The year is 33 AD.
March or so.
Early on a Sunday morning.
Just outside Jersusalem.
Yeah, that's right. I'm doing exactly what you think I am right now.
[2 men in robes are walking down a dirt road, toward a solemn and dark place.]
Piett: Ok, so if we were supposed to be here TODAY, then why did we get here on Friday?
Herve: To see the sights, man.
Piett: That's incredibly insensitive.
Herve: It was a helluva sight, though.
Piett: I guess? ...but couldn't we have done SOMETHING?
Herve: Well, shooting lasers and gnawing on a bunch of old rabbis' throats seemed......excessive. Not sure they coulda edited that part out of the book. Plus I think the point to it all was that he HAD to die, for the peoples' sins and what not.
Piett: I'll never get that religious thing. That's why I pray to a flying spaghetti monster.
Herve: Wait, you've met Him and His dad, like, several times. And yet you still don't believe?
Piett: Oh, I do. But flying spaghetti monster presents much less drama. And it's a much tastier faith, too.
[Suddenly the men stop, and they behold their intended destination: on the side of a small hill lies a rock, covering a tomb. 2 guards sit beside it, protecting it from meddlers and outsiders.]
Piett: You ready t--
[Piett stops and sees that Herve is gone.]
Piett: Y'know, all this time and he's *never* used the fact that he's short to just run off unnoticed like this.
[Suddenly screams cry out ahead, and Piett looks out to see what he expected: Herve leaping about, killing the 2 guards in front of the boulder. Piett calmly walks toward the incident scene, as the guards fall down dead.]
Piett: You said you'd let me kill one.
Herve: Sorry. Got blood thirsty. Plus I hate prologues that go on too long.
Piett: Piett likes this comment.
Herve: What?
Piett: I'm gonna speak in Facebookisms now. Every so often. Comment? Like?
Herve: Herve dislikes this.
Piett: There is no dislike feature.
Herve: There fucking well should be.
[Piett pulls out a ray gun - seriously, a ray gun?! 175 plus stories and I don't think he's ever just whipped out a ray gun before now - and aims at the blocked entrance to the cave. He fires, and a green ray bursts out and envelopes the giant stone boulder. Within seconds, it is completely vaporized, and the 2 quantum agents enter the cave, where they behold......absolute fucking blasphemy.]
Herve: Ho. Lee. Shit.
[Piett and Herve, who were expecting to see what they are now viewing but are still amazed to see it, gaze upon several men - one of whom is none other than WALT DISNEY himself - putting the finishing touches on an animatronic version of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.]
Walt Disney: Motherfucker!
Piett: Whoa! Disney just swore!
Walt Disney: Ludwig! Tuck! Kill them!
[2 men - one a crazed looking mad scientist and the other appearing to be dressed as a medieval age friar - lunge at Piett and Herve and attack. But without taking their stunned gaze off Disney, they quickly dispatch and kill Ludwig and Tuck.]
Walt Disney: MOTHERFUCKER!
Herve: Dude, you gotta stop saying that. You're totally killing my childhood here.
Walt Disney: You cannot stop me! You cannot stop my destiny!
[Disney grabs a bag from his pocket, grabs contents from within and then blows it out of the palm of his hand. A fine cloud of....pixie dust?....divides him from Piett & Herve.]
Walt Disney: I must retreat and live to fight another day! For behold, I have achieved the art of TIME TRAVEL!
[A bright shimmer through the cloud of dust appears, and Disney promptly and magically disappears. The cloud dissipates as Piett and Herve still stand in their same positions, still shocked at what has just transpired.]
Piett [talking as if Disney was still there]: Uh, did it occur to you that a guy with a freakin' ray gun probably achieved time travel TOO?!?!
Herve: He's gone, dude. Relax.
Piett: I can't relax. I can't actually believe we just saw this.
Herve: Cosmos and Chronos did warn us, with great detail, that what we just saw happen was actually what we'd see happen.
Piett: But......but.......but it's Walt Disney!
Herve: I know.
Piett: He brought joy and wonderment to billions of people!
Herve: Exarctly.
Piett: He's shaped the minds of children all over the world! And he....he....he was building a fake Jesus!!
Herve: To alter and change religion itself, obviously. Skewing it toward his control, giving himself a fanbase that spread across centuries. Centuries that spanned all before he was ever born, so that by the time of his birth he was already a prophetic god-like being greater than any deity that's ever existed. [pause] It's all pretty impressive, really.
Piett: "Impressive?"
Herve: You have to admire that kinda vision. I wish more of our foes had it, instead of just being silly gimmicks or overly complex mindfucks that are easily beaten.
Piett: So we go stop him, yes?
Herve: Well obviously. Now that we ruined the best part of his plan, we have no choice. He's no fun anymore, really.
[Pause]
Herve: And a ray gun? Really?
Piett: It looked neat. And I thought it'd fit in nicely in fighting the guy who created Tomorrowland and Epcot Center.
Herve: If you make me dress up like a sailor duck with no pants on, I will kick your dick off.
Piett: And here I thought you'd *never* need a reason to NOT take your pants off.
[Piett clicks his belt buckle, and a portal opens which consumes them both. They depart......while the animatronic version of Jesus Christ still stands in the crypt. Some moments pass, until someone walks in....]
Jesus Christ: Ok, so I've got the sandals, I've got my robes. [looks at his hands] Guh. I'm gonna have to deal with these pesky hand holes for a few more weeks to...SWEET ME!!! [pause] Is....is that me? Is that what I LOOK LIKE?!? [longer pause] Damn, I look good.
[Suddenly a portal opens behind him.]
Walt Disney: Ooh, such vanity from MY disciple!
Jesus: Huh?
[A swift punch to the face lays the Son of God low. Disney quickly activates his animatronic figure, grabs the real Jesus in his arms, and with a wicked smile on his face fades out of site - by TIME TRAVEL!]
Walt Disney: Idiot "time travellers" should've seen this happening. Now I shall RULE THE WORLD!!! [disappears]
Animatronic Jesus [flickers to life]: I.....function....I.....I......my children, I have returned to you, to spread the word of my father. Hallowed by the name of My Father.....Walt Disney.....for someday, He shall come to you and ye shall love him and honor him like no other.....prepare this world for him....and you shall know peace for all the days of man....
*to be continued!!*
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
There's Nothing Wrong with the Number 25.
[Prologue: In a hidden dark lair - possibly the Death Star, possibly Washington DC, possibly someplace else where awful things are being plotted - 2 figures sit in a darkened room.....because apparently I can't have evil people hang out in a park or something, it always has to be "a darkened scary obviously creepy place".....]
Former Vice President Dick Cheney: Excellent, excellent.....all is going according to plan.
CNN's Lester Holt: Yes, master.
Dick Cheney: ...no, don't...don't call me that. It sounds racist.
CNN's Lester Holt: Why?
Dick Cheney: Well.....[points in his general direction] you're a black fella, there. My kind have had problems with you guys in the past.
CNN's Lester Holt: White people?
Dick Cheney: No, Republicans. Never mind. Is the master plan prepared?
CNN's Lester Holt: Yes, ma......n. Yes. I have assembled our allies and we are prepared to strike!
Dick Cheney: Good...
CNN's Lester Holt: Behold, the Hatemongers Association rollcall!
Dick Cheney: Heh?
Evil Susan B. Anthony!
Evil Susan B. Anthony: Stay in the kitchen, bitches!
The Godmother!
The Godmother: I will make him a pie he cannot refuse.
The Faceless Man!
Faceless Man: [says nothing, because he has no face, but instead flails his arms about in a panic]
A Nazi dressed up as Disney's Robin Hood!
Nazi Robin Hood: Mfgmstgjwgrfhtlr!
CNN's Lester Holt: See, he's in that big Disney costume so you can't hear him--
Dick Cheney: I get it.
Mike Rotch and Ben Dover!
Mike Rotch: I've heard enough people make dick jokes about my name that turned me EVIL!
Ben Dover: Y'know, I don't really mind my name actually. But I'm a Scientologist, though, so......that's why I'm here.
The Incredible Rawr!
The IncrediblWE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS INTERUPPTION BUT THIS CHARACTER IS CLEARLY A CHEAP KNOCKOFF OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK AND IS THUS A VIOLATION OF COPYRIGHT LAW. IT WILL BE REMOVED FROM THIS STORY FORTH........WAIT, NO ONE IS REALLY EVEN READING THIS ANYWAY? OH.....OKAY THEN, CARRY ONe Rawr: Big! Strong! Smash! Simplistic dialogue! RAWR!
The White Terrorist!
The Terrorist: I love my freedoms and peace-loving religion in all the wrong ways! Haha, CONTROVERSIAL!
Ralph Kramden from the Honeymooners!
Ralph Kramden: I'll punch you in the face, Alice, and be famous for threatening to beat my wife!
Those 2 racist robots from Transformers 2: Revenge of the This Movie Fucking Blew!
[Pause]
Dick Cheney: They're not saying anything.
CNN's Lester Holt: We removed their voice boxes. They're THAT offensive.
The Mythbuster!
Mythbuster: I used to be a ghostbuster until I realized it was all special effects. And then I saw Ghostbusters 2. Fuck you twice, Ivan Reitman!
The Stereotype!
The Stereotype: .......ok, I'm not really able to use my powers unless I know what I'm mocking. I'm a pretty blank slate without instruction.
No time for that now, dick! Zombie Eleanor Rigby!
Zombie Eleanor Rigby: Look at all the lovely people...AND THEIR BRAINS!!!
The Hangman's Noose!
Dick Cheney: Wait, that's just a rope tied in a noose sitting on the table.
CNN's Lester Holt: Erm, we had some contractual differences with the Hangman, and he just stormed off without his noose. So we figured, what the hell.
The Aluminum Man!
Aluminum Man: Not as impressive as Iron Man, I know, but at least I'm sober.
A guy who looks like George Lucas but isn't!
Not George Lucas: I didn't direct Star Wars, but I did direct Howard the Duck!!
Dick Cheney: Ugh!
The amnesiac Mirror Universe version of Rasputin!
Rasputin: Where's my beard?!?
Dick Cheney: He's a conundrum, that one.
CNN's Lester Holt: No, he is.
The Lazy Conundrum!
The Lazy Conundrum: Nothing I do or think makes sense and I don't give a shit!
Jim and Barbara Loomis!
Dick Cheney: They seem normal.
CNN's Lester Holt: No, his name is Barbara and her name is Jim.
Dick Cheney: GUH!
The Cereal Killer!
[The Cereal Killer says nothing, but just coldly lifts up the severed head of Dig 'Em the Honey Smacks frog.]
And Lucy Ferr!
Lucy Ferr: Wait, what the hell am I doing here?
[With the entire Hatemongers Association finally announced, there is a great pause.]
....GREAT PAUSE....
[Then suddenly Dick Cheney pulls out a tommy gun and shoots the entire group of villains dead in their seats. Blood and gore and screams and tits everywhere. Even the Hangman's Noose gets a few right in the knot. Finally, all 23 people are dead.]
CNN's Lester Holt: What did you do?!?
Dick Cheney: I hate these kinds of things. Giant groups of miscellaneous and hackneed villains, led by one or two mastermind characters who have absolutely no reason to be associated with any of them.
CNN's Lester Holt: But.....but that would make us....make YOU....that kind of mastermind character!
Dick Cheney: I also hate it when the underling of the 2 makes a revelation that damages the partnership irrevocably....
[He aims the tommy gun at CNN's Lester Holt and shoots him dead as well.]
Dick Cheney.....and I hate it when he ends up being absolutely right.
[Dick Cheney takes the gun, puts it in his mouth, and pulls the trigger.]
*******
[Within the very nice and comfortable confines of the palace of Cosmos and Chronos: masters of space and time (respectively). The 2 Quantum agents, Firmus Piett and Herve Villechaize, sit on a sofa while watching E! Entertainment Television. They look physically ill.]
Herve: Who gives a ridalin addicted thief and her dimmer-than-ass sisters their own television show? Even I'm not that godless. And I'm pretty godless.
Piett: This is....just awful. I don't care what these people or famous people or those fucking Jersey Twilight Housewife bastards are doing or consider important at all. God, if I sit in front of this swill any longer, my soul will get sucked right out of me and into the television.
Herve: You should watch out, I've heard there are evil TV's out there that feed on human emotion like that.
Piett: Pfeh. That's just stupid.
Herve: I read it on a blog, man.
Piett: Whomever came up with that is just a god damned moron. Seriously. They should have their head crushed under the back tires of a school bus. I feel sick just being in the same room that statement was made in.
[Piett goes to stand up, when suddenly Chronos enters the room in a frenzy.]
Chronos: OH MY GOD YOUR WIFE IS DEAD!!!!
Herve: My wife?! My God! I.....I thought she already was dead!
[Pause]
Herve: Ooh, is this gonna be a zombie adventure??
[Longer pause]
Herve: Oh......oh shit, you're not actually talking to me, are you?
Chronos: No, I was talking to Piett.
Piett: Wait, what? My wife? Lucy?
Chronos: Yes. She's dead, and--
Piett: Isn't she already dead?
Herve: Yeah, I seem to remember that.
Chronos: Dead already? Nonsense! She just died now!
[Pause]
Piett: Ooh, are we not in the part of the timeline when she died for good? The part after Chronos went all insidous and brilliantly evil and then got killed himself?
Chronos: Wait wha who buh??
Herve: Wait a tic, shouldn't he know this? Master of time and all?
Piett: I think the "master" bit has always been just a title only.
[Piett and Herve look back at Chronos, who as he picks his nose and inspects his finger, wonders if he should consume it...]
Piett: Yeah. An empty title.
[Not wanting to know what the results of Chronos' nasal expedition are, Piett and Herve leap up from their comfy sofa and bound off to the main chambers of the mansion. There sits Cosmos, examining and monitoring his numerous television windows into the multitude of universes.]
Herve: Dude, Cosmos must have no soul at all staring at all those evil TVs.
Piett: STOP IT!
Cosmos: Ah, you're here. I suppose you've heard the news.
Piett: Yeah, apparently my wife's dead or something?
Cosmos: Indeed. But not just her. 24 other people you've encountered over the years are all dead as well.
Herve: 25, huh? That number is.....stunningly dangerous to me now.
Piett: Really?
Herve: Nah. It's just a number. If it were an age, it would be STILL INCREDIBLY AND WONDERFULLY YOUNG.
Piett: Volume control, asshole.
Herve: Sorry.
Cosmos: Regardless, 25 people are dead, including YOUR wife, Piett!
Piett: But should I really complain? Decent sex, sure, but she *was* the sister of the devil.
Chronos: "Decent?"
Piett: It.....[sighs]......to be honest, it was getting less spectacular and more lackluster as time went on. Plus I'm kinda over the whole redhead thing.
Herve: Seriously?? So no more redheads? Not even....[gasps]....Doctor Who's Amy Pond?
[All 4 stop and kinda swoon.]
Piett: No, no! No more redheads. Probably going go for blonde.....or brownish blonde.....
[Another great pause, as Piett just stands still and silent.]
Chronos: He go braindead, finally?
Piett: This......this makes no sense.
Herve: Of course it doesn't. It never has made any sense.
Piett: No, I mean--
Herve: So who else are we looking at here, Cosmos?
Cosmos: Numerous people you've encountered over the years.
[Cosmos immediately waves his hand, and the faces of 25 people appear on the television screens before them. There is a pause.]
Piett: I don't recognize any of those people.
Chronos: Really? Even your wife?
Piett: Well of course I recognize her.
Herve: I don't see her.
Piett: It's the picture with just her rack. I'd know those monsters anywhere.
[Herve and Chronos stare for a few moments at that image, then with Piett they move their eyes toward Cosmos.]
Cosmos: What. [pause] So I like tits. I'm not apologizing for that.
Herve: Oh Cosmos, you scamp. [laughs in a silly sitcom manner] But seriously, she's dead and that's just wrong. Give it at least a few minutes, man.
Piett: Who are these other people??
Herve: Well, there's......er.....and......um, the guy with the face there, don't forget him....uh.....
Cosmos: Wait, you forgot who all these people are? Or no, wait, maybe the guy writing this forgot them?
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Herve: Well that's odd. Usually those squiggly ASCII signs show up, Walsh pops in and says something snarky as he was reacting to us, and then it comes back to us as we kinda don't acknowledge he shows up.
Piett: We really don't remember these people. [to Cosmos] Do *you* remember them?
Cosmos: This isn't about me, Firmus, it's about--
Piett: HYPOCRITE!
Herve: So we have to investigate the deaths of 25 people we apparently knew or didn't know?
Chronos: 24 and your wife, Piett.
Piett & Herve: WE KNOW!
Herve: Ugh, this isn't another rewriting reality adventure to cover up Walsh's own memory gaps, is it? I fucking hate those.
Piett: Ok, hold on. I tried to say it earlier, but you interuppted me, but I'm starting to see something here...
Herve: The crap we've been engulfed in for the last 15 years or so?
Piett: Already used to that. No, there's....something else here. Something........strange.
Herve: Strange or stupid?
Piett [ponders]:..........both.
Herve: Well, at least that story element is still intact.
Piett: I know how to test this. [yells] Fourth World!
[Suddenly BOOM!! a Boom Tube opens up, and out leaps Darkseid the Dark God of Apokalips. He is a large white man, wearing a black robe and kinda looking like Emperor Palpatine. A few moments pass; in fact one could describe it as a...]
....GREAT PAUSE....
[Until finally...]
Piett: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!?
Darkseid: I'm Darkseid. Don't you recognize me?
Herve: You are NOT Darkseid!! He looks nothing like this! What IS happening here?!?
Piett: Oh Gods of Kobol, tell me this isn't what I dread it is...
Herve: What?! What do you dread?!
[Suddenly reality all around them begins to shimmer and flicker. Cosmos, Chronos, the mansion, Darkseid......within a confused flash, they all dissipate as the 2 quantum heroes suddenly find themselves in a residential home bedroom, far from where they thought they once were. They look on in horror as the reality of their grim situation becomes quite clear, as Piett points at what his dreadful prediction is: they see a young blonde woman, sitting, writing.......THIS.]
Piett: .......OH MY GOD SOMEONE OTHER THAN WALSH AND PONTE IS WRITING THIS STORY!!!!
Herve: AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!!
[Herve, grabbing his hair in reaction to his hideous revelation, screams, runs and jumps out a window. Piett is terrified at the apparent syndication of Quantum Piett, but stops and thinks.]
Piett: I think this may be the first time Herve has screamed in abject horror in the presence of a legit hot girl.
Girl: Curses! I've lost control of the story!
Piett: Aha! We've....foiled your plot? [confused] Have we?
Smashley: Dammit, how am I supposed to know what some obscure comic book villain that Sean only knows looks like?!
Piett: Wikipedia! And forget this banter, who the HELL are you?!?
Girl: My name is Smashley!
[Pause]
Piett: "Smashley?" Who names their kid "Smashley?"
Smashley: With your companion out of the way, it's time for my master plan to unfold!
Piett: But I foiled it already! Didn't I? Blast!
Smashley: My master plan, Mr. Piett.....is YOU!
Piett: Wha?
Smashley: I want you, Firmus Piett!
[Piett looks around, confused. He turns back, and points to himself questionably.]
Smashley: I'm obsessed with you, with everything you do and are! I've read all your stories!
Piett: Even Ponte's stories?
Smashley: Even Ponte's.
Herve [crawling back up the side of the house]: AHHHHH!!!! [falls]
Smashley: I even have an altar to you....look!
[Smashley runs and opens her closet, and Piett is shocked to indeed see an altar adorned with photos of Piett, lit candles (that has to be a safety concern) and what appears to be the tattered remains of a dead hooker sacrifice.]
Piett: Oh, that poor dead hooker...I'll bet she was one of those who was legit looking to get out of the business and advance her life, too. [a tear comes to his eye]
Smashley: Forget the dead hooker! It's YOU I need to have!!
[Smashley suddenly lunges at Piett, and he screams and runs. They run around the room in a circle like a Benny Hill skit, jumping over furniture and what not. At one point, she grabs one of the dead hooker's arm and heaves it at him; he catches it and sobs a little more for her. But finally, after much pointlessness has been achieved, Piett stops.]
Piett: Wait a minute......this girl is freakin' hot. Why the hell am I fighting this???
[He slows down and Smashley tackles him, where they both land on the bed. She pulls off all his clothing, then hers, and then....well, you can guess...]
*******
[Moments later, Herve crawls back up toward and into the window, but freezes in place as he sees what is happening before him.]
