Top Gassing

A bonus (and non-Quantum Piett) story, original written & posted online years ago, and rewritten not too long ago...

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[Scene: The Death Star, in the tractor beam room. Two stormtroopers are stationed near the tractor beam, where Ben Kenobi is hiding.]

Stormtrooper 1: Do you know what's going on?
Stormtrooper 2: Maybe it's another drill.

[Ben moves around the tractor beam, watching the stormtroopers as they turn their backs to him and chat.]

Stormtrooper 1: Have you seen that new BT-16?
Stormtrooper 2: Yeah, some of the other guys were telling me about it. They say it's, it's quite a thing to...what was that?

[Ben gestures with his hand toward them as the troops think they hear something in the other hallway. With the help of the Force, Ben deftly slips past the troopers and into the main hallway.]

Stormtrooper 1: That's nothing. Top gassing. Don't worry about it.

[Long pause]

Stormtrooper 2: I...don't think that's top gassing.
Stormtrooper 1: What makes you think...oh Jesus Christ! That is NOT top gassing!
Stormtrooper 2: "Jesus Christ?"
Stormtrooper 1: Well, not the usual top gassing at least.

[Another long pause]

Stormtrooper 1: Oh God...that stench is unbearable.
Stormtrooper 2: What in the hell could ever make a horrific smell like that anyway? Stormtrooper 1: Ever been to Tatooine?
Stormtrooper 2: Nope.
Stormtrooper 1: Everything there smells like that.
Stormtrooper 2: Get out.
Stormtrooper 1: Seriously. So much worse than this odor. That back-asswards planet could kill any normal person just by the smell of it.
Stormtrooper 2: So how in the hell can anyone live there, much less visit?
Stormtrooper 1: It must be like some natural or...selective immunity.
Stormtrooper 2: Must be.
Stormtrooper 1: Plus these uniforms, for all their frailities, actually keeps the smell out really well.
Stormtrooper 2: Yet they're not laserproof. At all.
Stormtrooper 1: I know. Go fig.

[Yet another long freakin' pause.]

Stormtrooper 2: It's getting hard to breathe in here. I'm getting concerned for my health.
Stormtrooper 1: What *is* top gassing, anyway?
Stormtrooper 2: I dunno. You're the one who called it that.
Stormtrooper 1: I know, but that's just what I've heard it called.
Stormtrooper 2: You just repeating the same old drab lectures from Stormtrooper Academy, huh?
Stormtrooper 1: Yeah, guess so.
Stormtrooper 2: Typical stormtrooper attitude. We're all the same. Same exact outfits on each and every one of us. Same kind of lifeless responses to all sorts of questions. We're mere cogs in a giant machine. Hell, it's like we're all clones or something. Think about it.
Stormtrooper 1: Well you're no better.
Stormtrooper 2: Technically I am. I have plans to be bigger and better things.
Stormtrooper 1: Like...?
Stormtrooper 2: Technical officer. Maybe even a Star Destroyer controller.
Stormtrooper 1: Ooh, there's a step up in the gene pool. What's so different about that? You'd still be a face in the crowd, still be dressed like the next 20 people next to you.
Stormtrooper 2: Well at least my face would be showing.
Stormtrooper 1: I've seen it. It's nothing to be impressed about.
Stormtrooper 2: The hell, man!
Stormtrooper 1: I just can't see why it'd be that important to you.
Stormtrooper 2: It's an ego thing.
Stormtrooper 1: I can tell you one thing...*cough cough*...without a mask, that ego'd do no good from protecting you from these toxic fumes...
Stormtrooper 2: You do have a point there. [pause] Is this room changing color?
Stormtrooper 1: No. This is not good. We should report this.
Stormtrooper 2: Why? It's nothing that serious.
Stormtrooper 1: Well the chief did say to give a regular report.
Stormtrooper 2: And just what would we say? "Sir, it smells of ass down here. Request we abandon the station." Is that what you want to say?

[Pause]

Stormtrooper 1: Just imagine Tarkin's face if we did abandon the station because of one of the thousands of chambers smells like farts...

[Pause]

Stormtrooper 1: Y'know, that's almost worth getting Vader choked. I'm game.
Stormtrooper 2: There we go, man. Good for you. You've taken your first step into a larger world. Let's roll.

[The troopers abandon their post and run down a side corridor, activiating their comlinks on the way. Some distance down the main corridor, however, Ben Kenobi lies almost motionless on the ground, coughing and hacking for air.]

