Piett: Are.....are you trying to do the Gangnam Style dance?
Herve: I cannot do it. I know it's one hop, one hop, two hops, and alternating between "horse riding" and "looking at your watch doing the Arsenio Hall fist pump" but.....well, short legs don't help me be cool here. Wanna try?
Piett: I cannot admit to knowing how to do that dance. [shifts awkwardly in place] Besides, I gotta go.
Herve: Where to?
Piett: Eh, lost a bet and gotta fill in for someone in another fictional universe.
Herve: Replacement refs again?
Piett: Seriously, they're hiring bankers and middle school janitors to referee pro football games. Is this shit still going on? Where does the madness stop?!
Herve: Figuring *that* out is what we do for a living, man. And thus the employment is neverending. [pause] Plus I thought that replacement ref thing was only like a 3 week ordeal, didn't think it was still going on...
Piett: Anyway, I'll gone for a bit.
Herve: Wait, but what if they're an adventure while you're gone?
Piett: Been hella slow of late, I doubt anything will come up in the.........what, 10 seconds I'm actually gone?
Herve: Because we can travel in and thus slightly manipulate our passage thru time.
Piett: Yes, Captain Obvious, because we can travel in and thus slightly manipulate our passage thru time.
Herve: Ok. So what if it happens 5 seconds after you leave?!
[Piett goes to answer, but then sighs and just portals away.]
Herve: Balls. Well, let's see if these 10 sec--
[Suddenly Cadmus, the aide to Cosmos and Chronos who doesn't appear in these stories as much as you might think he would since he lives in the mansion too, darts in and activates a portal.]
Cadmus: Oh my goodness there's an adventure and Piett's away and this is my time to finallydosomethingcomeonlet'sGOOOOOO!!!!
Herve: NggaAAAHHHHH!!!!
[Cadmus tackles Herve directly into the portal.]
WHEN SUDDENLY, IN NORTH KOREA!!
[A portal opens in a darkened alleyway in Pyongyang, North Korea. Herve and Cadmus land on the ground. However, while Herve is used to this kind of emergence from the continuum, Cadmus is obviously not, as he breaks his ankle upon hitting the pavement.]
Cadmus: AW FUCK!!!!!
Herve: Holy crap, did that just happen?!
Cadmus: I'm crippled! So much for me!
Herve: You ass! I was doing the Gangnam Style dance in a comfortable rumpus room, and now I'm in a dank dirty alley in....[smells]....North Korea?! Shitfuck!
Cadmus: I think I just pooed myself too!
Herve: Arghh!!!
Cadmus: Kidding. But yeah, ankle is definitely broken. [grabs his ankle, which is about the size of a tennis ball now] I'm in a very limited capacity now. But I think we can hide here and use this as a homebase.
Herve: Homebase?! Amongst the trash and damp poorly-made pavement?!
Cadmus: But I came prepared.
[Cadmus takes off his backpack, and from it emerges an incredible array of futuristic technology. Suddenly a small yet extensive network of holographic computers and viewscreens surround Cadmus, and he's become a human computer.]
Herve: Crapola. This is an improvement. [looks at his foot] Um, is that right?
[Cadmus' ankle has suddenly enlarged to the size of a basketball.]
Cadmus: I have some ointment, I'll be fine.
Herve: Ointment. Right. Wow.
Cadmus: Now let me bring up the mission details.
[Holographic images revolve all around both of them. Images of nefarious ne'er-do-wells and location maps illuminate the alley.]
Herve: Hrm. This all seems much too formal and awesome to be one of our adventures.
Cadmus: This is Rodrigo Altavista. He and his internet business cohorts - Linus Commodore LXIV, Shaniqua HotBot, Jeeves Aask, Armando Geocities and Fabian Tripod-Lycos - have created an evil internet conglomerate here in North Korea, hidden from the prying eyes of the rest of the world, and are launching systematic attacks on the world of online social media. Yesterday, they sent out a party invitation on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, MySpace, Bing, LinkedIn, Yelp and countless other sites, and about 1200 people showed up, only to realize they were driving into a canyon in Arizona. They are all dead. Hours later, they posted ain a viral video on YouTube and Google and Tout and Yelp, which upon viewing vacated the minds of the viewers, controlled them to spread the video amongst other sites and then leaves them a mindless husk when the task is complete. A total of 650 people were found catatonic and brain dead. And then there are the increased of lethal Facebook pokes--
Herve: Shit, never mind. I take it back. This is totally at our low level of adventurous dung.