Herve: GOOD LORD!!! I've wandered into a porno! [pause] Wait, that's the chick.....AND PIETT?!? [pause] Holy shit, he's really going to town on that girl. Give it to her, man, go! WOO!! [pause] Wait....why does Piett look like Walsh? [pause] Is she MAKING him look like that? Or.....oh God, has he ALWAYS meant to look like Walsh?!? [not-so-great pause] AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! [grabs his eyes, and a loss of balance sends him falling out the window again]
*******
[Some time later.....minutes, hours, days? how long can he go for?!.....Herve and Piett are quitely walking down the street. They say nothing for the longest time.]
Herve: So are we talking about this?
Piett: I tend not to talk about my conquests.
Herve: Oh you are such a liar. SPILL.
Piett: It was.......really damn good.
Herve: Evidently. You even turned into Walsh there for a second.
Piett: That still creeps me out.
Herve: She certainly enjoyed it. That was some good high quality sex.
[Pause]
Herve: .....although killing her certainly deducted a few points.
Piett: Ugh, this is why I didn't want to talk about it.
Herve: Why DID you kill her?
Piett: I didn't mean to!! I mean....I *did* tell her I don't.....you know....release well....
Herve: And now we know what happens when you do, it seems. Lethal semen. [shudders] Wait, didn't you have a kid at one point? [shrugs] Oh well. At least we didn't have to drag the body far.
Piett: Did you have to actually drag her?
Herve: It's an interesting visual.
Piett: "Interesting." More like "disturbing beyond fucking belief."
Herve: More disturbing than burying her in a makeshift grave in that cemetery near her house?
Piett: There was an empty grave already dug, like, 10 feet away, man. You could've just--
Herve: A man like me doesn't pass up the chance to dig a makeshift grave. EVER.
[Pause]
Piett: What a dark ending.
Herve: Oh, come on. You know how fantastically bizarre our adventures are. No one ever stays dead for long...[aside]...then again, no one reads them either.
Piett: One person did. [sighs] One person did....
[As the two walk away into the darkness, we pan back - let's pretend this is a movie for a moment - to the cemetery, and the makeshift grave of Smashley. As a terribly cliched lightning bolt and thunder suddenly erupt in the background, an arm bursts through the ground, and its fist shakes vociferously in the air.]
*to be continued?!?!?*
Piett: No.
Herve: No.
Piett: Definitely don't.
Herve: World of hurt there, my friend.
Piett: No.
Herve: Just.....just no...
*fin*
Herve: Better...
Former Vice President Dick Cheney: Excellent, excellent.....all is going according to plan.
CNN's Lester Holt: Yes, master.
Dick Cheney: ...no, don't...don't call me that. It sounds racist.
CNN's Lester Holt: Why?
Dick Cheney: Well.....[points in his general direction] you're a black fella, there. My kind have had problems with you guys in the past.
CNN's Lester Holt: White people?
Dick Cheney: No, Republicans. Never mind. Is the master plan prepared?
CNN's Lester Holt: Yes, ma......n. Yes. I have assembled our allies and we are prepared to strike!
Dick Cheney: Good...
CNN's Lester Holt: Behold, the Hatemongers Association rollcall!
Dick Cheney: Heh?
Evil Susan B. Anthony!
Evil Susan B. Anthony: Stay in the kitchen, bitches!
The Godmother!
The Godmother: I will make him a pie he cannot refuse.
The Faceless Man!
Faceless Man: [says nothing, because he has no face, but instead flails his arms about in a panic]
A Nazi dressed up as Disney's Robin Hood!
Nazi Robin Hood: Mfgmstgjwgrfhtlr!
CNN's Lester Holt: See, he's in that big Disney costume so you can't hear him--
Dick Cheney: I get it.
Mike Rotch and Ben Dover!
Mike Rotch: I've heard enough people make dick jokes about my name that turned me EVIL!
Ben Dover: Y'know, I don't really mind my name actually. But I'm a Scientologist, though, so......that's why I'm here.
The Incredible Rawr!
The IncrediblWE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS INTERUPPTION BUT THIS CHARACTER IS CLEARLY A CHEAP KNOCKOFF OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK AND IS THUS A VIOLATION OF COPYRIGHT LAW. IT WILL BE REMOVED FROM THIS STORY FORTH........WAIT, NO ONE IS REALLY EVEN READING THIS ANYWAY? OH.....OKAY THEN, CARRY ONe Rawr: Big! Strong! Smash! Simplistic dialogue! RAWR!
The White Terrorist!
The Terrorist: I love my freedoms and peace-loving religion in all the wrong ways! Haha, CONTROVERSIAL!
Ralph Kramden from the Honeymooners!
Ralph Kramden: I'll punch you in the face, Alice, and be famous for threatening to beat my wife!
Those 2 racist robots from Transformers 2: Revenge of the This Movie Fucking Blew!
[Pause]
Dick Cheney: They're not saying anything.
CNN's Lester Holt: We removed their voice boxes. They're THAT offensive.
The Mythbuster!
Mythbuster: I used to be a ghostbuster until I realized it was all special effects. And then I saw Ghostbusters 2. Fuck you twice, Ivan Reitman!
The Stereotype!
The Stereotype: .......ok, I'm not really able to use my powers unless I know what I'm mocking. I'm a pretty blank slate without instruction.
No time for that now, dick! Zombie Eleanor Rigby!
Zombie Eleanor Rigby: Look at all the lovely people...AND THEIR BRAINS!!!
The Hangman's Noose!
Dick Cheney: Wait, that's just a rope tied in a noose sitting on the table.
CNN's Lester Holt: Erm, we had some contractual differences with the Hangman, and he just stormed off without his noose. So we figured, what the hell.
The Aluminum Man!
Aluminum Man: Not as impressive as Iron Man, I know, but at least I'm sober.
A guy who looks like George Lucas but isn't!
Not George Lucas: I didn't direct Star Wars, but I did direct Howard the Duck!!
Dick Cheney: Ugh!
The amnesiac Mirror Universe version of Rasputin!
Rasputin: Where's my beard?!?
Dick Cheney: He's a conundrum, that one.
CNN's Lester Holt: No, he is.
The Lazy Conundrum!
The Lazy Conundrum: Nothing I do or think makes sense and I don't give a shit!
Jim and Barbara Loomis!
Dick Cheney: They seem normal.
CNN's Lester Holt: No, his name is Barbara and her name is Jim.
Dick Cheney: GUH!
The Cereal Killer!
[The Cereal Killer says nothing, but just coldly lifts up the severed head of Dig 'Em the Honey Smacks frog.]
And Lucy Ferr!
Lucy Ferr: Wait, what the hell am I doing here?
[With the entire Hatemongers Association finally announced, there is a great pause.]
....GREAT PAUSE....
[Then suddenly Dick Cheney pulls out a tommy gun and shoots the entire group of villains dead in their seats. Blood and gore and screams and tits everywhere. Even the Hangman's Noose gets a few right in the knot. Finally, all 23 people are dead.]
CNN's Lester Holt: What did you do?!?
Dick Cheney: I hate these kinds of things. Giant groups of miscellaneous and hackneed villains, led by one or two mastermind characters who have absolutely no reason to be associated with any of them.
CNN's Lester Holt: But.....but that would make us....make YOU....that kind of mastermind character!
Dick Cheney: I also hate it when the underling of the 2 makes a revelation that damages the partnership irrevocably....
[He aims the tommy gun at CNN's Lester Holt and shoots him dead as well.]
Dick Cheney.....and I hate it when he ends up being absolutely right.
[Dick Cheney takes the gun, puts it in his mouth, and pulls the trigger.]
*******
[Within the very nice and comfortable confines of the palace of Cosmos and Chronos: masters of space and time (respectively). The 2 Quantum agents, Firmus Piett and Herve Villechaize, sit on a sofa while watching E! Entertainment Television. They look physically ill.]
Herve: Who gives a ridalin addicted thief and her dimmer-than-ass sisters their own television show? Even I'm not that godless. And I'm pretty godless.
Piett: This is....just awful. I don't care what these people or famous people or those fucking Jersey Twilight Housewife bastards are doing or consider important at all. God, if I sit in front of this swill any longer, my soul will get sucked right out of me and into the television.
Herve: You should watch out, I've heard there are evil TV's out there that feed on human emotion like that.
Piett: Pfeh. That's just stupid.
Herve: I read it on a blog, man.
Piett: Whomever came up with that is just a god damned moron. Seriously. They should have their head crushed under the back tires of a school bus. I feel sick just being in the same room that statement was made in.
[Piett goes to stand up, when suddenly Chronos enters the room in a frenzy.]
Chronos: OH MY GOD YOUR WIFE IS DEAD!!!!
Herve: My wife?! My God! I.....I thought she already was dead!
[Pause]
Herve: Ooh, is this gonna be a zombie adventure??
[Longer pause]
Herve: Oh......oh shit, you're not actually talking to me, are you?
Chronos: No, I was talking to Piett.
Piett: Wait, what? My wife? Lucy?
Chronos: Yes. She's dead, and--
Piett: Isn't she already dead?
Herve: Yeah, I seem to remember that.
Chronos: Dead already? Nonsense! She just died now!
[Pause]
Piett: Ooh, are we not in the part of the timeline when she died for good? The part after Chronos went all insidous and brilliantly evil and then got killed himself?
Chronos: Wait wha who buh??
Herve: Wait a tic, shouldn't he know this? Master of time and all?
Piett: I think the "master" bit has always been just a title only.
[Piett and Herve look back at Chronos, who as he picks his nose and inspects his finger, wonders if he should consume it...]
Piett: Yeah. An empty title.
[Not wanting to know what the results of Chronos' nasal expedition are, Piett and Herve leap up from their comfy sofa and bound off to the main chambers of the mansion. There sits Cosmos, examining and monitoring his numerous television windows into the multitude of universes.]
Herve: Dude, Cosmos must have no soul at all staring at all those evil TVs.
Piett: STOP IT!
Cosmos: Ah, you're here. I suppose you've heard the news.
Piett: Yeah, apparently my wife's dead or something?
Cosmos: Indeed. But not just her. 24 other people you've encountered over the years are all dead as well.
Herve: 25, huh? That number is.....stunningly dangerous to me now.
Piett: Really?
Herve: Nah. It's just a number. If it were an age, it would be STILL INCREDIBLY AND WONDERFULLY YOUNG.
Piett: Volume control, asshole.
Herve: Sorry.
Cosmos: Regardless, 25 people are dead, including YOUR wife, Piett!
Piett: But should I really complain? Decent sex, sure, but she *was* the sister of the devil.
Chronos: "Decent?"
Piett: It.....[sighs]......to be honest, it was getting less spectacular and more lackluster as time went on. Plus I'm kinda over the whole redhead thing.
Herve: Seriously?? So no more redheads? Not even....[gasps]....Doctor Who's Amy Pond?
[All 4 stop and kinda swoon.]
Piett: No, no! No more redheads. Probably going go for blonde.....or brownish blonde.....
[Another great pause, as Piett just stands still and silent.]
Chronos: He go braindead, finally?
Piett: This......this makes no sense.
Herve: Of course it doesn't. It never has made any sense.
Piett: No, I mean--
Herve: So who else are we looking at here, Cosmos?
Cosmos: Numerous people you've encountered over the years.
[Cosmos immediately waves his hand, and the faces of 25 people appear on the television screens before them. There is a pause.]
Piett: I don't recognize any of those people.
Chronos: Really? Even your wife?
Piett: Well of course I recognize her.
Herve: I don't see her.
Piett: It's the picture with just her rack. I'd know those monsters anywhere.
[Herve and Chronos stare for a few moments at that image, then with Piett they move their eyes toward Cosmos.]
Cosmos: What. [pause] So I like tits. I'm not apologizing for that.
Herve: Oh Cosmos, you scamp. [laughs in a silly sitcom manner] But seriously, she's dead and that's just wrong. Give it at least a few minutes, man.
Piett: Who are these other people??
Herve: Well, there's......er.....and......um, the guy with the face there, don't forget him....uh.....
Cosmos: Wait, you forgot who all these people are? Or no, wait, maybe the guy writing this forgot them?
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Herve: Well that's odd. Usually those squiggly ASCII signs show up, Walsh pops in and says something snarky as he was reacting to us, and then it comes back to us as we kinda don't acknowledge he shows up.
Piett: We really don't remember these people. [to Cosmos] Do *you* remember them?
Cosmos: This isn't about me, Firmus, it's about--
Piett: HYPOCRITE!
Herve: So we have to investigate the deaths of 25 people we apparently knew or didn't know?
Chronos: 24 and your wife, Piett.
Piett & Herve: WE KNOW!
Herve: Ugh, this isn't another rewriting reality adventure to cover up Walsh's own memory gaps, is it? I fucking hate those.
Piett: Ok, hold on. I tried to say it earlier, but you interuppted me, but I'm starting to see something here...
Herve: The crap we've been engulfed in for the last 15 years or so?
Piett: Already used to that. No, there's....something else here. Something........strange.
Herve: Strange or stupid?
Piett [ponders]:..........both.
Herve: Well, at least that story element is still intact.
Piett: I know how to test this. [yells] Fourth World!
[Suddenly BOOM!! a Boom Tube opens up, and out leaps Darkseid the Dark God of Apokalips. He is a large white man, wearing a black robe and kinda looking like Emperor Palpatine. A few moments pass; in fact one could describe it as a...]
....GREAT PAUSE....
[Until finally...]
Piett: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!?
Darkseid: I'm Darkseid. Don't you recognize me?
Herve: You are NOT Darkseid!! He looks nothing like this! What IS happening here?!?
Piett: Oh Gods of Kobol, tell me this isn't what I dread it is...
Herve: What?! What do you dread?!
[Suddenly reality all around them begins to shimmer and flicker. Cosmos, Chronos, the mansion, Darkseid......within a confused flash, they all dissipate as the 2 quantum heroes suddenly find themselves in a residential home bedroom, far from where they thought they once were. They look on in horror as the reality of their grim situation becomes quite clear, as Piett points at what his dreadful prediction is: they see a young blonde woman, sitting, writing.......THIS.]
Piett: .......OH MY GOD SOMEONE OTHER THAN WALSH AND PONTE IS WRITING THIS STORY!!!!
Herve: AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!!
[Herve, grabbing his hair in reaction to his hideous revelation, screams, runs and jumps out a window. Piett is terrified at the apparent syndication of Quantum Piett, but stops and thinks.]
Piett: I think this may be the first time Herve has screamed in abject horror in the presence of a legit hot girl.
Girl: Curses! I've lost control of the story!
Piett: Aha! We've....foiled your plot? [confused] Have we?
Smashley: Dammit, how am I supposed to know what some obscure comic book villain that Sean only knows looks like?!
Piett: Wikipedia! And forget this banter, who the HELL are you?!?
Girl: My name is Smashley!
[Pause]
Piett: "Smashley?" Who names their kid "Smashley?"
Smashley: With your companion out of the way, it's time for my master plan to unfold!
Piett: But I foiled it already! Didn't I? Blast!
Smashley: My master plan, Mr. Piett.....is YOU!
Piett: Wha?
Smashley: I want you, Firmus Piett!
[Piett looks around, confused. He turns back, and points to himself questionably.]
Smashley: I'm obsessed with you, with everything you do and are! I've read all your stories!
Piett: Even Ponte's stories?
Smashley: Even Ponte's.
Herve [crawling back up the side of the house]: AHHHHH!!!! [falls]
Smashley: I even have an altar to you....look!
[Smashley runs and opens her closet, and Piett is shocked to indeed see an altar adorned with photos of Piett, lit candles (that has to be a safety concern) and what appears to be the tattered remains of a dead hooker sacrifice.]
Piett: Oh, that poor dead hooker...I'll bet she was one of those who was legit looking to get out of the business and advance her life, too. [a tear comes to his eye]
Smashley: Forget the dead hooker! It's YOU I need to have!!
[Smashley suddenly lunges at Piett, and he screams and runs. They run around the room in a circle like a Benny Hill skit, jumping over furniture and what not. At one point, she grabs one of the dead hooker's arm and heaves it at him; he catches it and sobs a little more for her. But finally, after much pointlessness has been achieved, Piett stops.]
Piett: Wait a minute......this girl is freakin' hot. Why the hell am I fighting this???
[He slows down and Smashley tackles him, where they both land on the bed. She pulls off all his clothing, then hers, and then....well, you can guess...]
*******
[Moments later, Herve crawls back up toward and into the window, but freezes in place as he sees what is happening before him.]
Herve: GOOD LORD!!! I've wandered into a porno! [pause] Wait, that's the chick.....AND PIETT?!? [pause] Holy shit, he's really going to town on that girl. Give it to her, man, go! WOO!! [pause] Wait....why does Piett look like Walsh? [pause] Is she MAKING him look like that? Or.....oh God, has he ALWAYS meant to look like Walsh?!? [not-so-great pause] AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! [grabs his eyes, and a loss of balance sends him falling out the window again]
*******
[Some time later.....minutes, hours, days? how long can he go for?!.....Herve and Piett are quitely walking down the street. They say nothing for the longest time.]
Herve: So are we talking about this?
Piett: I tend not to talk about my conquests.
Herve: Oh you are such a liar. SPILL.
Piett: It was.......really damn good.
Herve: Evidently. You even turned into Walsh there for a second.
Piett: That still creeps me out.
Herve: She certainly enjoyed it. That was some good high quality sex.
[Pause]
Herve: .....although killing her certainly deducted a few points.
Piett: Ugh, this is why I didn't want to talk about it.
Herve: Why DID you kill her?
Piett: I didn't mean to!! I mean....I *did* tell her I don't.....you know....release well....
Herve: And now we know what happens when you do, it seems. Lethal semen. [shudders] Wait, didn't you have a kid at one point? [shrugs] Oh well. At least we didn't have to drag the body far.
Piett: Did you have to actually drag her?
Herve: It's an interesting visual.
Piett: "Interesting." More like "disturbing beyond fucking belief."
Herve: More disturbing than burying her in a makeshift grave in that cemetery near her house?
Piett: There was an empty grave already dug, like, 10 feet away, man. You could've just--
Herve: A man like me doesn't pass up the chance to dig a makeshift grave. EVER.
[Pause]
Piett: What a dark ending.
Herve: Oh, come on. You know how fantastically bizarre our adventures are. No one ever stays dead for long...[aside]...then again, no one reads them either.
Piett: One person did. [sighs] One person did....
[As the two walk away into the darkness, we pan back - let's pretend this is a movie for a moment - to the cemetery, and the makeshift grave of Smashley. As a terribly cliched lightning bolt and thunder suddenly erupt in the background, an arm bursts through the ground, and its fist shakes vociferously in the air.]
*to be continued?!?!?*
Piett: No.
Herve: No.
Piett: Definitely don't.
Herve: World of hurt there, my friend.
Piett: No.
Herve: Just.....just no...
*fin*
Herve: Better...
Friday, May 21, 2010
Quantum Piett Turns 30. Sorta.
[May 21, 2010. 2 men are walking toward a set of stairs descending into a grand dwelling. One is carrying several boxes, the other is smoking a cigarette. Suddenly the smoker stops.]
Herve: ...OH MY GOD IT'S TECHNICALLY YOUR 30TH BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!
[The scream bewilders the man carrying the boxes and he trips and falls down the stairs.]
Piett: Oh Jesus Christ fuaaaaAAAAAAA!!!!!
[Hilarious looking calamity ensues as boxes and Piett tumble in a hideous mess. Herve writhes in pain as he looks on, then puts his cigarette out under his foot.]
Herve: Too sudden?
Piett: .....
QUANTUM PIETT TURNS 30. SORTA.
[In another place, some hours later. Piett sits at a darkened circular table, his face only slightly illuminated by dim light above. He is alone, but not for long. Several men enter the room, and like Piett their identities are only slightly visible to each other.]
Piett: Gentlemen, let us dispense with the pleasantries and commence the meeting. Are we all in attendance?
Captain Needa: Aye.
General Rieekan: Here.
Dengar: Yeah.
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: Yo.
Lobot: {nods}
Landozzel: Landozzel here.
Piett: Landozzel?! What are you doing here?!?
Landozzel: It makes perfect sense. I'm a combination of not only 2 random Star Wars characters, but characters both from the same movie. [pause] Which is why we're all here. [pause] Today. [pause] Right?
Lobot: {facepalms}
Piett: Way to spoil the connection, asshole. Yes, as my astute colleague has now said before I was going to, we are all here to commemorate the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back. And, in essence, the 30th anniversary of all of us. And that is why.....we must unite to save the world!!
Lobot: {confused}
General Rieekan: I agree with the bald calculator. What?
