[The Space/Time Continuum. Saturday morning. Christmas. Herve and Piett are sitting on a couch, watching A Christmas Story and enjoying themselves, despite being absolute lazy bores this Christmas morning. Piett, with remote control in hand, sits up and wonders, as Herve watches on while twirling a long wintery scarf with his mittened hands.]
Herve: What?
Piett: .......should we have put a tree up?
Herve: Nah. Too much work. It's stored....[flails his arm in a random direction]....way over there somewhere.
Piett: Oh yeah.
[Piett slumps back down on the, munching on some pretzels and fiddling with something on his iPad.]
Herve: What are you doing?
Piett: I'm just writing.
Herve: That can't be good. You know what happens when Walsh writes. [points everywhere] THIS happens.
Piett: It's all for a good cause. Something cool, someday. Soon. [pause] Or later.
Herve: Is this another slight reference to how wonky the timeline seems, that we're not really supposed to say anything about or notice?
Piett: Yup.
Herve: Guh. Leave the thinking about that nonsense to Cosmos and Chronos.
Piett [snickers]: Good luck with that.
[When suddenly--
KABLAMMMOOOOOO!!!!
[Herve and Piett leap up, as the wall beside and behind them burst into flames and unrefundable construction material.]
Herve: Hilary Swank's ass, what the HELL!!!!!???!!?!
[They stumble and turn, as a sleigh drawn by several reindeer flies through the destroyed portion of the very nice space/time mansion and hovers in front of them.]
Piett: Oh shit, it's Santa!
Santa: And I'm pissed, you godless souls! You've been very naughty this year! VERY naughty indeed!
Piett: The hell?! We've only done, like, 5 stories this year! Granted, we killed a hot chick and Ewan McGregor and Walt Disney and tons of kids all throughout.....but come on!
Herve: And continuity doesn't even apply anymore, so you can't count the old stuff that we probably did or something! [pause] Oh wait, is that the naughty part? Is Santa really geeking out evil over ignoring continuity?
Santa: No, I'm talking about not putting up a Christmas tree!
Piett: That..........*just* happened, dude. How can you possibly say we've had a naughty year for something we forgot to do over the last few days?
Santa: Santa doesn't care! Santa is all powerful!
Herve: Ok, Evil Santa is a bit much, no offense. This is highly odd even for our standards.
Santa: You do not BELIEVE Santa can be so insane that he makes little sense?! That damns you even more!! Enough of this! [points] KILL THE UNBELIEVERS!!!
[Santa points his gloved hand toward the quantum duo, and several figures leap down from the sleigh. Frosty the Snowman, the Heatmiser, the Snowmiser, The 3 Wise Men, Mr. Freeze, Fred Claus, Burl Ives and Megan Fox dressed up like a slutty elf.]
Piett: Holy shit, random people who do and don't represent this particular holiday season!
Mr. Freeze: Ice to see you!
[Everyone groans. Even Megan Fox.]
Fred Claus: Didn't we agree you wouldn't do those annoying cold puns?
Burl Ives: That's right. And you wouldn't use the Schwarzenegger voice, either.
Mr. Freeze: I....he......[long pause, sighs].....snow problem.
[His teammates suddenly turn on him with great ferocity, and brutally beat and murder Mr. Freeze. herve and Piett are stunned by this opening act of aggression.]
Piett: Well that's encouraging. One down, several to go.
Herve: Not really. They're really killin' the shit out of him. I suspect the same will go for us.
Piett: Then let's DO THIS!
[Piett leaps forward, and Herve follows. Piett stabs Fred Claus in the back of the neck with the remote control for the TV, and it kills him dead. Herve headbutts Burl Ives in the dick, which causes him to fall to his knees and puke. But before he can, Herve shoves his mittens in Burl Ive's mouth and wraps his wool scarf around Burl's face. As his ties the scarf behind his head, Burl Ives can only choke on his own vomit and die horribly.]
The 3 Wise Men: JESUS CHRIST!
[Pause]
The 3 Wise Men: Oh yeah, THAT'S what we were doing before the fat man absconded us. Let's go!!
[The 3 Wise Men flee and escape the mansion.....where they fall off the edge of the floating mansion, and into the void of the Space/Time Continuum.]
[Don't worry, they end up in Nazareth.]
[....eventually.]
Herve: Aw man, I wanted to kill them for talking in unison like that.
Piett: We're being especially violent today.
Herve: This is what happens when you declare war on Christmas.
Piett: Is that a sociopolitical potshot?
Herve: No. We've seriously at war with Christmas right now. I just killed Burl Ives by forcing him to gag to death on his own throw-up.
[With the remaining cowering away from the quantum agents, they focus their attention on Megan Fox.]
Megan Fox: I don't do short guys.
Herve: Brian Austin Green says otherwise. AWWWWWWW SNAP, SON!!! YEAH!
[Herve starts dancing around like a geeky white guy.]
Piett: Oh no you didn't!
Herve: Aw yeah I did!
[Piett joins in on the geeky white guy dance.]
Megan Fox: Wait, but he's taller than me.
[Herve sighs. Piett takes out his ray gun and zaps Megan Fox into oblivion.]
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Michael Bay: Wait, did you feel that?..............that felt like justice......
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Herve: I'm coming around on this ray gun of yours. Very effective.
Piett: About time you--LOOK OUT!!!
Frosty the Snowman: RRARRRRRR!!!
[Frosty bounds toward the two heroes, and throws an object directly at Herve's face. Herve screams.....as the object stabs him in the face.]
Piett: HERV!!!
Herve: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
[He stops screaming, and throws the object away.]
Herve: You threw a CARROT at me! A FUCKING CARROT!!!
Piett: Uh, that's his nose.
Herve: YOU THREW YOUR NOSE AT ME!!!! You have a top hat that transmogrifies things into living form, yet you fight BY THROWING YOUR NOSE AT ME?!?!
Frosty the Snowman: I was not expecting this reaction whatsoever.
Piett: How can you say that? You threw your carrot nose.....ok, I think we've hammered that point home enough already. Hurry on your way to hell, you snowball asshole.
[Piett aims his ray gun and blasts it at Frosty. The top hat is incinerated, as is the rest of Frosty, who turns into a puddle of slush.]
Frosty: NggggGGGGAAAHHHHH!!!! [melts, dies]
Herve: Oh shit, that's a heat ray gun too?!
Piett: Apparently.
[Piett examines the gun, then aims it at Snowmeiser and shoots him too with the exact same results.]
Snowmeiser: NggggGGGGAAAHHHHH!!!! [also melts, also dies]
Herve: NICE!
Heatmeiser: You killed him! You killed my brother!
Piett: Yeah? And?
Herve: You didn't even like your brother, dude.
[Pause]
Heatmeiser: You're right. [looks around] To be honest, I don't even know why I was even here in the first place. Fuck Santa.
Piett: Wow.
Herve: Was it curiosity?
Heatmeiser: Maybe. Also because this isn't that god damn Rankin Bass special, and it's nice to show up alongside actual living humans for a change.
Piett: So?
[Pause]
Heatmeiser: So.....see ya, I guess?
Herve: God I hope not.
[Heatmeiser erupts into a fiery ball of smoke, and disappears back to.....Hell? Is that where he was from? I don't know.]
Herve: I feel a lot of things are going to waste here. No yellow snow jokes when Frosty the nose throwing dickbag was still alive, no stop-motion animated song and dance number...
Piett: Let's just keep killing.
[Herve looks around.]
Herve: We killed everybody. Huh.
Piett: Hey. We did. How 'bout that.
Santa: Not everyone!!
[Santa Claus leaps from his sleigh and lands on the ground in front of the two. He pulls a lightsaber from his belt and ignites it, then proceeds to do all sorts of Nick Gilliard-trained Prequel Jedi maneuvers. Piett and Herve are horrified that this might not actually be one of those moments when they can just shoot the guy doing all the fancy moves. Piett lifts his ray gun up, though, just for the hell of it.]
Piett: I'm totally gonna try.
Herve: I wouldn't.
[Piett goes to fire, but the lightsaber slashs the ray gun in two. Piett screams.]
Piett: OH MY GOD MY RAY GUN!
Herve [pointing in horror]: OH MY GOD YOUR HAND!
[Piett looks down and sees that his hand has also been lopped off.]
Piett [pointing at his stump with his other still-useful hand]: OH MY GOD MY HAND!!!
Santa: Enough of this naughtyness! Time to DIE!!!
[Santa swings his lightsaber toward Piett's neck, but he ducks and dodges. He joins Herve, and together the 2 flee screaming. Santa runs after them.]
*******
[This continues for, like, an hour and a half, all thoughout the entire very-nice Space/Time Continuum mansion. Piett and Herve finally re-enter the main room - Herve on, as he's short and can't run fast or for very long apparently. They go to collapse on the couch, but realize that it's covered in reindeer droppings, from the reindeer (and sleigh) still hovering in the air. Some minutes pass, and eventually Santa re-enters the main room too, panting and wheezing and struggling to find somewhere comfortable to collapse. Seeing that Piett and Herve have taken the comfy chairs alongside the shit-covered couch, Santa falls to one knee. He tries to talk and provide more exposition for the story, but he cannot, and he finally falls flat on his face. Some minutes pass.]
Herve: ....wait, is he dead?
Piett: He hasn't moved in a while.
Herve: Oh shit, did we just *run* Santa to death?
[Piett gets up and walks over. He goes to check for a pulse on Santa's neck, but instead grabs Santa by the neck and cruelly snaps it. Piett sits back down as Herve glares at what just happened.]
Piett: If he wasn't dead before, he's sure as fuck dead now.
Herve: Colin Farrell's ballbag, that was downright sinister.
[Piett looks up at the reindeer.]
Piett: You're free now.
Blitzen: We are?! Hot shit, boys, we're free!
All of the other reindeer: WOOO!!!
[The reindeer shrug off the ropes and bells linking them to the sleigh and fly off. The sleigh falls down and crushes the couch and all the fecal matter on it.]
Herve: How did you know the reindeer could talk?
Piett: I.....didn't. [pause] Well that's just odd.
Herve: We seem to be pointing out a lot of the insigificantly odd things that we normally wouldn't notice lately.
[Pause]
Piett: Hold on a tic.
[Piett takes a sharp object out of his pocket and jabs it into his cauterized hand stump.]
[....and suddenly Piett wakes up.]
Piett: Ahh!! AHH!! AHHHHH!!!!!
Herve: Oh holy shit HOLY SHIT!!!!!
[Piett and Herve, still on the couch, conclude their screaming.]
Piett: Well, of course. It was all a dream.
Herve: What the FUCK, dude?!?
Piett: Horrible dream. Killed Santa and, um, all of Christmas....or something? ....Frosty.....Ahnald.....nope, it's all slipping. [pause] And it's gone. Yeah. Just a bad dream about some Christmasy crap. Some killing, I think. Made much more sense when I was sleeping.
Herve: Sure it did.
Piett: But I shoulda known it was a dream.
Herve: Why's that?
Piett: Well, I got my hand cut off. That's not a story development for the holiday special. And the ray gun was destroyed.
Herve: How's that anything special?
Piett: Dude, I love this thing. [grabs the ] Never leave me.
Herve: Your head is seriously fucked up.
Piett: That may be, but so is my real life. And yours.
Herve: Can't argue that shit, son.
[The 2 grab their respective drinks and clink the glasses together. They resume watching TV.]
Voice on TV: Coming up next on TNT, it's more fucking Christmas Story. And later, it's Mandrakk the Dark Monitor.
Piett: Wait, what did that guy just say??
Mandrakk the Dark Monitor: I said, "And later, it's Mandrakk the Dark Monitor." BLEH!!
Herve: NO! NOO!!!! NOT THIS AGAIN!!!
Piett: Ahh!! AHH!! AHHHHH!!!!!
*....fin*
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Quantum Piett vs. Walt Disney
[December 15th, 1966. The place: Lake Buena Vista, Florida. The site of the future Walt Disney Resort.
At least, in our lifetime it is. In this one.......
A flash of light envelopes a clearing, and when the light dissipates there only remains Firmus Piett and Herve Villechaize, agents of the Space/Time Continuum. They brush off their clothes - as if to imply time travel gets one dusty or wrinkled - and are about to speak when they are overcome by shock and awe at what they see before them.
WELCOME TO THE WALT DISNEY RESORT.
HEAVEN ON EARTH.
PRAISE BE TO GOD.
[Pause]
Herve: .....oh fuckbags, he went back in time again and kidnapped Jesus, didn't he?!?!
Piett: How incredibly insightful of you, Herv. But not a problem. We just reactivate our devices and go back before he does, thereby stopping his--
[Piett clicks his belt buckle, but nothing happens. Some slight sensation near his crotch, perhaps, but no portal or time travel or any sort occurs. Piett taps it again, and again, and keeps doing so getting harder, until it damn near gets violent. Herve, understanding that there's a problem some tapping just cannot fix, tries to stop him, and they soon wrestling their hands in Piett's crotch area.]
Piett: It's not working! Not working!
Herve: Enough with this, Piett! Oy gevault!
[Suddenly someone appears nearby, and is aghast at what he sees and hears. He points and yells loudly.]
Man: Brothers, to arms! Homosexuals are afoot in the park!
[Piett and Herve turn around and freeze in place, with their hands still in that unfortunate place.]
Herve: Jehovah!!!
Man: And one of them's a JEW!!!
[The man, cloaked in white wearing Mickey Mouse ears and still pointing at them with a white Mickey Mouse gloved hand, is soon joined by others in white robes with Mickey ears and gloves.]
Piett: This would be adorably hilarious if it wasn't insane. And would you GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY JUNK!!! [brushes Herve's hands away]
Another man: Brother Ludwig was right!
Yet another man: Kill them for trespassing on our land!
Still yet another man: And for being gay Jews, right?
Yet another man: Facts are fuzzy, but yes, that too!
[The 4 men advance on the cosmic heroes, who quickly seperate and prepare to fight. Herve suddenly leaps forward and startles Piett but for a moment.]
Herve: NINJA KICK!
[Herve totally ninja kicks the first man.]
Piett: What the hell?
Herve: LETHAL EYE POKE!
[Herve spins around after his ninja kick and eye pokes the second man, pretty much gouging them right out of his head.]
Herve: GNAW ON THE THROAT!
[Herve leaps at the third and gnaws his larynx into a bloody mess.]
Piett: Since when do we call our actions out like that?
Herve: Hey come on, it's fun!
Piett: Uh, ok.
[Piett turns to his attacker, the fourth man.]
Piett: RAPE!!!
[The attacker stops in place and is overcome with fear. He grabs his private parts and runs away.]
Herve [kinda disgusted]: Dude, REALLY?
Piett: I wasn't gonna rape him. Just wanted to see what it'd do.
Herve: Yeah. He ran away.
Piett: Most do. Or at least try to.
Herve: He ran away TO GET HELP, PROBABLY!!
Piett: Oh. [pause] Yeah. The ones who run usually do, don't they?
Herve: Get AFTER HIM ALREADY!!!
[The 2 leap into action and run. They run past some planted trees, and soon come into a greater clearing, where they are now amongst many other people and are able to pinpoint their location in the park.]
Herve: It's a Small World?!? Oh God, I hate this ride!
[Suddenly the eyes of all around them affix onto them. Tourists, guards, a crowd of small international children, a few priests and nuns, and the fleeing man in white robes, who is now amongst others of his ilk.]
Man: There, my friends! They killed my brothers! These....these unbelievers!!
[The crowd seems concerned, but largely unimpressed.]
Man: And one of them is a JEW!!!
[The crowd suddenly becomes enraged, and charges the quantum duo.]
Piett: How harsh and offensive of him to assume that. How does he know our religion?
Herve: The time for logic is not now, Piett! LOOK!!
[Herve points at the small group of stereotypically dressed international children running at them. Mini-geishas, mini-mimes, kids with mini-sombreros.....all of them angrily charging. Herve seems to almost cower in fear.]
Herve: Dude, I gotta level with you. I've never been good in a fight with kids.
