SPHCACTTTSTCOAOTHAB Part 4: That Old Cutaway Gag. Yeah, thanks for that, FAMILY GUY.

Piett: Uh oh. I think that was the wrong door.

Herve: And right into another cold open..

Piett: Wow. Going to the uncreative well so quickly for that old gag again?

Chronos: Gag? Who's gagging?

Herve: Oh. You're here.

Piett: So things must be ok then.

Cosmos: I guess? I don't really know what happened back there.

Herve: Back where? In the room with the TV monitors?

Cosmos [grabs Piett's arm]: They weren't vampires, were they?!

Herve, Piett and Chronos: NO!!!

Cosmos: Thank Christ.

Chronos: No. We saw you get distorted and zapped away someplace, and then you showed up here.

Piett: And where is here?

Cosmos: The hell if I know.

Herve: You're a piss bucket of confidence, aren't you?

Piett: Aren't you SUPPOSED to know these kinds of things? Where we are, where everything is...

Cosmos: You're right. But I don't. Ergo, I am concernedacus.

Herve: Concordently?

Cosmos: What?

Herve: Oh. I picked that word up along with "ergo" in the freaky TV room.

Piett: So....are we back in the pyramid?

Chronos: No. This is....someplace else.

Herve: Well, all wise ones, how do we (a) determine where we are, and (b) figure out how to get back to where we need to be?!

Cosmos: I don't--

 

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[Piett and Herve are on a battle field. Around them, sheep are firing weapons and charging into battle. Tanks manned with goat lob cannonfire back at them. In the air above, battalions of sheep and goat bombers dogfight above them. A sheep with a gas mask hurls a mustard gas cannister into an oncoming patrol of badgers and moles.]

Piett: This is all just very silly.

Herve: These sheep are fighting for their independence. You will respect them and their revolutionary plight, God dammit.

Piett: I don't respect the death camps.

Herve: As long as the checks clear, just gloss over that part when we tell others where we've been, okay?

 

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Cosmos: What the hell was that?!?

Herve: Holy.....were we just back in the Sheep Wars again, Piett?!

Piett: We were. [looks around] But we weren't. Where--

 

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Peter Griffin: It's like that time I was a member of the French Legion and had to sexually molest RuPaul.

 

[Pause]

 

Herve: Ok then.

Peter: What?

Herve: Do it.

Peter: Who...

Herve: Sexually molest RuPaul. Go ahead.

Peter: Uh...
Piett: DO IT.

 

[Long pause. Then, a cutaway to Peter Griffin, in a French Legionnaire uniform, doing unspeakably awful things to RuPaul.]

 

Peter [crying]: I hope you're happy, you crossdressing fiend! [loudly sobs] I - hope - you're - happy!!

 

[Back at the Griffin household, Peter comes out of his trance and looks around him in sudden horror.]

 

Peter: Oh my God!!!

 

[Peter and finds his family dead all around him. Lois is hanging from the ceiling by her own intestines. Several hundred of Chris's pounds have been gutted out of his stomach and are strewn across the room. Stewie's decapitated head is halfway shoved down a dead Brian's throat. And only Meg remains alive.]

 

Peter: Meg?! Did you--?!

Meg Griffin: No. The officer guy and the tuxedoed midget killed them. Then they gave me the knife. [raises it] For a reason.

 

[She aims it at Peter and runs, screaming madly.]

 

Peter: AAAUUUUGGAAHHHHHHRRRHHGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

 

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Herve: What was-- 

Chronos: Oh no. I know what's happening. It's Family Guyitis.

Cosmos: Oh Jesus no.

Piett: What??

Chronos: It happens every once in the greatest of whiles, though I thought we, and thus you, were immune to its effects. But clearly the Space Mayans [to self] or Space Nazis [back to the group] have somehow managed to make the problem worse.

Herve: Could someone explain this to me immediately?!

Chronos: It's a very rare cosmic glitch....a hiccup if you will....that causes someone's reality to cut away from itself and manifest the afflicted momentarily in another reality, then immediately return back to normal reality.

Cosmos: Like those annoying cutaway gags on FAMILY GUY.

Chronos: Yes. In fact, the cosmic hiccups started around the time that show came on the air. Weirdly coincidental, ain't it?

Piett: Fuck me, not a FAMILY GUY occurrence. Do we really need that?!

Herve: Hang on. This might not be such a bad thing.

Piett: What--

Herve: Hey Piett, how about that time you and I fought in the Sheep Wars?

 

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[Piett and Herve are on a battle field. Around them, sheep are firing weapons and charging into battle. Tanks manned with goat lob cannonfire back at them. In the air above, battalions of sheep and goat bombers dogfight above them. A sheep with a gas mask hurls a mustard gas cannister into an oncoming patrol of badgers and moles.]