Cadmus: Well.....good?
Herve: I guess. And why the fuck does Yelp keep coming up??
Cadmus: I was under the impression this is one of those social media sites everyone uses.
Herve: It's a fucking retailer/restaurant review site I've, like, only seen on Google Maps when I'm looking for a good comic book store.
Cadmus: Perhaps it's the key to this whole mystery?
Herve: I doubt it'd be as straightforward as that.
[Writer's note: it is, in fact, as straightforward as that.]
Cadmus: Did you hear something?
Herve: Narration from Walsh. [shakes Cadmus' hand] Count your blessings that you're apparently immune from all that.
Cadmus: Well, you won't have to search long for their headquarters. It's over there.
[Cadmus, whose leg is now ballooned to the size of an industrial air conditioner, points to a concrete complex across the end of the alley.]
Herve: I don't know if that building has any significance in North Korea. Is this, like, their Jefferson Monument? Or Food and Drug Administration Building?
[Cadmus and Herve share a good laugh at the idea of North Korea giving a shit enough about its people to even bother having a food and drug administration.]
Cadmus: Does it really matter?
Herve: No. Well, I'm off. Have that foot/leg looked at.
Cadmus: The ointment will do just fine, sir! Walgreens never fails me!
[Herve runs across the street, ducking, diving and rolling with unnecessary abandon. He arrives at the front door and judo kicks it down. A signal goes off, and several security . Inspired by Liam Neeson and TAKEN, TAKEN 2: TAKENER and TAKEN 3: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK, Herve proceeds to fucking murder ever last motherfucker he goddamn sees. Everyone featured for the next 95 minutes dies horribly, because that's how TAKEN fucking goes. Finally, he arrives at the doors to the penthouse on the top floor, and sends a defeated security guard careening through it to his death. He strides in confidently, as the hapless foes of this tale recoil in horror at the ferocity of their reveal.]
Linus Commodore LXIV: Dear lord, no!
Fabian Tripod-Lycos: Guards! Guards!!
Shaniqua HotBot: They're dead! All dead!
Jeeves Aask: We're doomed!
Armando Geocities: He told us this one would kill us horribly!
Herve: I'm just now understanding the lameocity of your names. So your deaths shall be.......[cracks knuckles].......deservingly horrifying.
[What transpires over the next several minutes is the complete assassination of 5 fictional characters.]
[Yeah. It's not pretty. So let's cut away for a few moments and expand on that thing from the last story where Piett and Herve could've been the reason Edgar Allan Poe died.]
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[October 3, 1849. The streets of Baltimore, Maryland, USA, Earth. 2 men are standing over a 3rd who is kinda lying in the gutter.]
Piett: Dude, we gave him alcohol, cholera, rabies, syphilis, influenza, hypoglycemia, diabetes, a brain tumor, enzyme deficiency, a dose of laudanum, and even meningeal inflammation, if it's even possible to get that in a syringe, and the motherfucker is still not dead yet!!
Herve: Why are we even doing this?! What's he done other than be creepily awesome with his sinister short stories?! [looks around] And do we even know what the context of his death is gonna be for history's sake?
Piett: Screw that, we'll just go find the medical records and documents regarding his death and make their disappear, so that no one ever knows and it's a bizarre mystery. Now what else can we do?!
Herve: I don't know! What else do we have?!
Piett: We have a bus.
Herve: How did we end up with a bus in 1849?!
Piett: Can we hit him with a bus?
Herve: Wikipedia doesn't say that was a possible cause of death.
Piett: Oh.
[They sit down on the curb. Suddenly their eyes widen and they stand up and yell in unison.]