Ben: Damn Force...*hack hack*...I meant topgassing...not...*cough cough*...outgassing...! [falls down the shaft, dies, trilogy goes off track and ends with Jar-Jar winning or something]

*fin*

Quantum Piett Do Some Silly Shit

[The Space-Time Continuum. Piett and Herve are watching the new Muppets movie,. when suddenly....]

Piett: Holy shit, what are you doing?!
Herve: Holy crap, it's most certainly something silly and wacky yet I'll still defend myself as if it was normal!
Piett: Well stop doing that and converse with me about meaningless nonsense!
Herve: _____ is stupid and dumb, but not as stupid and dumb as ______!
Piett: I partially agree with you but disagree with you about other aspects of that statement!
Herve: I would engage in further discussion on this, but I believe we are about to be interuppted with the job!

[Cosmos and Chronos enter.]

Cosmos: We have stuff that needs to get done that could ruin other stuff we have going on in the multiverse!
Chronos: I'm going to joke about sensitive things and then feel bad about it inside!
Herve: You are terrible for saying those things although I would on the surface laugh and make light of it as well!
Cosmos: Go do things that may or may not mean anything in the greater meaning of the multiverse!
Chronos: I act straight but I think I'm gay!
Cosmos: I am gay!
Piett: We are leaving without much more comment!
Herve: I will tag along to allow witty banter in the adventures that follow!

[Cosmos and Chronos leave. Piett and Herve leave as well. Nearby, Cecil the doorman stands and mutters....]

Cecil: What the fuck is happening here?

*******

[On Planet _____, Piett and Herve walk down a long road. Since there is nothing to do but talk, they talk.]

Piett: I am saying things that make me seem like I'm in tune with current events and popular things, even though I'm not really.
Herve: Your words antagonize me enough to mock things like your appearance and marital status!
Piett: I am married but she never shows up anymore!
Herve: I question the timeline of this story as a result!

[As they continue walking, Cecil peers over a ridge of rocks with a pair of binoculars. He shakes his head in disgust and hands the binoculars over to his colleague, who is soon surprised by what he sees too.]

Cecil: You see? This is not right.
Supreme Pontiff Hook: Yeah, this is pretty bad. I'm glad you pulled me out of that Vatican 4 meeting for this.
Cecil: Are you being sarcastic?
Supreme Pontiff Hook: No. The religious shit gets really ludicrous when we start changing the rules of it all. Did you know they just wanna abortion "okay"? Like, really, that's what the pope said. "Okay."
Ben the Spider-Man [grabs binoculars]: They're just going through the caedences. Literally. It's the basic of motions and nothing more.
George Gaynes: Well I can barely tell a difference. They're just rambling per usual.
Cecil: Nonsense.
George Gaynes: Yes, rambling nonsense.
Cecil: No! I mean, for real this time! It's literal nonsense.
Supreme Pontiff Hook: God has finally given up on these two.
Ben the Spider-Man: And on Cosmos and Chronos too.
Supreme Pontiff Hook: Heathens. Hallowed be thy name, O Lord.
Ben the Spider-Man: You can't be serious.
George Gaynes: I liked him better when he was a supervillain with a religious motif, not an actual Vatican highfather. [thinks] No wait......I didn't like him then either.
Cecil: Focus on the problem at hands, you clods. These two are walking into something dangerous, I'm sure of it.
George Gaynes: Like what? Cancellation? [laughs, then suddenly becomes garbled by binary code and disappears]
Supreme Pontiff Hook: JESUS!!!
Cecil: No, just Walsh.

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

[He sits back from the keyboard and thinks a moment.]

Jesus Christ: Or is it?

[Pause]

Jesus Christ: No, it is. Yeah, you've definitely got malware or something in there.

Sean Walsh: Damn you, 14th security suite in a row that's failed me!

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

Ben the Spider-Man: Well, let's do s--

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

Jesus: Wait, am I a computer tech now?

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

--omething about this. Let's roll!

[Ben the Spider-Man leaps up and runs off to do something.]

Piett: Look, a fellow character who we have interacted with on occasion!
Herve: Your appearance is sudden and rather pointless!
Ben the Spider-Man: I....[long pause, during which he twitches fiercely, then...] I acknowledge your mockery, but shall join you in your journey to _____ nonetheless.

[In the distance, Cecil panics.]

Cecil: Fuckbags, Ben's been infected too!!
Supreme Pontiff Hook: O Lord, we beseech thee, show us the path to redemption and closure!

[Suddenly Supreme Pontiff Hook is absorbed by a bright light. He howls as a large hand extends for above and grabs him, but is soon no more.]