Piett: Wait, you can ninja kick and tear the throats out of normal sized men, but you have a problem with children and other little people?!
Herve: I always thanked Allah we never went to Endor or a Justin Beiber concert, because I woulda never come back! RUN!!!
[Piett takes out his ray gun and starts firing at the small crowd. A few kids are destroyed, but the rest still keep coming. The duo run away as children and adults, dressed normally and as Disney characters, alike pursue. They soon come across the local monorail station and bound up the steps, as a train rolls to a stop.]
Herve: Aw sweet, it's suited up as a Tronorail. Nice....
Piett: Shut up and get in!!!
[Piett jumps in as the doors open, but Herve does not.]
Piett: COME ON!!
Monorail voice: Please stand clear of the doors..........por favor mantengase alejado de las puertas.
[Herve calmly enters and the doors begin to close.]
Piett: REALLY?
Herve: Sorry. But I can't go without hearing it said in Spanish too.
Piett: But the voice is IN the train too!!
[As the doors close and their pursuers are cut off, someone behind them coughs.]
Piett: Oh lord, come on. Ever heard of personal space, m--
[He turns into the face of a man dressed as John Worthington Foulfellow from Pinocchio, who is flanked by as traincar full of tourists, cultist followers and even more Small Worlders (or just colorful foreign kids). Piett gulps, but Herve bypasses that and headbutts Foulfellow in the dick.]
John Worthington Foulfellow: {muffled groans and assorted swear words denoting pain of a great amount}
Herve: I never liked that guy.
[The other people in the car rise up and take both Piett and Herve down. Herve is overwhelmed by the international children, and Piett can only shoot and stomp a few people here and there before he is overcome by the remaining crowd of grown ups and guards and robed men. In a matter of minutes, a crowd of nearly 100 has overtaken the quantum agents.]
*******
....in this reality, my empire was built long before I was even born!
I didn't have to create dummy corporations to acquire the land from the state....the land and the state and the country it was in had been owned by my followers for centuries already!!
I actually LIVED to see this resort open and thriving!
And I LIVED to see my place among man rise above all others!
It is the single greatest achievement of power in the history of man!
Don't you understand?! My time travels achieved something no other man....LIVING GODHOOD!
And as a god.....I cannot die. Don't you see?
I CANNOT DIE!!!!
Dead men tell no tales.....
What?! Hey, stop that!
...this here's the wildest ride in the wilderness...!
This is MY bodyless monologue, you hillbilly bastard! Stop it!!
...por favor mantengase alejado de las puertas.
Oh come on, they already did that one!!
*******
[In another place (yet same time.....well, like, an hour later or something), Piett wakes up in a large room, which seems upside down. He tries to stand up, but is off-balanced, and as he realizes that he is walking in an upside down room, he notices that he is wearing....some very strange attire. He stumbles forward and reaches for the nearest object to lean on. At first, he sees a chandalier, but as he reaches for it the entire room seems to suddenly flip around (except for Piett) and his hand instead finds itself on a small wooden table. As his hand presses down, a small object on the table falls and rolls into his hand. He picks it up and inspects it: a small tube, with a handwritten note attached to its cap. Almost immediately, he drops it and the tube shatters on the ground. Piett looks around, calmly for a moment and then quite frantically as the seconds progress forward, until he eyes a mirror. Or, more accurately (and as a sign beneath it is labelled).....a looking glass. Piett gazes upon and is.....quite horrified by what he sees.]
Piett: It couldn't be the animated Mad Hatter, could it? It HAS to be the Johnny Depp one.
[Elsewhere in the room, Herve awakens.]
Herve: I'mlate!I'm late! AHH!! [confused pause] Wait, is the room upside dowNAAGGGHHHH!!!!
[Herve falls from the ceiling and lands flat on his face. Piett doesn't bat an eye as his friend, dressed as the White Rabbit, stands up and realizes the severity of the situation. Herve is horrified at his hackneed costume, while Piett ignores him and tries to deduce their location (though, now and again, he flicks one of Herve's fuzzy rabbit ears to his great annoyance).]
Herve: So we're stuck in a terrible live action Alice in Wonderland scenario. [pause] At least it's not Oliver and Company. I wouldn't wanna be licking my own asshole like a dog constantly. [pause] Because you know that's what I'd be doing if I could.
Piett: Naturally.
[Piett pokes around the room, looking for some sort of escape.]
Herve: Wait, I think there's a door. The story had a little door.
Piett: Herve, I act--
Herve [looks around]: Ah. There it is. I found it. Right there.
[Herve looks down while Piett bends down, and they see a small door. Piett sighs as Herve opens it and sighs as well.]
Herve: Shit. How do we get out?
Piett: As I was about to s--
Herve: Wait, in the movie there's a small veil of liquid on the table. Let's go back and--
[Some moments later, on the other side of the small door (which is now an animated world it seems). A scream eminates from beyond the door as Herve is pushed through, almost like Play Doh, until he is fully on the outside. He vomits immediately and gets up, turning back to yell at his cohort.]
Herve: PIETT!! Why the hell did you do--
[Beside him, a regular sized door opens and Piett walks calmly through.]
Piett: As I was trying to tell you, I found a regular door while you were going on about the little door. Moron.
Herve: Holy crap, Piett.
Piett: I know. *I* use my brain too.
Herve: No, Piett. [points at him] You're a fox!
Piett: What?
[Piett touches himself.]
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[She stops reading and daydreams a moment.]
Ashley: Mmmmmmmmmmm......
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Piett: Oh God, I AM a fox!! A fox with.....loin clothes on?!
Herve: Fuck me, you're a hairy Green Arrow!
Piett: No, you clod, I must be Robin Hood!
Herve: They Disney Robin Hood! Of course!
Piett: So much better than the Kevin Costner and Russell Crowe ones.
Herve: So who am I?
Piett: You're still a rabbit. Oh yeah, shoulda noticed you were wearing loin clothes and holding a
little bow and arrow now.
Herve: AwwwwWWWWWW, I'm that cute little rabbit who wants to be Robin Hood?!
Piett: Uh, yeah. That one. Kinda sad that someone would wanna be like Robin Hood, isn't it? A
homeless thief who contributes nothing to society except the belief that it must be degraded and
reconstructed all for the good of the poor and hopeless?
Herve: Enough of your rambling and senseless social commentary, Walsh, it's FIGHTIN' TIME!!!
Piett: My name isn't Walsh, it's--
Herve: FIGHTIN' TIME!!!
[Piett looks ahead and sees a gaggle of Disney characters rushing them. As Herve gets riled up, Piett has to stop and be the talky voice of non-action.]
Piett: Whoever came up with this plot clearly just wanted to work the Robin Hood thing in. And latch onto the popularity of that Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movie too, I guess. But in fact, segue is just the exact same thing we were doing before--
Herve: FIGHTIN' TIME!!!
[Herve ignores Piett's rambling and rushes to fight. He tackles the Sultan from Aladdin and tears out his larynx with his bunny rabbit teeth, then throws his turbin hat into the face of Gyro Gearloose. It envelops his head and he gags for breath and falls aside. Piett takes his bow and sends an arrow right into the animated head of that fat asshole Sir Ector from Sword in the Stone. He fires a few more shots, killing Sir Kay, Gepetto, Gaston and a few other (and let's face it, boring) human characters from various Disney films, then takes the bow and garrotes a revived Gyro Gearloose with its string, twisting his neck until he lives no more. He rejoins Herve, covered in blood (typical) and awaiting further foes.
Herve: I know of at least one person would find everything you're doing completely hot.
Piett: I know. This *is* hot.
Herve [glares up at Piett]: ....uh, yeah. I was talking about you.
Piett: Shit! It's the main event! LOOK!!
[From a door that suddenly appears out of nowhere, several figures walk through. Mickey Mouse holding a giant mallet, Goofy wearing what appear to be steampunk goggles, Donald Duck with a bloodied banjo, and Launchpad McQuack.]
Mickey Mouse: Haha!
Donald Duck: Thuns of bitchesth mustht pay!
Goofy: A-huck! Murder the unbelievers, my brothers!
Herve: Wait, Launchpad McQuack's a main event player?
Piett [stops in his tracks]: I cannot believe, of all the astonishingly awesome things we were just presented, you chose to point out fucking Launchpad McQuack?!?
Launchpad McQuack: If it helps, I can't really believe it either.
Mickey Mouse: KILL for Disney!!
[The Disney trio (and Launchpad McQuack) assault. Mickey swings his mallet at Herve but misses, and walks into a boot to the face from Piett. Goofy and Launchpad double-team Piett with a beating, while Donald Duck starts screaming and tackles Herve. The 2 roll around and manage to trip up Goofy, who falls into a sleeper hold from Piett.]
Piett: SLEEP!!
[Goofy loses consciousness and falls asleep. Or dies of asphyxiation. Either way, he's done.]
Herve: Hey, that was kinda better.
Donald Duck: Facthe me!!!
Herve: "Face you?" God, Donnie, learn to talk. Your nephews speak normally now. So does your rich Republican uncle. So does Launchpad McQuack!!
Launchpad McQuack: Hey, thanks for the compliment, maAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
[From behind, Piett smashs Launchpad in the back with Mickey's mallet, probably crippling him.]
Herve: Don't get me wrong. I totally have respect for the Disney ducks [aside] though I'll never understand why so few of you wear pants. And the fact that an asshole like you is such an intregal part of the Wonderful World of Disney pleases me to no end and gives me hope for mankind. But....come on, at least try to sound normal.
Donald Duck: Why you, I oughta sutherththgrbblblbarghaWWWWABLBLBLBLBLHHHHHAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Herve: I tried.
[Herve takes an arrow from his little pouch, grabs Donald's tongue and stabs it through. Donald howls in pain and falls to the ground screaming and crying.]
Donald Duck: Oh dear lord, the pain! It's excrutiating!!!
Herve: Really? *That's* what made it work? Ugh.
[Herve kicks Donald in the head and knocks him out. Behind him, Piett is assaulting Launchpad McQuack with that mallet. Mickey Mouse, holding his head where Piett kicked him, stares in horror as Piett smashes Launchpad McQuack into a bloodtastic oblivion. Before Mickey can sulk away, though, Herve stops him and makes him watch Launchpad McQuack become a bloody paste. Finally, the blood-curtling horror is too much for him to bear, and an inhuman (or rather.....quite human) scream bellows through the room.]
Mickey Mouse: ARRRGUUUUUUAAAGHHHHHHMMMMMFFFAAAAHHHH!!!!!
[Suddenly the animated world around them fades away and the tight confines of a secluded room appear in its place. Goofy and Donald's fallen forms turn into lifeless animatronic figures. Piett's mallet attack smooshes a duck's flattened head one moment, then the next crashs down on the shattered remains of a broken mechanical body. And Herve, now a midget human again, finds himself holding a normal-sized man.]
Herve: Holy crap...Walt Disney?!?
Piett: Of course. He was the voice of Mickey all those [stops] Wait, am I still a fox?
Herve: You'll always be a fox to me.
Piett: I meant am I a literal fox!!
Herve: No, you're human again.
Piett: Good. Because I was not looking forward to taking a crap as a fox. [resumes] He was the voice of Mickey all those years. So why wouldn't Mickey in this fantasy realm be Disney himself??
Herve: I'm shocked a man of your age can make that kind of sound...
Walt Disney: You.....you monsters!! You've destroyed my dream....destroyed my MIND!!
Herve: Dude, what? We just beat up your cartoon playpals.
Walt Disney: Not....cartoons.....but extensions of myself....my very mind....
Piett: What?
Herve: Oh no. Dude, you didn't smoke some of Jesus' blood after you kidnapped him, did you?
Piett: Ok. That is the most absurd and idiotic thing I have--
Walt Disney: I did!
Piett: --HOLYGODDAMNFUCKSHITWHAT?!?!
Herve: He totally tricked you, man. [chuckles] Classic Jesus.
Piett: How do you *smoke* blood?!?
Walt Disney: He....I....must survive....must live....my empire....my.....akkkhhuahhh....
[Walt Disney falls limp and dies.]
Piett: Whoa.
Herve: Yeah.
[Pause]
Herve: That was quick. And with so much left unexplained.
Piett: Yeah, like "What'd he do with Jesus?"
Herve: And "how will this all be resolved, what with the park apparently being his kingdom of Heaven on Earth."
Piett: And "who's that black dude sitting in the corner?" Seriously, who is that?
Herve: Hey, that's the black dude from Song of the South.
Black dude from Song of the South: Howdy. [pause] Want me to sing some songs for you?
Herve: No no no no nononono no, please. That did not go well for society the first time.
Piett: We're not racists or into stirring up those racial complexities.
[Pause]
Black dude from Song of the South: But...you're white.
Piett: And we're walking away from him now.
Herve: I think I know where we are.
Piett: The Disney Vault?
Herve: Yeah. Exactly. How did you--
Piett: SNL did a casrtoon skit about it or something. This is probably the part where we find Jim Henson bound and gagged or something.
Jim Henson: Not bound and gagged. Jesus freed me from my bondage.
Jesus: Nice biblical reference there.
Herve and Piett: JIM HENSON?!?
Jesus: And Jesus! Ahh!
Piett: Yeah yeah, "and Jesus." We got it.
Jesus: You have done well, my friends, coming to rescue us.
Herve: Wait, how did you know we were coming to rescue you?
Piett: Maybe we were coming to rescue Jim Henson?
Jim Henson [gasps]: You were?!
Piett: No. We weren't. But you are a delightful happenstance, Jim.
Jesus: I know all and see all, my children.
Jim Henson: He's right about that. I haven't won a game of poker since he showed up.
Herve: So you've been playing poker this whole time?
Piett: With that black dude from Song of the South sitting over there the whole time? Harsh.
Jesus: No. [pause] No, he did not want to play with us.
Jim Henson: He *really* doesn't like white people.
Herve: We gathered.
Jesus: You've succeeded in defeating our captor, Walt Disney. And on the actual date of his death, too...December 15th. And now, your gift....
Herve: Why would Jesus give us a gift? Damn, son, look at all the loot around here. We could totally feast on these lost gems and sell 'em for a mint on eBay. [starts rummaging through boxes and shelves of items] Look, a jar containing Michael Eisner's soul. [rummage, rummage] The severed head of Mel Blanc. [rummage, rummage] The original script of Sleeping Beauty, which....[reads].....is actually the script for Pretty Woman. Huh. [rummage, rummage] Ooh, the original plans for EPCOT Center......and it was in the shape of a Swatzika. Shocker. [rummage, rummage] Ooh! A naked version of The Little Mermaid......oh wait, in this one the Little Mermaid was a dude...
Piett: Are you done rummaging so Jesus can retort?
Herve: I feel I've done my damage to the minds of those reading, yes.
Jesus: Thou shalt not steal.
Herve: You waited all that time to say that? Dude, you have incredible patience.
[Jesus waves his hole-y hands at him, and Herve nods at the further evidence offered.]
Piett: Sacrilicious.
Jim Henson: Oh please, Jesus. You've been drinking Disney's stash of hooch the whole time you were here.
Jesus: And for that, Jim, you shall die of organ failure.
Jim Henson: Oh bother.
Jesus: Anyway, my friends.....your gift.....
[Long pause.]
Piett: Yes?
Herve: What is it?
Jesus: Oh. Really? That was supposed to be it.
Jim Henson: What?
Jesus: The end of the story.
Herve: The end?
Piett: Without a proper resolution?
Jesus: Yeah.
Herve: What about the next story?
Jesus: It'll all be fine by then. Back to normal.
Piett: Really??
Jesus: I can do that. [strikes a heroic pose] I'm Jesus.
[Pause]
Jim Henson: Seriously, organ failure? Lame.
Jesus: You want Scooter's AIDS instead?
Jim Henson: Organ failure it is then.
Herve: DARK.
*fin*
O_o
At least, in our lifetime it is. In this one.......