Piett: It has been 30 years since the release of The Empire Strikes Back. In the years that have transpired, it has become THE greatest film of the saga. However, in the years that have transpired, the prequels have also been released.
Dengar: Boo!!
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: Hssss!!!
Lobot: {thumbs down}
Landozzel: Well, except for Episode 3 which was pretty great.
Piett: That's enough. The prequels have utterly tarnished the grandeur of the saga. And in the day when young children have Clone Wars cartoons and shitty novels with weird aliejns destroying everything and everyone hating Jedi again or whatever, they do not appreciate the original trilogy OR its greatest chapter! So in order to save the world from forgetting the legacy of Empire - of OUR movie! - we must unite and take action to make sure the world never forgets!
Landozzel: But it's Empire, man. How can anything tarnish that? Or even overshadow it?
Piett: Mankind these days can find ways. Easily. Observe.
[Piett leans down and picks up a laptop. After acquiring a wifi signal, he logs onto the internet and loads a page, then slides the device over to Landozzel. He sits and stares at Google.com for a few moments, uncertain as to what he should be reacting--]
Landozzel: OH MY GOD YOU CAN PLAY PAC-MAN ON THE GOOGLE LOGO!!!
Piett: Clearly Empire Strikes Back has lost its luster. Which is why we need to remind people, though an amazing act, that it is greater than they think or remember.
General Rieekan: This is awful. Just.....awful. And it reeks of evil. If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were knee deep in some villainous scheme to kill kids or cancer patients or something.
Piett: Dude, I'm a hero. Walsh would never write me as a villain.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Sean Walsh: Yeah. Never. Hee.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Dengar: Who's Walsh?
Lobot: {shrugs}
Dengar: Hey, why don't you talk?
Piett: Lucas didn't give him any lines. So he's destined to never speak. Ever.
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: I didn't have any lines. And I'm talking. What's up with that?
Piett: Actually, what's up with you even being here?
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: I got the eVite invitation.
Piett: Who still uses eVite??
Captain Needa: I might still use eVite.
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: And could we stop calling me "That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason." I have a name.
Piett: YOU have a name?? They gave YOU a name?!?
Landozzel: Dude, they give *everyone* names now. All the cantina patrons, random Ewoks, even people who used to be called "Amanaman" and "Prune Face." Gotta keep the merchandising alive somehow.
Willrow Hood: Yeah. That includes me. See? It just got updated. Thank you. And I have an action figure too.
Piett: You have.....?
[Pause]
[Piett takes out a gun and shoots Willrow Hood dead.]
Dengar: Oh shit!
General Rieekan: You racist! You just killed our only black guy!
Landozzel: Hey!
Captain Needa: You Rebels and your foolish racial sensitivity. That is why the Empire will win this conflict.
[Piett leans over and whispers something into Needa's ear. A look of horror overcomes his face.]
Needa: They DO?!?
Landozzel [whispers to Lobot]: Man, the continuity is just all over the place in this one, man.
Lobot: {begrudgingly agrees}
*******
[Some time later, Piett and his group of allies reappear across the street from the Arclight Cinema in Hollywood, California, where a gala event is underway. Paparazzi, actors, crazed fans with lightsabers....]
Piett: Wait a minute, lightsabers?
Lobot: {points feverishly}
[All eyes gaze on the sign that Lobot points to and gasp.]
Captain Needa: This is a Star Wars event!
General Rieekan: A SCREENING of Empire Strikes Back!!
Piett: What the.....but this is where we were supposed to go......is this even....
Dengar: So something bad happens here and we have to save these people?
Landozzel: It sounds like it. We clearly have to save the world at a Star Wars event and then everyone will remember us and the movie in a whole new and heroic way!
Piett: Unless......no.....no, don't you all see......the event IS what has to be stopped!
Landozzel: That makes no sense.
Lobot: {horribly confused now}
Piett: I know.....but trust me, it DOES!! Clearly there is something amiss here and it must be stopped. And DESTROYED!!! Yes, yes it's so clear, can't you see?!?
[All gathered join Lobot in making a weird expression of shock and bafflement on their faces. Landozzel's eye catches another sign across the street.]
Landozzel: Wait a minute....this is a St. Jude Children's Hospital event too. They're researching cures for cancer, man...this CAN'T be evil...
Dengar: But have they found it yet? Really?
Landozzel: That's cold, you scum. COLD.
Captain Needa: The bounty hunter's snark reveals some semblance of sense.
General Rieekan: Of course it would, you Nazi.
Captain Needa: Ok, first off when you said "killing cancer patients" earlier.....you totally called this.
General Rieekan [begrudgingly]: Dammit, I kinda totally did.
Captain Needa: But my point is, maybe attacking this event will kickstart the medical community into doing something more about cancer. Think of all the attention this cause will gain, and think of the money people would donate.
Dengar: He's right! Think of all that money that went to 9/11 causes that the government still has stored away in warehouse and bank vaults! They made a ton of cash off that staged event!
Lobot: {.......clearly has had enough, and activates his jetpack and just flies away from this}
Piett: When did he get a jetpack??
Landozzel: I think the question is, why didn't we ever ask him if he had one all along?
Piett: This is stupid....this is all so.....WHAT THE HELL?!?
[Like Lobot before him, Piett feverishly points at another sign: the name of this event.]
Piett: "The Empire GIVES Back?!?" BULLSHIT! We STRIKE!!! WE STRIKE NOW!!!! COME ON!!!!
[An enraged Piett runs across the street, clearly ignoring common street laws. The others shrug and run after him. Piett shoves reporters and photographers alike,until he reaches a group of actors participating in this event: Harrison Ford, Billy Dee Williams, Peter Mayhew and Ewan McGregor. As the commotion begins to swell, and Piett's colleagues also push aside the crowd, he makes the first strike: Piett approaches Peter Mayhew, the actor who portrayed Chewbacca, and kicks his cane out from under him.]
Peter Mayhew: WhoaaaaAAAAAHHH!!!!!
[The 7-foot tall Englishman topples over and crashes on the ground. As he impacts, he explodes in a fiery and sensational fury!!]
General Rieekan: That was.....odd.
Captain Needa: Odd, but effective! LET'S KILL THEM ALL!!!
Landozzel: What....what the hell are you wearing?
Billy Dee Williams: Roscoe Lee Browne? Is that you??
Piett: You do look like Roscoe Lee Browne, now that he says it.
Landozzel: I absolutely do. Awesome. [coughs] I mean, what the hell is with that scarf?! You look like a black Charles Nelson Reilly!
[Seriously, Google this event and look at the picture of what Billy Dee Williams looked like and the fabulously disturbing scarf he was wearing.]
Billy Dee Williams: I don't know why you came back from the dead to compare me to another dead gay man, but I've had just about enough of you too!
[Landozzel and Billy Dee Williams throw punches, which land simultaenously. And in a bizarre puff of logic, both men disintegrate in a strange haze of dust and confusion.]
Captain Needa: Goodness! They're....dead???
General Rieekan: It looked like that scene from Timecop when Ron Silver came into contact with his past self and they both dissolved into time-goop.
[Suddenly a fist punches through Rieekan's chest, and a hand emerges from the other holding his still beating heart. Rieekan's body falls forward into a dead heap.]
Piett: No. Timecop. References.
Captain Needa: Right, no Timec.....nope, nope, none whatsoever.
Piett: Now, let CHAOS REIGN!!!
[Dengar nods, and pulls out that big giant gun he was holding in the Star Destroyer Executor scene which he never used because that's all we saw of him, and opens fire on the assembled crowd. Screams and blood are abound as the bandaged bounty hunter lays waste to all around him. Piett opens fire with his own weapon, while Captain Needa punches and kicks because his action figure didn't have any accessories of note that would do any good in a fight.]
Harrison Ford: What are you madmen doing?! I don't come out and talk about Star Wars all the time, you know?!
Piett: The real Harrison Ford would've kicked our asses before any of this began! You've lost it, Ford!
[Piett smashes Harrison Ford in the face with the butt of his gun, knocking him to the ground.]
Piett: That was for Indiana Jones 4, you bastard!!!
[Dengar continues to destroy all those still in range. But he is suddenly overwhelmed by 2 men - directors Jon Favreau (THURA: A SPACE ADVENTURE, IRON MAN 2 - IN THEATRES NOW!) and Christopher Nolan (THE DARK KNIGHT, INCEPTION - ALMOST IN THEATRES NOW!). They tackle him to the ground and seperate him from his big lasery boomstick. As Dengar shoves them aside and gets to his feet, the 2 directors grab the bandaging on Dengar's head and, like a May Day pole, begin to run around him.]
Dengar: No, don't do that! NOO!!!
[Quickly, Dengar begins to unwrap like a mummy. And within moments, there is nothing left but a pile of wrappings, his costume and a lifeless human face lying on the ground.]
Chris Nolan and Jon Favreau: We're AWESOME! [high five]
Chris Nolan: Oh man, think of how awesome a movie we both made together would be!
Jon Favreau: Or babies!
Chris Nolan: What?
Jon Favreau: I meant movie. Yeah. I'm sorry, got carried away there.
Chris Nolan: Come on, Jon! Let's go make a movie together!
[Chris Nolan and Jon Favreau clasp hands and skip away from the chaos and off to make a movie...]
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Sean Walsh: That movie was called Bio-Dome. I don't know how they went back in time to make it, but they did. They changed their names and made an awful piece of shit movie starring Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin. And bcause they knew it was a terrible box office failure, they committed suicide sometime later, I think. And if they didn't, THEY SHOULD.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[Meanwhile, the chaos is winding down, as the crowd of starlets and Hollywoodites is thinned incredibly quickly. After dispatching some weasely little bitch from E! Entertainment TV, Captain Needa locks eyes with "actress" and "singer" ...]
Captain Needa: Ashlee Simpson?! Oh, what a boon this will be, to kill someone of incredible uselessness!
[Suddenly a man quite literally jumps in between them.]
Pete Wentz: You'll have to go through me first, asshole!
Captain Needa: Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy? Pfeh. You're noth--
[As Needa approaches, Wentz suddenly spews radioactive bile into the captain's face. Needa screams and melts before their very eyes like that asshole doctor from ER in the first Robocop movie. Seriously. Go watch Robocop again. The goon who melts and gets hit by the truck is totally that prick Romano from ER.]
Pete Wentz: They don't call us Fallout Boy for nothing!
Captain Needa: I can't believe it....Pete Wentz is awesome....BLEAHHHGBBL!!!! [dies]
[With his last ally dead, and the hideous duo of Simpson & Wentz fleeing for their lives, Piett stands alone at ground zero of the Empire Gives Back fundraiser event.]
Ewan McGregor: And so, only we remain!
Piett: Obi-Wan Kenobi!
Ewan McGregor: Beware my Force powers, you murderous bastard!
[Suddenly, Ewan McGregor strikes....with a combination of faux-ninja moves, and a lot of annoying tacky yelling that makes him sound like Bruce Lee. Only he's British. And more out of shape than he was when he was making the prequels. Piett looks on as McGregor seriously tries to put a good effort into looking menacing. So Piett takes his gun and just shoots Ewan McGregor right between the eyes.]
Piett: It's over. [pause] IT'S OVER!!! I've done it! AND I killed a Jedi! Now NO ONE will never forget The Empire Strikes Back on May 21st EVER!!!
Harrison Ford: Actually....it's....May 19th....
Piett: I said [stomps Harrison Ford's head, presumably killing him dead this time] THAT WAS FOR INDIANA JONES 4!!!
[Pause]
Piett: Wait a minute...[checks his time device]...this IS May 19th! We're not even on the right day! So what happens on May 21..... [pause, looks around at all the corpses] Ooh shit.
[The sounds of police sirens, and even an LAPD helicopter, grow closer from the distance, as those not quite dead yet begin to hobble and drag themselves toward the incoming safety. Piett is flummoxed.]
Piett: He DID totally write me as the bad guy. Good grief......uh.......hey, wait. [yells] Fourth world!!
[A Boom Tube opens, revealing the dark god of Apokolips: Darkseid.]
Darkseid: Did someone say....hey wait, you DID say fourth world this time! Wha--
Piett: Run away!!
[Piett pushes Darkseid aside and leaps into his Boom Tube, which snaps shut behind him. Darkseid is stunned, then sees the carnage around him.]
Darkseid: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!?
******
[Meanwhile, on May 21st, 2010....the world is being attacked by pirate gorillas and Nazi dinosaurs. Insane chaos everywhere. Millions dead. And no one really leaping in to save the daARGHHHH!!!!]
Pirate Gorilla [pulling a sword out of the narrator's stomach]: Ahoy, me hearty. I thought this'd be a lot tougher, it'd be.
Tyrannosaurus Reich [translated from German - obviously]: I agree. This is almost....disappointing. The only resistance we've even encountered is....this midget standing before our armies. Let us kill him, yes?
Pirate Gorilla: Arrrr!
[The pirate gorilla and Nazi dinosaur armies descend on the single miniscule man, flossing his teeth and wearing an Empire Strikes Back t-shirt no less.]
Herve: Heh.
******
Epilogue: 6 months later, on The Oprah Winfrey Show...
Oprah: Ladies, my next guest is a world-class humanitarian and a literary sensation. As well as being the most significant donor to finding the cure for cancer in the history of the world, his new book, "Bounty Hunters ARE Scum," has been atop every best sellers list for the last 2 months. And he's giving his first interview exclusive to the world here today! He'll also be adding his insight to being part of the MOST important film in motion picture history as well as his personal connections with the hero of the May 21st Nazi-Simian War. Please welcome............Lobot!
Lobot: {appreciatively waves}
*fin*
Herve: ...OH MY GOD IT'S TECHNICALLY YOUR 30TH BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!
[The scream bewilders the man carrying the boxes and he trips and falls down the stairs.]
Piett: Oh Jesus Christ fuaaaaAAAAAAA!!!!!
[Hilarious looking calamity ensues as boxes and Piett tumble in a hideous mess. Herve writhes in pain as he looks on, then puts his cigarette out under his foot.]
Herve: Too sudden?
Piett: .....
QUANTUM PIETT TURNS 30. SORTA.
[In another place, some hours later. Piett sits at a darkened circular table, his face only slightly illuminated by dim light above. He is alone, but not for long. Several men enter the room, and like Piett their identities are only slightly visible to each other.]
Piett: Gentlemen, let us dispense with the pleasantries and commence the meeting. Are we all in attendance?
Captain Needa: Aye.
General Rieekan: Here.
Dengar: Yeah.
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: Yo.
Lobot: {nods}
Landozzel: Landozzel here.
Piett: Landozzel?! What are you doing here?!?
Landozzel: It makes perfect sense. I'm a combination of not only 2 random Star Wars characters, but characters both from the same movie. [pause] Which is why we're all here. [pause] Today. [pause] Right?
Lobot: {facepalms}
Piett: Way to spoil the connection, asshole. Yes, as my astute colleague has now said before I was going to, we are all here to commemorate the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back. And, in essence, the 30th anniversary of all of us. And that is why.....we must unite to save the world!!
Lobot: {confused}
General Rieekan: I agree with the bald calculator. What?
Piett: It has been 30 years since the release of The Empire Strikes Back. In the years that have transpired, it has become THE greatest film of the saga. However, in the years that have transpired, the prequels have also been released.
Dengar: Boo!!
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: Hssss!!!
Lobot: {thumbs down}
Landozzel: Well, except for Episode 3 which was pretty great.
Piett: That's enough. The prequels have utterly tarnished the grandeur of the saga. And in the day when young children have Clone Wars cartoons and shitty novels with weird aliejns destroying everything and everyone hating Jedi again or whatever, they do not appreciate the original trilogy OR its greatest chapter! So in order to save the world from forgetting the legacy of Empire - of OUR movie! - we must unite and take action to make sure the world never forgets!
Landozzel: But it's Empire, man. How can anything tarnish that? Or even overshadow it?
Piett: Mankind these days can find ways. Easily. Observe.
[Piett leans down and picks up a laptop. After acquiring a wifi signal, he logs onto the internet and loads a page, then slides the device over to Landozzel. He sits and stares at Google.com for a few moments, uncertain as to what he should be reacting--]
Landozzel: OH MY GOD YOU CAN PLAY PAC-MAN ON THE GOOGLE LOGO!!!
Piett: Clearly Empire Strikes Back has lost its luster. Which is why we need to remind people, though an amazing act, that it is greater than they think or remember.
General Rieekan: This is awful. Just.....awful. And it reeks of evil. If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were knee deep in some villainous scheme to kill kids or cancer patients or something.
Piett: Dude, I'm a hero. Walsh would never write me as a villain.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Sean Walsh: Yeah. Never. Hee.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Dengar: Who's Walsh?
Lobot: {shrugs}
Dengar: Hey, why don't you talk?
Piett: Lucas didn't give him any lines. So he's destined to never speak. Ever.
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: I didn't have any lines. And I'm talking. What's up with that?
Piett: Actually, what's up with you even being here?
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: I got the eVite invitation.
Piett: Who still uses eVite??
Captain Needa: I might still use eVite.
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: And could we stop calling me "That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason." I have a name.
Piett: YOU have a name?? They gave YOU a name?!?
Landozzel: Dude, they give *everyone* names now. All the cantina patrons, random Ewoks, even people who used to be called "Amanaman" and "Prune Face." Gotta keep the merchandising alive somehow.
Willrow Hood: Yeah. That includes me. See? It just got updated. Thank you. And I have an action figure too.
Piett: You have.....?
[Pause]
[Piett takes out a gun and shoots Willrow Hood dead.]
Dengar: Oh shit!
General Rieekan: You racist! You just killed our only black guy!
Landozzel: Hey!
Captain Needa: You Rebels and your foolish racial sensitivity. That is why the Empire will win this conflict.
[Piett leans over and whispers something into Needa's ear. A look of horror overcomes his face.]
Needa: They DO?!?
Landozzel [whispers to Lobot]: Man, the continuity is just all over the place in this one, man.
Lobot: {begrudgingly agrees}
*******
[Some time later, Piett and his group of allies reappear across the street from the Arclight Cinema in Hollywood, California, where a gala event is underway. Paparazzi, actors, crazed fans with lightsabers....]
Piett: Wait a minute, lightsabers?
Lobot: {points feverishly}
[All eyes gaze on the sign that Lobot points to and gasp.]
Captain Needa: This is a Star Wars event!
General Rieekan: A SCREENING of Empire Strikes Back!!
Piett: What the.....but this is where we were supposed to go......is this even....
Dengar: So something bad happens here and we have to save these people?
Landozzel: It sounds like it. We clearly have to save the world at a Star Wars event and then everyone will remember us and the movie in a whole new and heroic way!
Piett: Unless......no.....no, don't you all see......the event IS what has to be stopped!
Landozzel: That makes no sense.
Lobot: {horribly confused now}
Piett: I know.....but trust me, it DOES!! Clearly there is something amiss here and it must be stopped. And DESTROYED!!! Yes, yes it's so clear, can't you see?!?
[All gathered join Lobot in making a weird expression of shock and bafflement on their faces. Landozzel's eye catches another sign across the street.]
Landozzel: Wait a minute....this is a St. Jude Children's Hospital event too. They're researching cures for cancer, man...this CAN'T be evil...
Dengar: But have they found it yet? Really?
Landozzel: That's cold, you scum. COLD.
Captain Needa: The bounty hunter's snark reveals some semblance of sense.
General Rieekan: Of course it would, you Nazi.
Captain Needa: Ok, first off when you said "killing cancer patients" earlier.....you totally called this.
General Rieekan [begrudgingly]: Dammit, I kinda totally did.
Captain Needa: But my point is, maybe attacking this event will kickstart the medical community into doing something more about cancer. Think of all the attention this cause will gain, and think of the money people would donate.
Dengar: He's right! Think of all that money that went to 9/11 causes that the government still has stored away in warehouse and bank vaults! They made a ton of cash off that staged event!
Lobot: {.......clearly has had enough, and activates his jetpack and just flies away from this}
Piett: When did he get a jetpack??
Landozzel: I think the question is, why didn't we ever ask him if he had one all along?
Piett: This is stupid....this is all so.....WHAT THE HELL?!?
[Like Lobot before him, Piett feverishly points at another sign: the name of this event.]
Piett: "The Empire GIVES Back?!?" BULLSHIT! We STRIKE!!! WE STRIKE NOW!!!! COME ON!!!!
[An enraged Piett runs across the street, clearly ignoring common street laws. The others shrug and run after him. Piett shoves reporters and photographers alike,until he reaches a group of actors participating in this event: Harrison Ford, Billy Dee Williams, Peter Mayhew and Ewan McGregor. As the commotion begins to swell, and Piett's colleagues also push aside the crowd, he makes the first strike: Piett approaches Peter Mayhew, the actor who portrayed Chewbacca, and kicks his cane out from under him.]
