Quantum Piett Turns 30. Sorta.

[May 21, 2010. 2 men are walking toward a set of stairs descending into a grand dwelling. One is carrying several boxes, the other is smoking a cigarette. Suddenly the smoker stops.]

Herve: ...OH MY GOD IT'S TECHNICALLY YOUR 30TH BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!

[The scream bewilders the man carrying the boxes and he trips and falls down the stairs.]

Piett: Oh Jesus Christ fuaaaaAAAAAAA!!!!!

[Hilarious looking calamity ensues as boxes and Piett tumble in a hideous mess. Herve writhes in pain as he looks on, then puts his cigarette out under his foot.]

Herve: Too sudden?

Piett: .....

QUANTUM PIETT TURNS 30. SORTA.

[In another place, some hours later. Piett sits at a darkened circular table, his face only slightly illuminated by dim light above. He is alone, but not for long. Several men enter the room, and like Piett their identities are only slightly visible to each other.]

Piett: Gentlemen, let us dispense with the pleasantries and commence the meeting. Are we all in attendance?

Captain Needa: Aye.

General Rieekan: Here.

Dengar: Yeah.

That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: Yo.

Lobot: {nods}

Landozzel: Landozzel here.

Piett: Landozzel?! What are you doing here?!?

Landozzel: It makes perfect sense. I'm a combination of not only 2 random Star Wars characters, but characters both from the same movie. [pause] Which is why we're all here. [pause] Today. [pause] Right?

Lobot: {facepalms}

Piett: Way to spoil the connection, asshole. Yes, as my astute colleague has now said before I was going to, we are all here to commemorate the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back. And, in essence, the 30th anniversary of all of us. And that is why.....we must unite to save the world!!

Lobot: {confused}

General Rieekan: I agree with the bald calculator. What?

Piett: It has been 30 years since the release of The Empire Strikes Back. In the years that have transpired, it has become THE greatest film of the saga. However, in the years that have transpired, the prequels have also been released.

Dengar: Boo!!

That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: Hssss!!!

Lobot: {thumbs down}

Landozzel: Well, except for Episode 3 which was pretty great.

Piett: That's enough. The prequels have utterly tarnished the grandeur of the saga. And in the day when young children have Clone Wars cartoons and shitty novels with weird aliejns destroying everything and everyone hating Jedi again or whatever, they do not appreciate the original trilogy OR its greatest chapter! So in order to save the world from forgetting the legacy of Empire - of OUR movie! - we must unite and take action to make sure the world never forgets!

Landozzel: But it's Empire, man. How can anything tarnish that? Or even overshadow it?

Piett: Mankind these days can find ways. Easily. Observe.

[Piett leans down and picks up a laptop. After acquiring a wifi signal, he logs onto the internet and loads a page, then slides the device over to Landozzel. He sits and stares at Google.com for a few moments, uncertain as to what he should be reacting--]

Landozzel: OH MY GOD YOU CAN PLAY PAC-MAN ON THE GOOGLE LOGO!!!

Piett: Clearly Empire Strikes Back has lost its luster. Which is why we need to remind people, though an amazing act, that it is greater than they think or remember.

General Rieekan: This is awful. Just.....awful. And it reeks of evil. If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were knee deep in some villainous scheme to kill kids or cancer patients or something.

Piett: Dude, I'm a hero. Walsh would never write me as a villain.

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Sean Walsh: Yeah. Never. Hee.

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Dengar: Who's Walsh?

Lobot: {shrugs}

Dengar: Hey, why don't you talk?

Piett: Lucas didn't give him any lines. So he's destined to never speak. Ever.

That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: I didn't have any lines. And I'm talking. What's up with that?

Piett: Actually, what's up with you even being here?

That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: I got the eVite invitation.

Piett: Who still uses eVite??

Captain Needa: I might still use eVite.

That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: And could we stop calling me "That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason." I have a name.

Piett: YOU have a name?? They gave YOU a name?!?

