Piett: t?
[Piett looks around, and finds that he is, once again, in a dark room hooked up to tubes and wires and being kept in place against his will.]
Piett: OH SON OF A GOD DAMN ASSHOLE BITCH NO!!!
[Just as he screams, a loud alarm signals, and several lights illuminate the room he is in. As it turns out, Piett is locked inside a giant tank of pink goo, connected to tubes and wires, and as the signal goes off the tank opens up and spills its contents onto the cold yet bright white floor. Piett slides out, the tubes and wires disconnecting from his body parts one last time, and he crashes into a wall.]
[And he's wearing pants, so calm down I'm not providing anymore naked visuals.]
Piett: What the.......Lucas be damned, I cannot believe that was all fake! AGAIN!! All those deaths, all those....how.....wait a minute.....
[Piett, now back on his feet, holds his head and tries to gain his composure.]
Piett: It wasn't fake. [looks around] But how do I know that?! [pause] Oh, ok, that's--wait a minute, who just said that?!?
[Suddenly a door slides open, and a white-suited figure Piett thought he'd never see again emerges.]
Herve: DUDE!!!
Piett: Holy shit! Herve?!?
[Herve runs toward, arms extended, and Piett returns the favor with extended arms of his own. But they don't, as Herve skids to a full stop before he reaches Piett.]
Herve: Oh, maybe when you clean yourself up we can hug.
Piett: Or not.
Herve: ....you have to clean yourself up, dude, this pink junk kinda smells terrible.
Piett: I meant not hug.
Herve: Oh. [kinda dejected?] Ok.
Piett: Herv, where the hell are we?!
Herve: I think we're dead.
Piett: Yeah, ok, we're dead. [pause] Although it explains why everything's white and sleek yet bland.
Herve: I got blown up pretty fucking awful, man. Pretty sure I don't come back from that.
Piett: You REMEMBER that?!?
Herve: Of course. I remember the whole thing. And despite what you might've seen, I did NOT tear up before I died.
Piett: Sure. So.....we're dead.
Herve: Yes.
Piett: And this is....Heaven?
Herve: Or Hell.
[Pause]
Piett: Or Limbo?
Herve: With all the crazy shit we've seen, we could be anywhere.
Piett: And maybe not dead. We've seen a LOT, so until I get confirmation I'm not totally buying the dead thing just yet.
[The door slides open again.]
Herve: Well, that's pretty conclusive.
Jesus: Hey guys.
Piett and Herve: JESUS CHRIST!
Jesus: Boy, that never gets old.
Piett: Jesus, we're REALLY sorry about that whole.....you know....second death thing.
Jesus: Eh, it happens. Trust me, once these things [holds up his hands] get nailed once, you're pretty much numb to it for good after that.
Herve: But you died.
Jesus: No, I was just resting.
Piett [aside to Herve]: Did Jesus just reference a Python joke?
Herve: Yes. Greatest thing EVER.
Jesus: It was the space station blowing the crap up that killed me. And you didn't do that, so no hard feelings. Now come on, let's get going.
Piett: Going? Where?
Herve: To Heaven, dude. We're dead, remember?
Piett: Are we really dead?
Jesus: Just about. This is Limbo, so I guess you could technically be alive too.
Herve: Shit, dude, you called it!
Piett: I didn't mean to, but I guess I did. This *is* Limbo.
Jesus: So come on, let's go meet up with the others.
Piett: Others?
[Jesus, not one for patience or waiting.....which seems to fly in the face of, like, everything they taught at Sunday school about the guy.....leads the 2 out of the bright white room and into a bright white hallway. A snap of his fingers cleans Piett up and clothes him in a white suit, similar to his old Imperial admiral uniform, and they walk toward an open area, where several other figures (also wearing white - seeing the theme here?) await. To Piett's shock....he knows every single one of them, for it seems he's entered a waiting room of Quantum Piett allies and ....and even foes, as the 2 most closest to them in the room, who exclaim loudly and salute them with glasses of wine, prove.]
HG Wells and Landozzel: AYYYYY!!!!
Piett: Oh holy shit, no.
Landozzel: Welcome, old bean. Good to see you made it.
Piett: Ok, clearly I didn't "make it" in the ultimate sense of the term, as we are, apparently, dead. But you two....you were villains last I saw you. And *YOU* [points at HG Wells] were inside out!
HG Wells: Seems I got better.
Landozzel: Yes. This place restores you to some earlier version, where things aren't petty and evil.
Piett: Is it just the recent dead who are here, or...?
[Landozzel and HG Wells extend their arms toward the remaining crowd, and Piett soon sees for himself how assorted this group truly is. Nearby, Supreme Pontiff Hook converses with The Pastor, who bless Piett (then chuckle) as he walks by. Ben the Spider-Man and Tom Arnold approach and they all shake hands like old friends would. In a far corner, George Gaynes waves vociferously as he is flanked by Cecil and James Cameron. Even Tarkin, standing alone, darkly glares but nonetheless nods his greetings. The Webmaster and Dot Com, holding hands, wave politely and embrace. He and Herve acknowledge others as they walk past a confused and very irriated old (dead) woman.]
Bea Arthur: Does anyone know or CARE how long I've been here?! I died in real life months ago yet they kept me hanging around here so I could reunite with fictional characters?!? Christ...Jackson got in quicker than I did, and he had sex with young men!
Brainia: Well, to be fair, so did you.
Bea Arthur: What?! No, that's disgusting!!
Brainia: Oh, I'm sorry. Women, then?
Bea Arthur: You sick little broad, *I'm* a woman! I had sex with men!
Brainia: Shit, really?? I just thought you were a very butch gay man.
Witchgirl: You couldn't tell she was a woman? [hugs her from behind] That brain's gone all soft, babe. But I still love you.
Booster Rocket: Oh, and don't they love each other. They've just been banging the whole time we've been here.
Herve: Typical. I always miss all the hot lesbian banging.
Booster Rocket: Oh, trust me, it was a bit much.
Jungle Girl: Even for you, sweetheart?
Booster Rocket: I know. I've always been sexist, but even *I* have my limits.
Jungle Girl [turns to the other women with them]: So he's out of the big gangbang. Guess it's a 4-way with just us girls then.
Kara Power: Oh, absolutely.
Witchgirl and Brainia: Sweet!
Booster Rocket [sighs]: Me and my big mouth.
Jungle Girl: Ooh, that's right. Big mouth. Ok, girls, he's back in.
Booster Rocket: Woohoo!
Piett: Hey, wait....Madchen Amick?!
Madchen Amick: What? Do you know why I'm here? Seriously, one minute I'm alive and then I'm dead and....wherever this is.
Herve: Limbo. [to Piett] Holy crap, dude, that was your first Quantum girlfriend from like 10 years ago!
Madchen Amick: Quantum what? Someone please tell me what's happening here. I want to know if my family is ok.
Piett: You don't remember me........Ishmael? Uh, I mean Firmus?
Madchen Amick: I can honestly say I don't even remember you.
Herve: Ouch.
Madchen Amick: Oh, no insult meant. I'm just a notorious whore in my personal relationships, so I've dated and done so many people between you & I being together and right now, that I really don't even remember you. At all.
[Considerably awkward pause.]
Herve: I'm still saying "ouch" to that.
[Piett walks away quickly to avoid anymore awkwardness.]
Herve: Doesn't remember you. I guess we call that....Quantum withdrawal? [pause] Man, wish more people had that. [pause] And to be fair, I didn't remember her either. I'm impressed Walsh did.
Piett: You don't forget her, man. She did this thing......with her.......upside down.....wow.....maybe I should go--
Lucy: Hi.
Piett: Oh. Hey.
Herve: Oh my. [runs away]
Piett: So....you're here too?
Lucy: Looks like it. Figured I'd be dead along with my brother.
Piett: Your brother.....did this?
Lucy: Apparently. From what [points to Jesus, who's apparently found a friendly audience with actor William Daniels] told me, my brother is very much gone. Forever.
Piett: But....isn't he the Devil?
Lucy: Yeah. Hell's gone too. It's just one game in town now...and I guess we're all heading there now.
Piett: Everyone? [looks at a few of the nefarious folk nearby] Really?
Lucy: Yup. I guess given these...bizarre circumstances, it looks like He's gonna waive the usual rules and let us ALL in.
Piett: Wow. So.....where's that leave us?
Lucy: Well, all the evil awful stuff I felt is....gone now, it seems, and we'll probably be seeing each other a lot up there for the rest of....well ever, so......friends?
Piett: Sure. That works. [they shake hands...then immediately make out]
Lucy: Wow.
Piett: I know.
Lucy: Friends with benefits?
Piett: It's still friends.
[They make out more. Herve, from across the room, is with several other allies and friends.]
Herve: Oh my God, she's eating his face!!!
George Gaynes: No, they're kissing.
Herve: Well, that's ending nicely. Again.
Ben the Spider-Man: Yeah, because it worked so well the first time.
[Herve kicks Ben the Spider-Man in the dick.]
Webmaster: Whoa, geez, what was that for?!
Herve: That was for that crack about you having allies in heaven and then dying after you insulted us from like 20 stories ago, you bastard!!
Ben the Spider-Man: When did....[vomits]....that happen?!?
Tom Arnold: Yeah. He died wacking off to porn too much.
Herve: You can DIE from that?!
Tom Arnold: He found a way.
Herve: Oh wait, I was thinking of that other alternate universe which didn't technically happen or whatever the fuck that plot twist was. Shit, sorry 'bout that, Ben. [helps him up]
Jesus: Ok everybody, it's time to go....
[Everyone gathers together, as a sleek escalator appears out of nowhere. Bea Arthur, fed up with this foolishness, is first and walks up at quite a pace.]
Jesus: Everyone follow the angry man walking 2 steps at a time. It's time to go to Heaven.
Piett: We've been to Heaven.
Herve: Several times.
Jesus: But you were able to leave. You can't now. It's over, Johnny, it's over.
Herve: NOTHING IS OVER!!!
Piett: Jesus Christ....Jesus Christ is quoting Python *and* Rambo in the same story? I have lived long enough.
Herve: I wasn't quoting anyone.
Piett: Dude......let it go.
[The crowd of characters start filing up the escalator. The first few walk, disappearing into the bright light above, while others are lazy and just stand there pissing off those stuck behind them who can't get around.]
Herve: So this is it, man. We're clearly dead.
Piett: Yeah....I guess we are.
Herve: Any regrets?
Piett [holding Lucy's hand]: No, not really.
Herve: Alright then. Let's go.
[As HG Wells and Landozzel turn back and wave as they walk up the stairs into the great unknown, Jesus walks Piett, Lucy and Herve onto the escalator.]
Herve: Heh. It's an actual stairway to heaven. That just hit me now.
Lucy: Wow, you are as slow and dumb as ever. [hugs him] Never change.
[They ascend toward the light. Piett looks down over the edge of the moving stairs, into a dark abyss.]
Piett: What's that down there?
Jesus: Oblivion. Or not. Don't really know, it's a great vast unknown and I prefer it stay that way.
[Piett nods, then looks back down into the darkness, then to Herve, then to Lucy. Finally, he sighs.]
Piett: ...........I have to do this, don't I?
Lucy: Do what?
[Without explanation, Piett kisses Lucy's cheek and leaps off the escalator, into the void below.]
Lucy: WHAT?!?!
Herve: OH MY GOD!!!!
Jesus: ME!!!!!!
Lucy: That asshole just jumped! [pause] He could've had ME for eternity, yet he chose jumping into a dark void!!
Herve: Shit, dude, seriously?! Where's that go?!
Jesus: I.....I just said I don't know!!
[Pause]
Herve: Oh fuck this!!!
[Herve climbs up and jumps down into the void as well.]
Jesus: AAHHHH!!!
Lucy: They BOTH JUMPED?!?!?! To their deaths?!?
Jesus: I.......I have no idea what just happened!! [pause] And it feels awesome! Oh man, thousands of years and nothing has amazed me more than those 2 doing that!
Lucy: What.....how......well, screw those 2, I'm going up to Heaven.
Jesus: Cool.
Lucy: You're not leaping behind after them? Some sorta neverending cosmic chase to get them back?
Jesus: Shit no. I have no idea where they went. And all my stuff is in Heaven. [pause] You know, I've never had a hot redhead over to my apartment before.
Lucy: Are you serious. The Son of God is hitting on me?
[Jesus nods, and Lucy smirks.]
Lucy: My brother would absolutely adore this if he was here right now.
Jesus: And your brother is....?
Lucy: Seriously.
[Pause]
Lucy: ......James Gandolfini. My brother is the guy who played Tony Soprano.
Jesus: Uh, ok. And why would he care in particular about this?
Lucy: Oh Jesus....[takes him by the arm]....the fun we are gonna have...
[And as they ascend, the light overwhelms them and they are gone. The players have entered the light....and entered the darkness. The tale has comes to its conclusion, whether it will continue or not is unknown. But lo, there even comes a time when the adventures of Quantum Piett.........
Piett: Huh. This really is a void. [pause] Well, I have fucked up here somethin' awful.
Herve: aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
*fin*
-Sean Walsh, 11/25/09
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The Final Epilogue Finale
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Armageddon Spectacular, Book 5: The...END?!
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the earth. Many earths. Many many earths. He created all life and every detail of it, in an array of dimensions and universes, to infinite perfection.
....then he took a day off and left managing it all to someone else.
That's where we came in.
The kingdom of Natori-Vilal was the initial collection of powers that ensured the universe and all in it and around it ran smoothly. Over time, several beings were dispatched throughout it to watch over it....to guide and protect it. Their names don't even register with me anymore. They were lost over the countless eons, to a variety of manners, or still traverse the cosmic trails today.
I do not care.
But in the end, all it came down to was just 2. The masters of Space and Time, granted superlative power over all others. And over the endless billions of years we amassed more and more power. Those who could not handle their powers gave them to us, and we usurped the powers of those we felt would harm Creation. Under our watchful eyes, universes went through their natural progression - they were born, and then they died. To us, the complexities of the fabric of existance were like basic math and spelling skills are to an educated child. We evolved beyond evolution, became beings that could create and kill upon a touch or with the merest of thoughts.
Then we got lazy. Horribly lazy. We felt it was necessary to use the beings that inhabited our universes to help us guard and patrol them. Such little things, such selfish, vile and sadistic things! All their weaknesses, all their imperfections....yet they fulfilled their meager tasks with acceptable results.
We trusted them, enabled them....even cared for them.
And thus our own weakness was revealed. We were not perfect. We were not gods. We saw mortals in a biased light of ignorance and compassion. Our emotions overcame us and reduced us to their levels.
But we had the power. Oh, and such power! The power to take all and crush it, to reshape it as we wanted. Galaxies could be erased with ease, whole lifeforms could be created and uncreated at our whim. We ran unchecked and could bring all that we surveyed under our control!
Then you happened, Firmus Piett. You and your.....love affair.
You were nothing more than just another minion. You and your friend Herve, a cosmic curiosity himself but insignificant in the end. But then you somehow seducing the Hellion herself, and aroused once more the attention of......the Holy Vacationer.
He suddenly saw us for what we were. MONSTERS, he cried out in his great bolded voice! And he reduced our powers infinitely! No longer could we run our unwielded power across the depths of space and time. We were....emasculated. Mere caretakers who watched from afar and sent others to do our work for us.
We needed the power..........because it fueled us, because it FED us. It was a hunger we could not live without! And unlike most others, you and Herve fulfilled our hunger the best. Your pointlessness and insipidness somehow became more delicious and nourishing as the years progressed. Your "ridiculous battles" across the timelines and timescapes served no real purpose beyond satiating our hunger. But despite this appreciation of your imaginative talents and situations, you were nothing more than useful tools to us in the end.
Chronos: And now.....we come to the end. The fulfillment of a billion billion years. Our sordid back story....[scoops up the fragmented remains of Cosmos' skull]....well, our back story....[tosses it away].....is the last thing you will ever hear.
[Pause]
Chronos: No snappy comeback. I'm almost sad, if I could bother to remember what that emotion was anymore.
[Piett, still overcome by the events of the last few minutes, sits crumpled on the floor amongst Jim Ferr, his dasughters and the Webmaster.]
Webmaster: You'll excuse him if he justed watch his best friend die, you bastard!
Chronos: And I killed mine yet still managed to get through that diatribe. I tire of this. Pick them up.
[HG Wells, the Man-Mammoth and Super Collider surround the heroes and lift them to their feet.]
Jim Ferr: You can't kill us like this! We don't even know why, Lucy....why?!?
Lucy: I'm the fucking devil, you idiot. In all the years we were together, you never say this inevitability coming?!
Chronos: He's a mere mortal, my love. [caresses her midsection] Oh, the tale of how this happened...
Lucy: Dearest, I'm afraid you're falling for the classic villainous trick of overexplaining your side of things and your nefarious plans.
Piett: Tell me. [yells] TELL ME!!!
Chronos [smirks]: But he asked so rudely. Let me torture him.
[Lucy silently smiles as he chuckles.]
Chronos: You see, Piett, no one master of the continuum can exist without the other. When I myself died those several years ago, Cosmos had my sister Chronosia to fill the void of my death. But when my sister died at his irresponsible hands, that convinced me that I needed a stronger companion. One not able to die so easily, or to kill without much thought put into it. I needed a better mate. And a female one, because even a cosmic superpower gets lonely and has needs. So who better to pick than your dear Lucy. A woman of absoulte perfection, whose only flaw was......her own mate. So I got in her ear, as you'd say, and convinced her to change her demands of him, ever so slightly, until finally her imperfect mortal mate abandoned her. And when you stumbled back into her life, and ended up destroying the very realm of Hell as a result - an event that somehow bypassed the watchful eye of [points up] - I preserved her in this device, a cosmic suspension which would both keep her flawless personage intact and also rewrite her very essence to be able to house and control the powers we Natori-Vilali were created to possess. I then decided to abandon my own "mate," Cosmos, by driving him over the brink of stereotypical evil madness, until finally he was broken in both body and mind, where I connected Lucy's suspension tank to his dying body and transferred his power into her rebuilt body.
