The year is 33 AD.
March or so.
Early on a Sunday morning.
Just outside Jersusalem.
Yeah, that's right. I'm doing exactly what you think I am right now.
[2 men in robes are walking down a dirt road, toward a solemn and dark place.]
Piett: Ok, so if we were supposed to be here TODAY, then why did we get here on Friday?
Herve: To see the sights, man.
Piett: That's incredibly insensitive.
Herve: It was a helluva sight, though.
Piett: I guess? ...but couldn't we have done SOMETHING?
Herve: Well, shooting lasers and gnawing on a bunch of old rabbis' throats seemed......excessive. Not sure they coulda edited that part out of the book. Plus I think the point to it all was that he HAD to die, for the peoples' sins and what not.
Piett: I'll never get that religious thing. That's why I pray to a flying spaghetti monster.
Herve: Wait, you've met Him and His dad, like, several times. And yet you still don't believe?
Piett: Oh, I do. But flying spaghetti monster presents much less drama. And it's a much tastier faith, too.
[Suddenly the men stop, and they behold their intended destination: on the side of a small hill lies a rock, covering a tomb. 2 guards sit beside it, protecting it from meddlers and outsiders.]
Piett: You ready t--
[Piett stops and sees that Herve is gone.]
Piett: Y'know, all this time and he's *never* used the fact that he's short to just run off unnoticed like this.
[Suddenly screams cry out ahead, and Piett looks out to see what he expected: Herve leaping about, killing the 2 guards in front of the boulder. Piett calmly walks toward the incident scene, as the guards fall down dead.]
Piett: You said you'd let me kill one.
Herve: Sorry. Got blood thirsty. Plus I hate prologues that go on too long.
Piett: Piett likes this comment.
Herve: What?
Piett: I'm gonna speak in Facebookisms now. Every so often. Comment? Like?
Herve: Herve dislikes this.
Piett: There is no dislike feature.
Herve: There fucking well should be.
[Piett pulls out a ray gun - seriously, a ray gun?! 175 plus stories and I don't think he's ever just whipped out a ray gun before now - and aims at the blocked entrance to the cave. He fires, and a green ray bursts out and envelopes the giant stone boulder. Within seconds, it is completely vaporized, and the 2 quantum agents enter the cave, where they behold......absolute fucking blasphemy.]
Herve: Ho. Lee. Shit.
[Piett and Herve, who were expecting to see what they are now viewing but are still amazed to see it, gaze upon several men - one of whom is none other than WALT DISNEY himself - putting the finishing touches on an animatronic version of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.]
Walt Disney: Motherfucker!
Piett: Whoa! Disney just swore!
Walt Disney: Ludwig! Tuck! Kill them!
[2 men - one a crazed looking mad scientist and the other appearing to be dressed as a medieval age friar - lunge at Piett and Herve and attack. But without taking their stunned gaze off Disney, they quickly dispatch and kill Ludwig and Tuck.]
Walt Disney: MOTHERFUCKER!
Herve: Dude, you gotta stop saying that. You're totally killing my childhood here.
Walt Disney: You cannot stop me! You cannot stop my destiny!
[Disney grabs a bag from his pocket, grabs contents from within and then blows it out of the palm of his hand. A fine cloud of....pixie dust?....divides him from Piett & Herve.]
Walt Disney: I must retreat and live to fight another day! For behold, I have achieved the art of TIME TRAVEL!
[A bright shimmer through the cloud of dust appears, and Disney promptly and magically disappears. The cloud dissipates as Piett and Herve still stand in their same positions, still shocked at what has just transpired.]
Piett [talking as if Disney was still there]: Uh, did it occur to you that a guy with a freakin' ray gun probably achieved time travel TOO?!?!
Herve: He's gone, dude. Relax.
Piett: I can't relax. I can't actually believe we just saw this.
Herve: Cosmos and Chronos did warn us, with great detail, that what we just saw happen was actually what we'd see happen.
Piett: But......but.......but it's Walt Disney!
Herve: I know.
Piett: He brought joy and wonderment to billions of people!
Herve: Exarctly.
Piett: He's shaped the minds of children all over the world! And he....he....he was building a fake Jesus!!
Herve: To alter and change religion itself, obviously. Skewing it toward his control, giving himself a fanbase that spread across centuries. Centuries that spanned all before he was ever born, so that by the time of his birth he was already a prophetic god-like being greater than any deity that's ever existed. [pause] It's all pretty impressive, really.
Piett: "Impressive?"
Herve: You have to admire that kinda vision. I wish more of our foes had it, instead of just being silly gimmicks or overly complex mindfucks that are easily beaten.
Piett: So we go stop him, yes?
Herve: Well obviously. Now that we ruined the best part of his plan, we have no choice. He's no fun anymore, really.
[Pause]
Herve: And a ray gun? Really?
Piett: It looked neat. And I thought it'd fit in nicely in fighting the guy who created Tomorrowland and Epcot Center.
Herve: If you make me dress up like a sailor duck with no pants on, I will kick your dick off.
Piett: And here I thought you'd *never* need a reason to NOT take your pants off.
