Quantum Piett vs. Jerry Springer (About 15 years too late, sure, but at least we got around to it....)

[The Stamford Media Center. Stamford, CT. Dozens of people pack a studio taping and cheer wildly as The Jerry Springer Show begins yet another taping of its 21st season. 2 individuals, though, are not horribly excited as they sit toward the back of the studio audience.]

Herve: Wait, Stamford? I thought you said we emerged in Chicago.
Piett: They moved the show to Stamford so they can tape this and a bunch of their other stuff in the same place. Saves money.
Herve: Shit, I wanted to go see the stuff Heath Ledger blew up in The Dark Knight, only to then go off and die in a NYC apartment.
Piett: That's sick, man. Come on. Honestly. Really, now........dude.

[Pause]

Herve: You're really offended by this.
Piett: No. I just couldn't think of anything witty enough to say about Heath Ledger overdosing. We didn't do this story soon enough to that "tragedy."
Herve: A lot about this story is gonna be very late to the game. We are at a Jerry Springer show after all. His schtick was outta style at least a decade ago.
Piett: And yet still he presses and depresses on.
Herve: So I take it the Springer Show doesn't rake in as much as he used to?
Piett: He's not the novelty act he used to be. So much shit on TV these days, he's nowadays just one of many, instead of a standout attraction that offends everyone.
Herve: Now everything on TV offends everyone. [pause] So maybe his ploy is to be unoffensive, so that THIS act stands out...
Piett: Just watch.

[As Springer comes out and the crowd cheers, the show begins. Piett sits back while Herve studies - with increasing distress - the actions going on around him. Some minutes later....]

Herve [aghast yet calm]: This is the same exact show he's always done.
Piett: Yup.
Herve: And it seems faker than ever.
Piett: Yup.
Herve: We could be at MAURY right now, dammit! He's apparently taping right next door or something!
Piett: Too many people in line for it. The unsavory kind.
Herve: Have you paid attention to our cast of characters these past several years? You'd think "unsavory" is something we're used to...
Piett: Oh, trust me, the MAURY audience is so much worse than our merry band of brothers.

[Fight bell rings]

Herve: What the hell was that?

[The people on stage start fighting.]

Herve: Oh my Christ, they have to be TOLD when to start fighting?! How dumb are these assholes?!
Piett: JERSEY SHORE is a respected television institution because of these assholes. They're not just dumb.....they're dangerous.
Herve: Wait, where's Steve - the bald security guy that broke up fights and everyone liked, including the people he muscled around on stage?
Piett: He has his own show now, also taping nearby.
Herve: And we're not there either?! Damn.
Piett: Actually, it's best we're not. It's very scary. He, like, confronts awful people directly and with a lot of talking.
Herve: And violence?
Piett: No. Just talking, with a strong sense of calm yet angered malice.
Herve: Awkward.
Piett: Very. That answer implies much creepiness.
Herve: If you can't just say violence, then yeah I agree. Is the fighting over?
Piett: I think so.

[Pause, as the taping goes to commercial break...........why would a taping have a commercial break? It's taped - they can just do a brief pause and then pretend to come back from commercial break.]

Herve: Is Walsh ranting in place of us now?
Piett: I don't blame him. This is all just so frustrating.
Herve: I'm gonna try something. [closes eyes]
Piett: Are you sleeping through SPRINGER? Wow, that's a damning statement.
Herve: No, I'm gonna try to zen ourselves to the end of this miserable endeavor.
Piett: What do you--

(!@#$%^&*)

Jerry Springer: And we're back, with questions from the audience. [to some random white guy in a business suit who is obviously either an actor playing a white businessman or some Stamford executive slumming at Springer on his lunch break]
Piett: What the shit did you just do?!
Herve: I just zenned our asses ahead a few segments to the end of the show.
Piett: But Walsh does that for us! We can just do this now?!

[No. I'm just bored with this already myself and let him do it.]

Herve: Snap.
Piett: Damn!

[As Piett rues the moment, Herve raises his hand.]

Jerry Springer: You, sir, have a question...?
Herve: Yeah, I have a question Jerry. What the fuck has happened to you?
Jerry Springer: Um, this isn't the kind of question and answer we--
Herve: No, no, you're gonna hear this. I mean.........come on, dude. You were mayor of a city once. And you host other decent and acceptable-to -society shows. You obviously have a good mind behind you, and seem to be a decent human being in real life. But what is this madness? This is dog shit.

[Piett sits back and pulls out a bag of popcorn]

Herve: This may have been entertaining once - though trust me, as I think back I strongly disagree that it was ever even slightly entertaining - but it's just truly awful now. And stale. And telegraphed so that even the braindead could follow it and the basic cadences without even having to try. And look at these people! They're obviously actors, or just so stupid that they don't realize the obvious reality that's glaring back at them the moment they get wind they're gonna be on this show. [to the stage] YOU'RE ON JERRY SPRINGER, PEOPLE! IF YOU DON'T KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG WHEN YOU'RE BOOKED OR ASKED TO BE A GUEST ON THIS SHOW, THEN CLEARLY YOU SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DO NORMAL THINGS IN SOCIETY! [to the audience] And really, is this the only show you people could get into? I'd take Maury and his foolishly-dramatic pregnancy episode drivel over this any day! Even Steve and his creepy
unfunny and unentertaining show is probably miles ahead of this nonsense!
Jerry Springer: Well, you're here now, sir. Can you explain why you're here when you knew what kind of madhouse you'd be entering?
Herve: Because obviously I thought, like some things, old TV shows aged gracefully. But sometimes, Jerry, they rot. Terribly. You have the stink of death on you, sir. Shuffle off this mortal coil accordingly.

[Suddenly, Piett hits Springer with a chair.]

Piett: There's MY final thought, Jerry!!
Herve: Way to kill my fairly intelligent rant with needless violence, man. [pause] Oh, who cares. [to Springer, laid out on the ground] DAMN, SON, and it ain't the folding kind he hit you with either, son!