[Chronos genuflects to his mistress of space, and they mock Piett with a callous and overly dramatic make-out session. If Herve was still alive, even HE'D roll his eyes and not be turned on by it. Well, maybe a little turned on.]
Wells: Can we finish this, master? [Chronos waves his hand in approval] Excellent. Man-Mammoth, make them watch this.....Super Collider! KILL the children!
Super Collider: Wait, what? Oh........no, no I can't kill them. Look at 'em. They're so adorable.
[Brooke and Tracie giggle and do other cute baby stuff.]
Super Collider: Awwwwww seriously, so cute!
Wells: Fool! Obey me!
Super Collider: Killing kids was never part of the--
[Suddenly Brooke and Tracie pull 2 large sharp objects - almost like knitting needles - out of the napsack and forcibly stab Super Collider in the neck.]
Super Collider: ARRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! MY NECK!!!!!!! YOU'VE STABBED IT!!!!! WHY DIDN'T I SEE THIS COMING?!?!?!?! WHY!!!!!!!!! RRAGGHHHHHRUARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Jim Ferr: How can he be screaming and yelling so much with those 2 things jammed on both sides of his neck? He should be dead by now. And when did you start knitting, Ashley? This just makes no sen--
Ashley: Dammit, dad, DO SOMETHING TO SAVE YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!
[Super Collider continues his horrific death throes, as the napsack slips around his arm and he struggles to remove the 2 needles from his bloodied neck. Jim Ferr runs to get his children, but a sudden pulse blasts from the Super Collider's cybernetically enhanced body and sends him and all others within reach flying back. He stumbles back toward the windows of the bridge, as sparks begin to fly and more pulse waves emit from him.]
Super Collider: No.......malfunctions corrupting........failure to.....contain....EXPLOOOOOOOODE!!!!
[Suddenly the Super Collider's black hole vortex, now unchecked and under no living being's control, erupts and rocks the entire bridge with a massive explosion (or rather, implosion?), destroying a radius of about 50 feet around him in the interior of the bridge. Ship claxons alarm and the entire ship begins to shake and lose control of its own navigation abilities, as everyone within the ship feels the hideously cold void of outer space. The Super Collider, with the 2 children still on him, falls out into the depths of space and toward the Earth.
Everyone within the ship, all of whom are positioned far enough away, feel the tug of anti-gravity and hold onto something....anything....for dear life. A chain of people forms - despite their opposing alliegances, the time for conflict has been very much paused for all present. At the very end of this chain of struggling survivors is the Man-Mammoth, whose giant mutated hands quickly lose their grip on Piett's leg, and he falls. But Piett catchs him, by the tusk, and holds on. But the strength of the void's suction is too much; however, instead of Piett's grip loosening, his grip stays firm and it is Man-Mammoth's very tusk that begins to tear out of his face. He yells in pain, until finally the tusk is pulled completely out, and the behemoth mutant plummets out of the ship. Emergency shields finally activate and seal off the bridge, but they are a bit too late for at least one, as the Man-Mammoth is consumed by the cold embrace of deep space.
With gravity restored, the momentum of Piett's arm sends the tusk flying out of his hands, and towards HG Wells.]
HG Wells: No.
[The tusk rams straight through his head, and after sending his body careening against the ravaged main console of the ship, HG Wells' body twitches moves for the final time.]
Chronos: Damnable fools. This is the LAST time I put any trust in your mortal men.
[Chronos sends an energy blast toward the heroes, still recovering from the cosmic calamity, which knocks them to and fro. Jim Ferr tries to attack, but Chronos blasts again and sends him flying to the other side of the damaged bridge. Ashley is next, but she is stopped by Lucy Ferr and backhanded to the ground. The Webmaster summons several small bullet points out of thin air and hurls them at the masters of time and space, but they stop them in mid-air and send them careening back at the cyberspacial guru. They pierce and tear through his body and he falls to the ground, his life now very much in question. They finally descend on Piett, who is still down and not yet recovered.]
Chronos: And so it comes to this. [rolls up his sleeves] I'm going to do something that should've been done long ago.
[He savagely kicks Piett in the face.]
Chronos: Beat some sense into you.
[As his lover Lucy looks on gleefully, Chronos proceeds to just lay a beating down on Piett. Off to the side, Jim Ferr tends to his dasughter Ashley, but she shrugs him off and instead directs him to tend to the dying Webmaster. Jim complies and takes the Webmaster in his arms.]
Jim Ferr: It's ok, Webmaster, you'll be fine.
Webmaster: No....[coughs up blood]....no, this is the end for me...
Jim Ferr: Oh geez, don't say that man. What do I do? What can I do to help you?
Webmaster: There's.....there's one chance. When I came back to....all this....I had a wish....a wish I couldn't use....until there was desperation...this is that moment, and I knew.....I knew it'd take me dying to get it to work......you are that chance, Jim....
Jim Ferr: What are you...? Me? Are you saying I'm our only chance? But I'm nobody, I'm--
Webmaster: Nobody? Oh, my friend.....you don't know...? [coughs] Heh. Looks like I missed a retcon.
Jim Ferr: Wha?
Webmaster: You're our only hope now.....and I wish.....wish you to.....[pulls Jim Ferr closer]....remember....
[Lucy turns from Chronos' beating and toward the duo, feeling something.....terrible.]
Lucy: What--?!
[The Webmaster's life slips away, and suddenly a powerful burst of mystical energy erupts from his very mouth. All around him are affected. Lucy is first to feel the effects, as she shudders and falls to the ground. Suddenly, her brother Jim Ferr bursts into flames and screams, but instead of being destroyed by the flames, they engulf him....and rebuild him. Gone goes the form of man, and arises its in place....The Boss. His howls of pain turn into howls of anger and hate, as his powers recollect themselves and abandon his sister, now powerless.]
Boss: YOU......YOU!!!!!
Lucy Ferr: No......it can't......no.......NO!!!!!!!
[With a rage unlike any that's ever been seen, the Boss explodes in anger and sends all his furious hellpowers toward his dear sister Lucy. She tries to shield herself, but even the mistress of space has no chance of survival, and the flames of Hell unleashed consume her and incinerate her completely. There is literally nothing left of her when the Boss's rage finally subsides.]
Chronos: What? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
[Chronos screams and runs, stumbling and falling to the ground where his Lucy once lay.]
Ashley: No!!!!
[Ashley suddenly begins to fade away, the effects of the mystical burst now affecting her. Because her father is now the Boss, and was never the simple human Jim Ferr, she is ceasing to exist.]
Piett: Oh no, NO!
[The weakened Piett reaches out to her, but Ashley's hand evaporates and she vanishes into non-existance.
And just outside the ship, the Earth itself blinks out of existance, its ravage destruction by a newly born black hole muted to the ears of man by the rules of astrophysics.]
Chronos: No, the Earth! NOOO!!! The Super Collider....his fall.....his powers erupted and destroyed the Earth...DESTROYED MY EARTH!!!! [falls to his knees] That was to be my kingdom.....[looks to where Lucy Ferr was destroyed].....our kingdom. To rule the multiverse....a multiverse I would recreate....just for her.....
[As he sobs, the Boss walks up to him.]
Boss: This ends.
Chronos: Yes. [with tears in his eyes] Yes it does.
[Without a shred of regret, the Boss sends 2 eyebeams of molten hell straight through Chronos' head. The Boss walks away from his fallen corpse, which decays and blows away into dust, and toward a very injured Piett.
Around them, outside the ship, the very stars begin to disappear. Some fade, others blink out, other burst into atoms - the distortion of time itself failing allows the human eyes to see things that would take eons to travel through the vastness of the universe. With no semblance of space and time anymore, their masters now atomized into nothingness, the universe around them is dying. And outside its realm, other universes die as well. The fabric of space and time begins to unravel. Whole parts of the cosmos are literally falling apart. The blackness of space begins to peel away and turn white.
The Executor II slowly turns from the location of the destroyed space station and toward the black hole void that was once the Earth below them. Unable to function on its own, it slowly descends into its oblivion. Its once majestic form breaks apart and is torn asunder.
The Boss stands over a injured Piett, who is coughing up blood and clearly not doing very well at all.]
Piett: So.....this is it, huh?
Boss: Yes. This is the end of everything. [looks down] Are you afraid?
Piett: Scared.....[coughs up blood].....shitless.
Boss: Hrm. Even to the end, your....character remains. [smirks]
Piett: Oh, just end it already.
Boss: Not quite. [looks out into space] Oblivion...and other developments...have claimed whatever passion I had toward wanton death. It's not just the end of you, it's the end of me as well. There is no Hell, there is no hate. This is the only place I have left, and now there is only the coming void to embrace us all. So why not do one last thing....to make amends.
Piett: [coughs] What.....what do you....
[The Boss kneels down and places his hand on Piett's head. Around them, everything fades to white.]
Piett: Heh. S'funny.
Boss: What?
Piett: I died here once, on this ship....long timeago, far far away...who die here again?
Boss: Heh. [closes his eyes] Not quite.
Piett: Wha
....then he took a day off and left managing it all to someone else.
That's where we came in.
The kingdom of Natori-Vilal was the initial collection of powers that ensured the universe and all in it and around it ran smoothly. Over time, several beings were dispatched throughout it to watch over it....to guide and protect it. Their names don't even register with me anymore. They were lost over the countless eons, to a variety of manners, or still traverse the cosmic trails today.
I do not care.
But in the end, all it came down to was just 2. The masters of Space and Time, granted superlative power over all others. And over the endless billions of years we amassed more and more power. Those who could not handle their powers gave them to us, and we usurped the powers of those we felt would harm Creation. Under our watchful eyes, universes went through their natural progression - they were born, and then they died. To us, the complexities of the fabric of existance were like basic math and spelling skills are to an educated child. We evolved beyond evolution, became beings that could create and kill upon a touch or with the merest of thoughts.
Then we got lazy. Horribly lazy. We felt it was necessary to use the beings that inhabited our universes to help us guard and patrol them. Such little things, such selfish, vile and sadistic things! All their weaknesses, all their imperfections....yet they fulfilled their meager tasks with acceptable results.
We trusted them, enabled them....even cared for them.
And thus our own weakness was revealed. We were not perfect. We were not gods. We saw mortals in a biased light of ignorance and compassion. Our emotions overcame us and reduced us to their levels.
But we had the power. Oh, and such power! The power to take all and crush it, to reshape it as we wanted. Galaxies could be erased with ease, whole lifeforms could be created and uncreated at our whim. We ran unchecked and could bring all that we surveyed under our control!
Then you happened, Firmus Piett. You and your.....love affair.
You were nothing more than just another minion. You and your friend Herve, a cosmic curiosity himself but insignificant in the end. But then you somehow seducing the Hellion herself, and aroused once more the attention of......the Holy Vacationer.
He suddenly saw us for what we were. MONSTERS, he cried out in his great bolded voice! And he reduced our powers infinitely! No longer could we run our unwielded power across the depths of space and time. We were....emasculated. Mere caretakers who watched from afar and sent others to do our work for us.
We needed the power..........because it fueled us, because it FED us. It was a hunger we could not live without! And unlike most others, you and Herve fulfilled our hunger the best. Your pointlessness and insipidness somehow became more delicious and nourishing as the years progressed. Your "ridiculous battles" across the timelines and timescapes served no real purpose beyond satiating our hunger. But despite this appreciation of your imaginative talents and situations, you were nothing more than useful tools to us in the end.
Chronos: And now.....we come to the end. The fulfillment of a billion billion years. Our sordid back story....[scoops up the fragmented remains of Cosmos' skull]....well, our back story....[tosses it away].....is the last thing you will ever hear.
[Pause]
Chronos: No snappy comeback. I'm almost sad, if I could bother to remember what that emotion was anymore.
[Piett, still overcome by the events of the last few minutes, sits crumpled on the floor amongst Jim Ferr, his dasughters and the Webmaster.]
Webmaster: You'll excuse him if he justed watch his best friend die, you bastard!
Chronos: And I killed mine yet still managed to get through that diatribe. I tire of this. Pick them up.
[HG Wells, the Man-Mammoth and Super Collider surround the heroes and lift them to their feet.]
Jim Ferr: You can't kill us like this! We don't even know why, Lucy....why?!?
Lucy: I'm the fucking devil, you idiot. In all the years we were together, you never say this inevitability coming?!
Chronos: He's a mere mortal, my love. [caresses her midsection] Oh, the tale of how this happened...
Lucy: Dearest, I'm afraid you're falling for the classic villainous trick of overexplaining your side of things and your nefarious plans.
Piett: Tell me. [yells] TELL ME!!!
Chronos [smirks]: But he asked so rudely. Let me torture him.
[Lucy silently smiles as he chuckles.]
Chronos: You see, Piett, no one master of the continuum can exist without the other. When I myself died those several years ago, Cosmos had my sister Chronosia to fill the void of my death. But when my sister died at his irresponsible hands, that convinced me that I needed a stronger companion. One not able to die so easily, or to kill without much thought put into it. I needed a better mate. And a female one, because even a cosmic superpower gets lonely and has needs. So who better to pick than your dear Lucy. A woman of absoulte perfection, whose only flaw was......her own mate. So I got in her ear, as you'd say, and convinced her to change her demands of him, ever so slightly, until finally her imperfect mortal mate abandoned her. And when you stumbled back into her life, and ended up destroying the very realm of Hell as a result - an event that somehow bypassed the watchful eye of [points up] - I preserved her in this device, a cosmic suspension which would both keep her flawless personage intact and also rewrite her very essence to be able to house and control the powers we Natori-Vilali were created to possess. I then decided to abandon my own "mate," Cosmos, by driving him over the brink of stereotypical evil madness, until finally he was broken in both body and mind, where I connected Lucy's suspension tank to his dying body and transferred his power into her rebuilt body.
[Chronos genuflects to his mistress of space, and they mock Piett with a callous and overly dramatic make-out session. If Herve was still alive, even HE'D roll his eyes and not be turned on by it. Well, maybe a little turned on.]
Wells: Can we finish this, master? [Chronos waves his hand in approval] Excellent. Man-Mammoth, make them watch this.....Super Collider! KILL the children!
Super Collider: Wait, what? Oh........no, no I can't kill them. Look at 'em. They're so adorable.
[Brooke and Tracie giggle and do other cute baby stuff.]
Super Collider: Awwwwww seriously, so cute!
Wells: Fool! Obey me!
Super Collider: Killing kids was never part of the--
[Suddenly Brooke and Tracie pull 2 large sharp objects - almost like knitting needles - out of the napsack and forcibly stab Super Collider in the neck.]
Super Collider: ARRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! MY NECK!!!!!!! YOU'VE STABBED IT!!!!! WHY DIDN'T I SEE THIS COMING?!?!?!?! WHY!!!!!!!!! RRAGGHHHHHRUARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Jim Ferr: How can he be screaming and yelling so much with those 2 things jammed on both sides of his neck? He should be dead by now. And when did you start knitting, Ashley? This just makes no sen--
Ashley: Dammit, dad, DO SOMETHING TO SAVE YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!
[Super Collider continues his horrific death throes, as the napsack slips around his arm and he struggles to remove the 2 needles from his bloodied neck. Jim Ferr runs to get his children, but a sudden pulse blasts from the Super Collider's cybernetically enhanced body and sends him and all others within reach flying back. He stumbles back toward the windows of the bridge, as sparks begin to fly and more pulse waves emit from him.]
Super Collider: No.......malfunctions corrupting........failure to.....contain....EXPLOOOOOOOODE!!!!
[Suddenly the Super Collider's black hole vortex, now unchecked and under no living being's control, erupts and rocks the entire bridge with a massive explosion (or rather, implosion?), destroying a radius of about 50 feet around him in the interior of the bridge. Ship claxons alarm and the entire ship begins to shake and lose control of its own navigation abilities, as everyone within the ship feels the hideously cold void of outer space. The Super Collider, with the 2 children still on him, falls out into the depths of space and toward the Earth.
Everyone within the ship, all of whom are positioned far enough away, feel the tug of anti-gravity and hold onto something....anything....for dear life. A chain of people forms - despite their opposing alliegances, the time for conflict has been very much paused for all present. At the very end of this chain of struggling survivors is the Man-Mammoth, whose giant mutated hands quickly lose their grip on Piett's leg, and he falls. But Piett catchs him, by the tusk, and holds on. But the strength of the void's suction is too much; however, instead of Piett's grip loosening, his grip stays firm and it is Man-Mammoth's very tusk that begins to tear out of his face. He yells in pain, until finally the tusk is pulled completely out, and the behemoth mutant plummets out of the ship. Emergency shields finally activate and seal off the bridge, but they are a bit too late for at least one, as the Man-Mammoth is consumed by the cold embrace of deep space.
With gravity restored, the momentum of Piett's arm sends the tusk flying out of his hands, and towards HG Wells.]
HG Wells: No.
[The tusk rams straight through his head, and after sending his body careening against the ravaged main console of the ship, HG Wells' body twitches moves for the final time.]
Chronos: Damnable fools. This is the LAST time I put any trust in your mortal men.
[Chronos sends an energy blast toward the heroes, still recovering from the cosmic calamity, which knocks them to and fro. Jim Ferr tries to attack, but Chronos blasts again and sends him flying to the other side of the damaged bridge. Ashley is next, but she is stopped by Lucy Ferr and backhanded to the ground. The Webmaster summons several small bullet points out of thin air and hurls them at the masters of time and space, but they stop them in mid-air and send them careening back at the cyberspacial guru. They pierce and tear through his body and he falls to the ground, his life now very much in question. They finally descend on Piett, who is still down and not yet recovered.]
Chronos: And so it comes to this. [rolls up his sleeves] I'm going to do something that should've been done long ago.
[He savagely kicks Piett in the face.]
Chronos: Beat some sense into you.
[As his lover Lucy looks on gleefully, Chronos proceeds to just lay a beating down on Piett. Off to the side, Jim Ferr tends to his dasughter Ashley, but she shrugs him off and instead directs him to tend to the dying Webmaster. Jim complies and takes the Webmaster in his arms.]
