Previously, on Quantum Piett!
=INSERT VERY INSANE THINGS HERE=
Piett: Well, that was succinct.
Herve: Incredibly so.
And now, Part 3 of this Incredible Amazing Spectacular Astonishing story that looks more important in name than it really probably will end up being!
Piett: Good to know we make it through the end.
Herve: Hopefully.
Piett: What's that mean?!
Herve: Since you introduced this vibe that something strange and insidiously pointless is going on, I have this nagging feeling that things may not end up ok at all.
Piett: Well, that puts a damper on all the redonkulousness. And here I was about to accept this pirate TV and Alan Alda and space ninja crap.
Herve: And robot zombie monkeys.
Piett: And the shit hurlers, yes.
Herve: So if something's going on..........how do we reveal it and get rid of this aura of pointlessness?
[Pause]
Piett: Let's kill the bounty hunters!
Herve: Oh, here we go on your "bounty hunters are scum" trip again.
Piett: Come on, no one'll miss them. They look like hobos!
Herve: But they're easily the most famous people here, though. More famous than Alan Alda. Do you really want to get rid of the only star power this story has?
Piett: It'd stand out and make things less pointless.
[Pause]
Herve: Alright, let's go kill bounty hunters.
[Piett and Herve leave this side room and return to the main assembly area, populated by robot monkey zombies, flying nuns, bounty hunters, Alan Alda, lawyer clowns, pirate TV's, dinocroc commandos, cyan-colored Cylons, Native Americans, cheap-ass muppets, Nazis, Nazis and even more Nazis.]
Piett: Ugh. This is so stupid.
Herve: So how are we playing this out?
Piett: I have a plan or two.
Herve: Plan 1 involves killing bounty hunters.
Piett: I've rethought that part and decided against it.
Herve: In like 10 seconds? Jesus! [pause] Ok, then, can we kill the pirate TV's?
Piett [shudders]: No, no, bear with me. We don't kill anyone.
Herve: Well then, kill me because I can't do this anymore.
Piett: No, dude. It just came to me. I have cosmic awareness.
Herve: Yes.
Piett: So I can use it......to get out of here.
Herve: Yes.
[Pause]
Herve: Wait, that's it? That's the plan you concocted over those earth-shattering 10 seconds??
Piett: Yes.
Herve: AND THIS JUST CAME TO YOU NOW?!?!?!
Piett: To be fair, you didn't think of it before now either.
Herve: SON OF A BITCH! You could've spared us more dead monkey robo-shit than we ever needed to see in our lives!!
Piett: At least it didn't smell.
Herve: I think we were just immediately numbed to it, honestly. But COME ON! You could've just twinkled your toes and wiggled your nose and we'd be out of this nightmare of aimlessness?!?
Piett: It was just part of the plan. Sorta.
Herve: Oh sure, retcon your logic and pretend this was always part of an ingenious master plan. Just get on with it.
Piett: Right.
[Pause, as even more ridiculous characters enter the palace.]
Herve: Oh my God, even MORE Nazis?! GET US OUT OF HERE!!!
[Piett nods........
.....and suddenly they are gone from that very silly Earth-Topanga world, and in a dark room sitting with tubes and stuff attached to their bodies. Piett wakes up suddenly.]
Piett: What the hell!!! Why are there always TUBES?!?
[Piett thrashes violently in his seat and manages to free himself from the chair's restraints. He looks to his side, as he gets up and pulls tubes out of his nose and ears, and sees Herve still sitting silently in his chair.]
Piett: Herve, wake up! [grabs his arms] Wake up!!!
He's not waking up, old friend.
Piett: What? Who?!
Who says I'm anywhere? Maybe I'm your inner monologue, come to life with a sooth loud speaking voice?
Piett: Um, no. My inner monologue sounds exactly like Hannah Harper.
R......really? The voice in your head sounds like a hot British porn actress?
Herve: Porn? What?What?Heh??What?
Piett: Thank you.
[Herve, now awake, also thrashes violently at the sound of something regarding porn.]
Oh what the hell!
Piett [helping Herve get free]: I tricked you, creepy PA system voice, because I knew that the only way to wake Herve up from an induced coma was to reference porn. It always works.
Herve: Coulda given me ginger ale, too. Though I'm not adverse to being reminded of hot British girls.
Piett: Shut up. Now reveal yourself, dastardly villain!
No.
Piett: Really. No?
No, I will not reveal myself. But I will reveal......THE LEAGUE OF EVIL NE'ER DO WELLS!!!!
[Pause]
Herve: L..............LOENDW?
Piett: That's a stupid acronym.
LEN! Its acroynm is LEN!
Herve: LEN? [pause] Wait, "LEN" again?! That can't be right.
League of Evil Ne'er Do Wells! Stand and reveal yourselves!
