Herve: Do they know who we are?
Piett: No. They probably think we're angels or something.
Herve [snickers]: Oh, those silly rascals.
Piett: Excuse me! [addresses everyone in the room] Do I need to show my photo ID to vote here?
[Everyone immediately erupts into laughter. This goes on for a while. It's patriotically disturbing but also quite clever if you think about it. In the midst of the mass of hilarity, Piett walks over to the vacated and scribbles in names on the ballots. He returns to the center of the room as Herve keeps a vigilant facepalm the whole time.]
Piett: The task is complete.
Herve: This won't affect the election at all.
Piett: We do it 1250 more times and it will.
Herve: 1250 t--
[They flash away.]
*******
Herve: Oh my God, we're on the Internet!!
Piett: Ok, stop that. I know we're meta-textual, you know we're
meta-textual, so I'm pretty bothered that you're saying something like this
and expecting us to move on.
Herve: No, really, we're on the Internet!!
Piett: Enough of this alreadoh holy shit we are on the Internet!!!
[Piett and Herve look around, and find that they are suddenly trapped on
the internet site Quickmeme.com. A maddening looking man is peering down on
them through a giant computer screen.]
Herve: Oh shit. [pause] Well, we might as well get going for him.
[Herve starts removing his clothes.]
Piett:
JESUSFUCKINGCHRISTONACRUTCHMARYJOSEPHDICKBALLSSHITWHATAREYOUGODDAMNDOINhuh,
you really have a small penis.
Herve: For a person my size, it's enormous.
Piett: I'd laugh if I hadn't just yelled in capital letters and put myself
in a position to go into cardiac arrest if I......y'know, doing a lot of
talking here when I should be having a cardiac arrest. [pause]
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Herve: You are scum, sir, and I detest you.
Internet filth! Know your doom!
Herve: Walsh?!
Captionater: NO!! I am.....the Captionater!
Piett: Please tell me he's kidding.
Herve: He's kidding.
Piett: Whew.
Herve: I'm kidding. He's not kidding.
Piett: Damn.
Herve: Hey, you didn't say I couldn't kid about him kidding.
Captionater: May I have the spotlight once more, please?
Herve: Sorry. We do the banter thing a bit too much, and unnecessarily for
the most part.
Captionater: I am the Captionater!
Piett and Herve: We know!
Captionater: And I add captions to mock and insult! FEAR ME!
Herve: No!
Captionater: What?
Herve: Sorry. The silly banter again. But really, unless you've got agents
of dread and dispair to fight us, we really do have zero reason to fear you
or really do anything you say.
Captionater: But you are my prisoners!
Piett: From what I can gather, we're trapped in this website solely by
freak accident. You're just a user [points to login information] and thus
have no ultimate control over our fates. The people who
run......Quickmeme.com are.
Herve: Oh shit, not Quickmeme!
Piett: What? Why? Que?
Herve: Dude, haven't you ever seen those meme pictures on Facebook?! This
means--
Captionater: It means.......THIS!!!
Piett: What is happening? Or rather, what is not happening?
Captionater: Hold on. Internet Explorer is running a bit slow.
Piett: UGH.
Herve: Catch up with the rest of us, Cro-Magnon man. Chrome, Firefox....Jebus, even Commodore 64 these days--
Captionater: AHA! It works!!
Piett: Huzzah.
Captionater: Now witness..........MY SNARK!
Herve: Eww, I don't wanna see th--
Herve: --at!!
Piett: You were just taking your clothes off, dummy.
[Pause]
Piett: So what are we doing here? Commentary on the pictures we seeing or
the little red x's that may be showing up because Walsh fucked up the html?
Herve: You're so witty. [pause] Yeah, I guess we can do commentary. Beats
an actual plot.
[Pause of preparation for much wit.]
Piett: Ouch. That had to hurt. Someone. Somewhere. Out there. [looks out
into the void] WE'RE SO SORRY!
Herve: Whew, I thought you were gonna start singing an American Tail song...
Herve: Heh. Even *I* get that.
Piett: Actually, this is really Quantum Piett number 194. He seems to have
counted the 1st 2 posts on this blog as stories, when they are in fact just
Walsh writing to an imaginary audience about updates on the blog. Oh, also
Walsh reposted an old Star Wars parody post at the end of 2011, so never
mind what I said before. This is really it's Quantum Piett number 193.
Piett: Better.
[pause]
Piett: Hey wait a minute!!
Herve: Well I take that as a fine compliment, sir! The Dos Equis guy knows
his shit.
