On April 30, 1945, amidst defeat at the hands of the Allied Forces and beneath the iron boot of the approaching Soviet army, German dictator and Nazi Fuhrer Adolf Hitler committed suicide in a hidden bunker beneath the city of Berlin.
When last seen by the eyes of man, he had entered a secluded room with his wife, Eva Braun. 20 minutes later, 2 shots were heard, and when the door was unsealed by his Nazi henchmen, Hitler and Braun were dead by their own hands.
No one has ever known the events that transpired in that room for those 20 minutes.
But this is what really happened.
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[translated from German]
Eva Braun: So.......I'm "going down" on you.
Adolf Hitler: Yes. I've heard Goebbels and Goring go on about it, but never experienced it before. Might as well try it now.
[Suddenly a flash of light overtakes the room, and both Hitler and Eva Braun are startled.]
Hitler: What the hell?!
Herve: Hiya HitLAAAAAHHHH!!!AAAAAHHHH!!!AAAAAHHHH!!!
Piett: Oh God, I just saw Hitler's junk, didn't I? DIDN'T I?!?
Hitler: Goebbels! Borrman! Get in here!! Help me!!
Piett: Don't bother screaming, Hitler. They can't hear you. We've slowed time to a crawl. All they may here over the course of the next few minutes is a very slow moan....which oddly enough is probably the sound you'd make when you're getting...[starts to gag, tries to puke, holds it on and coughs instead]
Eva Braun: So am I still doing this, Addy?
Piett, Herve and Hitler: NO YOU'RE NOT STILL DOING THIS!!!
Hitler: Who are you?!
Piett: We're time travellers.
Hitler: Really? Do I make it out of this somehow?
Piett: Oh....oh gosh, you SO don't...
Hitler: Rats.
Eva Braun: Seriously, Addy. You really got me hyped up for this since the wedding. I wanna do it. And if not on you, at least on one of them.
Piett: Can we do something about her? I don't really think she needs to be part of this.
Hitler: Oh, sure.
[Hitler takes his gun, aims and shoots Eva Braun in the head.]
Herve: Whoa! Well that was heartless. She was your wife AND willing to give free beejays. How could you?
Hitler: I'm fucking Hitler, what'd you expect? Besides, this [holds up the still smoking gun] was the point of coming in here in the first place.
Piett: Dude, please, we--
[Suddenly Adolf Hitler......powers down like a robot. There is silence for a few moments.]
Piett: What did I do?
Herve: You said it, man. You said the password.
Piett: I can't believe that's the password. So random yet simple.
Herve: Hey, Gaynes said that NO ONE ever called Hitler "dude," so it would've never come up and cause any problems in the first place.
[As they speak, Hitler begins to twitch and a sound of gears turning becomes slightly louder. Piett and Herve step back as Hitler's body suddenly splits in half at the waist. The torso and head tilt back while the legs still stand firm on the ground. Piett and Herve are somewhat surprised, but also of the demeanor that they saw this coming.]
Piett: How about that? Gaynes was right.
Herve: Yeah, it's.....YOU.
Verne Troyer: You couldn't have picked a worse time to make me do this, man.
[Indeed, within the body of Adolf Hitler sits midget actor Verne Troyer. He stands up from his pilot's seat situated within Hitler's waist and stretches himself out.]
Piett: Come on. Of all the moments in Hitler's life, these 20 minutes are the only point where we had total and complete access to him.
Verne Troyer: So Gaynes let me know you were coming. I knew ever since this whole project began you'd be here. Frackin' time travel. Good thing you did, too, this body's been breaking down and getting all twitchy for a few years now, with no good way of fixin' it.
Piett: Project?
Verne Troyer: Yeah. No formal name, just a bunch of letters and numbers. THX....something....38? But Gaynesy had us masquerade as the major Axis leaders for most of this war because he thought it'd be fun.
Herve: And you just did things the same? Including The Holocaust?!
Verne Troyer: Um, yeah. He's evil, remember?
Herve: Oh yeah, keep forgetting that.
Piett: So George Gaynes, who's evil to everyone but us and you, orchestrates World War 2 to be conducted by midget actors in the bodies of Hitler and his comrades?
Verne Troyer: Yup. He says he'd actually do less damage to the world than the real guys, but we fucked some stuff up, son. It was myself, Kenny Baker as Tojo as Billy Barty as Mussolini. Things did not end well for Billy, though.
Herve: This is still the same George Gaynes, right?
Piett: Dude, Gaynes probably did a lot of crazy shit before he pulled us out of the Blogmaster's lair.
Herve: Time travel pisses me off. Not to mention I'm kinda offended that no one asked ME to do this. Although sitting in his torso seems a bit weird.
Verne Troyer: Eh. I could do anything in here. Gaynes' tech allows me to shrink down and sit in the guy's brain, if I wanted. But considering how he's gonna go.....this seems a lot safer. So when are we heading back?
Piett: We?
Verne Troyer: Yeah. Gaynesy said I'd put ol' Adolf on auto-pilot in here and you'd bring me back to base.
[Pause]
Piett: We have a confession to make.
Verne Troyer: What's that?
Piett: We're not here to bring you back.
Herve: Yeah. We just wanted to see this for ourselves. But you killed Jews, man. Fuck off.
[The bright flash of light reappears and envelopes the room. Verne Troyer closes his eyes, and when he reopens them Piett and Herve are gone, and he is back in real time.]
Verne Troyer: Oh, you bastards! Now I have to go through this myself! [looks around the room] Dammit. Well......maybe I won't take the cyanide pill. Just shoot myself. [pause] In the head, not where I'm sitting. [pause] And then when they go to burn me, I'll just jump out and make a run for it. [pause] Fuckers. Now I gotta make a scene to get out of this.
[He sits back down, and Hitler's body readjusts itself. Upon regaining his senses, Hitler sees his dead wife and goes on with the plan...]
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When the 2 gunshots were heard, the Nazi minions opened the doors and tended to the bodies.
His bodyguard encased Hitler's body in a bag and, as troopers took Eva Braun, they brought the corpse of Adolf Hitler to the surface. Despite the constant bombardment from the nearing Soviet forces, Hitler's last commands were being obeyed. His body, and Eva's, was to be placed in an open grave and burned completely beyond recognition. The Nazi officials stand at the bunker door and salute, as the soldiers douse the bodies with gasoline and prepare to light them ablaze.
Verner Troyer: Oh man, my head. That bullet shook the whole body and knocked me for a loo....hey.....hey wait a minute.........THEY NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT A BODYBAG!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
*fin*
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
How to Survive a Black Hole, by George Gaynes
FLASH FORWARD!
See, because the last story started with FLASHBACK! so now we're returning to whatever time period we're in these days....
So some time after the destruction of the Executor II and the rowdy funeral of George Gaynes, Piett and Herve find themselves, indeed, back on the bridge of the Executor II speaking to the very sentient George Gaynes. After much puking of amazement at the circumstances surrounding it, Piett and Herve have recomposed themselves and are up for discussion.
Piett: George Gaynes?! But you're dead!
Herve: As is this ship, supposedly! .....shit, are WE dead?!?
George Gaynes: Oh Herve, you're not dead. And neither am I. Kinda.
Herve: Explanation, this requires one.
George Gaynes: When I fell through the black hole in this ship, I not only survived but first off I won that dare.
Piett: Shit. How much do I owe you then? [takes out his wallet and a wad of space cash]
George Gaynes: Well it's pretty pointless now as I'm in.....no shape to ever spend money again. Just know that I was right about something for once.
Piett [to himself]: ...so *I* won... [pockets his money]
Herve: So you're....dead? Not dead? Being very unclear here.
George Gaynes: I'm not dead. I'm more alive than ever, really. See.....I became one with the ship.
Herve: You had sex with it?
George Gaynes: In a manner of speaking, I suppose.
[Herve wants to vomit....but it seems he's all out...]
George Gaynes: As we fell through that black hole in space, natural science and logic seemed to completely vanish. I managed to achieve a cosmic nirvana. I saw and knew everything in that one moment of time. I think possessing all that knowledge led to the fusion, as my brain was combined with the ship's central core and processors so that I could still retain this knowledge.
Piett: So how did you manage to take on the physical attributes of a woman you'd never even met yet who knew us? [pause] Oh god, you weren't that girl all along, were you??
George Gaynes: No, she's out there somewhere. I just took her image and used it. I saw everything about you life, Firmus. Herve's too. Hell, everybody's everywhere and everywhen.
Herve: So you know everything?
George Gaynes: Yes.
Herve: The cure for cancer?
George Gaynes: Ginger ale...
Piett: It CAN do everything!
George Gaynes: ...but only when excreted from a unicorn's anus.
Piett: DAMMIT, so close!
Herve: The meaning of life?
George Gaynes: There is none, it's all pointless!
Herve: Kinky.
Piett: The name of Punky Brewster's dog?
George Gaynes: Brandon!
Piett: Ha.
Herve: Are you all of a sudden evil now?
George Gaynes: Yes!
Piett and Herve: AHHHH!!!!
George Gaynes: Oh, but not towards you! I've always liked you guys.
Piett: Oh good. We like you too.
George Gaynes: Nice job with the funeral, by the way.
Piett: Ooh, yeah. Sorry about that. And sorry about your mom.
George Gaynes: Eh, it happens. You know Supreme Pontiff Hook was gonna kill all of you, right?
Piett: Really??
George Gaynes: Yeah. He had a whole big huge raise-the-dead scheme plan devised. I'm talking, real intricate and everything.
Herve: Boy, sounds like that would be quite the blackest of nights...
George Gaynes: But when your fracas ruined everything, he just left, went back to the Vatican or wherever, and ended up asphyxiated himself to death in his closet.
Piett: Holy SHIT!!
Herve: Just like David Carradine.
George Gaynes: Well, except for the fact that he had a giant metal hook for a hand. I don't think he factored in that part, and may've lived if he didn't have it. I tell ya, what a mess. [flickers, which is what a hologram does when he shuddering it seems]
Piett: Ok, so now that we know your newfound origins...
Herve: And the gruesome fate of a random villain we never thought we'd bring back again...
Piett: ....what's the deal with finding and rescuing us?
George Gaynes: Well, like I said...we're friends. And if there's ever a time you need one, it's now.
Piett: Why's that?
George Gaynes: My friends......Cosmos and Chronos are bad guys now.
[Herve and Piett laugh. They laugh very hard. They achieve a new kind of joy from laughing this much. If joy was like palentology and new discoveries were named after their discoverers, then this new kind of joy would be named after them in Latin. Piettehervyousni, perhaps, or something like that. Yeah. So after experiencing much Piettehervyousni, Piett and Herve calm down.]
Piett: What were we laughing about again?
Herve: I think he was saying Cosmos and...[snicker]...Chronos were e....[snickers again]....evil...
[They laugh--]
George Gaynes: STOP IT!
[They stop.]
George Gaynes: They ARE evil! I've seen the beginning and end of time simultaneously. I saw them become evil, spread their evil, and everything they plan to do. Trust me, they are very evil.
Herve: So how can you prove they're evil.
George Gaynes: With this narrative cutaway.
Piett: Wait, we're doing cutaways now? Oh Jesus, we're just like Family Guy. Mercy kill us, Walsh, PLEASE!!
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FLASHBACK!
Amidst a night of wacky passion, Cosmos and Chronosia - Chronos' sister you'll remember - are going at it something fierce.
But things get.....a little too rough.
You know how these things go...
...you don't? Uh...well....someone got choked to death. There.
And it wasn't Cosmos.
But as her life expired at the hands of a compassionate yet passion-driven man, the very being of Chronosia and her proximity to him....shuttered.
Like a cosmic orgasm.
And curse Cosmos......he liked it.
So did Chronos, who was sitting on the other side of the room watching them.
.....he's a pervert. You know this already.
And he liked it too, dammit all.
So they............they needed more........
But they weren't going gay and doing it to each other. That's just right out.
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Herve: I.........wish I hadn't seen any of that.
Piett: I wish I was dead.
George Gaynes: And I wish my penis had been a foot long. But there we are. They're evil and I experienced shrinkage all my natural life.
Piett: So killing Chronosia.....accidentally.....caused them great pleasure?
George Gaynes: Indeed. The violent release of her connection to the flow of time itself overwhelmed Cosmos, and it greatly empowered Chronos as well. Some would say, especially for Chronos, that their very sense of right and wrong were corrupted completely.
Herve: And that's saying a lot, because Chronos was terrible to start off with!
George Gaynes: After the encounter, they lived off the energy for some time. And upon its depletion, they craved more. So they began to reach out and find other sources of energy and power. The great kingdom of Natori-Vilal, for example, was utterly ravaged.
Herve: They asphyxiated Natori-Vilal?
George Gaynes: I suppose you could say that.
Piett: Wow, what is up with all this asphyxiation? Are we even spelling the word right, I wonder...?
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He stops and checks the dictionary.
Sean Walsh: Huzzah! I got it right!
He resumes writing.
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Herve: So basically, the more Cosmos and Chronos jack off, the worse the multiverse gets?
George Gaynes: In an over simplistic way, yes that's exactly what I'm saying. [facepalms] But seriously, this is a disturbing trend and it's affecting to very ebb and flow of the multiverses in dangerous ways. Because of their...indulgences, their control over space and time is being distorted, and their energy absorption are changing how everything exists. Glitches in time, whole parts of space being voided and folding in on itself. Whole universes have ceased to exist, and others have been merged into bizarre amalgams.
Piett: .....like it's being....[eyes widen]....rewritten.
George Gaynes: Indeed. Your encounter with the Miracle Machine was no glitch created by your hands. It was all part of these spasms in existance.
Herve: So we DIDN'T rewrite reality after all! [punchs Piett in the hip] I TOLD YOU it wasn't my fault!
George Gaynes: Your connection to the Continuum kept you relatively protected from the vast perils that have affected the rest of the multiverses, thus you've been able to notice the changing faults more clearly than almost everyone else.