A flash of light envelopes a clearing, and when the light dissipates there only remains Firmus Piett and Herve Villechaize, agents of the Space/Time Continuum. They brush off their clothes - as if to imply time travel gets one dusty or wrinkled - and are about to speak when they are overcome by shock and awe at what they see before them.
HEAVEN ON EARTH.
PRAISE BE TO GOD.
[Pause]
Herve: .....oh fuckbags, he went back in time again and kidnapped Jesus, didn't he?!?!
Piett: How incredibly insightful of you, Herv. But not a problem. We just reactivate our devices and go back before he does, thereby stopping his--
[Piett clicks his belt buckle, but nothing happens. Some slight sensation near his crotch, perhaps, but no portal or time travel or any sort occurs. Piett taps it again, and again, and keeps doing so getting harder, until it damn near gets violent. Herve, understanding that there's a problem some tapping just cannot fix, tries to stop him, and they soon wrestling their hands in Piett's crotch area.]
Piett: It's not working! Not working!
Herve: Enough with this, Piett! Oy gevault!
[Suddenly someone appears nearby, and is aghast at what he sees and hears. He points and yells loudly.]
Man: Brothers, to arms! Homosexuals are afoot in the park!
[Piett and Herve turn around and freeze in place, with their hands still in that unfortunate place.]
Herve: Jehovah!!!
Man: And one of them's a JEW!!!
[The man, cloaked in white wearing Mickey Mouse ears and still pointing at them with a white Mickey Mouse gloved hand, is soon joined by others in white robes with Mickey ears and gloves.]
Piett: This would be adorably hilarious if it wasn't insane. And would you GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY JUNK!!! [brushes Herve's hands away]
Another man: Brother Ludwig was right!
Yet another man: Kill them for trespassing on our land!
Still yet another man: And for being gay Jews, right?
Yet another man: Facts are fuzzy, but yes, that too!
[The 4 men advance on the cosmic heroes, who quickly seperate and prepare to fight. Herve suddenly leaps forward and startles Piett but for a moment.]
Herve: NINJA KICK!
[Herve totally ninja kicks the first man.]
Piett: What the hell?
Herve: LETHAL EYE POKE!
[Herve spins around after his ninja kick and eye pokes the second man, pretty much gouging them right out of his head.]
Herve: GNAW ON THE THROAT!
[Herve leaps at the third and gnaws his larynx into a bloody mess.]
Piett: Since when do we call our actions out like that?
Herve: Hey come on, it's fun!
Piett: Uh, ok.
[Piett turns to his attacker, the fourth man.]
Piett: RAPE!!!
[The attacker stops in place and is overcome with fear. He grabs his private parts and runs away.]
Herve [kinda disgusted]: Dude, REALLY?
Piett: I wasn't gonna rape him. Just wanted to see what it'd do.
Herve: Yeah. He ran away.
Piett: Most do. Or at least try to.
Herve: He ran away TO GET HELP, PROBABLY!!
Piett: Oh. [pause] Yeah. The ones who run usually do, don't they?
Herve: Get AFTER HIM ALREADY!!!
[The 2 leap into action and run. They run past some planted trees, and soon come into a greater clearing, where they are now amongst many other people and are able to pinpoint their location in the park.]
Herve: It's a Small World?!? Oh God, I hate this ride!
[Suddenly the eyes of all around them affix onto them. Tourists, guards, a crowd of small international children, a few priests and nuns, and the fleeing man in white robes, who is now amongst others of his ilk.]
Man: There, my friends! They killed my brothers! These....these unbelievers!!
[The crowd seems concerned, but largely unimpressed.]
Man: And one of them is a JEW!!!
[The crowd suddenly becomes enraged, and charges the quantum duo.]
Piett: How harsh and offensive of him to assume that. How does he know our religion?
Herve: The time for logic is not now, Piett! LOOK!!
[Herve points at the small group of stereotypically dressed international children running at them. Mini-geishas, mini-mimes, kids with mini-sombreros.....all of them angrily charging. Herve seems to almost cower in fear.]
Herve: Dude, I gotta level with you. I've never been good in a fight with kids.
Piett: Wait, you can ninja kick and tear the throats out of normal sized men, but you have a problem with children and other little people?!
Herve: I always thanked Allah we never went to Endor or a Justin Beiber concert, because I woulda never come back! RUN!!!
[Piett takes out his ray gun and starts firing at the small crowd. A few kids are destroyed, but the rest still keep coming. The duo run away as children and adults, dressed normally and as Disney characters, alike pursue. They soon come across the local monorail station and bound up the steps, as a train rolls to a stop.]
Herve: Aw sweet, it's suited up as a Tronorail. Nice....
Piett: Shut up and get in!!!
[Piett jumps in as the doors open, but Herve does not.]
Piett: COME ON!!
Monorail voice: Please stand clear of the doors..........por favor mantengase alejado de las puertas.
[Herve calmly enters and the doors begin to close.]
Piett: REALLY?
Herve: Sorry. But I can't go without hearing it said in Spanish too.
Piett: But the voice is IN the train too!!
[As the doors close and their pursuers are cut off, someone behind them coughs.]
Piett: Oh lord, come on. Ever heard of personal space, m--
[He turns into the face of a man dressed as John Worthington Foulfellow from Pinocchio, who is flanked by as traincar full of tourists, cultist followers and even more Small Worlders (or just colorful foreign kids). Piett gulps, but Herve bypasses that and headbutts Foulfellow in the dick.]
John Worthington Foulfellow: {muffled groans and assorted swear words denoting pain of a great amount}
Herve: I never liked that guy.
[The other people in the car rise up and take both Piett and Herve down. Herve is overwhelmed by the international children, and Piett can only shoot and stomp a few people here and there before he is overcome by the remaining crowd of grown ups and guards and robed men. In a matter of minutes, a crowd of nearly 100 has overtaken the quantum agents.]
*******
....in this reality, my empire was built long before I was even born!
I didn't have to create dummy corporations to acquire the land from the state....the land and the state and the country it was in had been owned by my followers for centuries already!!
I actually LIVED to see this resort open and thriving!
And I LIVED to see my place among man rise above all others!
It is the single greatest achievement of power in the history of man!
Don't you understand?! My time travels achieved something no other man....LIVING GODHOOD!
And as a god.....I cannot die. Don't you see?
I CANNOT DIE!!!!
Dead men tell no tales.....
What?! Hey, stop that!
...this here's the wildest ride in the wilderness...!
This is MY bodyless monologue, you hillbilly bastard! Stop it!!
...por favor mantengase alejado de las puertas.
Oh come on, they already did that one!!
*******
[In another place (yet same time.....well, like, an hour later or something), Piett wakes up in a large room, which seems upside down. He tries to stand up, but is off-balanced, and as he realizes that he is walking in an upside down room, he notices that he is wearing....some very strange attire. He stumbles forward and reaches for the nearest object to lean on. At first, he sees a chandalier, but as he reaches for it the entire room seems to suddenly flip around (except for Piett) and his hand instead finds itself on a small wooden table. As his hand presses down, a small object on the table falls and rolls into his hand. He picks it up and inspects it: a small tube, with a handwritten note attached to its cap. Almost immediately, he drops it and the tube shatters on the ground. Piett looks around, calmly for a moment and then quite frantically as the seconds progress forward, until he eyes a mirror. Or, more accurately (and as a sign beneath it is labelled).....a looking glass. Piett gazes upon and is.....quite horrified by what he sees.]
Piett: It couldn't be the animated Mad Hatter, could it? It HAS to be the Johnny Depp one.
[Elsewhere in the room, Herve awakens.]
Herve: I'mlate!I'm late! AHH!! [confused pause] Wait, is the room upside dowNAAGGGHHHH!!!!
[Herve falls from the ceiling and lands flat on his face. Piett doesn't bat an eye as his friend, dressed as the White Rabbit, stands up and realizes the severity of the situation. Herve is horrified at his hackneed costume, while Piett ignores him and tries to deduce their location (though, now and again, he flicks one of Herve's fuzzy rabbit ears to his great annoyance).]
Herve: So we're stuck in a terrible live action Alice in Wonderland scenario. [pause] At least it's not Oliver and Company. I wouldn't wanna be licking my own asshole like a dog constantly. [pause] Because you know that's what I'd be doing if I could.
Piett: Naturally.
[Piett pokes around the room, looking for some sort of escape.]
Herve: Wait, I think there's a door. The story had a little door.
Piett: Herve, I act--
Herve [looks around]: Ah. There it is. I found it. Right there.
[Herve looks down while Piett bends down, and they see a small door. Piett sighs as Herve opens it and sighs as well.]
Herve: Shit. How do we get out?
Piett: As I was about to s--
Herve: Wait, in the movie there's a small veil of liquid on the table. Let's go back and--
[Some moments later, on the other side of the small door (which is now an animated world it seems). A scream eminates from beyond the door as Herve is pushed through, almost like Play Doh, until he is fully on the outside. He vomits immediately and gets up, turning back to yell at his cohort.]
Herve: PIETT!! Why the hell did you do--
[Beside him, a regular sized door opens and Piett walks calmly through.]
Piett: As I was trying to tell you, I found a regular door while you were going on about the little door. Moron.
Herve: Holy crap, Piett.
Piett: I know. *I* use my brain too.
Herve: No, Piett. [points at him] You're a fox!
Piett: What?
[Piett touches himself.]
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[She stops reading and daydreams a moment.]
Ashley: Mmmmmmmmmmm......
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Piett: Oh God, I AM a fox!! A fox with.....loin clothes on?!
Herve: Fuck me, you're a hairy Green Arrow!
Piett: No, you clod, I must be Robin Hood!
Herve: They Disney Robin Hood! Of course!
Piett: So much better than the Kevin Costner and Russell Crowe ones.
Herve: So who am I?
Piett: You're still a rabbit. Oh yeah, shoulda noticed you were wearing loin clothes and holding a
little bow and arrow now.
Herve: AwwwwWWWWWW, I'm that cute little rabbit who wants to be Robin Hood?!
Piett: Uh, yeah. That one. Kinda sad that someone would wanna be like Robin Hood, isn't it? A
homeless thief who contributes nothing to society except the belief that it must be degraded and
reconstructed all for the good of the poor and hopeless?
Herve: Enough of your rambling and senseless social commentary, Walsh, it's FIGHTIN' TIME!!!
Piett: My name isn't Walsh, it's--
Herve: FIGHTIN' TIME!!!
[Piett looks ahead and sees a gaggle of Disney characters rushing them. As Herve gets riled up, Piett has to stop and be the talky voice of non-action.]
Piett: Whoever came up with this plot clearly just wanted to work the Robin Hood thing in. And latch onto the popularity of that Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movie too, I guess. But in fact, segue is just the exact same thing we were doing before--
Herve: FIGHTIN' TIME!!!
[Herve ignores Piett's rambling and rushes to fight. He tackles the Sultan from Aladdin and tears out his larynx with his bunny rabbit teeth, then throws his turbin hat into the face of Gyro Gearloose. It envelops his head and he gags for breath and falls aside. Piett takes his bow and sends an arrow right into the animated head of that fat asshole Sir Ector from Sword in the Stone. He fires a few more shots, killing Sir Kay, Gepetto, Gaston and a few other (and let's face it, boring) human characters from various Disney films, then takes the bow and garrotes a revived Gyro Gearloose with its string, twisting his neck until he lives no more. He rejoins Herve, covered in blood (typical) and awaiting further foes.
Herve: I know of at least one person would find everything you're doing completely hot.
Piett: I know. This *is* hot.
Herve [glares up at Piett]: ....uh, yeah. I was talking about you.
Piett: Shit! It's the main event! LOOK!!
[From a door that suddenly appears out of nowhere, several figures walk through. Mickey Mouse holding a giant mallet, Goofy wearing what appear to be steampunk goggles, Donald Duck with a bloodied banjo, and Launchpad McQuack.]
Mickey Mouse: Haha!
Donald Duck: Thuns of bitchesth mustht pay!
Goofy: A-huck! Murder the unbelievers, my brothers!
Herve: Wait, Launchpad McQuack's a main event player?
Piett [stops in his tracks]: I cannot believe, of all the astonishingly awesome things we were just presented, you chose to point out fucking Launchpad McQuack?!?
Launchpad McQuack: If it helps, I can't really believe it either.
Mickey Mouse: KILL for Disney!!
[The Disney trio (and Launchpad McQuack) assault. Mickey swings his mallet at Herve but misses, and walks into a boot to the face from Piett. Goofy and Launchpad double-team Piett with a beating, while Donald Duck starts screaming and tackles Herve. The 2 roll around and manage to trip up Goofy, who falls into a sleeper hold from Piett.]
Piett: SLEEP!!
[Goofy loses consciousness and falls asleep. Or dies of asphyxiation. Either way, he's done.]
Herve: Hey, that was kinda better.
Donald Duck: Facthe me!!!
Herve: "Face you?" God, Donnie, learn to talk. Your nephews speak normally now. So does your rich Republican uncle. So does Launchpad McQuack!!
Launchpad McQuack: Hey, thanks for the compliment, maAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
[From behind, Piett smashs Launchpad in the back with Mickey's mallet, probably crippling him.]
Herve: Don't get me wrong. I totally have respect for the Disney ducks [aside] though I'll never understand why so few of you wear pants. And the fact that an asshole like you is such an intregal part of the Wonderful World of Disney pleases me to no end and gives me hope for mankind. But....come on, at least try to sound normal.
Donald Duck: Why you, I oughta sutherththgrbblblbarghaWWWWABLBLBLBLBLHHHHHAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Herve: I tried.
[Herve takes an arrow from his little pouch, grabs Donald's tongue and stabs it through. Donald howls in pain and falls to the ground screaming and crying.]
Donald Duck: Oh dear lord, the pain! It's excrutiating!!!
Herve: Really? *That's* what made it work? Ugh.
[Herve kicks Donald in the head and knocks him out. Behind him, Piett is assaulting Launchpad McQuack with that mallet. Mickey Mouse, holding his head where Piett kicked him, stares in horror as Piett smashes Launchpad McQuack into a bloodtastic oblivion. Before Mickey can sulk away, though, Herve stops him and makes him watch Launchpad McQuack become a bloody paste. Finally, the blood-curtling horror is too much for him to bear, and an inhuman (or rather.....quite human) scream bellows through the room.]
Mickey Mouse: ARRRGUUUUUUAAAGHHHHHHMMMMMFFFAAAAHHHH!!!!!
[Suddenly the animated world around them fades away and the tight confines of a secluded room appear in its place. Goofy and Donald's fallen forms turn into lifeless animatronic figures. Piett's mallet attack smooshes a duck's flattened head one moment, then the next crashs down on the shattered remains of a broken mechanical body. And Herve, now a midget human again, finds himself holding a normal-sized man.]
Herve: Holy crap...Walt Disney?!?
Piett: Of course. He was the voice of Mickey all those [stops] Wait, am I still a fox?
Herve: You'll always be a fox to me.
Piett: I meant am I a literal fox!!
Herve: No, you're human again.
Piett: Good. Because I was not looking forward to taking a crap as a fox. [resumes] He was the voice of Mickey all those years. So why wouldn't Mickey in this fantasy realm be Disney himself??
Herve: I'm shocked a man of your age can make that kind of sound...
Walt Disney: You.....you monsters!! You've destroyed my dream....destroyed my MIND!!
Herve: Dude, what? We just beat up your cartoon playpals.
Walt Disney: Not....cartoons.....but extensions of myself....my very mind....
Piett: What?
Herve: Oh no. Dude, you didn't smoke some of Jesus' blood after you kidnapped him, did you?
Piett: Ok. That is the most absurd and idiotic thing I have--
Walt Disney: I did!
Piett: --HOLYGODDAMNFUCKSHITWHAT?!?!
Herve: He totally tricked you, man. [chuckles] Classic Jesus.
Piett: How do you *smoke* blood?!?
Walt Disney: He....I....must survive....must live....my empire....my.....akkkhhuahhh....
[Walt Disney falls limp and dies.]
Piett: Whoa.
Herve: Yeah.
[Pause]
Herve: That was quick. And with so much left unexplained.
