The Armageddon Spectacular: Intermission

I have travelled the lanes of the information superhighway for some time. Months, years....the concept of time has left me, so I cannot say how long this journey has taken...

But along the way, it ceased to be a mere pathway of digital information and became.....something more.

Soon I was traversing whole universes, both real and unreal.

All for a girl.

She died, some time ago. I was heart broken, my soul crushed and my spirit seems to abandon me.

But in my travels, I found a place where I.....believed I had found a way to revive her. Its people were strange and secluded. But their seclusion had made them....more powerful than the normal mortal man.

At first I thought I'd found some nirvana outside the influence of space and time, where no one or thing aged. But soon I discovered the true source of their immortal nature...

A book of wishes.

What luck! An actual tool, capable of fulfilling my most desired of dreams. To hold her in my arms again...

But it was not to be. It was a falsehood....both the book, and my love. Though my affection was strong, it was not enough to evoke the powers of the book. I was robbed of her yet again.

The high priests of the people, though sympathetic to me, said the powers within the book were latent, and could only be used at a moment of complete desperation. Like them, who used the powers amidst the horrors of an ancient war to save themselves and thus live forever, only a moment of complete desperation would allow the powers be unleashed and for my one true wish to come true.

They said because of my own abilities, I had encapsulated this power, even without possession of the book, but I knew not how or even when to truly use it.

So I abandoned them, their nirvana no longer desireous to me, and seek out that fleeting moment of desperation in order to have my one true wish come true.

But I fear that moment will be my death. What a horrid joke: to be robbed of my own life and revive her own, only to lose her yet again. Yet again...

I almost expect it to be true...

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[In an unknown place, devoid of much life and even appearing just askew from the normal color spectrum one would imagine is eternal to most living humanoids, several figures sit at a small quaint home. 2 of them sit in chairs on the front patio, sipping tea, while a third stomps around the front yard in a frustrated nature. One of the 2 seated itches himself, until he stops and tries to calm himself.]

HG Wells: As God as my witness, this latex suit is incredibly uncomfortable. And why does it have to be see-through??

Bromancer: They told you not to scratch at it. You'll just infect yourself and make things worse.

Man-Mammoth: Better to be inside out than as a bloody mutated mammoth!

Bromancer: And you calm yourself as well, my friend. Your frustrated nature is not doing your spirits any good.

Man-Mammoth: That loosey-goosey talk may work on other people, you ponce, but not on me!

HG Wells [to himself]: A giant mammoth man calling someone a ponce. Wonders *will* never cease... [sips his tea]

Bromancer: If it wasn't for you and your human parachute pal talking it up earlier, I'd naturally assume you were just foul-spirited around all living things.

Man-Mammoth: He's a kindred spirit. We're both of mutantkind and have a lot in common. [scratches the back of his head] It's refreshing, all things considered.

Bromancer: Now who sounds all loosey goosey?

Man-Mammoth: You try being forcibly mutated against your will and keep a pleasant attitude.

Bromancer: I was, in a manner of speaking. [sips his tea] I wasn't always like this.

Man-Mammoth: You mean gay?

Bromancer: Yes. I used to be quite straight.

HG Wells [not buying it]: Really.

Bromancer: It was when my rather wonderful life came to a screeching halt, around the age of 16, when I was abducted by a group of devilish witches. They seduced me into their coven and then performed dark arcane magicks on me. The only reason I didn't fight back was because I thought it would lead to hot sex.

Man-Mammoth: Sex. Great, there's something else I miss. [grumbles and stomps around some more]

HG Wells: So no hot wiccan sex with the presumably busty nubile ladies, then?

Bromancer: No.....it was sex with men! They gathered a bunch of their captives together and had us screw to the death to determine which of our supple manly forms would be the vessel of their powers. When I finally came out on top [HG Wells doubles over], they then abandoned their mortal forms and transcended to wherever wiccans go when they die, and in a fabulous display all their magicks passed on to me. Now I walk the world forcing men with my dark magicks to unnaturally fall in love and have sex with each other. [sips his tea] It's a lot more complex and meaningful than that, but I find that's the funniest way to describe myself. You should see the looks I get.

HG Wells: Because you look like a ponce.

Man-Mammoth [some distance away, still stomping]: Thank you!