Piett: We need to talk to Cosmos and Chronos. If not to get their side of things, at least hopefully to talk them out of it and calm things down.
George Gaynes: I fear it may be too late for that, but we can certainly give it a shot.
[The ship begins to move.]
Herve: Are we going into hyperspace?
George Gaynes: No need. We're just going to fly into the Continuum.
Piett: But that's impossible. Only a portal or an extremely super-hyperspace jump can do that.
[But as the ship moves, the stars before them begin to fade away, and a cloudy yet colorful hue begins to come into sight. Piett and Herve are amazed, for they are seeing something they've never encountered: a purely natural passage into the Space/Time Continuum, as the Executor II - thanks to its exposure and survival of the black hole, most likely - miraculously breaches into it and literally soars from one part of the cosmos into the other.]
Piett: Remarkable.
Herve: Redonkulous.
George Gaynes: Mahoney.....what a sight.
Herve: Look, there's the palace.
Piett: Home sweet home.
George Gaynes: Powering all turbolaser cannons, raising shields, and preparing ship for bombardment procedures.
Piett and Herve: WHA WHAT WHA?!?
George Gaynes: Well, they're evil, gentlemen. So we have to destroy their homebase.
Herve: You said we'd talk to them!!
George Gaynes: Remember what I said earlier? I'm evil. So....I lied.
Piett and Herve: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
George Gaynes: Don't worry, though, I've already beamed all your stuff here to the ship.
[Pause]
Herve: Oh. Well, alright then. As long as our stuff doesn't get blown up when you destroy the place where we store our stuff.
Piett: Fire!!!
[Pause]
Piett: Can I still yell that and have the ship fire? I miss that.
George Gaynes: Sure.
Piett: Okay. FIRE!!!
[With that, the Executor II opens fire with a mighty array of firepower. On the planetoid surface below, the palace is blasted asunder and erupts in a series of amazing explosions. In their heads, glimpses of the great building flash to Herve and Piett. The marvelous marble floors. Their individual dwelling areas. The very nice columns. The basement room / laboratory / porn lair. The main entertainment area. Memories of the great video wall. In a flash, they return to reality as the mansion goes supernova. Its debris spread throughout the Continuum, as even the very planetoid it once sat on is even torn apart by the force of the explosion.]
Herve: Wow, that was easy. Surprised no one ever thought to just fire at the palace a lot and blow it up.
George Gaynes: Hrm. It is as I feared. They've abandoned this place.
Piett: Abandoned? But this was their home.
George Gaynes: In real estate only. Their powers have abandoned this place, which explains the ease of its destruction.
Herve: Oh God, Piett! I just remembered.....the porn!! Lordy loo, all those mountainous piles of porn!!! Gone forever...
George Gaynes: In the microseconds it took to identity and transport everything of value in the mansion, there was not a single bit of porn anywhere.
[Pause]
Herve: .....THEY ARE EVIL!!!
Piett: What??
Herve: Of course! Geez, it all makes sense now!
Piett: Now that you've learned they got all that porn out ahead of time?
Herve: Yes! Don't you see, Chronos is....he's a paragon of perversion! There's no way he'd abandon the mansion without taking all that masturbatory material with him! And remember what Gaynes said....there was NO porn at all. Which means....
George Gaynes: Correct. Not a bit.
Herve: .....HE TOOK ALL MY PORN TOO!!!!
Piett: Whoa. [pause] They ARE evil!! Oh man, he's totally beyond redeemable now!
Herve: No hope of talking them back from the brink now.
Piett: Wait, so we know Chronos is evil because he's an awful porn poacher. What about Cosmos?
Herve: He's always been the brains. Chronos couldn't have gotten this far without him.
George Gaynes: We have to find them. Their new base of operations must be found, or all is lost.
Piett: Wait.......just how bad is this newfound perversion of theirs?
George Gaynes: I should come clean.
Herve: Eww?
George Gaynes: The multiverse is, because of Cosmos and Chronos'....diddling, on terminal shutdown. It could be a thousand years, ten thousand years, ten thousand millennia, or maybe even 12 minutes from now. But the multiverse is....dying, and I think they know this and are trying to feed on it as much as possible before it all goes away.
Piett: So we'll be experiencing more changes I take it?
George Gaynes: Perhaps, but I think more than likely whole parts of existance will just be....erased as the multiverse dies, rather than changed. See, time can only be altered so much before everything collapses at once and takes space with it. So time must remain moreorless intact, else space dies quicker. But existance can survive longer if it's space that is "eaten up" and absorbed. Time can go on within nothingness....but space cannot.
Herve: That sounds so incredibly stupid and nonsensical. [pause] And yet maybe, it's the most brilliant thing ever said.
Piett: If you're right, Gaynes, that means....Cosmos is going to die while Chronos survives!
Herve: Whoa. So maybe Cosmos isn't the brains of this scheme. Maybe......Chronos is?!? [faints]
George Gaynes: He....fainted.
Piett: Like a little girl.
[Piett rubs his hands together.]
Piett: Mwahahaha.
George Gaynes: Come on, let's focus on where we need to go next to find Cosmos and Chronos....
...Epilogue...
[In their space station headquarters, seemingly orbitting the planet Earth (come on dudes, you haven't checked Earth yet???), Cosmos and Chronos have been hard at work. While Chronos buries himself in a laboratory, Cosmos surveys the multiverses from the panoramic window, now covered with numerous digital images.....for information as well as newfound power sources for them to consume. Suddenly, a shock overcomes him. An unpleasant shock. He quickly tunes his digital images onto one place: the Space/Time Continnum, and gasps as he sees his former lair destroyed and littered with debris and at the sight of the Executor II fading away in the distance. He gets up and runs to the lab, where Chronos is buried under and hard at work with a new device which will assurely be used to do great damage and kill or something.]
Cosmos: Have you felt it? They moved into the Continuum and destroyed the palace!
Chronos: They?
Cosmos: The Executor II! It has to be Herve and Piett. They're onto our plans!
Chronos: Yes, I felt that. Though it's purely speculation that it was our 2 erstwhile colleagues. And didn't the Executor II get swallowed up by a black hole?
Cosmos: It got better, apparently. What are we going to do??
Chronos: Once are devices are activated, we won't need to do much. Just lure them here, as their curiosity will inevitably do, and let the machines take over.
Cosmos: This whole situation is getting grimmer day by day, Chronos.
Chronos: I've told you, Cosmos, that's the multiverse revolting against our power more and more. What we're doing is necessary for its survival and ours. Thank the gods you managed to find out how to take control by killing my sister.
Cosmos: So me killing was a good thing?? You're losing your perspective, Chronos. I'm going to return to the councilroom and keep watching. And we'll need to talk to the new recruits later, they're stopping by with the senior staff. [leaves]
Chronos [to himself]: Fool. My plans are going perfectly, and he's caving and crashing exactly like I knew he would. He wanders ever so closer to his end without even knowing it......[stands up and rubs the machine].....and soon, my sweet, you will take his place....
*to be continued...*
See, because the last story started with FLASHBACK! so now we're returning to whatever time period we're in these days....
So some time after the destruction of the Executor II and the rowdy funeral of George Gaynes, Piett and Herve find themselves, indeed, back on the bridge of the Executor II speaking to the very sentient George Gaynes. After much puking of amazement at the circumstances surrounding it, Piett and Herve have recomposed themselves and are up for discussion.
Piett: George Gaynes?! But you're dead!
Herve: As is this ship, supposedly! .....shit, are WE dead?!?
George Gaynes: Oh Herve, you're not dead. And neither am I. Kinda.
Herve: Explanation, this requires one.
George Gaynes: When I fell through the black hole in this ship, I not only survived but first off I won that dare.
Piett: Shit. How much do I owe you then? [takes out his wallet and a wad of space cash]
George Gaynes: Well it's pretty pointless now as I'm in.....no shape to ever spend money again. Just know that I was right about something for once.
Piett [to himself]: ...so *I* won... [pockets his money]
Herve: So you're....dead? Not dead? Being very unclear here.
George Gaynes: I'm not dead. I'm more alive than ever, really. See.....I became one with the ship.
Herve: You had sex with it?
George Gaynes: In a manner of speaking, I suppose.
[Herve wants to vomit....but it seems he's all out...]
George Gaynes: As we fell through that black hole in space, natural science and logic seemed to completely vanish. I managed to achieve a cosmic nirvana. I saw and knew everything in that one moment of time. I think possessing all that knowledge led to the fusion, as my brain was combined with the ship's central core and processors so that I could still retain this knowledge.
Piett: So how did you manage to take on the physical attributes of a woman you'd never even met yet who knew us? [pause] Oh god, you weren't that girl all along, were you??
George Gaynes: No, she's out there somewhere. I just took her image and used it. I saw everything about you life, Firmus. Herve's too. Hell, everybody's everywhere and everywhen.
Herve: So you know everything?
George Gaynes: Yes.
Herve: The cure for cancer?
George Gaynes: Ginger ale...
Piett: It CAN do everything!
George Gaynes: ...but only when excreted from a unicorn's anus.
Piett: DAMMIT, so close!
Herve: The meaning of life?
George Gaynes: There is none, it's all pointless!
Herve: Kinky.
Piett: The name of Punky Brewster's dog?
George Gaynes: Brandon!
Piett: Ha.
Herve: Are you all of a sudden evil now?
George Gaynes: Yes!
Piett and Herve: AHHHH!!!!
George Gaynes: Oh, but not towards you! I've always liked you guys.
Piett: Oh good. We like you too.
George Gaynes: Nice job with the funeral, by the way.
Piett: Ooh, yeah. Sorry about that. And sorry about your mom.
George Gaynes: Eh, it happens. You know Supreme Pontiff Hook was gonna kill all of you, right?
Piett: Really??
George Gaynes: Yeah. He had a whole big huge raise-the-dead scheme plan devised. I'm talking, real intricate and everything.
Herve: Boy, sounds like that would be quite the blackest of nights...
George Gaynes: But when your fracas ruined everything, he just left, went back to the Vatican or wherever, and ended up asphyxiated himself to death in his closet.
Piett: Holy SHIT!!
Herve: Just like David Carradine.
George Gaynes: Well, except for the fact that he had a giant metal hook for a hand. I don't think he factored in that part, and may've lived if he didn't have it. I tell ya, what a mess. [flickers, which is what a hologram does when he shuddering it seems]
Piett: Ok, so now that we know your newfound origins...
Herve: And the gruesome fate of a random villain we never thought we'd bring back again...
Piett: ....what's the deal with finding and rescuing us?
George Gaynes: Well, like I said...we're friends. And if there's ever a time you need one, it's now.
Piett: Why's that?
George Gaynes: My friends......Cosmos and Chronos are bad guys now.
[Herve and Piett laugh. They laugh very hard. They achieve a new kind of joy from laughing this much. If joy was like palentology and new discoveries were named after their discoverers, then this new kind of joy would be named after them in Latin. Piettehervyousni, perhaps, or something like that. Yeah. So after experiencing much Piettehervyousni, Piett and Herve calm down.]
Piett: What were we laughing about again?
Herve: I think he was saying Cosmos and...[snicker]...Chronos were e....[snickers again]....evil...
[They laugh--]
George Gaynes: STOP IT!
[They stop.]
George Gaynes: They ARE evil! I've seen the beginning and end of time simultaneously. I saw them become evil, spread their evil, and everything they plan to do. Trust me, they are very evil.
Herve: So how can you prove they're evil.
George Gaynes: With this narrative cutaway.
Piett: Wait, we're doing cutaways now? Oh Jesus, we're just like Family Guy. Mercy kill us, Walsh, PLEASE!!
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
FLASHBACK!
Amidst a night of wacky passion, Cosmos and Chronosia - Chronos' sister you'll remember - are going at it something fierce.
But things get.....a little too rough.
You know how these things go...
...you don't? Uh...well....someone got choked to death. There.
And it wasn't Cosmos.
But as her life expired at the hands of a compassionate yet passion-driven man, the very being of Chronosia and her proximity to him....shuttered.
Like a cosmic orgasm.
And curse Cosmos......he liked it.
So did Chronos, who was sitting on the other side of the room watching them.
.....he's a pervert. You know this already.
And he liked it too, dammit all.
So they............they needed more........
But they weren't going gay and doing it to each other. That's just right out.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Herve: I.........wish I hadn't seen any of that.
Piett: I wish I was dead.
George Gaynes: And I wish my penis had been a foot long. But there we are. They're evil and I experienced shrinkage all my natural life.
Piett: So killing Chronosia.....accidentally.....caused them great pleasure?
George Gaynes: Indeed. The violent release of her connection to the flow of time itself overwhelmed Cosmos, and it greatly empowered Chronos as well. Some would say, especially for Chronos, that their very sense of right and wrong were corrupted completely.
Herve: And that's saying a lot, because Chronos was terrible to start off with!
George Gaynes: After the encounter, they lived off the energy for some time. And upon its depletion, they craved more. So they began to reach out and find other sources of energy and power. The great kingdom of Natori-Vilal, for example, was utterly ravaged.
Herve: They asphyxiated Natori-Vilal?
George Gaynes: I suppose you could say that.
Piett: Wow, what is up with all this asphyxiation? Are we even spelling the word right, I wonder...?
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
He stops and checks the dictionary.
Sean Walsh: Huzzah! I got it right!
He resumes writing.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Herve: So basically, the more Cosmos and Chronos jack off, the worse the multiverse gets?
George Gaynes: In an over simplistic way, yes that's exactly what I'm saying. [facepalms] But seriously, this is a disturbing trend and it's affecting to very ebb and flow of the multiverses in dangerous ways. Because of their...indulgences, their control over space and time is being distorted, and their energy absorption are changing how everything exists. Glitches in time, whole parts of space being voided and folding in on itself. Whole universes have ceased to exist, and others have been merged into bizarre amalgams.