Jim Ferr: It's ok, Webmaster, you'll be fine.
Webmaster: No....[coughs up blood]....no, this is the end for me...
Jim Ferr: Oh geez, don't say that man. What do I do? What can I do to help you?
Webmaster: There's.....there's one chance. When I came back to....all this....I had a wish....a wish I couldn't use....until there was desperation...this is that moment, and I knew.....I knew it'd take me dying to get it to work......you are that chance, Jim....
Jim Ferr: What are you...? Me? Are you saying I'm our only chance? But I'm nobody, I'm--
Webmaster: Nobody? Oh, my friend.....you don't know...? [coughs] Heh. Looks like I missed a retcon.
Jim Ferr: Wha?
Webmaster: You're our only hope now.....and I wish.....wish you to.....[pulls Jim Ferr closer]....remember....
[Lucy turns from Chronos' beating and toward the duo, feeling something.....terrible.]
Lucy: What--?!
[The Webmaster's life slips away, and suddenly a powerful burst of mystical energy erupts from his very mouth. All around him are affected. Lucy is first to feel the effects, as she shudders and falls to the ground. Suddenly, her brother Jim Ferr bursts into flames and screams, but instead of being destroyed by the flames, they engulf him....and rebuild him. Gone goes the form of man, and arises its in place....The Boss. His howls of pain turn into howls of anger and hate, as his powers recollect themselves and abandon his sister, now powerless.]
Boss: YOU......YOU!!!!!
Lucy Ferr: No......it can't......no.......NO!!!!!!!
[With a rage unlike any that's ever been seen, the Boss explodes in anger and sends all his furious hellpowers toward his dear sister Lucy. She tries to shield herself, but even the mistress of space has no chance of survival, and the flames of Hell unleashed consume her and incinerate her completely. There is literally nothing left of her when the Boss's rage finally subsides.]
Chronos: What? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
[Chronos screams and runs, stumbling and falling to the ground where his Lucy once lay.]
Ashley: No!!!!
[Ashley suddenly begins to fade away, the effects of the mystical burst now affecting her. Because her father is now the Boss, and was never the simple human Jim Ferr, she is ceasing to exist.]
Piett: Oh no, NO!
[The weakened Piett reaches out to her, but Ashley's hand evaporates and she vanishes into non-existance.
And just outside the ship, the Earth itself blinks out of existance, its ravage destruction by a newly born black hole muted to the ears of man by the rules of astrophysics.]
Chronos: No, the Earth! NOOO!!! The Super Collider....his fall.....his powers erupted and destroyed the Earth...DESTROYED MY EARTH!!!! [falls to his knees] That was to be my kingdom.....[looks to where Lucy Ferr was destroyed].....our kingdom. To rule the multiverse....a multiverse I would recreate....just for her.....
[As he sobs, the Boss walks up to him.]
Boss: This ends.
Chronos: Yes. [with tears in his eyes] Yes it does.
[Without a shred of regret, the Boss sends 2 eyebeams of molten hell straight through Chronos' head. The Boss walks away from his fallen corpse, which decays and blows away into dust, and toward a very injured Piett.
Around them, outside the ship, the very stars begin to disappear. Some fade, others blink out, other burst into atoms - the distortion of time itself failing allows the human eyes to see things that would take eons to travel through the vastness of the universe. With no semblance of space and time anymore, their masters now atomized into nothingness, the universe around them is dying. And outside its realm, other universes die as well. The fabric of space and time begins to unravel. Whole parts of the cosmos are literally falling apart. The blackness of space begins to peel away and turn white.
The Executor II slowly turns from the location of the destroyed space station and toward the black hole void that was once the Earth below them. Unable to function on its own, it slowly descends into its oblivion. Its once majestic form breaks apart and is torn asunder.
The Boss stands over a injured Piett, who is coughing up blood and clearly not doing very well at all.]
Piett: So.....this is it, huh?
Boss: Yes. This is the end of everything. [looks down] Are you afraid?
Piett: Scared.....[coughs up blood].....shitless.
Boss: Hrm. Even to the end, your....character remains. [smirks]
Piett: Oh, just end it already.
Boss: Not quite. [looks out into space] Oblivion...and other developments...have claimed whatever passion I had toward wanton death. It's not just the end of you, it's the end of me as well. There is no Hell, there is no hate. This is the only place I have left, and now there is only the coming void to embrace us all. So why not do one last thing....to make amends.
Piett: [coughs] What.....what do you....
[The Boss kneels down and places his hand on Piett's head. Around them, everything fades to white.]
Piett: Heh. S'funny.
Boss: What?
Piett: I died here once, on this ship....long timeago, far far away...who die here again?
Boss: Heh. [closes his eyes] Not quite.
Piett: Wha
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Armageddon Spectacular, Book 4: WAR!
[Stardate: October something, 2009. Far above the planet Earth, on a space station hidden from radar and even most forms of sight, a battle ensues. While its appearance may look very silly indeed, its nature is of cataclysmic importance. For within its walls, the fate of the multiverse....and existance in its entirety....hangs precariously in the balance. In the midst of RRUAAOOH GOD ARGHHHHHH!!!!!]
Joe Q. Public: Take that, you disembodied narrative voice! The League of Evil Ne'er Do Wells thus lays waste to anothHUARHHHH!!!!!
[From behind, Jim Ferr hey look I got better apparently....ooh, sorry....from bhind, Jim Ferr tears through Joe Q. Public's chest with a large metallic spear. He lifts up the dying pessimistic representative of the reading audience and heaves him through the air toward the shattered remains of the panoramic window. The energy field prevents him from going through, but the spear sticks him to the shield, and after several seconds of intense exposure the body of Joe Q. Public is incincerated.]
Jim Ferr: Damn, that felt good! Easily the least pathetic thing I've done in--
Herve: Shut up and FIGHT!!!!
[Within the space station, chaos reigns. The Quantum gang, the League of Ne'er Do Wells and the allies of League of Evil Ninjas all do vicious battle. Robot zombie monkeys and apes of wrath cake themselves with the others' poo and savagely beat each other senseless. Alan Alda duels with Karl Rove. Booster Rocket flies around and blasts hapless normal yet evil folk with his energy beams. Flying nuns and cheap knock-off muppets lie dead all around. Nazis and Klansmen salute each other and commit atrocities. Jungle Girl and Nancy the Hot Witch wrestle while several men from both sides stand silently and watch.]
Kim Jong Bil: Quick, unleash our atomic weapons on them!
Alan Alda: We're nowhere near your arsenal! And you'd kill us ALL if you had them here!
Kim Jong Bil: Damn this primate brain and its inferiority!
[Alan Alda runs Karl Rove through with his saber.]
Alan Alda: Haha! I've severed your blackened heart, Karl Rove!
Karl Rove: I HAVE no heart!
Alan Alda: Oh no!! I forgot you were a Repub--
[Before he can disparage the Republican Party, Karl Rove grabs Alan Alda's head and twists it around, killing him instantly.]
Kim Jong Bil: Alan Alda!!!! [leaps onto the injured body of Karl Rove] Open wide, you bastard, because you're about to TRULY be full of shit!!!
[He extends his monkey arm down Karl Rove's mouth and gags him to death with a clump of fecal matter. But before he can extract his arm, a giant anime-looking robot aims and blasts Kim Jong Bil and Karl Rove into molecular oblivion.]
Lasertron: And so Lasertron, digital warrior of the 12th Realm has accomplished a major achievement for the League of Evil Ne'er Do......heh?
[Suddenly, several beings shimmer into sight before Lasertron. Invisible until they wish not to be, they are....ninjas!]
Lasertron: Ha! Ninjas cannot defeat me!
But I CAN!
[Suddenly the ninjas part and yield to their greater power: their master, who leaps forth and, upon landing gracefully on his feet, ignites his lightsaber.]
Kung Fu Kenobi: Your comrades have killed our holy emissary. For this, the League of Evil Ninjas decree.....I decree.....that you die.
Lasertron: But I am a robot! I have never truly lived in the first place!
Kung Fu Kenobi [grimly]: Let us test this theory.
[As Kung Fu Kenobi and Lasertron commence their fight, the body count around them from the countless other battles rises. Graham, the former minion of hell and current insane asylum inmate, grabs the gun of a fallen Cyanlon and smashes at the wall of evil doers pressing onto him, until he is lost from sight and beaten to a dead pulp. The Black Lantern, wailing away at the shrinking number of North Korean robot zombie monkeys with his most precious lantern, stops and comforts his bloodied device. When suddenly--]
Flesh...
Black Lantern: What the--?! Did....[holds the lantern before his face]....did you just speak?
[Suddenly a blackened tar spews out and engulfs the Black Lantern's face, smothering him to death. The lantern falls and retracts its gooey substance, and the Black Lantern with it, until it is just a device sitting on the ground of an incredibly chaotic battle.]
This may or may not have been an unofficial crossover to the BLACKEST NIGHT event published by DC Comics.
...probably not, though.
[In a corner of the room, the torture droids EV9D9 and 8D8 have set up their own "work area." They repeatedly waterboard The Human Parachute - to the point where he's most likely dead - until suddenly the behemoth Man-Mammoth knocks all of them down, breaking several of the droids' fragile limbs in the process. They end up leaning against the wall, their heads just propped up vertical, and watch as the Man-Mammoth, comforting his friend's dead body and enraged by his sadistic death, turns and prepare to stomp the life out of them. The droids eerily accept their fates with much relief.]
EV9D9: Ah, at last sweet death finally claims us.
8D8: Thank God. I was really getting sick of Walsh writing us anyway.
[As the Man-Mammoth smashs his foot down, Piett and Herve meet up elsewhere, standing back to back - or rather, back of the head to Piett's ass - as they survey the battleground.]
Piett: How many you kill?
Herve: Wait, we're keeping count?!
Piett: Yeah, I figured we could that. Like that dwarf and the ponce did in Lord of the Rings.
Herve: Oh, I musta killed......4.
Piett: Just 4?!
Herve: I wasn't really keeping count, dude.
Piett: But 4 is low enough to remember without even trying to count. I'm disappointed.
Herve: Yeah, well how many have you killed?!?!
Piett: Well, I killed Ben Franklin Jr.
[He points to the dead body of Ben Franklin's ficticious son, who is lying face down in a pool of blood and has an American flag shoved right in his ass.]
Herve: Where did you find an American flag in here??
Piett: The spirit of America is everywhere, man.
Herve: That makes no sense. And you never answered my question.
Piett: .......never mind.
Herve: So just that one and LESS than 4! HA!
Elie Wiesel: And that is where it will remain, quantum corpses!
Herve: Oh shit, it's Elie Wiesel the Nazi Hunter!
Piett: AND all the damn Nazis and Klansmen I imagined from Earth-Topanga!! You DICKS!!
Elie Wiesel: We brownshirts stick together.
Piett: Oh, do you now?!
[Piett closes his eyes, thinks and suddenly the Nazis and Klansmen are unimagined and dissipate into nothingness.]
Elie Wiesel: Gott in himmel!
Herve: And now, your death will be even simpler!
Piett and Elie Wiesel: It will?!
[Pause]
Herve: .....seriously? [to Piett] Man, I'm remembering a plot point and you're not?! How about that. [to Elie Wiesel] Well, here it goes.......DUDE!!!!
[Piett stands puzzled while Elie Wiesel laughs. But suddenly, he stops and screams, gripping his head as he moans and hollars in agony. He falls back and down to his knees, as his very face begins to distort and the size of his head expands. Suddenly...]
PAMF!!!
[Elie Wiesel's head explodes in a hideous frenzy of bone, flesh and brains.]
Verne Troyer: Oh thank GOD someone finally said that word!
Piett & Herve [caked in dead Nazi Hunter parts]: DUDE!!!!
Verne Troyer: Yeah, you said it already, once is more than enough. Man, SO glad I pulled that trick off before the Nazis burned Hitler's corpse, retrieved the brain and took us all to recuperate in Argentina.
Piett: Are we referencing the Hitler story AND They Saved Hitler's Brain right now?
Herve: We totally are.
[Suddenly a dead dinocroc commando is flung past, and the 3 rejoin the battle. Piett picks up Verne Troyer and throws him into the chaos, but sadly he is implanted right into the face of Mandrakk, the captain of the pirate TV's, and the 2 are electrocuted and die immediately.]
Piett: Ooh, sorry. All that setup for.....ouch.
[Edgar Allan Poe's evil half twin brother Paco Poe attempts to tackle Piett, but a swift reversal results in Poe's head being disconnected from his body, much to Piett's shock and eventual delight. Nearby, Jim Ferr pulls the gooey phlegm-covered heart of The Booger Man out of his chest, while his daughter Ashley (with her sisters Tracie and Brooke in a napsack on her back) kills Mel Simpson of Hollywood, Florida, and his evil wife Ruth. Elsewhere, Captain Rexxx and his bounty hunters are watching the fight from an unseen alcove.]
Bossk: Captain, what do we do?
Captain Rexxx: We're bounty hunters, my friend, not charity workers. While we have more honor and respect than most of our ilk, we're STILL loyal to our roots. And we fight.....for a price.
Cecil: How about for the highest bidder?
[Cosmos and Chronos' lackey, emerging from the shadows nearby, approaches and hands Rexxx a wad of cash.]
Captain Rexxx: Ay, this'll do nicely. Your orders, sir?
Cecil: Kill them. [pause] Kill the League of Ne'er Do Wells.
Captain Rexxx: You heard the boss, lads, kill the bunch of retards!
[The bounty hunters cry out and leap into action. Sadly, it turns out they weren't really understanding which side is which at all, and start killing people from both sides, as William James Howard the 3rd and the last of the Cyanlons fall to their savage hands. Soon, though, fragments of the 2 warring factions band together and slaughter the bounty hunter scum.]
Cecil: Well, that was a good waste of my life's saviAHK
[As Cecil turns to lurk away, he runs into a sharp dagger that pierces his stomach. His killer pulls him closer.]
Cosmos: I told you I'd keep my eye on you...
[Cosmos drags Cecil's body away and, in a flash of light, Cecil's body is no more. Meanwhile, a brutally sexy fight has ended, as Nancy the Hot Witch lies dead, her body bloodied and cloths torn asunder to reveal her appealing and supple form, while a panting and sweating Jungle Girl, her heaving busoms glistening in the shreds of light and her tattered swimsuit attire torn just enough to reveal her wet and naked...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
He stops typing.
Sean Walsh: Sorry. But I'm so lonely...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
...so Jungle Girl has killed that other chick, and her boyfriend Booster Rocket lands to comfort her, when suddenly the Man-Mammoth runs her through with one of his tusks and flings her out of sight. Booster Rocket is enraged at the loss of his love and goes to blast the genetic freak, when suddenly the Bromancer stops him in his tracks and entrances him with his hypnotic glare. Suddenly, the 2 men are groping and kissing each other. Man-Mammoth shakes his head and walks away from the 2 newfound lovers and their....ok, no offense to gay folks, but EWWWWWW. But soon all goes black for the duo, as the oversized Lasertron falls and crushes the duo dead. Kung Fu Kenobi removes his lightsaber from the temple of Lasertron's robot head and leaps into the shadows, where his ninjas join him. The mission of Kung Fu Kenobi....is fulfilled.
[As the chaos dwindles down and the pile of dead reaches its zenith, Piett delivers a fatal blow to the last of the Apes of Wrath, then moves to the center of the room with Herve in tow.]
Piett: Gather around, folks, I think we're nearing the end of this!
[They are joined by what appears to be their only remaining comrades in arms - the Webmaster, Jim Ferr, Ashley and her sisters. As Ashley tries to speak to Piett, the creature Premartial Rex makes a lunge at them, and Ashley smashes it in the face with a brick (where she got a brick on a giant satellite suspended in space I'll never know), killing it dead in its tracks.]
Ashley: Say NO to premarital sex!
Piett [to self]: Aw...
Jim Ferr: Well done, Ashley!
Ashley: Shit, dad, this is AWESOME! I totally killed people!
Jim Ferr: Language, Ashley. Not in front of your sisters.
Herve: Wait a tic, what about Jesus?? Where's Jesus?!?!
[Herve and the others look around, and as they do an ominously shaped shadow covers them. They turn to see what it is, and.....]
Piett and all: OHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
[It is Jesus, and he is...well, you can probably guess his condition. And can probably also guess the exact visual, too.]
Piett: Not again!! NOT AGAIN!!!!!
Herve: Who did that! [points] Which one of you SONS OF BITCHES DID THAT!!!!
[Suddenly a man leaps forward.]
Lou Gehrig's Disease: And now, like your Savior, you will die a horrible and slow death too!
Herve: YOU did this?!? YOU!!!!!
Lou Gehrig's Disease: No! Oh Jesus...uh, NO! I didn't!! I'm just using the visual to help convey my desire to kill you! [pause] And I inmmediately regretting doing so as a result!
[The Webmaster conjures up a soda can and tosses it to Herve. Herve shakes it up and opens it, spraying Lou Gehrig's Disease in the face. He gags and coughs, then comes to......anf feels refreshingly better...]
Lou Gehrig: Oh....oh my lord....you cured me! By the crucified body of Jesus....[feels awkward]....LITERALLY by his body, you've cured Lou Gehrig's Disease!
[Piett promptly steps forward and punches Lou Gehrig in the throat. He collapses and struggles to breath, but fails...and dies.]
Herve: You're aware of the wonders of ginger ale too?!
Webmaster: Who the fuck isn't?!
Piett: But seriously, loyal reading audience, while ginger ale cures our ails....it doesn't nothing in real life. [shrugs] Sorry.
Herve: Guys, we have to find Cosmos and Chronos! It's time to finish this.
Webmaster: I did a scan of this whole place moments ago, and those living viruses are not on the station!
Piett: Then where could they--
HG Wells: Enough! Our forces our depleted and dead all around us! Now it's time to finish this sordid affair!
Piett: Are they really?! [he and Herve look around] Shit! They are ALL dead!
HG Wells: Super Collider, Man-Mammoth, Warlock Hemlock, Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist....to my side!