[Suddenly, a great number of people make their presence known in the darkness, as the panoramic window displaying the planet Earth appears and brightens the room to reveal quite a large crowd.]
Piett: Earth? Seriously??
Behold......HG Wells the Inside Out Man!
Piett and Herve: AHHHHH!!!!! [pukes]
Super Collider!
Piett and Herve: AHHHHH!!!!! [pukes again]
Seriously? You've seen him before.
Piett: Sorry, that was still from seeing HG Wells turned inside out.
Herve: Seriously, how the fuck did that happen?!
HG Wells: I've come to grips with it!
Shut up and let me continue! ....Ben Franklin Jr!
Piett: Wait, how is he evil?
Ben Franklin Jr: Dad was wrong.....about AMERICA!
Herve: Ooh, you bitch!
Warlock Hemlock!
Herve: Recurring character!
The Webmaster!
Piett: Recurring character!
Herve: Hey, wait! You were with us a few years back and then disappeared....and now you're evil?!
Webmaster: Not all character development is contained in these stories, assholes!
The Black Lantern!
Piett & Herve: AHHHH!!!! [no pukes this time]
Piett: Oh no, not the driving force behind the 2009-2010 DC Comics event spectacular!
Herve: An undead and invincible being driven by energies and forces beyond our ability to comprehend, but who will probably be defeated once and for all in an incredibly overexplained and oversimplified manner?!
Black Lantern: Uh.....no, I'm just a black guy with a fetish for lanterns.
Piett: Oh. Thank...goodness?
Elie Wiesel, the Nazi Hunter!
Herve: That's not so bad. He was a good man who hunted down fugitive Nazis in real life.
Piett: Wait for it...
No, this Elie Wiesel IS a Nazi, because in his head sits HITLER'S BRAIN!!!
Herve: Hitler bad! BOO! [pauses, to himself] Wait a minute...
Joe Q. Public!
Piett: Quantum Piett's occassional narrator who represents our fictional vast fanbase?
Joe Q. Public: Yes, one and the same!
Herve: But why?
Joe Q. Public: These stories suck and have gone on far too long! So joining a league of evil doers who were out to kill you was the inevitable conclusion to my character....and to YOU!!!
The Apes of Wrath!
Apes of Wrath: We're hungry and are homeless in the American west! No wonder we're so angry!
Herve: A Grapes of Wrath joke?! Shit, Walsh is expanding his horizons.
The diabolical dino-sinner, Premarital Rex!
Premarital Rex: RAWR!
The Bromancer!
Bromancer: I make men love each other....for it is unnatural! SEE HOW I'M EVIILLLL!!!!
Piett [shakes his head]: Such social intolerance.
Herve: Yeah. In some places, he's probably a hero. [hangs head in shamey shame]
Lasertron, digital executioner from the 12th Realm!
Piett: Who?
Herve: We don't need to know all of them, I guess.
Edgar Allen Poe's evil half-twin brother: Paco Poe!
Herve: Wha?
The Man-Mammoth!
Man-Mammoth: I'm half man and half extinct mammoth and so I'm going to take my genetic angst out on YOU!
Herve: These are getting silly.
The Booger Man!
Booger Man: I'm like the Boogeyman but am instead obsessed with snots and phlegm!
Piett: Guh.
Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist!
The Human Parachute!
Lou Gehrig's Disease!
Nancy the Hot Witch!
Karl Rove!
William James Howard the 3rd!
Mel Simpson of Hollywood, Florida, and his evil wife Ruth!
[As the loud voice continues rattling out names and the figures jump to the forefront, Piett and Herve move aside......and apparently no ne'er-do-wells really notice...]
Piett: This villains list seems neverending.
Herve: Yeah. And now it's just people we've never heard of, or regular folks with a penchant for buggery. I think we might still be in that alternate reality.
Piett: No, we're totally not. This is really just stupid on its own.
Webmaster: You're telling me. I'm pretty sure half these people are just asylum inmates convinced they're normal yet evil people.
Piett: No, I'm not telling--hang on! Webmaster?!
Webmaster: Yeah, you just saw me in the lineup.
Herve: But you're evil.
Webmaster: Just a ruse to get me closer to the real evils here...Cosmos and Chronos! I've done my own investigating for years now and have learned the horrible truth of their nature. They're rewriting your pasts, my friends, and feeding on the universe around us! This whole ploy is just to create one gigantic battle that they can feed off of!
Herve [to himself]: You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition... [normal voice again] but that's great news to hear about! [pause] Dammit!
Piett: What Wiseass McDick here is saying is......well, he's an idiot, and I can't be bothered to decipher his ramblings most of the time.
Herve: The feeling is mutual.
Piett: So what, are you suggesting we.....not fight?!