Piett: .....like it's being....[eyes widen]....rewritten.
George Gaynes: Indeed. Your encounter with the Miracle Machine was no glitch created by your hands. It was all part of these spasms in existance.
Herve: So we DIDN'T rewrite reality after all! [punchs Piett in the hip] I TOLD YOU it wasn't my fault!
George Gaynes: Your connection to the Continuum kept you relatively protected from the vast perils that have affected the rest of the multiverses, thus you've been able to notice the changing faults more clearly than almost everyone else.
Piett: We need to talk to Cosmos and Chronos. If not to get their side of things, at least hopefully to talk them out of it and calm things down.
George Gaynes: I fear it may be too late for that, but we can certainly give it a shot.
[The ship begins to move.]
Herve: Are we going into hyperspace?
George Gaynes: No need. We're just going to fly into the Continuum.
Piett: But that's impossible. Only a portal or an extremely super-hyperspace jump can do that.
[But as the ship moves, the stars before them begin to fade away, and a cloudy yet colorful hue begins to come into sight. Piett and Herve are amazed, for they are seeing something they've never encountered: a purely natural passage into the Space/Time Continuum, as the Executor II - thanks to its exposure and survival of the black hole, most likely - miraculously breaches into it and literally soars from one part of the cosmos into the other.]
Piett: Remarkable.
Herve: Redonkulous.
George Gaynes: Mahoney.....what a sight.
Herve: Look, there's the palace.
Piett: Home sweet home.
George Gaynes: Powering all turbolaser cannons, raising shields, and preparing ship for bombardment procedures.
Piett and Herve: WHA WHAT WHA?!?
George Gaynes: Well, they're evil, gentlemen. So we have to destroy their homebase.
Herve: You said we'd talk to them!!
George Gaynes: Remember what I said earlier? I'm evil. So....I lied.
Piett and Herve: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
George Gaynes: Don't worry, though, I've already beamed all your stuff here to the ship.
[Pause]
Herve: Oh. Well, alright then. As long as our stuff doesn't get blown up when you destroy the place where we store our stuff.
Piett: Fire!!!
[Pause]
Piett: Can I still yell that and have the ship fire? I miss that.
George Gaynes: Sure.
Piett: Okay. FIRE!!!
[With that, the Executor II opens fire with a mighty array of firepower. On the planetoid surface below, the palace is blasted asunder and erupts in a series of amazing explosions. In their heads, glimpses of the great building flash to Herve and Piett. The marvelous marble floors. Their individual dwelling areas. The very nice columns. The basement room / laboratory / porn lair. The main entertainment area. Memories of the great video wall. In a flash, they return to reality as the mansion goes supernova. Its debris spread throughout the Continuum, as even the very planetoid it once sat on is even torn apart by the force of the explosion.]
Herve: Wow, that was easy. Surprised no one ever thought to just fire at the palace a lot and blow it up.
George Gaynes: Hrm. It is as I feared. They've abandoned this place.
Piett: Abandoned? But this was their home.
George Gaynes: In real estate only. Their powers have abandoned this place, which explains the ease of its destruction.
Herve: Oh God, Piett! I just remembered.....the porn!! Lordy loo, all those mountainous piles of porn!!! Gone forever...
George Gaynes: In the microseconds it took to identity and transport everything of value in the mansion, there was not a single bit of porn anywhere.
[Pause]
Herve: .....THEY ARE EVIL!!!
Piett: What??
Herve: Of course! Geez, it all makes sense now!
Piett: Now that you've learned they got all that porn out ahead of time?
Herve: Yes! Don't you see, Chronos is....he's a paragon of perversion! There's no way he'd abandon the mansion without taking all that masturbatory material with him! And remember what Gaynes said....there was NO porn at all. Which means....
George Gaynes: Correct. Not a bit.
Herve: .....HE TOOK ALL MY PORN TOO!!!!
Piett: Whoa. [pause] They ARE evil!! Oh man, he's totally beyond redeemable now!
Herve: No hope of talking them back from the brink now.
Piett: Wait, so we know Chronos is evil because he's an awful porn poacher. What about Cosmos?
Herve: He's always been the brains. Chronos couldn't have gotten this far without him.
George Gaynes: We have to find them. Their new base of operations must be found, or all is lost.
Piett: Wait.......just how bad is this newfound perversion of theirs?
George Gaynes: I should come clean.
Herve: Eww?
George Gaynes: The multiverse is, because of Cosmos and Chronos'....diddling, on terminal shutdown. It could be a thousand years, ten thousand years, ten thousand millennia, or maybe even 12 minutes from now. But the multiverse is....dying, and I think they know this and are trying to feed on it as much as possible before it all goes away.
Piett: So we'll be experiencing more changes I take it?
George Gaynes: Perhaps, but I think more than likely whole parts of existance will just be....erased as the multiverse dies, rather than changed. See, time can only be altered so much before everything collapses at once and takes space with it. So time must remain moreorless intact, else space dies quicker. But existance can survive longer if it's space that is "eaten up" and absorbed. Time can go on within nothingness....but space cannot.
Herve: That sounds so incredibly stupid and nonsensical. [pause] And yet maybe, it's the most brilliant thing ever said.
Piett: If you're right, Gaynes, that means....Cosmos is going to die while Chronos survives!
Herve: Whoa. So maybe Cosmos isn't the brains of this scheme. Maybe......Chronos is?!? [faints]
George Gaynes: He....fainted.
Piett: Like a little girl.
[Piett rubs his hands together.]
Piett: Mwahahaha.
George Gaynes: Come on, let's focus on where we need to go next to find Cosmos and Chronos....
...Epilogue...
[In their space station headquarters, seemingly orbitting the planet Earth (come on dudes, you haven't checked Earth yet???), Cosmos and Chronos have been hard at work. While Chronos buries himself in a laboratory, Cosmos surveys the multiverses from the panoramic window, now covered with numerous digital images.....for information as well as newfound power sources for them to consume. Suddenly, a shock overcomes him. An unpleasant shock. He quickly tunes his digital images onto one place: the Space/Time Continnum, and gasps as he sees his former lair destroyed and littered with debris and at the sight of the Executor II fading away in the distance. He gets up and runs to the lab, where Chronos is buried under and hard at work with a new device which will assurely be used to do great damage and kill or something.]
Cosmos: Have you felt it? They moved into the Continuum and destroyed the palace!
Chronos: They?
Cosmos: The Executor II! It has to be Herve and Piett. They're onto our plans!
Chronos: Yes, I felt that. Though it's purely speculation that it was our 2 erstwhile colleagues. And didn't the Executor II get swallowed up by a black hole?
Cosmos: It got better, apparently. What are we going to do??
Chronos: Once are devices are activated, we won't need to do much. Just lure them here, as their curiosity will inevitably do, and let the machines take over.
Cosmos: This whole situation is getting grimmer day by day, Chronos.
Chronos: I've told you, Cosmos, that's the multiverse revolting against our power more and more. What we're doing is necessary for its survival and ours. Thank the gods you managed to find out how to take control by killing my sister.
Cosmos: So me killing was a good thing?? You're losing your perspective, Chronos. I'm going to return to the councilroom and keep watching. And we'll need to talk to the new recruits later, they're stopping by with the senior staff. [leaves]
Chronos [to himself]: Fool. My plans are going perfectly, and he's caving and crashing exactly like I knew he would. He wanders ever so closer to his end without even knowing it......[stands up and rubs the machine].....and soon, my sweet, you will take his place....
*to be continued...*
The Executor (Two) of his Will
FLASHBACK!
It is the year..............well, it doesn't matter, because these stories are timeless.
That doesn't mean they're good or legendary. They're usually average and sometimes suck very much. But they all tend to take place at various points here and there, in whatever timelines they feel like, since space and time are so fluid and several of the main characters are able to control their ebb and flow with great ease.
ANYWAY!
Some time ago, before the events of the Final Quantum Crisis, came the accidental death of George Gaynes - elderly actor of stage and screen, supporting character, fictional adoptive father and police academy commandant. Lost in a very foolish disaster created by a very foolish dare, he and the very foolish Super Star Destroyer Executor II were sucked into a cosmically unkind and uncaring black hole.
Some days later, in the Space/Time Continuum, a great collection of characters gather to pay their respects at his funeral. Within the mighty fine and wonderful palace of Cosmos and Chronos - masters of the Space/Time Continuum (respectively) - they sit in relative silence before a symbolic casket, as his remains are lost to the cosmos.
Seated together are Piett and his wife Lucy Ferr, Herve, Cosmos, Chronos, Chronosia, Landozzel, HG Wells, Booster Rocket, Jungle Girl, Ben the Spider-Man, Cecil, Soleil Moon Frye, Steve Guttenberg, George Gaynes' mother and for some reason the 2004 World Series champion Boston Red Sox.
Herve: Hey Piett.
Piett: Oh no, the verbal jibes are gonna start already?
Herve: How is George Gaynes' mother here?
Piett: She's, like, really old, ok? That's it. Just stop now before I punch you.
Herve: Geez, just asking a question.
Piett [whisper-yelling]: No, Herve, no. You might start off with a question, but then you make some wise crack and we go back and forth with our "humorous" diatribes and it gets all silly and foolish and the reader starts to bail because they have better things to do than watch fictional characters ramble on and on about nonsense and--
Lucy: Honey? You're doing it.
Piett: Doing what?
Lucy: Going into the verbal back-and-forth diatribes. Right now. It's kinda
Supreme Pontiff Hook: SILENCE!
[Pause]
Supreme Pontiff Hook: Sorry, force of habit. [returns to his preachings and readings]
Lucy: Why's he saying the mass again?
Piett: It's a mass. Even though he's a villain and hates us, he's still a priest with certain responsibilities he can't deny anyone. Plus he works at a shockingly cheap rate.
Lucy: Even though he's a supreme pontiff?
Piett: Hey, the church takes money any way they can get it.
Herve: I dunno. I'm calling shenanigans on all this already.
Piett: He wouldn't disrupt a funeral mass just to try and kill us.
Landozzel: Hey Wells.
HG Wells: Oh lord, are we going to have our own silly back and forth diatribe now too?
Landozzel: Wells. How old is that chick? [points over to George Gaynes' mother]
HG Wells: I don't know. Just ask her.
Landozzel [peers over at her]: I think she's dead.
HG Wells: She just walked in here a little while ago. Did that whole sweet kissing the casket thing, and then walks back here and DIES? I don't think so.
[Landozzel moves toward the old woman to inspect her vital signs. But the moment he touches her, she keels over....very much dead indeed.]
Landozzel: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!
HG Wells [jumps up]: HOLY SHIT, LANDOZZEL, YOU FUCKING KILLED GEORGE GAYNES' MOTHER!!!!
Supreme Pontiff Hook: Oh snap.
Piett and Herve [stand up, although with Herve you can't really tell because he is short]: WHAT?!?
[The formerly silent ceremony is now very boisterous and loud, as people are shrieking and yelling.]
Landozzel: I did not kill her!!
Piett: You did! You did kill her! I so KNEW you being here was more than just "paying your respects!"
Herve: Shenanigans!! SHENANIGANS!!!!
Piett: You don't kill someone at a funeral....especially the mother of the person who's DEAD!!
Landozzel: But I didn't kill her!!
HG Wells: Even if you didn't, there's no convincing these retards otherwise.
Ben the Spider-Man: Hey! I'm just sitting here, doing nothing to anyone! I don't need your goddamn insults!
HG Wells: We weren't talking about you, retard!
Ben the Spider-Man: THE FUCK!!!
Herve: Instigation of shenanigans means death! Punishment of DEATH!!!
Cosmos [pinching the bridge of his nose]: At a funeral, people? [sees Chronos getting up to join in on the ruckus, puts his head between his legs and sighs as Chronosia comforts him]
Chronos: Crucify them!!!
Booster Rocket [aside to his girlfriend]: Why are we even here?
Jungle Girl: Just putting in a cameo, sweetie. Just ignore them.
Landozzel: Stop shouting at me!! I did nothing wrong!!
Ben the Spider-Man: Killer!!
Chronos: Murderer!!
Herve: OOOOOOOOOOOOJAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
Landozzel: Fine! You want to see me murder someone?!
[He pulls out a laser gun, aims and fires right at Steve Guttenberg.]
Steve Guttenberg: AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!! [dies]
Soleil Moon Frye: Oh my God!!
Piett: He killed American icon Steve Guttenberg!!!
Herve: Forgot the old bitch, he killed Mahoney!
Piett, Herve, Ben, Chronos: MAHONEY!!!!!
Herve: We'll get you....and KILL YOU!!!
Landozzel: And now we're their foes again!
HG Wells: Deep down, they were always mine!
Landozzel: Time to hide someplace where they can never find us! RUN!!!
[Landozzel and HG Wells run away, as the quartet of the offended chase after them. The remaining mourners are now just horribly embarassed. Booster Rocket and Jungle Girl get up, wave their goodbyes and take off before more insanity befalls this ordeal. Supreme Pontiff Hook resumes his sermon, but then stops, shakes his head and collects his Bible and walks down from the podium.]
Supreme Pontiff Hook [to Lucy]: You know, I was actually planning to raise the dead and kill you all here today, but I think what's happened here already is more than enough punishment. Tell Piett to Paypal me the funeral fees and I'll never bother you folks again. Ta.
[As the dejected pontiff leaves through a back door, Piett and the others re-enter the palace and the shambles of the service. Cosmos just gets up and leaves, followed by Chronosia, and Cecil begins to clean up the mess, starting with sweeping up the late George Gaynes' late mother. Lucy stands with arms crossed at the front.]
Piett: I'm in trouble, aren't I?
Lucy: Oh yes. A long talk.
Piett: Ugh...
Lucy: Perhaps a beating, and not a sexy one
Piett: UGH...
Lucy: .....and then maybe makeup sex later, I still haven't decided.