Dr. Tolliver Smith: Damn, son, look at us!
Warlock Hemlock: I know! We did, like, nothing at all and yet we're still alive!
[Likewise, Piett summons his surviving faction to his side: Herve, the Webmaster, Jim Ferr, Ashley and her 2 baby sisters.]
Dr. Tolliver Smith: One side, Master Wells, we'll handle these rapscallions!
Warlock Hemlock: Indeed! I'll use my powers of the macabre to destroy them utterly!
Dr. Tolliver Smith: And I'll look on.....MENACINGLY!
[Behind them...in fact, behind them all, in the coldness of space...the Executor II suddenly turns and faces the space station. All except Hemlock and the Abortionist take notice, as small bright multicolored lights suddenly appear and grow....much larger in size.]
Herve: Oh shit.
Piett: Hey Webmaster? [eyes widen] I think I know where Cosmos and Chronos went.
[HG Wells turns and panics silently, urging the Super Collider to activate his powers. He does, and both Wells and Man-Mammoth leaps into his body, and the Collider swallows himself up in turn. Piett smacks his belt buckle transporter and, holding hands, his group leaps into the portal created and disappear from sight.]
Warlock Hemlock: And they flee! HAHA! Our macabre menace has won the day!! [high fives Tolliver Smith] I tell ya, Doc, things are looking up for us. Soon the universe will dread the hideous threat of Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist and Warlock Hemlock!
[Suddenly those distant bright lights....or turbolaser beams.....strike the space station, and the room is ignited in a vast explosion. Both men burst into flames and stumble into their agonizing deaths.]
Warlock Hemlock: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist: Oh God above, no living thing has ever felt so much PAINNNNNNNNN!!!!
[Within moments, the space station is overcome with more laser fire and, in a dazzling display, goes supernova, wiping out all that existed of the great war of the League of Ever Ninjas & Evil Ne'er Do Wells.]
***
[Moments later, Piett and his group emerge on the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer Executor II. They are immediately confronted by a shocked and surprised Cosmos and Chronos, standing before a giant machine. Before Piett or Herve can ask why this has happened with relative ease, they realize the grim reality: beside them sits the ravaged and burnt out console containing the electronic form of the late George Gaynes. He is dead again, it seems, the Executor II now under the control of Cosmos and Chronos: masters of space and time.]
Herve: Repsectively. [disgusted] Oh, you know what, I'm just not saying that anymore.
Cosmos and Chronos: YOU!!!!
Piett and Herve: US!!!!!
Chronos: Wells, defend us!
[Pause]
Chronos: Wells?!? WELLS!!!!
HG Wells: We...we landed in the crew pit, master! Man-Mammoth landed right on top of me!
Man-Mammoth: Stop fidgeting like that, it tickles!
Chronos: Damnation, must I do everything mys--
[But the Webmaster conjures a series of HTML code and flings them at the masters of space and time. The symbols magically explode and send the cosmic beings flying. Piett and Herve focus on the large device which seem to be the source of Cosmos and Chronos' recent attention.]
Piett: What the hell is that?!
Webmaster: Scans indicate....it's a cryogenic chamber....good grief....there's someone in there!!
Piett: But who--?
Cosmos: ENOUGH! Now you DIE!!!
Piett: Cosmos?!?
Herve: Piett, LOOK OUT!!!
[As Cosmos leaps forward, Herve himself leaps into his path. In a stunning display of acrobatics, though, Cosmos manages to stop himself and land on his feet, grab Herve mid-air, and bites down on his neck.]
Herve: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
Piett: Herve, NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
[As Cosmos, his face distorted by some dark evil, bites Herve's neck (oh, the irony), streams of energy begin to spew from Herve's wound and into Cosmo's physical form. He is literally sucking the life energies out of Piett's miniscule, and loyal, friend. A distraught Piett tries to help, but Jim Ferr and Webmaster hold him back for his own safety. Around both men, swirling bands of energy begin to form. Cosmos, who at first was thirsting and desirious of consuming the energies, is slowly becoming frightened, and begins to panic.....yet still cannot let go. Herve, the life draining from his eyes, looks back to Piett.....and smiles, one last time.]
BADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!
[A forceful explosion rocks the entire bridge. When the smoke clears, Herve is gone, completely and utterly, and Cosmos is at the feet of his friend Chronos, his face and body burnt to a crisp.]
Piett: Oh....Oh GOD NO!
Cosmos: Toomuch!!! NAGHHH, how....how could he contain so much powerrr!!
Chronos: Rest, my friend. Your sloth and avarice have overwhelmed you.
Cosmos: Morrree, Chronos....Imusthavvv.....moore.....MOORRE!!!
[Chronos rests his hand on his friend's chest, and with his other hand grabs a giant wire connector.]
Chronos: No, my friend. You've had....more than your share. Now I take mine.
[Without comment, Chronos thrusts the connector into Cosmos' heart. The cryogenic machine activates and blasts at full power, as Cosmos screams an unholy shriek of hellish death. The figure inside the chamber stirs, while Chronos looks down on his friend and his smoldering body. In a flash, Cosmos' body lies dead and lifeless, burned to a crisp right down the bone. Chronos tosses the connector away and lets the skeltal remains fall to the floor.]
Chronos: Oh Cosmos, my oldest friend........you simply never had it in you to be truly evil. Only this shoddily constructed and uneven impersonation of evil.
[Chronos steps on Cosmos' charred skull and shatters it. As Piett and the others recover on the other side of the bridge, the cryogenic chamber slowly opens and an icy cloud bellows out. Chronos' eyes turn from lifeless disdain to hope-filled delight, as he walks toward the doors and extends his hand. Another hand.....a feminine hand....extends from within the frozen device, and exits much to everyone's shock.]
Chronos: And now, those who are about to die.....welcome the new master...or rather, MISTRESS, of space.
Piett: What the...
Webmaster: Egads....
Jim Ferr: .........LUCY?!?
*to be continued!*
Joe Q. Public: Take that, you disembodied narrative voice! The League of Evil Ne'er Do Wells thus lays waste to anothHUARHHHH!!!!!
[From behind, Jim Ferr hey look I got better apparently....ooh, sorry....from bhind, Jim Ferr tears through Joe Q. Public's chest with a large metallic spear. He lifts up the dying pessimistic representative of the reading audience and heaves him through the air toward the shattered remains of the panoramic window. The energy field prevents him from going through, but the spear sticks him to the shield, and after several seconds of intense exposure the body of Joe Q. Public is incincerated.]
Jim Ferr: Damn, that felt good! Easily the least pathetic thing I've done in--
Herve: Shut up and FIGHT!!!!
[Within the space station, chaos reigns. The Quantum gang, the League of Ne'er Do Wells and the allies of League of Evil Ninjas all do vicious battle. Robot zombie monkeys and apes of wrath cake themselves with the others' poo and savagely beat each other senseless. Alan Alda duels with Karl Rove. Booster Rocket flies around and blasts hapless normal yet evil folk with his energy beams. Flying nuns and cheap knock-off muppets lie dead all around. Nazis and Klansmen salute each other and commit atrocities. Jungle Girl and Nancy the Hot Witch wrestle while several men from both sides stand silently and watch.]
Kim Jong Bil: Quick, unleash our atomic weapons on them!
Alan Alda: We're nowhere near your arsenal! And you'd kill us ALL if you had them here!
Kim Jong Bil: Damn this primate brain and its inferiority!
[Alan Alda runs Karl Rove through with his saber.]
Alan Alda: Haha! I've severed your blackened heart, Karl Rove!
Karl Rove: I HAVE no heart!
Alan Alda: Oh no!! I forgot you were a Repub--
[Before he can disparage the Republican Party, Karl Rove grabs Alan Alda's head and twists it around, killing him instantly.]
Kim Jong Bil: Alan Alda!!!! [leaps onto the injured body of Karl Rove] Open wide, you bastard, because you're about to TRULY be full of shit!!!
[He extends his monkey arm down Karl Rove's mouth and gags him to death with a clump of fecal matter. But before he can extract his arm, a giant anime-looking robot aims and blasts Kim Jong Bil and Karl Rove into molecular oblivion.]
Lasertron: And so Lasertron, digital warrior of the 12th Realm has accomplished a major achievement for the League of Evil Ne'er Do......heh?
[Suddenly, several beings shimmer into sight before Lasertron. Invisible until they wish not to be, they are....ninjas!]
Lasertron: Ha! Ninjas cannot defeat me!
But I CAN!
[Suddenly the ninjas part and yield to their greater power: their master, who leaps forth and, upon landing gracefully on his feet, ignites his lightsaber.]
Kung Fu Kenobi: Your comrades have killed our holy emissary. For this, the League of Evil Ninjas decree.....I decree.....that you die.
Lasertron: But I am a robot! I have never truly lived in the first place!
Kung Fu Kenobi [grimly]: Let us test this theory.
[As Kung Fu Kenobi and Lasertron commence their fight, the body count around them from the countless other battles rises. Graham, the former minion of hell and current insane asylum inmate, grabs the gun of a fallen Cyanlon and smashes at the wall of evil doers pressing onto him, until he is lost from sight and beaten to a dead pulp. The Black Lantern, wailing away at the shrinking number of North Korean robot zombie monkeys with his most precious lantern, stops and comforts his bloodied device. When suddenly--]
Flesh...
Black Lantern: What the--?! Did....[holds the lantern before his face]....did you just speak?
[Suddenly a blackened tar spews out and engulfs the Black Lantern's face, smothering him to death. The lantern falls and retracts its gooey substance, and the Black Lantern with it, until it is just a device sitting on the ground of an incredibly chaotic battle.]
...probably not, though.
[In a corner of the room, the torture droids EV9D9 and 8D8 have set up their own "work area." They repeatedly waterboard The Human Parachute - to the point where he's most likely dead - until suddenly the behemoth Man-Mammoth knocks all of them down, breaking several of the droids' fragile limbs in the process. They end up leaning against the wall, their heads just propped up vertical, and watch as the Man-Mammoth, comforting his friend's dead body and enraged by his sadistic death, turns and prepare to stomp the life out of them. The droids eerily accept their fates with much relief.]
EV9D9: Ah, at last sweet death finally claims us.
8D8: Thank God. I was really getting sick of Walsh writing us anyway.
[As the Man-Mammoth smashs his foot down, Piett and Herve meet up elsewhere, standing back to back - or rather, back of the head to Piett's ass - as they survey the battleground.]
Piett: How many you kill?
Herve: Wait, we're keeping count?!
Piett: Yeah, I figured we could that. Like that dwarf and the ponce did in Lord of the Rings.
Herve: Oh, I musta killed......4.
Piett: Just 4?!
Herve: I wasn't really keeping count, dude.
Piett: But 4 is low enough to remember without even trying to count. I'm disappointed.
Herve: Yeah, well how many have you killed?!?!
Piett: Well, I killed Ben Franklin Jr.
[He points to the dead body of Ben Franklin's ficticious son, who is lying face down in a pool of blood and has an American flag shoved right in his ass.]
Herve: Where did you find an American flag in here??
Piett: The spirit of America is everywhere, man.
Herve: That makes no sense. And you never answered my question.
Piett: .......never mind.
Herve: So just that one and LESS than 4! HA!
Elie Wiesel: And that is where it will remain, quantum corpses!
Herve: Oh shit, it's Elie Wiesel the Nazi Hunter!
Piett: AND all the damn Nazis and Klansmen I imagined from Earth-Topanga!! You DICKS!!
Elie Wiesel: We brownshirts stick together.
Piett: Oh, do you now?!
[Piett closes his eyes, thinks and suddenly the Nazis and Klansmen are unimagined and dissipate into nothingness.]
Elie Wiesel: Gott in himmel!
Herve: And now, your death will be even simpler!
Piett and Elie Wiesel: It will?!
[Pause]
Herve: .....seriously? [to Piett] Man, I'm remembering a plot point and you're not?! How about that. [to Elie Wiesel] Well, here it goes.......DUDE!!!!
[Piett stands puzzled while Elie Wiesel laughs. But suddenly, he stops and screams, gripping his head as he moans and hollars in agony. He falls back and down to his knees, as his very face begins to distort and the size of his head expands. Suddenly...]
PAMF!!!
[Elie Wiesel's head explodes in a hideous frenzy of bone, flesh and brains.]
Verne Troyer: Oh thank GOD someone finally said that word!
Piett & Herve [caked in dead Nazi Hunter parts]: DUDE!!!!
Verne Troyer: Yeah, you said it already, once is more than enough. Man, SO glad I pulled that trick off before the Nazis burned Hitler's corpse, retrieved the brain and took us all to recuperate in Argentina.
Piett: Are we referencing the Hitler story AND They Saved Hitler's Brain right now?
Herve: We totally are.
[Suddenly a dead dinocroc commando is flung past, and the 3 rejoin the battle. Piett picks up Verne Troyer and throws him into the chaos, but sadly he is implanted right into the face of Mandrakk, the captain of the pirate TV's, and the 2 are electrocuted and die immediately.]
Piett: Ooh, sorry. All that setup for.....ouch.
[Edgar Allan Poe's evil half twin brother Paco Poe attempts to tackle Piett, but a swift reversal results in Poe's head being disconnected from his body, much to Piett's shock and eventual delight. Nearby, Jim Ferr pulls the gooey phlegm-covered heart of The Booger Man out of his chest, while his daughter Ashley (with her sisters Tracie and Brooke in a napsack on her back) kills Mel Simpson of Hollywood, Florida, and his evil wife Ruth. Elsewhere, Captain Rexxx and his bounty hunters are watching the fight from an unseen alcove.]
Bossk: Captain, what do we do?
Captain Rexxx: We're bounty hunters, my friend, not charity workers. While we have more honor and respect than most of our ilk, we're STILL loyal to our roots. And we fight.....for a price.
Cecil: How about for the highest bidder?
[Cosmos and Chronos' lackey, emerging from the shadows nearby, approaches and hands Rexxx a wad of cash.]
Captain Rexxx: Ay, this'll do nicely. Your orders, sir?
Cecil: Kill them. [pause] Kill the League of Ne'er Do Wells.
Captain Rexxx: You heard the boss, lads, kill the bunch of retards!
[The bounty hunters cry out and leap into action. Sadly, it turns out they weren't really understanding which side is which at all, and start killing people from both sides, as William James Howard the 3rd and the last of the Cyanlons fall to their savage hands. Soon, though, fragments of the 2 warring factions band together and slaughter the bounty hunter scum.]
Cecil: Well, that was a good waste of my life's saviAHK
[As Cecil turns to lurk away, he runs into a sharp dagger that pierces his stomach. His killer pulls him closer.]
Cosmos: I told you I'd keep my eye on you...
[Cosmos drags Cecil's body away and, in a flash of light, Cecil's body is no more. Meanwhile, a brutally sexy fight has ended, as Nancy the Hot Witch lies dead, her body bloodied and cloths torn asunder to reveal her appealing and supple form, while a panting and sweating Jungle Girl, her heaving busoms glistening in the shreds of light and her tattered swimsuit attire torn just enough to reveal her wet and naked...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
He stops typing.
Sean Walsh: Sorry. But I'm so lonely...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
...so Jungle Girl has killed that other chick, and her boyfriend Booster Rocket lands to comfort her, when suddenly the Man-Mammoth runs her through with one of his tusks and flings her out of sight. Booster Rocket is enraged at the loss of his love and goes to blast the genetic freak, when suddenly the Bromancer stops him in his tracks and entrances him with his hypnotic glare. Suddenly, the 2 men are groping and kissing each other. Man-Mammoth shakes his head and walks away from the 2 newfound lovers and their....ok, no offense to gay folks, but EWWWWWW. But soon all goes black for the duo, as the oversized Lasertron falls and crushes the duo dead. Kung Fu Kenobi removes his lightsaber from the temple of Lasertron's robot head and leaps into the shadows, where his ninjas join him. The mission of Kung Fu Kenobi....is fulfilled.
[As the chaos dwindles down and the pile of dead reaches its zenith, Piett delivers a fatal blow to the last of the Apes of Wrath, then moves to the center of the room with Herve in tow.]
Piett: Gather around, folks, I think we're nearing the end of this!
[They are joined by what appears to be their only remaining comrades in arms - the Webmaster, Jim Ferr, Ashley and her sisters. As Ashley tries to speak to Piett, the creature Premartial Rex makes a lunge at them, and Ashley smashes it in the face with a brick (where she got a brick on a giant satellite suspended in space I'll never know), killing it dead in its tracks.]
Ashley: Say NO to premarital sex!
Piett [to self]: Aw...
Jim Ferr: Well done, Ashley!
Ashley: Shit, dad, this is AWESOME! I totally killed people!
Jim Ferr: Language, Ashley. Not in front of your sisters.
Herve: Wait a tic, what about Jesus?? Where's Jesus?!?!
[Herve and the others look around, and as they do an ominously shaped shadow covers them. They turn to see what it is, and.....]
Piett and all: OHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
[It is Jesus, and he is...well, you can probably guess his condition. And can probably also guess the exact visual, too.]
Piett: Not again!! NOT AGAIN!!!!!
Herve: Who did that! [points] Which one of you SONS OF BITCHES DID THAT!!!!
[Suddenly a man leaps forward.]
Lou Gehrig's Disease: And now, like your Savior, you will die a horrible and slow death too!
Herve: YOU did this?!? YOU!!!!!
Lou Gehrig's Disease: No! Oh Jesus...uh, NO! I didn't!! I'm just using the visual to help convey my desire to kill you! [pause] And I inmmediately regretting doing so as a result!
[The Webmaster conjures up a soda can and tosses it to Herve. Herve shakes it up and opens it, spraying Lou Gehrig's Disease in the face. He gags and coughs, then comes to......anf feels refreshingly better...]
Lou Gehrig: Oh....oh my lord....you cured me! By the crucified body of Jesus....[feels awkward]....LITERALLY by his body, you've cured Lou Gehrig's Disease!
[Piett promptly steps forward and punches Lou Gehrig in the throat. He collapses and struggles to breath, but fails...and dies.]