Piett: Sean Bean speaks the truth.
Herve: He also dies in every movie he's in.
Piett: National Treasure.
[Herve slaps him in the face for mentioning a Nic Cage movie.]
Piett: I deserved that.
Piett: Gene Wilder speaks the truth too. [shakes his head, mutters to self] Walsh, you idiot...
Herve: So does......baby with hypnotically strange hand?
Piett: He's holding wet sand in his fist.
Herve: I'd like to believe that. But I can't.
Herve: Too soon.
Piett: What?
Herve: Batman reference. Too soon to the tragedy.
Piett: What, the Dark Knight Rises theatre shooting in Aurora, Colorado?
Herve: No. To Batman & Robin, featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr.
Neverending Ice Puns, Uma Thurman as Bette Davis as Poison Ivy, the
Californian/British Batgirl and "Bane." [pause] Wait, we were just in 1997
earlier, right? Because that's what I'm referring to. Where in the timeline is this being told??
Piett: Time travel is SUCH a mindfuck.
Herve: You really don't like that guy.
Piett: I had nothing to do with that image.
Herve: Considering how God-Emperor Bush died, you should...
Piett: Jesus, come on now. We somehow managed to navigate space and time in an old timey hot air balloon....WHY COULDN'T HE?!?!
Piett: The stroke would explain why Fry's so stupid.
Herve: I thought it was because he was Irish.
Piett [to the reader(s)]: Walsh is Irish, people. Don't be offended if you
share that affliction too.
Piett: This one confuses me. Are raccoons supposed to be lame masters of
pun?
Herve: It's just meme crap. Don't put much thought into it, or you'll get
brain cancer.
Piett: I'm actually not really offended by much of this. That was the
point, right? Being offended at the insults being hurled at us via meme
pictures?
Herve: I think so?
Piett: It is getting tiring. [pause] Piett: Fuck this shit. I'm ending this
"story."
[Piett leaps into the source code.]
Captionater: Did he just do that?
Herve: He just did, son. [pause] So you're a villain who writes insulting
captions.
Captionater: Not so much a villain as an antagonist. I haven't done
anything evil per se, I'm just antagonizing you and placing myself as your
moral opposite for the moment.
Herve: Well that's logically thought out. And indeed, you haven't really
done anything awful......if anything, all you've done wrong is have a weird
handle.
Captionater: Would you rather I have one of those annoying ones with
numbers replacing physically-similar letters, or improper capitalizations?
[pause] C@p+i0NaTeR?
Herve: Wow, you really aren't awful. [pause] And is it wrong that I like
that new handle?
C@p+i0NaTeR: Swee--
Herve: Holy....
C@p+i0NaTeR: Wow. [pause] WOW. [longish pause] Well, this was fun, but as always a line
is ultimately crossed and so I log off.
Herve: Um, ok? Later?
C@p+i0NaTeR: No. No, I think this is the last time we cross paths. I'll
just stick to Angry Birds, Wikipedia and Ain't It Cool News comment threads
from now on.
[The Captio.....sorry....The C@p+i0NaTeR logs off and the screen goes
blank. Herve is left alone, in a now dormant internet environment. Piett
re-emerges from the source code, very proud and full of himself.]
Piett: Yeah, fucker, TAKE THAT!!
Herve: He logged off. You hit a nerve, dude.
Piett: That's what he gets! Bitch!
Herve: That was....a bit much, man. He was just some internet putz dicking
around with captioned meme pictures for the heck of it. And you had to go
alienate him. And this is me saying this. [pause] Also, if you think about
it, he was a fan.
Piett: Wha?
Herve: He seemed pretty knowledgeable of our doings.
Piett: Well, huh. At least we worked that saying into a story.
Herve: A saying you came up with while we were watching The Love Bug.
[shakes his head] When you've managed to offend me, you've just reached a
level of disturbing that we should really be staying away from....
*******
[Unrelated epilogue: Some time later, back at the mansion of Cosmos and Chronos, masters of space and time....respectively.]
Chronos: Hey, we got a shout out!
Cosmos: Quit it! I enjoy not being in these stories for a change!
[Piett is at the nook and Herve is reading the newspaper on his iPad.]
Herve: "Ratfuck Cocknose elected President of the United States." [pause] I don't know what's more impressive.......that your exhaustive stunt at the voting place actually worked, or that you remembered Ratfuck Cocknose's name from a past adventure. Either way......[sigh].......fuck you, Piett.
*fin*
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