Piett: Yeah, like "What'd he do with Jesus?"
Herve: And "how will this all be resolved, what with the park apparently being his kingdom of Heaven on Earth."
Piett: And "who's that black dude sitting in the corner?" Seriously, who is that?
Herve: Hey, that's the black dude from Song of the South.
Black dude from Song of the South: Howdy. [pause] Want me to sing some songs for you?
Herve: No no no no nononono no, please. That did not go well for society the first time.
Piett: We're not racists or into stirring up those racial complexities.
[Pause]
Black dude from Song of the South: But...you're white.
Piett: And we're walking away from him now.
Herve: I think I know where we are.
Piett: The Disney Vault?
Herve: Yeah. Exactly. How did you--
Piett: SNL did a casrtoon skit about it or something. This is probably the part where we find Jim Henson bound and gagged or something.
Jim Henson: Not bound and gagged. Jesus freed me from my bondage.
Jesus: Nice biblical reference there.
Herve and Piett: JIM HENSON?!?
Jesus: And Jesus! Ahh!
Piett: Yeah yeah, "and Jesus." We got it.
Jesus: You have done well, my friends, coming to rescue us.
Herve: Wait, how did you know we were coming to rescue you?
Piett: Maybe we were coming to rescue Jim Henson?
Jim Henson [gasps]: You were?!
Piett: No. We weren't. But you are a delightful happenstance, Jim.
Jesus: I know all and see all, my children.
Jim Henson: He's right about that. I haven't won a game of poker since he showed up.
Herve: So you've been playing poker this whole time?
Piett: With that black dude from Song of the South sitting over there the whole time? Harsh.
Jesus: No. [pause] No, he did not want to play with us.
Jim Henson: He *really* doesn't like white people.
Herve: We gathered.
Jesus: You've succeeded in defeating our captor, Walt Disney. And on the actual date of his death, too...December 15th. And now, your gift....
Herve: Why would Jesus give us a gift? Damn, son, look at all the loot around here. We could totally feast on these lost gems and sell 'em for a mint on eBay. [starts rummaging through boxes and shelves of items] Look, a jar containing Michael Eisner's soul. [rummage, rummage] The severed head of Mel Blanc. [rummage, rummage] The original script of Sleeping Beauty, which....[reads].....is actually the script for Pretty Woman. Huh. [rummage, rummage] Ooh, the original plans for EPCOT Center......and it was in the shape of a Swatzika. Shocker. [rummage, rummage] Ooh! A naked version of The Little Mermaid......oh wait, in this one the Little Mermaid was a dude...
Piett: Are you done rummaging so Jesus can retort?
Herve: I feel I've done my damage to the minds of those reading, yes.
Jesus: Thou shalt not steal.
Herve: You waited all that time to say that? Dude, you have incredible patience.
[Jesus waves his hole-y hands at him, and Herve nods at the further evidence offered.]
Piett: Sacrilicious.
Jim Henson: Oh please, Jesus. You've been drinking Disney's stash of hooch the whole time you were here.
Jesus: And for that, Jim, you shall die of organ failure.
Jim Henson: Oh bother.
Jesus: Anyway, my friends.....your gift.....
[Long pause.]
Piett: Yes?
Herve: What is it?
Jesus: Oh. Really? That was supposed to be it.
Jim Henson: What?
Jesus: The end of the story.
Herve: The end?
Piett: Without a proper resolution?
Jesus: Yeah.
Herve: What about the next story?
Jesus: It'll all be fine by then. Back to normal.
Piett: Really??
Jesus: I can do that. [strikes a heroic pose] I'm Jesus.
[Pause]
Jim Henson: Seriously, organ failure? Lame.
Jesus: You want Scooter's AIDS instead?
Jim Henson: Organ failure it is then.
Herve: DARK.
*fin*
O_o
Friday, August 27, 2010
Quantum Piett vs. Walt Disney: Prologue (of Sacreligiciousness!)
The year is 33 AD.
March or so.
Early on a Sunday morning.
Just outside Jersusalem.
Yeah, that's right. I'm doing exactly what you think I am right now.
[2 men in robes are walking down a dirt road, toward a solemn and dark place.]
Piett: Ok, so if we were supposed to be here TODAY, then why did we get here on Friday?
Herve: To see the sights, man.
Piett: That's incredibly insensitive.
Herve: It was a helluva sight, though.
Piett: I guess? ...but couldn't we have done SOMETHING?
Herve: Well, shooting lasers and gnawing on a bunch of old rabbis' throats seemed......excessive. Not sure they coulda edited that part out of the book. Plus I think the point to it all was that he HAD to die, for the peoples' sins and what not.
Piett: I'll never get that religious thing. That's why I pray to a flying spaghetti monster.
Herve: Wait, you've met Him and His dad, like, several times. And yet you still don't believe?
Piett: Oh, I do. But flying spaghetti monster presents much less drama. And it's a much tastier faith, too.
[Suddenly the men stop, and they behold their intended destination: on the side of a small hill lies a rock, covering a tomb. 2 guards sit beside it, protecting it from meddlers and outsiders.]
Piett: You ready t--
[Piett stops and sees that Herve is gone.]
Piett: Y'know, all this time and he's *never* used the fact that he's short to just run off unnoticed like this.
[Suddenly screams cry out ahead, and Piett looks out to see what he expected: Herve leaping about, killing the 2 guards in front of the boulder. Piett calmly walks toward the incident scene, as the guards fall down dead.]
Piett: You said you'd let me kill one.
Herve: Sorry. Got blood thirsty. Plus I hate prologues that go on too long.
Piett: Piett likes this comment.
Herve: What?
Piett: I'm gonna speak in Facebookisms now. Every so often. Comment? Like?
Herve: Herve dislikes this.
Piett: There is no dislike feature.
Herve: There fucking well should be.
[Piett pulls out a ray gun - seriously, a ray gun?! 175 plus stories and I don't think he's ever just whipped out a ray gun before now - and aims at the blocked entrance to the cave. He fires, and a green ray bursts out and envelopes the giant stone boulder. Within seconds, it is completely vaporized, and the 2 quantum agents enter the cave, where they behold......absolute fucking blasphemy.]
Herve: Ho. Lee. Shit.
[Piett and Herve, who were expecting to see what they are now viewing but are still amazed to see it, gaze upon several men - one of whom is none other than WALT DISNEY himself - putting the finishing touches on an animatronic version of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.]
Walt Disney: Motherfucker!
Piett: Whoa! Disney just swore!
Walt Disney: Ludwig! Tuck! Kill them!
[2 men - one a crazed looking mad scientist and the other appearing to be dressed as a medieval age friar - lunge at Piett and Herve and attack. But without taking their stunned gaze off Disney, they quickly dispatch and kill Ludwig and Tuck.]
Walt Disney: MOTHERFUCKER!
Herve: Dude, you gotta stop saying that. You're totally killing my childhood here.
Walt Disney: You cannot stop me! You cannot stop my destiny!
[Disney grabs a bag from his pocket, grabs contents from within and then blows it out of the palm of his hand. A fine cloud of....pixie dust?....divides him from Piett & Herve.]
Walt Disney: I must retreat and live to fight another day! For behold, I have achieved the art of TIME TRAVEL!
[A bright shimmer through the cloud of dust appears, and Disney promptly and magically disappears. The cloud dissipates as Piett and Herve still stand in their same positions, still shocked at what has just transpired.]
Piett [talking as if Disney was still there]: Uh, did it occur to you that a guy with a freakin' ray gun probably achieved time travel TOO?!?!
Herve: He's gone, dude. Relax.
Piett: I can't relax. I can't actually believe we just saw this.
Herve: Cosmos and Chronos did warn us, with great detail, that what we just saw happen was actually what we'd see happen.
Piett: But......but.......but it's Walt Disney!
Herve: I know.
Piett: He brought joy and wonderment to billions of people!
Herve: Exarctly.
Piett: He's shaped the minds of children all over the world! And he....he....he was building a fake Jesus!!
Herve: To alter and change religion itself, obviously. Skewing it toward his control, giving himself a fanbase that spread across centuries. Centuries that spanned all before he was ever born, so that by the time of his birth he was already a prophetic god-like being greater than any deity that's ever existed. [pause] It's all pretty impressive, really.
Piett: "Impressive?"
Herve: You have to admire that kinda vision. I wish more of our foes had it, instead of just being silly gimmicks or overly complex mindfucks that are easily beaten.
Piett: So we go stop him, yes?
Herve: Well obviously. Now that we ruined the best part of his plan, we have no choice. He's no fun anymore, really.
[Pause]
Herve: And a ray gun? Really?
Piett: It looked neat. And I thought it'd fit in nicely in fighting the guy who created Tomorrowland and Epcot Center.
Herve: If you make me dress up like a sailor duck with no pants on, I will kick your dick off.
Piett: And here I thought you'd *never* need a reason to NOT take your pants off.
[Piett clicks his belt buckle, and a portal opens which consumes them both. They depart......while the animatronic version of Jesus Christ still stands in the crypt. Some moments pass, until someone walks in....]
Jesus Christ: Ok, so I've got the sandals, I've got my robes. [looks at his hands] Guh. I'm gonna have to deal with these pesky hand holes for a few more weeks to...SWEET ME!!! [pause] Is....is that me? Is that what I LOOK LIKE?!? [longer pause] Damn, I look good.
[Suddenly a portal opens behind him.]
Walt Disney: Ooh, such vanity from MY disciple!
Jesus: Huh?
[A swift punch to the face lays the Son of God low. Disney quickly activates his animatronic figure, grabs the real Jesus in his arms, and with a wicked smile on his face fades out of site - by TIME TRAVEL!]
Walt Disney: Idiot "time travellers" should've seen this happening. Now I shall RULE THE WORLD!!! [disappears]
Animatronic Jesus [flickers to life]: I.....function....I.....I......my children, I have returned to you, to spread the word of my father. Hallowed by the name of My Father.....Walt Disney.....for someday, He shall come to you and ye shall love him and honor him like no other.....prepare this world for him....and you shall know peace for all the days of man....
*to be continued!!*
March or so.
Early on a Sunday morning.
Just outside Jersusalem.
Yeah, that's right. I'm doing exactly what you think I am right now.
[2 men in robes are walking down a dirt road, toward a solemn and dark place.]
Piett: Ok, so if we were supposed to be here TODAY, then why did we get here on Friday?
Herve: To see the sights, man.
Piett: That's incredibly insensitive.
Herve: It was a helluva sight, though.
Piett: I guess? ...but couldn't we have done SOMETHING?
Herve: Well, shooting lasers and gnawing on a bunch of old rabbis' throats seemed......excessive. Not sure they coulda edited that part out of the book. Plus I think the point to it all was that he HAD to die, for the peoples' sins and what not.
Piett: I'll never get that religious thing. That's why I pray to a flying spaghetti monster.
Herve: Wait, you've met Him and His dad, like, several times. And yet you still don't believe?
Piett: Oh, I do. But flying spaghetti monster presents much less drama. And it's a much tastier faith, too.
[Suddenly the men stop, and they behold their intended destination: on the side of a small hill lies a rock, covering a tomb. 2 guards sit beside it, protecting it from meddlers and outsiders.]
Piett: You ready t--
[Piett stops and sees that Herve is gone.]
Piett: Y'know, all this time and he's *never* used the fact that he's short to just run off unnoticed like this.
[Suddenly screams cry out ahead, and Piett looks out to see what he expected: Herve leaping about, killing the 2 guards in front of the boulder. Piett calmly walks toward the incident scene, as the guards fall down dead.]
Piett: You said you'd let me kill one.
Herve: Sorry. Got blood thirsty. Plus I hate prologues that go on too long.
Piett: Piett likes this comment.
Herve: What?
Piett: I'm gonna speak in Facebookisms now. Every so often. Comment? Like?
Herve: Herve dislikes this.
Piett: There is no dislike feature.
Herve: There fucking well should be.
[Piett pulls out a ray gun - seriously, a ray gun?! 175 plus stories and I don't think he's ever just whipped out a ray gun before now - and aims at the blocked entrance to the cave. He fires, and a green ray bursts out and envelopes the giant stone boulder. Within seconds, it is completely vaporized, and the 2 quantum agents enter the cave, where they behold......absolute fucking blasphemy.]
Herve: Ho. Lee. Shit.
[Piett and Herve, who were expecting to see what they are now viewing but are still amazed to see it, gaze upon several men - one of whom is none other than WALT DISNEY himself - putting the finishing touches on an animatronic version of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.]
Walt Disney: Motherfucker!
Piett: Whoa! Disney just swore!
Walt Disney: Ludwig! Tuck! Kill them!
[2 men - one a crazed looking mad scientist and the other appearing to be dressed as a medieval age friar - lunge at Piett and Herve and attack. But without taking their stunned gaze off Disney, they quickly dispatch and kill Ludwig and Tuck.]
Walt Disney: MOTHERFUCKER!
Herve: Dude, you gotta stop saying that. You're totally killing my childhood here.
Walt Disney: You cannot stop me! You cannot stop my destiny!
[Disney grabs a bag from his pocket, grabs contents from within and then blows it out of the palm of his hand. A fine cloud of....pixie dust?....divides him from Piett & Herve.]
Walt Disney: I must retreat and live to fight another day! For behold, I have achieved the art of TIME TRAVEL!
[A bright shimmer through the cloud of dust appears, and Disney promptly and magically disappears. The cloud dissipates as Piett and Herve still stand in their same positions, still shocked at what has just transpired.]
Piett [talking as if Disney was still there]: Uh, did it occur to you that a guy with a freakin' ray gun probably achieved time travel TOO?!?!
Herve: He's gone, dude. Relax.
Piett: I can't relax. I can't actually believe we just saw this.
Herve: Cosmos and Chronos did warn us, with great detail, that what we just saw happen was actually what we'd see happen.
Piett: But......but.......but it's Walt Disney!
Herve: I know.
Piett: He brought joy and wonderment to billions of people!
Herve: Exarctly.
Piett: He's shaped the minds of children all over the world! And he....he....he was building a fake Jesus!!
Herve: To alter and change religion itself, obviously. Skewing it toward his control, giving himself a fanbase that spread across centuries. Centuries that spanned all before he was ever born, so that by the time of his birth he was already a prophetic god-like being greater than any deity that's ever existed. [pause] It's all pretty impressive, really.
Piett: "Impressive?"
Herve: You have to admire that kinda vision. I wish more of our foes had it, instead of just being silly gimmicks or overly complex mindfucks that are easily beaten.
Piett: So we go stop him, yes?
Herve: Well obviously. Now that we ruined the best part of his plan, we have no choice. He's no fun anymore, really.
[Pause]
Herve: And a ray gun? Really?
Piett: It looked neat. And I thought it'd fit in nicely in fighting the guy who created Tomorrowland and Epcot Center.
Herve: If you make me dress up like a sailor duck with no pants on, I will kick your dick off.
Piett: And here I thought you'd *never* need a reason to NOT take your pants off.
[Piett clicks his belt buckle, and a portal opens which consumes them both. They depart......while the animatronic version of Jesus Christ still stands in the crypt. Some moments pass, until someone walks in....]
Jesus Christ: Ok, so I've got the sandals, I've got my robes. [looks at his hands] Guh. I'm gonna have to deal with these pesky hand holes for a few more weeks to...SWEET ME!!! [pause] Is....is that me? Is that what I LOOK LIKE?!? [longer pause] Damn, I look good.
[Suddenly a portal opens behind him.]
Walt Disney: Ooh, such vanity from MY disciple!
Jesus: Huh?
[A swift punch to the face lays the Son of God low. Disney quickly activates his animatronic figure, grabs the real Jesus in his arms, and with a wicked smile on his face fades out of site - by TIME TRAVEL!]
Walt Disney: Idiot "time travellers" should've seen this happening. Now I shall RULE THE WORLD!!! [disappears]
Animatronic Jesus [flickers to life]: I.....function....I.....I......my children, I have returned to you, to spread the word of my father. Hallowed by the name of My Father.....Walt Disney.....for someday, He shall come to you and ye shall love him and honor him like no other.....prepare this world for him....and you shall know peace for all the days of man....