Herve: You're aware of the wonders of ginger ale too?!
Webmaster: Who the fuck isn't?!
Piett: But seriously, loyal reading audience, while ginger ale cures our ails....it doesn't nothing in real life. [shrugs] Sorry.
Herve: Guys, we have to find Cosmos and Chronos! It's time to finish this.
Webmaster: I did a scan of this whole place moments ago, and those living viruses are not on the station!
Piett: Then where could they--
HG Wells: Enough! Our forces our depleted and dead all around us! Now it's time to finish this sordid affair!
Piett: Are they really?! [he and Herve look around] Shit! They are ALL dead!
HG Wells: Super Collider, Man-Mammoth, Warlock Hemlock, Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist....to my side!
Dr. Tolliver Smith: Damn, son, look at us!
Warlock Hemlock: I know! We did, like, nothing at all and yet we're still alive!
[Likewise, Piett summons his surviving faction to his side: Herve, the Webmaster, Jim Ferr, Ashley and her 2 baby sisters.]
Dr. Tolliver Smith: One side, Master Wells, we'll handle these rapscallions!
Warlock Hemlock: Indeed! I'll use my powers of the macabre to destroy them utterly!
Dr. Tolliver Smith: And I'll look on.....MENACINGLY!
[Behind them...in fact, behind them all, in the coldness of space...the Executor II suddenly turns and faces the space station. All except Hemlock and the Abortionist take notice, as small bright multicolored lights suddenly appear and grow....much larger in size.]
Herve: Oh shit.
Piett: Hey Webmaster? [eyes widen] I think I know where Cosmos and Chronos went.
[HG Wells turns and panics silently, urging the Super Collider to activate his powers. He does, and both Wells and Man-Mammoth leaps into his body, and the Collider swallows himself up in turn. Piett smacks his belt buckle transporter and, holding hands, his group leaps into the portal created and disappear from sight.]
Warlock Hemlock: And they flee! HAHA! Our macabre menace has won the day!! [high fives Tolliver Smith] I tell ya, Doc, things are looking up for us. Soon the universe will dread the hideous threat of Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist and Warlock Hemlock!
[Suddenly those distant bright lights....or turbolaser beams.....strike the space station, and the room is ignited in a vast explosion. Both men burst into flames and stumble into their agonizing deaths.]
Warlock Hemlock: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist: Oh God above, no living thing has ever felt so much PAINNNNNNNNN!!!!
[Within moments, the space station is overcome with more laser fire and, in a dazzling display, goes supernova, wiping out all that existed of the great war of the League of Ever Ninjas & Evil Ne'er Do Wells.]
***
[Moments later, Piett and his group emerge on the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer Executor II. They are immediately confronted by a shocked and surprised Cosmos and Chronos, standing before a giant machine. Before Piett or Herve can ask why this has happened with relative ease, they realize the grim reality: beside them sits the ravaged and burnt out console containing the electronic form of the late George Gaynes. He is dead again, it seems, the Executor II now under the control of Cosmos and Chronos: masters of space and time.]
Herve: Repsectively. [disgusted] Oh, you know what, I'm just not saying that anymore.
Cosmos and Chronos: YOU!!!!
Piett and Herve: US!!!!!
Chronos: Wells, defend us!
[Pause]
Chronos: Wells?!? WELLS!!!!
HG Wells: We...we landed in the crew pit, master! Man-Mammoth landed right on top of me!
Man-Mammoth: Stop fidgeting like that, it tickles!
Chronos: Damnation, must I do everything mys--
[But the Webmaster conjures a series of HTML code and flings them at the masters of space and time. The symbols magically explode and send the cosmic beings flying. Piett and Herve focus on the large device which seem to be the source of Cosmos and Chronos' recent attention.]
Piett: What the hell is that?!
Webmaster: Scans indicate....it's a cryogenic chamber....good grief....there's someone in there!!
Piett: But who--?
Cosmos: ENOUGH! Now you DIE!!!
Piett: Cosmos?!?
Herve: Piett, LOOK OUT!!!
[As Cosmos leaps forward, Herve himself leaps into his path. In a stunning display of acrobatics, though, Cosmos manages to stop himself and land on his feet, grab Herve mid-air, and bites down on his neck.]
Herve: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
Piett: Herve, NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
[As Cosmos, his face distorted by some dark evil, bites Herve's neck (oh, the irony), streams of energy begin to spew from Herve's wound and into Cosmo's physical form. He is literally sucking the life energies out of Piett's miniscule, and loyal, friend. A distraught Piett tries to help, but Jim Ferr and Webmaster hold him back for his own safety. Around both men, swirling bands of energy begin to form. Cosmos, who at first was thirsting and desirious of consuming the energies, is slowly becoming frightened, and begins to panic.....yet still cannot let go. Herve, the life draining from his eyes, looks back to Piett.....and smiles, one last time.]
BADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!
[A forceful explosion rocks the entire bridge. When the smoke clears, Herve is gone, completely and utterly, and Cosmos is at the feet of his friend Chronos, his face and body burnt to a crisp.]
Piett: Oh....Oh GOD NO!
Cosmos: Toomuch!!! NAGHHH, how....how could he contain so much powerrr!!
Chronos: Rest, my friend. Your sloth and avarice have overwhelmed you.
Cosmos: Morrree, Chronos....Imusthavvv.....moore.....MOORRE!!!
[Chronos rests his hand on his friend's chest, and with his other hand grabs a giant wire connector.]
Chronos: No, my friend. You've had....more than your share. Now I take mine.
[Without comment, Chronos thrusts the connector into Cosmos' heart. The cryogenic machine activates and blasts at full power, as Cosmos screams an unholy shriek of hellish death. The figure inside the chamber stirs, while Chronos looks down on his friend and his smoldering body. In a flash, Cosmos' body lies dead and lifeless, burned to a crisp right down the bone. Chronos tosses the connector away and lets the skeltal remains fall to the floor.]
Chronos: Oh Cosmos, my oldest friend........you simply never had it in you to be truly evil. Only this shoddily constructed and uneven impersonation of evil.
[Chronos steps on Cosmos' charred skull and shatters it. As Piett and the others recover on the other side of the bridge, the cryogenic chamber slowly opens and an icy cloud bellows out. Chronos' eyes turn from lifeless disdain to hope-filled delight, as he walks toward the doors and extends his hand. Another hand.....a feminine hand....extends from within the frozen device, and exits much to everyone's shock.]
Chronos: And now, those who are about to die.....welcome the new master...or rather, MISTRESS, of space.
Piett: What the...
Webmaster: Egads....
Jim Ferr: .........LUCY?!?
*to be continued!*
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Armageddon Spectacular: Intermission
I have travelled the lanes of the information superhighway for some time. Months, years....the concept of time has left me, so I cannot say how long this journey has taken...
But along the way, it ceased to be a mere pathway of digital information and became.....something more.
Soon I was traversing whole universes, both real and unreal.
All for a girl.
She died, some time ago. I was heart broken, my soul crushed and my spirit seems to abandon me.
But in my travels, I found a place where I.....believed I had found a way to revive her. Its people were strange and secluded. But their seclusion had made them....more powerful than the normal mortal man.
At first I thought I'd found some nirvana outside the influence of space and time, where no one or thing aged. But soon I discovered the true source of their immortal nature...
A book of wishes.
What luck! An actual tool, capable of fulfilling my most desired of dreams. To hold her in my arms again...
But it was not to be. It was a falsehood....both the book, and my love. Though my affection was strong, it was not enough to evoke the powers of the book. I was robbed of her yet again.
The high priests of the people, though sympathetic to me, said the powers within the book were latent, and could only be used at a moment of complete desperation. Like them, who used the powers amidst the horrors of an ancient war to save themselves and thus live forever, only a moment of complete desperation would allow the powers be unleashed and for my one true wish to come true.
They said because of my own abilities, I had encapsulated this power, even without possession of the book, but I knew not how or even when to truly use it.
So I abandoned them, their nirvana no longer desireous to me, and seek out that fleeting moment of desperation in order to have my one true wish come true.
But I fear that moment will be my death. What a horrid joke: to be robbed of my own life and revive her own, only to lose her yet again. Yet again...
I almost expect it to be true...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[In an unknown place, devoid of much life and even appearing just askew from the normal color spectrum one would imagine is eternal to most living humanoids, several figures sit at a small quaint home. 2 of them sit in chairs on the front patio, sipping tea, while a third stomps around the front yard in a frustrated nature. One of the 2 seated itches himself, until he stops and tries to calm himself.]
HG Wells: As God as my witness, this latex suit is incredibly uncomfortable. And why does it have to be see-through??
Bromancer: They told you not to scratch at it. You'll just infect yourself and make things worse.
Man-Mammoth: Better to be inside out than as a bloody mutated mammoth!
Bromancer: And you calm yourself as well, my friend. Your frustrated nature is not doing your spirits any good.
Man-Mammoth: That loosey-goosey talk may work on other people, you ponce, but not on me!
HG Wells [to himself]: A giant mammoth man calling someone a ponce. Wonders *will* never cease... [sips his tea]
Bromancer: If it wasn't for you and your human parachute pal talking it up earlier, I'd naturally assume you were just foul-spirited around all living things.
Man-Mammoth: He's a kindred spirit. We're both of mutantkind and have a lot in common. [scratches the back of his head] It's refreshing, all things considered.
Bromancer: Now who sounds all loosey goosey?
Man-Mammoth: You try being forcibly mutated against your will and keep a pleasant attitude.
Bromancer: I was, in a manner of speaking. [sips his tea] I wasn't always like this.
Man-Mammoth: You mean gay?
Bromancer: Yes. I used to be quite straight.
HG Wells [not buying it]: Really.
Bromancer: It was when my rather wonderful life came to a screeching halt, around the age of 16, when I was abducted by a group of devilish witches. They seduced me into their coven and then performed dark arcane magicks on me. The only reason I didn't fight back was because I thought it would lead to hot sex.
Man-Mammoth: Sex. Great, there's something else I miss. [grumbles and stomps around some more]
HG Wells: So no hot wiccan sex with the presumably busty nubile ladies, then?
Bromancer: No.....it was sex with men! They gathered a bunch of their captives together and had us screw to the death to determine which of our supple manly forms would be the vessel of their powers. When I finally came out on top [HG Wells doubles over], they then abandoned their mortal forms and transcended to wherever wiccans go when they die, and in a fabulous display all their magicks passed on to me. Now I walk the world forcing men with my dark magicks to unnaturally fall in love and have sex with each other. [sips his tea] It's a lot more complex and meaningful than that, but I find that's the funniest way to describe myself. You should see the looks I get.
HG Wells: Because you look like a ponce.
Man-Mammoth [some distance away, still stomping]: Thank you!
Bromancer: I look stunning, damn you. And trust me, you're not one to talk at all, Mr. Inside Out Man.
HG Wells: One of these days I'll get an explanation for this from the masters. But until then, I serve their dark purpose.
Bromancer: To sit on this stoop and sip tea, because that's all you've done while we others have gone out to recruit new members of the masters' enclave of villainy.
[A familiar breeze washes over the threesome and they stop and turn, and suddenly the portal of the Super Collider erupts before them. Several characters emerge as one in particular presses forward and, as his fist bumps the Man-Mammoth, addresses HG Wells directly.]
Human Parachute: What ho, friendly foes! I have acquired more comrades to aid us in the masters' master plan.
[Several characters - some bizarre in appearance, others quite normal indeed - walk past, as Wells and the Man-Mammoth direct them into .]
Nancy the Hot Witch: Well hello there.
Bromancer: Keep walking, witch, I have issues with your kind.
Nancy the Hot Witch: Oh, you mean busty nubile ladies?
[HG Wells shoots Man-Mammoth a shocked look at their shared dialogue. But because Wells' inside out face looks really really sick when he makes that look, Man-Mammoth gags and has to excuse himself so as not to vomit everywhere. The Bromancer sighs as the witch smirks and walks away to join the others.]
Human Parachute: I also found this one here amidst my travels.
[2 of his associates - the Warlock Hemlock and Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist - carry a nearly unconscious man forward, and they place him on the ground. HG Wells walks to him and is overwhelmed by his identity, then checks on his vitals.]
Warlock Hemlock: We checked that already.
Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist: Yes.........he has wrists and a neck.
[Almost everyone facepalms in response to the doctor's very lame line, and Warlock Hemlock leads him away as he tries to pass off his stupidity as a mere joke.]
Bromancer: I take it you know him.
HG Wells: Yes. [the man comes to and Wells tries to revive him further] Webmaster? Is that you??
Webmaster: N.....my.....what? Where am.....
[Suddenly he projectile vomits right into HG Wells' face.]
Bromancer: Oh geez, he's horribly ill. Quick, let's...
HG Wells [eyes closed, somewhat angered]: Wait for it.
Webmaster: Wells?!? What the fuck happened to your face?!?!?!
Bromancer: Oh. It's because of the inside out thing. Gotcha.
Man-Mammoth: You're a bright one, you are.
Bromancer: Skewer me, sunshine.
Man-Mammoth: You know I have these tusks, right?
Bromancer: You heard me.
[Man-Mammoth, skeeved out, walks away and resumes cvonversing with the Human Parachute, as Wells wipes his face and the Webaster comes to his feet.]
Webmaster: Wow, I am SO sorry about that, Wells.
HG Wells: Quite alright, you certainly aren't the first and won't be the last. Although I think a chunk may've gotten into my.....never mind. So, how is it our paths cross again?
Webmaster: An aimless journey, my friend. It started with the quest for a miracle....and now has led me here.
HG Wells: I see. Well, you're amongst compatriots now. And what luck, in the middle of a recruitment drive.
Webmaster: Oh no, not...
HG Wells: No, no...it's not them. But it's someone...or rather, someones...similar...
[HG Wells places his arm on the Webmaster's shoulder and, with the Bromancer, leads the newest arrival into the small quaint home. There, in the living room area, the others are entranced by 2 beings on a vast video monitor.]
HG Wells: Our other friends here are being reconditioned and programmed, but you already know the deal. You know of the plight of....Cosmos and Chronos! Masters of Space and Time!
Bromancer: Respectively.
HG Wells: Stop. DOING. THAT.
Webmaster: Their plight?
HG Wells: Indeed. Allow the veils of untruth be moved aside and the true nature of their purpose be revealed to youre mind...
[Pause]
Webmaster: Wait, you said I didn't need to be conditioned or programmed.
HG Wells: I lied. [pause] Because I'm evil now. And soon.....so will you....
Oh, what luck. My quest for that fleeting moment...has led me here.
I think it's slowly coming upon me now...
Soon, my love........soon......
Bromancer: Really? I make a coming on reference and almost get lambasted for it, but he gets nothing?!
Man-Mammoth: If I could fit through this door, I would just smash you!
HG Wells: God, I really hope I don't live through whatever this ends up being. Please?
But along the way, it ceased to be a mere pathway of digital information and became.....something more.
Soon I was traversing whole universes, both real and unreal.
All for a girl.
She died, some time ago. I was heart broken, my soul crushed and my spirit seems to abandon me.
But in my travels, I found a place where I.....believed I had found a way to revive her. Its people were strange and secluded. But their seclusion had made them....more powerful than the normal mortal man.
At first I thought I'd found some nirvana outside the influence of space and time, where no one or thing aged. But soon I discovered the true source of their immortal nature...
A book of wishes.
What luck! An actual tool, capable of fulfilling my most desired of dreams. To hold her in my arms again...
But it was not to be. It was a falsehood....both the book, and my love. Though my affection was strong, it was not enough to evoke the powers of the book. I was robbed of her yet again.
The high priests of the people, though sympathetic to me, said the powers within the book were latent, and could only be used at a moment of complete desperation. Like them, who used the powers amidst the horrors of an ancient war to save themselves and thus live forever, only a moment of complete desperation would allow the powers be unleashed and for my one true wish to come true.
They said because of my own abilities, I had encapsulated this power, even without possession of the book, but I knew not how or even when to truly use it.
So I abandoned them, their nirvana no longer desireous to me, and seek out that fleeting moment of desperation in order to have my one true wish come true.
But I fear that moment will be my death. What a horrid joke: to be robbed of my own life and revive her own, only to lose her yet again. Yet again...
I almost expect it to be true...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[In an unknown place, devoid of much life and even appearing just askew from the normal color spectrum one would imagine is eternal to most living humanoids, several figures sit at a small quaint home. 2 of them sit in chairs on the front patio, sipping tea, while a third stomps around the front yard in a frustrated nature. One of the 2 seated itches himself, until he stops and tries to calm himself.]
HG Wells: As God as my witness, this latex suit is incredibly uncomfortable. And why does it have to be see-through??
Bromancer: They told you not to scratch at it. You'll just infect yourself and make things worse.
Man-Mammoth: Better to be inside out than as a bloody mutated mammoth!
Bromancer: And you calm yourself as well, my friend. Your frustrated nature is not doing your spirits any good.
Man-Mammoth: That loosey-goosey talk may work on other people, you ponce, but not on me!
HG Wells [to himself]: A giant mammoth man calling someone a ponce. Wonders *will* never cease... [sips his tea]
Bromancer: If it wasn't for you and your human parachute pal talking it up earlier, I'd naturally assume you were just foul-spirited around all living things.
Man-Mammoth: He's a kindred spirit. We're both of mutantkind and have a lot in common. [scratches the back of his head] It's refreshing, all things considered.
Bromancer: Now who sounds all loosey goosey?
Man-Mammoth: You try being forcibly mutated against your will and keep a pleasant attitude.
Bromancer: I was, in a manner of speaking. [sips his tea] I wasn't always like this.
Man-Mammoth: You mean gay?
Bromancer: Yes. I used to be quite straight.
HG Wells [not buying it]: Really.
Bromancer: It was when my rather wonderful life came to a screeching halt, around the age of 16, when I was abducted by a group of devilish witches. They seduced me into their coven and then performed dark arcane magicks on me. The only reason I didn't fight back was because I thought it would lead to hot sex.
