Kim Jong Bil: What--where did those giant words come from?!? OPEN FIRE!!!!
[The robot monkey zombie battalion immediately shove their hands in their asses and start throwing undead and possibly robotic-as-well crap at the giant words of introductory narration.]
[The large and annoying words fade away and take the robot monkey zombies' shit with it, as the entourage of vehicles moves onward. Kim Jong Bil, the robot monkey zombie leader of North Korea, sits back down as his 1992 Yugo Cabrio presses onward. Herve and Piett, sitting in the back seat, try to ignore these latest developments onward.]
Piett: Ok, I'll bite. Why doesn't it stink like shit when you do that?
Kim Jong Bil: Somehow being dead and full of crap cancel each other out.
Herve: That makes no sense.
Kim Jong Bil: I'm a robot monkey zombie. What part of THAT makes sense??
Herve: Ok, that makes sense. [pause] I think?
[The fleet of 1992 Yugo Cabrios speeds through the terrain of North Korea and toward the capital city. Herve and Piett look up as a giant sign welcomes them to Pongyang, North Korea.]
Piett: I swear that's spelled differently than what it should be...
Kim Jong Bil: It was. But we could never get it right, so we opted to change it. Sadly, those South Koreans didn't agree and it led to a great war that divided our country forever.
Piett: Which of course led to global annihilation.
Kim Jong Bil: Of course.
Piett: Yikes.
[The cars travel through the city before stopping at a grand palace - presumably, the palace of Kim Jong Bil. They all exit and make their way up the steps and through the main gates. Within is contained the upper echelon of the North Korean Empire....picking gnats and worms and metal filings off each others robot monkey zombie backs. Also standing there is famed TV actor Alan Alda.]
Alan Alda: Hi, how are ya?
Piett: Alan Alda?! In Korea?! [pause] Heh, that seems so familiar.
Alan Alda: I did a show once that took place in Vietnam. That's as familiar as you can get.
Piett: Ah.
Alan Alda: You must be the representatives of the Space Time Continuum. [shakes Piett and Herve's hands]
Herve: Indeed we are. You know these guys tried to kill us because they thought we were with the League of Evil Ninjas.
Alan Alda: Kill, or hurl a load of shit at you?
Herve: Both. Actually.....there may've been more of the poo lobbing now that I think of it.
Alan Alda: Yeah, they did that to me too.
Kim Jong Bil: Again, we're small brained primates. Don't know any better.
Alan Alda: Which is why the world has been left in our charge.
Piett: Your charge??
Alan Alda: I am the grand super emissary of the League of Evil Ninjas!
Herve: Well, that would explain why Alan Alda was standing here.
Piett: Wait....[thinks for a moment]....LEN? You acronymed yourselves after 1980's Celtics recruit Len Bias: deceased?
Herve: Sweet obscure reference, dude.
Piett: Thanks. Although my cosmic awareness tells me it's not the first time someone's done that...
Alan Alda: Um, right. As sworn emissary of the League, I've come to ensure the terms of the Contract of Lairds are being upheld, for this is a most holy occassion. And now, because I lack thwe ability to come up with a segue, these are my colleagues.
[A group of shady and shifty individuals appear in Alan Alda's company. Without even knowing who they are, Piett and Herve loudly react.]
Piett and Herve: Bounty hunters?!?
Alan Alda: You have a keen eye.
Bounty hunter Captain Rexxx: Actually, it's because we look super shady and shifty.
Herve: Shady and shifty. Totally. You pull it off well.
Captain Rexxx: Thanks.
Piett: Wait, "bounty hunter captain?" Bounty hunters normally exist and operate on their own.
Captain Rexxx: Eh, we're an odd bunch. And in a way, being organized and having health benefits that we all chip in and pay for makes us even shadier and shiftier .
Piett: Not really, but I like your tactics and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Captain Rexxx: My band of sexy basterds doesn't have a newsletter. [gets wistful] Yet.
Herve: Ooh, "sexy." Can't wait to see this. [to Piett] Wait, aren't you the man who once said of bounty hunters "we don't need their scum."
Piett: It was just that group. What with their sly voices and bandaged faces and reptilian toe jam.
Captain Rexxx: Hey now, don't be dissing my companions here.
[Bossk, Dengar, 4-LOM, Zuckuss and IG-88 - the bounty hunters from Empire Strikes Back - enter.]
Piett: Oh SHIT.
Herve: Now how is THIS sexy?!?
Bossk: Until you've seen what our women look like, shut up.
Herve: Well my junk was hoping for actual sexy lady bounty hunters. Now I just have to go punch it and cry in a corner.
Dengar: That guy seems seriously messed up. And I wear bandages all over my face for no discernable reason.
[Suddenly a new group of character emerge into sight. All look up as a group of cloaked women descend into the main assembly area. They appear to be a group of nuns.]
Herve: Oh man, their names had better be something besides--
Kim Jong Bil: And lo, the Flying Nuns have arrived.
[Herve hangs his head in shame, as 2 of the women approach Kim Jong Bil and Alan Alda.]
Piett: Don't worry, at least their names should be more original than what I suspect they will b--
Kim Jong Bil: Welcome, esteemed ladies.
Mother Father: Peace be with you, Kim Jong Bil.
Sister Brother: And peace be with your clan of allies.
Herve: We should kill them just out of principle.
Piett: Yes. We should.