Peter Mayhew: WhoaaaaAAAAAHHH!!!!!
[The 7-foot tall Englishman topples over and crashes on the ground. As he impacts, he explodes in a fiery and sensational fury!!]
General Rieekan: That was.....odd.
Captain Needa: Odd, but effective! LET'S KILL THEM ALL!!!
Landozzel: What....what the hell are you wearing?
Billy Dee Williams: Roscoe Lee Browne? Is that you??
Piett: You do look like Roscoe Lee Browne, now that he says it.
Landozzel: I absolutely do. Awesome. [coughs] I mean, what the hell is with that scarf?! You look like a black Charles Nelson Reilly!
[Seriously, Google this event and look at the picture of what Billy Dee Williams looked like and the fabulously disturbing scarf he was wearing.]
Billy Dee Williams: I don't know why you came back from the dead to compare me to another dead gay man, but I've had just about enough of you too!
[Landozzel and Billy Dee Williams throw punches, which land simultaenously. And in a bizarre puff of logic, both men disintegrate in a strange haze of dust and confusion.]
Captain Needa: Goodness! They're....dead???
General Rieekan: It looked like that scene from Timecop when Ron Silver came into contact with his past self and they both dissolved into time-goop.
[Suddenly a fist punches through Rieekan's chest, and a hand emerges from the other holding his still beating heart. Rieekan's body falls forward into a dead heap.]
Piett: No. Timecop. References.
Captain Needa: Right, no Timec.....nope, nope, none whatsoever.
Piett: Now, let CHAOS REIGN!!!
[Dengar nods, and pulls out that big giant gun he was holding in the Star Destroyer Executor scene which he never used because that's all we saw of him, and opens fire on the assembled crowd. Screams and blood are abound as the bandaged bounty hunter lays waste to all around him. Piett opens fire with his own weapon, while Captain Needa punches and kicks because his action figure didn't have any accessories of note that would do any good in a fight.]
Harrison Ford: What are you madmen doing?! I don't come out and talk about Star Wars all the time, you know?!
Piett: The real Harrison Ford would've kicked our asses before any of this began! You've lost it, Ford!
[Piett smashes Harrison Ford in the face with the butt of his gun, knocking him to the ground.]
Piett: That was for Indiana Jones 4, you bastard!!!
[Dengar continues to destroy all those still in range. But he is suddenly overwhelmed by 2 men - directors Jon Favreau (THURA: A SPACE ADVENTURE, IRON MAN 2 - IN THEATRES NOW!) and Christopher Nolan (THE DARK KNIGHT, INCEPTION - ALMOST IN THEATRES NOW!). They tackle him to the ground and seperate him from his big lasery boomstick. As Dengar shoves them aside and gets to his feet, the 2 directors grab the bandaging on Dengar's head and, like a May Day pole, begin to run around him.]
Dengar: No, don't do that! NOO!!!
[Quickly, Dengar begins to unwrap like a mummy. And within moments, there is nothing left but a pile of wrappings, his costume and a lifeless human face lying on the ground.]
Chris Nolan and Jon Favreau: We're AWESOME! [high five]
Chris Nolan: Oh man, think of how awesome a movie we both made together would be!
Jon Favreau: Or babies!
Chris Nolan: What?
Jon Favreau: I meant movie. Yeah. I'm sorry, got carried away there.
Chris Nolan: Come on, Jon! Let's go make a movie together!
[Chris Nolan and Jon Favreau clasp hands and skip away from the chaos and off to make a movie...]
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Sean Walsh: That movie was called Bio-Dome. I don't know how they went back in time to make it, but they did. They changed their names and made an awful piece of shit movie starring Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin. And bcause they knew it was a terrible box office failure, they committed suicide sometime later, I think. And if they didn't, THEY SHOULD.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[Meanwhile, the chaos is winding down, as the crowd of starlets and Hollywoodites is thinned incredibly quickly. After dispatching some weasely little bitch from E! Entertainment TV, Captain Needa locks eyes with "actress" and "singer" ...]
Captain Needa: Ashlee Simpson?! Oh, what a boon this will be, to kill someone of incredible uselessness!
[Suddenly a man quite literally jumps in between them.]
Pete Wentz: You'll have to go through me first, asshole!
Captain Needa: Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy? Pfeh. You're noth--
[As Needa approaches, Wentz suddenly spews radioactive bile into the captain's face. Needa screams and melts before their very eyes like that asshole doctor from ER in the first Robocop movie. Seriously. Go watch Robocop again. The goon who melts and gets hit by the truck is totally that prick Romano from ER.]
Pete Wentz: They don't call us Fallout Boy for nothing!
Captain Needa: I can't believe it....Pete Wentz is awesome....BLEAHHHGBBL!!!! [dies]
[With his last ally dead, and the hideous duo of Simpson & Wentz fleeing for their lives, Piett stands alone at ground zero of the Empire Gives Back fundraiser event.]
Ewan McGregor: And so, only we remain!
Piett: Obi-Wan Kenobi!
Ewan McGregor: Beware my Force powers, you murderous bastard!
[Suddenly, Ewan McGregor strikes....with a combination of faux-ninja moves, and a lot of annoying tacky yelling that makes him sound like Bruce Lee. Only he's British. And more out of shape than he was when he was making the prequels. Piett looks on as McGregor seriously tries to put a good effort into looking menacing. So Piett takes his gun and just shoots Ewan McGregor right between the eyes.]
Piett: It's over. [pause] IT'S OVER!!! I've done it! AND I killed a Jedi! Now NO ONE will never forget The Empire Strikes Back on May 21st EVER!!!
Harrison Ford: Actually....it's....May 19th....
Piett: I said [stomps Harrison Ford's head, presumably killing him dead this time] THAT WAS FOR INDIANA JONES 4!!!
[Pause]
Piett: Wait a minute...[checks his time device]...this IS May 19th! We're not even on the right day! So what happens on May 21..... [pause, looks around at all the corpses] Ooh shit.
[The sounds of police sirens, and even an LAPD helicopter, grow closer from the distance, as those not quite dead yet begin to hobble and drag themselves toward the incoming safety. Piett is flummoxed.]
Piett: He DID totally write me as the bad guy. Good grief......uh.......hey, wait. [yells] Fourth world!!
[A Boom Tube opens, revealing the dark god of Apokolips: Darkseid.]
Darkseid: Did someone say....hey wait, you DID say fourth world this time! Wha--
Piett: Run away!!
[Piett pushes Darkseid aside and leaps into his Boom Tube, which snaps shut behind him. Darkseid is stunned, then sees the carnage around him.]
Darkseid: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!?
******
[Meanwhile, on May 21st, 2010....the world is being attacked by pirate gorillas and Nazi dinosaurs. Insane chaos everywhere. Millions dead. And no one really leaping in to save the daARGHHHH!!!!]
Pirate Gorilla [pulling a sword out of the narrator's stomach]: Ahoy, me hearty. I thought this'd be a lot tougher, it'd be.
Tyrannosaurus Reich [translated from German - obviously]: I agree. This is almost....disappointing. The only resistance we've even encountered is....this midget standing before our armies. Let us kill him, yes?
Pirate Gorilla: Arrrr!
[The pirate gorilla and Nazi dinosaur armies descend on the single miniscule man, flossing his teeth and wearing an Empire Strikes Back t-shirt no less.]
Herve: Heh.
******
Epilogue: 6 months later, on The Oprah Winfrey Show...
Oprah: Ladies, my next guest is a world-class humanitarian and a literary sensation. As well as being the most significant donor to finding the cure for cancer in the history of the world, his new book, "Bounty Hunters ARE Scum," has been atop every best sellers list for the last 2 months. And he's giving his first interview exclusive to the world here today! He'll also be adding his insight to being part of the MOST important film in motion picture history as well as his personal connections with the hero of the May 21st Nazi-Simian War. Please welcome............Lobot!
Lobot: {appreciatively waves}
*fin*
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The Final Epilogue Finale
Piett: t?
[Piett looks around, and finds that he is, once again, in a dark room hooked up to tubes and wires and being kept in place against his will.]
Piett: OH SON OF A GOD DAMN ASSHOLE BITCH NO!!!
[Just as he screams, a loud alarm signals, and several lights illuminate the room he is in. As it turns out, Piett is locked inside a giant tank of pink goo, connected to tubes and wires, and as the signal goes off the tank opens up and spills its contents onto the cold yet bright white floor. Piett slides out, the tubes and wires disconnecting from his body parts one last time, and he crashes into a wall.]
[And he's wearing pants, so calm down I'm not providing anymore naked visuals.]
Piett: What the.......Lucas be damned, I cannot believe that was all fake! AGAIN!! All those deaths, all those....how.....wait a minute.....
[Piett, now back on his feet, holds his head and tries to gain his composure.]
Piett: It wasn't fake. [looks around] But how do I know that?! [pause] Oh, ok, that's--wait a minute, who just said that?!?
[Suddenly a door slides open, and a white-suited figure Piett thought he'd never see again emerges.]
Herve: DUDE!!!
Piett: Holy shit! Herve?!?
[Herve runs toward, arms extended, and Piett returns the favor with extended arms of his own. But they don't, as Herve skids to a full stop before he reaches Piett.]
Herve: Oh, maybe when you clean yourself up we can hug.
Piett: Or not.
Herve: ....you have to clean yourself up, dude, this pink junk kinda smells terrible.
Piett: I meant not hug.
Herve: Oh. [kinda dejected?] Ok.
Piett: Herv, where the hell are we?!
Herve: I think we're dead.
Piett: Yeah, ok, we're dead. [pause] Although it explains why everything's white and sleek yet bland.
Herve: I got blown up pretty fucking awful, man. Pretty sure I don't come back from that.
Piett: You REMEMBER that?!?
Herve: Of course. I remember the whole thing. And despite what you might've seen, I did NOT tear up before I died.
Piett: Sure. So.....we're dead.
Herve: Yes.
Piett: And this is....Heaven?
Herve: Or Hell.
[Pause]
Piett: Or Limbo?
Herve: With all the crazy shit we've seen, we could be anywhere.
Piett: And maybe not dead. We've seen a LOT, so until I get confirmation I'm not totally buying the dead thing just yet.
[The door slides open again.]
Herve: Well, that's pretty conclusive.
Jesus: Hey guys.
Piett and Herve: JESUS CHRIST!
Jesus: Boy, that never gets old.
Piett: Jesus, we're REALLY sorry about that whole.....you know....second death thing.
Jesus: Eh, it happens. Trust me, once these things [holds up his hands] get nailed once, you're pretty much numb to it for good after that.
Herve: But you died.
Jesus: No, I was just resting.
Piett [aside to Herve]: Did Jesus just reference a Python joke?
Herve: Yes. Greatest thing EVER.
Jesus: It was the space station blowing the crap up that killed me. And you didn't do that, so no hard feelings. Now come on, let's get going.
Piett: Going? Where?
Herve: To Heaven, dude. We're dead, remember?
Piett: Are we really dead?
Jesus: Just about. This is Limbo, so I guess you could technically be alive too.
Herve: Shit, dude, you called it!
Piett: I didn't mean to, but I guess I did. This *is* Limbo.
Jesus: So come on, let's go meet up with the others.
Piett: Others?
[Jesus, not one for patience or waiting.....which seems to fly in the face of, like, everything they taught at Sunday school about the guy.....leads the 2 out of the bright white room and into a bright white hallway. A snap of his fingers cleans Piett up and clothes him in a white suit, similar to his old Imperial admiral uniform, and they walk toward an open area, where several other figures (also wearing white - seeing the theme here?) await. To Piett's shock....he knows every single one of them, for it seems he's entered a waiting room of Quantum Piett allies and ....and even foes, as the 2 most closest to them in the room, who exclaim loudly and salute them with glasses of wine, prove.]
HG Wells and Landozzel: AYYYYY!!!!
Piett: Oh holy shit, no.
Landozzel: Welcome, old bean. Good to see you made it.
Piett: Ok, clearly I didn't "make it" in the ultimate sense of the term, as we are, apparently, dead. But you two....you were villains last I saw you. And *YOU* [points at HG Wells] were inside out!
HG Wells: Seems I got better.
Landozzel: Yes. This place restores you to some earlier version, where things aren't petty and evil.
Piett: Is it just the recent dead who are here, or...?
[Landozzel and HG Wells extend their arms toward the remaining crowd, and Piett soon sees for himself how assorted this group truly is. Nearby, Supreme Pontiff Hook converses with The Pastor, who bless Piett (then chuckle) as he walks by. Ben the Spider-Man and Tom Arnold approach and they all shake hands like old friends would. In a far corner, George Gaynes waves vociferously as he is flanked by Cecil and James Cameron. Even Tarkin, standing alone, darkly glares but nonetheless nods his greetings. The Webmaster and Dot Com, holding hands, wave politely and embrace. He and Herve acknowledge others as they walk past a confused and very irriated old (dead) woman.]
Bea Arthur: Does anyone know or CARE how long I've been here?! I died in real life months ago yet they kept me hanging around here so I could reunite with fictional characters?!? Christ...Jackson got in quicker than I did, and he had sex with young men!
Brainia: Well, to be fair, so did you.
Bea Arthur: What?! No, that's disgusting!!
Brainia: Oh, I'm sorry. Women, then?
Bea Arthur: You sick little broad, *I'm* a woman! I had sex with men!
Brainia: Shit, really?? I just thought you were a very butch gay man.
Witchgirl: You couldn't tell she was a woman? [hugs her from behind] That brain's gone all soft, babe. But I still love you.
Booster Rocket: Oh, and don't they love each other. They've just been banging the whole time we've been here.
Herve: Typical. I always miss all the hot lesbian banging.
Booster Rocket: Oh, trust me, it was a bit much.
Jungle Girl: Even for you, sweetheart?
Booster Rocket: I know. I've always been sexist, but even *I* have my limits.
Jungle Girl [turns to the other women with them]: So he's out of the big gangbang. Guess it's a 4-way with just us girls then.
Kara Power: Oh, absolutely.
Witchgirl and Brainia: Sweet!
Booster Rocket [sighs]: Me and my big mouth.
Jungle Girl: Ooh, that's right. Big mouth. Ok, girls, he's back in.
Booster Rocket: Woohoo!
Piett: Hey, wait....Madchen Amick?!
Madchen Amick: What? Do you know why I'm here? Seriously, one minute I'm alive and then I'm dead and....wherever this is.
Herve: Limbo. [to Piett] Holy crap, dude, that was your first Quantum girlfriend from like 10 years ago!
Madchen Amick: Quantum what? Someone please tell me what's happening here. I want to know if my family is ok.
Piett: You don't remember me........Ishmael? Uh, I mean Firmus?
Madchen Amick: I can honestly say I don't even remember you.
Herve: Ouch.
Madchen Amick: Oh, no insult meant. I'm just a notorious whore in my personal relationships, so I've dated and done so many people between you & I being together and right now, that I really don't even remember you. At all.
[Considerably awkward pause.]
Herve: I'm still saying "ouch" to that.
[Piett walks away quickly to avoid anymore awkwardness.]
Herve: Doesn't remember you. I guess we call that....Quantum withdrawal? [pause] Man, wish more people had that. [pause] And to be fair, I didn't remember her either. I'm impressed Walsh did.
Piett: You don't forget her, man. She did this thing......with her.......upside down.....wow.....maybe I should go--
Lucy: Hi.
Piett: Oh. Hey.
Herve: Oh my. [runs away]
Piett: So....you're here too?
Lucy: Looks like it. Figured I'd be dead along with my brother.
Piett: Your brother.....did this?
Lucy: Apparently. From what [points to Jesus, who's apparently found a friendly audience with actor William Daniels] told me, my brother is very much gone. Forever.
Piett: But....isn't he the Devil?
Lucy: Yeah. Hell's gone too. It's just one game in town now...and I guess we're all heading there now.
Piett: Everyone? [looks at a few of the nefarious folk nearby] Really?
Lucy: Yup. I guess given these...bizarre circumstances, it looks like He's gonna waive the usual rules and let us ALL in.
Piett: Wow. So.....where's that leave us?
Lucy: Well, all the evil awful stuff I felt is....gone now, it seems, and we'll probably be seeing each other a lot up there for the rest of....well ever, so......friends?
Piett: Sure. That works. [they shake hands...then immediately make out]
Lucy: Wow.
Piett: I know.
Lucy: Friends with benefits?
Piett: It's still friends.
[They make out more. Herve, from across the room, is with several other allies and friends.]
Herve: Oh my God, she's eating his face!!!
George Gaynes: No, they're kissing.
Herve: Well, that's ending nicely. Again.
Ben the Spider-Man: Yeah, because it worked so well the first time.
[Herve kicks Ben the Spider-Man in the dick.]
Webmaster: Whoa, geez, what was that for?!
Herve: That was for that crack about you having allies in heaven and then dying after you insulted us from like 20 stories ago, you bastard!!
Ben the Spider-Man: When did....[vomits]....that happen?!?
Tom Arnold: Yeah. He died wacking off to porn too much.
Herve: You can DIE from that?!
Tom Arnold: He found a way.
Herve: Oh wait, I was thinking of that other alternate universe which didn't technically happen or whatever the fuck that plot twist was. Shit, sorry 'bout that, Ben. [helps him up]
Jesus: Ok everybody, it's time to go....
[Everyone gathers together, as a sleek escalator appears out of nowhere. Bea Arthur, fed up with this foolishness, is first and walks up at quite a pace.]
Jesus: Everyone follow the angry man walking 2 steps at a time. It's time to go to Heaven.
Piett: We've been to Heaven.
Herve: Several times.
Jesus: But you were able to leave. You can't now. It's over, Johnny, it's over.
Herve: NOTHING IS OVER!!!
Piett: Jesus Christ....Jesus Christ is quoting Python *and* Rambo in the same story? I have lived long enough.
Herve: I wasn't quoting anyone.
Piett: Dude......let it go.
[The crowd of characters start filing up the escalator. The first few walk, disappearing into the bright light above, while others are lazy and just stand there pissing off those stuck behind them who can't get around.]
Herve: So this is it, man. We're clearly dead.
Piett: Yeah....I guess we are.
Herve: Any regrets?
Piett [holding Lucy's hand]: No, not really.
Herve: Alright then. Let's go.
[As HG Wells and Landozzel turn back and wave as they walk up the stairs into the great unknown, Jesus walks Piett, Lucy and Herve onto the escalator.]
Herve: Heh. It's an actual stairway to heaven. That just hit me now.
Lucy: Wow, you are as slow and dumb as ever. [hugs him] Never change.
[They ascend toward the light. Piett looks down over the edge of the moving stairs, into a dark abyss.]
Piett: What's that down there?
Jesus: Oblivion. Or not. Don't really know, it's a great vast unknown and I prefer it stay that way.
[Piett nods, then looks back down into the darkness, then to Herve, then to Lucy. Finally, he sighs.]
Piett: ...........I have to do this, don't I?
Lucy: Do what?
[Without explanation, Piett kisses Lucy's cheek and leaps off the escalator, into the void below.]
Lucy: WHAT?!?!
Herve: OH MY GOD!!!!
Jesus: ME!!!!!!
Lucy: That asshole just jumped! [pause] He could've had ME for eternity, yet he chose jumping into a dark void!!
Herve: Shit, dude, seriously?! Where's that go?!
Jesus: I.....I just said I don't know!!
[Pause]
Herve: Oh fuck this!!!
[Herve climbs up and jumps down into the void as well.]
Jesus: AAHHHH!!!
Lucy: They BOTH JUMPED?!?!?! To their deaths?!?
Jesus: I.......I have no idea what just happened!! [pause] And it feels awesome! Oh man, thousands of years and nothing has amazed me more than those 2 doing that!
Lucy: What.....how......well, screw those 2, I'm going up to Heaven.
Jesus: Cool.
Lucy: You're not leaping behind after them? Some sorta neverending cosmic chase to get them back?
Jesus: Shit no. I have no idea where they went. And all my stuff is in Heaven. [pause] You know, I've never had a hot redhead over to my apartment before.
Lucy: Are you serious. The Son of God is hitting on me?
[Jesus nods, and Lucy smirks.]
Lucy: My brother would absolutely adore this if he was here right now.
Jesus: And your brother is....?
Lucy: Seriously.
[Pause]
Lucy: ......James Gandolfini. My brother is the guy who played Tony Soprano.
Jesus: Uh, ok. And why would he care in particular about this?
