SPHCACTTTSTCOAOTHAB Part 5: And Then They Realize They Don't Know How to Land the Damn Thing.

[You know the set up by now: Piett, Herve, Cosmos and Chronos are travelling through the Space/Time Continuum on a old timey hot air balloon. After bizarro madness featuring Space Mayans, McDonaldLand and Family Guy-esque cutaway gags, they are scot free and on their way home to the grand mansion they call home, headquarters, rec room and toilet. Herve walks along the craft's bridge, actually taking in the majestic view of the Continuum for a change, and encounters Piett, who is sipping a cool drink.]

Herve: You know, I'm really glad this whole adventure didn't do more with the Five Weeks in a Balloon movie premise.
Piett: Oh, it did.
Herve: Say what now?
Piett: Yeah. Like, 2 hours in I saw another craft following us. Some Montgolfier monstrosity populated by sheiks, slave girls, traders, pirates, African warriors, British explorers and a chimpanzee, Pretty sure I saw Sir Cedric Hardwicke too, looking as bored and insulted as he did in that movie.
Herve: And what happened to them?
Piett: I shot their balloon with my ray gun and they fell into a black hole.
Herve: Bless you, sir. Wait.....are you drinking a mint julep?
Piett: It is.
Herve: How did you make a mint julep?
Piett: We have a bar.

[Shocked pause.]

Herve: [angrily repeats] WE HAVE A BAR.
Piett: Yes.
Herve: Why didn't you say anything about the presence of liquor on this vessel earlier?!?
Piett: Why should I? The tell-tale signs were all there. Especially the one marked "Cosmos and Chronos have been obviously drunk for most of this voyage." Herve: They.....I thought they were sick from floating around in an old timey balloon for what seems like a week!!
Piett: Maybe. Or maybe *I've* been drunk. This whole adventure has been a little too oddly cosmic and stupid to be explained as being just cosmic and stupid.
Chronos: Guys, we're landing.
Herve: Well good, drunkie. We'll finally be done with this multi-part mess and I can get some shut-eye in my very firm and stable apartment.
Chronos: And by landing, I mean "we have no idea how to land it, but it's going down and we have no idea how to land it."
Piett: What?! [drops his mint julep] OH GOD MY MINT JULEP!
Herve: Well where's the manual on how to fly this damned thing?!
Cosmos: It's all in Chitauri. [hands the book to Herve] I'm going with that as their name of their language as well as the name of their race.
Herve: Fucking reptilians!!!
Piett: And there's a note. In English, oddly enough. [clears throat] Dear Space-Time Continuum svine.

[Cosmos and Herve seem to sink in place. Chronos' head perks up and his eyes widen.]

Cosmos and Herve [horrified]: What.
Chronos [giddy]: Keep reading!
Piett [clears throat]: "Ve hope you have been enjoying your escapades in zis marvelous contraption. Unfortunately you vill discover upon final approach to your..." Jewzen?..."lair zat ze landing mechanisms of zis craft have been, how you say, disabled un destroyed. Enjoy your fiery death un enjoy your eternity in your damnable..." geez, that word "Jewzen" again...."Valhalla. Sincerely.......oh no.
Chronos: SAY IT!!! YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAYS!!!

[Piett can't bring himself to do it. Chronos grabs the note and finishes it.]

Chronos: Sincerely.....Space Hitler!!!! [throws the note down fiercely] I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!!

[Cosmos, Piett and Herve sigh, as their each give Chronos a 20-oz bottle of Pepsi Next.]

Chronos: Payoff is a BITCH! Land this shit on your own, sons! [leaves the bridge to drink his Pepsi Nexts]
Herve: At least tell me Walsh got a check for this Pepsi Next advertising.
Piett: If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?
Herve: Probably not.
Cosmos [to self]: Really? Piett: And there's your answer in this case too.
Herve: Idiot.

[Herve punches himself in the dick.]

Herve: NGARHGH!!!
Piett: Ok, Walsh, OK!!!
Cosmos: Can we stop the silly banter and LAND THE GOD DAMN OLD TIMEY HOT AIR BALLOON?!?!!!!
Piett: If only that clayamated Mark Twain was still here! I suspect he'd know how to land this thing?
Herve: Did we ever get an explanation for his appearance?
Piett: It was for an awful Adventures of Mark Twain reference that wasn't really worth it, really.

[Herve runs over to the chair where claymated Mark Twain was sitting.]

Herve: WAIT! [picks something up] Maybe you can use your magic, Cosmos, to revive this piece of clay and reanimated it into a clone of Mark Twain!
Piett: I don't think that's clay. I think that's poo.
Herve: It's CLAY!
Cosmos: I do magic? Huh. What the hell, let's give it a whirl.

[Moments later.]