[The audience and guests and security and stagehands quickly turn on Herve and Piett, but Herve just pulls out a death ray gun and zaps all of them dead. In moments, the quantum duo are all alone, with remnants of slight chaos and the ashen remains of much of the audience silently laying around them. Herve nods in approval.]

Herve: Didn't even need to do the neck-biting thing. More floss for tomorrow.
Piett: You'd have caught something from this crowd, I think.
Herve: This was fun. Much more fun than MAURY. [still holding the death ray gun]: I still have an itchy trigger finger. Should we--?
Piett: Nah. Maybe some other time.

[Herve and Piett whisk themselves away. Meanwhile, over on the set of MAURY, some.......familiar faces await a perilous verdict.]

Maury: Boss............you are NOT the father!

[The Boss jumps up and starts dancing and celebrating, as his sister Lucy Ferr runs off stage crying, with Maury in pseudo-concerned pursuit. In the audience, there is chaos and celebration as The Boss high fives random black people and shady white trash. 2 people sit in the back, politely clapping yet somewhat concerned.]

Cosmos: So it's Piett, right? He's the father.
Chronos: Obviously, yeah. Why wouldn't she even realize that?
Cosmos: This may pan out to mean something in future stories.
[Pause]
Cosmos: Or not.
Chronos: Yeah, I hope not. Kids suck, we don't need 'em in the supporting cast. Assholes.

*fin*

The Shadow Run of Scarlet and Black

[Piett walks by the entertainment room, when he hears......something odd on the TV. He stops and walks in on Herve watching..... something odd on the TV.]

Piett: What....what are you watching?

[He gets a closer look-see and...]

Piett: Oh no.
Herve: I'm watching SHADOW RUN, starring Michael Caine. And James Fox. And....
Piett: Please, just.....stop.
Herve: And Ken Colley!
Piett: Please.
Herve: Dude, it's your first scene in the movie and you're jacking to porn.
Piett: I am not! I'm--
Herve: You're what??
Piett: I'm.....just watching porn.
Herve: Aaaaaaaaahaha! You admited it!
Piett: Well, it's rather obvious the character is supposed to be watching it. No big secret with that audio.
Herve: Still, you confessed.
Piett: Guh, will you just get past this part and finish the movie?
Herve: Oh heck no. I already watched it. It's dreadful. A dreadful English movie with no closed captioning. Torture, I say. Isn't that right, Michael Caine?

[Herve looks to a man sitting in the lounger nearby. It is, indeed, Michael Caine.]

Michael Caine: Yes. That was a bad video distribution decision.
Piett: AHHH!!!
Michael Caine: Hello, Ken.
Piett: I don't go by that name anymore, Mike.
Michael Caine: Whatever, Ken. Anyway, the midget was belittling you.
Herve: Thank--hey!
Piett: Ha.
Herve: So that wasn't the worst of it, Piett. [pause] Can I call you Ken?
Piett: NO, NOW GET ON WITH IT!
Herve: Gah. So anyway, at one point I had to go check on something out of the room so I let it keep playing. I was gone for 10 minutes or so and when I got back the plot had not progressed at all. AT ALL. And at the end I was left trying to figure out what actually happened.
Piett: That sounds like a Netflix review.
Herve: Or a few put together, Ken. Because I go back in time and write them. [proudly, hands on his hips all hero-like] I can do that, you know.
Piett: Of course you can. [pause] Wait, so if you watched it, why were you back at this part?
Herve: I just went back to this part and waited until you came by.
Piett: Was it on pause.
Herve: No. I just kept looping it for a few minutes until you walked through, thus making it look like I was watching this part.
Piett: You.....you kept looping the part where I'm watching porn and, to over and over again.
Herve: I.....wait, what....no, you--
Piett: You were willingly watching that scenario, thinking I was jacking to porn.
Herve: No! I....you.....it....
Michael Caine: Yes. He was watching you possibly jack off.
Herve: He was not doing that!!!!
Piett: Gotcha.
Herve: You....bastard!
Michael Caine: Can I go now? This has just been a ridiculous affair. Much like SHADOW RUN, I'm afraid.
Piett: Sure. Thanks for the help, Mike.
Herve: Wait, wha? Did....did you manufacture this whole scheme??
Piett: It's like I time travelled loops around you and had him come here to back me up whilst making you think he was here to back you up. See? [proudly, hands on his hips all hero-like] I can do that too.
Herve: Fuck you.
Michael Caine: This makes no sense, and establishes a lot of nonsensical plot movements that cannot, even with the full power of science fiction storytelling behind it, be remotely possible. [pause] Makes more sense than THE SWARM, though.
Herve: You take that back. That was a fantastically ridiculous disaster movie.
Piett: Yeah. And leagues better than BEYOND THE POSIDEON ADVENTURE.
Michael Caine: Alright, I'll give you that one. Cheer, mates.

[Michael Caine waves as vanishes into the ether.]

Piett: How did he do that? Did he even have a time travel device? Did either of us give him one?
Herve: He's Michael Caine. Just stand in awe and wave back, Ken.
Piett: Never call me that again, midget.
Herve: Bastard. Just wave.

[And they do.]


*fin*





Herve: Hey, can we watch the movie where you dress up like a nun?
Piett: Almost forgot that movie was part of the title too, huh?
Herve: Yup. So can we?
Piett: It's a Nazi movie. I play a Nazi in it....
Herve: ...who momentarliy dresses as a nun to get to Gregory Peck....
Piett: Why are we still talking and not WATCHING THIS ALREADY!!!
Herve: Yay, Piett, yay!


*fin*

Herve's Shiny New Year

[New Year's Day in the Space/Time Continuum. Herve Villechaize, quantum agent and adventurer, finds himself standing in a dark chamber, with a single spotlight illuminating him from directly above. Suddenly before him, 2 hologrammed and almost inhuman faces appear from nowhere. Herve shrieks - it shall not be transcribed here because it's rather girly.]