[Piett clicks his belt buckle, and a portal opens which consumes them both. They depart......while the animatronic version of Jesus Christ still stands in the crypt. Some moments pass, until someone walks in....]
Jesus Christ: Ok, so I've got the sandals, I've got my robes. [looks at his hands] Guh. I'm gonna have to deal with these pesky hand holes for a few more weeks to...SWEET ME!!! [pause] Is....is that me? Is that what I LOOK LIKE?!? [longer pause] Damn, I look good.
[Suddenly a portal opens behind him.]
Walt Disney: Ooh, such vanity from MY disciple!
Jesus: Huh?
[A swift punch to the face lays the Son of God low. Disney quickly activates his animatronic figure, grabs the real Jesus in his arms, and with a wicked smile on his face fades out of site - by TIME TRAVEL!]
Walt Disney: Idiot "time travellers" should've seen this happening. Now I shall RULE THE WORLD!!! [disappears]
Animatronic Jesus [flickers to life]: I.....function....I.....I......my children, I have returned to you, to spread the word of my father. Hallowed by the name of My Father.....Walt Disney.....for someday, He shall come to you and ye shall love him and honor him like no other.....prepare this world for him....and you shall know peace for all the days of man....
*to be continued!!*
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
There's Nothing Wrong with the Number 25.
[Prologue: In a hidden dark lair - possibly the Death Star, possibly Washington DC, possibly someplace else where awful things are being plotted - 2 figures sit in a darkened room.....because apparently I can't have evil people hang out in a park or something, it always has to be "a darkened scary obviously creepy place".....]
Former Vice President Dick Cheney: Excellent, excellent.....all is going according to plan.
CNN's Lester Holt: Yes, master.
Dick Cheney: ...no, don't...don't call me that. It sounds racist.
CNN's Lester Holt: Why?
Dick Cheney: Well.....[points in his general direction] you're a black fella, there. My kind have had problems with you guys in the past.
CNN's Lester Holt: White people?
Dick Cheney: No, Republicans. Never mind. Is the master plan prepared?
CNN's Lester Holt: Yes, ma......n. Yes. I have assembled our allies and we are prepared to strike!
Dick Cheney: Good...
CNN's Lester Holt: Behold, the Hatemongers Association rollcall!
Dick Cheney: Heh?
Evil Susan B. Anthony!
Evil Susan B. Anthony: Stay in the kitchen, bitches!
The Godmother!
The Godmother: I will make him a pie he cannot refuse.
The Faceless Man!
Faceless Man: [says nothing, because he has no face, but instead flails his arms about in a panic]
A Nazi dressed up as Disney's Robin Hood!
Nazi Robin Hood: Mfgmstgjwgrfhtlr!
CNN's Lester Holt: See, he's in that big Disney costume so you can't hear him--
Dick Cheney: I get it.
Mike Rotch and Ben Dover!
Mike Rotch: I've heard enough people make dick jokes about my name that turned me EVIL!
Ben Dover: Y'know, I don't really mind my name actually. But I'm a Scientologist, though, so......that's why I'm here.
The Incredible Rawr!
The IncrediblWE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS INTERUPPTION BUT THIS CHARACTER IS CLEARLY A CHEAP KNOCKOFF OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK AND IS THUS A VIOLATION OF COPYRIGHT LAW. IT WILL BE REMOVED FROM THIS STORY FORTH........WAIT, NO ONE IS REALLY EVEN READING THIS ANYWAY? OH.....OKAY THEN, CARRY ONe Rawr: Big! Strong! Smash! Simplistic dialogue! RAWR!
The White Terrorist!
The Terrorist: I love my freedoms and peace-loving religion in all the wrong ways! Haha, CONTROVERSIAL!
Ralph Kramden from the Honeymooners!
Ralph Kramden: I'll punch you in the face, Alice, and be famous for threatening to beat my wife!
Those 2 racist robots from Transformers 2: Revenge of the This Movie Fucking Blew!
[Pause]
Dick Cheney: They're not saying anything.
CNN's Lester Holt: We removed their voice boxes. They're THAT offensive.
The Mythbuster!
Mythbuster: I used to be a ghostbuster until I realized it was all special effects. And then I saw Ghostbusters 2. Fuck you twice, Ivan Reitman!
The Stereotype!
The Stereotype: .......ok, I'm not really able to use my powers unless I know what I'm mocking. I'm a pretty blank slate without instruction.
No time for that now, dick! Zombie Eleanor Rigby!
Zombie Eleanor Rigby: Look at all the lovely people...AND THEIR BRAINS!!!
The Hangman's Noose!
Dick Cheney: Wait, that's just a rope tied in a noose sitting on the table.
CNN's Lester Holt: Erm, we had some contractual differences with the Hangman, and he just stormed off without his noose. So we figured, what the hell.
The Aluminum Man!
Aluminum Man: Not as impressive as Iron Man, I know, but at least I'm sober.
A guy who looks like George Lucas but isn't!
Not George Lucas: I didn't direct Star Wars, but I did direct Howard the Duck!!