Cosmos: I just gave life to a giant shit monster.
Piett: It wasn't clay.
Herve: Yeah, it was poo. I get that now.

[As the giant shit monster stumbles about, Cosmos goes to get rid of it somehow as Piett and Herve look out toward the mansion and ponder their fates.]

Piett and Herve [simultaneously]: I think I'd have rather gone out like they did in Knowing.

[Pause]

Piett: Can we hug again?
Herve: Please yes.

[They hug, as Cosmos, covered in shit from having given the shit monster the heave-ho, walks back toward them. Suddenly he sees something and runs to the bow of the craft. What covers him splashes onto the 2 huggers and they react.....accordingly.]

Piett: Jesus fuck!
Herve: Oh god!! It's in my eye! He got some of that sh--
Piett: It's clay! It was clay! Clay in your eye!! Please God, it was ALWAYS CLAY!!!!
Cosmos: You fools, LOOK!!!

[Herve and Piett wipe the.....clay.....off them and, as Chronos rejoins them all while sipping his Pepsi Next, Cosmos points out toward the approaching mansion of the Space-Time Continuum, and all (except Chronos) are quite surprised by what they see: a giant crowd of people with trucks, tents, and a plethora of other objects and things associated with an emmense Pepsi Next advertising campaign, situated on the grounds of the mansion.]

Chronos: Oh sweet, they showed.
Cosmos: Now is our chance. Herve! Steer the craft toward them!
Chronos: Wha?
Herve: Why are you asking the midget to steer the whopping big old timey hot air b--
Cosmos: JUST DO IT!!!!!

[Herve harumphs, grabs the giant wheel at the front of the bridge and steers the craft toward the crowd. Very quickly, the once teeming celebratory masses turn into a chaotic and screaming mob of victims as the craft approaches. Within moments, their fate is most clear: they are being used as a giant and living cushion for the old timey hot air balloon's rough landing. All flee, but not all succeed. The craft lands and a massacre commences. A giant Pepsi icon is crushed, and several people leap to certain cosmic deaths from the meteoroid that houses the mansion. The craft slides across the ground, smearing the blood of innocents across the rocky ground. On a balcony nearby, Cadmus - the house aide - sits in a lounge chair sipping a cool Nestea Sweet Tea. He promptly spits it out at the sight of all this awful carnage.]

Cadmus: THE HELL!!!! [looks at his Nestea Sweet Tea] I blame YOU for this, you monsterous creation! [throws the bottle away] PEPSI IS MY GOD!!!

[Suddenly an anchor smashes him in the head and knocks him out.]

Herve [from afar]: Hey, I found the anchor! [pause] Far too late for a lot of these people, it seems. [pause] And as I further postulate, I'm pretty sure we coulda just used this anchor to tether ourselves in the air and pull our way down. [pause] The gross amount of carnage was worth it, though.
Piett: Where did all these people come from?!
Chronos: So I'm a major sponsor of Pepsi Next and want to see it succeed. It's what I should've done for Crystal Pepsi.
Cosmos: You should be in marketing.
Chronos: What's that?
Cosmos: Never mind.

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Epilogue: December 21, 2012. 11:59 PM STCT.

Joe Q. Public: That means Space-Time Continuum Time.
Herve: I told you he'd be back.

[Piett, Herve, Cosmos, Chronos and a mass of other supporting characters sit around a television, awaiting the Mayan prophesy to come true. Cadmus walks by, serving people Pepsi Next, as life itself hangs in the balance.]

HG Wells: Wait, what time does 2012 happen on December 21, 2012? I figured it would've been earlier in the day.
Landozzel: And why are WE here? We're the bad guys.
Ben the Spider-Man: The Lord Jesus will embrace us whether we are heroes or villains nonetheless.
Supreme Pontiff Hook: Oh fuck, not another religious nut. Can't I just die with heathens and bastards in peace?

[Everyone just instinctively closes their eyes as the clock begins to slowly.......reach........the end.......of...................the day? December 21st gives in and December 22nd commences. Everyone opens their eyes.]

Chronos: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!

[Everyone laughs, while Cosmos snaps his fingers and kinda looks upset. Almost like he couldn't destroy the universe himself, being the master of space and all. Or even save it, because he's the master of space and they were just Mayans who went extinct or something. Huh. I think I really discovered a gaping hole in the logic of this entire story. Oh well. Wouldn't be the first. Anyway, the majority of the characters depart, leaving Herve and Piett sitting in front of the television, where FOX News adorns the screen.]