Lucy: Oh Jesus....[takes him by the arm]....the fun we are gonna have...
[And as they ascend, the light overwhelms them and they are gone. The players have entered the light....and entered the darkness. The tale has comes to its conclusion, whether it will continue or not is unknown. But lo, there even comes a time when the adventures of Quantum Piett.........
Piett: Huh. This really is a void. [pause] Well, I have fucked up here somethin' awful.
Herve: aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
*fin*
-Sean Walsh, 11/25/09
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Armageddon Spectacular, Book 5: The...END?!
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the earth. Many earths. Many many earths. He created all life and every detail of it, in an array of dimensions and universes, to infinite perfection.
....then he took a day off and left managing it all to someone else.
That's where we came in.
The kingdom of Natori-Vilal was the initial collection of powers that ensured the universe and all in it and around it ran smoothly. Over time, several beings were dispatched throughout it to watch over it....to guide and protect it. Their names don't even register with me anymore. They were lost over the countless eons, to a variety of manners, or still traverse the cosmic trails today.
I do not care.
But in the end, all it came down to was just 2. The masters of Space and Time, granted superlative power over all others. And over the endless billions of years we amassed more and more power. Those who could not handle their powers gave them to us, and we usurped the powers of those we felt would harm Creation. Under our watchful eyes, universes went through their natural progression - they were born, and then they died. To us, the complexities of the fabric of existance were like basic math and spelling skills are to an educated child. We evolved beyond evolution, became beings that could create and kill upon a touch or with the merest of thoughts.
Then we got lazy. Horribly lazy. We felt it was necessary to use the beings that inhabited our universes to help us guard and patrol them. Such little things, such selfish, vile and sadistic things! All their weaknesses, all their imperfections....yet they fulfilled their meager tasks with acceptable results.
We trusted them, enabled them....even cared for them.
And thus our own weakness was revealed. We were not perfect. We were not gods. We saw mortals in a biased light of ignorance and compassion. Our emotions overcame us and reduced us to their levels.
But we had the power. Oh, and such power! The power to take all and crush it, to reshape it as we wanted. Galaxies could be erased with ease, whole lifeforms could be created and uncreated at our whim. We ran unchecked and could bring all that we surveyed under our control!
Then you happened, Firmus Piett. You and your.....love affair.
You were nothing more than just another minion. You and your friend Herve, a cosmic curiosity himself but insignificant in the end. But then you somehow seducing the Hellion herself, and aroused once more the attention of......the Holy Vacationer.
He suddenly saw us for what we were. MONSTERS, he cried out in his great bolded voice! And he reduced our powers infinitely! No longer could we run our unwielded power across the depths of space and time. We were....emasculated. Mere caretakers who watched from afar and sent others to do our work for us.
We needed the power..........because it fueled us, because it FED us. It was a hunger we could not live without! And unlike most others, you and Herve fulfilled our hunger the best. Your pointlessness and insipidness somehow became more delicious and nourishing as the years progressed. Your "ridiculous battles" across the timelines and timescapes served no real purpose beyond satiating our hunger. But despite this appreciation of your imaginative talents and situations, you were nothing more than useful tools to us in the end.
Chronos: And now.....we come to the end. The fulfillment of a billion billion years. Our sordid back story....[scoops up the fragmented remains of Cosmos' skull]....well, our back story....[tosses it away].....is the last thing you will ever hear.
[Pause]
Chronos: No snappy comeback. I'm almost sad, if I could bother to remember what that emotion was anymore.
[Piett, still overcome by the events of the last few minutes, sits crumpled on the floor amongst Jim Ferr, his dasughters and the Webmaster.]
Webmaster: You'll excuse him if he justed watch his best friend die, you bastard!
Chronos: And I killed mine yet still managed to get through that diatribe. I tire of this. Pick them up.
[HG Wells, the Man-Mammoth and Super Collider surround the heroes and lift them to their feet.]
Jim Ferr: You can't kill us like this! We don't even know why, Lucy....why?!?
Lucy: I'm the fucking devil, you idiot. In all the years we were together, you never say this inevitability coming?!
Chronos: He's a mere mortal, my love. [caresses her midsection] Oh, the tale of how this happened...
Lucy: Dearest, I'm afraid you're falling for the classic villainous trick of overexplaining your side of things and your nefarious plans.
Piett: Tell me. [yells] TELL ME!!!
Chronos [smirks]: But he asked so rudely. Let me torture him.
[Lucy silently smiles as he chuckles.]
Chronos: You see, Piett, no one master of the continuum can exist without the other. When I myself died those several years ago, Cosmos had my sister Chronosia to fill the void of my death. But when my sister died at his irresponsible hands, that convinced me that I needed a stronger companion. One not able to die so easily, or to kill without much thought put into it. I needed a better mate. And a female one, because even a cosmic superpower gets lonely and has needs. So who better to pick than your dear Lucy. A woman of absoulte perfection, whose only flaw was......her own mate. So I got in her ear, as you'd say, and convinced her to change her demands of him, ever so slightly, until finally her imperfect mortal mate abandoned her. And when you stumbled back into her life, and ended up destroying the very realm of Hell as a result - an event that somehow bypassed the watchful eye of [points up] - I preserved her in this device, a cosmic suspension which would both keep her flawless personage intact and also rewrite her very essence to be able to house and control the powers we Natori-Vilali were created to possess. I then decided to abandon my own "mate," Cosmos, by driving him over the brink of stereotypical evil madness, until finally he was broken in both body and mind, where I connected Lucy's suspension tank to his dying body and transferred his power into her rebuilt body.
[Chronos genuflects to his mistress of space, and they mock Piett with a callous and overly dramatic make-out session. If Herve was still alive, even HE'D roll his eyes and not be turned on by it. Well, maybe a little turned on.]
Wells: Can we finish this, master? [Chronos waves his hand in approval] Excellent. Man-Mammoth, make them watch this.....Super Collider! KILL the children!
Super Collider: Wait, what? Oh........no, no I can't kill them. Look at 'em. They're so adorable.
[Brooke and Tracie giggle and do other cute baby stuff.]
Super Collider: Awwwwww seriously, so cute!
Wells: Fool! Obey me!
Super Collider: Killing kids was never part of the--
[Suddenly Brooke and Tracie pull 2 large sharp objects - almost like knitting needles - out of the napsack and forcibly stab Super Collider in the neck.]
Super Collider: ARRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! MY NECK!!!!!!! YOU'VE STABBED IT!!!!! WHY DIDN'T I SEE THIS COMING?!?!?!?! WHY!!!!!!!!! RRAGGHHHHHRUARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Jim Ferr: How can he be screaming and yelling so much with those 2 things jammed on both sides of his neck? He should be dead by now. And when did you start knitting, Ashley? This just makes no sen--
Ashley: Dammit, dad, DO SOMETHING TO SAVE YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!
[Super Collider continues his horrific death throes, as the napsack slips around his arm and he struggles to remove the 2 needles from his bloodied neck. Jim Ferr runs to get his children, but a sudden pulse blasts from the Super Collider's cybernetically enhanced body and sends him and all others within reach flying back. He stumbles back toward the windows of the bridge, as sparks begin to fly and more pulse waves emit from him.]
Super Collider: No.......malfunctions corrupting........failure to.....contain....EXPLOOOOOOOODE!!!!
[Suddenly the Super Collider's black hole vortex, now unchecked and under no living being's control, erupts and rocks the entire bridge with a massive explosion (or rather, implosion?), destroying a radius of about 50 feet around him in the interior of the bridge. Ship claxons alarm and the entire ship begins to shake and lose control of its own navigation abilities, as everyone within the ship feels the hideously cold void of outer space. The Super Collider, with the 2 children still on him, falls out into the depths of space and toward the Earth.
Everyone within the ship, all of whom are positioned far enough away, feel the tug of anti-gravity and hold onto something....anything....for dear life. A chain of people forms - despite their opposing alliegances, the time for conflict has been very much paused for all present. At the very end of this chain of struggling survivors is the Man-Mammoth, whose giant mutated hands quickly lose their grip on Piett's leg, and he falls. But Piett catchs him, by the tusk, and holds on. But the strength of the void's suction is too much; however, instead of Piett's grip loosening, his grip stays firm and it is Man-Mammoth's very tusk that begins to tear out of his face. He yells in pain, until finally the tusk is pulled completely out, and the behemoth mutant plummets out of the ship. Emergency shields finally activate and seal off the bridge, but they are a bit too late for at least one, as the Man-Mammoth is consumed by the cold embrace of deep space.
With gravity restored, the momentum of Piett's arm sends the tusk flying out of his hands, and towards HG Wells.]
HG Wells: No.
[The tusk rams straight through his head, and after sending his body careening against the ravaged main console of the ship, HG Wells' body twitches moves for the final time.]
Chronos: Damnable fools. This is the LAST time I put any trust in your mortal men.
[Chronos sends an energy blast toward the heroes, still recovering from the cosmic calamity, which knocks them to and fro. Jim Ferr tries to attack, but Chronos blasts again and sends him flying to the other side of the damaged bridge. Ashley is next, but she is stopped by Lucy Ferr and backhanded to the ground. The Webmaster summons several small bullet points out of thin air and hurls them at the masters of time and space, but they stop them in mid-air and send them careening back at the cyberspacial guru. They pierce and tear through his body and he falls to the ground, his life now very much in question. They finally descend on Piett, who is still down and not yet recovered.]
Chronos: And so it comes to this. [rolls up his sleeves] I'm going to do something that should've been done long ago.
[He savagely kicks Piett in the face.]
Chronos: Beat some sense into you.
[As his lover Lucy looks on gleefully, Chronos proceeds to just lay a beating down on Piett. Off to the side, Jim Ferr tends to his dasughter Ashley, but she shrugs him off and instead directs him to tend to the dying Webmaster. Jim complies and takes the Webmaster in his arms.]
Jim Ferr: It's ok, Webmaster, you'll be fine.
Webmaster: No....[coughs up blood]....no, this is the end for me...
Jim Ferr: Oh geez, don't say that man. What do I do? What can I do to help you?
Webmaster: There's.....there's one chance. When I came back to....all this....I had a wish....a wish I couldn't use....until there was desperation...this is that moment, and I knew.....I knew it'd take me dying to get it to work......you are that chance, Jim....
Jim Ferr: What are you...? Me? Are you saying I'm our only chance? But I'm nobody, I'm--
Webmaster: Nobody? Oh, my friend.....you don't know...? [coughs] Heh. Looks like I missed a retcon.
Jim Ferr: Wha?
Webmaster: You're our only hope now.....and I wish.....wish you to.....[pulls Jim Ferr closer]....remember....
[Lucy turns from Chronos' beating and toward the duo, feeling something.....terrible.]
Lucy: What--?!
[The Webmaster's life slips away, and suddenly a powerful burst of mystical energy erupts from his very mouth. All around him are affected. Lucy is first to feel the effects, as she shudders and falls to the ground. Suddenly, her brother Jim Ferr bursts into flames and screams, but instead of being destroyed by the flames, they engulf him....and rebuild him. Gone goes the form of man, and arises its in place....The Boss. His howls of pain turn into howls of anger and hate, as his powers recollect themselves and abandon his sister, now powerless.]
Boss: YOU......YOU!!!!!
Lucy Ferr: No......it can't......no.......NO!!!!!!!
[With a rage unlike any that's ever been seen, the Boss explodes in anger and sends all his furious hellpowers toward his dear sister Lucy. She tries to shield herself, but even the mistress of space has no chance of survival, and the flames of Hell unleashed consume her and incinerate her completely. There is literally nothing left of her when the Boss's rage finally subsides.]
Chronos: What? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
[Chronos screams and runs, stumbling and falling to the ground where his Lucy once lay.]
Ashley: No!!!!
[Ashley suddenly begins to fade away, the effects of the mystical burst now affecting her. Because her father is now the Boss, and was never the simple human Jim Ferr, she is ceasing to exist.]
Piett: Oh no, NO!
[The weakened Piett reaches out to her, but Ashley's hand evaporates and she vanishes into non-existance.
And just outside the ship, the Earth itself blinks out of existance, its ravage destruction by a newly born black hole muted to the ears of man by the rules of astrophysics.]
Chronos: No, the Earth! NOOO!!! The Super Collider....his fall.....his powers erupted and destroyed the Earth...DESTROYED MY EARTH!!!! [falls to his knees] That was to be my kingdom.....[looks to where Lucy Ferr was destroyed].....our kingdom. To rule the multiverse....a multiverse I would recreate....just for her.....
[As he sobs, the Boss walks up to him.]
Boss: This ends.
Chronos: Yes. [with tears in his eyes] Yes it does.
[Without a shred of regret, the Boss sends 2 eyebeams of molten hell straight through Chronos' head. The Boss walks away from his fallen corpse, which decays and blows away into dust, and toward a very injured Piett.
Around them, outside the ship, the very stars begin to disappear. Some fade, others blink out, other burst into atoms - the distortion of time itself failing allows the human eyes to see things that would take eons to travel through the vastness of the universe. With no semblance of space and time anymore, their masters now atomized into nothingness, the universe around them is dying. And outside its realm, other universes die as well. The fabric of space and time begins to unravel. Whole parts of the cosmos are literally falling apart. The blackness of space begins to peel away and turn white.
The Executor II slowly turns from the location of the destroyed space station and toward the black hole void that was once the Earth below them. Unable to function on its own, it slowly descends into its oblivion. Its once majestic form breaks apart and is torn asunder.
The Boss stands over a injured Piett, who is coughing up blood and clearly not doing very well at all.]
Piett: So.....this is it, huh?
Boss: Yes. This is the end of everything. [looks down] Are you afraid?
Piett: Scared.....[coughs up blood].....shitless.
Boss: Hrm. Even to the end, your....character remains. [smirks]
Piett: Oh, just end it already.
Boss: Not quite. [looks out into space] Oblivion...and other developments...have claimed whatever passion I had toward wanton death. It's not just the end of you, it's the end of me as well. There is no Hell, there is no hate. This is the only place I have left, and now there is only the coming void to embrace us all. So why not do one last thing....to make amends.
Piett: [coughs] What.....what do you....
[The Boss kneels down and places his hand on Piett's head. Around them, everything fades to white.]
Piett: Heh. S'funny.
Boss: What?
Piett: I died here once, on this ship....long timeago, far far away...who die here again?
Boss: Heh. [closes his eyes] Not quite.
Piett: Wha
....then he took a day off and left managing it all to someone else.
That's where we came in.
The kingdom of Natori-Vilal was the initial collection of powers that ensured the universe and all in it and around it ran smoothly. Over time, several beings were dispatched throughout it to watch over it....to guide and protect it. Their names don't even register with me anymore. They were lost over the countless eons, to a variety of manners, or still traverse the cosmic trails today.
I do not care.
But in the end, all it came down to was just 2. The masters of Space and Time, granted superlative power over all others. And over the endless billions of years we amassed more and more power. Those who could not handle their powers gave them to us, and we usurped the powers of those we felt would harm Creation. Under our watchful eyes, universes went through their natural progression - they were born, and then they died. To us, the complexities of the fabric of existance were like basic math and spelling skills are to an educated child. We evolved beyond evolution, became beings that could create and kill upon a touch or with the merest of thoughts.
Then we got lazy. Horribly lazy. We felt it was necessary to use the beings that inhabited our universes to help us guard and patrol them. Such little things, such selfish, vile and sadistic things! All their weaknesses, all their imperfections....yet they fulfilled their meager tasks with acceptable results.
We trusted them, enabled them....even cared for them.
And thus our own weakness was revealed. We were not perfect. We were not gods. We saw mortals in a biased light of ignorance and compassion. Our emotions overcame us and reduced us to their levels.
But we had the power. Oh, and such power! The power to take all and crush it, to reshape it as we wanted. Galaxies could be erased with ease, whole lifeforms could be created and uncreated at our whim. We ran unchecked and could bring all that we surveyed under our control!
Then you happened, Firmus Piett. You and your.....love affair.
You were nothing more than just another minion. You and your friend Herve, a cosmic curiosity himself but insignificant in the end. But then you somehow seducing the Hellion herself, and aroused once more the attention of......the Holy Vacationer.
He suddenly saw us for what we were. MONSTERS, he cried out in his great bolded voice! And he reduced our powers infinitely! No longer could we run our unwielded power across the depths of space and time. We were....emasculated. Mere caretakers who watched from afar and sent others to do our work for us.
We needed the power..........because it fueled us, because it FED us. It was a hunger we could not live without! And unlike most others, you and Herve fulfilled our hunger the best. Your pointlessness and insipidness somehow became more delicious and nourishing as the years progressed. Your "ridiculous battles" across the timelines and timescapes served no real purpose beyond satiating our hunger. But despite this appreciation of your imaginative talents and situations, you were nothing more than useful tools to us in the end.
Chronos: And now.....we come to the end. The fulfillment of a billion billion years. Our sordid back story....[scoops up the fragmented remains of Cosmos' skull]....well, our back story....[tosses it away].....is the last thing you will ever hear.
[Pause]
Chronos: No snappy comeback. I'm almost sad, if I could bother to remember what that emotion was anymore.
[Piett, still overcome by the events of the last few minutes, sits crumpled on the floor amongst Jim Ferr, his dasughters and the Webmaster.]
Webmaster: You'll excuse him if he justed watch his best friend die, you bastard!
Chronos: And I killed mine yet still managed to get through that diatribe. I tire of this. Pick them up.
[HG Wells, the Man-Mammoth and Super Collider surround the heroes and lift them to their feet.]
Jim Ferr: You can't kill us like this! We don't even know why, Lucy....why?!?
Lucy: I'm the fucking devil, you idiot. In all the years we were together, you never say this inevitability coming?!
Chronos: He's a mere mortal, my love. [caresses her midsection] Oh, the tale of how this happened...
Lucy: Dearest, I'm afraid you're falling for the classic villainous trick of overexplaining your side of things and your nefarious plans.
Piett: Tell me. [yells] TELL ME!!!
Chronos [smirks]: But he asked so rudely. Let me torture him.
[Lucy silently smiles as he chuckles.]
Chronos: You see, Piett, no one master of the continuum can exist without the other. When I myself died those several years ago, Cosmos had my sister Chronosia to fill the void of my death. But when my sister died at his irresponsible hands, that convinced me that I needed a stronger companion. One not able to die so easily, or to kill without much thought put into it. I needed a better mate. And a female one, because even a cosmic superpower gets lonely and has needs. So who better to pick than your dear Lucy. A woman of absoulte perfection, whose only flaw was......her own mate. So I got in her ear, as you'd say, and convinced her to change her demands of him, ever so slightly, until finally her imperfect mortal mate abandoned her. And when you stumbled back into her life, and ended up destroying the very realm of Hell as a result - an event that somehow bypassed the watchful eye of [points up] - I preserved her in this device, a cosmic suspension which would both keep her flawless personage intact and also rewrite her very essence to be able to house and control the powers we Natori-Vilali were created to possess. I then decided to abandon my own "mate," Cosmos, by driving him over the brink of stereotypical evil madness, until finally he was broken in both body and mind, where I connected Lucy's suspension tank to his dying body and transferred his power into her rebuilt body.
[Chronos genuflects to his mistress of space, and they mock Piett with a callous and overly dramatic make-out session. If Herve was still alive, even HE'D roll his eyes and not be turned on by it. Well, maybe a little turned on.]
Wells: Can we finish this, master? [Chronos waves his hand in approval] Excellent. Man-Mammoth, make them watch this.....Super Collider! KILL the children!
Super Collider: Wait, what? Oh........no, no I can't kill them. Look at 'em. They're so adorable.
[Brooke and Tracie giggle and do other cute baby stuff.]
Super Collider: Awwwwww seriously, so cute!
Wells: Fool! Obey me!
Super Collider: Killing kids was never part of the--
[Suddenly Brooke and Tracie pull 2 large sharp objects - almost like knitting needles - out of the napsack and forcibly stab Super Collider in the neck.]
Super Collider: ARRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! MY NECK!!!!!!! YOU'VE STABBED IT!!!!! WHY DIDN'T I SEE THIS COMING?!?!?!?! WHY!!!!!!!!! RRAGGHHHHHRUARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Jim Ferr: How can he be screaming and yelling so much with those 2 things jammed on both sides of his neck? He should be dead by now. And when did you start knitting, Ashley? This just makes no sen--
Ashley: Dammit, dad, DO SOMETHING TO SAVE YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!