Landozzel: Dude, they give *everyone* names now. All the cantina patrons, random Ewoks, even people who used to be called "Amanaman" and "Prune Face." Gotta keep the merchandising alive somehow.

Willrow Hood: Yeah. That includes me. See? It just got updated. Thank you. And I have an action figure too.

Piett: You have.....?

[Pause]

[Piett takes out a gun and shoots Willrow Hood dead.]

Dengar: Oh shit!

General Rieekan: You racist! You just killed our only black guy!

Landozzel: Hey!

Captain Needa: You Rebels and your foolish racial sensitivity. That is why the Empire will win this conflict.

[Piett leans over and whispers something into Needa's ear. A look of horror overcomes his face.]

Needa: They DO?!?

Landozzel [whispers to Lobot]: Man, the continuity is just all over the place in this one, man.

Lobot: {begrudgingly agrees}

*******

[Some time later, Piett and his group of allies reappear across the street from the Arclight Cinema in Hollywood, California, where a gala event is underway. Paparazzi, actors, crazed fans with lightsabers....]

Piett: Wait a minute, lightsabers?

Lobot: {points feverishly}

[All eyes gaze on the sign that Lobot points to and gasp.]

Captain Needa: This is a Star Wars event!

General Rieekan: A SCREENING of Empire Strikes Back!!

Piett: What the.....but this is where we were supposed to go......is this even....

Dengar: So something bad happens here and we have to save these people?

Landozzel: It sounds like it. We clearly have to save the world at a Star Wars event and then everyone will remember us and the movie in a whole new and heroic way!

Piett: Unless......no.....no, don't you all see......the event IS what has to be stopped!

Landozzel: That makes no sense.

Lobot: {horribly confused now}

Piett: I know.....but trust me, it DOES!! Clearly there is something amiss here and it must be stopped. And DESTROYED!!! Yes, yes it's so clear, can't you see?!?

[All gathered join Lobot in making a weird expression of shock and bafflement on their faces. Landozzel's eye catches another sign across the street.]

Landozzel: Wait a minute....this is a St. Jude Children's Hospital event too. They're researching cures for cancer, man...this CAN'T be evil...

Dengar: But have they found it yet? Really?

Landozzel: That's cold, you scum. COLD.

Captain Needa: The bounty hunter's snark reveals some semblance of sense.

General Rieekan: Of course it would, you Nazi.

Captain Needa: Ok, first off when you said "killing cancer patients" earlier.....you totally called this.

General Rieekan [begrudgingly]: Dammit, I kinda totally did.

Captain Needa: But my point is, maybe attacking this event will kickstart the medical community into doing something more about cancer. Think of all the attention this cause will gain, and think of the money people would donate.

Dengar: He's right! Think of all that money that went to 9/11 causes that the government still has stored away in warehouse and bank vaults! They made a ton of cash off that staged event!

Lobot: {.......clearly has had enough, and activates his jetpack and just flies away from this}

Piett: When did he get a jetpack??

Landozzel: I think the question is, why didn't we ever ask him if he had one all along?

Piett: This is stupid....this is all so.....WHAT THE HELL?!?

[Like Lobot before him, Piett feverishly points at another sign: the name of this event.]

Piett: "The Empire GIVES Back?!?" BULLSHIT! We STRIKE!!! WE STRIKE NOW!!!! COME ON!!!!

[An enraged Piett runs across the street, clearly ignoring common street laws. The others shrug and run after him. Piett shoves reporters and photographers alike,until he reaches a group of actors participating in this event: Harrison Ford, Billy Dee Williams, Peter Mayhew and Ewan McGregor. As the commotion begins to swell, and Piett's colleagues also push aside the crowd, he makes the first strike: Piett approaches Peter Mayhew, the actor who portrayed Chewbacca, and kicks his cane out from under him.]

Peter Mayhew: WhoaaaaAAAAAHHH!!!!!