Herve: Hang on, we were about to die with FOX News on?! Good grief.
"Fair" and "balanced" Republican news anchor: And in breaking news [FOX News stinger hits] news from the cosmos, the planet Chitauri crashed into the planet Apokolips today.
Piett: FOX News has affiliates in space. So THAT's how they get the ratings.
"Fair" and "balanced" Republican news anchor: The Chitauri race, or "reptilians" as we can now call them because they're all dead and can't sue us for being careless bigots, were completely annihilated. Orion, the lord of Apokolips, released a statement to the press indicating that he was abdicating his throne in the wake of the calamity, concluding with a blunt "Fuck this, I quit." Moments later, his father Darkseid jumped back into power, releasing his own statement that simply read "WHAAAAAAAASUP!!!!!"

[Piett shuts off the TV and they both just sit there in silence.]

Herve: So it was THEIR 2012. I see.

[Pause]

Piett: I'm going to ignore the cosmic impossibility, shoddy timeline and pure stupidity of all that and just agree with that. Yeah. [walks out of this story]

*fin*

SPHCACTTTSTCOAOTHAB Part 4: That Old Cutaway Gag. Yeah, thanks for that, FAMILY GUY.

Piett: Uh oh. I think that was the wrong door.

Herve: And right into another cold open..

Piett: Wow. Going to the uncreative well so quickly for that old gag again?

Chronos: Gag? Who's gagging?

Herve: Oh. You're here.

Piett: So things must be ok then.

Cosmos: I guess? I don't really know what happened back there.

Herve: Back where? In the room with the TV monitors?

Cosmos [grabs Piett's arm]: They weren't vampires, were they?!

Herve, Piett and Chronos: NO!!!

Cosmos: Thank Christ.

Chronos: No. We saw you get distorted and zapped away someplace, and then you showed up here.

Piett: And where is here?

Cosmos: The hell if I know.

Herve: You're a piss bucket of confidence, aren't you?

Piett: Aren't you SUPPOSED to know these kinds of things? Where we are, where everything is...

Cosmos: You're right. But I don't. Ergo, I am concernedacus.

Herve: Concordently?

Cosmos: What?

Herve: Oh. I picked that word up along with "ergo" in the freaky TV room.

Piett: So....are we back in the pyramid?

Chronos: No. This is....someplace else.

Herve: Well, all wise ones, how do we (a) determine where we are, and (b) figure out how to get back to where we need to be?!

Cosmos: I don't--

 

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[Piett and Herve are on a battle field. Around them, sheep are firing weapons and charging into battle. Tanks manned with goat lob cannonfire back at them. In the air above, battalions of sheep and goat bombers dogfight above them. A sheep with a gas mask hurls a mustard gas cannister into an oncoming patrol of badgers and moles.]

Piett: This is all just very silly.

Herve: These sheep are fighting for their independence. You will respect them and their revolutionary plight, God dammit.

Piett: I don't respect the death camps.

Herve: As long as the checks clear, just gloss over that part when we tell others where we've been, okay?

 

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Cosmos: What the hell was that?!?

Herve: Holy.....were we just back in the Sheep Wars again, Piett?!

Piett: We were. [looks around] But we weren't. Where--

 

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Peter Griffin: It's like that time I was a member of the French Legion and had to sexually molest RuPaul.

 

[Pause]

 

Herve: Ok then.

Peter: What?

Herve: Do it.

Peter: Who...

Herve: Sexually molest RuPaul. Go ahead.

Peter: Uh...
Piett: DO IT.

 

[Long pause. Then, a cutaway to Peter Griffin, in a French Legionnaire uniform, doing unspeakably awful things to RuPaul.]

 

Peter [crying]: I hope you're happy, you crossdressing fiend! [loudly sobs] I - hope - you're - happy!!

 

[Back at the Griffin household, Peter comes out of his trance and looks around him in sudden horror.]

 

Peter: Oh my God!!!

 

[Peter and finds his family dead all around him. Lois is hanging from the ceiling by her own intestines. Several hundred of Chris's pounds have been gutted out of his stomach and are strewn across the room. Stewie's decapitated head is halfway shoved down a dead Brian's throat. And only Meg remains alive.]

 

Peter: Meg?! Did you--?!

Meg Griffin: No. The officer guy and the tuxedoed midget killed them. Then they gave me the knife. [raises it] For a reason.

 

[She aims it at Peter and runs, screaming madly.]

 

Peter: AAAUUUUGGAAHHHHHHRRRHHGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

 

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Herve: What was-- 

Chronos: Oh no. I know what's happening. It's Family Guyitis.

Cosmos: Oh Jesus no.

Piett: What??

Chronos: It happens every once in the greatest of whiles, though I thought we, and thus you, were immune to its effects. But clearly the Space Mayans [to self] or Space Nazis [back to the group] have somehow managed to make the problem worse.

Herve: Could someone explain this to me immediately?!

Chronos: It's a very rare cosmic glitch....a hiccup if you will....that causes someone's reality to cut away from itself and manifest the afflicted momentarily in another reality, then immediately return back to normal reality.

Cosmos: Like those annoying cutaway gags on FAMILY GUY.