Cosmos: Argh! Not so loud!
Herve: What are you doing?!
Chronos: Tone it down, we're hung over!
Herve: So am I! [pause] ARGH! [holds the sides of his head]
Cosmos: That's what you get.
Herve: Why the hologram schtick? You're normal people.....well, normal enough.....that I see all the time.
Cosmos: We're......really hung over.
Chronos: And we can't find our clothes.
Herve: ARGH! [holds the sides of his head]
Chronos: You're still hung over, dummy.
Herve: It wasn't because of THAT!!
Cosmos: Never mind this. We have a mission for you.
Herve: Wait, me? [looks around] Where's Piett?
Cosmos: He's still passed out. Or on his honeymoon again. Or someplace in the timeline that isn't here.
Chronos: That isn't important! What is important is this mission.........BEHOLD!

[Suddenly a TV screen appears over Herve's head. He bounces back as an image flickers into sight: RUDOLPH'S SHINY NEW YEAR.]

Herve: You want me....to watch TV? Well, shit, I coulda been doing that already. Although I did miss this on ABC Family this year.
Cosmos: NO! We don't want you to watch it.......we want you to destroy this!!
Herve: What?!
Chronos: Your mission, Herve, is to enter, destroy and kill everything associated with this stop motion animated classic!
Herve: You want me to kill Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Chronos: Yes! But mainly, we want you to kill Father Time and the Baby New Year!

[Long pause]

Herve: WHAT?!?!?!

Cosmos: Father Time is a lie! Baby New Year, a lie! The Archapelago of Last Years, a lie! The entire reality this TV special presents is a violation of the governance we maintain! It's an aberration of the Space/Time Continuum and a false representation of the passage of space and time, and it must come to an end!!
Chronos: Every time people watch this, it weakens our reality and the reality of all things. If enough people believe in it, the fabric of the universe unravels.
Herve: This seems like an impossibly huge development in our continuity, and also an implausible one that is being addressed in what seems to be a quickly written one-off story.
Cosmos: And it's why you must do this alone! No distractions, no witty banter that complicates matters. Go to the Archapelago of Times, destroy all that live there, and then finish the job at the Castle of Father Time and kill everyone and everything that tries to stop you!
Herve: Rudolph, Ben Franklin, that old knight and the caveman dude.....and even Santa?
Chronos: Santa's an asshole who doesn't give mostly latently gay people like us the gifts we want!!
Herve: Jesus, dude...
Cosmos: Ok, that's harsh even for this story.
Chronos: Well, I didn't get that Sega Genesis once!
Cosmos: Sega Genesis?! You're basing a hatred of Santa on a product of the '90s that has since been rendered outdated by far superior video game technologies?
Chronos: I really wanted it!!
Cosmos: You could've manifested one for yourself! You're like the supergod of time! We do that kind of shit all the time!
Chronos: THE POINT STILL REMAINS!!!
Cosmos: Wait, where did Herve go?
Chronos: Probably just left to go kill everyone. I mean, he *likes* doing that. Of the two of them, he's the much easier one to convince to kill others for little reason. Wasn't that why you picked him?
Cosmos: No.

[Pause]

Cosmos: Well, all things considered, this went well.
Chronos: Yeah.

[Pause]

Cosmos: We don't have a decent exit, do we?
Chronos: Nah. It usually pans over to them doing whatever it is we sent them off to

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

[Meanwhile, in--

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

Chronos: Do! Don't cut me off, you bastard!

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

--ok. Geez.

[Meanwhile, in the world of Rankin-Bass Productions outdatedness and yet also awesomeness, Herve - who sadly is not a stop motion character (we don't have the budget for that) - arrives on the first island of the Archipelago of Lost Years.: 1776.]

Herve: Huh. I thought there were years for the cavemen and Columbus before this one. [pause] Wait, those things suck when compared to the Revolutionary War. [another pause] Guh, Walsh is such a nerd. Let's do this.

[Herve walks through the streets of what is apparently colonial-era Philadelphia. He arrives at the Pennsylvania State House and stops at the front steps. He pulls a chainsaw out of his coat - how it got there only he knows, but it makes sense he'd always have one on him, now doesn't it? - and enters. Moments later, there is much screaming and sawing and tearing and then the windows go all red. Then silence. Herve exits soon after, covered in blood. He activates his transporter and leaps away, as stop motion crowds of bystanders and soldiers and crime scene investigators (or whatever their early American counterparts were called) flock the area.]

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

Cosmos: Did....did Herve just murder the stop motion version of America's Founding Fathers?
Chronos: He certainly just did.
Cosmos: That's dark.
Chronos: And pointless, I reckon. Man, Piett's really the brains of the outfit. I mean, I expected uber-violence, but this.....well, let's see how this affects things.

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

[Herve appears almost simultaneously at the Castle of Father Time, at the moment when Rudolph and his friends are delivering Baby New Year. But there is no happiness, no celebration and certainly no one present who can govern this reality's passage of time. Where the castle should be, there is a ravaged and abandoned construct. Herve peers forward, and sees several people within. Several exit - they are Arabs, cloaked in robes and branishing machine guns. But also crudely animated. Another exits behind them. It is a likewise badly animated Osama bin Laden. Herve nods, then disappears into the vapors of time and space, before the al Qaida types can react to him.]

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

Chronos and Cosmos: *mouths agape*
Cosmos: Fuck. Me.
Chronos: Did he just.......what.......how.....
Voice from behind them: It was simple, really.
Cosmos: Herve! What did you--
Herve: I stopped the problem.
Cosmos: You murdered the Continental Congress, and somehow......wait, what happened here?
Herve: I stopped the problem that afflicted you. America.

[Pause]

Herve: Really? [sighs] Look, without America there would be no stability in the world. Evil people would presumably wreak havoc and institutions & entities like Father Time and the Archipelago of Lost Years couldn't exist the way we'd think they would. I mean, Father Time lives in the desert......just like al Qaida. That can only end well for Osama and pals, without America swooping in and kicking terrorist ass. And, maybe more importantly to the task at hand, without America there would be no Rankin-Bass Productions. So really, no Rudolph saving the Baby New Year, no silly characters helping out and populating this fun happy little world......because there was never any fun happy little world. Without America.