Piett: .....can Punky Brewster watch?
[Pause]
Lucy: Oh, well now we ARE having makeup sex.
Soleil Moon Frye: What the hell?!
[Piett grabs his wife's hand, who then grabs Punky Brewster's hand, and they quickly depart to their dwelling area.]
Herve: So........pizza and beer, then?
Ben the Spider-Man: I can do that.
Chronos: I call stuffed crust from Pizza Hut!
[Ben the Spider-Man departs to the entertainment area, but Herve halts Chronos for a moment and looks at the 2004 World Series champion Boston Red Sox team standing around nearby.]
Herve: And why were they here again?
Chronos: To remind everyone how awesome the Red Sox are.
Herve: Hells yeah. Now come, my friends, let us feast on stuffed crust pizzas and you can regale us with the tale on how you beat the FUCK out of the New York Yankees.
2004 World Series champion Boston Red Sox: HOORAY!
*to be continued...*
It is the year..............well, it doesn't matter, because these stories are timeless.
That doesn't mean they're good or legendary. They're usually average and sometimes suck very much. But they all tend to take place at various points here and there, in whatever timelines they feel like, since space and time are so fluid and several of the main characters are able to control their ebb and flow with great ease.
ANYWAY!
Some time ago, before the events of the Final Quantum Crisis, came the accidental death of George Gaynes - elderly actor of stage and screen, supporting character, fictional adoptive father and police academy commandant. Lost in a very foolish disaster created by a very foolish dare, he and the very foolish Super Star Destroyer Executor II were sucked into a cosmically unkind and uncaring black hole.
Some days later, in the Space/Time Continuum, a great collection of characters gather to pay their respects at his funeral. Within the mighty fine and wonderful palace of Cosmos and Chronos - masters of the Space/Time Continuum (respectively) - they sit in relative silence before a symbolic casket, as his remains are lost to the cosmos.
Seated together are Piett and his wife Lucy Ferr, Herve, Cosmos, Chronos, Chronosia, Landozzel, HG Wells, Booster Rocket, Jungle Girl, Ben the Spider-Man, Cecil, Soleil Moon Frye, Steve Guttenberg, George Gaynes' mother and for some reason the 2004 World Series champion Boston Red Sox.
Herve: Hey Piett.
Piett: Oh no, the verbal jibes are gonna start already?
Herve: How is George Gaynes' mother here?
Piett: She's, like, really old, ok? That's it. Just stop now before I punch you.
Herve: Geez, just asking a question.
Piett [whisper-yelling]: No, Herve, no. You might start off with a question, but then you make some wise crack and we go back and forth with our "humorous" diatribes and it gets all silly and foolish and the reader starts to bail because they have better things to do than watch fictional characters ramble on and on about nonsense and--
Lucy: Honey? You're doing it.
Piett: Doing what?
Lucy: Going into the verbal back-and-forth diatribes. Right now. It's kinda
Supreme Pontiff Hook: SILENCE!
[Pause]
Supreme Pontiff Hook: Sorry, force of habit. [returns to his preachings and readings]
Lucy: Why's he saying the mass again?
Piett: It's a mass. Even though he's a villain and hates us, he's still a priest with certain responsibilities he can't deny anyone. Plus he works at a shockingly cheap rate.
Lucy: Even though he's a supreme pontiff?
Piett: Hey, the church takes money any way they can get it.
Herve: I dunno. I'm calling shenanigans on all this already.
Piett: He wouldn't disrupt a funeral mass just to try and kill us.
Landozzel: Hey Wells.
HG Wells: Oh lord, are we going to have our own silly back and forth diatribe now too?
Landozzel: Wells. How old is that chick? [points over to George Gaynes' mother]
HG Wells: I don't know. Just ask her.
Landozzel [peers over at her]: I think she's dead.
HG Wells: She just walked in here a little while ago. Did that whole sweet kissing the casket thing, and then walks back here and DIES? I don't think so.
[Landozzel moves toward the old woman to inspect her vital signs. But the moment he touches her, she keels over....very much dead indeed.]
Landozzel: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!
HG Wells [jumps up]: HOLY SHIT, LANDOZZEL, YOU FUCKING KILLED GEORGE GAYNES' MOTHER!!!!
Supreme Pontiff Hook: Oh snap.
Piett and Herve [stand up, although with Herve you can't really tell because he is short]: WHAT?!?
[The formerly silent ceremony is now very boisterous and loud, as people are shrieking and yelling.]
Landozzel: I did not kill her!!
Piett: You did! You did kill her! I so KNEW you being here was more than just "paying your respects!"
Herve: Shenanigans!! SHENANIGANS!!!!
Piett: You don't kill someone at a funeral....especially the mother of the person who's DEAD!!
Landozzel: But I didn't kill her!!
HG Wells: Even if you didn't, there's no convincing these retards otherwise.
Ben the Spider-Man: Hey! I'm just sitting here, doing nothing to anyone! I don't need your goddamn insults!
HG Wells: We weren't talking about you, retard!
Ben the Spider-Man: THE FUCK!!!
Herve: Instigation of shenanigans means death! Punishment of DEATH!!!
Cosmos [pinching the bridge of his nose]: At a funeral, people? [sees Chronos getting up to join in on the ruckus, puts his head between his legs and sighs as Chronosia comforts him]
Chronos: Crucify them!!!
Booster Rocket [aside to his girlfriend]: Why are we even here?
Jungle Girl: Just putting in a cameo, sweetie. Just ignore them.
Landozzel: Stop shouting at me!! I did nothing wrong!!
Ben the Spider-Man: Killer!!
Chronos: Murderer!!
Herve: OOOOOOOOOOOOJAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
Landozzel: Fine! You want to see me murder someone?!
[He pulls out a laser gun, aims and fires right at Steve Guttenberg.]
Steve Guttenberg: AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!! [dies]
Soleil Moon Frye: Oh my God!!
Piett: He killed American icon Steve Guttenberg!!!
Herve: Forgot the old bitch, he killed Mahoney!
Piett, Herve, Ben, Chronos: MAHONEY!!!!!
Herve: We'll get you....and KILL YOU!!!
Landozzel: And now we're their foes again!
HG Wells: Deep down, they were always mine!
Landozzel: Time to hide someplace where they can never find us! RUN!!!
[Landozzel and HG Wells run away, as the quartet of the offended chase after them. The remaining mourners are now just horribly embarassed. Booster Rocket and Jungle Girl get up, wave their goodbyes and take off before more insanity befalls this ordeal. Supreme Pontiff Hook resumes his sermon, but then stops, shakes his head and collects his Bible and walks down from the podium.]
Supreme Pontiff Hook [to Lucy]: You know, I was actually planning to raise the dead and kill you all here today, but I think what's happened here already is more than enough punishment. Tell Piett to Paypal me the funeral fees and I'll never bother you folks again. Ta.
[As the dejected pontiff leaves through a back door, Piett and the others re-enter the palace and the shambles of the service. Cosmos just gets up and leaves, followed by Chronosia, and Cecil begins to clean up the mess, starting with sweeping up the late George Gaynes' late mother. Lucy stands with arms crossed at the front.]
Piett: I'm in trouble, aren't I?
Lucy: Oh yes. A long talk.
Piett: Ugh...
Lucy: Perhaps a beating, and not a sexy one
Piett: UGH...
Lucy: .....and then maybe makeup sex later, I still haven't decided.
Piett: .....can Punky Brewster watch?
[Pause]
Lucy: Oh, well now we ARE having makeup sex.
Soleil Moon Frye: What the hell?!
[Piett grabs his wife's hand, who then grabs Punky Brewster's hand, and they quickly depart to their dwelling area.]
Herve: So........pizza and beer, then?
Ben the Spider-Man: I can do that.
Chronos: I call stuffed crust from Pizza Hut!
[Ben the Spider-Man departs to the entertainment area, but Herve halts Chronos for a moment and looks at the 2004 World Series champion Boston Red Sox team standing around nearby.]
Herve: And why were they here again?
Chronos: To remind everyone how awesome the Red Sox are.
Herve: Hells yeah. Now come, my friends, let us feast on stuffed crust pizzas and you can regale us with the tale on how you beat the FUCK out of the New York Yankees.
2004 World Series champion Boston Red Sox: HOORAY!
*to be continued...*
Behold the Blogmaster!
In another realm, a dark and disturbing corner of the parade of multiverses, lies the Blogoverse. Within it, the thoughts of nearly every man, woman, child, god, dog, cat, horse, alien, robot are collected and recorded in a metaphysical blog for no real purpose other than because the universe works in mysterious and weird ways.
But today, the Blogoverse lies in ruin, overcome by the thought process of one single individual, who has somehow managed to gain an army of demented yet loyal followers met over the Internet. Once just an overweight emo shut-in, he is now the Blogmaster - self-professed conqueroring lord of the Blogoverse.
As we descend beyond the ethers of space and time, through layers of binary code & other computer language and into his madness-filled lair, the Blogmaster stands on his comfy computer chair throne laughing triumphantly. But there has been much chaos, as hundreds of his followers lie dead around him and only a scant few remain. In restraints is Firmus Piett - quantum adventurer of the Space Time Continuum and, this day, also the assigned protector of the Blogoverse - now held captive by the Blogmaster's remaining minions.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You sought to defeat me, but now it is I - THE BLOGMASTER - who has turned the tables on you, Quantum Piett!!!
Piett [drolly]: Oh dear me. Whatever shall I do.
Blogmaster: My cohorts in calamitous crime have subdued you, and now you shall--wait a minute, that sounded completely disingenous.
Piett [another synonym for droll, as my PC's thesaurus feature doesn't quite seem to work at the moment]: What do you mean. You have bested me and now I am at your mercy.
Blogmaster: Put some emotion into it.
Piett: Ha. Ha.
Blogmaster: Enough of this! Conflickor....torment him!
[Conflickor, the PC-virus wielding malcontent, lashes out at Piett with his weaponry.]
Piett: Um.......are you even doing anything?
Conflickor: I am, sorta. But you'll know and feel it.....eventually!
[Suddenly Herve appears in a flash of light, with a large burlap sack by his side.]
Herve: Conflickor? We're making fun of a kinda outdated computer virus now? How about I toss some SARS at you all?
Blogmaster: Villechaize!!!
Piett: Oh hooray. It's Herve to the rescue......oh wait, I can stop this now. Good.
[Piett escapes out of his constraints - he was apparently faking it the whole time - as Herve leaps into action. Herve takes a 2-liter bottle of ginger ale from within the burlap sack and heaves it at Conflickor, who catches it amidst great puzzlement. Suddenly, Herve pulls out a gun and shoots the ginger ale. It explodes in a liquid frenzy, and Conflickor is consumed by it. He screams and boils alive, falling down and finally dying a hideously drawn-out death.]
Herve: And THAT's how you kill a computer virus, bitch!
Piett: Ah, ginger ale. Is there anything you CAN'T do?
Blogmaster: Buffington! Warkraft! Destroy them!
[Buffington, the far-left fringe musclehead, and Warkraft, the hypnotist villainous and abyss of responsibility, hurry from their leader's side and toward the quantum agents. Warkraft is first, trying to enslave the minds of his foes.]
Herve: Piett, look away!
[But Piett is grabbed by the large Buffington as Warkraft now tries to mentally dominate Herve. Good luck with that.]
Warkraft: You will be entranced by my power! Fall under my cloak of dispair - embrace the false life I can offer as an escape from this dreadful world - and give your mind to me!!
Herve: Must....resist....will resist!
Warkraft: Even if you do, no man or woman ever has and survived in one piece!
Herve: I will! I WILL!!!
Warkraft: Why do you fight?! SUBMIT!!
Herve: Why? Because....because I'm too fed up with computers to download all that stupid gaming shit onto mine!
Warkraft: Impossible! You....you CANNOT!!
[Warkraft's resolve falters, and somehow - perhaps for the first time in his life - Herve wins a war of the wills. He pulls out his gun again and shoots Warkraft right between the eyes, killing him dead.]
Herve: Fucking gamer. Swap the k for a c....I still know what it is!
[Herve turns to confront the other minion of the Blogmaster, but is swatted away quickly and flies several feet away from the action. Buffington has Piett in a bearhug, and the more he struggles the more Piett realizes that he may very well be hugged to death.]
Piett: Damn you, your grip.....so deadly.....
Buffington: Now you will pay for the crimes and trangressions of your ancestors, you oppressive Protestant white devil American!
Piett: So much.....wrong with that....statement....
Buffington: Submit to my superior will and accept the change that comes to overwhelm you and your lifestyle!
Piett: Just can't let anything go.....or move on.....left wing ninny.....also making me speak....very.....slowly.....
Blogmaster: Oh, just kill him already!
Buffington: I do not kill, I maim and cripple so that they can suffer more!
[Piett, maybe on the verge of death but let's face it probably not, suddenly wiggles free to the horror of the liberal machine.]
Buffington: But, how?!?
Piett [once again, find your own word for droll because it still doesn't work]: I knew it. All I needed to do was become completely indifferent and non-emotional towards your crazy commie ramblings. Now I'm neutral to your wrath. AND I probably know how to kill you.
Buffington: Nooooo!!!
[Without the ability to cross over into his moderate frame of mind, Buffington is powerless to defeat Piett. Piett takes out a sharp object and carves a 4-letter last name into Buffington's chest. The behemoth screams and, like Conflickor before him, dies an agonizing death.]
Herve: Pretty lame that you can kill a man by just carving the word "Bush" into his chest. They never will get over him, will they?
Blogmaster: You....you cannot have stopped them!!
[Blogmaster begins summoning large icons out of the air and hurls them at Piett and Herve. They easily duck and dodge the objects and continue their advance.]
Piett: And now it's time to deal with you, Blogmaster, and punish you for your crimes.
Blogmaster: Punishment?! What about my trial?