Bromancer: I look stunning, damn you. And trust me, you're not one to talk at all, Mr. Inside Out Man.

HG Wells: One of these days I'll get an explanation for this from the masters. But until then, I serve their dark purpose.

Bromancer: To sit on this stoop and sip tea, because that's all you've done while we others have gone out to recruit new members of the masters' enclave of villainy.

[A familiar breeze washes over the threesome and they stop and turn, and suddenly the portal of the Super Collider erupts before them. Several characters emerge as one in particular presses forward and, as his fist bumps the Man-Mammoth, addresses HG Wells directly.]

Human Parachute: What ho, friendly foes! I have acquired more comrades to aid us in the masters' master plan.

[Several characters - some bizarre in appearance, others quite normal indeed - walk past, as Wells and the Man-Mammoth direct them into .]

Nancy the Hot Witch: Well hello there.

Bromancer: Keep walking, witch, I have issues with your kind.

Nancy the Hot Witch: Oh, you mean busty nubile ladies?

[HG Wells shoots Man-Mammoth a shocked look at their shared dialogue. But because Wells' inside out face looks really really sick when he makes that look, Man-Mammoth gags and has to excuse himself so as not to vomit everywhere. The Bromancer sighs as the witch smirks and walks away to join the others.]

Human Parachute: I also found this one here amidst my travels.

[2 of his associates - the Warlock Hemlock and Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist - carry a nearly unconscious man forward, and they place him on the ground. HG Wells walks to him and is overwhelmed by his identity, then checks on his vitals.]

Warlock Hemlock: We checked that already.

Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist: Yes.........he has wrists and a neck.

[Almost everyone facepalms in response to the doctor's very lame line, and Warlock Hemlock leads him away as he tries to pass off his stupidity as a mere joke.]

Bromancer: I take it you know him.

HG Wells: Yes. [the man comes to and Wells tries to revive him further] Webmaster? Is that you??

Webmaster: N.....my.....what? Where am.....

[Suddenly he projectile vomits right into HG Wells' face.]

Bromancer: Oh geez, he's horribly ill. Quick, let's...

HG Wells [eyes closed, somewhat angered]: Wait for it.

Webmaster: Wells?!? What the fuck happened to your face?!?!?!

Bromancer: Oh. It's because of the inside out thing. Gotcha.

Man-Mammoth: You're a bright one, you are.

Bromancer: Skewer me, sunshine.

Man-Mammoth: You know I have these tusks, right?

Bromancer: You heard me.

[Man-Mammoth, skeeved out, walks away and resumes cvonversing with the Human Parachute, as Wells wipes his face and the Webaster comes to his feet.]

Webmaster: Wow, I am SO sorry about that, Wells.

HG Wells: Quite alright, you certainly aren't the first and won't be the last. Although I think a chunk may've gotten into my.....never mind. So, how is it our paths cross again?

Webmaster: An aimless journey, my friend. It started with the quest for a miracle....and now has led me here.

HG Wells: I see. Well, you're amongst compatriots now. And what luck, in the middle of a recruitment drive.

Webmaster: Oh no, not...

HG Wells: No, no...it's not them. But it's someone...or rather, someones...similar...

[HG Wells places his arm on the Webmaster's shoulder and, with the Bromancer, leads the newest arrival into the small quaint home. There, in the living room area, the others are entranced by 2 beings on a vast video monitor.]

HG Wells: Our other friends here are being reconditioned and programmed, but you already know the deal. You know of the plight of....Cosmos and Chronos! Masters of Space and Time!

Bromancer: Respectively.

HG Wells: Stop. DOING. THAT.

Webmaster: Their plight?

HG Wells: Indeed. Allow the veils of untruth be moved aside and the true nature of their purpose be revealed to youre mind...

[Pause]

Webmaster: Wait, you said I didn't need to be conditioned or programmed.

HG Wells: I lied. [pause] Because I'm evil now. And soon.....so will you....

Oh, what luck. My quest for that fleeting moment...has led me here.

I think it's slowly coming upon me now...

Soon, my love........soon......







Bromancer: Really? I make a coming on reference and almost get lambasted for it, but he gets nothing?!

Man-Mammoth: If I could fit through this door, I would just smash you!

HG Wells: God, I really hope I don't live through whatever this ends up being. Please?