 

Piett: This is all just very silly.

Herve: These sheep are fighting for their independence. You will respect them and their revolutionary plight, God dammit.

Piett: I don't respect the death camps.

Herve: As long as the checks clear, just gloss over that part when we tell others where we've been, okay?

 

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Herve: See?

Cosmos: Hey, that was just.....SHIT!

Chronos: Yeah, that's it, Herve. Like how they do it on the show. If we just--

Piett: Ooh, Herve, how about that time we traveled to Russia to ask the Fiddler on the Roof guy how he could stop time around him and monologue to the audience in peace?

 

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[Piett and Herve find themselves in the film FIDDLER ON THE ROOF, at the wedding of Tzeitel and Motel. Lots of Russian Jews are dancing around and doing very Jewishy things.]

 

Herve: Whoa. [pause] If I didn't know they weren't all Jewish, I'd consider this the most racist thing I've ever seen.

Piett: I saw a Japanese stage rendition of 'If I Were a Rich Man' just before we left.

Herve: Once again you must top me, bastard.

 

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Chronos: Guys, if we just--

Piett: Holy shit, Herve, now I'm hooked.

Herve: Hey, remember that time we watched 1776 and--

 

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[In their rec room, Piett and Herve are watching 1776, the musical film.]

 

Guy who plays Edward Rutledge: .....SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAVES!!!!!!!!!

Herve: If they didn't actually do this, I'll kill America.

[Without warning Piett transports them to just outside the Continental Congress chambers in Philadelphia, PA. Herve sneaks into the closed chambers. Moments later, he bursts out and just runs.]

Herve: I LOVE AMERICAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

 

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Herve: I can't believe they actually sang.

Cosmos: You mean you visited....wait, the musical set or the real Continental Congress?

Chronos: Am I really the only one upset that we're not escaping he--

Herve: The real Congress.

Cosmos: I have less respect for America now. 

Piett: Or how about that time we visited the Batman TV show universe...?

 

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[The Joker, Riddler and Penguin unmask a captive Bruce Wayne.]

 

Joker: Hahaha....there we are. Heh heh heh heh....

Riddler: You think you're....pretty clever, don't you, Mr. Wayne.

Bruce Wayne: Clever enough to outwit you, you stupid thug.

Riddler: Well, we'll see about tha--

Herve: Hold on a minute. Wayne, say that again.

Bruce Wayne: Um.....

Joker: No, go ahead, that's ok.

Bruce Wayne: I wasn't wondering your permission, I just....[pause] Alright. "Clever enough to outwit you, you stupid thug."

Herve: Again.

Bruce Wayne: Really?

Herve: Say it!

Bruce Wayne: "Clever enough to outwit you, you stupid thug."

 

[Pause]

 

Penguin: Did he say "stupid fuck"?

Joker: Sounded like it.

Riddler: The hell did you get that from?! He clearly said "thug"!

Penguin: You're just ticked he didn't call us stupid fucks.

Herve: No, guys. GUYS. [long pause] Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Riddler: What?!?

Herve: That voice. He doesn't even try to hide it. Wait, hang on. Bruce, do that Uma Thurman dance.

Penguin: Who?

Herve: The Batusi. Do the Batusi

Joker: You do a Batman dance?

Bruce Wayne: I'm not Batm--

Herve: DANCE!

 

[Bruce Wayne sighs, then starts doing the Batusi. The Joker and Penguin stand in disgust, as the Riddler's jaw drops. He points and yells.]

  

Riddler: THAT'S HIM!!!!

Penguin [to Herve]: Who are you anyway?

Joker: I was wondering when we'd get around to this.

Riddler: Why are you 2 going on about who the troll is! BRUCE WAYNE IS BATMAN!!!!

Herve: Me? I am.....the Diddler!

 

[Pause]

 

Joker: I'm a murderous psycho clown who paints over his moustache, and even I understand how wrong that is, sir.

Penguin: Plus we already have a Riddler, why another guy with a similar name?

Joker: I'll explain to you later why you should be making a bigger deal about what his name implies that he does. For shame, Diddler, for shame.

 

[Suddenly Piett bursts in. As Riddler harps on and skips around about how the greatest riddle of his life has just been answered, Bruce Wayne takes the chance to just walk out and leave.]

 

Piett: What the hell is this getup, Herve?!

Herve: I'm The Diddler in this story, dammit!

Joker: That is WRONG, man!

Piett: I'm a Buckingham Palace beefeater! With bad teeth!

Herve: It's the '60s, man. Everything's supposed to be stereotypically lame until Vietnam fucks the generation up. And it's not Piett here, it's "The Ponce."