Chronos: Yes. In fact, the cosmic hiccups started around the time that show came on the air. Weirdly coincidental, ain't it?

Piett: Fuck me, not a FAMILY GUY occurrence. Do we really need that?!

Herve: Hang on. This might not be such a bad thing.

Piett: What--

Herve: Hey Piett, how about that time you and I fought in the Sheep Wars?

 

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[Piett and Herve are on a battle field. Around them, sheep are firing weapons and charging into battle. Tanks manned with goat lob cannonfire back at them. In the air above, battalions of sheep and goat bombers dogfight above them. A sheep with a gas mask hurls a mustard gas cannister into an oncoming patrol of badgers and moles.]

 

Piett: This is all just very silly.

Herve: These sheep are fighting for their independence. You will respect them and their revolutionary plight, God dammit.

Piett: I don't respect the death camps.

Herve: As long as the checks clear, just gloss over that part when we tell others where we've been, okay?

 

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Herve: See?

Cosmos: Hey, that was just.....SHIT!

Chronos: Yeah, that's it, Herve. Like how they do it on the show. If we just--

Piett: Ooh, Herve, how about that time we traveled to Russia to ask the Fiddler on the Roof guy how he could stop time around him and monologue to the audience in peace?

 

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[Piett and Herve find themselves in the film FIDDLER ON THE ROOF, at the wedding of Tzeitel and Motel. Lots of Russian Jews are dancing around and doing very Jewishy things.]

 

Herve: Whoa. [pause] If I didn't know they weren't all Jewish, I'd consider this the most racist thing I've ever seen.

Piett: I saw a Japanese stage rendition of 'If I Were a Rich Man' just before we left.

Herve: Once again you must top me, bastard.

 

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Chronos: Guys, if we just--

Piett: Holy shit, Herve, now I'm hooked.

Herve: Hey, remember that time we watched 1776 and--

 

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[In their rec room, Piett and Herve are watching 1776, the musical film.]

 

Guy who plays Edward Rutledge: .....SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAVES!!!!!!!!!

Herve: If they didn't actually do this, I'll kill America.

[Without warning Piett transports them to just outside the Continental Congress chambers in Philadelphia, PA. Herve sneaks into the closed chambers. Moments later, he bursts out and just runs.]

Herve: I LOVE AMERICAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

 

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Herve: I can't believe they actually sang.

Cosmos: You mean you visited....wait, the musical set or the real Continental Congress?

Chronos: Am I really the only one upset that we're not escaping he--

Herve: The real Congress.

Cosmos: I have less respect for America now. 

Piett: Or how about that time we visited the Batman TV show universe...?

 

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[The Joker, Riddler and Penguin unmask a captive Bruce Wayne.]

 

Joker: Hahaha....there we are. Heh heh heh heh....

Riddler: You think you're....pretty clever, don't you, Mr. Wayne.

Bruce Wayne: Clever enough to outwit you, you stupid thug.

Riddler: Well, we'll see about tha--

Herve: Hold on a minute. Wayne, say that again.

Bruce Wayne: Um.....

Joker: No, go ahead, that's ok.

Bruce Wayne: I wasn't wondering your permission, I just....[pause] Alright. "Clever enough to outwit you, you stupid thug."

Herve: Again.

Bruce Wayne: Really?

Herve: Say it!

Bruce Wayne: "Clever enough to outwit you, you stupid thug."

 

[Pause]

 

Penguin: Did he say "stupid fuck"?

Joker: Sounded like it.

Riddler: The hell did you get that from?! He clearly said "thug"!

Penguin: You're just ticked he didn't call us stupid fucks.

Herve: No, guys. GUYS. [long pause] Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Riddler: What?!?

Herve: That voice. He doesn't even try to hide it. Wait, hang on. Bruce, do that Uma Thurman dance.

Penguin: Who?

Herve: The Batusi. Do the Batusi

Joker: You do a Batman dance?

Bruce Wayne: I'm not Batm--

Herve: DANCE!

 

[Bruce Wayne sighs, then starts doing the Batusi. The Joker and Penguin stand in disgust, as the Riddler's jaw drops. He points and yells.]

  

Riddler: THAT'S HIM!!!!

Penguin [to Herve]: Who are you anyway?

Joker: I was wondering when we'd get around to this.

Riddler: Why are you 2 going on about who the troll is! BRUCE WAYNE IS BATMAN!!!!

Herve: Me? I am.....the Diddler!

 

[Pause]

 

Joker: I'm a murderous psycho clown who paints over his moustache, and even I understand how wrong that is, sir.

Penguin: Plus we already have a Riddler, why another guy with a similar name?

Joker: I'll explain to you later why you should be making a bigger deal about what his name implies that he does. For shame, Diddler, for shame.