Cecil: Good grief, is this really.......is this really God's horrible revenge or something?!? [pause] Wait, was that hand made of felt?

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

Sean Walsh: Damn computer, what are you doing now?! AhhhhhHHHHH!!!!

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

[Cecil yells as&#%^&$%^&@#

THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.
THE MUPPETS. IN THEATRES NOW.

Piett: Hold on a fucking minute. Was this abortion of a story just a cheap and lousy advertisement for that new fucking Muppet movie?
Herve: I think so.
Piett: Yeesh, talk about viral marketing....
Herve: Ba dum tss.
Cecil: What's a Muppet?
Herve: Exactly, pointless side character of little importance. Exactly.

[Suddenly a large figure bursts into the room. Piett and Herve scream, while Cecil jumps behind a couch, effectively ending his part in this story as it turns out.]

Cecil: Aw...
Herve: Who is--
The Watcher: There is an infinite number of variables in the multiverse where destiny has taken unexpected turns! Unike YOU, I must simply wait and observe the events as they occur! But COME! and I shall show you more...FOR I AM THE WATCHER!!!!

[Pause]

Piett: Yes?
Watcher: What? [pause] Oh, sorry. I thought I was walking into someone introducing me.
Herve: How? You just burst in unexpectedly.
Piett: No wait, can you come bursting back in and scream "NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"
Watcher: I will not.
Herve: Dude, your head is way too big for the rest of your body. How can you explain that?
Watcher: I live on the moon.
Herve: That's what you're going with.
Watcher: It is,
Cecil: He might actually have a point, given the gravity on the moon and the lack there--
Piett and Herve: Shut up and go away, Cecil!!!
Cecil: Aw... [leaves]
Watcher: Can I just go back to my original premise, please?
Herve: Yeah. We kinda wander with our rambling. Go ahead.
Watcher: Thanks. [postures dramatically again] Though I dare not interfere, I shall always WATCH! And SO SHALL YOU!

[Pause]

Herve: Are you a peeper?
Watcher: What?!
Herve: You watch people without them knowing it.
Watcher: Well, yes, but I would hardly compare it to being a--
Piett: PERVERT! PERVERT!

[Chronos runs in.]

Chronos: What? WHAT!!!

[Pause]

Chronos: Oh, hey Watcher.
Watcher: Hey, Earl.
Piett: Your name is Earl?!

[Watcher snickers.]

Chronos: Nah, it's just a running gag.
Herve: What....?
Piett: I don't...
Chronos: See? Not so funny when it happens to you, is it?
Piett: Shit, he got us there.
Chronos: This is The Watcher. From the Fantastic Four comics. He watches people. [creepily] When they sleep.
Watcher: Dude!
Chronos: Nah, he's legit. He chronicles stuff that happens. Multiversal crap, you know the gig.
Herve: Sadly.
Watcher: And I come here to show you the horrors of what you seem to underestimate today...
Herve: Peepers?
Chronos: My Name is Earl?
Piett: Mupp.....oh, I get it now. [groans] Uh, I mean....Muppets?
Watcher: Yes, The Muppets. [extends his hand] THE GREATEST HORROR THIS UNIVERSE HAS EVER KNOWN!!!!

[Pause]

Chronos: Not as dramatic when it's just one universe, when we monitor and govern zillions of them.
Watcher: Can you please let me get on with this?
Chronos: Fine. Come on, Cecil.
Cecil: But can't I at least--
Chronos: COME ON.

[Chronos and Cecil leave.]

Cecil: Wait, where did Ben the Spider-Man go? Does anyone even caoh who am I kidding of course no one does.
Watcher: I could never deal with all this distractions.
Herve: You get numb to it.
Piett: So the Muppets are awful?
Watcher: YES! They are immortal! Indestructible! And above all, unstoppable!! Nothing can stop The Muppets! And NOTHING ever will.
Piett: Somehow, I doubt that.

[The Watcher envelopes the quantum duo with a band of energy. They are shocked, and soon the mansion and continuum fade away around them.]

Watcher: Though I cannot prevent the events we are about to see, I can always WATCH! AND SO SHALL YOU!

*******

[November 10, 1938. Somewhere in Germany. The Nazi riots known as Kristallnacht are underway. Piett and Herve stand still and in silent horror as Germans and Nazis around them destroy and burn the homes and businesses of Jewish citizens, who are being forced out of their homes and expelled from German society. Their eyes are afixed on the atrocities around them.....or rather, at those who are committing the atrocities.]