Herve: Really not up for you quoting the animated GI Joe movie, douchebag. Oh, speaking of bag...
[Herve runs away, as Piett forces Blogmaster back onto his deluxe posture mesh fabric computer chair.]
Piett: Now you pay for....trying to crash every dating and social sites on the internet. [pause] Man, it sounds so pathetic when I say it out loud.
Blogmaster: I.....I had to destroy them! They denied me....true love! [cries]
Piett: Oh, stop your crying you overweight emo shut-in bastard. [slaps him] Herve, get this over with.
Herve [dragging the burlap sack towards Piett and the Blogmaster]: I had 658 Facebook friends.....you asshole.....and now I have to find the time.....to get them all back.....ow, possible heart attack .....little help here!!
[Piett grabs the bag and stops Herve.]
Piett: You couldn't have just opened it up and let her out?
Blogmaster: H...[sobs]...her??
Piett: Oh yeah, we got you a girlfriend. That....that IS the best way to defeat you, right? To shut you up and give you what you want.
[Piett and Herve open the bag, and out comes an average sized woman. Single, maybe a few extra pounds in places but there's certainly not a problem with that, employed, non-smoker/social drinker, no kids and between the ages of 26 and 38.]
What could be your perfect match: Oh, my love!! It's you!
Blogmaster: Whoa, what the fuck?!
Piett and Herve: What?
Blogmaster: Hey now, hold on. First off, I don't even know this woman and she says she loves me. That's uber-creepy and probably means she's a crayz chick. Secondly, she's not really all the things I was looking for. Not quite the right age, her hair's not red at all like I like, she's not a divorcee with 3 kids and she's nowhere near a double D...
Herve: Wait....[rubs his forehead].....so you're single, alone, and yet PICKY?!?
Blogmaster: Well..........yeah. I have standards. [snorts his nose, scratches his ass]
[Herve takes his gun and split's Blogmaster wig.]
What clearly was not his perfect match: Noooo!!!
[Herve splits young woman's wig too.]
Piett: Good lord. What's with splitting people in the wig now?
Herve: It's fun. [reloads his gun] And effective. [pause] What does splitting people in the wig mean?
Piett: It's street for shooting them in the head. [pause] And why are you reloading? No one else is left here.
Herve: I wouldn't be resorting to this if you'd just used the Faye Dunaway plan.
Piett: That was a weird plan, dude. Kicking him in the dick, tossing him into a portal and trapping him in a universe full of Faye Dunaways. Who knew there was even room in an infinite array of universes for a "Faye Dunaway Universe," and that we'd actually come across it one day to boot.
Herve: Shoulda kicked him in the dick, at least.
Piett: I can kick anyone in the dick. Like Walsh, for writing us into an adventure that was about avenging the destruction of stupid social sites like eHarmony and Yahoo Personals and Match.com.
Herve: And not even a full adventure. Maybe that was his mercy shining through, though.
Piett: Or bad writing and poor story development. [pause] This has de-evolved into a Walsh bashing much more blatantly than usual, huh?
Herve: Ooh, maybe Ponte's writing this one.
Piett: Nah. Too much talk of just kicking dicks and nowhere near enough actual images of dicks.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
In some alternate place, Sean Walsh and Michael Ponte - co-creators of QUANTUM PIETT - are just beating the shit out of each other right now probably...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Herve: Well, enough rambling. Let's go home.
[Herve unveils his belt buckle/time travelling device.]
Piett: I still can't believe you had one of your own this whole time.
Herve: People don't need to see me touching my groin.
Piett: But I thought you did want people to see that. Specifically, whores.
Herve: Whores aren't people.
Piett: ...and blessed be you for unveiling that window into your dark disgusting soul...
[Herve clicks it.................................and nothing happens. He continues clicking it, becoming more frustrated and angry, and still nothing happens.]
Piett [mockingly]: Don't touch your groin, Herve, no one wants to see that. Eww, gross, midget touching his groin! Midget touching his groin!
Herve: Fine, dickwad, you try yours.
[Piett unveils his belt buckle portal device thingy which I've never come up with a name for, for some reason. And like Herve's, it doesn't work either. Piett repeats the same frustrated and angry attitude Herve just did.]
Herve [mockingly]: Yes....yes.....punch your groin. Render it useless. Mwahahaha!
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
In another alternate place, Sean Walsh - depressed over his lack of a love life and not having had sex for....oh, I can't even remember how long ago it was anymore - punches his groin and takes his anger out on himself and cries the whooooooole time........sniffle...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Piett: Well, this is terrific. [both he and Herve sit down] We're stuck in a....Mathmagicland full of corpses. No food, no....anything, really. Why was these clowns even here??
Herve: I think I have another bottle of ginger ale in the burlap sack.
Piett: Can that get us home?!
Herve: No. It's for refreshment. Pretty sure it can't open portals to the Space Time Continuum. [pause] Or could it...?
[Herve shakes the bottle up and opens it, spraying ginger ale all over the area. Alas, no time travelling / space traversing portal opens up.]
Herve: Damn. It CAN'T do everything.
Piett: And now we have no refreshment. Great.
Herve: Well........there's always cannibalism.
Piett: GAH! We've only been here, like, a half hour or something!
Herve: I meant feast on the corpses. You know, when it comes down to that..
Piett: Then say necro-cannibalism. Geez! You'll freak me out by just calling it regular cannibalism...
Herve: So that freaks you out, but eating the flesh of the dead doesn't.
Piett: Weird, I know, but true.
[As Herve goes to counter with a pithy retort.....hey, the thesaurus is working again!.....the 2 are suddenly beamed away from and out of the Blogoverse completely. They reappear in....a most familiar place.]
Herve: Bleargh!!
Piett: Oh for...why does everyone seem to vomit nowadays when being suddenly teleported?
Herve: I wasn't actually vomiting. You'll notice the lack of stomach contents on the floor around me--
[They both stop, looks around them and becomes suddenly and overwhelmingly gleeful]
Piett: MY SHIP!!!
[Indeed, Piett and Herve are back onboard the Executor II.]
Herve: Holy gonads, Batman, I think it is!
Piett: Wait.......
[They run to a computer console, Piett keys in a password, and images of pornography flicker to life.]
Herve and Piett: IT IS OUR SHIP!!!
Ashley: Hello boys.
Herve: Hey, look, it's Ash....A....ahhhhhHHHH!!AHHHHH!!AHHHHH!!AHHHHH!! [vomits, flees to hide]
Ashley: Well, that's always warms a girl's heart.
Piett: I never told him that you're actually old enough to.....you know....
Ashley: Oh. Well....there's some good, I guess?
Piett: So you have your own Super Star Destroyer now? Kinky.
Ashley: How would that be kinky in any way?
Piett: I'm an odd man. Did you know I used to be married and then dumped her because she was getting into porn to learn how to pleasure me better?
Ashley: Um.....yes.
[Awkward pause.]
Piett: Oh yeah. Sorry.
Ashley: But you answer your question before it got weird......no, I do not have my own super star destroyer.
Piett: So......where does the conversation go from here?
Ashley: Awkwardly.
Piett: I can do that.
Ashley: Oh I know. But see, this isn't really me. I'm actually a hologram.
Piett: Really now? Very nice. I can barely tell.
Ashley: You mean when you were just trying to grope my backside.
Piett [to self]: Oh how cute, she calls it a backside. [coughs] I mean, sorry.
Ashley: You can't have sex with a hologram, Piett.
Piett: I.....I could try...
[Suddenly the hologram turns into....someone else.]
George Gaynes: I'm pretty sure you would not want to try that, Piett.
Piett: WHAWHOJESUSGODOHMYFUCKSHITBLEARGHHHH!!!!AHHHHH!!AHHHHH!!AHHHHH!! [vomits, flees to hide]
George Gaynes: I hope they realize soon that I'm a hologram so they'll need to clean this puke up for themselves...
*to be continued*
But today, the Blogoverse lies in ruin, overcome by the thought process of one single individual, who has somehow managed to gain an army of demented yet loyal followers met over the Internet. Once just an overweight emo shut-in, he is now the Blogmaster - self-professed conqueroring lord of the Blogoverse.
As we descend beyond the ethers of space and time, through layers of binary code & other computer language and into his madness-filled lair, the Blogmaster stands on his comfy computer chair throne laughing triumphantly. But there has been much chaos, as hundreds of his followers lie dead around him and only a scant few remain. In restraints is Firmus Piett - quantum adventurer of the Space Time Continuum and, this day, also the assigned protector of the Blogoverse - now held captive by the Blogmaster's remaining minions.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You sought to defeat me, but now it is I - THE BLOGMASTER - who has turned the tables on you, Quantum Piett!!!
Piett [drolly]: Oh dear me. Whatever shall I do.
Blogmaster: My cohorts in calamitous crime have subdued you, and now you shall--wait a minute, that sounded completely disingenous.
Piett [another synonym for droll, as my PC's thesaurus feature doesn't quite seem to work at the moment]: What do you mean. You have bested me and now I am at your mercy.
Blogmaster: Put some emotion into it.
Piett: Ha. Ha.
Blogmaster: Enough of this! Conflickor....torment him!
[Conflickor, the PC-virus wielding malcontent, lashes out at Piett with his weaponry.]
Piett: Um.......are you even doing anything?
Conflickor: I am, sorta. But you'll know and feel it.....eventually!
[Suddenly Herve appears in a flash of light, with a large burlap sack by his side.]
Herve: Conflickor? We're making fun of a kinda outdated computer virus now? How about I toss some SARS at you all?
Blogmaster: Villechaize!!!
Piett: Oh hooray. It's Herve to the rescue......oh wait, I can stop this now. Good.
[Piett escapes out of his constraints - he was apparently faking it the whole time - as Herve leaps into action. Herve takes a 2-liter bottle of ginger ale from within the burlap sack and heaves it at Conflickor, who catches it amidst great puzzlement. Suddenly, Herve pulls out a gun and shoots the ginger ale. It explodes in a liquid frenzy, and Conflickor is consumed by it. He screams and boils alive, falling down and finally dying a hideously drawn-out death.]
Herve: And THAT's how you kill a computer virus, bitch!
Piett: Ah, ginger ale. Is there anything you CAN'T do?
Blogmaster: Buffington! Warkraft! Destroy them!
[Buffington, the far-left fringe musclehead, and Warkraft, the hypnotist villainous and abyss of responsibility, hurry from their leader's side and toward the quantum agents. Warkraft is first, trying to enslave the minds of his foes.]
Herve: Piett, look away!
[But Piett is grabbed by the large Buffington as Warkraft now tries to mentally dominate Herve. Good luck with that.]
Warkraft: You will be entranced by my power! Fall under my cloak of dispair - embrace the false life I can offer as an escape from this dreadful world - and give your mind to me!!
Herve: Must....resist....will resist!
Warkraft: Even if you do, no man or woman ever has and survived in one piece!
Herve: I will! I WILL!!!
Warkraft: Why do you fight?! SUBMIT!!
Herve: Why? Because....because I'm too fed up with computers to download all that stupid gaming shit onto mine!
Warkraft: Impossible! You....you CANNOT!!
[Warkraft's resolve falters, and somehow - perhaps for the first time in his life - Herve wins a war of the wills. He pulls out his gun again and shoots Warkraft right between the eyes, killing him dead.]
Herve: Fucking gamer. Swap the k for a c....I still know what it is!
[Herve turns to confront the other minion of the Blogmaster, but is swatted away quickly and flies several feet away from the action. Buffington has Piett in a bearhug, and the more he struggles the more Piett realizes that he may very well be hugged to death.]
Piett: Damn you, your grip.....so deadly.....
Buffington: Now you will pay for the crimes and trangressions of your ancestors, you oppressive Protestant white devil American!
Piett: So much.....wrong with that....statement....
Buffington: Submit to my superior will and accept the change that comes to overwhelm you and your lifestyle!
Piett: Just can't let anything go.....or move on.....left wing ninny.....also making me speak....very.....slowly.....
Blogmaster: Oh, just kill him already!
Buffington: I do not kill, I maim and cripple so that they can suffer more!
[Piett, maybe on the verge of death but let's face it probably not, suddenly wiggles free to the horror of the liberal machine.]
Buffington: But, how?!?
Piett [once again, find your own word for droll because it still doesn't work]: I knew it. All I needed to do was become completely indifferent and non-emotional towards your crazy commie ramblings. Now I'm neutral to your wrath. AND I probably know how to kill you.
Buffington: Nooooo!!!
[Without the ability to cross over into his moderate frame of mind, Buffington is powerless to defeat Piett. Piett takes out a sharp object and carves a 4-letter last name into Buffington's chest. The behemoth screams and, like Conflickor before him, dies an agonizing death.]
Herve: Pretty lame that you can kill a man by just carving the word "Bush" into his chest. They never will get over him, will they?
Blogmaster: You....you cannot have stopped them!!
[Blogmaster begins summoning large icons out of the air and hurls them at Piett and Herve. They easily duck and dodge the objects and continue their advance.]
Piett: And now it's time to deal with you, Blogmaster, and punish you for your crimes.
Blogmaster: Punishment?! What about my trial?
Herve: Really not up for you quoting the animated GI Joe movie, douchebag. Oh, speaking of bag...
[Herve runs away, as Piett forces Blogmaster back onto his deluxe posture mesh fabric computer chair.]
Piett: Now you pay for....trying to crash every dating and social sites on the internet. [pause] Man, it sounds so pathetic when I say it out loud.
Blogmaster: I.....I had to destroy them! They denied me....true love! [cries]
Piett: Oh, stop your crying you overweight emo shut-in bastard. [slaps him] Herve, get this over with.
Herve [dragging the burlap sack towards Piett and the Blogmaster]: I had 658 Facebook friends.....you asshole.....and now I have to find the time.....to get them all back.....ow, possible heart attack .....little help here!!
[Piett grabs the bag and stops Herve.]
Piett: You couldn't have just opened it up and let her out?