 

[Suddenly Piett bursts in. As Riddler harps on and skips around about how the greatest riddle of his life has just been answered, Bruce Wayne takes the chance to just walk out and leave.]

 

Piett: What the hell is this getup, Herve?!

Herve: I'm The Diddler in this story, dammit!

Joker: That is WRONG, man!

Piett: I'm a Buckingham Palace beefeater! With bad teeth!

Herve: It's the '60s, man. Everything's supposed to be stereotypically lame until Vietnam fucks the generation up. And it's not Piett here, it's "The Ponce."

Piett: "The Ponce?" I'm not even British anymore!

 

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Cosmos: Heh. "The Ponce."

Piett: Shut up.

Herve: Or like that time we met all your old Imperial friends and went on that grand adventure back to the Star Wars universe.

 

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[He stops typing.]

 

Sean Walsh: Jesus, I'm still working on that one! Calm down!

 

[He resumes.]

 

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Piett: Or that time we watched The Happiest Millionaire.

Chronos: Ok now, ENOUGH!!

 

[Long pause, everyone assuming he's going to go batshit crazy about being stuck in a cutaway gag story]

 

Chronos: Can we address the fact that you've admitted to watching numerous musicals films, and yet WE'RE the gay ones?!

Piett: There's nothing wrong with musicals. Hell, Disney does animated ones all the time and no one complains about gayness with them.

Herve: Hey, remember the time we fought Walt Disney in that alternate reality?

 

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THIS TEXT HAS BEEN REMOVED AT THE REQUEST/BRUTAL SAVAGE BEATING THREAT OF THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY.

 

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Herve: Wow, I don't remember it going down that way.

Piett: Clearly Disney got to Walsh.

Chronos: Or he doesn't remember how it went down and/or can't copy and paste a piece of that story. [pause] What? It's entirely possible that's the answer.

Cosmos: Remember that time Chronos was an evil mastermind, killed many of our friends and allies and tried to destroy the multiverse?

 

[Pause]

 

Chronos: Please don't go there. That was a fairly well done arc, but rather unpleasant. I prefer being silly and not all serious whatsoever.

Cosmos: Ok, then, remember the time we went to Aquestria?

 

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Chronos: THIS DID NOT HAPPEN! WE'RE NOT HERE! NO LITTLE PONIES! NONE AT ALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111

 

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[Pause]

 

Piett: Was he molested by a little pony?

Cosmos: Yes. [pause] It was Applejack. [pause] All things considered, it could've been worse.

 

[Pause. Everyone looks to Herve, for some reason.]

 

Herve: I h ave no response to this. Not a shred of witty repartee at all. [pause] Let's do another Batman cutaway so we can move away from the horse rape awkwardness.

 

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[In the Batcave, Batman and Robin have been overwhelmed by a gaggle of Bat-criminals. Killer Moth: the Batman of evil, if evil was a retarded donkey or something.....Crazy Quilt: the multi-colored menace of Gotham, and Joel Schumacher's wet dream come true.....Kite-Man: a schmuck with a giant kite whose name is Charles Brown.....seriously, this happened.....and the Outsider: the reanimated and mutated corpse of Bruce Wayne's loyal butler, Alfred Pennyworth.....seriously, that happened too.....and the Grasshopper Gang, disembarking from a criminally-subverted Batmobile..........I know I make crazy foolishness up, mostly lousy, but again.....THAT. HAPPENED. TOO.]

 

[Oh, and in this scenario Batman is Piett and Robin is Herve. Duh.]

 

Herve: Holy ratfucking cocknose, Batman!

Piett: You've been doing that old Robin catchphrase schtick the entire adventure, old chum, and it's getting more and more disturbing.

Herve: That's a good thing. It means my material is fresh.

 

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Piett: We lived, obviously. 

Chronos: Not much to that one, was there?

Herve: All in the set-up. That's FAMILY GUY for ya.

Piett: Although now as I recall, that one featured horse rape too.

Herve: Kite-Man was not happy.

Piett: And died horribly. Hey, at least you lived, Chronos.

Chronos: Yeah, well, I feel....better now?
Cosmos: Lords above and below.......this is worse than the time we encountered those Brazilian tour groups at Walt Disney World.


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[Main Street USA. It is the first destination that welcomes eager happy children and Alzheimer's-ridden old people to the wonders of the Magic Kingdom for the first time. But on this day, as is the case with most others in these trying and pathetic times, the park is overridden with Brazilian tour groups. Clothed in annoyingly bright T-shirts with equally annoying flags indicating which tour group is which, they flock together and create an unsightly havoc on the otherwise normal (and mostly white) denizens of the park - both tourist and workers alike. And their behavior is just as shameful. They stand in unorganized masses before food and souvenir vendors and hold out cash with no regard for rhyme or reason. They stand in the roads disrupting other foot traffic so they can take group pictures with each other. They crowd around park workers and deny small Disney princess-clothed children access to these happy (thought not as colorful as the Brazilians) characters. They overpopulate ride lines and generate even greater crowds than theirs because, while they enjoy flocking and moving around the park in a herd, they refuse to ride the rides as a group but as individuals. And not a shred of English is spoken or comprehended by any of them.]