Dick Cheney: Ugh!
The amnesiac Mirror Universe version of Rasputin!
Rasputin: Where's my beard?!?
Dick Cheney: He's a conundrum, that one.
CNN's Lester Holt: No, he is.
The Lazy Conundrum!
The Lazy Conundrum: Nothing I do or think makes sense and I don't give a shit!
Jim and Barbara Loomis!
Dick Cheney: They seem normal.
CNN's Lester Holt: No, his name is Barbara and her name is Jim.
Dick Cheney: GUH!
The Cereal Killer!
[The Cereal Killer says nothing, but just coldly lifts up the severed head of Dig 'Em the Honey Smacks frog.]
And Lucy Ferr!
Lucy Ferr: Wait, what the hell am I doing here?
[With the entire Hatemongers Association finally announced, there is a great pause.]
....GREAT PAUSE....
[Then suddenly Dick Cheney pulls out a tommy gun and shoots the entire group of villains dead in their seats. Blood and gore and screams and tits everywhere. Even the Hangman's Noose gets a few right in the knot. Finally, all 23 people are dead.]
CNN's Lester Holt: What did you do?!?
Dick Cheney: I hate these kinds of things. Giant groups of miscellaneous and hackneed villains, led by one or two mastermind characters who have absolutely no reason to be associated with any of them.
CNN's Lester Holt: But.....but that would make us....make YOU....that kind of mastermind character!
Dick Cheney: I also hate it when the underling of the 2 makes a revelation that damages the partnership irrevocably....
[He aims the tommy gun at CNN's Lester Holt and shoots him dead as well.]
Dick Cheney.....and I hate it when he ends up being absolutely right.
[Dick Cheney takes the gun, puts it in his mouth, and pulls the trigger.]
*******
[Within the very nice and comfortable confines of the palace of Cosmos and Chronos: masters of space and time (respectively). The 2 Quantum agents, Firmus Piett and Herve Villechaize, sit on a sofa while watching E! Entertainment Television. They look physically ill.]
Herve: Who gives a ridalin addicted thief and her dimmer-than-ass sisters their own television show? Even I'm not that godless. And I'm pretty godless.
Piett: This is....just awful. I don't care what these people or famous people or those fucking Jersey Twilight Housewife bastards are doing or consider important at all. God, if I sit in front of this swill any longer, my soul will get sucked right out of me and into the television.
Herve: You should watch out, I've heard there are evil TV's out there that feed on human emotion like that.
Piett: Pfeh. That's just stupid.
Herve: I read it on a blog, man.
Piett: Whomever came up with that is just a god damned moron. Seriously. They should have their head crushed under the back tires of a school bus. I feel sick just being in the same room that statement was made in.
[Piett goes to stand up, when suddenly Chronos enters the room in a frenzy.]
Chronos: OH MY GOD YOUR WIFE IS DEAD!!!!
Herve: My wife?! My God! I.....I thought she already was dead!
[Pause]
Herve: Ooh, is this gonna be a zombie adventure??
[Longer pause]
Herve: Oh......oh shit, you're not actually talking to me, are you?
Chronos: No, I was talking to Piett.
Piett: Wait, what? My wife? Lucy?
Chronos: Yes. She's dead, and--
Piett: Isn't she already dead?
Herve: Yeah, I seem to remember that.
Chronos: Dead already? Nonsense! She just died now!
[Pause]
Piett: Ooh, are we not in the part of the timeline when she died for good? The part after Chronos went all insidous and brilliantly evil and then got killed himself?
Chronos: Wait wha who buh??
Herve: Wait a tic, shouldn't he know this? Master of time and all?
Piett: I think the "master" bit has always been just a title only.
[Piett and Herve look back at Chronos, who as he picks his nose and inspects his finger, wonders if he should consume it...]
Piett: Yeah. An empty title.
[Not wanting to know what the results of Chronos' nasal expedition are, Piett and Herve leap up from their comfy sofa and bound off to the main chambers of the mansion. There sits Cosmos, examining and monitoring his numerous television windows into the multitude of universes.]
Herve: Dude, Cosmos must have no soul at all staring at all those evil TVs.
Piett: STOP IT!
Cosmos: Ah, you're here. I suppose you've heard the news.
Piett: Yeah, apparently my wife's dead or something?
Cosmos: Indeed. But not just her. 24 other people you've encountered over the years are all dead as well.
Herve: 25, huh? That number is.....stunningly dangerous to me now.
Piett: Really?
Herve: Nah. It's just a number. If it were an age, it would be STILL INCREDIBLY AND WONDERFULLY YOUNG.
Piett: Volume control, asshole.
Herve: Sorry.
Cosmos: Regardless, 25 people are dead, including YOUR wife, Piett!
Piett: But should I really complain? Decent sex, sure, but she *was* the sister of the devil.
Chronos: "Decent?"
Piett: It.....[sighs]......to be honest, it was getting less spectacular and more lackluster as time went on. Plus I'm kinda over the whole redhead thing.
Herve: Seriously?? So no more redheads? Not even....[gasps]....Doctor Who's Amy Pond?