[Super Collider continues his horrific death throes, as the napsack slips around his arm and he struggles to remove the 2 needles from his bloodied neck. Jim Ferr runs to get his children, but a sudden pulse blasts from the Super Collider's cybernetically enhanced body and sends him and all others within reach flying back. He stumbles back toward the windows of the bridge, as sparks begin to fly and more pulse waves emit from him.]
Super Collider: No.......malfunctions corrupting........failure to.....contain....EXPLOOOOOOOODE!!!!
[Suddenly the Super Collider's black hole vortex, now unchecked and under no living being's control, erupts and rocks the entire bridge with a massive explosion (or rather, implosion?), destroying a radius of about 50 feet around him in the interior of the bridge. Ship claxons alarm and the entire ship begins to shake and lose control of its own navigation abilities, as everyone within the ship feels the hideously cold void of outer space. The Super Collider, with the 2 children still on him, falls out into the depths of space and toward the Earth.
Everyone within the ship, all of whom are positioned far enough away, feel the tug of anti-gravity and hold onto something....anything....for dear life. A chain of people forms - despite their opposing alliegances, the time for conflict has been very much paused for all present. At the very end of this chain of struggling survivors is the Man-Mammoth, whose giant mutated hands quickly lose their grip on Piett's leg, and he falls. But Piett catchs him, by the tusk, and holds on. But the strength of the void's suction is too much; however, instead of Piett's grip loosening, his grip stays firm and it is Man-Mammoth's very tusk that begins to tear out of his face. He yells in pain, until finally the tusk is pulled completely out, and the behemoth mutant plummets out of the ship. Emergency shields finally activate and seal off the bridge, but they are a bit too late for at least one, as the Man-Mammoth is consumed by the cold embrace of deep space.
With gravity restored, the momentum of Piett's arm sends the tusk flying out of his hands, and towards HG Wells.]
HG Wells: No.
[The tusk rams straight through his head, and after sending his body careening against the ravaged main console of the ship, HG Wells' body twitches moves for the final time.]
Chronos: Damnable fools. This is the LAST time I put any trust in your mortal men.
[Chronos sends an energy blast toward the heroes, still recovering from the cosmic calamity, which knocks them to and fro. Jim Ferr tries to attack, but Chronos blasts again and sends him flying to the other side of the damaged bridge. Ashley is next, but she is stopped by Lucy Ferr and backhanded to the ground. The Webmaster summons several small bullet points out of thin air and hurls them at the masters of time and space, but they stop them in mid-air and send them careening back at the cyberspacial guru. They pierce and tear through his body and he falls to the ground, his life now very much in question. They finally descend on Piett, who is still down and not yet recovered.]
Chronos: And so it comes to this. [rolls up his sleeves] I'm going to do something that should've been done long ago.
[He savagely kicks Piett in the face.]
Chronos: Beat some sense into you.
[As his lover Lucy looks on gleefully, Chronos proceeds to just lay a beating down on Piett. Off to the side, Jim Ferr tends to his dasughter Ashley, but she shrugs him off and instead directs him to tend to the dying Webmaster. Jim complies and takes the Webmaster in his arms.]
Jim Ferr: It's ok, Webmaster, you'll be fine.
Webmaster: No....[coughs up blood]....no, this is the end for me...
Jim Ferr: Oh geez, don't say that man. What do I do? What can I do to help you?
Webmaster: There's.....there's one chance. When I came back to....all this....I had a wish....a wish I couldn't use....until there was desperation...this is that moment, and I knew.....I knew it'd take me dying to get it to work......you are that chance, Jim....
Jim Ferr: What are you...? Me? Are you saying I'm our only chance? But I'm nobody, I'm--
Webmaster: Nobody? Oh, my friend.....you don't know...? [coughs] Heh. Looks like I missed a retcon.
Jim Ferr: Wha?
Webmaster: You're our only hope now.....and I wish.....wish you to.....[pulls Jim Ferr closer]....remember....
[Lucy turns from Chronos' beating and toward the duo, feeling something.....terrible.]
Lucy: What--?!
[The Webmaster's life slips away, and suddenly a powerful burst of mystical energy erupts from his very mouth. All around him are affected. Lucy is first to feel the effects, as she shudders and falls to the ground. Suddenly, her brother Jim Ferr bursts into flames and screams, but instead of being destroyed by the flames, they engulf him....and rebuild him. Gone goes the form of man, and arises its in place....The Boss. His howls of pain turn into howls of anger and hate, as his powers recollect themselves and abandon his sister, now powerless.]
Boss: YOU......YOU!!!!!
Lucy Ferr: No......it can't......no.......NO!!!!!!!
[With a rage unlike any that's ever been seen, the Boss explodes in anger and sends all his furious hellpowers toward his dear sister Lucy. She tries to shield herself, but even the mistress of space has no chance of survival, and the flames of Hell unleashed consume her and incinerate her completely. There is literally nothing left of her when the Boss's rage finally subsides.]
Chronos: What? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
[Chronos screams and runs, stumbling and falling to the ground where his Lucy once lay.]
Ashley: No!!!!
[Ashley suddenly begins to fade away, the effects of the mystical burst now affecting her. Because her father is now the Boss, and was never the simple human Jim Ferr, she is ceasing to exist.]
Piett: Oh no, NO!
[The weakened Piett reaches out to her, but Ashley's hand evaporates and she vanishes into non-existance.
And just outside the ship, the Earth itself blinks out of existance, its ravage destruction by a newly born black hole muted to the ears of man by the rules of astrophysics.]
Chronos: No, the Earth! NOOO!!! The Super Collider....his fall.....his powers erupted and destroyed the Earth...DESTROYED MY EARTH!!!! [falls to his knees] That was to be my kingdom.....[looks to where Lucy Ferr was destroyed].....our kingdom. To rule the multiverse....a multiverse I would recreate....just for her.....
[As he sobs, the Boss walks up to him.]
Boss: This ends.
Chronos: Yes. [with tears in his eyes] Yes it does.
[Without a shred of regret, the Boss sends 2 eyebeams of molten hell straight through Chronos' head. The Boss walks away from his fallen corpse, which decays and blows away into dust, and toward a very injured Piett.
Around them, outside the ship, the very stars begin to disappear. Some fade, others blink out, other burst into atoms - the distortion of time itself failing allows the human eyes to see things that would take eons to travel through the vastness of the universe. With no semblance of space and time anymore, their masters now atomized into nothingness, the universe around them is dying. And outside its realm, other universes die as well. The fabric of space and time begins to unravel. Whole parts of the cosmos are literally falling apart. The blackness of space begins to peel away and turn white.
The Executor II slowly turns from the location of the destroyed space station and toward the black hole void that was once the Earth below them. Unable to function on its own, it slowly descends into its oblivion. Its once majestic form breaks apart and is torn asunder.
The Boss stands over a injured Piett, who is coughing up blood and clearly not doing very well at all.]
Piett: So.....this is it, huh?
Boss: Yes. This is the end of everything. [looks down] Are you afraid?
Piett: Scared.....[coughs up blood].....shitless.
Boss: Hrm. Even to the end, your....character remains. [smirks]
Piett: Oh, just end it already.
Boss: Not quite. [looks out into space] Oblivion...and other developments...have claimed whatever passion I had toward wanton death. It's not just the end of you, it's the end of me as well. There is no Hell, there is no hate. This is the only place I have left, and now there is only the coming void to embrace us all. So why not do one last thing....to make amends.
Piett: [coughs] What.....what do you....
[The Boss kneels down and places his hand on Piett's head. Around them, everything fades to white.]
Piett: Heh. S'funny.
Boss: What?
Piett: I died here once, on this ship....long timeago, far far away...who die here again?
Boss: Heh. [closes his eyes] Not quite.
Piett: Wha
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Armageddon Spectacular, Book 4: WAR!
[Stardate: October something, 2009. Far above the planet Earth, on a space station hidden from radar and even most forms of sight, a battle ensues. While its appearance may look very silly indeed, its nature is of cataclysmic importance. For within its walls, the fate of the multiverse....and existance in its entirety....hangs precariously in the balance. In the midst of RRUAAOOH GOD ARGHHHHHH!!!!!]
Joe Q. Public: Take that, you disembodied narrative voice! The League of Evil Ne'er Do Wells thus lays waste to anothHUARHHHH!!!!!
[From behind, Jim Ferr hey look I got better apparently....ooh, sorry....from bhind, Jim Ferr tears through Joe Q. Public's chest with a large metallic spear. He lifts up the dying pessimistic representative of the reading audience and heaves him through the air toward the shattered remains of the panoramic window. The energy field prevents him from going through, but the spear sticks him to the shield, and after several seconds of intense exposure the body of Joe Q. Public is incincerated.]
Jim Ferr: Damn, that felt good! Easily the least pathetic thing I've done in--
Herve: Shut up and FIGHT!!!!
[Within the space station, chaos reigns. The Quantum gang, the League of Ne'er Do Wells and the allies of League of Evil Ninjas all do vicious battle. Robot zombie monkeys and apes of wrath cake themselves with the others' poo and savagely beat each other senseless. Alan Alda duels with Karl Rove. Booster Rocket flies around and blasts hapless normal yet evil folk with his energy beams. Flying nuns and cheap knock-off muppets lie dead all around. Nazis and Klansmen salute each other and commit atrocities. Jungle Girl and Nancy the Hot Witch wrestle while several men from both sides stand silently and watch.]
Kim Jong Bil: Quick, unleash our atomic weapons on them!
Alan Alda: We're nowhere near your arsenal! And you'd kill us ALL if you had them here!
Kim Jong Bil: Damn this primate brain and its inferiority!
[Alan Alda runs Karl Rove through with his saber.]
Alan Alda: Haha! I've severed your blackened heart, Karl Rove!
Karl Rove: I HAVE no heart!
Alan Alda: Oh no!! I forgot you were a Repub--
[Before he can disparage the Republican Party, Karl Rove grabs Alan Alda's head and twists it around, killing him instantly.]
Kim Jong Bil: Alan Alda!!!! [leaps onto the injured body of Karl Rove] Open wide, you bastard, because you're about to TRULY be full of shit!!!
[He extends his monkey arm down Karl Rove's mouth and gags him to death with a clump of fecal matter. But before he can extract his arm, a giant anime-looking robot aims and blasts Kim Jong Bil and Karl Rove into molecular oblivion.]
Lasertron: And so Lasertron, digital warrior of the 12th Realm has accomplished a major achievement for the League of Evil Ne'er Do......heh?
[Suddenly, several beings shimmer into sight before Lasertron. Invisible until they wish not to be, they are....ninjas!]
Lasertron: Ha! Ninjas cannot defeat me!
But I CAN!
[Suddenly the ninjas part and yield to their greater power: their master, who leaps forth and, upon landing gracefully on his feet, ignites his lightsaber.]
Kung Fu Kenobi: Your comrades have killed our holy emissary. For this, the League of Evil Ninjas decree.....I decree.....that you die.
Lasertron: But I am a robot! I have never truly lived in the first place!
Kung Fu Kenobi [grimly]: Let us test this theory.
[As Kung Fu Kenobi and Lasertron commence their fight, the body count around them from the countless other battles rises. Graham, the former minion of hell and current insane asylum inmate, grabs the gun of a fallen Cyanlon and smashes at the wall of evil doers pressing onto him, until he is lost from sight and beaten to a dead pulp. The Black Lantern, wailing away at the shrinking number of North Korean robot zombie monkeys with his most precious lantern, stops and comforts his bloodied device. When suddenly--]
Flesh...
Black Lantern: What the--?! Did....[holds the lantern before his face]....did you just speak?
[Suddenly a blackened tar spews out and engulfs the Black Lantern's face, smothering him to death. The lantern falls and retracts its gooey substance, and the Black Lantern with it, until it is just a device sitting on the ground of an incredibly chaotic battle.]
This may or may not have been an unofficial crossover to the BLACKEST NIGHT event published by DC Comics.
...probably not, though.
[In a corner of the room, the torture droids EV9D9 and 8D8 have set up their own "work area." They repeatedly waterboard The Human Parachute - to the point where he's most likely dead - until suddenly the behemoth Man-Mammoth knocks all of them down, breaking several of the droids' fragile limbs in the process. They end up leaning against the wall, their heads just propped up vertical, and watch as the Man-Mammoth, comforting his friend's dead body and enraged by his sadistic death, turns and prepare to stomp the life out of them. The droids eerily accept their fates with much relief.]
EV9D9: Ah, at last sweet death finally claims us.
8D8: Thank God. I was really getting sick of Walsh writing us anyway.
[As the Man-Mammoth smashs his foot down, Piett and Herve meet up elsewhere, standing back to back - or rather, back of the head to Piett's ass - as they survey the battleground.]
Piett: How many you kill?
Herve: Wait, we're keeping count?!
Piett: Yeah, I figured we could that. Like that dwarf and the ponce did in Lord of the Rings.
Herve: Oh, I musta killed......4.
Piett: Just 4?!
Herve: I wasn't really keeping count, dude.
Piett: But 4 is low enough to remember without even trying to count. I'm disappointed.
Herve: Yeah, well how many have you killed?!?!
Piett: Well, I killed Ben Franklin Jr.
[He points to the dead body of Ben Franklin's ficticious son, who is lying face down in a pool of blood and has an American flag shoved right in his ass.]
Herve: Where did you find an American flag in here??
Piett: The spirit of America is everywhere, man.
Herve: That makes no sense. And you never answered my question.
Piett: .......never mind.
Herve: So just that one and LESS than 4! HA!
Elie Wiesel: And that is where it will remain, quantum corpses!
Herve: Oh shit, it's Elie Wiesel the Nazi Hunter!
Piett: AND all the damn Nazis and Klansmen I imagined from Earth-Topanga!! You DICKS!!
Elie Wiesel: We brownshirts stick together.
Piett: Oh, do you now?!
[Piett closes his eyes, thinks and suddenly the Nazis and Klansmen are unimagined and dissipate into nothingness.]
Elie Wiesel: Gott in himmel!
Herve: And now, your death will be even simpler!
Piett and Elie Wiesel: It will?!
[Pause]
Herve: .....seriously? [to Piett] Man, I'm remembering a plot point and you're not?! How about that. [to Elie Wiesel] Well, here it goes.......DUDE!!!!
[Piett stands puzzled while Elie Wiesel laughs. But suddenly, he stops and screams, gripping his head as he moans and hollars in agony. He falls back and down to his knees, as his very face begins to distort and the size of his head expands. Suddenly...]
PAMF!!!
[Elie Wiesel's head explodes in a hideous frenzy of bone, flesh and brains.]
Verne Troyer: Oh thank GOD someone finally said that word!
Piett & Herve [caked in dead Nazi Hunter parts]: DUDE!!!!
Verne Troyer: Yeah, you said it already, once is more than enough. Man, SO glad I pulled that trick off before the Nazis burned Hitler's corpse, retrieved the brain and took us all to recuperate in Argentina.
Piett: Are we referencing the Hitler story AND They Saved Hitler's Brain right now?
Herve: We totally are.
[Suddenly a dead dinocroc commando is flung past, and the 3 rejoin the battle. Piett picks up Verne Troyer and throws him into the chaos, but sadly he is implanted right into the face of Mandrakk, the captain of the pirate TV's, and the 2 are electrocuted and die immediately.]
Piett: Ooh, sorry. All that setup for.....ouch.
[Edgar Allan Poe's evil half twin brother Paco Poe attempts to tackle Piett, but a swift reversal results in Poe's head being disconnected from his body, much to Piett's shock and eventual delight. Nearby, Jim Ferr pulls the gooey phlegm-covered heart of The Booger Man out of his chest, while his daughter Ashley (with her sisters Tracie and Brooke in a napsack on her back) kills Mel Simpson of Hollywood, Florida, and his evil wife Ruth. Elsewhere, Captain Rexxx and his bounty hunters are watching the fight from an unseen alcove.]
Bossk: Captain, what do we do?
Captain Rexxx: We're bounty hunters, my friend, not charity workers. While we have more honor and respect than most of our ilk, we're STILL loyal to our roots. And we fight.....for a price.
Cecil: How about for the highest bidder?
[Cosmos and Chronos' lackey, emerging from the shadows nearby, approaches and hands Rexxx a wad of cash.]
Captain Rexxx: Ay, this'll do nicely. Your orders, sir?
Cecil: Kill them. [pause] Kill the League of Ne'er Do Wells.
Captain Rexxx: You heard the boss, lads, kill the bunch of retards!
[The bounty hunters cry out and leap into action. Sadly, it turns out they weren't really understanding which side is which at all, and start killing people from both sides, as William James Howard the 3rd and the last of the Cyanlons fall to their savage hands. Soon, though, fragments of the 2 warring factions band together and slaughter the bounty hunter scum.]
Cecil: Well, that was a good waste of my life's saviAHK
[As Cecil turns to lurk away, he runs into a sharp dagger that pierces his stomach. His killer pulls him closer.]
Cosmos: I told you I'd keep my eye on you...
[Cosmos drags Cecil's body away and, in a flash of light, Cecil's body is no more. Meanwhile, a brutally sexy fight has ended, as Nancy the Hot Witch lies dead, her body bloodied and cloths torn asunder to reveal her appealing and supple form, while a panting and sweating Jungle Girl, her heaving busoms glistening in the shreds of light and her tattered swimsuit attire torn just enough to reveal her wet and naked...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
He stops typing.
Sean Walsh: Sorry. But I'm so lonely...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
...so Jungle Girl has killed that other chick, and her boyfriend Booster Rocket lands to comfort her, when suddenly the Man-Mammoth runs her through with one of his tusks and flings her out of sight. Booster Rocket is enraged at the loss of his love and goes to blast the genetic freak, when suddenly the Bromancer stops him in his tracks and entrances him with his hypnotic glare. Suddenly, the 2 men are groping and kissing each other. Man-Mammoth shakes his head and walks away from the 2 newfound lovers and their....ok, no offense to gay folks, but EWWWWWW. But soon all goes black for the duo, as the oversized Lasertron falls and crushes the duo dead. Kung Fu Kenobi removes his lightsaber from the temple of Lasertron's robot head and leaps into the shadows, where his ninjas join him. The mission of Kung Fu Kenobi....is fulfilled.
[As the chaos dwindles down and the pile of dead reaches its zenith, Piett delivers a fatal blow to the last of the Apes of Wrath, then moves to the center of the room with Herve in tow.]
Piett: Gather around, folks, I think we're nearing the end of this!
[They are joined by what appears to be their only remaining comrades in arms - the Webmaster, Jim Ferr, Ashley and her sisters. As Ashley tries to speak to Piett, the creature Premartial Rex makes a lunge at them, and Ashley smashes it in the face with a brick (where she got a brick on a giant satellite suspended in space I'll never know), killing it dead in its tracks.]
Ashley: Say NO to premarital sex!
Piett [to self]: Aw...
Jim Ferr: Well done, Ashley!
Ashley: Shit, dad, this is AWESOME! I totally killed people!
Jim Ferr: Language, Ashley. Not in front of your sisters.
Herve: Wait a tic, what about Jesus?? Where's Jesus?!?!
[Herve and the others look around, and as they do an ominously shaped shadow covers them. They turn to see what it is, and.....]
Piett and all: OHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
[It is Jesus, and he is...well, you can probably guess his condition. And can probably also guess the exact visual, too.]
Piett: Not again!! NOT AGAIN!!!!!
Herve: Who did that! [points] Which one of you SONS OF BITCHES DID THAT!!!!
[Suddenly a man leaps forward.]
Lou Gehrig's Disease: And now, like your Savior, you will die a horrible and slow death too!
Herve: YOU did this?!? YOU!!!!!
Lou Gehrig's Disease: No! Oh Jesus...uh, NO! I didn't!! I'm just using the visual to help convey my desire to kill you! [pause] And I inmmediately regretting doing so as a result!
[The Webmaster conjures up a soda can and tosses it to Herve. Herve shakes it up and opens it, spraying Lou Gehrig's Disease in the face. He gags and coughs, then comes to......anf feels refreshingly better...]
Lou Gehrig: Oh....oh my lord....you cured me! By the crucified body of Jesus....[feels awkward]....LITERALLY by his body, you've cured Lou Gehrig's Disease!
[Piett promptly steps forward and punches Lou Gehrig in the throat. He collapses and struggles to breath, but fails...and dies.]
Herve: You're aware of the wonders of ginger ale too?!
Webmaster: Who the fuck isn't?!
Piett: But seriously, loyal reading audience, while ginger ale cures our ails....it doesn't nothing in real life. [shrugs] Sorry.
Herve: Guys, we have to find Cosmos and Chronos! It's time to finish this.
Webmaster: I did a scan of this whole place moments ago, and those living viruses are not on the station!