[On this particular day, though, a Brazilian drug dealer tour group is in the park. This is quickly evident when one of them shivs a 60-year old man in the stomach 8 times and steals his wallet. Sirens immediately wail, and the tour group scatters. From around a corner, though, comes not a police force, but the Seven Dwarfs and the cast of The Incredibles on giant gift box floats. The Dwarfs immediately disembark and circle the crime scene. Doc, carrying a bag of medical instruments, kneels beside the fallen and critically wounded man and tends to him, while the other 6 dwarves begin dancing and waving their arms around to deny onlookers a clear view to the bloody situation.]


Chronos: Hey, look. Frozone is on the last gift box float. All by himself. How racist.
Cosmos: Actually, what's racist is the continued existance of Brazilian tour groups.

Herve: No. What's racist is that you 2 are focusing on racial elements of ongoing events instead of noting the hilarious extents Disney goes to in order to distract people from a medical emergency in the park.


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Herve: The gags are starting to fall apart. Just like FAMILY GUY.

Chronos: Or that time Barbara Bush tried to take over the multiverse by transferring her consciousness into mine?

 

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[The mansion of the Space/Time Continuum. In the aftermath of a tremendous battle for the fate of the multiverse, a barely conscious Barbara Bush is being wheeled away by the Space Police. Chronos walks up to her.]

 

Chronos: Oh by the way. You have AIDS. Have fun with that.

 

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Herve: Ok, really, the comedic structure of these things is getting terrible now. Can we please do the Happiest Millionaire gag before this story collapses on the weight of its own stupidity?!

 

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[Piett, Herve, Cosmos and Chronos are watching The Happiest Millionaire in the rec room.]

 

Herve: The Irish guy. Who sings about drinking all the time. [pause, turns to where the camera would be if this was a movie] Really, Disney? We know they're drunks, stop emphasizing it like this. [to Cosmos and Chronos] So why exactly do these musical films have such time travel capabilities?

Piett: Yeah. Hans Zarkov can talk to the audience in Fiddler on the Roof. John and Abigail Adams can have their conversations across the country in 1776, and the dancing Irish drunk can talk to the camera the whole time in this one?

Herve: Ah, Fred MacMurray too. He catches him that one time! Doesn't see where the camera would be if he knew it was a movie!

Cosmos: Honestly? We license that shit out all the time.

Herve: You license....wait, really??

Cosmos: Of course. How else do we afford this mansion and all these amenities. Hollywood's been very good to us.
Piett: So you sell short term abilities to defy and manipulate space and time?? You couldn't have ever told us this before?!

Cosmos: Hey, at least we're not giving actors full fledged powers.

Herve: I'd almost accept that more happily.

 

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Cosmos: I can't believe we watched, and somehow forgot watching, The Happiest Millionaire? That's so sad...

Piett: Hang on, several of these last few gags have tied together.  That's....not very FAMILY GUY-ish at all.

Herve: Ooh, is Batman appearing here soon?! Or maybe even Batgirl?!

Piett: No. I'm taking about the musical gags. We're creating a continuity with them.

Herve: Oh. Creating continuity.... [pause] By Jove! Could the secret of escaping this glitchy reality be to make our own cutaway gag ourselves that get us out of all this?!?

Chronos: WHAT WAS THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE EARLIER?!?

 

[Pause]

 

Chronos: THAT *WAS* THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE EARLIER!!!

Herve: Was it really? You didn't even get a word in.

Chronos: ARGHHH!!!!

Cosmos: Oh. So...........hey, remember that time we escaped all this madness and were back in the Space Time Continuum and aboard the old timey hot air balloon with no sign of the Space Mayans or their pyramid with the McDonaldy madness and any of the cosmic madness that ensued?

Herve: No, no. It couldn't be that eas--

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Herve: --y, could it?

 

[Herve stops and looks around. And indeed, the quantum quartet are back on the old timey hot air balloon. The Space Mayan pyramid is gone, and all is well with the multiverse once more.]

 

Piett, Herve, Cosmos and Chronos: HEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Cosmos: But WAIT! How do we know THIS isn't a cutaway gag, and we don't go right back to the glitched reality?!

Chronos: It might be. But I think I have that solution. Remember that time Seth MacFarlane DIDN'T miss his flight out of Boston on September 11th, 2001?

 

[Pause. All remains the same.]

 

Piett, Herve, Cosmos and Chronos: HEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! 