Chronos: You're just....sadistic.
Herve: And effective.
Cosmos: And vicious.
Herve: And effective.
Chronos: And very propagandist.
Herve: Hey, I'm just full of surprises, ain't I?
Chronos: Well, I just take back most of the negative things I've ever said about you.
Cosmos: Yes. And this eclipses most everything else I've ever seen, and anything that could happen in the near future.

[Suddenly Piett runs in.]

Piett: Holy shit, guys, check it out! [reveals a fistfull of research papers and several vials of liquid] I just cured cancer!!!

[Pause]

Cosmos and Chronos: Eh.
Herve: WHAT?!?

[Piett swiftly turns to Herve.]

Piett: WHAT. DID. YOU. DO.
Herve [gulps]: I....I murdered America in order to kill Father Time and the bay New Year?

[Pause. Piett looks at all his work.]

Piett: They're right. Eh. [throws that science and smart shit away]
Herve: DARK.

*fin*

Top Gassing

A bonus (and non-Quantum Piett) story, original written & posted online years ago, and rewritten not too long ago...

+++++++

[Scene: The Death Star, in the tractor beam room. Two stormtroopers are stationed near the tractor beam, where Ben Kenobi is hiding.]

Stormtrooper 1: Do you know what's going on?
Stormtrooper 2: Maybe it's another drill.

[Ben moves around the tractor beam, watching the stormtroopers as they turn their backs to him and chat.]

Stormtrooper 1: Have you seen that new BT-16?
Stormtrooper 2: Yeah, some of the other guys were telling me about it. They say it's, it's quite a thing to...what was that?

[Ben gestures with his hand toward them as the troops think they hear something in the other hallway. With the help of the Force, Ben deftly slips past the troopers and into the main hallway.]

Stormtrooper 1: That's nothing. Top gassing. Don't worry about it.

[Long pause]

Stormtrooper 2: I...don't think that's top gassing.
Stormtrooper 1: What makes you think...oh Jesus Christ! That is NOT top gassing!
Stormtrooper 2: "Jesus Christ?"
Stormtrooper 1: Well, not the usual top gassing at least.

[Another long pause]

Stormtrooper 1: Oh God...that stench is unbearable.
Stormtrooper 2: What in the hell could ever make a horrific smell like that anyway? Stormtrooper 1: Ever been to Tatooine?
Stormtrooper 2: Nope.
Stormtrooper 1: Everything there smells like that.
Stormtrooper 2: Get out.
Stormtrooper 1: Seriously. So much worse than this odor. That back-asswards planet could kill any normal person just by the smell of it.
Stormtrooper 2: So how in the hell can anyone live there, much less visit?
Stormtrooper 1: It must be like some natural or...selective immunity.
Stormtrooper 2: Must be.
Stormtrooper 1: Plus these uniforms, for all their frailities, actually keeps the smell out really well.
Stormtrooper 2: Yet they're not laserproof. At all.
Stormtrooper 1: I know. Go fig.

[Yet another long freakin' pause.]

Stormtrooper 2: It's getting hard to breathe in here. I'm getting concerned for my health.
Stormtrooper 1: What *is* top gassing, anyway?
Stormtrooper 2: I dunno. You're the one who called it that.
Stormtrooper 1: I know, but that's just what I've heard it called.
Stormtrooper 2: You just repeating the same old drab lectures from Stormtrooper Academy, huh?
Stormtrooper 1: Yeah, guess so.
Stormtrooper 2: Typical stormtrooper attitude. We're all the same. Same exact outfits on each and every one of us. Same kind of lifeless responses to all sorts of questions. We're mere cogs in a giant machine. Hell, it's like we're all clones or something. Think about it.
Stormtrooper 1: Well you're no better.
Stormtrooper 2: Technically I am. I have plans to be bigger and better things.
Stormtrooper 1: Like...?
Stormtrooper 2: Technical officer. Maybe even a Star Destroyer controller.
Stormtrooper 1: Ooh, there's a step up in the gene pool. What's so different about that? You'd still be a face in the crowd, still be dressed like the next 20 people next to you.
Stormtrooper 2: Well at least my face would be showing.
Stormtrooper 1: I've seen it. It's nothing to be impressed about.
Stormtrooper 2: The hell, man!
Stormtrooper 1: I just can't see why it'd be that important to you.
Stormtrooper 2: It's an ego thing.
Stormtrooper 1: I can tell you one thing...*cough cough*...without a mask, that ego'd do no good from protecting you from these toxic fumes...
Stormtrooper 2: You do have a point there. [pause] Is this room changing color?
Stormtrooper 1: No. This is not good. We should report this.
Stormtrooper 2: Why? It's nothing that serious.
Stormtrooper 1: Well the chief did say to give a regular report.
Stormtrooper 2: And just what would we say? "Sir, it smells of ass down here. Request we abandon the station." Is that what you want to say?

[Pause]

Stormtrooper 1: Just imagine Tarkin's face if we did abandon the station because of one of the thousands of chambers smells like farts...

[Pause]

Stormtrooper 1: Y'know, that's almost worth getting Vader choked. I'm game.
Stormtrooper 2: There we go, man. Good for you. You've taken your first step into a larger world. Let's roll.

[The troopers abandon their post and run down a side corridor, activiating their comlinks on the way. Some distance down the main corridor, however, Ben Kenobi lies almost motionless on the ground, coughing and hacking for air.]

Ben: Damn Force...*hack hack*...I meant topgassing...not...*cough cough*...outgassing...! [falls down the shaft, dies, trilogy goes off track and ends with Jar-Jar winning or something]

*fin*

Quantum Piett Do Some Silly Shit

[The Space-Time Continuum. Piett and Herve are watching the new Muppets movie,. when suddenly....]

Piett: Holy shit, what are you doing?!
Herve: Holy crap, it's most certainly something silly and wacky yet I'll still defend myself as if it was normal!
Piett: Well stop doing that and converse with me about meaningless nonsense!
Herve: _____ is stupid and dumb, but not as stupid and dumb as ______!
Piett: I partially agree with you but disagree with you about other aspects of that statement!
Herve: I would engage in further discussion on this, but I believe we are about to be interuppted with the job!