Piett and Herve: Then edit Wikipedia so that it says it's a cause of his death!!!
Joseph W. Walker: Who's there? What's going on? Is that Edgar Allan Poe delirious in the street? Holy shit am I totally gonna find this out and become famous for about 4 minutes for it?!
Piett: Oh shit! Run!!
[A portal opens and zips them away.]
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Jeeves Aask: Please, God, not my facEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
[Ok, we just returned to a man having his face pulled right off of him. Let's take another time out and do another cutaway thing. Um........Piett and Herve meet Al Gore?]
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Al Gore: Please, God, not my facEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
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[Holy shit, did we just go from a man having his face pulled right off of him to a cutaway featuring ANOTHER man having his face pulled right off him?! Forget it, back to the main story.]
Herve: Well, that was productive. I always like to think I help clean the gene pool when I murder--
[Suddenly an unforeseen individual grabs Herve from behind and throws his face first through the window, and several floors to the pavement below. Several people in the street stop and look. If they had cellphones or modern photography in North Korea, they'd be snapping cell phone pics of the scene. Or calling their friends to leave their hovels and also come look and gawk at the hideous death that has just occurred in the center of Pyongyang. But then, there is a collective gasp in those gathered, as Herve gets up from the createrous hole in the ground and dust himself off.
Herve: TAKEN, motherfuc--
[The butt of a gun cracks him in the face and he falls to the ground. The North Korean soldier holding it summons his 200 other comrades over to surround the fallen quantum agent. From the front door of the headquarters, Rodrigo Altavista saunters out laughing and applauding.]
North Korean soldier 1: Is he applauding us and also laughing at us? We only did what he said to do.
North Korean soldier 2: By whatever being in our beloved central government that created all life that is known, don't speak!
Rodrigo Altavista: Haha, Mr. Villechaize! You had a good run annihilating my organization, but your time is up, my friend!
[Pause]
Rodrigo Altavista: Oh yes. He's unconscious. Someone.....someone pick him up and revive him.
[The 2 North Korean soldiers lift him up with considerable ease and to his feet. Suddenly, Herve jams his fist and arm down the mouth of one and tears apart the neck of the other. They fall dead, and prepares to fight the other 198. But then suddenly, a mist forms between Rodrigo Altavista and Herve. A most.....familiar one, that looks unlike cloudy smoke and more like 0's and 1's and hashtags and brackets.]
Herve: Oh what the--?!
Webmaster: Huzzah!!
Herve: Webmaster?!
Webmaster: Herve, my chum! Goodness, I cannot believe what's happened here! Let me help you, I'll try and get you free from all this!
Herve: That routine didn't work for Count Dooku in Episode 2, and it's not wor--
[The Webmaster violently kicks Herve in the face as if it were Lucy Van Pelt and he was Charlie Brown taking his aggression out on that blue-dressed football-teasing harlot.]
Webmaster: NEVER QUOTE A PREQUEL AROUND ME! [slaps Herve for good measure] ESPECIALLY Attack of the Clones!
Herve: Aw fuck, man. Was that necessary?!
Webmaster: Sorry. [pause] Wait, not sorry. I'm evil now, so I'm not apologizing.
Herve: So this whole mad insane plot was yours?
Webmaster: It's an internet scheme! I'm named the Webmaster! HOW COULD IT NOT HAVE BEEN ME?!?!
Herve: Um, easily? Everybody's on the internet these days. Coulda been anyone. But seriously, you're evil now? [pause] Again? Dude, you were my City of Heroes partner!
Webmaster: City of Heroes is DEAD and now so is my foolish dalliance with the heroic world of heroes! DEAD!!! And soon, dear Villechaize, you'll be dead too!
Herve: DEAD! [snorts] Sorry, got carried away. Wait, this is rather out of nowhere. I feel like Walsh came up with this series of events without any sort of continuity.
Webmaster: Perhaps you'd be convinced when you learn my real name....Gepetto Yelp!