[All 4 stop and kinda swoon.]
Piett: No, no! No more redheads. Probably going go for blonde.....or brownish blonde.....
[Another great pause, as Piett just stands still and silent.]
Chronos: He go braindead, finally?
Piett: This......this makes no sense.
Herve: Of course it doesn't. It never has made any sense.
Piett: No, I mean--
Herve: So who else are we looking at here, Cosmos?
Cosmos: Numerous people you've encountered over the years.
[Cosmos immediately waves his hand, and the faces of 25 people appear on the television screens before them. There is a pause.]
Piett: I don't recognize any of those people.
Chronos: Really? Even your wife?
Piett: Well of course I recognize her.
Herve: I don't see her.
Piett: It's the picture with just her rack. I'd know those monsters anywhere.
[Herve and Chronos stare for a few moments at that image, then with Piett they move their eyes toward Cosmos.]
Cosmos: What. [pause] So I like tits. I'm not apologizing for that.
Herve: Oh Cosmos, you scamp. [laughs in a silly sitcom manner] But seriously, she's dead and that's just wrong. Give it at least a few minutes, man.
Piett: Who are these other people??
Herve: Well, there's......er.....and......um, the guy with the face there, don't forget him....uh.....
Cosmos: Wait, you forgot who all these people are? Or no, wait, maybe the guy writing this forgot them?
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Herve: Well that's odd. Usually those squiggly ASCII signs show up, Walsh pops in and says something snarky as he was reacting to us, and then it comes back to us as we kinda don't acknowledge he shows up.
Piett: We really don't remember these people. [to Cosmos] Do *you* remember them?
Cosmos: This isn't about me, Firmus, it's about--
Piett: HYPOCRITE!
Herve: So we have to investigate the deaths of 25 people we apparently knew or didn't know?
Chronos: 24 and your wife, Piett.
Piett & Herve: WE KNOW!
Herve: Ugh, this isn't another rewriting reality adventure to cover up Walsh's own memory gaps, is it? I fucking hate those.
Piett: Ok, hold on. I tried to say it earlier, but you interuppted me, but I'm starting to see something here...
Herve: The crap we've been engulfed in for the last 15 years or so?
Piett: Already used to that. No, there's....something else here. Something........strange.
Herve: Strange or stupid?
Piett [ponders]:..........both.
Herve: Well, at least that story element is still intact.
Piett: I know how to test this. [yells] Fourth World!
[Suddenly BOOM!! a Boom Tube opens up, and out leaps Darkseid the Dark God of Apokalips. He is a large white man, wearing a black robe and kinda looking like Emperor Palpatine. A few moments pass; in fact one could describe it as a...]
....GREAT PAUSE....
[Until finally...]
Piett: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!?
Darkseid: I'm Darkseid. Don't you recognize me?
Herve: You are NOT Darkseid!! He looks nothing like this! What IS happening here?!?
Piett: Oh Gods of Kobol, tell me this isn't what I dread it is...
Herve: What?! What do you dread?!
[Suddenly reality all around them begins to shimmer and flicker. Cosmos, Chronos, the mansion, Darkseid......within a confused flash, they all dissipate as the 2 quantum heroes suddenly find themselves in a residential home bedroom, far from where they thought they once were. They look on in horror as the reality of their grim situation becomes quite clear, as Piett points at what his dreadful prediction is: they see a young blonde woman, sitting, writing.......THIS.]
Piett: .......OH MY GOD SOMEONE OTHER THAN WALSH AND PONTE IS WRITING THIS STORY!!!!
Herve: AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!!
[Herve, grabbing his hair in reaction to his hideous revelation, screams, runs and jumps out a window. Piett is terrified at the apparent syndication of Quantum Piett, but stops and thinks.]
Piett: I think this may be the first time Herve has screamed in abject horror in the presence of a legit hot girl.
Girl: Curses! I've lost control of the story!
Piett: Aha! We've....foiled your plot? [confused] Have we?
Smashley: Dammit, how am I supposed to know what some obscure comic book villain that Sean only knows looks like?!
Piett: Wikipedia! And forget this banter, who the HELL are you?!?
Girl: My name is Smashley!
[Pause]
Piett: "Smashley?" Who names their kid "Smashley?"
Smashley: With your companion out of the way, it's time for my master plan to unfold!
Piett: But I foiled it already! Didn't I? Blast!
Smashley: My master plan, Mr. Piett.....is YOU!
Piett: Wha?
Smashley: I want you, Firmus Piett!
[Piett looks around, confused. He turns back, and points to himself questionably.]
Smashley: I'm obsessed with you, with everything you do and are! I've read all your stories!
Piett: Even Ponte's stories?
Smashley: Even Ponte's.
Herve [crawling back up the side of the house]: AHHHHH!!!! [falls]
Smashley: I even have an altar to you....look!
[Smashley runs and opens her closet, and Piett is shocked to indeed see an altar adorned with photos of Piett, lit candles (that has to be a safety concern) and what appears to be the tattered remains of a dead hooker sacrifice.]