[Suddenly, a clown car drives into the room, and out emerge several suit-clad lawyers.]
Herve [sternly, and without humour]: What is this.
Alan Alda: Ah, good, The Legal Baffoons have arrived, to even further ensure the legality of the Contract of Laird's execution.
[One of the lawyers emerges on a unicycle, juggling cans of tuna fish. Herve angrily kicks the unicycle out from under him.]
Piett: That was uncalled for.
Herve: Sorry. I thought it was Ponte.
[Even more ridiculous characters enter the palace in an assortment of manners, much to Piett and Herve's disgust and intrigue. A group of dinocroc commandos. A group of Cylons painted bright blue...]
Herve: C...Cyanlons?
Piett: Clever stretch.
[...a group of Native Americans, a few Nazi officers, several men carrying and animating very generic knock-off muppets, a few Klansmen...]
Herve: Geez, enough with the Nazis.
Piett: You know, for a world ravaged by nuclear destruction, there seem to be a lot of survivors who lived through it relatively unscathed.
[Suddenly a flying pirate ship, and several occupants propel down to the ground.]
Mandrakk: Ahoy, me mateys! We be the representatives of the space-farin' Society of Maraudin' Pirate TVs!
Pirates: ARRR!
Piett: AHHHHH!!!!AHHHHHH!!!!AHHHHH!!!!AHHHHH!!!!!!!! [runs away screaming]
[Pause]
Herve: Uh. We've apparently had bad encounters with your kind before. Just as long as you're not vampires, we're--
Mandrakk: Holy geez! Vampirism explains why we drink blood, it does!
Herve: And now I run away too. [runs away too]
Alan Alda: Yeesh, for the representatives of the Continuum, you'd think they'd be used to these kinds of assemblies.
Sister Brother: You can't blame them for being so vanilla.
Mandrakk: Ay, but we are an especially motley crew, we are.
Pirates: ARRR!
Mandrakk: I said "are," not "ARRR!", ya bildrats!
[In another room, Herves enters and finds Piett hiding behind a couch.]
Piett: Are they gone?!
Herve: What's wrong with you? You see old bounty hunters you were racist toward, and pirate TV's from a rewritten time, and suddenly freak out?! You've seen and done and lived through way worse, man.
Piett: They opened up something deep and dark inside me last time, man. Like, emotions and stuff Walsh can't write very well.
Herve: He can't write anything very well, so why would [stops mid-sentence, horrified because his penis has suddenly been uncreated] Oh great, he just took away my penis. COME ON! IT'S ALL I'VE REALLY GOT, MAN!! [long awkward uncomfortable that's-what-he-gets pause] Oh thank goodness, it's back again. So what's really up with you?
Piett [emerges from behind the couch]: Herv, has it....has it occured to you that this story has no point?
Herve: Congratulations on finally catching up with the last 10 years.
Piett: No, I mean.....this particular story. What's the plot? I can't sense a plot here whatsoever.
[Pause]
Herve: We just kill everyone?
Piett: But why?
Heve: Because it's fun?
Piett: Well, yes, but what after that? How does this world rebuild itself? How is chaos ushered out to make way for order? What's the conflict? The overwhelming sense of significance of any of this?! We're just cascading into.......into......
[Herve's eyes widen.]
Herve: Into oblivion. Whoa, dude....do you think THAT'S the point.
Piett: If it is, I'm impressed that it took this long to finally pit us against this concept.
Herve: Who....who would do something like this?
Piett: Who else?
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
In his home, Michael Ponte - the probable perputrator of this pointlessness, no doubt - is playing his Wii or Guitar Hero or whatever he does with his time off these days. When suddenly.....
Michael Ponte: OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL!!!!! GET OUT OF HERE I HAVE NO PANTS ON AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Michael Ponte: AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh....oh God! I just saw his penis.
And it has ARMS.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[Meanwhile, somewhere else beyond.......that monstrosity.......Herve and Piett sit silent. But instead of surrounded by the absurdity of Earth-Topanga and its populace, they are surrounded by darkness, locked in place and with intricate equipment connected to their mortal forms. They sit lifeless, with energy coursing to, from and through their bodies, as 2 figures - their captors - stand over them.]
Chronos: How delicious. Their imaginations are as fulfilling as all the realities we've destroyed and absorbed for their cosmic life energies. Who knew their adventures created so much potential....and so much nourishment for our stale forms.
Cosmos: It cannot last much longer. Piett and Herve will be drained....and what then?
Chronos: I've prepared for that inevitability. Even before their bodies die out.
Cosmos: How so?
Chronos: Please. I fully expect them to remember they have cosmic awareness any moment now, and they'll break free. We wouldn't have relied on them ao much if they were any less useful and clever.
Cosmos: And then?
Chronos: Then we'll destroy them ourselves.
Cosmos: But our powers, why waste them when--
Chronos: Again, I planned for this. Our......friends here will do the work for us. We will consume all the energy they create in this, Piett and Herve's final conflict, and when they're defeated we will absorb the quantum duo once and for all.
[Chronos turns to an associate nearby, slightly masked by the darkness around them. He steps forward as Chronos speaks.]
Chronos: If they do come out, they're all yours. You and your newly collected League. Finish them....[grins].....and make it painful. It tastes so much better when it's painful.
HG Wells the Inside Out Man: As you wish.
*to be continued*
Nice post - Alan Alda ..Keep Posting
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