Piett: "The Ponce?" I'm not even British anymore!

 

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Cosmos: Heh. "The Ponce."

Piett: Shut up.

Herve: Or like that time we met all your old Imperial friends and went on that grand adventure back to the Star Wars universe.

 

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[He stops typing.]

 

Sean Walsh: Jesus, I'm still working on that one! Calm down!

 

[He resumes.]

 

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Piett: Or that time we watched The Happiest Millionaire.

Chronos: Ok now, ENOUGH!!

 

[Long pause, everyone assuming he's going to go batshit crazy about being stuck in a cutaway gag story]

 

Chronos: Can we address the fact that you've admitted to watching numerous musicals films, and yet WE'RE the gay ones?!

Piett: There's nothing wrong with musicals. Hell, Disney does animated ones all the time and no one complains about gayness with them.

Herve: Hey, remember the time we fought Walt Disney in that alternate reality?

 

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THIS TEXT HAS BEEN REMOVED AT THE REQUEST/BRUTAL SAVAGE BEATING THREAT OF THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY.

 

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Herve: Wow, I don't remember it going down that way.

Piett: Clearly Disney got to Walsh.

Chronos: Or he doesn't remember how it went down and/or can't copy and paste a piece of that story. [pause] What? It's entirely possible that's the answer.

Cosmos: Remember that time Chronos was an evil mastermind, killed many of our friends and allies and tried to destroy the multiverse?

 

[Pause]

 

Chronos: Please don't go there. That was a fairly well done arc, but rather unpleasant. I prefer being silly and not all serious whatsoever.

Cosmos: Ok, then, remember the time we went to Aquestria?

 

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Chronos: THIS DID NOT HAPPEN! WE'RE NOT HERE! NO LITTLE PONIES! NONE AT ALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111

 

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[Pause]

 

Piett: Was he molested by a little pony?

Cosmos: Yes. [pause] It was Applejack. [pause] All things considered, it could've been worse.

 

[Pause. Everyone looks to Herve, for some reason.]

 

Herve: I h ave no response to this. Not a shred of witty repartee at all. [pause] Let's do another Batman cutaway so we can move away from the horse rape awkwardness.

 

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[In the Batcave, Batman and Robin have been overwhelmed by a gaggle of Bat-criminals. Killer Moth: the Batman of evil, if evil was a retarded donkey or something.....Crazy Quilt: the multi-colored menace of Gotham, and Joel Schumacher's wet dream come true.....Kite-Man: a schmuck with a giant kite whose name is Charles Brown.....seriously, this happened.....and the Outsider: the reanimated and mutated corpse of Bruce Wayne's loyal butler, Alfred Pennyworth.....seriously, that happened too.....and the Grasshopper Gang, disembarking from a criminally-subverted Batmobile..........I know I make crazy foolishness up, mostly lousy, but again.....THAT. HAPPENED. TOO.]

 

[Oh, and in this scenario Batman is Piett and Robin is Herve. Duh.]

 

Herve: Holy ratfucking cocknose, Batman!

Piett: You've been doing that old Robin catchphrase schtick the entire adventure, old chum, and it's getting more and more disturbing.

Herve: That's a good thing. It means my material is fresh.

 

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Piett: We lived, obviously. 

Chronos: Not much to that one, was there?

Herve: All in the set-up. That's FAMILY GUY for ya.

Piett: Although now as I recall, that one featured horse rape too.

Herve: Kite-Man was not happy.

Piett: And died horribly. Hey, at least you lived, Chronos.

Chronos: Yeah, well, I feel....better now?
Cosmos: Lords above and below.......this is worse than the time we encountered those Brazilian tour groups at Walt Disney World.


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[Main Street USA. It is the first destination that welcomes eager happy children and Alzheimer's-ridden old people to the wonders of the Magic Kingdom for the first time. But on this day, as is the case with most others in these trying and pathetic times, the park is overridden with Brazilian tour groups. Clothed in annoyingly bright T-shirts with equally annoying flags indicating which tour group is which, they flock together and create an unsightly havoc on the otherwise normal (and mostly white) denizens of the park - both tourist and workers alike. And their behavior is just as shameful. They stand in unorganized masses before food and souvenir vendors and hold out cash with no regard for rhyme or reason. They stand in the roads disrupting other foot traffic so they can take group pictures with each other. They crowd around park workers and deny small Disney princess-clothed children access to these happy (thought not as colorful as the Brazilians) characters. They overpopulate ride lines and generate even greater crowds than theirs because, while they enjoy flocking and moving around the park in a herd, they refuse to ride the rides as a group but as individuals. And not a shred of English is spoken or comprehended by any of them.]