[The 7-foot tall Englishman topples over and crashes on the ground. As he impacts, he explodes in a fiery and sensational fury!!]

General Rieekan: That was.....odd.

Captain Needa: Odd, but effective! LET'S KILL THEM ALL!!!

Landozzel: What....what the hell are you wearing?

Billy Dee Williams: Roscoe Lee Browne? Is that you??

Piett: You do look like Roscoe Lee Browne, now that he says it.

Landozzel: I absolutely do. Awesome. [coughs] I mean, what the hell is with that scarf?! You look like a black Charles Nelson Reilly!

[Seriously, Google this event and look at the picture of what Billy Dee Williams looked like and the fabulously disturbing scarf he was wearing.]

Billy Dee Williams: I don't know why you came back from the dead to compare me to another dead gay man, but I've had just about enough of you too!

[Landozzel and Billy Dee Williams throw punches, which land simultaenously. And in a bizarre puff of logic, both men disintegrate in a strange haze of dust and confusion.]

Captain Needa: Goodness! They're....dead???

General Rieekan: It looked like that scene from Timecop when Ron Silver came into contact with his past self and they both dissolved into time-goop.

[Suddenly a fist punches through Rieekan's chest, and a hand emerges from the other holding his still beating heart. Rieekan's body falls forward into a dead heap.]

Piett: No. Timecop. References.

Captain Needa: Right, no Timec.....nope, nope, none whatsoever.

Piett: Now, let CHAOS REIGN!!!

[Dengar nods, and pulls out that big giant gun he was holding in the Star Destroyer Executor scene which he never used because that's all we saw of him, and opens fire on the assembled crowd. Screams and blood are abound as the bandaged bounty hunter lays waste to all around him. Piett opens fire with his own weapon, while Captain Needa punches and kicks because his action figure didn't have any accessories of note that would do any good in a fight.]

Harrison Ford: What are you madmen doing?! I don't come out and talk about Star Wars all the time, you know?!

Piett: The real Harrison Ford would've kicked our asses before any of this began! You've lost it, Ford!

[Piett smashes Harrison Ford in the face with the butt of his gun, knocking him to the ground.]

Piett: That was for Indiana Jones 4, you bastard!!!

[Dengar continues to destroy all those still in range. But he is suddenly overwhelmed by 2 men - directors Jon Favreau (THURA: A SPACE ADVENTURE, IRON MAN 2 - IN THEATRES NOW!) and Christopher Nolan (THE DARK KNIGHT, INCEPTION - ALMOST IN THEATRES NOW!). They tackle him to the ground and seperate him from his big lasery boomstick. As Dengar shoves them aside and gets to his feet, the 2 directors grab the bandaging on Dengar's head and, like a May Day pole, begin to run around him.]

Dengar: No, don't do that! NOO!!!

[Quickly, Dengar begins to unwrap like a mummy. And within moments, there is nothing left but a pile of wrappings, his costume and a lifeless human face lying on the ground.]

Chris Nolan and Jon Favreau: We're AWESOME! [high five]

Chris Nolan: Oh man, think of how awesome a movie we both made together would be!

Jon Favreau: Or babies!

Chris Nolan: What?

Jon Favreau: I meant movie. Yeah. I'm sorry, got carried away there.

Chris Nolan: Come on, Jon! Let's go make a movie together!

[Chris Nolan and Jon Favreau clasp hands and skip away from the chaos and off to make a movie...]

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Sean Walsh: That movie was called Bio-Dome. I don't know how they went back in time to make it, but they did. They changed their names and made an awful piece of shit movie starring Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin. And bcause they knew it was a terrible box office failure, they committed suicide sometime later, I think. And if they didn't, THEY SHOULD.

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[Meanwhile, the chaos is winding down, as the crowd of starlets and Hollywoodites is thinned incredibly quickly. After dispatching some weasely little bitch from E! Entertainment TV, Captain Needa locks eyes with "actress" and "singer" ...]

Captain Needa: Ashlee Simpson?! Oh, what a boon this will be, to kill someone of incredible uselessness!