Man-Mammoth: Sex. Great, there's something else I miss. [grumbles and stomps around some more]
HG Wells: So no hot wiccan sex with the presumably busty nubile ladies, then?
Bromancer: No.....it was sex with men! They gathered a bunch of their captives together and had us screw to the death to determine which of our supple manly forms would be the vessel of their powers. When I finally came out on top [HG Wells doubles over], they then abandoned their mortal forms and transcended to wherever wiccans go when they die, and in a fabulous display all their magicks passed on to me. Now I walk the world forcing men with my dark magicks to unnaturally fall in love and have sex with each other. [sips his tea] It's a lot more complex and meaningful than that, but I find that's the funniest way to describe myself. You should see the looks I get.
HG Wells: Because you look like a ponce.
Man-Mammoth [some distance away, still stomping]: Thank you!
Bromancer: I look stunning, damn you. And trust me, you're not one to talk at all, Mr. Inside Out Man.
HG Wells: One of these days I'll get an explanation for this from the masters. But until then, I serve their dark purpose.
Bromancer: To sit on this stoop and sip tea, because that's all you've done while we others have gone out to recruit new members of the masters' enclave of villainy.
[A familiar breeze washes over the threesome and they stop and turn, and suddenly the portal of the Super Collider erupts before them. Several characters emerge as one in particular presses forward and, as his fist bumps the Man-Mammoth, addresses HG Wells directly.]
Human Parachute: What ho, friendly foes! I have acquired more comrades to aid us in the masters' master plan.
[Several characters - some bizarre in appearance, others quite normal indeed - walk past, as Wells and the Man-Mammoth direct them into .]
Nancy the Hot Witch: Well hello there.
Bromancer: Keep walking, witch, I have issues with your kind.
Nancy the Hot Witch: Oh, you mean busty nubile ladies?
[HG Wells shoots Man-Mammoth a shocked look at their shared dialogue. But because Wells' inside out face looks really really sick when he makes that look, Man-Mammoth gags and has to excuse himself so as not to vomit everywhere. The Bromancer sighs as the witch smirks and walks away to join the others.]
Human Parachute: I also found this one here amidst my travels.
[2 of his associates - the Warlock Hemlock and Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist - carry a nearly unconscious man forward, and they place him on the ground. HG Wells walks to him and is overwhelmed by his identity, then checks on his vitals.]
Warlock Hemlock: We checked that already.
Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist: Yes.........he has wrists and a neck.
[Almost everyone facepalms in response to the doctor's very lame line, and Warlock Hemlock leads him away as he tries to pass off his stupidity as a mere joke.]
Bromancer: I take it you know him.
HG Wells: Yes. [the man comes to and Wells tries to revive him further] Webmaster? Is that you??
Webmaster: N.....my.....what? Where am.....
[Suddenly he projectile vomits right into HG Wells' face.]
Bromancer: Oh geez, he's horribly ill. Quick, let's...
HG Wells [eyes closed, somewhat angered]: Wait for it.
Webmaster: Wells?!? What the fuck happened to your face?!?!?!
Bromancer: Oh. It's because of the inside out thing. Gotcha.
Man-Mammoth: You're a bright one, you are.
Bromancer: Skewer me, sunshine.
Man-Mammoth: You know I have these tusks, right?
Bromancer: You heard me.
[Man-Mammoth, skeeved out, walks away and resumes cvonversing with the Human Parachute, as Wells wipes his face and the Webaster comes to his feet.]
Webmaster: Wow, I am SO sorry about that, Wells.
HG Wells: Quite alright, you certainly aren't the first and won't be the last. Although I think a chunk may've gotten into my.....never mind. So, how is it our paths cross again?
Webmaster: An aimless journey, my friend. It started with the quest for a miracle....and now has led me here.
HG Wells: I see. Well, you're amongst compatriots now. And what luck, in the middle of a recruitment drive.
Webmaster: Oh no, not...
HG Wells: No, no...it's not them. But it's someone...or rather, someones...similar...
[HG Wells places his arm on the Webmaster's shoulder and, with the Bromancer, leads the newest arrival into the small quaint home. There, in the living room area, the others are entranced by 2 beings on a vast video monitor.]
HG Wells: Our other friends here are being reconditioned and programmed, but you already know the deal. You know of the plight of....Cosmos and Chronos! Masters of Space and Time!
Bromancer: Respectively.
HG Wells: Stop. DOING. THAT.
Webmaster: Their plight?
HG Wells: Indeed. Allow the veils of untruth be moved aside and the true nature of their purpose be revealed to youre mind...
[Pause]
Webmaster: Wait, you said I didn't need to be conditioned or programmed.
HG Wells: I lied. [pause] Because I'm evil now. And soon.....so will you....
Oh, what luck. My quest for that fleeting moment...has led me here.
I think it's slowly coming upon me now...
Soon, my love........soon......
Bromancer: Really? I make a coming on reference and almost get lambasted for it, but he gets nothing?!
Man-Mammoth: If I could fit through this door, I would just smash you!
HG Wells: God, I really hope I don't live through whatever this ends up being. Please?
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Armageddon Spectacular, Book 3: Ne'er Do Wells!
Previously, on Quantum Piett!
=INSERT VERY INSANE THINGS HERE=
Piett: Well, that was succinct.
Herve: Incredibly so.
And now, Part 3 of this Incredible Amazing Spectacular Astonishing story that looks more important in name than it really probably will end up being!
Piett: Good to know we make it through the end.
Herve: Hopefully.
Piett: What's that mean?!
Herve: Since you introduced this vibe that something strange and insidiously pointless is going on, I have this nagging feeling that things may not end up ok at all.
Piett: Well, that puts a damper on all the redonkulousness. And here I was about to accept this pirate TV and Alan Alda and space ninja crap.
Herve: And robot zombie monkeys.
Piett: And the shit hurlers, yes.
Herve: So if something's going on..........how do we reveal it and get rid of this aura of pointlessness?
[Pause]
Piett: Let's kill the bounty hunters!
Herve: Oh, here we go on your "bounty hunters are scum" trip again.
Piett: Come on, no one'll miss them. They look like hobos!
Herve: But they're easily the most famous people here, though. More famous than Alan Alda. Do you really want to get rid of the only star power this story has?
Piett: It'd stand out and make things less pointless.
[Pause]
Herve: Alright, let's go kill bounty hunters.
[Piett and Herve leave this side room and return to the main assembly area, populated by robot monkey zombies, flying nuns, bounty hunters, Alan Alda, lawyer clowns, pirate TV's, dinocroc commandos, cyan-colored Cylons, Native Americans, cheap-ass muppets, Nazis, Nazis and even more Nazis.]
Piett: Ugh. This is so stupid.
Herve: So how are we playing this out?
Piett: I have a plan or two.
Herve: Plan 1 involves killing bounty hunters.
Piett: I've rethought that part and decided against it.
Herve: In like 10 seconds? Jesus! [pause] Ok, then, can we kill the pirate TV's?
Piett [shudders]: No, no, bear with me. We don't kill anyone.
Herve: Well then, kill me because I can't do this anymore.
Piett: No, dude. It just came to me. I have cosmic awareness.
Herve: Yes.
Piett: So I can use it......to get out of here.
Herve: Yes.
[Pause]
Herve: Wait, that's it? That's the plan you concocted over those earth-shattering 10 seconds??
Piett: Yes.
Herve: AND THIS JUST CAME TO YOU NOW?!?!?!
Piett: To be fair, you didn't think of it before now either.
Herve: SON OF A BITCH! You could've spared us more dead monkey robo-shit than we ever needed to see in our lives!!
Piett: At least it didn't smell.
Herve: I think we were just immediately numbed to it, honestly. But COME ON! You could've just twinkled your toes and wiggled your nose and we'd be out of this nightmare of aimlessness?!?
Piett: It was just part of the plan. Sorta.
Herve: Oh sure, retcon your logic and pretend this was always part of an ingenious master plan. Just get on with it.
Piett: Right.
[Pause, as even more ridiculous characters enter the palace.]
Herve: Oh my God, even MORE Nazis?! GET US OUT OF HERE!!!
[Piett nods........
.....and suddenly they are gone from that very silly Earth-Topanga world, and in a dark room sitting with tubes and stuff attached to their bodies. Piett wakes up suddenly.]
Piett: What the hell!!! Why are there always TUBES?!?
[Piett thrashes violently in his seat and manages to free himself from the chair's restraints. He looks to his side, as he gets up and pulls tubes out of his nose and ears, and sees Herve still sitting silently in his chair.]
Piett: Herve, wake up! [grabs his arms] Wake up!!!
He's not waking up, old friend.
Piett: What? Who?!
Who says I'm anywhere? Maybe I'm your inner monologue, come to life with a sooth loud speaking voice?
Piett: Um, no. My inner monologue sounds exactly like Hannah Harper.
R......really? The voice in your head sounds like a hot British porn actress?
Herve: Porn? What?What?Heh??What?
Piett: Thank you.
[Herve, now awake, also thrashes violently at the sound of something regarding porn.]
Oh what the hell!
Piett [helping Herve get free]: I tricked you, creepy PA system voice, because I knew that the only way to wake Herve up from an induced coma was to reference porn. It always works.
Herve: Coulda given me ginger ale, too. Though I'm not adverse to being reminded of hot British girls.
Piett: Shut up. Now reveal yourself, dastardly villain!
No.
Piett: Really. No?
No, I will not reveal myself. But I will reveal......THE LEAGUE OF EVIL NE'ER DO WELLS!!!!
[Pause]
Herve: L..............LOENDW?
Piett: That's a stupid acronym.
LEN! Its acroynm is LEN!
Herve: LEN? [pause] Wait, "LEN" again?! That can't be right.
League of Evil Ne'er Do Wells! Stand and reveal yourselves!
[Suddenly, a great number of people make their presence known in the darkness, as the panoramic window displaying the planet Earth appears and brightens the room to reveal quite a large crowd.]
Piett: Earth? Seriously??
Behold......HG Wells the Inside Out Man!
Piett and Herve: AHHHHH!!!!! [pukes]
Super Collider!
Piett and Herve: AHHHHH!!!!! [pukes again]
Seriously? You've seen him before.
Piett: Sorry, that was still from seeing HG Wells turned inside out.
Herve: Seriously, how the fuck did that happen?!
HG Wells: I've come to grips with it!
Shut up and let me continue! ....Ben Franklin Jr!
Piett: Wait, how is he evil?
Ben Franklin Jr: Dad was wrong.....about AMERICA!
Herve: Ooh, you bitch!
Warlock Hemlock!
Herve: Recurring character!
The Webmaster!
Piett: Recurring character!
Herve: Hey, wait! You were with us a few years back and then disappeared....and now you're evil?!
Webmaster: Not all character development is contained in these stories, assholes!
The Black Lantern!
Piett & Herve: AHHHH!!!! [no pukes this time]
Piett: Oh no, not the driving force behind the 2009-2010 DC Comics event spectacular!
Herve: An undead and invincible being driven by energies and forces beyond our ability to comprehend, but who will probably be defeated once and for all in an incredibly overexplained and oversimplified manner?!
Black Lantern: Uh.....no, I'm just a black guy with a fetish for lanterns.
Piett: Oh. Thank...goodness?
Elie Wiesel, the Nazi Hunter!
Herve: That's not so bad. He was a good man who hunted down fugitive Nazis in real life.
Piett: Wait for it...
No, this Elie Wiesel IS a Nazi, because in his head sits HITLER'S BRAIN!!!
Herve: Hitler bad! BOO! [pauses, to himself] Wait a minute...
Joe Q. Public!
Piett: Quantum Piett's occassional narrator who represents our fictional vast fanbase?
Joe Q. Public: Yes, one and the same!
Herve: But why?
Joe Q. Public: These stories suck and have gone on far too long! So joining a league of evil doers who were out to kill you was the inevitable conclusion to my character....and to YOU!!!
The Apes of Wrath!
Apes of Wrath: We're hungry and are homeless in the American west! No wonder we're so angry!
Herve: A Grapes of Wrath joke?! Shit, Walsh is expanding his horizons.
The diabolical dino-sinner, Premarital Rex!
Premarital Rex: RAWR!
The Bromancer!
Bromancer: I make men love each other....for it is unnatural! SEE HOW I'M EVIILLLL!!!!
Piett [shakes his head]: Such social intolerance.
Herve: Yeah. In some places, he's probably a hero. [hangs head in shamey shame]
Lasertron, digital executioner from the 12th Realm!
Piett: Who?
Herve: We don't need to know all of them, I guess.
Edgar Allen Poe's evil half-twin brother: Paco Poe!
Herve: Wha?
The Man-Mammoth!
Man-Mammoth: I'm half man and half extinct mammoth and so I'm going to take my genetic angst out on YOU!
Herve: These are getting silly.
The Booger Man!
Booger Man: I'm like the Boogeyman but am instead obsessed with snots and phlegm!
Piett: Guh.
Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist!
The Human Parachute!
Lou Gehrig's Disease!
Nancy the Hot Witch!
Karl Rove!
William James Howard the 3rd!
Mel Simpson of Hollywood, Florida, and his evil wife Ruth!
[As the loud voice continues rattling out names and the figures jump to the forefront, Piett and Herve move aside......and apparently no ne'er-do-wells really notice...]
Piett: This villains list seems neverending.
Herve: Yeah. And now it's just people we've never heard of, or regular folks with a penchant for buggery. I think we might still be in that alternate reality.
Piett: No, we're totally not. This is really just stupid on its own.
Webmaster: You're telling me. I'm pretty sure half these people are just asylum inmates convinced they're normal yet evil people.
Piett: No, I'm not telling--hang on! Webmaster?!
Webmaster: Yeah, you just saw me in the lineup.
Herve: But you're evil.
Webmaster: Just a ruse to get me closer to the real evils here...Cosmos and Chronos! I've done my own investigating for years now and have learned the horrible truth of their nature. They're rewriting your pasts, my friends, and feeding on the universe around us! This whole ploy is just to create one gigantic battle that they can feed off of!
Herve [to himself]: You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition... [normal voice again] but that's great news to hear about! [pause] Dammit!
Piett: What Wiseass McDick here is saying is......well, he's an idiot, and I can't be bothered to decipher his ramblings most of the time.
Herve: The feeling is mutual.
Piett: So what, are you suggesting we.....not fight?!
Herve: AHA! This whole aside just proves you ARE evil!
Webmaster: Oh no, not at all! I'm suggesting we not only fight.....but we fight HARD!
[Herve chuckles like an idiot.]
Webmaster: If we make this battle even bigger and more energetic, if you will, perhaps it could overload them. So much insanity that it'll overhwelm and defeat them once and for all.
Piett: Intriguing... [ponders while Webmaster continues]
Webmaster: So I've alerted many of our old friends, and they've agreed to meet up with Gaynes and come here to help us!
Piett: Gaynes! Gah, I almost forgot about that plot point!
Webmaster: Yes, the giant living spaceship was a forgotten plot point. Right. [rolls his eyes]
Herve: But wait, we tried to recruit them and they all said no or hung up on us. How'd they listen to you?!
Webmaster: Let's just say that for some.....that internet bubble never burst.
Piett: Oh snap! You *bought* them?!
Webmaster: I call it a "modest stipend." Plus, they didn't say yes to you because you were both kinda dicks back in the day, while I wasn't.
Herve: You prick! A helpful prick, but still a prick.
Piett: And a genius prick! [to self] Ok, gonna stop saying that word now. Herve, this shit's about to hit the wall!
Herve: I know those tubes up your ass hurt, but just use a toilet.
Piett: There were no tubes up my ass.
[Shocked silence.]
Herve: Of course there weren't. Heh. Heh heh. [tears up a bit, fights it back]
Webmaster: We get it, Cosmos and Chronos shoved tubes up your unconscious ass and not Piett's. The man's trying to make a point!
Piett: Work with me, the both of you, I think I've got a solution.
Herve: What is it?
Piett: Not now, you'll spoil my dramatic reveal!
Herve: And by the way, how'd we even get here from the Executor II in the first place? Is anyone else wondering that?
Piett: Not the time for that, shut up! [they return to the babbling disembodied voice, who is wrapping up his roster sheet]
....and finally, comedian Greg Giraldo!
Greg Giraldo: Finally, a chance to shine somewhere else besides on Comedy CentraaAHHH!!!!
[Herve leaps into the air and rips Giraldo's throat right out with his jaws of death. The comedian dies, much like most of his stand up act, as Herve wipes his face clean and returns to Piett's side.]
Whoa! You did NOT just do that! Do you know the kind of world of hurt you just brought onto yourself!
Herve: We can guess at it, yes.
And you, Webmaster?! You're with them now?!
Webmaster: I am, for I know the breadth of your tactics.....AND your true intent!
HG Wells: You defected just like that?! Not in the midst of battle, but in a cheap aside?! I'll kill you personally for that!
Oh, this delicious pain will be most enjoyed, Quantum Piett!
Piett: Yeah?
[Suddenly the panoramic window is blasted open, as in the distance the Super Star Destroyer Executor II floats closer to the space station. Several ne'er-do-wells, whose names were not stated for the reading masses to catch because they were always intended to be cannon fodder anyway, are sucked out into the empty and cold void of space before energy shields seal the room shut. At the same time, several people emerge from teleportation into the room. A cavalcade of quantum allies: Jim Ferr, Ashley Ferr and her sisters, Booster Rocket, Jungle Girl, EV9D9 and 8D8, Graham and apparently....Jesus Christ: the Son of God.]
Piett and Herve: JESUS!!
Jesus Christ: the Son of God: Yeah, no one else wanted to represent Heaven. But I have SO little to do anyway, and this is easily the funnest thing I've done in like forever, so why not?
Herve [sizing up their group]: Seems like a lackluster crowd.
Piett: Oh.........is it?
Herve: Ooh, is this the dramatic reveal?
Piett: It TOTALLY is.
[Suddenly Piett closes his eyes.....and for the effect, he twinkles his toes and wiggles his nose, and an even larger crowd of people emerge from nowhere. Soon the quantum crowd is joined by robot zombie monkeys, pirate TV's, dinocroc commandos, Captain Rexxx and his bounty hunters, crappy muppets, the Flying Nuns and Legal Baffoons, Cyanlons, too many Nazis to count, and Alan Alda.]