Blogmaster: H...[sobs]...her??
Piett: Oh yeah, we got you a girlfriend. That....that IS the best way to defeat you, right? To shut you up and give you what you want.
[Piett and Herve open the bag, and out comes an average sized woman. Single, maybe a few extra pounds in places but there's certainly not a problem with that, employed, non-smoker/social drinker, no kids and between the ages of 26 and 38.]
What could be your perfect match: Oh, my love!! It's you!
Blogmaster: Whoa, what the fuck?!
Piett and Herve: What?
Blogmaster: Hey now, hold on. First off, I don't even know this woman and she says she loves me. That's uber-creepy and probably means she's a crayz chick. Secondly, she's not really all the things I was looking for. Not quite the right age, her hair's not red at all like I like, she's not a divorcee with 3 kids and she's nowhere near a double D...
Herve: Wait....[rubs his forehead].....so you're single, alone, and yet PICKY?!?
Blogmaster: Well..........yeah. I have standards. [snorts his nose, scratches his ass]
[Herve takes his gun and split's Blogmaster wig.]
What clearly was not his perfect match: Noooo!!!
[Herve splits young woman's wig too.]
Piett: Good lord. What's with splitting people in the wig now?
Herve: It's fun. [reloads his gun] And effective. [pause] What does splitting people in the wig mean?
Piett: It's street for shooting them in the head. [pause] And why are you reloading? No one else is left here.
Herve: I wouldn't be resorting to this if you'd just used the Faye Dunaway plan.
Piett: That was a weird plan, dude. Kicking him in the dick, tossing him into a portal and trapping him in a universe full of Faye Dunaways. Who knew there was even room in an infinite array of universes for a "Faye Dunaway Universe," and that we'd actually come across it one day to boot.
Herve: Shoulda kicked him in the dick, at least.
Piett: I can kick anyone in the dick. Like Walsh, for writing us into an adventure that was about avenging the destruction of stupid social sites like eHarmony and Yahoo Personals and Match.com.
Herve: And not even a full adventure. Maybe that was his mercy shining through, though.
Piett: Or bad writing and poor story development. [pause] This has de-evolved into a Walsh bashing much more blatantly than usual, huh?
Herve: Ooh, maybe Ponte's writing this one.
Piett: Nah. Too much talk of just kicking dicks and nowhere near enough actual images of dicks.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
In some alternate place, Sean Walsh and Michael Ponte - co-creators of QUANTUM PIETT - are just beating the shit out of each other right now probably...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Herve: Well, enough rambling. Let's go home.
[Herve unveils his belt buckle/time travelling device.]
Piett: I still can't believe you had one of your own this whole time.
Herve: People don't need to see me touching my groin.
Piett: But I thought you did want people to see that. Specifically, whores.
Herve: Whores aren't people.
Piett: ...and blessed be you for unveiling that window into your dark disgusting soul...
[Herve clicks it.................................and nothing happens. He continues clicking it, becoming more frustrated and angry, and still nothing happens.]
Piett [mockingly]: Don't touch your groin, Herve, no one wants to see that. Eww, gross, midget touching his groin! Midget touching his groin!
Herve: Fine, dickwad, you try yours.
[Piett unveils his belt buckle portal device thingy which I've never come up with a name for, for some reason. And like Herve's, it doesn't work either. Piett repeats the same frustrated and angry attitude Herve just did.]
Herve [mockingly]: Yes....yes.....punch your groin. Render it useless. Mwahahaha!
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
In another alternate place, Sean Walsh - depressed over his lack of a love life and not having had sex for....oh, I can't even remember how long ago it was anymore - punches his groin and takes his anger out on himself and cries the whooooooole time........sniffle...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Piett: Well, this is terrific. [both he and Herve sit down] We're stuck in a....Mathmagicland full of corpses. No food, no....anything, really. Why was these clowns even here??
Herve: I think I have another bottle of ginger ale in the burlap sack.
Piett: Can that get us home?!
Herve: No. It's for refreshment. Pretty sure it can't open portals to the Space Time Continuum. [pause] Or could it...?
[Herve shakes the bottle up and opens it, spraying ginger ale all over the area. Alas, no time travelling / space traversing portal opens up.]
Herve: Damn. It CAN'T do everything.
Piett: And now we have no refreshment. Great.
Herve: Well........there's always cannibalism.
Piett: GAH! We've only been here, like, a half hour or something!
Herve: I meant feast on the corpses. You know, when it comes down to that..
Piett: Then say necro-cannibalism. Geez! You'll freak me out by just calling it regular cannibalism...
Herve: So that freaks you out, but eating the flesh of the dead doesn't.
Piett: Weird, I know, but true.
[As Herve goes to counter with a pithy retort.....hey, the thesaurus is working again!.....the 2 are suddenly beamed away from and out of the Blogoverse completely. They reappear in....a most familiar place.]
Herve: Bleargh!!
Piett: Oh for...why does everyone seem to vomit nowadays when being suddenly teleported?
Herve: I wasn't actually vomiting. You'll notice the lack of stomach contents on the floor around me--
[They both stop, looks around them and becomes suddenly and overwhelmingly gleeful]
Piett: MY SHIP!!!
[Indeed, Piett and Herve are back onboard the Executor II.]
Herve: Holy gonads, Batman, I think it is!
Piett: Wait.......
[They run to a computer console, Piett keys in a password, and images of pornography flicker to life.]
Herve and Piett: IT IS OUR SHIP!!!
Ashley: Hello boys.
Herve: Hey, look, it's Ash....A....ahhhhhHHHH!!AHHHHH!!AHHHHH!!AHHHHH!! [vomits, flees to hide]
Ashley: Well, that's always warms a girl's heart.
Piett: I never told him that you're actually old enough to.....you know....
Ashley: Oh. Well....there's some good, I guess?
Piett: So you have your own Super Star Destroyer now? Kinky.
Ashley: How would that be kinky in any way?
Piett: I'm an odd man. Did you know I used to be married and then dumped her because she was getting into porn to learn how to pleasure me better?
Ashley: Um.....yes.
[Awkward pause.]
Piett: Oh yeah. Sorry.
Ashley: But you answer your question before it got weird......no, I do not have my own super star destroyer.
Piett: So......where does the conversation go from here?
Ashley: Awkwardly.
Piett: I can do that.
Ashley: Oh I know. But see, this isn't really me. I'm actually a hologram.
Piett: Really now? Very nice. I can barely tell.
Ashley: You mean when you were just trying to grope my backside.
Piett [to self]: Oh how cute, she calls it a backside. [coughs] I mean, sorry.
Ashley: You can't have sex with a hologram, Piett.
Piett: I.....I could try...
[Suddenly the hologram turns into....someone else.]
George Gaynes: I'm pretty sure you would not want to try that, Piett.
Piett: WHAWHOJESUSGODOHMYFUCKSHITBLEARGHHHH!!!!AHHHHH!!AHHHHH!!AHHHHH!! [vomits, flees to hide]
George Gaynes: I hope they realize soon that I'm a hologram so they'll need to clean this puke up for themselves...
*to be continued*
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The New Adventures of HG Wells and Landozzel
[London, England. December 31, 1899. The streets are filled with reveillers as a day-long countdown to a new century is underway. But while the city, the nation and the entire world prepare for the 20th century, 2 men residing in a quaint home near the outskirts of the city are quietly neutral to any signs of celebration or commemoration. Because to them, there is no celebration necessary. They've seen the 20th century, and they are decidedly unimpressed with it. The 2 sit at a table in the main living room area, smoking cigars and playing cards. The larger gentleman is frustrated and throws his cards down as his companion, a more dimunitive figure, takes his winnings with a bit of a snicker under his breath.]
HG Wells: Play again?
Landozzel: Gods no, I've had enough. I don't think skill at poker made it through the amalgamation process into my new genes.
HG Wells: That excuse only works so long, Landozzel. It's been, what, well over 10 years now since Lando Calrissian and Admiral Ozzel were forcibly merged by a scientific catastrophe to create.....you.
Landozzel: Well, as long as you don't have a television, I have every right to complain about the endless games of cards we play.
HG Wells: And how many times must I tell you that the television you want has not been invented and commercialized yet, and in this day and age it wouldn't be seemly or prudent to upgrade my entire abode to accomodate futuristic technology.
Landozzel: Then why do we hide out in Victorian London? If we're hiding from those bastards Piett and Villechaize, it makes little sense to do so in your home, of all places.
HG Wells: They've yet to actually show up, have they?
Landozzel: It's an inevitability. I tell you, we need to reestablish our old confederations and start anew somehow. Fire up the time machine and find an escape from this deathtrap of boredom.
HG Wells: With who? The old cadre of superfoes we used to rely on are gone, dead or otherwise unavailable. And traversing the fourth dimension to find them in alternate dimensions or different points of their timelines will assuredly alert those quantum baffoons to our activities.
Landozzel: So....we sit.
HG Wells: And do nothing.
Landozzel [disgusted]: You've lost your enthusiasm for villainy, Wells.
HG Wells: Being a writer is successful and fulfilling enough, old friend.
[Suddenly there is a knock on the front door. As Wells sorts the pack of cards for a new game, Landozzel, eager to find something different to do, immediately jumps up and bounds across the living room. He opens the door without so much as checking first to see how it is. A shadowy man of equal size, clad in a top hat and a black overcoat, stands on the front porch.]
Landozzel: May I....help you?
Mystery man: Mr. Wells? Mr. Landozzel?
[Landozzel's eyes immediately widen, while back at the table Wells loses control of his sorting and the deck of cards spits all over the table. Both are aghast at this stranger's precise identification of both of them.]
Mystery man: Well of course it's you.
[Before either Wells and Landozzel can act, the mystery man suddenly pulls his coat open. But instead of a pervert from beyond space and time exposing himself, a large spherical device with a pitch black interior is unveiled, and within microseconds it explodes in a loud thunderclap. Landozzel and Wells are overwhelmed by a strong wind begins to suck everything in, and can only briefly howl in shock and horror as this mini-black hole sucks them directly into the mystery man's person and out of Victorian London. Upon consuming the 2 men, the mystery man quite literally collapses on himself and retreats within this black hole event. Silence reigns, and this entire scene of astronomical chaos is no more.]
*******
[In a dark room, somewhere.....else, Landozzel and HG Wells are violently deposited onto a cold hard floor, as a strong gust quickly enters and exits the room. They stand, as a single small light shines down upon them, bright enough so that they can see each other but nothing else.]
Landozzel: Well, that was rude. Although it does smell nice in here.
HG Wells: Isn't this the kind of thing that happens to Piett and Villechaize? We're the villains, for God's sake. We do this kind of thing to them!
Landozzel: I wouldn't say villains, really. Ne'er do wells, perhaps, or rapscallions.
[Suddenly the room begins to illuminate. Not by any interior lighting, but by the sudden appearance of a large panoramic window, which displays their true location: they are in orbit above the Earth, in all its radiant natural beauty.]
Landozzel: Oh...oBLEARGHHHHHHHH [vomits all over the floor]
HG Wells: What the-?! Did you just vomit because we're in space?! We've been out here dozens of times!
Landozzel: No, no... [spits] ...just something I ate. Or at least feels like something I ate. God damn black holes. So we're over Earth now, are we?
HG Wells: Yes. Overlooking the Western hemisphere. [grumbles] Always the western hemisphere. Fucking America. [leans against the window to the outside of the space station] And we're in a spherical satellite of competent design, as we still have gravity. Not too large, enough to hold a few hundred people perhaps. Definitely not something I'd agree to use as a headquarters. Could be one of the clones' forgotten lairs, or that evil Herve who ran around way back when. I don't really remember.
Landozzel: So someone with a black hole device on his chest travels to 1899 London, sucks us into a centralized astronomical phenom and dumps us in a satellite orbiting the Earth. This is either pointless or it's going somewhere.
You would be correct, Landozzel!
[Landozzel and Wells shriek (though if you ask them later, they'd probably play down its squeelish pitch) as they are taken aback by this disembodied voice. They turn, and suddenly a row of humanoid figures sit behind an elevated table on the other side of this room. Though the room is brightened by the Earth outside, they still appear silhouetted, possibly through unexplainable and intentional methods, to prevent identification.]
Welcome to the Satellite of Hate.
Landozzel: Ah, finally, someone to--
[As he tries to approach, he walks directly into a force field, blocking Landozzel and Wells from the darkened figures. He stumbles back, shocked by a low-amped yet stinging electric jolt.]
Landozzel: OW! What the hell is that?!
Be silent, or be silenced!
HG Wells: So this is how it is, then. We're your prisoners. At your mercy. Well......have at it then.
[Wells turns around, pulls his pants down and invites the inevitable probing that science fiction and some religions say all non-Earthly beings engage in when taking Earthlings prisoner.]
OH!
Oh what the hell!!
That is nasty!
Is he circumcised?
Put those back on right now!!
[Wells complies and pulls his pants up, then turns back to their mysterious roommates.]
Landozzel [whispers]: Circumcised?
HG Wells: Long story, some other time.
Before your....uninvited depantsing, we were going to......oh gods, that image will last with me forever......we were going to say that no, it's not "like that." We're sorry about him. He's a bit of a grumpy gus.
HG Wells [to himself]: "Grumpy gus?"
Allow ourselves to introduce ourselves. We.....are the League of Enigmatic Ne'er-Do-Wells.
[Pause]
What? What are you doing?
Landozzel: Hang on.
[Pause]
HG Wells: .....LEN? You named your group "LEN?"
Landozzel: You named yourself after proported and deceased NBA superstar Len Bias? How random.
[Wells fistbumps Landozzel for the fairly obscure reference for all those not aware of Boston Celtics history like I might be.]
No, we.....wait, that's the acronym you came up with? There are numerous other words that could've been a part of it, yet you cut them out and went with "LEN."