Piett: Then where could they--
HG Wells: Enough! Our forces our depleted and dead all around us! Now it's time to finish this sordid affair!
Piett: Are they really?! [he and Herve look around] Shit! They are ALL dead!
HG Wells: Super Collider, Man-Mammoth, Warlock Hemlock, Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist....to my side!
Dr. Tolliver Smith: Damn, son, look at us!
Warlock Hemlock: I know! We did, like, nothing at all and yet we're still alive!
[Likewise, Piett summons his surviving faction to his side: Herve, the Webmaster, Jim Ferr, Ashley and her 2 baby sisters.]
Dr. Tolliver Smith: One side, Master Wells, we'll handle these rapscallions!
Warlock Hemlock: Indeed! I'll use my powers of the macabre to destroy them utterly!
Dr. Tolliver Smith: And I'll look on.....MENACINGLY!
[Behind them...in fact, behind them all, in the coldness of space...the Executor II suddenly turns and faces the space station. All except Hemlock and the Abortionist take notice, as small bright multicolored lights suddenly appear and grow....much larger in size.]
Herve: Oh shit.
Piett: Hey Webmaster? [eyes widen] I think I know where Cosmos and Chronos went.
[HG Wells turns and panics silently, urging the Super Collider to activate his powers. He does, and both Wells and Man-Mammoth leaps into his body, and the Collider swallows himself up in turn. Piett smacks his belt buckle transporter and, holding hands, his group leaps into the portal created and disappear from sight.]
Warlock Hemlock: And they flee! HAHA! Our macabre menace has won the day!! [high fives Tolliver Smith] I tell ya, Doc, things are looking up for us. Soon the universe will dread the hideous threat of Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist and Warlock Hemlock!
[Suddenly those distant bright lights....or turbolaser beams.....strike the space station, and the room is ignited in a vast explosion. Both men burst into flames and stumble into their agonizing deaths.]
Warlock Hemlock: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist: Oh God above, no living thing has ever felt so much PAINNNNNNNNN!!!!
[Within moments, the space station is overcome with more laser fire and, in a dazzling display, goes supernova, wiping out all that existed of the great war of the League of Ever Ninjas & Evil Ne'er Do Wells.]
***
[Moments later, Piett and his group emerge on the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer Executor II. They are immediately confronted by a shocked and surprised Cosmos and Chronos, standing before a giant machine. Before Piett or Herve can ask why this has happened with relative ease, they realize the grim reality: beside them sits the ravaged and burnt out console containing the electronic form of the late George Gaynes. He is dead again, it seems, the Executor II now under the control of Cosmos and Chronos: masters of space and time.]
Herve: Repsectively. [disgusted] Oh, you know what, I'm just not saying that anymore.
Cosmos and Chronos: YOU!!!!
Piett and Herve: US!!!!!
Chronos: Wells, defend us!
[Pause]
Chronos: Wells?!? WELLS!!!!
HG Wells: We...we landed in the crew pit, master! Man-Mammoth landed right on top of me!
Man-Mammoth: Stop fidgeting like that, it tickles!
Chronos: Damnation, must I do everything mys--
[But the Webmaster conjures a series of HTML code and flings them at the masters of space and time. The symbols magically explode and send the cosmic beings flying. Piett and Herve focus on the large device which seem to be the source of Cosmos and Chronos' recent attention.]
Piett: What the hell is that?!
Webmaster: Scans indicate....it's a cryogenic chamber....good grief....there's someone in there!!
Piett: But who--?
Cosmos: ENOUGH! Now you DIE!!!
Piett: Cosmos?!?
Herve: Piett, LOOK OUT!!!
[As Cosmos leaps forward, Herve himself leaps into his path. In a stunning display of acrobatics, though, Cosmos manages to stop himself and land on his feet, grab Herve mid-air, and bites down on his neck.]
Herve: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
Piett: Herve, NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
[As Cosmos, his face distorted by some dark evil, bites Herve's neck (oh, the irony), streams of energy begin to spew from Herve's wound and into Cosmo's physical form. He is literally sucking the life energies out of Piett's miniscule, and loyal, friend. A distraught Piett tries to help, but Jim Ferr and Webmaster hold him back for his own safety. Around both men, swirling bands of energy begin to form. Cosmos, who at first was thirsting and desirious of consuming the energies, is slowly becoming frightened, and begins to panic.....yet still cannot let go. Herve, the life draining from his eyes, looks back to Piett.....and smiles, one last time.]
BADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!
[A forceful explosion rocks the entire bridge. When the smoke clears, Herve is gone, completely and utterly, and Cosmos is at the feet of his friend Chronos, his face and body burnt to a crisp.]
Piett: Oh....Oh GOD NO!
Cosmos: Toomuch!!! NAGHHH, how....how could he contain so much powerrr!!
Chronos: Rest, my friend. Your sloth and avarice have overwhelmed you.
Cosmos: Morrree, Chronos....Imusthavvv.....moore.....MOORRE!!!
[Chronos rests his hand on his friend's chest, and with his other hand grabs a giant wire connector.]
Chronos: No, my friend. You've had....more than your share. Now I take mine.
[Without comment, Chronos thrusts the connector into Cosmos' heart. The cryogenic machine activates and blasts at full power, as Cosmos screams an unholy shriek of hellish death. The figure inside the chamber stirs, while Chronos looks down on his friend and his smoldering body. In a flash, Cosmos' body lies dead and lifeless, burned to a crisp right down the bone. Chronos tosses the connector away and lets the skeltal remains fall to the floor.]
Chronos: Oh Cosmos, my oldest friend........you simply never had it in you to be truly evil. Only this shoddily constructed and uneven impersonation of evil.
[Chronos steps on Cosmos' charred skull and shatters it. As Piett and the others recover on the other side of the bridge, the cryogenic chamber slowly opens and an icy cloud bellows out. Chronos' eyes turn from lifeless disdain to hope-filled delight, as he walks toward the doors and extends his hand. Another hand.....a feminine hand....extends from within the frozen device, and exits much to everyone's shock.]
Chronos: And now, those who are about to die.....welcome the new master...or rather, MISTRESS, of space.
Piett: What the...
Webmaster: Egads....
Jim Ferr: .........LUCY?!?
*to be continued!*
Joe Q. Public: Take that, you disembodied narrative voice! The League of Evil Ne'er Do Wells thus lays waste to anothHUARHHHH!!!!!
[From behind, Jim Ferr hey look I got better apparently....ooh, sorry....from bhind, Jim Ferr tears through Joe Q. Public's chest with a large metallic spear. He lifts up the dying pessimistic representative of the reading audience and heaves him through the air toward the shattered remains of the panoramic window. The energy field prevents him from going through, but the spear sticks him to the shield, and after several seconds of intense exposure the body of Joe Q. Public is incincerated.]
Jim Ferr: Damn, that felt good! Easily the least pathetic thing I've done in--
Herve: Shut up and FIGHT!!!!
[Within the space station, chaos reigns. The Quantum gang, the League of Ne'er Do Wells and the allies of League of Evil Ninjas all do vicious battle. Robot zombie monkeys and apes of wrath cake themselves with the others' poo and savagely beat each other senseless. Alan Alda duels with Karl Rove. Booster Rocket flies around and blasts hapless normal yet evil folk with his energy beams. Flying nuns and cheap knock-off muppets lie dead all around. Nazis and Klansmen salute each other and commit atrocities. Jungle Girl and Nancy the Hot Witch wrestle while several men from both sides stand silently and watch.]
Kim Jong Bil: Quick, unleash our atomic weapons on them!
Alan Alda: We're nowhere near your arsenal! And you'd kill us ALL if you had them here!
Kim Jong Bil: Damn this primate brain and its inferiority!
[Alan Alda runs Karl Rove through with his saber.]
Alan Alda: Haha! I've severed your blackened heart, Karl Rove!
Karl Rove: I HAVE no heart!
Alan Alda: Oh no!! I forgot you were a Repub--
[Before he can disparage the Republican Party, Karl Rove grabs Alan Alda's head and twists it around, killing him instantly.]
Kim Jong Bil: Alan Alda!!!! [leaps onto the injured body of Karl Rove] Open wide, you bastard, because you're about to TRULY be full of shit!!!
[He extends his monkey arm down Karl Rove's mouth and gags him to death with a clump of fecal matter. But before he can extract his arm, a giant anime-looking robot aims and blasts Kim Jong Bil and Karl Rove into molecular oblivion.]
Lasertron: And so Lasertron, digital warrior of the 12th Realm has accomplished a major achievement for the League of Evil Ne'er Do......heh?
[Suddenly, several beings shimmer into sight before Lasertron. Invisible until they wish not to be, they are....ninjas!]
Lasertron: Ha! Ninjas cannot defeat me!
But I CAN!
[Suddenly the ninjas part and yield to their greater power: their master, who leaps forth and, upon landing gracefully on his feet, ignites his lightsaber.]
Kung Fu Kenobi: Your comrades have killed our holy emissary. For this, the League of Evil Ninjas decree.....I decree.....that you die.
Lasertron: But I am a robot! I have never truly lived in the first place!
Kung Fu Kenobi [grimly]: Let us test this theory.
[As Kung Fu Kenobi and Lasertron commence their fight, the body count around them from the countless other battles rises. Graham, the former minion of hell and current insane asylum inmate, grabs the gun of a fallen Cyanlon and smashes at the wall of evil doers pressing onto him, until he is lost from sight and beaten to a dead pulp. The Black Lantern, wailing away at the shrinking number of North Korean robot zombie monkeys with his most precious lantern, stops and comforts his bloodied device. When suddenly--]
Flesh...
Black Lantern: What the--?! Did....[holds the lantern before his face]....did you just speak?
[Suddenly a blackened tar spews out and engulfs the Black Lantern's face, smothering him to death. The lantern falls and retracts its gooey substance, and the Black Lantern with it, until it is just a device sitting on the ground of an incredibly chaotic battle.]
...probably not, though.
[In a corner of the room, the torture droids EV9D9 and 8D8 have set up their own "work area." They repeatedly waterboard The Human Parachute - to the point where he's most likely dead - until suddenly the behemoth Man-Mammoth knocks all of them down, breaking several of the droids' fragile limbs in the process. They end up leaning against the wall, their heads just propped up vertical, and watch as the Man-Mammoth, comforting his friend's dead body and enraged by his sadistic death, turns and prepare to stomp the life out of them. The droids eerily accept their fates with much relief.]
EV9D9: Ah, at last sweet death finally claims us.
8D8: Thank God. I was really getting sick of Walsh writing us anyway.
[As the Man-Mammoth smashs his foot down, Piett and Herve meet up elsewhere, standing back to back - or rather, back of the head to Piett's ass - as they survey the battleground.]
Piett: How many you kill?
Herve: Wait, we're keeping count?!
Piett: Yeah, I figured we could that. Like that dwarf and the ponce did in Lord of the Rings.
Herve: Oh, I musta killed......4.
Piett: Just 4?!
Herve: I wasn't really keeping count, dude.
Piett: But 4 is low enough to remember without even trying to count. I'm disappointed.
Herve: Yeah, well how many have you killed?!?!
Piett: Well, I killed Ben Franklin Jr.
[He points to the dead body of Ben Franklin's ficticious son, who is lying face down in a pool of blood and has an American flag shoved right in his ass.]
Herve: Where did you find an American flag in here??
Piett: The spirit of America is everywhere, man.
Herve: That makes no sense. And you never answered my question.
Piett: .......never mind.
Herve: So just that one and LESS than 4! HA!
Elie Wiesel: And that is where it will remain, quantum corpses!
Herve: Oh shit, it's Elie Wiesel the Nazi Hunter!
Piett: AND all the damn Nazis and Klansmen I imagined from Earth-Topanga!! You DICKS!!
Elie Wiesel: We brownshirts stick together.
Piett: Oh, do you now?!
[Piett closes his eyes, thinks and suddenly the Nazis and Klansmen are unimagined and dissipate into nothingness.]
Elie Wiesel: Gott in himmel!
Herve: And now, your death will be even simpler!
Piett and Elie Wiesel: It will?!
[Pause]
Herve: .....seriously? [to Piett] Man, I'm remembering a plot point and you're not?! How about that. [to Elie Wiesel] Well, here it goes.......DUDE!!!!
[Piett stands puzzled while Elie Wiesel laughs. But suddenly, he stops and screams, gripping his head as he moans and hollars in agony. He falls back and down to his knees, as his very face begins to distort and the size of his head expands. Suddenly...]
PAMF!!!
[Elie Wiesel's head explodes in a hideous frenzy of bone, flesh and brains.]
Verne Troyer: Oh thank GOD someone finally said that word!
Piett & Herve [caked in dead Nazi Hunter parts]: DUDE!!!!
Verne Troyer: Yeah, you said it already, once is more than enough. Man, SO glad I pulled that trick off before the Nazis burned Hitler's corpse, retrieved the brain and took us all to recuperate in Argentina.
Piett: Are we referencing the Hitler story AND They Saved Hitler's Brain right now?
Herve: We totally are.
[Suddenly a dead dinocroc commando is flung past, and the 3 rejoin the battle. Piett picks up Verne Troyer and throws him into the chaos, but sadly he is implanted right into the face of Mandrakk, the captain of the pirate TV's, and the 2 are electrocuted and die immediately.]
Piett: Ooh, sorry. All that setup for.....ouch.
[Edgar Allan Poe's evil half twin brother Paco Poe attempts to tackle Piett, but a swift reversal results in Poe's head being disconnected from his body, much to Piett's shock and eventual delight. Nearby, Jim Ferr pulls the gooey phlegm-covered heart of The Booger Man out of his chest, while his daughter Ashley (with her sisters Tracie and Brooke in a napsack on her back) kills Mel Simpson of Hollywood, Florida, and his evil wife Ruth. Elsewhere, Captain Rexxx and his bounty hunters are watching the fight from an unseen alcove.]
Bossk: Captain, what do we do?
Captain Rexxx: We're bounty hunters, my friend, not charity workers. While we have more honor and respect than most of our ilk, we're STILL loyal to our roots. And we fight.....for a price.
Cecil: How about for the highest bidder?
[Cosmos and Chronos' lackey, emerging from the shadows nearby, approaches and hands Rexxx a wad of cash.]
Captain Rexxx: Ay, this'll do nicely. Your orders, sir?
Cecil: Kill them. [pause] Kill the League of Ne'er Do Wells.
Captain Rexxx: You heard the boss, lads, kill the bunch of retards!
[The bounty hunters cry out and leap into action. Sadly, it turns out they weren't really understanding which side is which at all, and start killing people from both sides, as William James Howard the 3rd and the last of the Cyanlons fall to their savage hands. Soon, though, fragments of the 2 warring factions band together and slaughter the bounty hunter scum.]
Cecil: Well, that was a good waste of my life's saviAHK
[As Cecil turns to lurk away, he runs into a sharp dagger that pierces his stomach. His killer pulls him closer.]
Cosmos: I told you I'd keep my eye on you...
[Cosmos drags Cecil's body away and, in a flash of light, Cecil's body is no more. Meanwhile, a brutally sexy fight has ended, as Nancy the Hot Witch lies dead, her body bloodied and cloths torn asunder to reveal her appealing and supple form, while a panting and sweating Jungle Girl, her heaving busoms glistening in the shreds of light and her tattered swimsuit attire torn just enough to reveal her wet and naked...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
He stops typing.
Sean Walsh: Sorry. But I'm so lonely...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
...so Jungle Girl has killed that other chick, and her boyfriend Booster Rocket lands to comfort her, when suddenly the Man-Mammoth runs her through with one of his tusks and flings her out of sight. Booster Rocket is enraged at the loss of his love and goes to blast the genetic freak, when suddenly the Bromancer stops him in his tracks and entrances him with his hypnotic glare. Suddenly, the 2 men are groping and kissing each other. Man-Mammoth shakes his head and walks away from the 2 newfound lovers and their....ok, no offense to gay folks, but EWWWWWW. But soon all goes black for the duo, as the oversized Lasertron falls and crushes the duo dead. Kung Fu Kenobi removes his lightsaber from the temple of Lasertron's robot head and leaps into the shadows, where his ninjas join him. The mission of Kung Fu Kenobi....is fulfilled.
[As the chaos dwindles down and the pile of dead reaches its zenith, Piett delivers a fatal blow to the last of the Apes of Wrath, then moves to the center of the room with Herve in tow.]
Piett: Gather around, folks, I think we're nearing the end of this!
[They are joined by what appears to be their only remaining comrades in arms - the Webmaster, Jim Ferr, Ashley and her sisters. As Ashley tries to speak to Piett, the creature Premartial Rex makes a lunge at them, and Ashley smashes it in the face with a brick (where she got a brick on a giant satellite suspended in space I'll never know), killing it dead in its tracks.]
Ashley: Say NO to premarital sex!
Piett [to self]: Aw...
Jim Ferr: Well done, Ashley!
Ashley: Shit, dad, this is AWESOME! I totally killed people!
Jim Ferr: Language, Ashley. Not in front of your sisters.
Herve: Wait a tic, what about Jesus?? Where's Jesus?!?!
[Herve and the others look around, and as they do an ominously shaped shadow covers them. They turn to see what it is, and.....]
Piett and all: OHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
[It is Jesus, and he is...well, you can probably guess his condition. And can probably also guess the exact visual, too.]
Piett: Not again!! NOT AGAIN!!!!!
Herve: Who did that! [points] Which one of you SONS OF BITCHES DID THAT!!!!
[Suddenly a man leaps forward.]
Lou Gehrig's Disease: And now, like your Savior, you will die a horrible and slow death too!
Herve: YOU did this?!? YOU!!!!!
Lou Gehrig's Disease: No! Oh Jesus...uh, NO! I didn't!! I'm just using the visual to help convey my desire to kill you! [pause] And I inmmediately regretting doing so as a result!
[The Webmaster conjures up a soda can and tosses it to Herve. Herve shakes it up and opens it, spraying Lou Gehrig's Disease in the face. He gags and coughs, then comes to......anf feels refreshingly better...]
Lou Gehrig: Oh....oh my lord....you cured me! By the crucified body of Jesus....[feels awkward]....LITERALLY by his body, you've cured Lou Gehrig's Disease!
[Piett promptly steps forward and punches Lou Gehrig in the throat. He collapses and struggles to breath, but fails...and dies.]
Herve: You're aware of the wonders of ginger ale too?!
Webmaster: Who the fuck isn't?!
Piett: But seriously, loyal reading audience, while ginger ale cures our ails....it doesn't nothing in real life. [shrugs] Sorry.
Herve: Guys, we have to find Cosmos and Chronos! It's time to finish this.
Webmaster: I did a scan of this whole place moments ago, and those living viruses are not on the station!
Piett: Then where could they--
HG Wells: Enough! Our forces our depleted and dead all around us! Now it's time to finish this sordid affair!
Piett: Are they really?! [he and Herve look around] Shit! They are ALL dead!
HG Wells: Super Collider, Man-Mammoth, Warlock Hemlock, Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist....to my side!
Dr. Tolliver Smith: Damn, son, look at us!
Warlock Hemlock: I know! We did, like, nothing at all and yet we're still alive!
[Likewise, Piett summons his surviving faction to his side: Herve, the Webmaster, Jim Ferr, Ashley and her 2 baby sisters.]
Dr. Tolliver Smith: One side, Master Wells, we'll handle these rapscallions!
Warlock Hemlock: Indeed! I'll use my powers of the macabre to destroy them utterly!
Dr. Tolliver Smith: And I'll look on.....MENACINGLY!
[Behind them...in fact, behind them all, in the coldness of space...the Executor II suddenly turns and faces the space station. All except Hemlock and the Abortionist take notice, as small bright multicolored lights suddenly appear and grow....much larger in size.]
Herve: Oh shit.
Piett: Hey Webmaster? [eyes widen] I think I know where Cosmos and Chronos went.
[HG Wells turns and panics silently, urging the Super Collider to activate his powers. He does, and both Wells and Man-Mammoth leaps into his body, and the Collider swallows himself up in turn. Piett smacks his belt buckle transporter and, holding hands, his group leaps into the portal created and disappear from sight.]
Warlock Hemlock: And they flee! HAHA! Our macabre menace has won the day!! [high fives Tolliver Smith] I tell ya, Doc, things are looking up for us. Soon the universe will dread the hideous threat of Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist and Warlock Hemlock!
[Suddenly those distant bright lights....or turbolaser beams.....strike the space station, and the room is ignited in a vast explosion. Both men burst into flames and stumble into their agonizing deaths.]
Warlock Hemlock: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist: Oh God above, no living thing has ever felt so much PAINNNNNNNNN!!!!