Alan Alda: Ah, good, you've returned so we can resume the WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS INSANITY?!?!???
Piett: My colleagues! This League of Ne'er Do Wells are here to intervene violently with the signing of the Contract of Lairds! They mean to overthrow the League of Evil Ninjas!
Herve: And steal your acronym for themselves too, Alan Alda!
Alan Alda: Well I never.....comrades, TO ARMS!!!
Kim Jong Bil: Throw our shit at them!!!
Flying Nuns: FUCK YEAH!!!
Booster Rocket [to Jungle Girl]: Seriously, we could've done without the money and just stayed at home.
NO!!!
Piett: Yes. That's right, Chronos.............bring it.
*to be continued*
=INSERT VERY INSANE THINGS HERE=
Piett: Well, that was succinct.
Herve: Incredibly so.
And now, Part 3 of this Incredible Amazing Spectacular Astonishing story that looks more important in name than it really probably will end up being!
Piett: Good to know we make it through the end.
Herve: Hopefully.
Piett: What's that mean?!
Herve: Since you introduced this vibe that something strange and insidiously pointless is going on, I have this nagging feeling that things may not end up ok at all.
Piett: Well, that puts a damper on all the redonkulousness. And here I was about to accept this pirate TV and Alan Alda and space ninja crap.
Herve: And robot zombie monkeys.
Piett: And the shit hurlers, yes.
Herve: So if something's going on..........how do we reveal it and get rid of this aura of pointlessness?
[Pause]
Piett: Let's kill the bounty hunters!
Herve: Oh, here we go on your "bounty hunters are scum" trip again.
Piett: Come on, no one'll miss them. They look like hobos!
Herve: But they're easily the most famous people here, though. More famous than Alan Alda. Do you really want to get rid of the only star power this story has?
Piett: It'd stand out and make things less pointless.
[Pause]
Herve: Alright, let's go kill bounty hunters.
[Piett and Herve leave this side room and return to the main assembly area, populated by robot monkey zombies, flying nuns, bounty hunters, Alan Alda, lawyer clowns, pirate TV's, dinocroc commandos, cyan-colored Cylons, Native Americans, cheap-ass muppets, Nazis, Nazis and even more Nazis.]
Piett: Ugh. This is so stupid.
Herve: So how are we playing this out?
Piett: I have a plan or two.
Herve: Plan 1 involves killing bounty hunters.
Piett: I've rethought that part and decided against it.
Herve: In like 10 seconds? Jesus! [pause] Ok, then, can we kill the pirate TV's?
Piett [shudders]: No, no, bear with me. We don't kill anyone.
Herve: Well then, kill me because I can't do this anymore.
Piett: No, dude. It just came to me. I have cosmic awareness.
Herve: Yes.
Piett: So I can use it......to get out of here.
Herve: Yes.
[Pause]
Herve: Wait, that's it? That's the plan you concocted over those earth-shattering 10 seconds??
Piett: Yes.
Herve: AND THIS JUST CAME TO YOU NOW?!?!?!
Piett: To be fair, you didn't think of it before now either.
Herve: SON OF A BITCH! You could've spared us more dead monkey robo-shit than we ever needed to see in our lives!!
Piett: At least it didn't smell.
Herve: I think we were just immediately numbed to it, honestly. But COME ON! You could've just twinkled your toes and wiggled your nose and we'd be out of this nightmare of aimlessness?!?
Piett: It was just part of the plan. Sorta.
Herve: Oh sure, retcon your logic and pretend this was always part of an ingenious master plan. Just get on with it.
Piett: Right.
[Pause, as even more ridiculous characters enter the palace.]
Herve: Oh my God, even MORE Nazis?! GET US OUT OF HERE!!!
[Piett nods........
.....and suddenly they are gone from that very silly Earth-Topanga world, and in a dark room sitting with tubes and stuff attached to their bodies. Piett wakes up suddenly.]
Piett: What the hell!!! Why are there always TUBES?!?
[Piett thrashes violently in his seat and manages to free himself from the chair's restraints. He looks to his side, as he gets up and pulls tubes out of his nose and ears, and sees Herve still sitting silently in his chair.]
Piett: Herve, wake up! [grabs his arms] Wake up!!!
He's not waking up, old friend.
Piett: What? Who?!
Who says I'm anywhere? Maybe I'm your inner monologue, come to life with a sooth loud speaking voice?
Piett: Um, no. My inner monologue sounds exactly like Hannah Harper.
R......really? The voice in your head sounds like a hot British porn actress?
Herve: Porn? What?What?Heh??What?
Piett: Thank you.
[Herve, now awake, also thrashes violently at the sound of something regarding porn.]
Oh what the hell!
Piett [helping Herve get free]: I tricked you, creepy PA system voice, because I knew that the only way to wake Herve up from an induced coma was to reference porn. It always works.
Herve: Coulda given me ginger ale, too. Though I'm not adverse to being reminded of hot British girls.
Piett: Shut up. Now reveal yourself, dastardly villain!
No.
Piett: Really. No?
No, I will not reveal myself. But I will reveal......THE LEAGUE OF EVIL NE'ER DO WELLS!!!!
[Pause]
Herve: L..............LOENDW?
Piett: That's a stupid acronym.
LEN! Its acroynm is LEN!
Herve: LEN? [pause] Wait, "LEN" again?! That can't be right.
League of Evil Ne'er Do Wells! Stand and reveal yourselves!
[Suddenly, a great number of people make their presence known in the darkness, as the panoramic window displaying the planet Earth appears and brightens the room to reveal quite a large crowd.]
Piett: Earth? Seriously??
Behold......HG Wells the Inside Out Man!
Piett and Herve: AHHHHH!!!!! [pukes]
Super Collider!
Piett and Herve: AHHHHH!!!!! [pukes again]
Seriously? You've seen him before.
Piett: Sorry, that was still from seeing HG Wells turned inside out.
Herve: Seriously, how the fuck did that happen?!
HG Wells: I've come to grips with it!
Shut up and let me continue! ....Ben Franklin Jr!
Piett: Wait, how is he evil?
Ben Franklin Jr: Dad was wrong.....about AMERICA!
Herve: Ooh, you bitch!
Warlock Hemlock!
Herve: Recurring character!
The Webmaster!
Piett: Recurring character!
Herve: Hey, wait! You were with us a few years back and then disappeared....and now you're evil?!
Webmaster: Not all character development is contained in these stories, assholes!
The Black Lantern!
Piett & Herve: AHHHH!!!! [no pukes this time]
Piett: Oh no, not the driving force behind the 2009-2010 DC Comics event spectacular!
Herve: An undead and invincible being driven by energies and forces beyond our ability to comprehend, but who will probably be defeated once and for all in an incredibly overexplained and oversimplified manner?!
Black Lantern: Uh.....no, I'm just a black guy with a fetish for lanterns.
Piett: Oh. Thank...goodness?
Elie Wiesel, the Nazi Hunter!
Herve: That's not so bad. He was a good man who hunted down fugitive Nazis in real life.
Piett: Wait for it...
No, this Elie Wiesel IS a Nazi, because in his head sits HITLER'S BRAIN!!!
Herve: Hitler bad! BOO! [pauses, to himself] Wait a minute...
Joe Q. Public!
Piett: Quantum Piett's occassional narrator who represents our fictional vast fanbase?
Joe Q. Public: Yes, one and the same!
Herve: But why?
Joe Q. Public: These stories suck and have gone on far too long! So joining a league of evil doers who were out to kill you was the inevitable conclusion to my character....and to YOU!!!
The Apes of Wrath!
Apes of Wrath: We're hungry and are homeless in the American west! No wonder we're so angry!
Herve: A Grapes of Wrath joke?! Shit, Walsh is expanding his horizons.
The diabolical dino-sinner, Premarital Rex!
Premarital Rex: RAWR!
The Bromancer!
Bromancer: I make men love each other....for it is unnatural! SEE HOW I'M EVIILLLL!!!!
Piett [shakes his head]: Such social intolerance.
Herve: Yeah. In some places, he's probably a hero. [hangs head in shamey shame]
Lasertron, digital executioner from the 12th Realm!
Piett: Who?
Herve: We don't need to know all of them, I guess.
Edgar Allen Poe's evil half-twin brother: Paco Poe!
Herve: Wha?
The Man-Mammoth!
Man-Mammoth: I'm half man and half extinct mammoth and so I'm going to take my genetic angst out on YOU!
Herve: These are getting silly.
The Booger Man!
Booger Man: I'm like the Boogeyman but am instead obsessed with snots and phlegm!
Piett: Guh.
Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist!
The Human Parachute!
Lou Gehrig's Disease!
Nancy the Hot Witch!
Karl Rove!
William James Howard the 3rd!
Mel Simpson of Hollywood, Florida, and his evil wife Ruth!
[As the loud voice continues rattling out names and the figures jump to the forefront, Piett and Herve move aside......and apparently no ne'er-do-wells really notice...]
Piett: This villains list seems neverending.
Herve: Yeah. And now it's just people we've never heard of, or regular folks with a penchant for buggery. I think we might still be in that alternate reality.
Piett: No, we're totally not. This is really just stupid on its own.
Webmaster: You're telling me. I'm pretty sure half these people are just asylum inmates convinced they're normal yet evil people.
Piett: No, I'm not telling--hang on! Webmaster?!
Webmaster: Yeah, you just saw me in the lineup.
Herve: But you're evil.
Webmaster: Just a ruse to get me closer to the real evils here...Cosmos and Chronos! I've done my own investigating for years now and have learned the horrible truth of their nature. They're rewriting your pasts, my friends, and feeding on the universe around us! This whole ploy is just to create one gigantic battle that they can feed off of!
Herve [to himself]: You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition... [normal voice again] but that's great news to hear about! [pause] Dammit!
Piett: What Wiseass McDick here is saying is......well, he's an idiot, and I can't be bothered to decipher his ramblings most of the time.
Herve: The feeling is mutual.
Piett: So what, are you suggesting we.....not fight?!
Herve: AHA! This whole aside just proves you ARE evil!
Webmaster: Oh no, not at all! I'm suggesting we not only fight.....but we fight HARD!
[Herve chuckles like an idiot.]
Webmaster: If we make this battle even bigger and more energetic, if you will, perhaps it could overload them. So much insanity that it'll overhwelm and defeat them once and for all.
Piett: Intriguing... [ponders while Webmaster continues]
Webmaster: So I've alerted many of our old friends, and they've agreed to meet up with Gaynes and come here to help us!
Piett: Gaynes! Gah, I almost forgot about that plot point!
Webmaster: Yes, the giant living spaceship was a forgotten plot point. Right. [rolls his eyes]
Herve: But wait, we tried to recruit them and they all said no or hung up on us. How'd they listen to you?!
Webmaster: Let's just say that for some.....that internet bubble never burst.
Piett: Oh snap! You *bought* them?!
Webmaster: I call it a "modest stipend." Plus, they didn't say yes to you because you were both kinda dicks back in the day, while I wasn't.
Herve: You prick! A helpful prick, but still a prick.
Piett: And a genius prick! [to self] Ok, gonna stop saying that word now. Herve, this shit's about to hit the wall!
Herve: I know those tubes up your ass hurt, but just use a toilet.
Piett: There were no tubes up my ass.
[Shocked silence.]
Herve: Of course there weren't. Heh. Heh heh. [tears up a bit, fights it back]
Webmaster: We get it, Cosmos and Chronos shoved tubes up your unconscious ass and not Piett's. The man's trying to make a point!
Piett: Work with me, the both of you, I think I've got a solution.
Herve: What is it?
Piett: Not now, you'll spoil my dramatic reveal!
Herve: And by the way, how'd we even get here from the Executor II in the first place? Is anyone else wondering that?
Piett: Not the time for that, shut up! [they return to the babbling disembodied voice, who is wrapping up his roster sheet]
....and finally, comedian Greg Giraldo!
Greg Giraldo: Finally, a chance to shine somewhere else besides on Comedy CentraaAHHH!!!!
[Herve leaps into the air and rips Giraldo's throat right out with his jaws of death. The comedian dies, much like most of his stand up act, as Herve wipes his face clean and returns to Piett's side.]
Whoa! You did NOT just do that! Do you know the kind of world of hurt you just brought onto yourself!
Herve: We can guess at it, yes.
And you, Webmaster?! You're with them now?!
Webmaster: I am, for I know the breadth of your tactics.....AND your true intent!
HG Wells: You defected just like that?! Not in the midst of battle, but in a cheap aside?! I'll kill you personally for that!
Oh, this delicious pain will be most enjoyed, Quantum Piett!
Piett: Yeah?
[Suddenly the panoramic window is blasted open, as in the distance the Super Star Destroyer Executor II floats closer to the space station. Several ne'er-do-wells, whose names were not stated for the reading masses to catch because they were always intended to be cannon fodder anyway, are sucked out into the empty and cold void of space before energy shields seal the room shut. At the same time, several people emerge from teleportation into the room. A cavalcade of quantum allies: Jim Ferr, Ashley Ferr and her sisters, Booster Rocket, Jungle Girl, EV9D9 and 8D8, Graham and apparently....Jesus Christ: the Son of God.]
Piett and Herve: JESUS!!
Jesus Christ: the Son of God: Yeah, no one else wanted to represent Heaven. But I have SO little to do anyway, and this is easily the funnest thing I've done in like forever, so why not?
Herve [sizing up their group]: Seems like a lackluster crowd.
Piett: Oh.........is it?
Herve: Ooh, is this the dramatic reveal?
Piett: It TOTALLY is.
[Suddenly Piett closes his eyes.....and for the effect, he twinkles his toes and wiggles his nose, and an even larger crowd of people emerge from nowhere. Soon the quantum crowd is joined by robot zombie monkeys, pirate TV's, dinocroc commandos, Captain Rexxx and his bounty hunters, crappy muppets, the Flying Nuns and Legal Baffoons, Cyanlons, too many Nazis to count, and Alan Alda.]
Alan Alda: Ah, good, you've returned so we can resume the WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS INSANITY?!?!???
Piett: My colleagues! This League of Ne'er Do Wells are here to intervene violently with the signing of the Contract of Lairds! They mean to overthrow the League of Evil Ninjas!
Herve: And steal your acronym for themselves too, Alan Alda!
Alan Alda: Well I never.....comrades, TO ARMS!!!
Kim Jong Bil: Throw our shit at them!!!
Flying Nuns: FUCK YEAH!!!
Booster Rocket [to Jungle Girl]: Seriously, we could've done without the money and just stayed at home.
NO!!!
Piett: Yes. That's right, Chronos.............bring it.
*to be continued*
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The Armageddon Spectacular, Book 2: Bounty Hunters and Alan Alda!
IN THE PRIOR TALE OF PITIFUL FICTION, THE QUANTUM AGENTS HERVE AND PIETT TRAVELED TO EARTH-TOPANGA WHERE THERE THEY ENCOUNTERED THE--
Kim Jong Bil: What--where did those giant words come from?!? OPEN FIRE!!!!
[The robot monkey zombie battalion immediately shove their hands in their asses and start throwing undead and possibly robotic-as-well crap at the giant words of introductory narration.]
OH MY GOD YOU'RE FLINGING YOUR SHIT AT ME?!? TO HELL WITH THIS!!
[The large and annoying words fade away and take the robot monkey zombies' shit with it, as the entourage of vehicles moves onward. Kim Jong Bil, the robot monkey zombie leader of North Korea, sits back down as his 1992 Yugo Cabrio presses onward. Herve and Piett, sitting in the back seat, try to ignore these latest developments onward.]
Piett: Ok, I'll bite. Why doesn't it stink like shit when you do that?
Kim Jong Bil: Somehow being dead and full of crap cancel each other out.
Herve: That makes no sense.
Kim Jong Bil: I'm a robot monkey zombie. What part of THAT makes sense??
Herve: Ok, that makes sense. [pause] I think?
[The fleet of 1992 Yugo Cabrios speeds through the terrain of North Korea and toward the capital city. Herve and Piett look up as a giant sign welcomes them to Pongyang, North Korea.]
Piett: I swear that's spelled differently than what it should be...
Kim Jong Bil: It was. But we could never get it right, so we opted to change it. Sadly, those South Koreans didn't agree and it led to a great war that divided our country forever.
Piett: Which of course led to global annihilation.
Kim Jong Bil: Of course.
Piett: Yikes.
[The cars travel through the city before stopping at a grand palace - presumably, the palace of Kim Jong Bil. They all exit and make their way up the steps and through the main gates. Within is contained the upper echelon of the North Korean Empire....picking gnats and worms and metal filings off each others robot monkey zombie backs. Also standing there is famed TV actor Alan Alda.]
Alan Alda: Hi, how are ya?
Piett: Alan Alda?! In Korea?! [pause] Heh, that seems so familiar.
Alan Alda: I did a show once that took place in Vietnam. That's as familiar as you can get.
Piett: Ah.
Alan Alda: You must be the representatives of the Space Time Continuum. [shakes Piett and Herve's hands]
Herve: Indeed we are. You know these guys tried to kill us because they thought we were with the League of Evil Ninjas.
Alan Alda: Kill, or hurl a load of shit at you?
Herve: Both. Actually.....there may've been more of the poo lobbing now that I think of it.
Alan Alda: Yeah, they did that to me too.
Kim Jong Bil: Again, we're small brained primates. Don't know any better.
Alan Alda: Which is why the world has been left in our charge.
Piett: Your charge??
Alan Alda: I am the grand super emissary of the League of Evil Ninjas!
Herve: Well, that would explain why Alan Alda was standing here.
Piett: Wait....[thinks for a moment]....LEN? You acronymed yourselves after 1980's Celtics recruit Len Bias: deceased?
Herve: Sweet obscure reference, dude.
Piett: Thanks. Although my cosmic awareness tells me it's not the first time someone's done that...