[Suddenly a man quite literally jumps in between them.]

Pete Wentz: You'll have to go through me first, asshole!

Captain Needa: Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy? Pfeh. You're noth--

[As Needa approaches, Wentz suddenly spews radioactive bile into the captain's face. Needa screams and melts before their very eyes like that asshole doctor from ER in the first Robocop movie. Seriously. Go watch Robocop again. The goon who melts and gets hit by the truck is totally that prick Romano from ER.]

Pete Wentz: They don't call us Fallout Boy for nothing!

Captain Needa: I can't believe it....Pete Wentz is awesome....BLEAHHHGBBL!!!! [dies]

[With his last ally dead, and the hideous duo of Simpson & Wentz fleeing for their lives, Piett stands alone at ground zero of the Empire Gives Back fundraiser event.]

Ewan McGregor: And so, only we remain!

Piett: Obi-Wan Kenobi!

Ewan McGregor: Beware my Force powers, you murderous bastard!

[Suddenly, Ewan McGregor strikes....with a combination of faux-ninja moves, and a lot of annoying tacky yelling that makes him sound like Bruce Lee. Only he's British. And more out of shape than he was when he was making the prequels. Piett looks on as McGregor seriously tries to put a good effort into looking menacing. So Piett takes his gun and just shoots Ewan McGregor right between the eyes.]

Piett: It's over. [pause] IT'S OVER!!! I've done it! AND I killed a Jedi! Now NO ONE will never forget The Empire Strikes Back on May 21st EVER!!!

Harrison Ford: Actually....it's....May 19th....

Piett: I said [stomps Harrison Ford's head, presumably killing him dead this time] THAT WAS FOR INDIANA JONES 4!!!

[Pause]

Piett: Wait a minute...[checks his time device]...this IS May 19th! We're not even on the right day! So what happens on May 21..... [pause, looks around at all the corpses] Ooh shit.

[The sounds of police sirens, and even an LAPD helicopter, grow closer from the distance, as those not quite dead yet begin to hobble and drag themselves toward the incoming safety. Piett is flummoxed.]

Piett: He DID totally write me as the bad guy. Good grief......uh.......hey, wait. [yells] Fourth world!!

[A Boom Tube opens, revealing the dark god of Apokolips: Darkseid.]

Darkseid: Did someone say....hey wait, you DID say fourth world this time! Wha--

Piett: Run away!!

[Piett pushes Darkseid aside and leaps into his Boom Tube, which snaps shut behind him. Darkseid is stunned, then sees the carnage around him.]

Darkseid: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!?

******

[Meanwhile, on May 21st, 2010....the world is being attacked by pirate gorillas and Nazi dinosaurs. Insane chaos everywhere. Millions dead. And no one really leaping in to save the daARGHHHH!!!!]

Pirate Gorilla [pulling a sword out of the narrator's stomach]: Ahoy, me hearty. I thought this'd be a lot tougher, it'd be.

Tyrannosaurus Reich [translated from German - obviously]: I agree. This is almost....disappointing. The only resistance we've even encountered is....this midget standing before our armies. Let us kill him, yes?

Pirate Gorilla: Arrrr!

[The pirate gorilla and Nazi dinosaur armies descend on the single miniscule man, flossing his teeth and wearing an Empire Strikes Back t-shirt no less.]

Herve: Heh.


******


Epilogue: 6 months later, on The Oprah Winfrey Show...

Oprah: Ladies, my next guest is a world-class humanitarian and a literary sensation. As well as being the most significant donor to finding the cure for cancer in the history of the world, his new book, "Bounty Hunters ARE Scum," has been atop every best sellers list for the last 2 months. And he's giving his first interview exclusive to the world here today! He'll also be adding his insight to being part of the MOST important film in motion picture history as well as his personal connections with the hero of the May 21st Nazi-Simian War. Please welcome............Lobot!

Lobot: {appreciatively waves}

*fin*