[Within moments, the space station is overcome with more laser fire and, in a dazzling display, goes supernova, wiping out all that existed of the great war of the League of Ever Ninjas & Evil Ne'er Do Wells.]
***
[Moments later, Piett and his group emerge on the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer Executor II. They are immediately confronted by a shocked and surprised Cosmos and Chronos, standing before a giant machine. Before Piett or Herve can ask why this has happened with relative ease, they realize the grim reality: beside them sits the ravaged and burnt out console containing the electronic form of the late George Gaynes. He is dead again, it seems, the Executor II now under the control of Cosmos and Chronos: masters of space and time.]
Herve: Repsectively. [disgusted] Oh, you know what, I'm just not saying that anymore.
Cosmos and Chronos: YOU!!!!
Piett and Herve: US!!!!!
Chronos: Wells, defend us!
[Pause]
Chronos: Wells?!? WELLS!!!!
HG Wells: We...we landed in the crew pit, master! Man-Mammoth landed right on top of me!
Man-Mammoth: Stop fidgeting like that, it tickles!
Chronos: Damnation, must I do everything mys--
[But the Webmaster conjures a series of HTML code and flings them at the masters of space and time. The symbols magically explode and send the cosmic beings flying. Piett and Herve focus on the large device which seem to be the source of Cosmos and Chronos' recent attention.]
Piett: What the hell is that?!
Webmaster: Scans indicate....it's a cryogenic chamber....good grief....there's someone in there!!
Piett: But who--?
Cosmos: ENOUGH! Now you DIE!!!
Piett: Cosmos?!?
Herve: Piett, LOOK OUT!!!
[As Cosmos leaps forward, Herve himself leaps into his path. In a stunning display of acrobatics, though, Cosmos manages to stop himself and land on his feet, grab Herve mid-air, and bites down on his neck.]
Herve: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
Piett: Herve, NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
[As Cosmos, his face distorted by some dark evil, bites Herve's neck (oh, the irony), streams of energy begin to spew from Herve's wound and into Cosmo's physical form. He is literally sucking the life energies out of Piett's miniscule, and loyal, friend. A distraught Piett tries to help, but Jim Ferr and Webmaster hold him back for his own safety. Around both men, swirling bands of energy begin to form. Cosmos, who at first was thirsting and desirious of consuming the energies, is slowly becoming frightened, and begins to panic.....yet still cannot let go. Herve, the life draining from his eyes, looks back to Piett.....and smiles, one last time.]
BADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!
[A forceful explosion rocks the entire bridge. When the smoke clears, Herve is gone, completely and utterly, and Cosmos is at the feet of his friend Chronos, his face and body burnt to a crisp.]
Piett: Oh....Oh GOD NO!
Cosmos: Toomuch!!! NAGHHH, how....how could he contain so much powerrr!!
Chronos: Rest, my friend. Your sloth and avarice have overwhelmed you.
Cosmos: Morrree, Chronos....Imusthavvv.....moore.....MOORRE!!!
[Chronos rests his hand on his friend's chest, and with his other hand grabs a giant wire connector.]
Chronos: No, my friend. You've had....more than your share. Now I take mine.
[Without comment, Chronos thrusts the connector into Cosmos' heart. The cryogenic machine activates and blasts at full power, as Cosmos screams an unholy shriek of hellish death. The figure inside the chamber stirs, while Chronos looks down on his friend and his smoldering body. In a flash, Cosmos' body lies dead and lifeless, burned to a crisp right down the bone. Chronos tosses the connector away and lets the skeltal remains fall to the floor.]
Chronos: Oh Cosmos, my oldest friend........you simply never had it in you to be truly evil. Only this shoddily constructed and uneven impersonation of evil.
[Chronos steps on Cosmos' charred skull and shatters it. As Piett and the others recover on the other side of the bridge, the cryogenic chamber slowly opens and an icy cloud bellows out. Chronos' eyes turn from lifeless disdain to hope-filled delight, as he walks toward the doors and extends his hand. Another hand.....a feminine hand....extends from within the frozen device, and exits much to everyone's shock.]
Chronos: And now, those who are about to die.....welcome the new master...or rather, MISTRESS, of space.
Piett: What the...
Webmaster: Egads....
Jim Ferr: .........LUCY?!?
*to be continued!*
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Armageddon Spectacular: Intermission
I have travelled the lanes of the information superhighway for some time. Months, years....the concept of time has left me, so I cannot say how long this journey has taken...
But along the way, it ceased to be a mere pathway of digital information and became.....something more.
Soon I was traversing whole universes, both real and unreal.
All for a girl.
She died, some time ago. I was heart broken, my soul crushed and my spirit seems to abandon me.
But in my travels, I found a place where I.....believed I had found a way to revive her. Its people were strange and secluded. But their seclusion had made them....more powerful than the normal mortal man.
At first I thought I'd found some nirvana outside the influence of space and time, where no one or thing aged. But soon I discovered the true source of their immortal nature...
A book of wishes.
What luck! An actual tool, capable of fulfilling my most desired of dreams. To hold her in my arms again...
But it was not to be. It was a falsehood....both the book, and my love. Though my affection was strong, it was not enough to evoke the powers of the book. I was robbed of her yet again.
The high priests of the people, though sympathetic to me, said the powers within the book were latent, and could only be used at a moment of complete desperation. Like them, who used the powers amidst the horrors of an ancient war to save themselves and thus live forever, only a moment of complete desperation would allow the powers be unleashed and for my one true wish to come true.
They said because of my own abilities, I had encapsulated this power, even without possession of the book, but I knew not how or even when to truly use it.
So I abandoned them, their nirvana no longer desireous to me, and seek out that fleeting moment of desperation in order to have my one true wish come true.
But I fear that moment will be my death. What a horrid joke: to be robbed of my own life and revive her own, only to lose her yet again. Yet again...
I almost expect it to be true...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[In an unknown place, devoid of much life and even appearing just askew from the normal color spectrum one would imagine is eternal to most living humanoids, several figures sit at a small quaint home. 2 of them sit in chairs on the front patio, sipping tea, while a third stomps around the front yard in a frustrated nature. One of the 2 seated itches himself, until he stops and tries to calm himself.]
HG Wells: As God as my witness, this latex suit is incredibly uncomfortable. And why does it have to be see-through??
Bromancer: They told you not to scratch at it. You'll just infect yourself and make things worse.
Man-Mammoth: Better to be inside out than as a bloody mutated mammoth!
Bromancer: And you calm yourself as well, my friend. Your frustrated nature is not doing your spirits any good.
Man-Mammoth: That loosey-goosey talk may work on other people, you ponce, but not on me!
HG Wells [to himself]: A giant mammoth man calling someone a ponce. Wonders *will* never cease... [sips his tea]
Bromancer: If it wasn't for you and your human parachute pal talking it up earlier, I'd naturally assume you were just foul-spirited around all living things.
Man-Mammoth: He's a kindred spirit. We're both of mutantkind and have a lot in common. [scratches the back of his head] It's refreshing, all things considered.
Bromancer: Now who sounds all loosey goosey?
Man-Mammoth: You try being forcibly mutated against your will and keep a pleasant attitude.
Bromancer: I was, in a manner of speaking. [sips his tea] I wasn't always like this.
Man-Mammoth: You mean gay?
Bromancer: Yes. I used to be quite straight.
HG Wells [not buying it]: Really.
Bromancer: It was when my rather wonderful life came to a screeching halt, around the age of 16, when I was abducted by a group of devilish witches. They seduced me into their coven and then performed dark arcane magicks on me. The only reason I didn't fight back was because I thought it would lead to hot sex.
Man-Mammoth: Sex. Great, there's something else I miss. [grumbles and stomps around some more]
HG Wells: So no hot wiccan sex with the presumably busty nubile ladies, then?
Bromancer: No.....it was sex with men! They gathered a bunch of their captives together and had us screw to the death to determine which of our supple manly forms would be the vessel of their powers. When I finally came out on top [HG Wells doubles over], they then abandoned their mortal forms and transcended to wherever wiccans go when they die, and in a fabulous display all their magicks passed on to me. Now I walk the world forcing men with my dark magicks to unnaturally fall in love and have sex with each other. [sips his tea] It's a lot more complex and meaningful than that, but I find that's the funniest way to describe myself. You should see the looks I get.
HG Wells: Because you look like a ponce.
Man-Mammoth [some distance away, still stomping]: Thank you!
Bromancer: I look stunning, damn you. And trust me, you're not one to talk at all, Mr. Inside Out Man.
HG Wells: One of these days I'll get an explanation for this from the masters. But until then, I serve their dark purpose.
Bromancer: To sit on this stoop and sip tea, because that's all you've done while we others have gone out to recruit new members of the masters' enclave of villainy.
[A familiar breeze washes over the threesome and they stop and turn, and suddenly the portal of the Super Collider erupts before them. Several characters emerge as one in particular presses forward and, as his fist bumps the Man-Mammoth, addresses HG Wells directly.]
Human Parachute: What ho, friendly foes! I have acquired more comrades to aid us in the masters' master plan.
[Several characters - some bizarre in appearance, others quite normal indeed - walk past, as Wells and the Man-Mammoth direct them into .]
Nancy the Hot Witch: Well hello there.
Bromancer: Keep walking, witch, I have issues with your kind.
Nancy the Hot Witch: Oh, you mean busty nubile ladies?
[HG Wells shoots Man-Mammoth a shocked look at their shared dialogue. But because Wells' inside out face looks really really sick when he makes that look, Man-Mammoth gags and has to excuse himself so as not to vomit everywhere. The Bromancer sighs as the witch smirks and walks away to join the others.]
Human Parachute: I also found this one here amidst my travels.
[2 of his associates - the Warlock Hemlock and Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist - carry a nearly unconscious man forward, and they place him on the ground. HG Wells walks to him and is overwhelmed by his identity, then checks on his vitals.]
Warlock Hemlock: We checked that already.
Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist: Yes.........he has wrists and a neck.
[Almost everyone facepalms in response to the doctor's very lame line, and Warlock Hemlock leads him away as he tries to pass off his stupidity as a mere joke.]
Bromancer: I take it you know him.
HG Wells: Yes. [the man comes to and Wells tries to revive him further] Webmaster? Is that you??
Webmaster: N.....my.....what? Where am.....
[Suddenly he projectile vomits right into HG Wells' face.]
Bromancer: Oh geez, he's horribly ill. Quick, let's...
HG Wells [eyes closed, somewhat angered]: Wait for it.
Webmaster: Wells?!? What the fuck happened to your face?!?!?!
Bromancer: Oh. It's because of the inside out thing. Gotcha.
Man-Mammoth: You're a bright one, you are.
Bromancer: Skewer me, sunshine.
Man-Mammoth: You know I have these tusks, right?
Bromancer: You heard me.
[Man-Mammoth, skeeved out, walks away and resumes cvonversing with the Human Parachute, as Wells wipes his face and the Webaster comes to his feet.]
Webmaster: Wow, I am SO sorry about that, Wells.
HG Wells: Quite alright, you certainly aren't the first and won't be the last. Although I think a chunk may've gotten into my.....never mind. So, how is it our paths cross again?
Webmaster: An aimless journey, my friend. It started with the quest for a miracle....and now has led me here.
HG Wells: I see. Well, you're amongst compatriots now. And what luck, in the middle of a recruitment drive.
Webmaster: Oh no, not...
HG Wells: No, no...it's not them. But it's someone...or rather, someones...similar...
[HG Wells places his arm on the Webmaster's shoulder and, with the Bromancer, leads the newest arrival into the small quaint home. There, in the living room area, the others are entranced by 2 beings on a vast video monitor.]
HG Wells: Our other friends here are being reconditioned and programmed, but you already know the deal. You know of the plight of....Cosmos and Chronos! Masters of Space and Time!
Bromancer: Respectively.
HG Wells: Stop. DOING. THAT.
Webmaster: Their plight?
HG Wells: Indeed. Allow the veils of untruth be moved aside and the true nature of their purpose be revealed to youre mind...
[Pause]
Webmaster: Wait, you said I didn't need to be conditioned or programmed.
HG Wells: I lied. [pause] Because I'm evil now. And soon.....so will you....
Oh, what luck. My quest for that fleeting moment...has led me here.
I think it's slowly coming upon me now...
Soon, my love........soon......
Bromancer: Really? I make a coming on reference and almost get lambasted for it, but he gets nothing?!
Man-Mammoth: If I could fit through this door, I would just smash you!
HG Wells: God, I really hope I don't live through whatever this ends up being. Please?
But along the way, it ceased to be a mere pathway of digital information and became.....something more.
Soon I was traversing whole universes, both real and unreal.
All for a girl.
She died, some time ago. I was heart broken, my soul crushed and my spirit seems to abandon me.
But in my travels, I found a place where I.....believed I had found a way to revive her. Its people were strange and secluded. But their seclusion had made them....more powerful than the normal mortal man.
At first I thought I'd found some nirvana outside the influence of space and time, where no one or thing aged. But soon I discovered the true source of their immortal nature...
A book of wishes.
What luck! An actual tool, capable of fulfilling my most desired of dreams. To hold her in my arms again...
But it was not to be. It was a falsehood....both the book, and my love. Though my affection was strong, it was not enough to evoke the powers of the book. I was robbed of her yet again.
The high priests of the people, though sympathetic to me, said the powers within the book were latent, and could only be used at a moment of complete desperation. Like them, who used the powers amidst the horrors of an ancient war to save themselves and thus live forever, only a moment of complete desperation would allow the powers be unleashed and for my one true wish to come true.
They said because of my own abilities, I had encapsulated this power, even without possession of the book, but I knew not how or even when to truly use it.
So I abandoned them, their nirvana no longer desireous to me, and seek out that fleeting moment of desperation in order to have my one true wish come true.
But I fear that moment will be my death. What a horrid joke: to be robbed of my own life and revive her own, only to lose her yet again. Yet again...
I almost expect it to be true...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[In an unknown place, devoid of much life and even appearing just askew from the normal color spectrum one would imagine is eternal to most living humanoids, several figures sit at a small quaint home. 2 of them sit in chairs on the front patio, sipping tea, while a third stomps around the front yard in a frustrated nature. One of the 2 seated itches himself, until he stops and tries to calm himself.]
HG Wells: As God as my witness, this latex suit is incredibly uncomfortable. And why does it have to be see-through??
Bromancer: They told you not to scratch at it. You'll just infect yourself and make things worse.
Man-Mammoth: Better to be inside out than as a bloody mutated mammoth!
Bromancer: And you calm yourself as well, my friend. Your frustrated nature is not doing your spirits any good.
Man-Mammoth: That loosey-goosey talk may work on other people, you ponce, but not on me!
HG Wells [to himself]: A giant mammoth man calling someone a ponce. Wonders *will* never cease... [sips his tea]
Bromancer: If it wasn't for you and your human parachute pal talking it up earlier, I'd naturally assume you were just foul-spirited around all living things.
Man-Mammoth: He's a kindred spirit. We're both of mutantkind and have a lot in common. [scratches the back of his head] It's refreshing, all things considered.
Bromancer: Now who sounds all loosey goosey?
Man-Mammoth: You try being forcibly mutated against your will and keep a pleasant attitude.
Bromancer: I was, in a manner of speaking. [sips his tea] I wasn't always like this.
Man-Mammoth: You mean gay?
Bromancer: Yes. I used to be quite straight.
HG Wells [not buying it]: Really.
Bromancer: It was when my rather wonderful life came to a screeching halt, around the age of 16, when I was abducted by a group of devilish witches. They seduced me into their coven and then performed dark arcane magicks on me. The only reason I didn't fight back was because I thought it would lead to hot sex.
Man-Mammoth: Sex. Great, there's something else I miss. [grumbles and stomps around some more]
HG Wells: So no hot wiccan sex with the presumably busty nubile ladies, then?
Bromancer: No.....it was sex with men! They gathered a bunch of their captives together and had us screw to the death to determine which of our supple manly forms would be the vessel of their powers. When I finally came out on top [HG Wells doubles over], they then abandoned their mortal forms and transcended to wherever wiccans go when they die, and in a fabulous display all their magicks passed on to me. Now I walk the world forcing men with my dark magicks to unnaturally fall in love and have sex with each other. [sips his tea] It's a lot more complex and meaningful than that, but I find that's the funniest way to describe myself. You should see the looks I get.
HG Wells: Because you look like a ponce.
Man-Mammoth [some distance away, still stomping]: Thank you!
Bromancer: I look stunning, damn you. And trust me, you're not one to talk at all, Mr. Inside Out Man.
HG Wells: One of these days I'll get an explanation for this from the masters. But until then, I serve their dark purpose.
Bromancer: To sit on this stoop and sip tea, because that's all you've done while we others have gone out to recruit new members of the masters' enclave of villainy.
[A familiar breeze washes over the threesome and they stop and turn, and suddenly the portal of the Super Collider erupts before them. Several characters emerge as one in particular presses forward and, as his fist bumps the Man-Mammoth, addresses HG Wells directly.]
Human Parachute: What ho, friendly foes! I have acquired more comrades to aid us in the masters' master plan.
[Several characters - some bizarre in appearance, others quite normal indeed - walk past, as Wells and the Man-Mammoth direct them into .]
Nancy the Hot Witch: Well hello there.
Bromancer: Keep walking, witch, I have issues with your kind.
Nancy the Hot Witch: Oh, you mean busty nubile ladies?
[HG Wells shoots Man-Mammoth a shocked look at their shared dialogue. But because Wells' inside out face looks really really sick when he makes that look, Man-Mammoth gags and has to excuse himself so as not to vomit everywhere. The Bromancer sighs as the witch smirks and walks away to join the others.]
Human Parachute: I also found this one here amidst my travels.
[2 of his associates - the Warlock Hemlock and Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist - carry a nearly unconscious man forward, and they place him on the ground. HG Wells walks to him and is overwhelmed by his identity, then checks on his vitals.]
Warlock Hemlock: We checked that already.
Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist: Yes.........he has wrists and a neck.
[Almost everyone facepalms in response to the doctor's very lame line, and Warlock Hemlock leads him away as he tries to pass off his stupidity as a mere joke.]
Bromancer: I take it you know him.
HG Wells: Yes. [the man comes to and Wells tries to revive him further] Webmaster? Is that you??
Webmaster: N.....my.....what? Where am.....
[Suddenly he projectile vomits right into HG Wells' face.]
Bromancer: Oh geez, he's horribly ill. Quick, let's...
HG Wells [eyes closed, somewhat angered]: Wait for it.
Webmaster: Wells?!? What the fuck happened to your face?!?!?!
Bromancer: Oh. It's because of the inside out thing. Gotcha.
Man-Mammoth: You're a bright one, you are.
Bromancer: Skewer me, sunshine.
Man-Mammoth: You know I have these tusks, right?
Bromancer: You heard me.
[Man-Mammoth, skeeved out, walks away and resumes cvonversing with the Human Parachute, as Wells wipes his face and the Webaster comes to his feet.]
Webmaster: Wow, I am SO sorry about that, Wells.
HG Wells: Quite alright, you certainly aren't the first and won't be the last. Although I think a chunk may've gotten into my.....never mind. So, how is it our paths cross again?
Webmaster: An aimless journey, my friend. It started with the quest for a miracle....and now has led me here.
HG Wells: I see. Well, you're amongst compatriots now. And what luck, in the middle of a recruitment drive.
Webmaster: Oh no, not...
HG Wells: No, no...it's not them. But it's someone...or rather, someones...similar...
[HG Wells places his arm on the Webmaster's shoulder and, with the Bromancer, leads the newest arrival into the small quaint home. There, in the living room area, the others are entranced by 2 beings on a vast video monitor.]
HG Wells: Our other friends here are being reconditioned and programmed, but you already know the deal. You know of the plight of....Cosmos and Chronos! Masters of Space and Time!
Bromancer: Respectively.
HG Wells: Stop. DOING. THAT.
Webmaster: Their plight?
HG Wells: Indeed. Allow the veils of untruth be moved aside and the true nature of their purpose be revealed to youre mind...
[Pause]
Webmaster: Wait, you said I didn't need to be conditioned or programmed.
HG Wells: I lied. [pause] Because I'm evil now. And soon.....so will you....
Oh, what luck. My quest for that fleeting moment...has led me here.
I think it's slowly coming upon me now...
Soon, my love........soon......
Bromancer: Really? I make a coming on reference and almost get lambasted for it, but he gets nothing?!
Man-Mammoth: If I could fit through this door, I would just smash you!
HG Wells: God, I really hope I don't live through whatever this ends up being. Please?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