HG Wells: Well it's the easiest. And "LOENDW" just sounds stupid. How do you even say that?
Looooo.....end......wa?
Yeah, they've got a point.
That just sounds dumb.
He's right, I told you people would pick out "LEN."
Stop siding with them. They are the inferior minions, while we are the superior masters.
Landozzel: If we knew how to get out of here, we would leave right now.
But you can't. Score one for the superior masters!
Now you're just being spiteful. We didn't bring them here to be spiteful towards them.
HG Wells: And why DID you bring us here? To ramble in an extremely annoying fashion.
That one's got a mouth on him.
Yes, because they're humans. Humans have mouths.
Oh, I am going to punch your face so hard.
HG Wells: YOU SEE?!?
Landozzel: Before we commit suicide or you're all bored to death by your own complaining, perhaps you should cut to the core of this and tell us why you've summoned us here.
Allow me. Because I haven't actually spoken yet so you have more reason to trust me. We have summoned you here to join our elite league of villains.
Landozzel: "Elite league of villains." You are aware that we have not only headed up our own congregation of super-foes, but we know them to be a dime a dozen and really a waste of our time.
We know your true reasons for retirement, Mr. Landozzel. You fear the quantum agents of the Continuum.
HG Wells [in Landozzel's ear]: Ok, they have my attention now.
Yet your fear is quite unfounded, considering we are now firmly in your corner. You will be surprised, and utterly impressed, at the resources we have at our disposal. These baffoons, as both you and we have come to know them, are quite vulnerable to our methods. Over the last several years, we have managed to subvert ourselves into the fabric of space and time. We have done our own adventuring across the multiverses and come to discover there are many....blind spots and loopholes. Our enterprise of villainy has thus grown, and our numbers have swelled to most impressive amounts. With the 2 of you, easily the 2 most experienced, the time has come to take on the quantum agents and render them useless once and for all.
Landozzel: That was a lot of bolded wordage......but I like it.
HG Wells: Indeed.
Really? I was actually expecting a bit more of your mouth before we talked you over to our side.
See? I told you!
Landozzel: Consider us willing participants in your Len Bias organization.
[HG Wells pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head.]
Simple. We will provide you with passage into the Space Time Continuum itself, into the very lair of the quantum agents and their masters, Cosmos and Chronos.
HG Wells: R...really?
Yes. What, were you expecting some secondary missions off the bat to prove your obedience and slowly build up to the ultimate task?
Landozzel: Yes, actually.
Oh. Well....um...sorry?
Landozzel: Oh no, not a problem.
Alright then. Upon getting there, you are to acquire this...
[Pause]
What's going on? What happened?
Oh, was this what we needed to hologram for?
What does that mean?
It means the hologram machine is out of service and I was really hoping we'd be able to wing this presentation without it.
The hologram was always a vital part of the presentation, you imbecile!
HG Wells: I will break one of these windows to get out of this embarassing affair. Just want you all to know this.
Well......the device you SHOULD be able to see is called the MacGuffin gun. It is a weapon of incredible power. Its user can use the gun to do...well, anything. Wound, kill, heal, cure. Unmake something, remake something. And so on. Believe me, it's quite impressive and futuristic in its design, which would've been nicely displayed if you could see it.
Landozzel: We'll just have to take your annoyingly bolded words for it.
Indeed. Steal the weapon from the lair of Cosmos and Chronos, and return it here. And if you must dispatch with anyone along the way, then so be it. Now, allow us to introduce your team.
HG Wells: Team? Oh brother, I don't miss this part.
[A group of people suddenly flicker into sight.]
Oh sweet, the holgoram machine's working again!
Idiot! We've transported them into sight.
I didn't know any of us could do that.
I can.
Which one are you?
The one on the far right.
My right or your right?
We're all sitting faced in the same direction!
For the love of God, stop! I'm pretty sure Wells really IS about to break one of the windows.
Fine. Gentlemen, allow us to introduce your team.....Super Collider, the human black hole!
Landozzel: Hey! That's the bugger who captured us to start this all off!
Yes, but since we've explained ourselves and you've joined up, you don't care.
Landozzel: Well, I'm still a bit miffed...
Never mind. Next is...the Bionocle! He's so insidious that he wears not one....but TWO monocles!
Bionocle: And they shoot laser beams!
Next is the android murderer H1N1!
HG Wells: Wait, he's a murderer who's an android, or a murderer of androids?
Does it matter? He is H1N1, the disease carrying android!
Landozzel: So we'll give Piett and Herve AIDS, huzzah!
No, he just carries the Swine Flu.
Landozzel: I don't know what that is.
Neither do we, but we're certain it's quite lethal.
[H1N1 coughs, something awful.]
HG Wells: Did that murdering android just cough?
And finally, because all the gangs of villains you encounter must include some cartoonesque pop culture reference, your final team member is The Monster Mind!
[The Monster Mind, from the cartoon Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, appears and nods politely to his fellow antagonists.]
HG Wells: The Monster Mind? Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors?! That's lame.
How so?
Landozzel: You couldn't get us any better cartoon/toy villains? Cobra Commander? Megatron? Skeletor?
No, no and no. They're all currently unavailable to us.
HG Wells: Unavailable?! We were just unavailable to you and yet you swiped us out of my home?! Why are these 3 unavailable?
They're in the middle of making movies.
Landozzel: The cartoon and toy villains are making movies.
Well, they're not making the movies. Hollywood is using them in huge blockbuster films, or at least planning to, and we've thus been forbidden from using them and their likenesses.
Landozzel: So who else is there?
Trust us, we've scoured the era of 1980's cartoons and can't find anyone decent.
HG Wells: Hordak?
She-Ra movie.
Landozzel: Mumm-Ra?
Thundercats movie.
HG Wells: King Zarkon? Lotor? Haggar?
Voltron movie. And have you seen that cartoon lately?
HG Wells: Maybe 20 years ago.
Totally doesn't hold up.
Yeah. Terrible.
Landozzel: Miles Mayhem?
MASK movie.
Landozzel: I just refuse to believe that.
HG Wells: Krulos?
Who?
HG Wells: Krulos, emperor of the Rulons. Sworn enemy of the Valorians.
You're speaking nonsense.
Landozzel: The bad guy of Dino-Riders, you bastards!
Dino riders?
As in they ride dinosaurs?
HG Wells and Landozzel: Yes!!!
...for fun?
HG Wells: No, in combat!
Interesting. You'd think one of us would've heard of that.
Never mind this shit. The only cartoon and toy villain we do have the Monster Mind! Take him and leave!
Landozzel: Fine. We accept his admission into our ragtag group of--
No, I meant take him and LEAVE! Off with you! Get out!
Landozzel: But we have no idea where we're going!
Yes you do! Pay attention!
You'll know soon enough anyway!
[Super Collider activates his black hole portal and both he and the team depart. However, before Wells can leave, one of the councilmen calls out to him.]
Wait!
HG Wells: If it's more nonsensical banter, I really will break--
Wells, know this! The MacGuffin gun only once! Its powers only work once.
HG Wells: Ok. Couldn't you have told us all that?
We know what you're thinking, what your true thoughts on all this are. And we approve! Now go!
[A bit puzzled, Wells turns back to the portal and is consumed...]
*******
[Moments later, he is in a dark and fairly dank room, surrounded by Landozzel.]
Landozzel: What took you so long?
HG Wells: Hrm? Oh, nothing. Just some....confusion back on that satellite. [looks around] Where are we?
Landozzel: Good question. I presumed we'd be in the mansion itself, but we're in some dark and.... [sniffs] fairly dank room.
[H1N1 coughs.]
Landozzel: Ok, that is just damned creepy. What is up with you?
[H1N1 coughs again, a bit more intense this time.]
Bionocle: He can't speak. Don't think he was even programmed with the ability to use his vocal processors to speak words.
HG Wells: But he can cough.
Bionocle: Yes. The irony is tantalizing, isn't it?
HG Wells: Not really.
Bionocle: Yes. Well.....once you get the whole "I'm wearing 2 monocles thing," you'll find I'm a pretty generic character.
HG Wells: And what about him? [points to Super Collider]
Bionocle: He doesn't talk much because......well, I don't know why.
Super Collider: I have nothing to contribute except my violently loud and hazardous black hole portal technology. So why bother talking?
HG Wells: See, now THAT's a character to my liking.
Bionocle: And what about Monster Mind?
[As Monster Mind goes to speak, he suddenly vanishes into thin air.]
Bionocle: The hell?!
Super Collider: I so did not do that.
Landozzel: Seriously? Not even one line of dialogue?
HG Wells: There's only one explanation for what just happened. Hollywood just greenlit a Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors movie.
Landozzel: And still no Dino-Riders. Well, time to figure out where--oh wait, I know where we are. We're in the basement of their mansion.
Bionocle: Wow, that's incredible.
HG Wells: How do you know? It's so dark and fairly dank in here.
[Landozzel merely points and Wells follows his finger, where a large LARGE pile of items sit in all their decadent glory.]
HG Wells: Holy God, look at all that porn.
Bionocle: My 2 monocles have never seen so much!
[Super Collider runs over, starts perusing the videos and DVDs and magazines and books and toys...then looks around...then activates his black hole portal and collapses in on himself, escaping back to his lair taking as much of the porn as he possibly can.]
Landozzel: Terrific. There goes our transport. AND he barely made a dent in the pile.
[A black hole portal opens again, and all present watch as the pornography is sucked in. Several minutes pass, for even with a concentrated mini-black hole at work, it still takes that long to consume all the porn. Finally, it's gone and the portal snaps shut.]
HG Wells: Gods, let's just get out of this place and topside so we can get this whole ordeal over with.
[The group, now reduced by 2, move across the basement room. They reach a staircase and begin their ascent to the main chambers of the mansion above. Suddenly, H1N1 begins another coughing fit. Only this time....he collapses, down the stairs in an ugly mess, and lies still and silent on the cold floor below. Bionocle descends the stairs and checks H1N1's neck and arm.]
Bionocle: He's....he's dead.
HG Wells: Wait, why did you check for a pulse? He's a robot, he doesn't have one.
Landozzel: And how does a robot die of the flu??
HG Wells: Who cares? Leave him!
Bionocle: So I'm the cannon fodder, aren't I?
Landozzel: Probably.
HG Wells: Shut up and let's go!
[The trio moves up the stairs. They reach the top and slowly move a large metallic door aside and open. Oddly, they find themselves emerging into the living area of the mansion, where an elegant and antique carpet covers them. For some reason they choose to move underneath the carpet rather than move it, and for several minutes they crawl from the gateway to the carpet's end.]
Landozzel: This is a big motherfuckin' carpet.
HG Wells: I really hope no one's in this room right now, because this probably looks so stupid.
[They hear voices, but in the distance, so their admitted and overt stupidity may yet be deniable. It is Piett and Herve, conversing about their usual drama or some such crap.]
Piett: Why would she even called me "Ishmael?"
Herve: She was just fucking with you, dude. Playing mind games. You know how women get.
Piett: But what if that's not it? What if this reality we've recreated resulted in me being a different person entirely?!
Herve: That's too trippy and redonkulous to even consider, man. And I don't think Walsh has enough time anymore to really ponder the structure of a story delving into that.
Piett: I dunno. I feel the urge to go into seclusion, or on vacation, and try to...rediscover myself or something.
Herve: I would suggest keeping that to confined quarters. Last time I saw you rediscovering yourself I tried to puke up my internal organs. That was unpleasant. And not just because I succeeded in heaving up my appendix...
[Suddenly Herve and Piett are aware that....they are not alone. They turn.]
Piett: What the--
[Now emerged from underneath the old and very nice carpet, Landozzel, Wells and Bionocle lock eyes with Piett and Herve.]
Landozzel: You!!!
Piett: You?!?!
HG Wells: Double you!!!!
Bionocle: Uh....hi!
Herve: PEE!!!!!!!!
Piett: Landozzel and HG Wells?!? Ascending from Cosmos' basement lab / Chronos' porno lair?!
Herve: And some other dude!
[Landozzel suddenly holds his head, as if a killer migrane. Frustrated, Wells steps forward.]
HG Wells: This is a...um, stickup!
Piett: What.
HG Wells: We've come for the MacGuffin gun!
Herve: Thet whatwhositkabob?
HG Wells: Don't act like you don't know! Our, um, employers
Piett: You're working for evil villainous masters now? Oh, for shame.
HG Wells: Shut up, or my compatriot Bionocle will shoot you with his...[becoming more embarassed the more he speaks]...monocle lasers!
Bionocle: I do and will, by gum!
Herve: Oh, those are 2 monocles. I was thinking they were just fucked up glasses.
Piett: Now hold on, folks, we don't need any violence caused by...[snickering]...monocle lasers. We'll get you what you want.
[Piett slowly backs up and grabs his cellphone.]
Landozzel [still headachy]: What.....what are you doing?
Piett: I have to call Cosmos and Chronos, as we have no idea what you're even talking about.
Piett: Hey, it's me. Yeah, listen....you won't believe who just showed up. [pause] No, no, not Eunice Kennedy Shriver. It's Landozzel and HG Wells. They're holding us up. [pause] Well, not really holding us up. Some douche with 2 monocles says he'll shoot us with lasers if we don't-- [pause] No, not a gun. [pause] No, not with his cock, Chronos. Lasers shot out of the monocles. [pause] Yeah, it does seem pretty stupid, but with what I've seen I can believe it. They say they want something called the MacGuffin gun. Any idea what-- [pause] Really. [pause] REALLY?! Wow, that's pretty awesome. And it's just in the bookshelf? [looks] Huh. There it is. You'd think I'd have noticed a gun there before. So should I... [pause] Without a fight? [pause] Ok, if you say so. Yup, later. [hangs up]
Landozzel: So?
Piett: They say we should give it to you. It's there in the bookshelf.
HG Wells: Why the hell are we even arguing over this?! Get the gun!!