Piett: Oh, that poor dead hooker...I'll bet she was one of those who was legit looking to get out of the business and advance her life, too. [a tear comes to his eye]
Smashley: Forget the dead hooker! It's YOU I need to have!!
[Smashley suddenly lunges at Piett, and he screams and runs. They run around the room in a circle like a Benny Hill skit, jumping over furniture and what not. At one point, she grabs one of the dead hooker's arm and heaves it at him; he catches it and sobs a little more for her. But finally, after much pointlessness has been achieved, Piett stops.]
Piett: Wait a minute......this girl is freakin' hot. Why the hell am I fighting this???
[He slows down and Smashley tackles him, where they both land on the bed. She pulls off all his clothing, then hers, and then....well, you can guess...]
*******
[Moments later, Herve crawls back up toward and into the window, but freezes in place as he sees what is happening before him.]
Herve: GOOD LORD!!! I've wandered into a porno! [pause] Wait, that's the chick.....AND PIETT?!? [pause] Holy shit, he's really going to town on that girl. Give it to her, man, go! WOO!! [pause] Wait....why does Piett look like Walsh? [pause] Is she MAKING him look like that? Or.....oh God, has he ALWAYS meant to look like Walsh?!? [not-so-great pause] AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! [grabs his eyes, and a loss of balance sends him falling out the window again]
*******
[Some time later.....minutes, hours, days? how long can he go for?!.....Herve and Piett are quitely walking down the street. They say nothing for the longest time.]
Herve: So are we talking about this?
Piett: I tend not to talk about my conquests.
Herve: Oh you are such a liar. SPILL.
Piett: It was.......really damn good.
Herve: Evidently. You even turned into Walsh there for a second.
Piett: That still creeps me out.
Herve: She certainly enjoyed it. That was some good high quality sex.
[Pause]
Herve: .....although killing her certainly deducted a few points.
Piett: Ugh, this is why I didn't want to talk about it.
Herve: Why DID you kill her?
Piett: I didn't mean to!! I mean....I *did* tell her I don't.....you know....release well....
Herve: And now we know what happens when you do, it seems. Lethal semen. [shudders] Wait, didn't you have a kid at one point? [shrugs] Oh well. At least we didn't have to drag the body far.
Piett: Did you have to actually drag her?
Herve: It's an interesting visual.
Piett: "Interesting." More like "disturbing beyond fucking belief."
Herve: More disturbing than burying her in a makeshift grave in that cemetery near her house?
Piett: There was an empty grave already dug, like, 10 feet away, man. You could've just--
Herve: A man like me doesn't pass up the chance to dig a makeshift grave. EVER.
[Pause]
Piett: What a dark ending.
Herve: Oh, come on. You know how fantastically bizarre our adventures are. No one ever stays dead for long...[aside]...then again, no one reads them either.
Piett: One person did. [sighs] One person did....
[As the two walk away into the darkness, we pan back - let's pretend this is a movie for a moment - to the cemetery, and the makeshift grave of Smashley. As a terribly cliched lightning bolt and thunder suddenly erupt in the background, an arm bursts through the ground, and its fist shakes vociferously in the air.]
*to be continued?!?!?*
Piett: No.
Herve: No.
Piett: Definitely don't.
Herve: World of hurt there, my friend.
Piett: No.
Herve: Just.....just no...
*fin*
Herve: Better...
Former Vice President Dick Cheney: Excellent, excellent.....all is going according to plan.
CNN's Lester Holt: Yes, master.
Dick Cheney: ...no, don't...don't call me that. It sounds racist.
CNN's Lester Holt: Why?
Dick Cheney: Well.....[points in his general direction] you're a black fella, there. My kind have had problems with you guys in the past.
CNN's Lester Holt: White people?
Dick Cheney: No, Republicans. Never mind. Is the master plan prepared?
CNN's Lester Holt: Yes, ma......n. Yes. I have assembled our allies and we are prepared to strike!
Dick Cheney: Good...
CNN's Lester Holt: Behold, the Hatemongers Association rollcall!
Dick Cheney: Heh?
Evil Susan B. Anthony!
Evil Susan B. Anthony: Stay in the kitchen, bitches!
The Godmother!
The Godmother: I will make him a pie he cannot refuse.
The Faceless Man!
Faceless Man: [says nothing, because he has no face, but instead flails his arms about in a panic]
A Nazi dressed up as Disney's Robin Hood!
Nazi Robin Hood: Mfgmstgjwgrfhtlr!
CNN's Lester Holt: See, he's in that big Disney costume so you can't hear him--
Dick Cheney: I get it.
Mike Rotch and Ben Dover!
Mike Rotch: I've heard enough people make dick jokes about my name that turned me EVIL!
Ben Dover: Y'know, I don't really mind my name actually. But I'm a Scientologist, though, so......that's why I'm here.
The Incredible Rawr!
