[I'm giving you a cold open. To a multipart story, no less. Yeah, I can do that. Let the scenery and situations be revealed and explained by the characters.]
Piett: Well, this has just been a colossal waste of time.
Cosmos: What do you mean? We just negotiated peace in the Middle East.
Piett: The Middle East of the Space/Time Continuum. And now we're flying home in.....THIS?!
Cosmos: It was a gift.
Piett: No culture I'm aware of has ever considered an old timey hot air balloon a gift.
Chronos: An old timey hot air balloon with a giant craft attached to it, mind you, not a little basket.
[Pause]
Herve: We know where we are, Chronos.
Chronos: I know, I'm just providing some exposition. [pause] I think we got a cold open. It's chilly in here.
Piett: You're not wearing pants.
Chronos [pauses]: This shouldn't shock you.
Herve: I'd say "put that thing away!" but.....well, heh.....
Chronos: Asshole.
Piett: Didn't we see a movie about people in an old timey balloon?
Herve: No. We did not.
Piett: I really thought we d--
Herve: Nope. We didn't. No.
Cosmos: I would imagine this means you have.
Herve: Thank you, Vice-Admiral Obvious. And to clarify, there were actually 2 movies about people in balloons.
Piett: Oh, so the other one--
Herve: Doesn't exist. We didn't see it. No. Nonononofuckno.
Piett: Alright then.
Herve: Anyway, this old timey hot air balloon isn't a gift, it's probably a trap. You know those Middle Eastern folks, they're always attaching bombs to stuff and wanting to blow up white people.
Piett, Cosmos and Chronos: OOHHHHHH!!!!
Herve: Well they do. Those Reptilians do NOT like us.
Piett: It was you they didn't like. If you called them "the Chitauri" like they kept asking, they probably wouldn't think you, and thus "all you other skins," were so awful for repeatedly using what they consider a very offensive name.
Cosmos: Hang on. I'm looking at the story title....
Herve [whispers to Piett]: He can do that?
Piett [whispers back]: Makes sense that he can.
Cosmos: ....and it says there are 5 guys here.
Herve: Oh shit, did a fucking reptilian get in?!
Piett: Dude!
Cosmos: I also think Walsh may've had a stroke coming up with that acronym.
Chronos: Um, guys?
[All look as Chronos points at a being sitting in a corner of the ship. He is smoking a pipe and muttering pearls of wisdom to himself.]
Cosmos: Is.....is that Mark Twain???
Herve: NGAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Piett: This was one of those movies, wasn't it?
Chronos: That's......that's a Claymation version of Mark Twain.
Cosmos: What is this?
Piett: You've never seen it?
Herve: Obviously not. Should we?
Piett: Do we have to...?
Herve: No, we don't. But they do.
Piett: Oh goodie.
***90 minutes later***
Cosmos: That was just awful.
Chronos: I've seen that before. It did not age well.
Cosmos: I have no frame of context to judge how it aged, but I can assure you that it probably sucked back then too.
Chronos: But there was that one segment that was super creepy.
Cosmos: If I was drunk I might be able to be coerced into agreeing with you. But it'd have to be really drunk. On Guinness Dark Ale.
Chronos: Oh lord no. I wouldn't do that to you.
Piett: This is very wordy for them.
Herve: Yeah. That movie may've made them cooler.
Piett: Doubtful.
[Suddenly, Cosmos and Chronos grab the Claymated Mark Twain and toss him over the side.]
Piett: What was that!?!
Chronos: We don't need this baggage, and not just because the movie is awful.
Piett: Did you at least throw him into a comet?
Cosmos: Hillary's Comet?
Piett: No. Just a comet.
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