Piett: Is that--
Herve: Oh lord, it--
Watcher: Behold, the rioters and true perpetrators of the Night of Broken Glass......MUPPETS!!!!

[Piett and Herve recoil in terror at this grim revelation, and also because they expect to be harmed.]

Watcher: You are invisible and transparent to these actions. You are here only to SEE. [looks aside] LOOK!

[Nearby, 2 felt-skinned Nazis throw bricks through storefronts, and others beat down Jews and drag them away. Piett and Herve, still frozen in place, hear a commotion beside them. A small child brawls with a Muppet monkey, until a Nazi officer - Johnny Fiama from Muppets Tonight - takes his gun and smashes the child in the forehead. As the child recovers, Fiama aims and shoots the Jewish child through the head.]

Piett: Oh fuck me sideways, I did not just see that!!
Herve: Why are we seeing this, Watcher?!
Watcher: Because you must KNOW! You must UNDERSTAND!
Piett: I see it, but I can't believe it. NOT THIS! There's no way Muppets had involvement the Nazis, NONE!!
Watcher: Then see this!

[Again, the trio vanish into thin air. They remanifest outside a German mansion, in the dead of winter 1942. The Watcher points to the building, and the 2 quantum adventurers walk carefully ahead, past several limousines and cars. Still invisible to the officers and house staff nearby, they enter the mansion. In a closed room, they hear voices. Piett opens the door, and stops dead in his tracks.]

Piett: Oh lord....OH JESUS CHRIST!!!!

[Herve cannot even muster a vocal response at what they see: the Wannsee Conference, helmed by Reinhard Heydrich......the meeting where Hitler's Final Solution was set into place. Many of these Nazi officials: Muppets. And in addition to the officials, 2 other disturbing figures send Piett into sheer madness.]

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: So gentlemen, these are the methods in which the Jews shall be gassed. It is effective, quick and - I'm sure you're relieved to know - cheap. We estimate we expect to be able to process 2,500...an hour. Not a day, an hour. At 24 hours a day, that is 60,000, which totals 21,900,000 Jews a year.Beaker: Meep meep meep meep meep.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Indeed, Beaker. If ever there were that many.
Piett: NonononononoNONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Piett grabs the sides of his heads and runs. Herve, still paralyzed by shock, turns to see him run away but cannot even bring himself to move any further. Piett leaves the house, still screaming, then stops in the driveway. As the Watcher looks on (but does not act, naturally) Piett grabs his belt buckle transporter.]

Piett: I WAS HAPPIER WITH THE ORIGINAL STORY FORMAT!!!

[He clicks it and vanishes back to the Space Time Continuum. Herve leaves the house and approaches the Watcher, obviously distraught and bothered.]

Watcher: Too much?
Herve: Yes....... [awkward pause] .......but I need to see more.
Watcher: O.....kay?

[They confusedly vanish into the ether again.]

*******

[Sometime later, back in the Space Time Continuum. Piett is sitting at the couch, with a pile of DVDs around him, featuring Nazis getting their commuppance. He is presently watching SCHINDLER'S LIST; but as his almost panicked control usage indicates......only the nice parts. Meanwhile, sitting in the trash are a full collection of Muppet DVDs.]

Piett: Ok....I'm feeling better about all this.
Cecil: Are you sure I can't take part in anymore--
Piett: Go the fuck away, Cecil! You remind me of those whose names I shall never speak again!!

[Suddenly a pulse of energy enters the room and Herve and the Watcher appear to Piett's side. Piett pauses the film and frantically gets up, while the Watcher helps Herve to a chair.]

Piett: What the...?! [grims] You didn't want to see more, did you?
Herve: Too much....too many.....
Watcher: He insisted. As we kept going, he demanded to see more. And more. [pause] He's not right in the head, is he?
Piett: Insufferably so, yes.
Herve: All those......horrors......all of it.....MUPPETS!!!

[He grabs Piett by the shoulders.]