*to be continued!!*
Thursday, August 26, 2010
There's Nothing Wrong with the Number 25.
[Prologue: In a hidden dark lair - possibly the Death Star, possibly Washington DC, possibly someplace else where awful things are being plotted - 2 figures sit in a darkened room.....because apparently I can't have evil people hang out in a park or something, it always has to be "a darkened scary obviously creepy place".....]
Former Vice President Dick Cheney: Excellent, excellent.....all is going according to plan.
CNN's Lester Holt: Yes, master.
Dick Cheney: ...no, don't...don't call me that. It sounds racist.
CNN's Lester Holt: Why?
Dick Cheney: Well.....[points in his general direction] you're a black fella, there. My kind have had problems with you guys in the past.
CNN's Lester Holt: White people?
Dick Cheney: No, Republicans. Never mind. Is the master plan prepared?
CNN's Lester Holt: Yes, ma......n. Yes. I have assembled our allies and we are prepared to strike!
Dick Cheney: Good...
CNN's Lester Holt: Behold, the Hatemongers Association rollcall!
Dick Cheney: Heh?
Evil Susan B. Anthony!
Evil Susan B. Anthony: Stay in the kitchen, bitches!
The Godmother!
The Godmother: I will make him a pie he cannot refuse.
The Faceless Man!
Faceless Man: [says nothing, because he has no face, but instead flails his arms about in a panic]
A Nazi dressed up as Disney's Robin Hood!
Nazi Robin Hood: Mfgmstgjwgrfhtlr!
CNN's Lester Holt: See, he's in that big Disney costume so you can't hear him--
Dick Cheney: I get it.
Mike Rotch and Ben Dover!
Mike Rotch: I've heard enough people make dick jokes about my name that turned me EVIL!
Ben Dover: Y'know, I don't really mind my name actually. But I'm a Scientologist, though, so......that's why I'm here.
The Incredible Rawr!
The IncrediblWE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS INTERUPPTION BUT THIS CHARACTER IS CLEARLY A CHEAP KNOCKOFF OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK AND IS THUS A VIOLATION OF COPYRIGHT LAW. IT WILL BE REMOVED FROM THIS STORY FORTH........WAIT, NO ONE IS REALLY EVEN READING THIS ANYWAY? OH.....OKAY THEN, CARRY ONe Rawr: Big! Strong! Smash! Simplistic dialogue! RAWR!
The White Terrorist!
The Terrorist: I love my freedoms and peace-loving religion in all the wrong ways! Haha, CONTROVERSIAL!
Ralph Kramden from the Honeymooners!
Ralph Kramden: I'll punch you in the face, Alice, and be famous for threatening to beat my wife!
Those 2 racist robots from Transformers 2: Revenge of the This Movie Fucking Blew!
[Pause]
Dick Cheney: They're not saying anything.
CNN's Lester Holt: We removed their voice boxes. They're THAT offensive.
The Mythbuster!
Mythbuster: I used to be a ghostbuster until I realized it was all special effects. And then I saw Ghostbusters 2. Fuck you twice, Ivan Reitman!
The Stereotype!
The Stereotype: .......ok, I'm not really able to use my powers unless I know what I'm mocking. I'm a pretty blank slate without instruction.
No time for that now, dick! Zombie Eleanor Rigby!
Zombie Eleanor Rigby: Look at all the lovely people...AND THEIR BRAINS!!!
The Hangman's Noose!
Dick Cheney: Wait, that's just a rope tied in a noose sitting on the table.
CNN's Lester Holt: Erm, we had some contractual differences with the Hangman, and he just stormed off without his noose. So we figured, what the hell.
The Aluminum Man!
Aluminum Man: Not as impressive as Iron Man, I know, but at least I'm sober.
A guy who looks like George Lucas but isn't!
Not George Lucas: I didn't direct Star Wars, but I did direct Howard the Duck!!
Dick Cheney: Ugh!
The amnesiac Mirror Universe version of Rasputin!
Rasputin: Where's my beard?!?
Dick Cheney: He's a conundrum, that one.
CNN's Lester Holt: No, he is.
The Lazy Conundrum!
The Lazy Conundrum: Nothing I do or think makes sense and I don't give a shit!
Jim and Barbara Loomis!
Dick Cheney: They seem normal.
CNN's Lester Holt: No, his name is Barbara and her name is Jim.
Dick Cheney: GUH!
The Cereal Killer!
[The Cereal Killer says nothing, but just coldly lifts up the severed head of Dig 'Em the Honey Smacks frog.]
And Lucy Ferr!
Lucy Ferr: Wait, what the hell am I doing here?
[With the entire Hatemongers Association finally announced, there is a great pause.]
....GREAT PAUSE....
[Then suddenly Dick Cheney pulls out a tommy gun and shoots the entire group of villains dead in their seats. Blood and gore and screams and tits everywhere. Even the Hangman's Noose gets a few right in the knot. Finally, all 23 people are dead.]
CNN's Lester Holt: What did you do?!?
Dick Cheney: I hate these kinds of things. Giant groups of miscellaneous and hackneed villains, led by one or two mastermind characters who have absolutely no reason to be associated with any of them.
CNN's Lester Holt: But.....but that would make us....make YOU....that kind of mastermind character!
Dick Cheney: I also hate it when the underling of the 2 makes a revelation that damages the partnership irrevocably....
[He aims the tommy gun at CNN's Lester Holt and shoots him dead as well.]
Dick Cheney.....and I hate it when he ends up being absolutely right.
[Dick Cheney takes the gun, puts it in his mouth, and pulls the trigger.]
*******
[Within the very nice and comfortable confines of the palace of Cosmos and Chronos: masters of space and time (respectively). The 2 Quantum agents, Firmus Piett and Herve Villechaize, sit on a sofa while watching E! Entertainment Television. They look physically ill.]
Herve: Who gives a ridalin addicted thief and her dimmer-than-ass sisters their own television show? Even I'm not that godless. And I'm pretty godless.
Piett: This is....just awful. I don't care what these people or famous people or those fucking Jersey Twilight Housewife bastards are doing or consider important at all. God, if I sit in front of this swill any longer, my soul will get sucked right out of me and into the television.
Herve: You should watch out, I've heard there are evil TV's out there that feed on human emotion like that.
Piett: Pfeh. That's just stupid.
Herve: I read it on a blog, man.
Piett: Whomever came up with that is just a god damned moron. Seriously. They should have their head crushed under the back tires of a school bus. I feel sick just being in the same room that statement was made in.
[Piett goes to stand up, when suddenly Chronos enters the room in a frenzy.]
Chronos: OH MY GOD YOUR WIFE IS DEAD!!!!
Herve: My wife?! My God! I.....I thought she already was dead!
[Pause]
Herve: Ooh, is this gonna be a zombie adventure??
[Longer pause]
Herve: Oh......oh shit, you're not actually talking to me, are you?
Chronos: No, I was talking to Piett.
Piett: Wait, what? My wife? Lucy?
Chronos: Yes. She's dead, and--
Piett: Isn't she already dead?
Herve: Yeah, I seem to remember that.
Chronos: Dead already? Nonsense! She just died now!
[Pause]
Piett: Ooh, are we not in the part of the timeline when she died for good? The part after Chronos went all insidous and brilliantly evil and then got killed himself?
Chronos: Wait wha who buh??
Herve: Wait a tic, shouldn't he know this? Master of time and all?
Piett: I think the "master" bit has always been just a title only.
[Piett and Herve look back at Chronos, who as he picks his nose and inspects his finger, wonders if he should consume it...]
Piett: Yeah. An empty title.
[Not wanting to know what the results of Chronos' nasal expedition are, Piett and Herve leap up from their comfy sofa and bound off to the main chambers of the mansion. There sits Cosmos, examining and monitoring his numerous television windows into the multitude of universes.]
Herve: Dude, Cosmos must have no soul at all staring at all those evil TVs.
Piett: STOP IT!
Cosmos: Ah, you're here. I suppose you've heard the news.
Piett: Yeah, apparently my wife's dead or something?
Cosmos: Indeed. But not just her. 24 other people you've encountered over the years are all dead as well.
Herve: 25, huh? That number is.....stunningly dangerous to me now.
Piett: Really?
Herve: Nah. It's just a number. If it were an age, it would be STILL INCREDIBLY AND WONDERFULLY YOUNG.
Piett: Volume control, asshole.
Herve: Sorry.
Cosmos: Regardless, 25 people are dead, including YOUR wife, Piett!
Piett: But should I really complain? Decent sex, sure, but she *was* the sister of the devil.
Chronos: "Decent?"
Piett: It.....[sighs]......to be honest, it was getting less spectacular and more lackluster as time went on. Plus I'm kinda over the whole redhead thing.
Herve: Seriously?? So no more redheads? Not even....[gasps]....Doctor Who's Amy Pond?
[All 4 stop and kinda swoon.]
Piett: No, no! No more redheads. Probably going go for blonde.....or brownish blonde.....
[Another great pause, as Piett just stands still and silent.]
Chronos: He go braindead, finally?
Piett: This......this makes no sense.
Herve: Of course it doesn't. It never has made any sense.
Piett: No, I mean--
Herve: So who else are we looking at here, Cosmos?
Cosmos: Numerous people you've encountered over the years.
[Cosmos immediately waves his hand, and the faces of 25 people appear on the television screens before them. There is a pause.]
Piett: I don't recognize any of those people.
Chronos: Really? Even your wife?
Piett: Well of course I recognize her.
Herve: I don't see her.
Piett: It's the picture with just her rack. I'd know those monsters anywhere.
[Herve and Chronos stare for a few moments at that image, then with Piett they move their eyes toward Cosmos.]
Cosmos: What. [pause] So I like tits. I'm not apologizing for that.
Herve: Oh Cosmos, you scamp. [laughs in a silly sitcom manner] But seriously, she's dead and that's just wrong. Give it at least a few minutes, man.
Piett: Who are these other people??
Herve: Well, there's......er.....and......um, the guy with the face there, don't forget him....uh.....
Cosmos: Wait, you forgot who all these people are? Or no, wait, maybe the guy writing this forgot them?
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Herve: Well that's odd. Usually those squiggly ASCII signs show up, Walsh pops in and says something snarky as he was reacting to us, and then it comes back to us as we kinda don't acknowledge he shows up.
Piett: We really don't remember these people. [to Cosmos] Do *you* remember them?
Cosmos: This isn't about me, Firmus, it's about--
Piett: HYPOCRITE!
Herve: So we have to investigate the deaths of 25 people we apparently knew or didn't know?
Chronos: 24 and your wife, Piett.
Piett & Herve: WE KNOW!
Herve: Ugh, this isn't another rewriting reality adventure to cover up Walsh's own memory gaps, is it? I fucking hate those.
Piett: Ok, hold on. I tried to say it earlier, but you interuppted me, but I'm starting to see something here...
Herve: The crap we've been engulfed in for the last 15 years or so?
Piett: Already used to that. No, there's....something else here. Something........strange.
Herve: Strange or stupid?
Piett [ponders]:..........both.
Herve: Well, at least that story element is still intact.
Piett: I know how to test this. [yells] Fourth World!
[Suddenly BOOM!! a Boom Tube opens up, and out leaps Darkseid the Dark God of Apokalips. He is a large white man, wearing a black robe and kinda looking like Emperor Palpatine. A few moments pass; in fact one could describe it as a...]
....GREAT PAUSE....
[Until finally...]
Piett: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!?
Darkseid: I'm Darkseid. Don't you recognize me?
Herve: You are NOT Darkseid!! He looks nothing like this! What IS happening here?!?
Piett: Oh Gods of Kobol, tell me this isn't what I dread it is...
Herve: What?! What do you dread?!
[Suddenly reality all around them begins to shimmer and flicker. Cosmos, Chronos, the mansion, Darkseid......within a confused flash, they all dissipate as the 2 quantum heroes suddenly find themselves in a residential home bedroom, far from where they thought they once were. They look on in horror as the reality of their grim situation becomes quite clear, as Piett points at what his dreadful prediction is: they see a young blonde woman, sitting, writing.......THIS.]
Piett: .......OH MY GOD SOMEONE OTHER THAN WALSH AND PONTE IS WRITING THIS STORY!!!!
Herve: AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!!
[Herve, grabbing his hair in reaction to his hideous revelation, screams, runs and jumps out a window. Piett is terrified at the apparent syndication of Quantum Piett, but stops and thinks.]
Piett: I think this may be the first time Herve has screamed in abject horror in the presence of a legit hot girl.
Girl: Curses! I've lost control of the story!
Piett: Aha! We've....foiled your plot? [confused] Have we?
Smashley: Dammit, how am I supposed to know what some obscure comic book villain that Sean only knows looks like?!
Piett: Wikipedia! And forget this banter, who the HELL are you?!?
Girl: My name is Smashley!
[Pause]
Piett: "Smashley?" Who names their kid "Smashley?"
Smashley: With your companion out of the way, it's time for my master plan to unfold!
Piett: But I foiled it already! Didn't I? Blast!
Smashley: My master plan, Mr. Piett.....is YOU!
Piett: Wha?
Smashley: I want you, Firmus Piett!
[Piett looks around, confused. He turns back, and points to himself questionably.]
Smashley: I'm obsessed with you, with everything you do and are! I've read all your stories!
Piett: Even Ponte's stories?
Smashley: Even Ponte's.
Herve [crawling back up the side of the house]: AHHHHH!!!! [falls]
Smashley: I even have an altar to you....look!
[Smashley runs and opens her closet, and Piett is shocked to indeed see an altar adorned with photos of Piett, lit candles (that has to be a safety concern) and what appears to be the tattered remains of a dead hooker sacrifice.]
Piett: Oh, that poor dead hooker...I'll bet she was one of those who was legit looking to get out of the business and advance her life, too. [a tear comes to his eye]
Smashley: Forget the dead hooker! It's YOU I need to have!!
[Smashley suddenly lunges at Piett, and he screams and runs. They run around the room in a circle like a Benny Hill skit, jumping over furniture and what not. At one point, she grabs one of the dead hooker's arm and heaves it at him; he catches it and sobs a little more for her. But finally, after much pointlessness has been achieved, Piett stops.]
Piett: Wait a minute......this girl is freakin' hot. Why the hell am I fighting this???
[He slows down and Smashley tackles him, where they both land on the bed. She pulls off all his clothing, then hers, and then....well, you can guess...]
*******
[Moments later, Herve crawls back up toward and into the window, but freezes in place as he sees what is happening before him.]
Herve: GOOD LORD!!! I've wandered into a porno! [pause] Wait, that's the chick.....AND PIETT?!? [pause] Holy shit, he's really going to town on that girl. Give it to her, man, go! WOO!! [pause] Wait....why does Piett look like Walsh? [pause] Is she MAKING him look like that? Or.....oh God, has he ALWAYS meant to look like Walsh?!? [not-so-great pause] AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! [grabs his eyes, and a loss of balance sends him falling out the window again]
*******
[Some time later.....minutes, hours, days? how long can he go for?!.....Herve and Piett are quitely walking down the street. They say nothing for the longest time.]
Herve: So are we talking about this?
Piett: I tend not to talk about my conquests.
Herve: Oh you are such a liar. SPILL.
Piett: It was.......really damn good.
Herve: Evidently. You even turned into Walsh there for a second.
Piett: That still creeps me out.
Herve: She certainly enjoyed it. That was some good high quality sex.
[Pause]
Herve: .....although killing her certainly deducted a few points.
Piett: Ugh, this is why I didn't want to talk about it.
Herve: Why DID you kill her?
Piett: I didn't mean to!! I mean....I *did* tell her I don't.....you know....release well....
Herve: And now we know what happens when you do, it seems. Lethal semen. [shudders] Wait, didn't you have a kid at one point? [shrugs] Oh well. At least we didn't have to drag the body far.
Piett: Did you have to actually drag her?
Herve: It's an interesting visual.