Herve: Gepetto.....Yelp......holy shit it did kinda end up being as straightforward as he said it would. Stupid, but straightforward. And all these guys with the website and computer-related last names?
Webmaster: I'm using the insidious power and reach of social media to destroy the world! They cannot know that someone of modern relevance is behind this! That is why I employed the aid of these former online moguls [stands amongst their dead bodies pointing at them coldly] to serve as my cover!
Herve: You forgot about Rodrigo Altavista.
Webmaster: Oh him. Yeah, he......he just ran away. Supporting character logic indicates at least one of them had to live for another day.
Herve: So you're saying, because you're not the supporting character who ran away, that you're gonna die before this story is through.
Webmaster: No. I.....I didn't say that.
Herve: Totally did, dude. You're dead. DEAD!
Webmaster: Stop yelling that back at me, I'll be fine!!
Herve: DEAD, man, DEAD!!
Webmaster: Just shut up and let me explain my nefarious plan!
North Korea soldier 1: Is this going anywhere? [pause] And aren't we dead?
North Korean soldier 2: No. We're 2 other soldiers. There are a lot of us, and we're not important enough to be named.
[The Webmaster blasts the 2 soldiers with a ray of green energy, and the men howl as they are converted into HTML, CSS, JavaScript and binary code and evaporate in the air.]
Webmaster: I'm not paying you people to talk! [pause] Then again, I'm evil and so I don't really have to pay you anything. Sorry! [pause] Dammit, I'm evil and don't have to apologize for anything ever!
Herve: Yeah, this is gonna go easily.
Webmaster: What?!
Herve: I said, alright then, fine. Explain your mad scheme and then let me get back to killing all of you.
Webmaster: Well.....I know I shouldn't stereotypically explain my plot to my adversary, who could rather easily gain the upper hand again and undo my mad scheme... [pause] ...but I need to buck the trend here and prove that I'm not going to die here. So behold my newest creation!
[He presses a button on his handheld device, and the headquarters behind them begins to collapse and break apart, as from beneath it a giant turbine device emerges.]
Webmaster: Behold.........the Search Engineator!
Herve: Watching Phineas and Ferb these days?
Webmaster: Dude, even though it's basically the same exact plot over and over again, I find it intoxicatingly cute and enjoyable. [pause] BUT NEVER MIND THAT!!! This is the Search Enginea......no, just the Search Engine! With its immense power, it will seek out and destroy every vital piece of information in the world!
[Pause]
Herve: That's it?
Webmaster: Of course it is. Pretty nefarious, right?
Herve: A lotta hoop-la for something that a simple computer virus coulda done.
Webmaster: I'm evil. We're over the top like that sometimes.
Herve: Well, I've distracted you enough. Now the end has come.
Webmaster: Dammit, I knew it! [pause] Wait. No. No, it hasn't. I won't allow it [pause] Ok, now I'm curious how exactly will this happen...
[Herve just points. And across the street, a behemoth object bursts forth from an alley. It is Cadmus - whose ENTIRE BODY is now the size of a Cobra Terrordrome (if you don't get that reference, then shame on you), who lets out an inhuman scream. His globose humanoid mass is contorted and seems to have fused with the futuristic technology he was using earlier, and his body is now consuming the buildings and military equipment and even people all around him. The Webmaster shrieks like a girl and flees, as his North Korean military cohorts attempt to combat but are ultimately consumed by Cadmus' bulbous mass. The Webmaster runs to his Search Engine stops being a cowardly villain type, turns and lets out a rapid array of green energy rays. But Cadmus is utterly unfazed, and within moments he consumes Webmaster in his many large heavy flabs in Cadmus' body. As the Search Engine is torn asunder and its shattered remains engrossed, and struggles in futile effort to prevent them from crushing him.]
Webmaster: No!!! Cannot.......die......recurring.....suppor.....char.....EEEAAAAAAARRRBBBLLLLLLH!!!!!!1111111010001010101
[The Webmaster - real name Gepetto Yelp, apparently, and former supporting character of both good and evil in these particular tales - is painfully crushed to death, and his body explodes in a sickening burst of blood and bones and brain matter.]
