Top Gassing

A bonus (and non-Quantum Piett) story, original written & posted online years ago, and rewritten not too long ago...

+++++++

[Scene: The Death Star, in the tractor beam room. Two stormtroopers are stationed near the tractor beam, where Ben Kenobi is hiding.]

Stormtrooper 1: Do you know what's going on?
Stormtrooper 2: Maybe it's another drill.

[Ben moves around the tractor beam, watching the stormtroopers as they turn their backs to him and chat.]

Stormtrooper 1: Have you seen that new BT-16?
Stormtrooper 2: Yeah, some of the other guys were telling me about it. They say it's, it's quite a thing to...what was that?

[Ben gestures with his hand toward them as the troops think they hear something in the other hallway. With the help of the Force, Ben deftly slips past the troopers and into the main hallway.]

Stormtrooper 1: That's nothing. Top gassing. Don't worry about it.

[Long pause]

Stormtrooper 2: I...don't think that's top gassing.
Stormtrooper 1: What makes you think...oh Jesus Christ! That is NOT top gassing!
Stormtrooper 2: "Jesus Christ?"
Stormtrooper 1: Well, not the usual top gassing at least.

[Another long pause]

Stormtrooper 1: Oh God...that stench is unbearable.
Stormtrooper 2: What in the hell could ever make a horrific smell like that anyway? Stormtrooper 1: Ever been to Tatooine?
Stormtrooper 2: Nope.
Stormtrooper 1: Everything there smells like that.
Stormtrooper 2: Get out.
Stormtrooper 1: Seriously. So much worse than this odor. That back-asswards planet could kill any normal person just by the smell of it.
Stormtrooper 2: So how in the hell can anyone live there, much less visit?
Stormtrooper 1: It must be like some natural or...selective immunity.
Stormtrooper 2: Must be.
Stormtrooper 1: Plus these uniforms, for all their frailities, actually keeps the smell out really well.
Stormtrooper 2: Yet they're not laserproof. At all.
Stormtrooper 1: I know. Go fig.

[Yet another long freakin' pause.]

Stormtrooper 2: It's getting hard to breathe in here. I'm getting concerned for my health.
Stormtrooper 1: What *is* top gassing, anyway?
Stormtrooper 2: I dunno. You're the one who called it that.
Stormtrooper 1: I know, but that's just what I've heard it called.
Stormtrooper 2: You just repeating the same old drab lectures from Stormtrooper Academy, huh?
Stormtrooper 1: Yeah, guess so.
Stormtrooper 2: Typical stormtrooper attitude. We're all the same. Same exact outfits on each and every one of us. Same kind of lifeless responses to all sorts of questions. We're mere cogs in a giant machine. Hell, it's like we're all clones or something. Think about it.
Stormtrooper 1: Well you're no better.
Stormtrooper 2: Technically I am. I have plans to be bigger and better things.
Stormtrooper 1: Like...?
Stormtrooper 2: Technical officer. Maybe even a Star Destroyer controller.
Stormtrooper 1: Ooh, there's a step up in the gene pool. What's so different about that? You'd still be a face in the crowd, still be dressed like the next 20 people next to you.
Stormtrooper 2: Well at least my face would be showing.
Stormtrooper 1: I've seen it. It's nothing to be impressed about.
Stormtrooper 2: The hell, man!
Stormtrooper 1: I just can't see why it'd be that important to you.
Stormtrooper 2: It's an ego thing.
Stormtrooper 1: I can tell you one thing...*cough cough*...without a mask, that ego'd do no good from protecting you from these toxic fumes...
Stormtrooper 2: You do have a point there. [pause] Is this room changing color?
Stormtrooper 1: No. This is not good. We should report this.
Stormtrooper 2: Why? It's nothing that serious.
Stormtrooper 1: Well the chief did say to give a regular report.
Stormtrooper 2: And just what would we say? "Sir, it smells of ass down here. Request we abandon the station." Is that what you want to say?

[Pause]

Stormtrooper 1: Just imagine Tarkin's face if we did abandon the station because of one of the thousands of chambers smells like farts...

[Pause]

Stormtrooper 1: Y'know, that's almost worth getting Vader choked. I'm game.
Stormtrooper 2: There we go, man. Good for you. You've taken your first step into a larger world. Let's roll.

[The troopers abandon their post and run down a side corridor, activiating their comlinks on the way. Some distance down the main corridor, however, Ben Kenobi lies almost motionless on the ground, coughing and hacking for air.]

Ben: Damn Force...*hack hack*...I meant topgassing...not...*cough cough*...outgassing...! [falls down the shaft, dies, trilogy goes off track and ends with Jar-Jar winning or something]

*fin*