[On this particular day, though, a Brazilian drug dealer tour group is in the park. This is quickly evident when one of them shivs a 60-year old man in the stomach 8 times and steals his wallet. Sirens immediately wail, and the tour group scatters. From around a corner, though, comes not a police force, but the Seven Dwarfs and the cast of The Incredibles on giant gift box floats. The Dwarfs immediately disembark and circle the crime scene. Doc, carrying a bag of medical instruments, kneels beside the fallen and critically wounded man and tends to him, while the other 6 dwarves begin dancing and waving their arms around to deny onlookers a clear view to the bloody situation.]


Chronos: Hey, look. Frozone is on the last gift box float. All by himself. How racist.
Cosmos: Actually, what's racist is the continued existance of Brazilian tour groups.

Herve: No. What's racist is that you 2 are focusing on racial elements of ongoing events instead of noting the hilarious extents Disney goes to in order to distract people from a medical emergency in the park.


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Herve: The gags are starting to fall apart. Just like FAMILY GUY.

Chronos: Or that time Barbara Bush tried to take over the multiverse by transferring her consciousness into mine?

 

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[The mansion of the Space/Time Continuum. In the aftermath of a tremendous battle for the fate of the multiverse, a barely conscious Barbara Bush is being wheeled away by the Space Police. Chronos walks up to her.]

 

Chronos: Oh by the way. You have AIDS. Have fun with that.

 

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Herve: Ok, really, the comedic structure of these things is getting terrible now. Can we please do the Happiest Millionaire gag before this story collapses on the weight of its own stupidity?!

 

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[Piett, Herve, Cosmos and Chronos are watching The Happiest Millionaire in the rec room.]

 

Herve: The Irish guy. Who sings about drinking all the time. [pause, turns to where the camera would be if this was a movie] Really, Disney? We know they're drunks, stop emphasizing it like this. [to Cosmos and Chronos] So why exactly do these musical films have such time travel capabilities?

Piett: Yeah. Hans Zarkov can talk to the audience in Fiddler on the Roof. John and Abigail Adams can have their conversations across the country in 1776, and the dancing Irish drunk can talk to the camera the whole time in this one?

Herve: Ah, Fred MacMurray too. He catches him that one time! Doesn't see where the camera would be if he knew it was a movie!

Cosmos: Honestly? We license that shit out all the time.

Herve: You license....wait, really??

Cosmos: Of course. How else do we afford this mansion and all these amenities. Hollywood's been very good to us.
Piett: So you sell short term abilities to defy and manipulate space and time?? You couldn't have ever told us this before?!

Cosmos: Hey, at least we're not giving actors full fledged powers.

Herve: I'd almost accept that more happily.

 

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Cosmos: I can't believe we watched, and somehow forgot watching, The Happiest Millionaire? That's so sad...

Piett: Hang on, several of these last few gags have tied together.  That's....not very FAMILY GUY-ish at all.

Herve: Ooh, is Batman appearing here soon?! Or maybe even Batgirl?!

Piett: No. I'm taking about the musical gags. We're creating a continuity with them.

Herve: Oh. Creating continuity.... [pause] By Jove! Could the secret of escaping this glitchy reality be to make our own cutaway gag ourselves that get us out of all this?!?

Chronos: WHAT WAS THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE EARLIER?!?

 

[Pause]

 

Chronos: THAT *WAS* THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE EARLIER!!!

Herve: Was it really? You didn't even get a word in.

Chronos: ARGHHH!!!!

Cosmos: Oh. So...........hey, remember that time we escaped all this madness and were back in the Space Time Continuum and aboard the old timey hot air balloon with no sign of the Space Mayans or their pyramid with the McDonaldy madness and any of the cosmic madness that ensued?

Herve: No, no. It couldn't be that eas--

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Herve: --y, could it?

 

[Herve stops and looks around. And indeed, the quantum quartet are back on the old timey hot air balloon. The Space Mayan pyramid is gone, and all is well with the multiverse once more.]

 

Piett, Herve, Cosmos and Chronos: HEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Cosmos: But WAIT! How do we know THIS isn't a cutaway gag, and we don't go right back to the glitched reality?!

Chronos: It might be. But I think I have that solution. Remember that time Seth MacFarlane DIDN'T miss his flight out of Boston on September 11th, 2001?

 

[Pause. All remains the same.]

 

Piett, Herve, Cosmos and Chronos: HEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! 

Piett: Wait......not right, dude, not right.

Cosmos: Should we wonder why killing Seth MacFarlane on 9/11 somehow stopped a cosmic disturbance from ever happening again?

Herve: No. I think we should just be glad this latest calamity of ours has been solved and we're apparently coasting for an ending to this god damned tale of bizarro.

 

 

*to be concluded*

 

 

Herve: See!!