[Landozzel, still overcome with this headache, moves Piett and Herve aside and grabs the gun, which was in between the Bible and a novel adaptation of Porky's 2, which is why Piett probably never noticed it before. He returns and gives it to HG Wells, sitting down ]
Bionocle: Oh no! Mr. Landozzel has probably fallen victim to the swine flu thanks to the android murderer!
Piett: What, a murderer who's an android, or a murderer of androids?
HG Wells: We still don't know!
Herve: Swine flu?! Quick, get him some Canada Dry ginger ale!
Piett: But he's the villain! Ginger ale will make him better!
Herve: No, actually ginger ale helps the disease accelerate and kills you quicker!
HG Wells: Enough of this! Bionocle, kill them!
[Bionocle steps forward and glares at Piett and Herve. The quantum adventurers are shocked as his eyes suddenly glow, and laser beams shoot out of his eyes, just as was promised earlier.]
Herve: Oh shit! His monocles really do shoot lasers!
Piett: That's kinda awesome, but also maybe lame if he's got nothing else to his personality!
Bionocle: Dammit, even you can tell!!
[Piett and Herve scatter as Bionocle canvases the area with laser beams. Piett stumbles and falls behind a couch, while Herve flips about, all acrobatic-like, until finally tackling Bionocle to the ground. They struggle, but Bionocle stops fighting and starts giggling.]
Bionocle: Ok, this is actually kinda funny. Like I'm being mauled by a teddy bear.
[Herve replies by biting him on the neck.]
Bionocle: AARRGGGHHH!! You little teddy bear fuck!!
[He grabs Herve and flings him off, then glares at him across the room and prepares to fire his lasers again.]
Piett: Hey, wait a minute.
Bionocle: Wha--
[Piett suddenly spins Bionocle around and, with a quick and harsh ferocity, gouges Bionocle's eyes.]
Bionocle: NGAAAGGGUUUAAGHHHHH!!!!!!
[Piett pulls the monocles right out of Bionocle's head and smiles, the threat of this new foe effectively ended. But instead of screaming in agony, Bionocle falls dead to the ground.]
Herve: Snap!
Piett: Fuck my butt! He's dead?!
Herve: I guess his monocles were the key to both lasers and life.
Piett: How.....lame?
Herve: Yeah, despite the initial belief that he was awesome, that is quite lame.
HG Wells: Fucking lame-o! Now what?! Landozzel!!
[Landozzel finally stands up straight, though wincing with pain. There is a fairly long pause, as Piett and Herve approach them, when suddenly...]
Landozzel: Dude, what's goin' on?!
[...to the shock of all, Landozzel embraces Piett.]
Piett: What the fuck is this?!
HG Wells: That's what I'D like to know!
Landozzel: Wells, it's our old friend Piett!
HG Wells: Old friend?! He's our enemy!
Herve: Hey, you were kind of an ally for like a few minutes way back--
HG Wells: THEY'RE BOTH OUR ENEMIES!!!!
Piett: I could understand Wells being evil, moreso than I can understand [frantically points at Landozzel, who is still hugging him] this!
Landozzel: I've been waiting for this for a long time!
Piett: Oh God he's not gonna bang me is he?!?
Herve: This is wrong. Yet I can't look away.
HG Wells: Wha.......how.......th......
[Unable to make his point through such friendly manners, Landozzel suddenly snatches the MacGuffin Gun from Wells hands. He backs up, smiles...and shoots himself right in the chest.]
Piett, Herve and Wells: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Herve: Holy piss, poop and puke! He's dead!
[As the smoke clears, several beings emerge into sight. Everyone present is surprised.]
Piett: Oh my--
Herve: What the--
Wells: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Lando Calrissian: I'm free......God almighty, I'm FREE!!!
Admiral Ozzel: My word, that was incredibly unpleasant. Thank goodness that horror is ov......Piett?!
Piett: Hi, Ozzel.
Ozzel: Oh lord, you're still alive?! Suddenly being combined with the lothario doesn't seem so bad.
Herve: Dude, it's Lando and Ozzel! It's.....Landoz--oh wait, can't use that anymore.
Piett: Hang on, I think......I think there's someone else?!?
[To everyone's surprise, a 3rd person appears out of the smoke.]
Herve: Whoa.
Piett: Well THAT explains why he's suddenly so nice!
Stan Lee: Excelsior, old friends!
All: STAN LEE!!
Herve: So wait...is HE the reason for Landozzel's lovey dovey nature?!
Stan Lee: That's right, true believers! Seems during one of your recent escapades at Comic-Con...
Piett: Recent? I don't remember tha[Herve jabs him in the side to shut him up]oh um, yeah, right. We were totally there and there are no universal glitches explaining why I'd think otherwise.
Stan Lee: ...I was somehow enveloped and trapped within the other-dimensional aura of this amalgamated man! I somehow existed between time and space and was helpless to do anything while until a recent flux in the very fabric of the universes allowed me to gain more control over his personality. Which made him vomit, oddly enough. [pauses] Say, excluding the vomit, that'd be a great idea for a cartoon or TV movie!
Piett: Or comic book?
Stan Lee: OR COMIC BOOK! Haha! So once I found you, I knew I could reveal myself and all would be back to normal!
Herve: Except for Wellsy there getting eye raped by seeing his comrade in arms just destroy himself once and for all.
Stan Lee: It's time for me to return to my life of creating and entertaining the masses! Excelsior, my friends, and thank you!!! [begins running around in place, and soon begins to fade from sight]
Herve: Wait, he already said "Excelsior."
Stan Lee: It means hello and goodbye!
Piett: Oh, like "Aloha."
[Stan Lee says something else but is too far gone to be heard. And thus he has vanished. We're thinking it was possibly something inadvertedly racist against Hawaiians.]
Herve: Hey, shouldn't we stop him? He's totally ripping us off with that premise of his.
Piett: Relax. His comic book, cartoon and other multimedia projects these days never sell or get noticed. Now, let's collect Lando and Ozzel and GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED?!?
[Piett and Herve recoil in horror as Lando Calrissian and Admiral Ozzel, the other elements of the former amalgam Landozzel, lie dead on the ground. HG Wells stands over them, with the smoking MacGuffin gun.]
Herve: You killed them!
Piett: Aw man, I was hoping to get in some more witty banter with Ozzel. And maybe ask Lando for advice about my lady problems.
HG Wells: Landozzel was useless to me like this. His death was inevitable once his resolve toward evil was weakened.
Herve: You could've recombined him or something.
HG Wells: Its powers can only be used once.
Herve: Well that's stupid.
Piett: And decidedly harsh, man.
HG Wells: I'm a member of the League of Enigmatic Ne'er-Do-Wells. It's of my nature now to do something like this.
Herve [to himself]: ....LEN?
HG Wells: The name alone demands that I survive. This mission was nothing more than a way for me to prove my loyalty to the organization.
[Confused pause.]
HG Wells: It's got "Wells" at the end of it! It's practically named after me, and screams the fact that I was the only villain destined to survive this adventure. Or, rather....
[Wells coldly aims and, without pause, shoots both Piett and Herve. They collapse and are motionless. Wells smirks, pockets the McGuffin Gun and runs away. And almost as if his shadowy masters knew it, a black hole portal opens directly in his path and he jumps inside.]
*******
[Several moments pass...]
Herve: OWWWWWW!!!
Piett: Dude.....he shot us! US!
Herve: Why did we let him do that?!
Piett: I was playing mind games with him. Looks like he won.
Herve: You didn't do anything!!
Piett: I was trying to use my cosmic awareness to coerce him to just go away. Or at least shoot and miss. Guess that power doesn't work on old Englishmen with guns.
Herve: Yeah I guess it DOESN'T!!
[Piett gets up, clutching his chest. He pulls Herve to his feet and they slowly walk away toward the main chamber of the mansion.]
Herve: So how are we still alive?
Piett: We're the title characters.
Herve: So?
Piett: We're not destined to die so lamely. Besides, would you read "the adventures of Quantum George Gaynes?"
Herve: Of course I would!
Piett: So would I. [sighs] Ok, bad example. How about "the adventures of Quantum Jim Ferr?"
Herve: Oh Jesus no!
Piett: See?
Herve: Fair enough.
Piett: To the bathroom, where we keep....the band-aids!!
...Epilogue...
[Back in outer space, hovering over the Earth, HG Wells emerges back in the darkened meeting room with the panoramic view, where the shadowy League of Enigmatic Ne'er-Do-Wells council sit arguing amongst themselves. They stop quickly though.]
Ah, you have returned.
And alone.
HG Wells: I have. And with your gun. Mission accomplished.
[HG Wells tosses the gun toward the council. One of the members catches it, then hands it to another. The gun is suddenly and quickly destroyed.]
HG Wells: What the fuck?!?
You have failed us, Wells. There is to be a reckoning.
I prefer crucible.
Not this again...
HG Wells: Failed you?! I got the McGuffin Gun! And I killed Landozzel when he became fractured and unreliable! My initiation is complete!
Initiation? We just outsourced a job to you, nothing more.
HG Wells: You said you knew what I was thinking and approved! And I was thinking that this was all an initiation!
We lied. Duh.
Plus your callous disregard for the other villains - for contracted villains, no less - warrants punishment. Punishment of the highest and most awful order!
HG Wells: Punishment?! What about a trial?
The trial is over! And the verdict is guilty. Guilty of the one unforgiveable crime...failure!
HG Wells: Ok, that's it....I'm calling you stupid cartoon and toy villains out!
....WHAT?!?
HG Wells: I have heard the animated GI Joe movie quoted TWICE now in the course of this whole affair. And one of your totally just ripped off The Venture Brothers with that "crucible" line. So it's clear what this is....you're all just a group of cartoon and toy villains who are not viable for motion picture adaptation because, quite frankly, you probably pretty much all suck.
.....ok, that's impressive.
Yes. Most impressive.
I really didn't think he'd catch those.
Good show, Mr. Wells.
HG Wells: So let's have it. On with the lights so that I can chastise the lot of you!
[The lights turn on....and HG Wells is dumbfounded and appalled. Indeed, it is a collection of rejected-for-the-big-screen cartoon and toy villains. Golobulus, supreme master of Cobra-La....Bludgeon, Decepticon Pretender who looks like a hulking samurai Skeletor....Cy-Kill, diabolical motorcycle Go-Bot....Krulos, ruler of the Rulons and big bad of the Dino-Riders....Shadow Weaver, evil minion of the Horde....Miles Mayhem, leader of VENOM and anti-MASK enthusiast....and the Monarch, arch-nemesis of the Venture Brothers. But not one of them is even a real living being. Instead, they are nothing more than a series of cardboard cutouts.]
Golobulus: Haha! So you have deduced on true identities! Well then, have at you! Mince us with your awful words!
Bludgeon: I'm a Transformer with a skull for a face! It makes no damn sense to people anymore! Nowadays the kids want their Transformers to look like metallic abortions.Krulos: I mocked myself openly because even I understand the Dino-Riders have an appeal that never escaped the 1980's!
Miles Mayhem: I wear a helmet, not a mask! Why are they even called MASK if they wear helmets too?!
Shadow Weaver: And I had the gaul to make fun of Voltron. Me, who was in that She-Ra cartoon...that was way more awful than Voltron ever was!
Monarch: And I don't even know why I'm here. Venture Brothers is still alive and well on Adult Swim. They could totally do a Venture Brothers movie at some point. But instead I'm just slumming here with these plebes and MINIONS!!!!
[Pause]
HG Wells: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?!
[Long pause. Finally, the cardboard figures fall aside and 2 men rise up from behind the table.]
Cosmos: Ok, fine, we'll stop.
Chronos: Toldja we should've gone for the CGI. But you had to cheapskate it and do cardboard cutouts.
HG Wells: Cosmos and Chronos?!? What is this, what's going on here?!?
Cosmos: You're smarter than this, Wellsy. Figure it out.
Chronos: Oh trust me, he just keeps reacting like this for a few more minutes without any plot development. Can we just transmogrify him now?
Cosmos: Fine, go ahead.
[Chronos points at HG Wells and a beam of energy lashes out and consumes HG Wells. Wells screams in agony as his body is turned inside out. The energy dissipates and what remaings of Herbert George Wells lies in a heap on the cold metal floor. He slowly stands up, and looks at himself.]
HG Wells: You've...you've turned me INSIDE OUT!!!
Cosmos: Nice, and you managed to turn just his body inside out. The clothes are still intact.
Chronos: Yeah no one wants to see an inside out dong.
HG Wells: Why have you done this?!?
Chronos: Hey, we have totally increased your menace by like a thousand percent. Who's gonna fuck with HG Wells the Inside Out Man?!
Cosmos: It's not the obvious Invisible Man riff, it's slightly askew and even more twisted. One of Chronos' better ideas, really.
HG Wells: What is this all about?! I thought you were the good guys. But....you're not?!
Cosmos: Oh, no explanations just yet. Our plans have yet to evolve to fruition. So for now....we're putting you in storage.
HG Wells: What does thaaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
[Suddenly the Super Collider reappears out of nowhere with black hole portal on full blast. HG Wells is sucked into the abysmal void, which closes up behind him. Super Collider points to the doorway leading out of the room (yes, there was a doorway here the whole time and yet Wells and Landozzel never used it) and Chronos nods.]
Cosmos: .....so this was all because you wanted to steal your own porn from the basement and move it here?
Chronos: No deliveryman was gonna schlep that stuff from the Continuum to here. UPS came close, but the rates were insane. Constructing a being with both the powers of a black hole and minimal personality was the only way to go.
Cosmos: Piett and Herve could've done it before we....you know...
Chronos [leans back]: Piett and Herve won't live to see the end of this. The downfall of space and time is already in motion, and their deaths are but a cog in the grand scheme of things. [pause] Besides, Herve would found a way to steal most of it for himself. And I can't have my porn being destroyed when the multiverse dies....
*fin*
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