The IncrediblWE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS INTERUPPTION BUT THIS CHARACTER IS CLEARLY A CHEAP KNOCKOFF OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK AND IS THUS A VIOLATION OF COPYRIGHT LAW. IT WILL BE REMOVED FROM THIS STORY FORTH........WAIT, NO ONE IS REALLY EVEN READING THIS ANYWAY? OH.....OKAY THEN, CARRY ONe Rawr: Big! Strong! Smash! Simplistic dialogue! RAWR!
The White Terrorist!
The Terrorist: I love my freedoms and peace-loving religion in all the wrong ways! Haha, CONTROVERSIAL!
Ralph Kramden from the Honeymooners!
Ralph Kramden: I'll punch you in the face, Alice, and be famous for threatening to beat my wife!
Those 2 racist robots from Transformers 2: Revenge of the This Movie Fucking Blew!
[Pause]
Dick Cheney: They're not saying anything.
CNN's Lester Holt: We removed their voice boxes. They're THAT offensive.
The Mythbuster!
Mythbuster: I used to be a ghostbuster until I realized it was all special effects. And then I saw Ghostbusters 2. Fuck you twice, Ivan Reitman!
The Stereotype!
The Stereotype: .......ok, I'm not really able to use my powers unless I know what I'm mocking. I'm a pretty blank slate without instruction.
No time for that now, dick! Zombie Eleanor Rigby!
Zombie Eleanor Rigby: Look at all the lovely people...AND THEIR BRAINS!!!
The Hangman's Noose!
Dick Cheney: Wait, that's just a rope tied in a noose sitting on the table.
CNN's Lester Holt: Erm, we had some contractual differences with the Hangman, and he just stormed off without his noose. So we figured, what the hell.
The Aluminum Man!
Aluminum Man: Not as impressive as Iron Man, I know, but at least I'm sober.
A guy who looks like George Lucas but isn't!
Not George Lucas: I didn't direct Star Wars, but I did direct Howard the Duck!!
Dick Cheney: Ugh!
The amnesiac Mirror Universe version of Rasputin!
Rasputin: Where's my beard?!?
Dick Cheney: He's a conundrum, that one.
CNN's Lester Holt: No, he is.
The Lazy Conundrum!
The Lazy Conundrum: Nothing I do or think makes sense and I don't give a shit!
Jim and Barbara Loomis!
Dick Cheney: They seem normal.
CNN's Lester Holt: No, his name is Barbara and her name is Jim.
Dick Cheney: GUH!
The Cereal Killer!
[The Cereal Killer says nothing, but just coldly lifts up the severed head of Dig 'Em the Honey Smacks frog.]
And Lucy Ferr!
Lucy Ferr: Wait, what the hell am I doing here?
[With the entire Hatemongers Association finally announced, there is a great pause.]
....GREAT PAUSE....
[Then suddenly Dick Cheney pulls out a tommy gun and shoots the entire group of villains dead in their seats. Blood and gore and screams and tits everywhere. Even the Hangman's Noose gets a few right in the knot. Finally, all 23 people are dead.]
CNN's Lester Holt: What did you do?!?
Dick Cheney: I hate these kinds of things. Giant groups of miscellaneous and hackneed villains, led by one or two mastermind characters who have absolutely no reason to be associated with any of them.
CNN's Lester Holt: But.....but that would make us....make YOU....that kind of mastermind character!
Dick Cheney: I also hate it when the underling of the 2 makes a revelation that damages the partnership irrevocably....
[He aims the tommy gun at CNN's Lester Holt and shoots him dead as well.]
Dick Cheney.....and I hate it when he ends up being absolutely right.
[Dick Cheney takes the gun, puts it in his mouth, and pulls the trigger.]
*******
[Within the very nice and comfortable confines of the palace of Cosmos and Chronos: masters of space and time (respectively). The 2 Quantum agents, Firmus Piett and Herve Villechaize, sit on a sofa while watching E! Entertainment Television. They look physically ill.]
Herve: Who gives a ridalin addicted thief and her dimmer-than-ass sisters their own television show? Even I'm not that godless. And I'm pretty godless.
Piett: This is....just awful. I don't care what these people or famous people or those fucking Jersey Twilight Housewife bastards are doing or consider important at all. God, if I sit in front of this swill any longer, my soul will get sucked right out of me and into the television.
Herve: You should watch out, I've heard there are evil TV's out there that feed on human emotion like that.
Piett: Pfeh. That's just stupid.
Herve: I read it on a blog, man.
Piett: Whomever came up with that is just a god damned moron. Seriously. They should have their head crushed under the back tires of a school bus. I feel sick just being in the same room that statement was made in.
[Piett goes to stand up, when suddenly Chronos enters the room in a frenzy.]
Chronos: OH MY GOD YOUR WIFE IS DEAD!!!!
Herve: My wife?! My God! I.....I thought she already was dead!
[Pause]
Herve: Ooh, is this gonna be a zombie adventure??
[Longer pause]
Herve: Oh......oh shit, you're not actually talking to me, are you?
Chronos: No, I was talking to Piett.
Piett: Wait, what? My wife? Lucy?
Chronos: Yes. She's dead, and--
Piett: Isn't she already dead?
Herve: Yeah, I seem to remember that.
Chronos: Dead already? Nonsense! She just died now!