Piett: Wait......not right, dude, not right.

Cosmos: Should we wonder why killing Seth MacFarlane on 9/11 somehow stopped a cosmic disturbance from ever happening again?

Herve: No. I think we should just be glad this latest calamity of ours has been solved and we're apparently coasting for an ending to this god damned tale of bizarro.

 

 

*to be concluded*

 

 

Herve: See!!

SPHCACTTTSTCOAOTHAB Part 3: Memories of McDonaldLand

[[Prelude]]

(In Wiki-code, that's a hyperlink to the word "prelude"...)

Herve: What kind of opening is this?!

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[Long ago, in 19-diggity-3, a young boy plays with a set of glass tumblers like they were action figures. He is blissfully happy. His mother and father, however, standing in the hallway nearby, are quite concerned.]

Mother: He just plays with those glasses like they were toys.

Father: He needs friends. Why doesn't he get out more?

Mother: I don't know. Did you drop him on his head?
Father: Why are you blaming me? Isn't it entirely plausible that you could have dropped him on his head?!

Mother: The maternal figure in the familial unit is incapable of such an atrocity.
Father: There'll be a day when that statement is rendered utterly moot. Soon, I suspect.
Snarky elder sibling [pops head into the conversation]: Isn't it entirely probable that his issues stem from the fact that this family is fucking nuts? [pops head right out of the conversation]
Father: Someday there'll be a day such snark is legally punishable by brutal and savage beating.
Mother: Or said snark shall be rampant in society.
Father: You're right, dear, probably that.
Mother: So what do we do?
Father: Well, we cannot beat him with the glasses. That'd be rather unexplainable to the teachers and authority figures.
Mother: Should we confiscate them?
Father: That may be the best option. Or perhaps, we instill in him with an understanding that this is not the norm and that they should comply with
Mother: That requires talking.
Father: Yes. And lord knows we're lousy when it's anything but this abnormal yet unnecessary narrative. [pause] Let's just throw them away when he sleeps, and explain the unfortunate nature of reality to him when he awakens.
Mother: This is agreeable.
Snarky elder sibling [pops head into the conversation]: Gods, someday I'll get away from all this nonsense.

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[Some time later, in the Space Mayan rock pyramid that until just recently was terrorizing the fabric of space and time itself, several beings stand in the presence of a gigantic illuminated set of McDonald's golden arches.]

Piett: We......[pause]......ok, so the big bad villain here really the kid who had those glass tumblers back in 19-diggity-3 and got severely fucked up with that kind of demented family environment, right?

Herve: What kind of wack-assed plot is this?!
Chronos: I'm actually a little uncomfortable being in this story now.
Cosmos: Just do what I plan on doing...standing back here and not saying anything more, letting those 2 take the brunt of the action and eventually re-entering with something clever when things get back to normal or at least calm down a bit.

[As Cosmos and Chronos disappear into the background, Piett and Herve begin to survey the area. Behind the behemoth golden arches and its bright gold illumination, they eye a series of buildings. One of them, a majestic spire which in the 1980's most assuredly looked like a building of the future, is populated with several moving beings. They begin their descent into the city structure, and walk through a very abandoned cityscape. This goes on for some time.]

Herve: Ok, I'll bite. Why is there a giant stone pyramid, built by Space Mayans, floating around the Space Time Continuum with a giant McDonaldLand city inside of it? This reeks of every awful story I've ever been a part of. And I've been in just about all parts of them.

Piett: But it's McDonaldLand.
Herve: The core of my argument, you baffoon.
Piett: We wouldn't be in this unless there was something....incredible afoot. My god, man, the swift veer from cosmic disaster story to bizarre McDonaldLand adventure is right up Walsh's alley.
Herve: I defend your life to make sure you'll live to eat those words, sir.
Piett: With a McDonald's theme, I look forward to it. In respectable portions not banned by federal or local law, of course.
Herve [mockingly]: Oh, of course.

[Suddenly a series of objects are hurled - or hurl themselves? - at Piett and Herve. They dock and dodge, and before anything else can happen they savagely kick and stomp the things until they are motionless. They exit their blind rage and see what has happened.]

Herve: Someone's throwing pom poms at us?!
Piett: No, no....[kneels down to examine them] these are......oh good grief. Really?
Herve: What? I'm not versed in things McDonald's, I was always a Wendy's man, but what are--[looks up and points]--GOOD LORD!!!!

[Suddenly a hail of objects appear far above them. Even with the gold light shining bright everywhere, there is a cloud shadowing the space above them that grows ominously darker. Piett and Herve embrace in terror, and duck down, awaiting the inevitable death they fear is upon them. They close their eyes.......and for the next 2 minutes and 50 seconds are pelted with small foam-like objects. Nearly 3 minutes of rather harmless horror later, they open their eyes, and find themselves semi-buried in an emmense pile of....]