Herve: Gross!
Cadmus: HELP! This has turned into a very bizarre and hideous Akira reference!! And I'm pretty sure that's a Japanese thing, not a Korean thing!!! Do something!!!
[Herve, realizing that if nothing is done he too shall die, clears his throat and straightens himself up.]
Herve: Ok then. Only one thing left to do. God help us, I hope I get this right.
[He clears throat. Repeatedly. As if he's stalling. Or anxious. Dammit, just get on with it, man.]
Herve: Oppa Gangnam Style.
[Suddenly he starts horse riding in place, and a group of Korean dancers and everyone else left around him joins in.]
Cadmus: .......how is this helping?!?
Herve: It's distracting people from your horror!
Cadmus: But I'm destroying North Korea!!
Herve: And I'm certain South Korea appreciates it!
[Suddenly a series of military forces begin crossing the Demilitrarized Zone, as more North Koreans begin joining in on the infectious silly internet memedance. One in particular, surrounded by very important looking military types, thrust pumps by. He high fives Herve (or rather, low fives - because Herve is short) and horse trots on.]
Cadmus: Hey, was that Psy?! Nice cameo.
Herve: No, he'd cost too much. That was....[looks back at him]....huh.
===========
[Some time later in the Space/Time Continuum.........or maybe like 5 seconds later. Time travel: it's a mindfuck.]
Cadmus: So North Korea gave up when Kim Jong Un started Gangnam Styling?
Herve [perturbed]: Yeah.
Cadmus: The power of Gangnam Style actually toppled the Communist regime, thusly eliminating the military support for the Webmaster's social media threat, as well as calmed everyone after the whole chaos of North Korea being destroyed by a rampaging me thing?
Herve [perturbed]: Yup.
Cadmus: And there's now peace on the Korean peninsula. [pause] Because of us.
Herve [perturbed]: Uh-huh.
Cadmus: Alright, what is so perturbing you??
Herve: Most of you is gone, dude.
Cadmus: Well, that's what happens when you become the big giant mass of whatever from the end of Akira. Apparently the ointment just made things worse. Good call. Anyway, thankfully Cosmos and Chronos saved my brain.
Herve: But it's your head. [pause] And part of your neck. [pause] Fully animated as if you were just a guy with his head in a jar. Sense, this makes not.
Cadmus: Actually, I'm a robot.
[Suddenly Cadmus - who has just been a head in a jar on a table next to Herve's lounger - rises, and a simple robotic body upon whose shoulders the head jar is mounted is revealed to Herve's considerable shock.]
Herve: BWAHRGH!!!!!! [falls off couch]
Herve: Why couldn't they have given you a more normal humanoid robot body? Like a Disney animatronic, or even that big thing Krang used in TMNT?
Chronos: [peaks into room] We.........we were just really incredibly lazy. [leaves]
Cadmus: Hey. I think it looks cool.
Herve: Hey. I know it looks dumb as fuck. Good luck dorking off with that.
Cadmus: I don't have a penis.
[Pause]
Cadmus [sobbing]: Fuck you, man.
Herve: Ha. [looks around] Wait a minute, shouldn't Piett be back by now? Where the hell *did* he go?
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[Meanwhile, in Danville, somewhere in the Tri-State area...Piett is chillaxing under a tree with a very angular child, who jumps up suddenly.]
Piett: Gahh!!
Phineas: Firmus, I know what we're gonna do today!
Piett: Kill Doofenschmirtz? No, wait, I killed him already. Never mind. Oh, how about......we cure cancer?
Phineas: What?
Piett: Cure cancer. Do it.
Phineas: Um.......I don't think we can do that in just one day. Or 104.
Piett: Oh. Ok. Then I don't give a shit.
Phineas: Al........right then. [awkward looks to change the subject] Hey, where's Perry?
Piett: I killed him. He's dead.
Phineas: You're really no fun, Firmus.
Piett: Hey, as long as Ferb is getting his teeth fixed because he's British, you're just gonna have to deal with me and like it.
*fin*
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