[Cosmos and Chronos enter.]

Cosmos: We have stuff that needs to get done that could ruin other stuff we have going on in the multiverse!
Chronos: I'm going to joke about sensitive things and then feel bad about it inside!
Herve: You are terrible for saying those things although I would on the surface laugh and make light of it as well!
Cosmos: Go do things that may or may not mean anything in the greater meaning of the multiverse!
Chronos: I act straight but I think I'm gay!
Cosmos: I am gay!
Piett: We are leaving without much more comment!
Herve: I will tag along to allow witty banter in the adventures that follow!

[Cosmos and Chronos leave. Piett and Herve leave as well. Nearby, Cecil the doorman stands and mutters....]

Cecil: What the fuck is happening here?

*******

[On Planet _____, Piett and Herve walk down a long road. Since there is nothing to do but talk, they talk.]

Piett: I am saying things that make me seem like I'm in tune with current events and popular things, even though I'm not really.
Herve: Your words antagonize me enough to mock things like your appearance and marital status!
Piett: I am married but she never shows up anymore!
Herve: I question the timeline of this story as a result!

[As they continue walking, Cecil peers over a ridge of rocks with a pair of binoculars. He shakes his head in disgust and hands the binoculars over to his colleague, who is soon surprised by what he sees too.]

Cecil: You see? This is not right.
Supreme Pontiff Hook: Yeah, this is pretty bad. I'm glad you pulled me out of that Vatican 4 meeting for this.
Cecil: Are you being sarcastic?
Supreme Pontiff Hook: No. The religious shit gets really ludicrous when we start changing the rules of it all. Did you know they just wanna abortion "okay"? Like, really, that's what the pope said. "Okay."
Ben the Spider-Man [grabs binoculars]: They're just going through the caedences. Literally. It's the basic of motions and nothing more.
George Gaynes: Well I can barely tell a difference. They're just rambling per usual.
Cecil: Nonsense.
George Gaynes: Yes, rambling nonsense.
Cecil: No! I mean, for real this time! It's literal nonsense.
Supreme Pontiff Hook: God has finally given up on these two.
Ben the Spider-Man: And on Cosmos and Chronos too.
Supreme Pontiff Hook: Heathens. Hallowed be thy name, O Lord.
Ben the Spider-Man: You can't be serious.
George Gaynes: I liked him better when he was a supervillain with a religious motif, not an actual Vatican highfather. [thinks] No wait......I didn't like him then either.
Cecil: Focus on the problem at hands, you clods. These two are walking into something dangerous, I'm sure of it.
George Gaynes: Like what? Cancellation? [laughs, then suddenly becomes garbled by binary code and disappears]
Supreme Pontiff Hook: JESUS!!!
Cecil: No, just Walsh.

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

[He sits back from the keyboard and thinks a moment.]

Jesus Christ: Or is it?

[Pause]

Jesus Christ: No, it is. Yeah, you've definitely got malware or something in there.

Sean Walsh: Damn you, 14th security suite in a row that's failed me!

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

Ben the Spider-Man: Well, let's do s--

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

Jesus: Wait, am I a computer tech now?

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

--omething about this. Let's roll!

[Ben the Spider-Man leaps up and runs off to do something.]

Piett: Look, a fellow character who we have interacted with on occasion!
Herve: Your appearance is sudden and rather pointless!
Ben the Spider-Man: I....[long pause, during which he twitches fiercely, then...] I acknowledge your mockery, but shall join you in your journey to _____ nonetheless.

[In the distance, Cecil panics.]

Cecil: Fuckbags, Ben's been infected too!!
Supreme Pontiff Hook: O Lord, we beseech thee, show us the path to redemption and closure!

[Suddenly Supreme Pontiff Hook is absorbed by a bright light. He howls as a large hand extends for above and grabs him, but is soon no more.]

Cecil: Good grief, is this really.......is this really God's horrible revenge or something?!? [pause] Wait, was that hand made of felt?

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

Sean Walsh: Damn computer, what are you doing now?! AhhhhhHHHHH!!!!

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

[Cecil yells as&#%^&$%^&@#

THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.

Piett: Hold on a fucking minute. Was this abortion of a story just a cheap and lousy advertisement for that new fucking Muppet movie?
Herve: I think so.
Piett: Yeesh, talk about viral marketing....
Herve: Ba dum tss.
Cecil: What's a Muppet?
Herve: Exactly, pointless side character of little importance. Exactly.

[Suddenly a large figure bursts into the room. Piett and Herve scream, while Cecil jumps behind a couch, effectively ending his part in this story as it turns out.]

Cecil: Aw...
Herve: Who is--
The Watcher: There is an infinite number of variables in the multiverse where destiny has taken unexpected turns! Unike YOU, I must simply wait and observe the events as they occur! But COME! and I shall show you more...FOR I AM THE WATCHER!!!!

[Pause]

Piett: Yes?
Watcher: What? [pause] Oh, sorry. I thought I was walking into someone introducing me.
Herve: How? You just burst in unexpectedly.
Piett: No wait, can you come bursting back in and scream "NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"
Watcher: I will not.
Herve: Dude, your head is way too big for the rest of your body. How can you explain that?
Watcher: I live on the moon.
Herve: That's what you're going with.
Watcher: It is,
Cecil: He might actually have a point, given the gravity on the moon and the lack there--
Piett and Herve: Shut up and go away, Cecil!!!
Cecil: Aw... [leaves]
Watcher: Can I just go back to my original premise, please?
Herve: Yeah. We kinda wander with our rambling. Go ahead.
Watcher: Thanks. [postures dramatically again] Though I dare not interfere, I shall always WATCH! And SO SHALL YOU!

[Pause]

Herve: Are you a peeper?
Watcher: What?!
Herve: You watch people without them knowing it.
Watcher: Well, yes, but I would hardly compare it to being a--
Piett: PERVERT! PERVERT!