Herve: Everyone evil in human history.....was a Muppet, Piett! Ivan the Terrible, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan. Eric Idle.....the Vikings, Stalin's inner circle, warlords of the Congo, the Jehovah's Witnesses......all of them! Muppets!!! Crazy Harry blew up the World Trade Center on behalf of the Bush Administration.....the Crusades were just a big fight between the Dark Crystal and Sesame Street......Sweetums shot JFK! And RFK! And MLK! With the same damn gun!!
Piett: That one makes sense, shockingly.
Herve: The Count secretly wrote TWILIGHT and paid a whore to take the credit for it!!! And the Inquisition.....the executioners and their mocking death calls....."wocka wocka wocka!!!" "Wocka wocka wocka!!!" WOCKA WOCKA WOCKAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Piett: Gods......who knew Fozzie could be *un*funny?
Herve: I feel like one of those old men. [pauses] If anything, they were the only ones who didn't do anything bad. Explains so much.
Watcher: Actually, no. They got Bored to Death cancelled off of HBO.
Herve [shakes his fists]: FUCKING FUCKERS!!!!
Watcher: Although in all my years, and in all my visions, I can safely say this with great confidence........the horror of the Muppets is no more.
Piett: R-really?
Watcher: It is contained to the confines of the past. The Muppets and their evil......shall never harm mankind again.
Herve: This seems like quite the sudden turnaround of events.
Watcher: Honestly? I'd like to just go home. This entire affair has been quite tiring. You people........you need help, man.
Herve: Wow, this is dark.
Piett: I almost prefer the Nazi Muppets.
Herve: Ok then. Bye, Watcher.
Watcher: Whatever. [leaves]
Piett: It can't end like this, can it?
Herve: Hey, not everyone has to like us.
Piett: No, I mean.......it can't end so candidly and serious like this, can it?
Herve: No.................no, it can't......

Epilogue:

[In a darkened and packed theatre, Piett, Herve and the Watcher view a very cool and artistic movie trailer, filled with vague things and flashy music. Finally, the title scrolls.....]

Fraggle Rock the Movie...
Watcher: What.........oh goodness, it doesn't get better!

[The Watcher makes a gun with his fingers and shoots himself through the head. Piett is sprayed with Watcher brain matter.]

Piett: MY POPCORN!

...directed by David Fincher. Rated R.

Piett: Well that's just his loss.
Herve: Yeah, that should be awesome.

Epilogue epilogue:

It was not awesome It ended David Fincher's career in 2017, and his suicide caused World War 3.

Watcher (with hole blown thru his head): VINDICATION!

Piett: Better.
Herve: Eh.

*fin*

A Date That Will Live in Infamy

[December 7th, 1941. The order is given. TORA! TORA! TORA!]

[10 minutes later, the Japanese invasion force lays strewn about the waters of Oahu Island. The American forces at Pearl Harbor cheer as the large aircraft ascends back into the skies over Hawaii and disappears into the clouds.]

****

[December 7th, 43 BC. In the yard of Roman Senator Marcus Tullius Cicero, the words are spoken. "There is nothing proper about what you are doing, soldier, but do try to kill me properly." Suddenly, a large arm extends and prepares to strike....and immediately falls limp. Howls of pain and blood smear the area. Cicero opens his eyes to find he is not dead as he'd thought only a moment before. His proported assassins lay, in pieces, around him. Behind him, a flash of light; as he turns, he sees nothing. Cicero's slaves attend to him, gladdened that their master is very much alive.]

****

[December 7th, 1869. Outside a bank, a gunman fires and makes his escape. There is a commotion as he reaches his horse, but before he can make his great escape, he is rudely interuppted by a sword piercing his heart. The sheriff and his deputies attend to the corpse and collect the stolen money, looking out around the Missouri horizon for whomever could've laid this robber, a one Jesse Woodson James, low.]

****

[December 7th, 1787. As the Delaware legislature prepares to vote on ratifcation of the United States Constitution, making them the first state to do so, Governor Thomas Collins enters the chambers with a series of explosive devices attached to his abdomen. He yells something in what sounds like Farsi and clicks a trigger device in his left hand. The building is destroyed. There are no survivors.]

****

[December 7th, 1987. Singer and actor Aaron Carter is born. A few minutes later, the hospital is consumed by a hideous gas explosion. There are no survivors.]

****

[December 7th, 2011. Actor Harry Morgan, best known from his roles on M*A*S*H and Dragnet, passes away at the age of 96. Then, roughly 4 minutes later, comes back to life. He lives another 34 years, happily and without ill health or incident.]

****

[Within the confines of the Space-Time Continuum...]

Cosmos: Did you succeed?!
Chronos: Is it done?!
Herve: Did it work?!
Piett [standing triumphantly]: It sure as hell did. [pulls out...] Madden NFL 13, motherfuckers.
Cosmos, Chronos and Herve: YEEEAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Piett: And only 8 months early.
Herve: It doesn't hurt to screw with time for something like this, does it?
Cosmos: Probably.
Piett: Really??
Chronos: Yeah. But who gives a shit about that crap. We'll fix it tomorrow.

*fin*