[Pause]
Piett: Ooh, are we not in the part of the timeline when she died for good? The part after Chronos went all insidous and brilliantly evil and then got killed himself?
Chronos: Wait wha who buh??
Herve: Wait a tic, shouldn't he know this? Master of time and all?
Piett: I think the "master" bit has always been just a title only.
[Piett and Herve look back at Chronos, who as he picks his nose and inspects his finger, wonders if he should consume it...]
Piett: Yeah. An empty title.
[Not wanting to know what the results of Chronos' nasal expedition are, Piett and Herve leap up from their comfy sofa and bound off to the main chambers of the mansion. There sits Cosmos, examining and monitoring his numerous television windows into the multitude of universes.]
Herve: Dude, Cosmos must have no soul at all staring at all those evil TVs.
Piett: STOP IT!
Cosmos: Ah, you're here. I suppose you've heard the news.
Piett: Yeah, apparently my wife's dead or something?
Cosmos: Indeed. But not just her. 24 other people you've encountered over the years are all dead as well.
Herve: 25, huh? That number is.....stunningly dangerous to me now.
Piett: Really?
Herve: Nah. It's just a number. If it were an age, it would be STILL INCREDIBLY AND WONDERFULLY YOUNG.
Piett: Volume control, asshole.
Herve: Sorry.
Cosmos: Regardless, 25 people are dead, including YOUR wife, Piett!
Piett: But should I really complain? Decent sex, sure, but she *was* the sister of the devil.
Chronos: "Decent?"
Piett: It.....[sighs]......to be honest, it was getting less spectacular and more lackluster as time went on. Plus I'm kinda over the whole redhead thing.
Herve: Seriously?? So no more redheads? Not even....[gasps]....Doctor Who's Amy Pond?
[All 4 stop and kinda swoon.]
Piett: No, no! No more redheads. Probably going go for blonde.....or brownish blonde.....
[Another great pause, as Piett just stands still and silent.]
Chronos: He go braindead, finally?
Piett: This......this makes no sense.
Herve: Of course it doesn't. It never has made any sense.
Piett: No, I mean--
Herve: So who else are we looking at here, Cosmos?
Cosmos: Numerous people you've encountered over the years.
[Cosmos immediately waves his hand, and the faces of 25 people appear on the television screens before them. There is a pause.]
Piett: I don't recognize any of those people.
Chronos: Really? Even your wife?
Piett: Well of course I recognize her.
Herve: I don't see her.
Piett: It's the picture with just her rack. I'd know those monsters anywhere.
[Herve and Chronos stare for a few moments at that image, then with Piett they move their eyes toward Cosmos.]
Cosmos: What. [pause] So I like tits. I'm not apologizing for that.
Herve: Oh Cosmos, you scamp. [laughs in a silly sitcom manner] But seriously, she's dead and that's just wrong. Give it at least a few minutes, man.
Piett: Who are these other people??
Herve: Well, there's......er.....and......um, the guy with the face there, don't forget him....uh.....
Cosmos: Wait, you forgot who all these people are? Or no, wait, maybe the guy writing this forgot them?
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Herve: Well that's odd. Usually those squiggly ASCII signs show up, Walsh pops in and says something snarky as he was reacting to us, and then it comes back to us as we kinda don't acknowledge he shows up.
Piett: We really don't remember these people. [to Cosmos] Do *you* remember them?
Cosmos: This isn't about me, Firmus, it's about--
Piett: HYPOCRITE!
Herve: So we have to investigate the deaths of 25 people we apparently knew or didn't know?
Chronos: 24 and your wife, Piett.
Piett & Herve: WE KNOW!
Herve: Ugh, this isn't another rewriting reality adventure to cover up Walsh's own memory gaps, is it? I fucking hate those.
Piett: Ok, hold on. I tried to say it earlier, but you interuppted me, but I'm starting to see something here...
Herve: The crap we've been engulfed in for the last 15 years or so?
Piett: Already used to that. No, there's....something else here. Something........strange.
Herve: Strange or stupid?
Piett [ponders]:..........both.
Herve: Well, at least that story element is still intact.
Piett: I know how to test this. [yells] Fourth World!
[Suddenly BOOM!! a Boom Tube opens up, and out leaps Darkseid the Dark God of Apokalips. He is a large white man, wearing a black robe and kinda looking like Emperor Palpatine. A few moments pass; in fact one could describe it as a...]
....GREAT PAUSE....
[Until finally...]
Piett: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!?
Darkseid: I'm Darkseid. Don't you recognize me?
Herve: You are NOT Darkseid!! He looks nothing like this! What IS happening here?!?
Piett: Oh Gods of Kobol, tell me this isn't what I dread it is...
Herve: What?! What do you dread?!
[Suddenly reality all around them begins to shimmer and flicker. Cosmos, Chronos, the mansion, Darkseid......within a confused flash, they all dissipate as the 2 quantum heroes suddenly find themselves in a residential home bedroom, far from where they thought they once were. They look on in horror as the reality of their grim situation becomes quite clear, as Piett points at what his dreadful prediction is: they see a young blonde woman, sitting, writing.......THIS.]