Herve: AHA! This whole aside just proves you ARE evil!
Webmaster: Oh no, not at all! I'm suggesting we not only fight.....but we fight HARD!
[Herve chuckles like an idiot.]
Webmaster: If we make this battle even bigger and more energetic, if you will, perhaps it could overload them. So much insanity that it'll overhwelm and defeat them once and for all.
Piett: Intriguing... [ponders while Webmaster continues]
Webmaster: So I've alerted many of our old friends, and they've agreed to meet up with Gaynes and come here to help us!
Piett: Gaynes! Gah, I almost forgot about that plot point!
Webmaster: Yes, the giant living spaceship was a forgotten plot point. Right. [rolls his eyes]
Herve: But wait, we tried to recruit them and they all said no or hung up on us. How'd they listen to you?!
Webmaster: Let's just say that for some.....that internet bubble never burst.
Piett: Oh snap! You *bought* them?!
Webmaster: I call it a "modest stipend." Plus, they didn't say yes to you because you were both kinda dicks back in the day, while I wasn't.
Herve: You prick! A helpful prick, but still a prick.
Piett: And a genius prick! [to self] Ok, gonna stop saying that word now. Herve, this shit's about to hit the wall!
Herve: I know those tubes up your ass hurt, but just use a toilet.
Piett: There were no tubes up my ass.
[Shocked silence.]
Herve: Of course there weren't. Heh. Heh heh. [tears up a bit, fights it back]
Webmaster: We get it, Cosmos and Chronos shoved tubes up your unconscious ass and not Piett's. The man's trying to make a point!
Piett: Work with me, the both of you, I think I've got a solution.
Herve: What is it?
Piett: Not now, you'll spoil my dramatic reveal!
Herve: And by the way, how'd we even get here from the Executor II in the first place? Is anyone else wondering that?
Piett: Not the time for that, shut up! [they return to the babbling disembodied voice, who is wrapping up his roster sheet]
....and finally, comedian Greg Giraldo!
Greg Giraldo: Finally, a chance to shine somewhere else besides on Comedy CentraaAHHH!!!!
[Herve leaps into the air and rips Giraldo's throat right out with his jaws of death. The comedian dies, much like most of his stand up act, as Herve wipes his face clean and returns to Piett's side.]
Whoa! You did NOT just do that! Do you know the kind of world of hurt you just brought onto yourself!
Herve: We can guess at it, yes.
And you, Webmaster?! You're with them now?!
Webmaster: I am, for I know the breadth of your tactics.....AND your true intent!
HG Wells: You defected just like that?! Not in the midst of battle, but in a cheap aside?! I'll kill you personally for that!
Oh, this delicious pain will be most enjoyed, Quantum Piett!
Piett: Yeah?
[Suddenly the panoramic window is blasted open, as in the distance the Super Star Destroyer Executor II floats closer to the space station. Several ne'er-do-wells, whose names were not stated for the reading masses to catch because they were always intended to be cannon fodder anyway, are sucked out into the empty and cold void of space before energy shields seal the room shut. At the same time, several people emerge from teleportation into the room. A cavalcade of quantum allies: Jim Ferr, Ashley Ferr and her sisters, Booster Rocket, Jungle Girl, EV9D9 and 8D8, Graham and apparently....Jesus Christ: the Son of God.]
Piett and Herve: JESUS!!
Jesus Christ: the Son of God: Yeah, no one else wanted to represent Heaven. But I have SO little to do anyway, and this is easily the funnest thing I've done in like forever, so why not?
Herve [sizing up their group]: Seems like a lackluster crowd.
Piett: Oh.........is it?
Herve: Ooh, is this the dramatic reveal?
Piett: It TOTALLY is.
[Suddenly Piett closes his eyes.....and for the effect, he twinkles his toes and wiggles his nose, and an even larger crowd of people emerge from nowhere. Soon the quantum crowd is joined by robot zombie monkeys, pirate TV's, dinocroc commandos, Captain Rexxx and his bounty hunters, crappy muppets, the Flying Nuns and Legal Baffoons, Cyanlons, too many Nazis to count, and Alan Alda.]
Alan Alda: Ah, good, you've returned so we can resume the WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS INSANITY?!?!???
Piett: My colleagues! This League of Ne'er Do Wells are here to intervene violently with the signing of the Contract of Lairds! They mean to overthrow the League of Evil Ninjas!
Herve: And steal your acronym for themselves too, Alan Alda!
Alan Alda: Well I never.....comrades, TO ARMS!!!
Kim Jong Bil: Throw our shit at them!!!
Flying Nuns: FUCK YEAH!!!
Booster Rocket [to Jungle Girl]: Seriously, we could've done without the money and just stayed at home.
NO!!!
Piett: Yes. That's right, Chronos.............bring it.
*to be continued*
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