Piett: "Interesting." More like "disturbing beyond fucking belief."
Herve: More disturbing than burying her in a makeshift grave in that cemetery near her house?
Piett: There was an empty grave already dug, like, 10 feet away, man. You could've just--
Herve: A man like me doesn't pass up the chance to dig a makeshift grave. EVER.
[Pause]
Piett: What a dark ending.
Herve: Oh, come on. You know how fantastically bizarre our adventures are. No one ever stays dead for long...[aside]...then again, no one reads them either.
Piett: One person did. [sighs] One person did....
[As the two walk away into the darkness, we pan back - let's pretend this is a movie for a moment - to the cemetery, and the makeshift grave of Smashley. As a terribly cliched lightning bolt and thunder suddenly erupt in the background, an arm bursts through the ground, and its fist shakes vociferously in the air.]
*to be continued?!?!?*
Piett: No.
Herve: No.
Piett: Definitely don't.
Herve: World of hurt there, my friend.
Piett: No.
Herve: Just.....just no...
*fin*
Herve: Better...
Former Vice President Dick Cheney: Excellent, excellent.....all is going according to plan.
CNN's Lester Holt: Yes, master.
Dick Cheney: ...no, don't...don't call me that. It sounds racist.
CNN's Lester Holt: Why?
Dick Cheney: Well.....[points in his general direction] you're a black fella, there. My kind have had problems with you guys in the past.
CNN's Lester Holt: White people?
Dick Cheney: No, Republicans. Never mind. Is the master plan prepared?
CNN's Lester Holt: Yes, ma......n. Yes. I have assembled our allies and we are prepared to strike!
Dick Cheney: Good...
CNN's Lester Holt: Behold, the Hatemongers Association rollcall!
Dick Cheney: Heh?
Evil Susan B. Anthony!
Evil Susan B. Anthony: Stay in the kitchen, bitches!
The Godmother!
The Godmother: I will make him a pie he cannot refuse.
The Faceless Man!
Faceless Man: [says nothing, because he has no face, but instead flails his arms about in a panic]
A Nazi dressed up as Disney's Robin Hood!
Nazi Robin Hood: Mfgmstgjwgrfhtlr!
CNN's Lester Holt: See, he's in that big Disney costume so you can't hear him--
Dick Cheney: I get it.
Mike Rotch and Ben Dover!
Mike Rotch: I've heard enough people make dick jokes about my name that turned me EVIL!
Ben Dover: Y'know, I don't really mind my name actually. But I'm a Scientologist, though, so......that's why I'm here.
The Incredible Rawr!
The IncrediblWE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS INTERUPPTION BUT THIS CHARACTER IS CLEARLY A CHEAP KNOCKOFF OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK AND IS THUS A VIOLATION OF COPYRIGHT LAW. IT WILL BE REMOVED FROM THIS STORY FORTH........WAIT, NO ONE IS REALLY EVEN READING THIS ANYWAY? OH.....OKAY THEN, CARRY ONe Rawr: Big! Strong! Smash! Simplistic dialogue! RAWR!
The White Terrorist!
The Terrorist: I love my freedoms and peace-loving religion in all the wrong ways! Haha, CONTROVERSIAL!
Ralph Kramden from the Honeymooners!
Ralph Kramden: I'll punch you in the face, Alice, and be famous for threatening to beat my wife!
Those 2 racist robots from Transformers 2: Revenge of the This Movie Fucking Blew!
[Pause]
Dick Cheney: They're not saying anything.
CNN's Lester Holt: We removed their voice boxes. They're THAT offensive.
The Mythbuster!
Mythbuster: I used to be a ghostbuster until I realized it was all special effects. And then I saw Ghostbusters 2. Fuck you twice, Ivan Reitman!
The Stereotype!
The Stereotype: .......ok, I'm not really able to use my powers unless I know what I'm mocking. I'm a pretty blank slate without instruction.
No time for that now, dick! Zombie Eleanor Rigby!
Zombie Eleanor Rigby: Look at all the lovely people...AND THEIR BRAINS!!!
The Hangman's Noose!
Dick Cheney: Wait, that's just a rope tied in a noose sitting on the table.
CNN's Lester Holt: Erm, we had some contractual differences with the Hangman, and he just stormed off without his noose. So we figured, what the hell.
The Aluminum Man!
Aluminum Man: Not as impressive as Iron Man, I know, but at least I'm sober.
A guy who looks like George Lucas but isn't!
Not George Lucas: I didn't direct Star Wars, but I did direct Howard the Duck!!
Dick Cheney: Ugh!
The amnesiac Mirror Universe version of Rasputin!
Rasputin: Where's my beard?!?
Dick Cheney: He's a conundrum, that one.
CNN's Lester Holt: No, he is.
The Lazy Conundrum!
The Lazy Conundrum: Nothing I do or think makes sense and I don't give a shit!
Jim and Barbara Loomis!
Dick Cheney: They seem normal.
CNN's Lester Holt: No, his name is Barbara and her name is Jim.
Dick Cheney: GUH!
The Cereal Killer!
[The Cereal Killer says nothing, but just coldly lifts up the severed head of Dig 'Em the Honey Smacks frog.]
And Lucy Ferr!
Lucy Ferr: Wait, what the hell am I doing here?
[With the entire Hatemongers Association finally announced, there is a great pause.]
....GREAT PAUSE....
[Then suddenly Dick Cheney pulls out a tommy gun and shoots the entire group of villains dead in their seats. Blood and gore and screams and tits everywhere. Even the Hangman's Noose gets a few right in the knot. Finally, all 23 people are dead.]
CNN's Lester Holt: What did you do?!?
Dick Cheney: I hate these kinds of things. Giant groups of miscellaneous and hackneed villains, led by one or two mastermind characters who have absolutely no reason to be associated with any of them.
CNN's Lester Holt: But.....but that would make us....make YOU....that kind of mastermind character!
Dick Cheney: I also hate it when the underling of the 2 makes a revelation that damages the partnership irrevocably....
[He aims the tommy gun at CNN's Lester Holt and shoots him dead as well.]
Dick Cheney.....and I hate it when he ends up being absolutely right.
[Dick Cheney takes the gun, puts it in his mouth, and pulls the trigger.]
*******
[Within the very nice and comfortable confines of the palace of Cosmos and Chronos: masters of space and time (respectively). The 2 Quantum agents, Firmus Piett and Herve Villechaize, sit on a sofa while watching E! Entertainment Television. They look physically ill.]
Herve: Who gives a ridalin addicted thief and her dimmer-than-ass sisters their own television show? Even I'm not that godless. And I'm pretty godless.
Piett: This is....just awful. I don't care what these people or famous people or those fucking Jersey Twilight Housewife bastards are doing or consider important at all. God, if I sit in front of this swill any longer, my soul will get sucked right out of me and into the television.
Herve: You should watch out, I've heard there are evil TV's out there that feed on human emotion like that.
Piett: Pfeh. That's just stupid.
Herve: I read it on a blog, man.
Piett: Whomever came up with that is just a god damned moron. Seriously. They should have their head crushed under the back tires of a school bus. I feel sick just being in the same room that statement was made in.
[Piett goes to stand up, when suddenly Chronos enters the room in a frenzy.]
Chronos: OH MY GOD YOUR WIFE IS DEAD!!!!
Herve: My wife?! My God! I.....I thought she already was dead!
[Pause]
Herve: Ooh, is this gonna be a zombie adventure??
[Longer pause]
Herve: Oh......oh shit, you're not actually talking to me, are you?
Chronos: No, I was talking to Piett.
Piett: Wait, what? My wife? Lucy?
Chronos: Yes. She's dead, and--
Piett: Isn't she already dead?
Herve: Yeah, I seem to remember that.
Chronos: Dead already? Nonsense! She just died now!
[Pause]
Piett: Ooh, are we not in the part of the timeline when she died for good? The part after Chronos went all insidous and brilliantly evil and then got killed himself?
Chronos: Wait wha who buh??
Herve: Wait a tic, shouldn't he know this? Master of time and all?
Piett: I think the "master" bit has always been just a title only.
[Piett and Herve look back at Chronos, who as he picks his nose and inspects his finger, wonders if he should consume it...]
Piett: Yeah. An empty title.
[Not wanting to know what the results of Chronos' nasal expedition are, Piett and Herve leap up from their comfy sofa and bound off to the main chambers of the mansion. There sits Cosmos, examining and monitoring his numerous television windows into the multitude of universes.]
Herve: Dude, Cosmos must have no soul at all staring at all those evil TVs.
Piett: STOP IT!
Cosmos: Ah, you're here. I suppose you've heard the news.
Piett: Yeah, apparently my wife's dead or something?
Cosmos: Indeed. But not just her. 24 other people you've encountered over the years are all dead as well.
Herve: 25, huh? That number is.....stunningly dangerous to me now.
Piett: Really?
Herve: Nah. It's just a number. If it were an age, it would be STILL INCREDIBLY AND WONDERFULLY YOUNG.
Piett: Volume control, asshole.
Herve: Sorry.
Cosmos: Regardless, 25 people are dead, including YOUR wife, Piett!
Piett: But should I really complain? Decent sex, sure, but she *was* the sister of the devil.
Chronos: "Decent?"
Piett: It.....[sighs]......to be honest, it was getting less spectacular and more lackluster as time went on. Plus I'm kinda over the whole redhead thing.
Herve: Seriously?? So no more redheads? Not even....[gasps]....Doctor Who's Amy Pond?
[All 4 stop and kinda swoon.]
Piett: No, no! No more redheads. Probably going go for blonde.....or brownish blonde.....
[Another great pause, as Piett just stands still and silent.]
Chronos: He go braindead, finally?
Piett: This......this makes no sense.
Herve: Of course it doesn't. It never has made any sense.
Piett: No, I mean--
Herve: So who else are we looking at here, Cosmos?
Cosmos: Numerous people you've encountered over the years.
[Cosmos immediately waves his hand, and the faces of 25 people appear on the television screens before them. There is a pause.]
Piett: I don't recognize any of those people.
Chronos: Really? Even your wife?
Piett: Well of course I recognize her.
Herve: I don't see her.
Piett: It's the picture with just her rack. I'd know those monsters anywhere.
[Herve and Chronos stare for a few moments at that image, then with Piett they move their eyes toward Cosmos.]
Cosmos: What. [pause] So I like tits. I'm not apologizing for that.
Herve: Oh Cosmos, you scamp. [laughs in a silly sitcom manner] But seriously, she's dead and that's just wrong. Give it at least a few minutes, man.
Piett: Who are these other people??
Herve: Well, there's......er.....and......um, the guy with the face there, don't forget him....uh.....
Cosmos: Wait, you forgot who all these people are? Or no, wait, maybe the guy writing this forgot them?
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Herve: Well that's odd. Usually those squiggly ASCII signs show up, Walsh pops in and says something snarky as he was reacting to us, and then it comes back to us as we kinda don't acknowledge he shows up.
Piett: We really don't remember these people. [to Cosmos] Do *you* remember them?
Cosmos: This isn't about me, Firmus, it's about--
Piett: HYPOCRITE!
Herve: So we have to investigate the deaths of 25 people we apparently knew or didn't know?
Chronos: 24 and your wife, Piett.
Piett & Herve: WE KNOW!
Herve: Ugh, this isn't another rewriting reality adventure to cover up Walsh's own memory gaps, is it? I fucking hate those.
Piett: Ok, hold on. I tried to say it earlier, but you interuppted me, but I'm starting to see something here...
Herve: The crap we've been engulfed in for the last 15 years or so?
Piett: Already used to that. No, there's....something else here. Something........strange.
Herve: Strange or stupid?
Piett [ponders]:..........both.
Herve: Well, at least that story element is still intact.
Piett: I know how to test this. [yells] Fourth World!
[Suddenly BOOM!! a Boom Tube opens up, and out leaps Darkseid the Dark God of Apokalips. He is a large white man, wearing a black robe and kinda looking like Emperor Palpatine. A few moments pass; in fact one could describe it as a...]
....GREAT PAUSE....
[Until finally...]
Piett: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!?
Darkseid: I'm Darkseid. Don't you recognize me?
Herve: You are NOT Darkseid!! He looks nothing like this! What IS happening here?!?
Piett: Oh Gods of Kobol, tell me this isn't what I dread it is...
Herve: What?! What do you dread?!
[Suddenly reality all around them begins to shimmer and flicker. Cosmos, Chronos, the mansion, Darkseid......within a confused flash, they all dissipate as the 2 quantum heroes suddenly find themselves in a residential home bedroom, far from where they thought they once were. They look on in horror as the reality of their grim situation becomes quite clear, as Piett points at what his dreadful prediction is: they see a young blonde woman, sitting, writing.......THIS.]
Piett: .......OH MY GOD SOMEONE OTHER THAN WALSH AND PONTE IS WRITING THIS STORY!!!!
Herve: AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!!
[Herve, grabbing his hair in reaction to his hideous revelation, screams, runs and jumps out a window. Piett is terrified at the apparent syndication of Quantum Piett, but stops and thinks.]
Piett: I think this may be the first time Herve has screamed in abject horror in the presence of a legit hot girl.
Girl: Curses! I've lost control of the story!
Piett: Aha! We've....foiled your plot? [confused] Have we?
Smashley: Dammit, how am I supposed to know what some obscure comic book villain that Sean only knows looks like?!
Piett: Wikipedia! And forget this banter, who the HELL are you?!?
Girl: My name is Smashley!
[Pause]
Piett: "Smashley?" Who names their kid "Smashley?"
Smashley: With your companion out of the way, it's time for my master plan to unfold!
Piett: But I foiled it already! Didn't I? Blast!
Smashley: My master plan, Mr. Piett.....is YOU!
Piett: Wha?
Smashley: I want you, Firmus Piett!
[Piett looks around, confused. He turns back, and points to himself questionably.]
Smashley: I'm obsessed with you, with everything you do and are! I've read all your stories!
Piett: Even Ponte's stories?
Smashley: Even Ponte's.
Herve [crawling back up the side of the house]: AHHHHH!!!! [falls]
Smashley: I even have an altar to you....look!
[Smashley runs and opens her closet, and Piett is shocked to indeed see an altar adorned with photos of Piett, lit candles (that has to be a safety concern) and what appears to be the tattered remains of a dead hooker sacrifice.]
Piett: Oh, that poor dead hooker...I'll bet she was one of those who was legit looking to get out of the business and advance her life, too. [a tear comes to his eye]
Smashley: Forget the dead hooker! It's YOU I need to have!!
[Smashley suddenly lunges at Piett, and he screams and runs. They run around the room in a circle like a Benny Hill skit, jumping over furniture and what not. At one point, she grabs one of the dead hooker's arm and heaves it at him; he catches it and sobs a little more for her. But finally, after much pointlessness has been achieved, Piett stops.]
Piett: Wait a minute......this girl is freakin' hot. Why the hell am I fighting this???
[He slows down and Smashley tackles him, where they both land on the bed. She pulls off all his clothing, then hers, and then....well, you can guess...]
*******
[Moments later, Herve crawls back up toward and into the window, but freezes in place as he sees what is happening before him.]
Herve: GOOD LORD!!! I've wandered into a porno! [pause] Wait, that's the chick.....AND PIETT?!? [pause] Holy shit, he's really going to town on that girl. Give it to her, man, go! WOO!! [pause] Wait....why does Piett look like Walsh? [pause] Is she MAKING him look like that? Or.....oh God, has he ALWAYS meant to look like Walsh?!? [not-so-great pause] AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! [grabs his eyes, and a loss of balance sends him falling out the window again]
*******
[Some time later.....minutes, hours, days? how long can he go for?!.....Herve and Piett are quitely walking down the street. They say nothing for the longest time.]
Herve: So are we talking about this?
Piett: I tend not to talk about my conquests.
Herve: Oh you are such a liar. SPILL.
Piett: It was.......really damn good.
Herve: Evidently. You even turned into Walsh there for a second.
Piett: That still creeps me out.
Herve: She certainly enjoyed it. That was some good high quality sex.