Alan Alda: Um, right. As sworn emissary of the League, I've come to ensure the terms of the Contract of Lairds are being upheld, for this is a most holy occassion. And now, because I lack thwe ability to come up with a segue, these are my colleagues.
[A group of shady and shifty individuals appear in Alan Alda's company. Without even knowing who they are, Piett and Herve loudly react.]
Piett and Herve: Bounty hunters?!?
Alan Alda: You have a keen eye.
Bounty hunter Captain Rexxx: Actually, it's because we look super shady and shifty.
Herve: Shady and shifty. Totally. You pull it off well.
Captain Rexxx: Thanks.
Piett: Wait, "bounty hunter captain?" Bounty hunters normally exist and operate on their own.
Captain Rexxx: Eh, we're an odd bunch. And in a way, being organized and having health benefits that we all chip in and pay for makes us even shadier and shiftier .
Piett: Not really, but I like your tactics and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Captain Rexxx: My band of sexy basterds doesn't have a newsletter. [gets wistful] Yet.
Herve: Ooh, "sexy." Can't wait to see this. [to Piett] Wait, aren't you the man who once said of bounty hunters "we don't need their scum."
Piett: It was just that group. What with their sly voices and bandaged faces and reptilian toe jam.
Captain Rexxx: Hey now, don't be dissing my companions here.
[Bossk, Dengar, 4-LOM, Zuckuss and IG-88 - the bounty hunters from Empire Strikes Back - enter.]
Piett: Oh SHIT.
Herve: Now how is THIS sexy?!?
Bossk: Until you've seen what our women look like, shut up.
Herve: Well my junk was hoping for actual sexy lady bounty hunters. Now I just have to go punch it and cry in a corner.
Dengar: That guy seems seriously messed up. And I wear bandages all over my face for no discernable reason.
[Suddenly a new group of character emerge into sight. All look up as a group of cloaked women descend into the main assembly area. They appear to be a group of nuns.]
Herve: Oh man, their names had better be something besides--
Kim Jong Bil: And lo, the Flying Nuns have arrived.
[Herve hangs his head in shame, as 2 of the women approach Kim Jong Bil and Alan Alda.]
Piett: Don't worry, at least their names should be more original than what I suspect they will b--
Kim Jong Bil: Welcome, esteemed ladies.
Mother Father: Peace be with you, Kim Jong Bil.
Sister Brother: And peace be with your clan of allies.
Herve: We should kill them just out of principle.
Piett: Yes. We should.
[Suddenly, a clown car drives into the room, and out emerge several suit-clad lawyers.]
Herve [sternly, and without humour]: What is this.
Alan Alda: Ah, good, The Legal Baffoons have arrived, to even further ensure the legality of the Contract of Laird's execution.
[One of the lawyers emerges on a unicycle, juggling cans of tuna fish. Herve angrily kicks the unicycle out from under him.]
Piett: That was uncalled for.
Herve: Sorry. I thought it was Ponte.
[Even more ridiculous characters enter the palace in an assortment of manners, much to Piett and Herve's disgust and intrigue. A group of dinocroc commandos. A group of Cylons painted bright blue...]
Herve: C...Cyanlons?
Piett: Clever stretch.
[...a group of Native Americans, a few Nazi officers, several men carrying and animating very generic knock-off muppets, a few Klansmen...]
Herve: Geez, enough with the Nazis.
Piett: You know, for a world ravaged by nuclear destruction, there seem to be a lot of survivors who lived through it relatively unscathed.
[Suddenly a flying pirate ship, and several occupants propel down to the ground.]
Mandrakk: Ahoy, me mateys! We be the representatives of the space-farin' Society of Maraudin' Pirate TVs!
Pirates: ARRR!
Piett: AHHHHH!!!!AHHHHHH!!!!AHHHHH!!!!AHHHHH!!!!!!!! [runs away screaming]
[Pause]
Herve: Uh. We've apparently had bad encounters with your kind before. Just as long as you're not vampires, we're--
Mandrakk: Holy geez! Vampirism explains why we drink blood, it does!
Herve: And now I run away too. [runs away too]
Alan Alda: Yeesh, for the representatives of the Continuum, you'd think they'd be used to these kinds of assemblies.
Sister Brother: You can't blame them for being so vanilla.
Mandrakk: Ay, but we are an especially motley crew, we are.
Pirates: ARRR!
Mandrakk: I said "are," not "ARRR!", ya bildrats!
[In another room, Herves enters and finds Piett hiding behind a couch.]
Piett: Are they gone?!
Herve: What's wrong with you? You see old bounty hunters you were racist toward, and pirate TV's from a rewritten time, and suddenly freak out?! You've seen and done and lived through way worse, man.
Piett: They opened up something deep and dark inside me last time, man. Like, emotions and stuff Walsh can't write very well.
Herve: He can't write anything very well, so why would [stops mid-sentence, horrified because his penis has suddenly been uncreated] Oh great, he just took away my penis. COME ON! IT'S ALL I'VE REALLY GOT, MAN!! [long awkward uncomfortable that's-what-he-gets pause] Oh thank goodness, it's back again. So what's really up with you?
Piett [emerges from behind the couch]: Herv, has it....has it occured to you that this story has no point?
Herve: Congratulations on finally catching up with the last 10 years.
Piett: No, I mean.....this particular story. What's the plot? I can't sense a plot here whatsoever.
[Pause]
Herve: We just kill everyone?
Piett: But why?
Heve: Because it's fun?
Piett: Well, yes, but what after that? How does this world rebuild itself? How is chaos ushered out to make way for order? What's the conflict? The overwhelming sense of significance of any of this?! We're just cascading into.......into......
[Herve's eyes widen.]
Herve: Into oblivion. Whoa, dude....do you think THAT'S the point.
Piett: If it is, I'm impressed that it took this long to finally pit us against this concept.
Herve: Who....who would do something like this?
Piett: Who else?
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
In his home, Michael Ponte - the probable perputrator of this pointlessness, no doubt - is playing his Wii or Guitar Hero or whatever he does with his time off these days. When suddenly.....
Michael Ponte: OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL!!!!! GET OUT OF HERE I HAVE NO PANTS ON AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Michael Ponte: AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh....oh God! I just saw his penis.
And it has ARMS.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[Meanwhile, somewhere else beyond.......that monstrosity.......Herve and Piett sit silent. But instead of surrounded by the absurdity of Earth-Topanga and its populace, they are surrounded by darkness, locked in place and with intricate equipment connected to their mortal forms. They sit lifeless, with energy coursing to, from and through their bodies, as 2 figures - their captors - stand over them.]
Chronos: How delicious. Their imaginations are as fulfilling as all the realities we've destroyed and absorbed for their cosmic life energies. Who knew their adventures created so much potential....and so much nourishment for our stale forms.
Cosmos: It cannot last much longer. Piett and Herve will be drained....and what then?
Chronos: I've prepared for that inevitability. Even before their bodies die out.
Cosmos: How so?
Chronos: Please. I fully expect them to remember they have cosmic awareness any moment now, and they'll break free. We wouldn't have relied on them ao much if they were any less useful and clever.
Cosmos: And then?
Chronos: Then we'll destroy them ourselves.
Cosmos: But our powers, why waste them when--
Chronos: Again, I planned for this. Our......friends here will do the work for us. We will consume all the energy they create in this, Piett and Herve's final conflict, and when they're defeated we will absorb the quantum duo once and for all.
[Chronos turns to an associate nearby, slightly masked by the darkness around them. He steps forward as Chronos speaks.]
Chronos: If they do come out, they're all yours. You and your newly collected League. Finish them....[grins].....and make it painful. It tastes so much better when it's painful.
HG Wells the Inside Out Man: As you wish.
*to be continued*
Kim Jong Bil: What--where did those giant words come from?!? OPEN FIRE!!!!
[The robot monkey zombie battalion immediately shove their hands in their asses and start throwing undead and possibly robotic-as-well crap at the giant words of introductory narration.]
[The large and annoying words fade away and take the robot monkey zombies' shit with it, as the entourage of vehicles moves onward. Kim Jong Bil, the robot monkey zombie leader of North Korea, sits back down as his 1992 Yugo Cabrio presses onward. Herve and Piett, sitting in the back seat, try to ignore these latest developments onward.]
Piett: Ok, I'll bite. Why doesn't it stink like shit when you do that?
Kim Jong Bil: Somehow being dead and full of crap cancel each other out.
Herve: That makes no sense.
Kim Jong Bil: I'm a robot monkey zombie. What part of THAT makes sense??
Herve: Ok, that makes sense. [pause] I think?
[The fleet of 1992 Yugo Cabrios speeds through the terrain of North Korea and toward the capital city. Herve and Piett look up as a giant sign welcomes them to Pongyang, North Korea.]
Piett: I swear that's spelled differently than what it should be...
Kim Jong Bil: It was. But we could never get it right, so we opted to change it. Sadly, those South Koreans didn't agree and it led to a great war that divided our country forever.
Piett: Which of course led to global annihilation.
Kim Jong Bil: Of course.
Piett: Yikes.
[The cars travel through the city before stopping at a grand palace - presumably, the palace of Kim Jong Bil. They all exit and make their way up the steps and through the main gates. Within is contained the upper echelon of the North Korean Empire....picking gnats and worms and metal filings off each others robot monkey zombie backs. Also standing there is famed TV actor Alan Alda.]
Alan Alda: Hi, how are ya?
Piett: Alan Alda?! In Korea?! [pause] Heh, that seems so familiar.
Alan Alda: I did a show once that took place in Vietnam. That's as familiar as you can get.
Piett: Ah.
Alan Alda: You must be the representatives of the Space Time Continuum. [shakes Piett and Herve's hands]
Herve: Indeed we are. You know these guys tried to kill us because they thought we were with the League of Evil Ninjas.
Alan Alda: Kill, or hurl a load of shit at you?
Herve: Both. Actually.....there may've been more of the poo lobbing now that I think of it.
Alan Alda: Yeah, they did that to me too.
Kim Jong Bil: Again, we're small brained primates. Don't know any better.
Alan Alda: Which is why the world has been left in our charge.
Piett: Your charge??
Alan Alda: I am the grand super emissary of the League of Evil Ninjas!
Herve: Well, that would explain why Alan Alda was standing here.
Piett: Wait....[thinks for a moment]....LEN? You acronymed yourselves after 1980's Celtics recruit Len Bias: deceased?
Herve: Sweet obscure reference, dude.
Piett: Thanks. Although my cosmic awareness tells me it's not the first time someone's done that...
Alan Alda: Um, right. As sworn emissary of the League, I've come to ensure the terms of the Contract of Lairds are being upheld, for this is a most holy occassion. And now, because I lack thwe ability to come up with a segue, these are my colleagues.
[A group of shady and shifty individuals appear in Alan Alda's company. Without even knowing who they are, Piett and Herve loudly react.]
Piett and Herve: Bounty hunters?!?
Alan Alda: You have a keen eye.
Bounty hunter Captain Rexxx: Actually, it's because we look super shady and shifty.
Herve: Shady and shifty. Totally. You pull it off well.
Captain Rexxx: Thanks.
Piett: Wait, "bounty hunter captain?" Bounty hunters normally exist and operate on their own.
Captain Rexxx: Eh, we're an odd bunch. And in a way, being organized and having health benefits that we all chip in and pay for makes us even shadier and shiftier .
Piett: Not really, but I like your tactics and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Captain Rexxx: My band of sexy basterds doesn't have a newsletter. [gets wistful] Yet.
Herve: Ooh, "sexy." Can't wait to see this. [to Piett] Wait, aren't you the man who once said of bounty hunters "we don't need their scum."
Piett: It was just that group. What with their sly voices and bandaged faces and reptilian toe jam.
Captain Rexxx: Hey now, don't be dissing my companions here.
[Bossk, Dengar, 4-LOM, Zuckuss and IG-88 - the bounty hunters from Empire Strikes Back - enter.]
Piett: Oh SHIT.
Herve: Now how is THIS sexy?!?
Bossk: Until you've seen what our women look like, shut up.
Herve: Well my junk was hoping for actual sexy lady bounty hunters. Now I just have to go punch it and cry in a corner.
Dengar: That guy seems seriously messed up. And I wear bandages all over my face for no discernable reason.
[Suddenly a new group of character emerge into sight. All look up as a group of cloaked women descend into the main assembly area. They appear to be a group of nuns.]
Herve: Oh man, their names had better be something besides--
Kim Jong Bil: And lo, the Flying Nuns have arrived.
[Herve hangs his head in shame, as 2 of the women approach Kim Jong Bil and Alan Alda.]
Piett: Don't worry, at least their names should be more original than what I suspect they will b--
Kim Jong Bil: Welcome, esteemed ladies.
Mother Father: Peace be with you, Kim Jong Bil.
Sister Brother: And peace be with your clan of allies.
Herve: We should kill them just out of principle.
Piett: Yes. We should.
[Suddenly, a clown car drives into the room, and out emerge several suit-clad lawyers.]
Herve [sternly, and without humour]: What is this.
Alan Alda: Ah, good, The Legal Baffoons have arrived, to even further ensure the legality of the Contract of Laird's execution.
[One of the lawyers emerges on a unicycle, juggling cans of tuna fish. Herve angrily kicks the unicycle out from under him.]
Piett: That was uncalled for.
Herve: Sorry. I thought it was Ponte.
[Even more ridiculous characters enter the palace in an assortment of manners, much to Piett and Herve's disgust and intrigue. A group of dinocroc commandos. A group of Cylons painted bright blue...]
Herve: C...Cyanlons?
Piett: Clever stretch.
[...a group of Native Americans, a few Nazi officers, several men carrying and animating very generic knock-off muppets, a few Klansmen...]
Herve: Geez, enough with the Nazis.
Piett: You know, for a world ravaged by nuclear destruction, there seem to be a lot of survivors who lived through it relatively unscathed.
[Suddenly a flying pirate ship, and several occupants propel down to the ground.]
Mandrakk: Ahoy, me mateys! We be the representatives of the space-farin' Society of Maraudin' Pirate TVs!
Pirates: ARRR!
Piett: AHHHHH!!!!AHHHHHH!!!!AHHHHH!!!!AHHHHH!!!!!!!! [runs away screaming]
[Pause]
Herve: Uh. We've apparently had bad encounters with your kind before. Just as long as you're not vampires, we're--
Mandrakk: Holy geez! Vampirism explains why we drink blood, it does!
Herve: And now I run away too. [runs away too]
Alan Alda: Yeesh, for the representatives of the Continuum, you'd think they'd be used to these kinds of assemblies.
Sister Brother: You can't blame them for being so vanilla.
Mandrakk: Ay, but we are an especially motley crew, we are.
Pirates: ARRR!
Mandrakk: I said "are," not "ARRR!", ya bildrats!
[In another room, Herves enters and finds Piett hiding behind a couch.]
Piett: Are they gone?!
Herve: What's wrong with you? You see old bounty hunters you were racist toward, and pirate TV's from a rewritten time, and suddenly freak out?! You've seen and done and lived through way worse, man.
Piett: They opened up something deep and dark inside me last time, man. Like, emotions and stuff Walsh can't write very well.
Herve: He can't write anything very well, so why would [stops mid-sentence, horrified because his penis has suddenly been uncreated] Oh great, he just took away my penis. COME ON! IT'S ALL I'VE REALLY GOT, MAN!! [long awkward uncomfortable that's-what-he-gets pause] Oh thank goodness, it's back again. So what's really up with you?
Piett [emerges from behind the couch]: Herv, has it....has it occured to you that this story has no point?
Herve: Congratulations on finally catching up with the last 10 years.
Piett: No, I mean.....this particular story. What's the plot? I can't sense a plot here whatsoever.
[Pause]
Herve: We just kill everyone?
Piett: But why?
Heve: Because it's fun?
Piett: Well, yes, but what after that? How does this world rebuild itself? How is chaos ushered out to make way for order? What's the conflict? The overwhelming sense of significance of any of this?! We're just cascading into.......into......
[Herve's eyes widen.]
Herve: Into oblivion. Whoa, dude....do you think THAT'S the point.
Piett: If it is, I'm impressed that it took this long to finally pit us against this concept.
Herve: Who....who would do something like this?
Piett: Who else?
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
In his home, Michael Ponte - the probable perputrator of this pointlessness, no doubt - is playing his Wii or Guitar Hero or whatever he does with his time off these days. When suddenly.....
Michael Ponte: OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL!!!!! GET OUT OF HERE I HAVE NO PANTS ON AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Michael Ponte: AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh....oh God! I just saw his penis.
And it has ARMS.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[Meanwhile, somewhere else beyond.......that monstrosity.......Herve and Piett sit silent. But instead of surrounded by the absurdity of Earth-Topanga and its populace, they are surrounded by darkness, locked in place and with intricate equipment connected to their mortal forms. They sit lifeless, with energy coursing to, from and through their bodies, as 2 figures - their captors - stand over them.]
Chronos: How delicious. Their imaginations are as fulfilling as all the realities we've destroyed and absorbed for their cosmic life energies. Who knew their adventures created so much potential....and so much nourishment for our stale forms.
Cosmos: It cannot last much longer. Piett and Herve will be drained....and what then?
Chronos: I've prepared for that inevitability. Even before their bodies die out.
Cosmos: How so?
Chronos: Please. I fully expect them to remember they have cosmic awareness any moment now, and they'll break free. We wouldn't have relied on them ao much if they were any less useful and clever.
Cosmos: And then?
Chronos: Then we'll destroy them ourselves.
Cosmos: But our powers, why waste them when--
Chronos: Again, I planned for this. Our......friends here will do the work for us. We will consume all the energy they create in this, Piett and Herve's final conflict, and when they're defeated we will absorb the quantum duo once and for all.
[Chronos turns to an associate nearby, slightly masked by the darkness around them. He steps forward as Chronos speaks.]
Chronos: If they do come out, they're all yours. You and your newly collected League. Finish them....[grins].....and make it painful. It tastes so much better when it's painful.
HG Wells the Inside Out Man: As you wish.
*to be continued*
Saturday, September 19, 2009
The Armageddon Spectacular, Book 1: Robot Monkey Zombies!
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