[Chronos runs in.]

Chronos: What? WHAT!!!

[Pause]

Chronos: Oh, hey Watcher.
Watcher: Hey, Earl.
Piett: Your name is Earl?!

[Watcher snickers.]

Chronos: Nah, it's just a running gag.
Herve: What....?
Piett: I don't...
Chronos: See? Not so funny when it happens to you, is it?
Piett: Shit, he got us there.
Chronos: This is The Watcher. From the Fantastic Four comics. He watches people. [creepily] When they sleep.
Watcher: Dude!
Chronos: Nah, he's legit. He chronicles stuff that happens. Multiversal crap, you know the gig.
Herve: Sadly.
Watcher: And I come here to show you the horrors of what you seem to underestimate today...
Herve: Peepers?
Chronos: My Name is Earl?
Piett: Mupp.....oh, I get it now. [groans] Uh, I mean....Muppets?
Watcher: Yes, The Muppets. [extends his hand] THE GREATEST HORROR THIS UNIVERSE HAS EVER KNOWN!!!!

[Pause]

Chronos: Not as dramatic when it's just one universe, when we monitor and govern zillions of them.
Watcher: Can you please let me get on with this?
Chronos: Fine. Come on, Cecil.
Cecil: But can't I at least--
Chronos: COME ON.

[Chronos and Cecil leave.]

Cecil: Wait, where did Ben the Spider-Man go? Does anyone even caoh who am I kidding of course no one does.
Watcher: I could never deal with all this distractions.
Herve: You get numb to it.
Piett: So the Muppets are awful?
Watcher: YES! They are immortal! Indestructible! And above all, unstoppable!! Nothing can stop The Muppets! And NOTHING ever will.
Piett: Somehow, I doubt that.

[The Watcher envelopes the quantum duo with a band of energy. They are shocked, and soon the mansion and continuum fade away around them.]

Watcher: Though I cannot prevent the events we are about to see, I can always WATCH! AND SO SHALL YOU!

*******

[November 10, 1938. Somewhere in Germany. The Nazi riots known as Kristallnacht are underway. Piett and Herve stand still and in silent horror as Germans and Nazis around them destroy and burn the homes and businesses of Jewish citizens, who are being forced out of their homes and expelled from German society. Their eyes are afixed on the atrocities around them.....or rather, at those who are committing the atrocities.]

Piett: Is that--
Herve: Oh lord, it--
Watcher: Behold, the rioters and true perpetrators of the Night of Broken Glass......MUPPETS!!!!

[Piett and Herve recoil in terror at this grim revelation, and also because they expect to be harmed.]

Watcher: You are invisible and transparent to these actions. You are here only to SEE. [looks aside] LOOK!

[Nearby, 2 felt-skinned Nazis throw bricks through storefronts, and others beat down Jews and drag them away. Piett and Herve, still frozen in place, hear a commotion beside them. A small child brawls with a Muppet monkey, until a Nazi officer - Johnny Fiama from Muppets Tonight - takes his gun and smashes the child in the forehead. As the child recovers, Fiama aims and shoots the Jewish child through the head.]

Piett: Oh fuck me sideways, I did not just see that!!
Herve: Why are we seeing this, Watcher?!
Watcher: Because you must KNOW! You must UNDERSTAND!
Piett: I see it, but I can't believe it. NOT THIS! There's no way Muppets had involvement the Nazis, NONE!!
Watcher: Then see this!

[Again, the trio vanish into thin air. They remanifest outside a German mansion, in the dead of winter 1942. The Watcher points to the building, and the 2 quantum adventurers walk carefully ahead, past several limousines and cars. Still invisible to the officers and house staff nearby, they enter the mansion. In a closed room, they hear voices. Piett opens the door, and stops dead in his tracks.]

Piett: Oh lord....OH JESUS CHRIST!!!!

[Herve cannot even muster a vocal response at what they see: the Wannsee Conference, helmed by Reinhard Heydrich......the meeting where Hitler's Final Solution was set into place. Many of these Nazi officials: Muppets. And in addition to the officials, 2 other disturbing figures send Piett into sheer madness.]

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: So gentlemen, these are the methods in which the Jews shall be gassed. It is effective, quick and - I'm sure you're relieved to know - cheap. We estimate we expect to be able to process 2,500...an hour. Not a day, an hour. At 24 hours a day, that is 60,000, which totals 21,900,000 Jews a year.Beaker: Meep meep meep meep meep.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Indeed, Beaker. If ever there were that many.
Piett: NonononononoNONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Piett grabs the sides of his heads and runs. Herve, still paralyzed by shock, turns to see him run away but cannot even bring himself to move any further. Piett leaves the house, still screaming, then stops in the driveway. As the Watcher looks on (but does not act, naturally) Piett grabs his belt buckle transporter.]

Piett: I WAS HAPPIER WITH THE ORIGINAL STORY FORMAT!!!

[He clicks it and vanishes back to the Space Time Continuum. Herve leaves the house and approaches the Watcher, obviously distraught and bothered.]

Watcher: Too much?
Herve: Yes....... [awkward pause] .......but I need to see more.
Watcher: O.....kay?

[They confusedly vanish into the ether again.]

*******

[Sometime later, back in the Space Time Continuum. Piett is sitting at the couch, with a pile of DVDs around him, featuring Nazis getting their commuppance. He is presently watching SCHINDLER'S LIST; but as his almost panicked control usage indicates......only the nice parts. Meanwhile, sitting in the trash are a full collection of Muppet DVDs.]

Piett: Ok....I'm feeling better about all this.
Cecil: Are you sure I can't take part in anymore--
Piett: Go the fuck away, Cecil! You remind me of those whose names I shall never speak again!!

[Suddenly a pulse of energy enters the room and Herve and the Watcher appear to Piett's side. Piett pauses the film and frantically gets up, while the Watcher helps Herve to a chair.]