[Pause]
Herve: .....although killing her certainly deducted a few points.
Piett: Ugh, this is why I didn't want to talk about it.
Herve: Why DID you kill her?
Piett: I didn't mean to!! I mean....I *did* tell her I don't.....you know....release well....
Herve: And now we know what happens when you do, it seems. Lethal semen. [shudders] Wait, didn't you have a kid at one point? [shrugs] Oh well. At least we didn't have to drag the body far.
Piett: Did you have to actually drag her?
Herve: It's an interesting visual.
Piett: "Interesting." More like "disturbing beyond fucking belief."
Herve: More disturbing than burying her in a makeshift grave in that cemetery near her house?
Piett: There was an empty grave already dug, like, 10 feet away, man. You could've just--
Herve: A man like me doesn't pass up the chance to dig a makeshift grave. EVER.
[Pause]
Piett: What a dark ending.
Herve: Oh, come on. You know how fantastically bizarre our adventures are. No one ever stays dead for long...[aside]...then again, no one reads them either.
Piett: One person did. [sighs] One person did....
[As the two walk away into the darkness, we pan back - let's pretend this is a movie for a moment - to the cemetery, and the makeshift grave of Smashley. As a terribly cliched lightning bolt and thunder suddenly erupt in the background, an arm bursts through the ground, and its fist shakes vociferously in the air.]
*to be continued?!?!?*
Piett: No.
Herve: No.
Piett: Definitely don't.
Herve: World of hurt there, my friend.
Piett: No.
Herve: Just.....just no...
*fin*
Herve: Better...
Friday, May 21, 2010
Quantum Piett Turns 30. Sorta.
[May 21, 2010. 2 men are walking toward a set of stairs descending into a grand dwelling. One is carrying several boxes, the other is smoking a cigarette. Suddenly the smoker stops.]
Herve: ...OH MY GOD IT'S TECHNICALLY YOUR 30TH BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!
[The scream bewilders the man carrying the boxes and he trips and falls down the stairs.]
Piett: Oh Jesus Christ fuaaaaAAAAAAA!!!!!
[Hilarious looking calamity ensues as boxes and Piett tumble in a hideous mess. Herve writhes in pain as he looks on, then puts his cigarette out under his foot.]
Herve: Too sudden?
Piett: .....
QUANTUM PIETT TURNS 30. SORTA.
[In another place, some hours later. Piett sits at a darkened circular table, his face only slightly illuminated by dim light above. He is alone, but not for long. Several men enter the room, and like Piett their identities are only slightly visible to each other.]
Piett: Gentlemen, let us dispense with the pleasantries and commence the meeting. Are we all in attendance?
Captain Needa: Aye.
General Rieekan: Here.
Dengar: Yeah.
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: Yo.
Lobot: {nods}
Landozzel: Landozzel here.
Piett: Landozzel?! What are you doing here?!?
Landozzel: It makes perfect sense. I'm a combination of not only 2 random Star Wars characters, but characters both from the same movie. [pause] Which is why we're all here. [pause] Today. [pause] Right?
Lobot: {facepalms}
Piett: Way to spoil the connection, asshole. Yes, as my astute colleague has now said before I was going to, we are all here to commemorate the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back. And, in essence, the 30th anniversary of all of us. And that is why.....we must unite to save the world!!
Lobot: {confused}
General Rieekan: I agree with the bald calculator. What?
Piett: It has been 30 years since the release of The Empire Strikes Back. In the years that have transpired, it has become THE greatest film of the saga. However, in the years that have transpired, the prequels have also been released.
Dengar: Boo!!
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: Hssss!!!
Lobot: {thumbs down}
Landozzel: Well, except for Episode 3 which was pretty great.
Piett: That's enough. The prequels have utterly tarnished the grandeur of the saga. And in the day when young children have Clone Wars cartoons and shitty novels with weird aliejns destroying everything and everyone hating Jedi again or whatever, they do not appreciate the original trilogy OR its greatest chapter! So in order to save the world from forgetting the legacy of Empire - of OUR movie! - we must unite and take action to make sure the world never forgets!
Landozzel: But it's Empire, man. How can anything tarnish that? Or even overshadow it?
Piett: Mankind these days can find ways. Easily. Observe.
[Piett leans down and picks up a laptop. After acquiring a wifi signal, he logs onto the internet and loads a page, then slides the device over to Landozzel. He sits and stares at Google.com for a few moments, uncertain as to what he should be reacting--]
Landozzel: OH MY GOD YOU CAN PLAY PAC-MAN ON THE GOOGLE LOGO!!!
Piett: Clearly Empire Strikes Back has lost its luster. Which is why we need to remind people, though an amazing act, that it is greater than they think or remember.
General Rieekan: This is awful. Just.....awful. And it reeks of evil. If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were knee deep in some villainous scheme to kill kids or cancer patients or something.
Piett: Dude, I'm a hero. Walsh would never write me as a villain.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Sean Walsh: Yeah. Never. Hee.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Dengar: Who's Walsh?
Lobot: {shrugs}
Dengar: Hey, why don't you talk?
Piett: Lucas didn't give him any lines. So he's destined to never speak. Ever.
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: I didn't have any lines. And I'm talking. What's up with that?
Piett: Actually, what's up with you even being here?
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: I got the eVite invitation.
Piett: Who still uses eVite??
Captain Needa: I might still use eVite.
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: And could we stop calling me "That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason." I have a name.
Piett: YOU have a name?? They gave YOU a name?!?
Landozzel: Dude, they give *everyone* names now. All the cantina patrons, random Ewoks, even people who used to be called "Amanaman" and "Prune Face." Gotta keep the merchandising alive somehow.
Willrow Hood: Yeah. That includes me. See? It just got updated. Thank you. And I have an action figure too.
Piett: You have.....?
[Pause]
[Piett takes out a gun and shoots Willrow Hood dead.]
Dengar: Oh shit!
General Rieekan: You racist! You just killed our only black guy!
Landozzel: Hey!
Captain Needa: You Rebels and your foolish racial sensitivity. That is why the Empire will win this conflict.
[Piett leans over and whispers something into Needa's ear. A look of horror overcomes his face.]
Needa: They DO?!?
Landozzel [whispers to Lobot]: Man, the continuity is just all over the place in this one, man.
Lobot: {begrudgingly agrees}
*******
[Some time later, Piett and his group of allies reappear across the street from the Arclight Cinema in Hollywood, California, where a gala event is underway. Paparazzi, actors, crazed fans with lightsabers....]
Piett: Wait a minute, lightsabers?
Lobot: {points feverishly}
[All eyes gaze on the sign that Lobot points to and gasp.]
Captain Needa: This is a Star Wars event!
General Rieekan: A SCREENING of Empire Strikes Back!!
Piett: What the.....but this is where we were supposed to go......is this even....
Dengar: So something bad happens here and we have to save these people?
Landozzel: It sounds like it. We clearly have to save the world at a Star Wars event and then everyone will remember us and the movie in a whole new and heroic way!
Piett: Unless......no.....no, don't you all see......the event IS what has to be stopped!
Landozzel: That makes no sense.
Lobot: {horribly confused now}
Piett: I know.....but trust me, it DOES!! Clearly there is something amiss here and it must be stopped. And DESTROYED!!! Yes, yes it's so clear, can't you see?!?
[All gathered join Lobot in making a weird expression of shock and bafflement on their faces. Landozzel's eye catches another sign across the street.]
Landozzel: Wait a minute....this is a St. Jude Children's Hospital event too. They're researching cures for cancer, man...this CAN'T be evil...
Dengar: But have they found it yet? Really?
Landozzel: That's cold, you scum. COLD.
Captain Needa: The bounty hunter's snark reveals some semblance of sense.
General Rieekan: Of course it would, you Nazi.
Captain Needa: Ok, first off when you said "killing cancer patients" earlier.....you totally called this.
General Rieekan [begrudgingly]: Dammit, I kinda totally did.
Captain Needa: But my point is, maybe attacking this event will kickstart the medical community into doing something more about cancer. Think of all the attention this cause will gain, and think of the money people would donate.
Dengar: He's right! Think of all that money that went to 9/11 causes that the government still has stored away in warehouse and bank vaults! They made a ton of cash off that staged event!
Lobot: {.......clearly has had enough, and activates his jetpack and just flies away from this}
Piett: When did he get a jetpack??
Landozzel: I think the question is, why didn't we ever ask him if he had one all along?
Piett: This is stupid....this is all so.....WHAT THE HELL?!?
[Like Lobot before him, Piett feverishly points at another sign: the name of this event.]
Piett: "The Empire GIVES Back?!?" BULLSHIT! We STRIKE!!! WE STRIKE NOW!!!! COME ON!!!!
[An enraged Piett runs across the street, clearly ignoring common street laws. The others shrug and run after him. Piett shoves reporters and photographers alike,until he reaches a group of actors participating in this event: Harrison Ford, Billy Dee Williams, Peter Mayhew and Ewan McGregor. As the commotion begins to swell, and Piett's colleagues also push aside the crowd, he makes the first strike: Piett approaches Peter Mayhew, the actor who portrayed Chewbacca, and kicks his cane out from under him.]
Peter Mayhew: WhoaaaaAAAAAHHH!!!!!
[The 7-foot tall Englishman topples over and crashes on the ground. As he impacts, he explodes in a fiery and sensational fury!!]
General Rieekan: That was.....odd.
Captain Needa: Odd, but effective! LET'S KILL THEM ALL!!!
Landozzel: What....what the hell are you wearing?
Billy Dee Williams: Roscoe Lee Browne? Is that you??
Piett: You do look like Roscoe Lee Browne, now that he says it.
Landozzel: I absolutely do. Awesome. [coughs] I mean, what the hell is with that scarf?! You look like a black Charles Nelson Reilly!
[Seriously, Google this event and look at the picture of what Billy Dee Williams looked like and the fabulously disturbing scarf he was wearing.]
Billy Dee Williams: I don't know why you came back from the dead to compare me to another dead gay man, but I've had just about enough of you too!
[Landozzel and Billy Dee Williams throw punches, which land simultaenously. And in a bizarre puff of logic, both men disintegrate in a strange haze of dust and confusion.]
Captain Needa: Goodness! They're....dead???
General Rieekan: It looked like that scene from Timecop when Ron Silver came into contact with his past self and they both dissolved into time-goop.
[Suddenly a fist punches through Rieekan's chest, and a hand emerges from the other holding his still beating heart. Rieekan's body falls forward into a dead heap.]
Piett: No. Timecop. References.
Captain Needa: Right, no Timec.....nope, nope, none whatsoever.
Piett: Now, let CHAOS REIGN!!!
[Dengar nods, and pulls out that big giant gun he was holding in the Star Destroyer Executor scene which he never used because that's all we saw of him, and opens fire on the assembled crowd. Screams and blood are abound as the bandaged bounty hunter lays waste to all around him. Piett opens fire with his own weapon, while Captain Needa punches and kicks because his action figure didn't have any accessories of note that would do any good in a fight.]
Harrison Ford: What are you madmen doing?! I don't come out and talk about Star Wars all the time, you know?!
Piett: The real Harrison Ford would've kicked our asses before any of this began! You've lost it, Ford!
[Piett smashes Harrison Ford in the face with the butt of his gun, knocking him to the ground.]
Piett: That was for Indiana Jones 4, you bastard!!!
[Dengar continues to destroy all those still in range. But he is suddenly overwhelmed by 2 men - directors Jon Favreau (THURA: A SPACE ADVENTURE, IRON MAN 2 - IN THEATRES NOW!) and Christopher Nolan (THE DARK KNIGHT, INCEPTION - ALMOST IN THEATRES NOW!). They tackle him to the ground and seperate him from his big lasery boomstick. As Dengar shoves them aside and gets to his feet, the 2 directors grab the bandaging on Dengar's head and, like a May Day pole, begin to run around him.]
Dengar: No, don't do that! NOO!!!
[Quickly, Dengar begins to unwrap like a mummy. And within moments, there is nothing left but a pile of wrappings, his costume and a lifeless human face lying on the ground.]
Chris Nolan and Jon Favreau: We're AWESOME! [high five]
Chris Nolan: Oh man, think of how awesome a movie we both made together would be!
Jon Favreau: Or babies!
Chris Nolan: What?
Jon Favreau: I meant movie. Yeah. I'm sorry, got carried away there.
Chris Nolan: Come on, Jon! Let's go make a movie together!
[Chris Nolan and Jon Favreau clasp hands and skip away from the chaos and off to make a movie...]
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Sean Walsh: That movie was called Bio-Dome. I don't know how they went back in time to make it, but they did. They changed their names and made an awful piece of shit movie starring Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin. And bcause they knew it was a terrible box office failure, they committed suicide sometime later, I think. And if they didn't, THEY SHOULD.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[Meanwhile, the chaos is winding down, as the crowd of starlets and Hollywoodites is thinned incredibly quickly. After dispatching some weasely little bitch from E! Entertainment TV, Captain Needa locks eyes with "actress" and "singer" ...]
Captain Needa: Ashlee Simpson?! Oh, what a boon this will be, to kill someone of incredible uselessness!
[Suddenly a man quite literally jumps in between them.]
Pete Wentz: You'll have to go through me first, asshole!
Captain Needa: Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy? Pfeh. You're noth--
[As Needa approaches, Wentz suddenly spews radioactive bile into the captain's face. Needa screams and melts before their very eyes like that asshole doctor from ER in the first Robocop movie. Seriously. Go watch Robocop again. The goon who melts and gets hit by the truck is totally that prick Romano from ER.]
Pete Wentz: They don't call us Fallout Boy for nothing!
Captain Needa: I can't believe it....Pete Wentz is awesome....BLEAHHHGBBL!!!! [dies]
[With his last ally dead, and the hideous duo of Simpson & Wentz fleeing for their lives, Piett stands alone at ground zero of the Empire Gives Back fundraiser event.]
Ewan McGregor: And so, only we remain!
Piett: Obi-Wan Kenobi!
Ewan McGregor: Beware my Force powers, you murderous bastard!
[Suddenly, Ewan McGregor strikes....with a combination of faux-ninja moves, and a lot of annoying tacky yelling that makes him sound like Bruce Lee. Only he's British. And more out of shape than he was when he was making the prequels. Piett looks on as McGregor seriously tries to put a good effort into looking menacing. So Piett takes his gun and just shoots Ewan McGregor right between the eyes.]
Piett: It's over. [pause] IT'S OVER!!! I've done it! AND I killed a Jedi! Now NO ONE will never forget The Empire Strikes Back on May 21st EVER!!!
Harrison Ford: Actually....it's....May 19th....
Piett: I said [stomps Harrison Ford's head, presumably killing him dead this time] THAT WAS FOR INDIANA JONES 4!!!
[Pause]
Piett: Wait a minute...[checks his time device]...this IS May 19th! We're not even on the right day! So what happens on May 21..... [pause, looks around at all the corpses] Ooh shit.
[The sounds of police sirens, and even an LAPD helicopter, grow closer from the distance, as those not quite dead yet begin to hobble and drag themselves toward the incoming safety. Piett is flummoxed.]
Piett: He DID totally write me as the bad guy. Good grief......uh.......hey, wait. [yells] Fourth world!!
[A Boom Tube opens, revealing the dark god of Apokolips: Darkseid.]
Darkseid: Did someone say....hey wait, you DID say fourth world this time! Wha--
Piett: Run away!!
[Piett pushes Darkseid aside and leaps into his Boom Tube, which snaps shut behind him. Darkseid is stunned, then sees the carnage around him.]
Darkseid: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!?
******
[Meanwhile, on May 21st, 2010....the world is being attacked by pirate gorillas and Nazi dinosaurs. Insane chaos everywhere. Millions dead. And no one really leaping in to save the daARGHHHH!!!!]
Pirate Gorilla [pulling a sword out of the narrator's stomach]: Ahoy, me hearty. I thought this'd be a lot tougher, it'd be.
Tyrannosaurus Reich [translated from German - obviously]: I agree. This is almost....disappointing. The only resistance we've even encountered is....this midget standing before our armies. Let us kill him, yes?
