The year is 33 AD.
March or so.
Early on a Sunday morning.
Just outside Jersusalem.
Yeah, that's right. I'm doing exactly what you think I am right now.
[2 men in robes are walking down a dirt road, toward a solemn and dark place.]
Piett: Ok, so if we were supposed to be here TODAY, then why did we get here on Friday?
Herve: To see the sights, man.
Piett: That's incredibly insensitive.
Herve: It was a helluva sight, though.
Piett: I guess? ...but couldn't we have done SOMETHING?
Herve: Well, shooting lasers and gnawing on a bunch of old rabbis' throats seemed......excessive. Not sure they coulda edited that part out of the book. Plus I think the point to it all was that he HAD to die, for the peoples' sins and what not.
Piett: I'll never get that religious thing. That's why I pray to a flying spaghetti monster.
Herve: Wait, you've met Him and His dad, like, several times. And yet you still don't believe?
Piett: Oh, I do. But flying spaghetti monster presents much less drama. And it's a much tastier faith, too.
[Suddenly the men stop, and they behold their intended destination: on the side of a small hill lies a rock, covering a tomb. 2 guards sit beside it, protecting it from meddlers and outsiders.]
Piett: You ready t--
[Piett stops and sees that Herve is gone.]
Piett: Y'know, all this time and he's *never* used the fact that he's short to just run off unnoticed like this.
[Suddenly screams cry out ahead, and Piett looks out to see what he expected: Herve leaping about, killing the 2 guards in front of the boulder. Piett calmly walks toward the incident scene, as the guards fall down dead.]
Piett: You said you'd let me kill one.
Herve: Sorry. Got blood thirsty. Plus I hate prologues that go on too long.
Piett: Piett likes this comment.
Herve: What?
Piett: I'm gonna speak in Facebookisms now. Every so often. Comment? Like?
Herve: Herve dislikes this.
Piett: There is no dislike feature.
Herve: There fucking well should be.
[Piett pulls out a ray gun - seriously, a ray gun?! 175 plus stories and I don't think he's ever just whipped out a ray gun before now - and aims at the blocked entrance to the cave. He fires, and a green ray bursts out and envelopes the giant stone boulder. Within seconds, it is completely vaporized, and the 2 quantum agents enter the cave, where they behold......absolute fucking blasphemy.]
Herve: Ho. Lee. Shit.
[Piett and Herve, who were expecting to see what they are now viewing but are still amazed to see it, gaze upon several men - one of whom is none other than WALT DISNEY himself - putting the finishing touches on an animatronic version of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.]
Walt Disney: Motherfucker!
Piett: Whoa! Disney just swore!
Walt Disney: Ludwig! Tuck! Kill them!
[2 men - one a crazed looking mad scientist and the other appearing to be dressed as a medieval age friar - lunge at Piett and Herve and attack. But without taking their stunned gaze off Disney, they quickly dispatch and kill Ludwig and Tuck.]
Walt Disney: MOTHERFUCKER!
Herve: Dude, you gotta stop saying that. You're totally killing my childhood here.
Walt Disney: You cannot stop me! You cannot stop my destiny!
[Disney grabs a bag from his pocket, grabs contents from within and then blows it out of the palm of his hand. A fine cloud of....pixie dust?....divides him from Piett & Herve.]
Walt Disney: I must retreat and live to fight another day! For behold, I have achieved the art of TIME TRAVEL!
[A bright shimmer through the cloud of dust appears, and Disney promptly and magically disappears. The cloud dissipates as Piett and Herve still stand in their same positions, still shocked at what has just transpired.]
Piett [talking as if Disney was still there]: Uh, did it occur to you that a guy with a freakin' ray gun probably achieved time travel TOO?!?!
Herve: He's gone, dude. Relax.
Piett: I can't relax. I can't actually believe we just saw this.
Herve: Cosmos and Chronos did warn us, with great detail, that what we just saw happen was actually what we'd see happen.
Piett: But......but.......but it's Walt Disney!
Herve: I know.
Piett: He brought joy and wonderment to billions of people!
Herve: Exarctly.
Piett: He's shaped the minds of children all over the world! And he....he....he was building a fake Jesus!!
Herve: To alter and change religion itself, obviously. Skewing it toward his control, giving himself a fanbase that spread across centuries. Centuries that spanned all before he was ever born, so that by the time of his birth he was already a prophetic god-like being greater than any deity that's ever existed. [pause] It's all pretty impressive, really.
Piett: "Impressive?"
Herve: You have to admire that kinda vision. I wish more of our foes had it, instead of just being silly gimmicks or overly complex mindfucks that are easily beaten.
Piett: So we go stop him, yes?
Herve: Well obviously. Now that we ruined the best part of his plan, we have no choice. He's no fun anymore, really.
[Pause]
Herve: And a ray gun? Really?
Piett: It looked neat. And I thought it'd fit in nicely in fighting the guy who created Tomorrowland and Epcot Center.
Herve: If you make me dress up like a sailor duck with no pants on, I will kick your dick off.
Piett: And here I thought you'd *never* need a reason to NOT take your pants off.
[Piett clicks his belt buckle, and a portal opens which consumes them both. They depart......while the animatronic version of Jesus Christ still stands in the crypt. Some moments pass, until someone walks in....]
Jesus Christ: Ok, so I've got the sandals, I've got my robes. [looks at his hands] Guh. I'm gonna have to deal with these pesky hand holes for a few more weeks to...SWEET ME!!! [pause] Is....is that me? Is that what I LOOK LIKE?!? [longer pause] Damn, I look good.
[Suddenly a portal opens behind him.]
Walt Disney: Ooh, such vanity from MY disciple!
Jesus: Huh?
[A swift punch to the face lays the Son of God low. Disney quickly activates his animatronic figure, grabs the real Jesus in his arms, and with a wicked smile on his face fades out of site - by TIME TRAVEL!]
Walt Disney: Idiot "time travellers" should've seen this happening. Now I shall RULE THE WORLD!!! [disappears]
Animatronic Jesus [flickers to life]: I.....function....I.....I......my children, I have returned to you, to spread the word of my father. Hallowed by the name of My Father.....Walt Disney.....for someday, He shall come to you and ye shall love him and honor him like no other.....prepare this world for him....and you shall know peace for all the days of man....
*to be continued!!*
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