Piett: What the...?! [grims] You didn't want to see more, did you?
Herve: Too much....too many.....
Watcher: He insisted. As we kept going, he demanded to see more. And more. [pause] He's not right in the head, is he?
Piett: Insufferably so, yes.
Herve: All those......horrors......all of it.....MUPPETS!!!

[He grabs Piett by the shoulders.]

Herve: Everyone evil in human history.....was a Muppet, Piett! Ivan the Terrible, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan. Eric Idle.....the Vikings, Stalin's inner circle, warlords of the Congo, the Jehovah's Witnesses......all of them! Muppets!!! Crazy Harry blew up the World Trade Center on behalf of the Bush Administration.....the Crusades were just a big fight between the Dark Crystal and Sesame Street......Sweetums shot JFK! And RFK! And MLK! With the same damn gun!!
Piett: That one makes sense, shockingly.
Herve: The Count secretly wrote TWILIGHT and paid a whore to take the credit for it!!! And the Inquisition.....the executioners and their mocking death calls....."wocka wocka wocka!!!" "Wocka wocka wocka!!!" WOCKA WOCKA WOCKAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Piett: Gods......who knew Fozzie could be *un*funny?
Herve: I feel like one of those old men. [pauses] If anything, they were the only ones who didn't do anything bad. Explains so much.
Watcher: Actually, no. They got Bored to Death cancelled off of HBO.
Herve [shakes his fists]: FUCKING FUCKERS!!!!
Watcher: Although in all my years, and in all my visions, I can safely say this with great confidence........the horror of the Muppets is no more.
Piett: R-really?
Watcher: It is contained to the confines of the past. The Muppets and their evil......shall never harm mankind again.
Herve: This seems like quite the sudden turnaround of events.
Watcher: Honestly? I'd like to just go home. This entire affair has been quite tiring. You people........you need help, man.
Herve: Wow, this is dark.
Piett: I almost prefer the Nazi Muppets.
Herve: Ok then. Bye, Watcher.
Watcher: Whatever. [leaves]
Piett: It can't end like this, can it?
Herve: Hey, not everyone has to like us.
Piett: No, I mean.......it can't end so candidly and serious like this, can it?
Herve: No.................no, it can't......

Epilogue:

[In a darkened and packed theatre, Piett, Herve and the Watcher view a very cool and artistic movie trailer, filled with vague things and flashy music. Finally, the title scrolls.....]

Fraggle Rock the Movie...
Watcher: What.........oh goodness, it doesn't get better!

[The Watcher makes a gun with his fingers and shoots himself through the head. Piett is sprayed with Watcher brain matter.]

Piett: MY POPCORN!

...directed by David Fincher. Rated R.

Piett: Well that's just his loss.
Herve: Yeah, that should be awesome.

Epilogue epilogue:

It was not awesome It ended David Fincher's career in 2017, and his suicide caused World War 3.

Watcher (with hole blown thru his head): VINDICATION!

Piett: Better.
Herve: Eh.

*fin*

A Date That Will Live in Infamy

[December 7th, 1941. The order is given. TORA! TORA! TORA!]

[10 minutes later, the Japanese invasion force lays strewn about the waters of Oahu Island. The American forces at Pearl Harbor cheer as the large aircraft ascends back into the skies over Hawaii and disappears into the clouds.]

****

[December 7th, 43 BC. In the yard of Roman Senator Marcus Tullius Cicero, the words are spoken. "There is nothing proper about what you are doing, soldier, but do try to kill me properly." Suddenly, a large arm extends and prepares to strike....and immediately falls limp. Howls of pain and blood smear the area. Cicero opens his eyes to find he is not dead as he'd thought only a moment before. His proported assassins lay, in pieces, around him. Behind him, a flash of light; as he turns, he sees nothing. Cicero's slaves attend to him, gladdened that their master is very much alive.]

****

[December 7th, 1869. Outside a bank, a gunman fires and makes his escape. There is a commotion as he reaches his horse, but before he can make his great escape, he is rudely interuppted by a sword piercing his heart. The sheriff and his deputies attend to the corpse and collect the stolen money, looking out around the Missouri horizon for whomever could've laid this robber, a one Jesse Woodson James, low.]

****

[December 7th, 1787. As the Delaware legislature prepares to vote on ratifcation of the United States Constitution, making them the first state to do so, Governor Thomas Collins enters the chambers with a series of explosive devices attached to his abdomen. He yells something in what sounds like Farsi and clicks a trigger device in his left hand. The building is destroyed. There are no survivors.]

****

[December 7th, 1987. Singer and actor Aaron Carter is born. A few minutes later, the hospital is consumed by a hideous gas explosion. There are no survivors.]

****

[December 7th, 2011. Actor Harry Morgan, best known from his roles on M*A*S*H and Dragnet, passes away at the age of 96. Then, roughly 4 minutes later, comes back to life. He lives another 34 years, happily and without ill health or incident.]

****

[Within the confines of the Space-Time Continuum...]

Cosmos: Did you succeed?!
Chronos: Is it done?!
Herve: Did it work?!
Piett [standing triumphantly]: It sure as hell did. [pulls out...] Madden NFL 13, motherfuckers.
Cosmos, Chronos and Herve: YEEEAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Piett: And only 8 months early.
Herve: It doesn't hurt to screw with time for something like this, does it?
Cosmos: Probably.
Piett: Really??
Chronos: Yeah. But who gives a shit about that crap. We'll fix it tomorrow.

*fin*

Quantum Piett Revisits the Hall of Presidents

[Magic Kingdom, Disney World. Orlando, Florida. The Hall of Presidents attraction in Liberty Square. July 24, 2011.]

Morgan Freeman: And as our journeys continue...
Herve: This is the only way to get him into these stories, isn't it?
Piett: Not really. In this story, he's been redubbed by Tom Arnold.
Herve: Aw...

Tom Arnold: And as our journeys continue, what once seemed revolutionary now seems profoundly simple. That we should choose our own leaders, that our hopes should be their hopes, our fears their fears, our dreams their dreams. Ladies and gentlemen, the Presidents of the United States.

[The crowd applauds.]