Pirate Gorilla: Arrrr!
[The pirate gorilla and Nazi dinosaur armies descend on the single miniscule man, flossing his teeth and wearing an Empire Strikes Back t-shirt no less.]
Herve: Heh.
******
Epilogue: 6 months later, on The Oprah Winfrey Show...
Oprah: Ladies, my next guest is a world-class humanitarian and a literary sensation. As well as being the most significant donor to finding the cure for cancer in the history of the world, his new book, "Bounty Hunters ARE Scum," has been atop every best sellers list for the last 2 months. And he's giving his first interview exclusive to the world here today! He'll also be adding his insight to being part of the MOST important film in motion picture history as well as his personal connections with the hero of the May 21st Nazi-Simian War. Please welcome............Lobot!
Lobot: {appreciatively waves}
*fin*
Herve: ...OH MY GOD IT'S TECHNICALLY YOUR 30TH BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!
[The scream bewilders the man carrying the boxes and he trips and falls down the stairs.]
Piett: Oh Jesus Christ fuaaaaAAAAAAA!!!!!
[Hilarious looking calamity ensues as boxes and Piett tumble in a hideous mess. Herve writhes in pain as he looks on, then puts his cigarette out under his foot.]
Herve: Too sudden?
Piett: .....
QUANTUM PIETT TURNS 30. SORTA.
[In another place, some hours later. Piett sits at a darkened circular table, his face only slightly illuminated by dim light above. He is alone, but not for long. Several men enter the room, and like Piett their identities are only slightly visible to each other.]
Piett: Gentlemen, let us dispense with the pleasantries and commence the meeting. Are we all in attendance?
Captain Needa: Aye.
General Rieekan: Here.
Dengar: Yeah.
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: Yo.
Lobot: {nods}
Landozzel: Landozzel here.
Piett: Landozzel?! What are you doing here?!?
Landozzel: It makes perfect sense. I'm a combination of not only 2 random Star Wars characters, but characters both from the same movie. [pause] Which is why we're all here. [pause] Today. [pause] Right?
Lobot: {facepalms}
Piett: Way to spoil the connection, asshole. Yes, as my astute colleague has now said before I was going to, we are all here to commemorate the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back. And, in essence, the 30th anniversary of all of us. And that is why.....we must unite to save the world!!
Lobot: {confused}
General Rieekan: I agree with the bald calculator. What?
Piett: It has been 30 years since the release of The Empire Strikes Back. In the years that have transpired, it has become THE greatest film of the saga. However, in the years that have transpired, the prequels have also been released.
Dengar: Boo!!
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: Hssss!!!
Lobot: {thumbs down}
Landozzel: Well, except for Episode 3 which was pretty great.
Piett: That's enough. The prequels have utterly tarnished the grandeur of the saga. And in the day when young children have Clone Wars cartoons and shitty novels with weird aliejns destroying everything and everyone hating Jedi again or whatever, they do not appreciate the original trilogy OR its greatest chapter! So in order to save the world from forgetting the legacy of Empire - of OUR movie! - we must unite and take action to make sure the world never forgets!
Landozzel: But it's Empire, man. How can anything tarnish that? Or even overshadow it?
Piett: Mankind these days can find ways. Easily. Observe.
[Piett leans down and picks up a laptop. After acquiring a wifi signal, he logs onto the internet and loads a page, then slides the device over to Landozzel. He sits and stares at Google.com for a few moments, uncertain as to what he should be reacting--]
Landozzel: OH MY GOD YOU CAN PLAY PAC-MAN ON THE GOOGLE LOGO!!!
Piett: Clearly Empire Strikes Back has lost its luster. Which is why we need to remind people, though an amazing act, that it is greater than they think or remember.
General Rieekan: This is awful. Just.....awful. And it reeks of evil. If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were knee deep in some villainous scheme to kill kids or cancer patients or something.
Piett: Dude, I'm a hero. Walsh would never write me as a villain.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Sean Walsh: Yeah. Never. Hee.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Dengar: Who's Walsh?
Lobot: {shrugs}
Dengar: Hey, why don't you talk?
Piett: Lucas didn't give him any lines. So he's destined to never speak. Ever.
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: I didn't have any lines. And I'm talking. What's up with that?
Piett: Actually, what's up with you even being here?
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: I got the eVite invitation.
Piett: Who still uses eVite??
Captain Needa: I might still use eVite.
That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason: And could we stop calling me "That guy on Cloud City running with a ice cream maker for some reason." I have a name.
Piett: YOU have a name?? They gave YOU a name?!?
Landozzel: Dude, they give *everyone* names now. All the cantina patrons, random Ewoks, even people who used to be called "Amanaman" and "Prune Face." Gotta keep the merchandising alive somehow.
Willrow Hood: Yeah. That includes me. See? It just got updated. Thank you. And I have an action figure too.
Piett: You have.....?
[Pause]
[Piett takes out a gun and shoots Willrow Hood dead.]
Dengar: Oh shit!
General Rieekan: You racist! You just killed our only black guy!
Landozzel: Hey!
Captain Needa: You Rebels and your foolish racial sensitivity. That is why the Empire will win this conflict.
[Piett leans over and whispers something into Needa's ear. A look of horror overcomes his face.]
Needa: They DO?!?
Landozzel [whispers to Lobot]: Man, the continuity is just all over the place in this one, man.
Lobot: {begrudgingly agrees}
*******
[Some time later, Piett and his group of allies reappear across the street from the Arclight Cinema in Hollywood, California, where a gala event is underway. Paparazzi, actors, crazed fans with lightsabers....]
Piett: Wait a minute, lightsabers?
Lobot: {points feverishly}
[All eyes gaze on the sign that Lobot points to and gasp.]
Captain Needa: This is a Star Wars event!
General Rieekan: A SCREENING of Empire Strikes Back!!
Piett: What the.....but this is where we were supposed to go......is this even....
Dengar: So something bad happens here and we have to save these people?
Landozzel: It sounds like it. We clearly have to save the world at a Star Wars event and then everyone will remember us and the movie in a whole new and heroic way!
Piett: Unless......no.....no, don't you all see......the event IS what has to be stopped!
Landozzel: That makes no sense.
Lobot: {horribly confused now}
Piett: I know.....but trust me, it DOES!! Clearly there is something amiss here and it must be stopped. And DESTROYED!!! Yes, yes it's so clear, can't you see?!?
[All gathered join Lobot in making a weird expression of shock and bafflement on their faces. Landozzel's eye catches another sign across the street.]
Landozzel: Wait a minute....this is a St. Jude Children's Hospital event too. They're researching cures for cancer, man...this CAN'T be evil...
Dengar: But have they found it yet? Really?
Landozzel: That's cold, you scum. COLD.
Captain Needa: The bounty hunter's snark reveals some semblance of sense.
General Rieekan: Of course it would, you Nazi.
Captain Needa: Ok, first off when you said "killing cancer patients" earlier.....you totally called this.
General Rieekan [begrudgingly]: Dammit, I kinda totally did.
Captain Needa: But my point is, maybe attacking this event will kickstart the medical community into doing something more about cancer. Think of all the attention this cause will gain, and think of the money people would donate.
Dengar: He's right! Think of all that money that went to 9/11 causes that the government still has stored away in warehouse and bank vaults! They made a ton of cash off that staged event!
Lobot: {.......clearly has had enough, and activates his jetpack and just flies away from this}
Piett: When did he get a jetpack??
Landozzel: I think the question is, why didn't we ever ask him if he had one all along?
Piett: This is stupid....this is all so.....WHAT THE HELL?!?
[Like Lobot before him, Piett feverishly points at another sign: the name of this event.]
Piett: "The Empire GIVES Back?!?" BULLSHIT! We STRIKE!!! WE STRIKE NOW!!!! COME ON!!!!
[An enraged Piett runs across the street, clearly ignoring common street laws. The others shrug and run after him. Piett shoves reporters and photographers alike,until he reaches a group of actors participating in this event: Harrison Ford, Billy Dee Williams, Peter Mayhew and Ewan McGregor. As the commotion begins to swell, and Piett's colleagues also push aside the crowd, he makes the first strike: Piett approaches Peter Mayhew, the actor who portrayed Chewbacca, and kicks his cane out from under him.]
Peter Mayhew: WhoaaaaAAAAAHHH!!!!!
[The 7-foot tall Englishman topples over and crashes on the ground. As he impacts, he explodes in a fiery and sensational fury!!]
General Rieekan: That was.....odd.
Captain Needa: Odd, but effective! LET'S KILL THEM ALL!!!
Landozzel: What....what the hell are you wearing?
Billy Dee Williams: Roscoe Lee Browne? Is that you??
Piett: You do look like Roscoe Lee Browne, now that he says it.
Landozzel: I absolutely do. Awesome. [coughs] I mean, what the hell is with that scarf?! You look like a black Charles Nelson Reilly!
[Seriously, Google this event and look at the picture of what Billy Dee Williams looked like and the fabulously disturbing scarf he was wearing.]
Billy Dee Williams: I don't know why you came back from the dead to compare me to another dead gay man, but I've had just about enough of you too!
[Landozzel and Billy Dee Williams throw punches, which land simultaenously. And in a bizarre puff of logic, both men disintegrate in a strange haze of dust and confusion.]
Captain Needa: Goodness! They're....dead???
General Rieekan: It looked like that scene from Timecop when Ron Silver came into contact with his past self and they both dissolved into time-goop.
[Suddenly a fist punches through Rieekan's chest, and a hand emerges from the other holding his still beating heart. Rieekan's body falls forward into a dead heap.]
Piett: No. Timecop. References.
Captain Needa: Right, no Timec.....nope, nope, none whatsoever.
Piett: Now, let CHAOS REIGN!!!
[Dengar nods, and pulls out that big giant gun he was holding in the Star Destroyer Executor scene which he never used because that's all we saw of him, and opens fire on the assembled crowd. Screams and blood are abound as the bandaged bounty hunter lays waste to all around him. Piett opens fire with his own weapon, while Captain Needa punches and kicks because his action figure didn't have any accessories of note that would do any good in a fight.]
Harrison Ford: What are you madmen doing?! I don't come out and talk about Star Wars all the time, you know?!
Piett: The real Harrison Ford would've kicked our asses before any of this began! You've lost it, Ford!
[Piett smashes Harrison Ford in the face with the butt of his gun, knocking him to the ground.]
Piett: That was for Indiana Jones 4, you bastard!!!
[Dengar continues to destroy all those still in range. But he is suddenly overwhelmed by 2 men - directors Jon Favreau (THURA: A SPACE ADVENTURE, IRON MAN 2 - IN THEATRES NOW!) and Christopher Nolan (THE DARK KNIGHT, INCEPTION - ALMOST IN THEATRES NOW!). They tackle him to the ground and seperate him from his big lasery boomstick. As Dengar shoves them aside and gets to his feet, the 2 directors grab the bandaging on Dengar's head and, like a May Day pole, begin to run around him.]
Dengar: No, don't do that! NOO!!!
[Quickly, Dengar begins to unwrap like a mummy. And within moments, there is nothing left but a pile of wrappings, his costume and a lifeless human face lying on the ground.]
Chris Nolan and Jon Favreau: We're AWESOME! [high five]
Chris Nolan: Oh man, think of how awesome a movie we both made together would be!
Jon Favreau: Or babies!
Chris Nolan: What?
Jon Favreau: I meant movie. Yeah. I'm sorry, got carried away there.
Chris Nolan: Come on, Jon! Let's go make a movie together!
[Chris Nolan and Jon Favreau clasp hands and skip away from the chaos and off to make a movie...]
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Sean Walsh: That movie was called Bio-Dome. I don't know how they went back in time to make it, but they did. They changed their names and made an awful piece of shit movie starring Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin. And bcause they knew it was a terrible box office failure, they committed suicide sometime later, I think. And if they didn't, THEY SHOULD.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[Meanwhile, the chaos is winding down, as the crowd of starlets and Hollywoodites is thinned incredibly quickly. After dispatching some weasely little bitch from E! Entertainment TV, Captain Needa locks eyes with "actress" and "singer" ...]
Captain Needa: Ashlee Simpson?! Oh, what a boon this will be, to kill someone of incredible uselessness!
[Suddenly a man quite literally jumps in between them.]
Pete Wentz: You'll have to go through me first, asshole!
Captain Needa: Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy? Pfeh. You're noth--
[As Needa approaches, Wentz suddenly spews radioactive bile into the captain's face. Needa screams and melts before their very eyes like that asshole doctor from ER in the first Robocop movie. Seriously. Go watch Robocop again. The goon who melts and gets hit by the truck is totally that prick Romano from ER.]
Pete Wentz: They don't call us Fallout Boy for nothing!
Captain Needa: I can't believe it....Pete Wentz is awesome....BLEAHHHGBBL!!!! [dies]
[With his last ally dead, and the hideous duo of Simpson & Wentz fleeing for their lives, Piett stands alone at ground zero of the Empire Gives Back fundraiser event.]
Ewan McGregor: And so, only we remain!
Piett: Obi-Wan Kenobi!
Ewan McGregor: Beware my Force powers, you murderous bastard!
[Suddenly, Ewan McGregor strikes....with a combination of faux-ninja moves, and a lot of annoying tacky yelling that makes him sound like Bruce Lee. Only he's British. And more out of shape than he was when he was making the prequels. Piett looks on as McGregor seriously tries to put a good effort into looking menacing. So Piett takes his gun and just shoots Ewan McGregor right between the eyes.]
Piett: It's over. [pause] IT'S OVER!!! I've done it! AND I killed a Jedi! Now NO ONE will never forget The Empire Strikes Back on May 21st EVER!!!
Harrison Ford: Actually....it's....May 19th....
Piett: I said [stomps Harrison Ford's head, presumably killing him dead this time] THAT WAS FOR INDIANA JONES 4!!!
[Pause]
Piett: Wait a minute...[checks his time device]...this IS May 19th! We're not even on the right day! So what happens on May 21..... [pause, looks around at all the corpses] Ooh shit.
[The sounds of police sirens, and even an LAPD helicopter, grow closer from the distance, as those not quite dead yet begin to hobble and drag themselves toward the incoming safety. Piett is flummoxed.]
Piett: He DID totally write me as the bad guy. Good grief......uh.......hey, wait. [yells] Fourth world!!
[A Boom Tube opens, revealing the dark god of Apokolips: Darkseid.]
Darkseid: Did someone say....hey wait, you DID say fourth world this time! Wha--
Piett: Run away!!
[Piett pushes Darkseid aside and leaps into his Boom Tube, which snaps shut behind him. Darkseid is stunned, then sees the carnage around him.]
Darkseid: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!?
******
[Meanwhile, on May 21st, 2010....the world is being attacked by pirate gorillas and Nazi dinosaurs. Insane chaos everywhere. Millions dead. And no one really leaping in to save the daARGHHHH!!!!]
Pirate Gorilla [pulling a sword out of the narrator's stomach]: Ahoy, me hearty. I thought this'd be a lot tougher, it'd be.
Tyrannosaurus Reich [translated from German - obviously]: I agree. This is almost....disappointing. The only resistance we've even encountered is....this midget standing before our armies. Let us kill him, yes?
Pirate Gorilla: Arrrr!
[The pirate gorilla and Nazi dinosaur armies descend on the single miniscule man, flossing his teeth and wearing an Empire Strikes Back t-shirt no less.]
Herve: Heh.
******
Epilogue: 6 months later, on The Oprah Winfrey Show...
Oprah: Ladies, my next guest is a world-class humanitarian and a literary sensation. As well as being the most significant donor to finding the cure for cancer in the history of the world, his new book, "Bounty Hunters ARE Scum," has been atop every best sellers list for the last 2 months. And he's giving his first interview exclusive to the world here today! He'll also be adding his insight to being part of the MOST important film in motion picture history as well as his personal connections with the hero of the May 21st Nazi-Simian War. Please welcome............Lobot!
Lobot: {appreciatively waves}
*fin*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