Piett: .......OH MY GOD SOMEONE OTHER THAN WALSH AND PONTE IS WRITING THIS STORY!!!!
Herve: AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!!
[Herve, grabbing his hair in reaction to his hideous revelation, screams, runs and jumps out a window. Piett is terrified at the apparent syndication of Quantum Piett, but stops and thinks.]
Piett: I think this may be the first time Herve has screamed in abject horror in the presence of a legit hot girl.
Girl: Curses! I've lost control of the story!
Piett: Aha! We've....foiled your plot? [confused] Have we?
Smashley: Dammit, how am I supposed to know what some obscure comic book villain that Sean only knows looks like?!
Piett: Wikipedia! And forget this banter, who the HELL are you?!?
Girl: My name is Smashley!
[Pause]
Piett: "Smashley?" Who names their kid "Smashley?"
Smashley: With your companion out of the way, it's time for my master plan to unfold!
Piett: But I foiled it already! Didn't I? Blast!
Smashley: My master plan, Mr. Piett.....is YOU!
Piett: Wha?
Smashley: I want you, Firmus Piett!
[Piett looks around, confused. He turns back, and points to himself questionably.]
Smashley: I'm obsessed with you, with everything you do and are! I've read all your stories!
Piett: Even Ponte's stories?
Smashley: Even Ponte's.
Herve [crawling back up the side of the house]: AHHHHH!!!! [falls]
Smashley: I even have an altar to you....look!
[Smashley runs and opens her closet, and Piett is shocked to indeed see an altar adorned with photos of Piett, lit candles (that has to be a safety concern) and what appears to be the tattered remains of a dead hooker sacrifice.]
Piett: Oh, that poor dead hooker...I'll bet she was one of those who was legit looking to get out of the business and advance her life, too. [a tear comes to his eye]
Smashley: Forget the dead hooker! It's YOU I need to have!!
[Smashley suddenly lunges at Piett, and he screams and runs. They run around the room in a circle like a Benny Hill skit, jumping over furniture and what not. At one point, she grabs one of the dead hooker's arm and heaves it at him; he catches it and sobs a little more for her. But finally, after much pointlessness has been achieved, Piett stops.]
Piett: Wait a minute......this girl is freakin' hot. Why the hell am I fighting this???
[He slows down and Smashley tackles him, where they both land on the bed. She pulls off all his clothing, then hers, and then....well, you can guess...]
*******
[Moments later, Herve crawls back up toward and into the window, but freezes in place as he sees what is happening before him.]
Herve: GOOD LORD!!! I've wandered into a porno! [pause] Wait, that's the chick.....AND PIETT?!? [pause] Holy shit, he's really going to town on that girl. Give it to her, man, go! WOO!! [pause] Wait....why does Piett look like Walsh? [pause] Is she MAKING him look like that? Or.....oh God, has he ALWAYS meant to look like Walsh?!? [not-so-great pause] AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! [grabs his eyes, and a loss of balance sends him falling out the window again]
*******
[Some time later.....minutes, hours, days? how long can he go for?!.....Herve and Piett are quitely walking down the street. They say nothing for the longest time.]
Herve: So are we talking about this?
Piett: I tend not to talk about my conquests.
Herve: Oh you are such a liar. SPILL.
Piett: It was.......really damn good.
Herve: Evidently. You even turned into Walsh there for a second.
Piett: That still creeps me out.
Herve: She certainly enjoyed it. That was some good high quality sex.
[Pause]
Herve: .....although killing her certainly deducted a few points.
Piett: Ugh, this is why I didn't want to talk about it.
Herve: Why DID you kill her?
Piett: I didn't mean to!! I mean....I *did* tell her I don't.....you know....release well....
Herve: And now we know what happens when you do, it seems. Lethal semen. [shudders] Wait, didn't you have a kid at one point? [shrugs] Oh well. At least we didn't have to drag the body far.
Piett: Did you have to actually drag her?
Herve: It's an interesting visual.
Piett: "Interesting." More like "disturbing beyond fucking belief."
Herve: More disturbing than burying her in a makeshift grave in that cemetery near her house?
Piett: There was an empty grave already dug, like, 10 feet away, man. You could've just--
Herve: A man like me doesn't pass up the chance to dig a makeshift grave. EVER.
[Pause]
Piett: What a dark ending.
Herve: Oh, come on. You know how fantastically bizarre our adventures are. No one ever stays dead for long...[aside]...then again, no one reads them either.
Piett: One person did. [sighs] One person did....
[As the two walk away into the darkness, we pan back - let's pretend this is a movie for a moment - to the cemetery, and the makeshift grave of Smashley. As a terribly cliched lightning bolt and thunder suddenly erupt in the background, an arm bursts through the ground, and its fist shakes vociferously in the air.]
*to be continued?!?!?*
Piett: No.
Herve: No.
Piett: Definitely don't.
Herve: World of hurt there, my friend.
Piett: No.
Herve: Just.....just no...
*fin*
Herve: Better...
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