Herve: God, shut up nerds. It's just a ride about presidents.

"George Washington..."

Piett: Father of America , huh? YOUR SEED HAS DISAPPOINTED YOU GREATLY!!

"John Adams..."

Herve: 1776 The Musical was a lie. He looks *nothing* like William Daniels...

"Thomas Jefferson..."

Piett: Blacks can't carry the mail, but they can have your children?! HYPOCRITE!

"James Madison..."

Herve: Framer of the Constitution?! He had nothing to do with framing it! He wrote it! Stop taking credit from people who choose to frame their copies of the Constitution!

"James Monroe..."

[Piett throws a tomahawk at him. It misses, but the point is made.]
Piett: The Seminoles may've forgotten you, but I HAVEN'T!

"John Quincy Adams..."

Herve: We can't destroy him. God beat us to it by giving him a fatal cerebral hemorrhage after he denounced honoring Mexican-American War veterans.

"Andrew Jackson..."

Piett: If I had another tomahawk, I'd--
Herve: No.....no. Even his animatronic figure would kick your ass.
Piett: True...

"Martin Van Buren..."

Herve: Megh.
Piett: No, it's "Mergh."

"William Henry Harrison..."

Herve: How's that cough, WH?

"John Tyler..."

Piett & Herve [bow]: Your Accidency.

"James K. Polk..."

Piett: The rivers and harbors of America will never forgive you, sir!
[Herve pokes Piett in the side.]
Piett: Not that kind of poke!

"Zachary Taylor..."

Herve: Ol' Rough and Ready wasn't so rough and ready when he dropped dead.
Piett: Maybe he was.

"Millard Fillmore..."

Piett: Compromise of 1850!

"Franklin Pierce..."

Herve: Lowly yet adequate college in the middle of nowhere, New Hampshire!

"James Buchanan..."

Piett: Dred Scott, Bleeding Kansas, Panic of 1857, Covode Committee, Fort Sumter.....which one should I go with?
Herve: How about "shitdick president."
Piett: Fair enough. SHITDICK!!

"Abraham Lincoln..."

Piett & Herve: You freed the WHO?!?!

"Andrew Johnson..."

Herve: Never forget Seward's Folly! This man gave us Sarah Palin!!
[Piett inexplicably finds another tomahawk and throws it.]

"Ulysses S. Grant..."

Piett: He looks drunk.
Herve: No truth to that. What he looks is destitute.

"Rutherford B. Hayes..."

Herve: He robbed America of the Stephen J. Tilden experience! ROBBED!

"James Garfield..."

Piett: Shot to death because he was not a cat. Lame, but understandable.

"Chester A. Arthur..."

Herve: Polygamy hater!

"Grover Cleveland..."

Piett: You're not a Muppet! [stands up] YOU'RE NOT A MUPPET AT ALL!!!
[Herve pulls him back down to his seat]

"Benjamin Harrison..."

Herve: When your biggest crisis was regarding fishing and sealing rights against Canadians, you know you're not a man. Not a man at all.

"William McKinley..."

Piett: The man who gave us Guam.
Herve: Was that an insult?
Piett: We'll see...

"Theodore Roosevelt ..."

Herve: Um...Boy Scout lover!
Piett: Bully! He got shot and made a joke about it minutes later! That's a man!!

William Howard Taft..."

Piett: Ballinger Affair!

"Woodrow Wilson..."

Herve: I raise you a Ballinger Affair with World War Fucking One!
Piett: Ooh, you win.

"Warren G. Harding..."

Piett: Teapot Dome Scandal!

"Calvin Coolidge..."

Herve: Flood lover!

"Herbert Hoover..."

Piett: You fight a great depression by naming a dam after yourself?! Bah!

"Franklin D. Roosevelt..."

Herve: You can't walk?! BAH!

"Harry S. Truman..."

Piett: The buck stops where?
Herve: Get outta the kitchen!
Person sitting nearby: Will you shut up?
Herve: Finally.
[Herve leaps at him and quickly gnaws his neck to death.]

"Dwight D. Eisenhower..."

Piett: I didn't like Ike.
Herve: That mission to Mars in 2324?
Piett: Yeah. He was a real prick. So glad he was killed by John Carter.
Herve: The ER doctor, folks. Not the Warlord of Mars. Man, I can't wait 'til Walsh tells THAT story.

"John F. Kennedy..."

Herve: Ow, my, er, ah, brains!

"Lyndon B. Johnson..."

Piett: His last 2 initials were BJ. Huh huh.
Herve: And he worsened Vietnam. Not losing sight of the gimmick, kids. Don't worry.

"Richard M. Nixon..."

[Piett's pithy retort is to throw yet another tomahawk at him. Nixon catches it, then returns to non-life.]

Piett & Herve: AHHHH!!!!

"Gerald R. Ford..."

Piett: When you can't assassinate Ford...
Herve: 3! 3 people tried it!
Piett: ...you're just a big freakin' fail.

"Jimmy Carter..."

[A child next to Herve cries.]

Herve: You damn fucking right, kid.

"Ronald Reagan..."

Piett: I forget what my complaint was gonna be.
Herve: Cruel.
Piett: What? I really did.

"George Bush..."

Herve: Read my lips. No new taxes.....[whispers with a frozen face] just raising the ones that already exist.
Piett: Ah, that's how he did it.

"Bill Clinton..."

Piett: Holy shit, I think he just winked at me. Even his animatronic can't help it.

"George W. Bush..."

Herve: The crying kid woulda been even more perfect here. Hang on.... [balls up his fist and turns to his side.]

Tom Arnold: And now we come to the present. A present that is rooted in our past. For all who--

[Suddenly a gang of Republican types burst into the room. White businessmen, Neocons, FOX News executives, Klansmen, 1800's-era segregationists, 1960's-era Southern Democrats, Glenn Beck...]

Herve: What the shit is this?!
Piett: Typical. They cut off the black guy! Allons-ze!
Herve: Stop speaking French.
Piett: Let's go!
Herve: Kill!!! WOOOO!!!!!

*fin*