Herve: Chicken McNuggets?

Piett: Chicken McNugget Buddies, saints preserve us.
Herve: What is this madness?! What's going on here?
Piett: The answer is up there. [points at the spire]
Herve: It'd better be. And honestly, at this point Space Nazis is the only thing that wouldn't make me so insane.

[Chronos emerges briefly from the shadows and high fives Herve for continuing the Space Nazi references, then disappears.]

Piett: I wish they did that more often.

[Some time, and a very out of place and uncomfortable security checkpoint run by the TSA for some reason, later, Piett and Herve arrive at the top level of the futuristic spire via elevator. The doors open.]

Herve: Seriously, I didn't realize everyone on my Facebook was so right about the TSA! That man put his fingers in my asshole, Firmus!!!
CosMc: Well, this is a horrifying introduction.
Piett: You're telling me. Another 2 minutes and 50 seconds of hearing about him being fingered.
Herve: At least they didn't fondle me.
Piett: Yeah, thanks. I'm gonna have to drink myself into oblivion to forget-- [double takes] Wait, what the--

[Piett and Herve finally realize their predicament. A giant orange skinned alien encased in armor, with several arms all around his body and a silver orbed body, stands before them, and a group of unidentified beings flank his background.]

CosMc: I am CosMc! Deliverer of your DOOM!

Piett: Holy transfat! It's you, the obvious enemy of this particular portion of the tale!

Herve: You're the kid who had the glass tumblers taken away, aren't you?

CosMc: How did--?!

Piett: It's a thing we do......we know we're in a fictional story, interact with the writer and shit, and we can see the flashbacks and plot movements and narration as if we were reading the story ourselves.

Herve: It was clever. Once.

Piett: So, you're--

CosMc: I am NOT the. I was his elder and snarky sibling!!

Herve: Huh. [pause] Well, at least that development wasn't entirely telegraphed.
Chronos [pops back into the story]: Or was it?
Herve: Ohhhh.
Chronos [to Cosmos]: Like how I did that? Things are betterish now so I re-enter and contribute cleverness.
Cosmos: You actually pulled it off fairly well, Lord help me. [they retreat back into the shadows]
Piett: Wait, CosMc? Wasn't he in fact an obscure McDonaldLand character?
Herve: What part of your ass did you pull that out of?!

[Piett reaches into the backside of his pants....]

Herve: WHAT THE HELL--?!

[...and pulls out an iPad, which just so conveniently is opened to the McDonald's Wikia site. Seriously. There is a Wiki site for McDonald's. Google that shit, you'll get a hit.]

Herve: Of course. [sniffs] And it smells like poo.
Piett: IT DOES NOT!!
CosMc: Yes, I AM that forgotten McDonald Land character!
Piett: And now you're concocting some ridiculous scheme to destroy the multiverse....a scheme we shockingly defeated with our old time hot air balloon, no less.
CosMc: The damage had been done before you got to us. A solar storm ravaged my system only minutes ago. My people are no more! My overbearingly pathetic family - DEAD!
Herve: And this has been the culmination of your life? From snarky elder sibling to jackass multi-armed alien who commits genocide on his own race? [pause] Wait, that's actually kind of impressive. I take it back.
Piett: You destroyed your people, your family, because.....what, your brother was inconvenienced by the loss of some tumblers?
CosMc: No! My brother was a fool! He fell down the stairs and died 3 months later! No, I destroyed them because before my brother got the glasses.....they were mine!
Herve: And Walsh wanders right onto the traintracks with that one.
Piett: Choo choo. [pause] I have nothing else to say, so I said that.
Herve: So you killed a race of people - hell, an entire solar system of life - because of......[looks up] REALLY????

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[He stops typing.]

Sean: Hey, they can't all possibly be good reasons.

[He resumes typing.]

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Herve: Jebus, this franchise of embarassment needs to end.
Piett: Well, your scheme is at its end. We intend to kill you and blow this damnable Space Mayan pyramid to kingdom.... Do we want to know how you're connected with the Space Mayans?
Chronos: Is it something related to Space Nazis?

Cosmos: Get back in the shadows here, dammit!

CosMc: You probably won't like it.

Piett [looks up]: Will we?

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[He stops typing.]

Sean: He said you probably won't like it. Ergo, you know what I think.

[He resumes.]

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Piett: Alright then.
Herve: "Ergo?"
CosMc: Kill me.....[laughs] You can try. ONCE YOU GET PAST MY ROYAL GUARD!

[Suddenly a ridiculous group of .....obscure McDonaldLand characters leap from the shadows.]

CosMc: Behold, my arcane antagonists of McDonaldLand!
Herve: Fuck, is it wrong that I'm GLAD we've gotten to this part?!
CosMc: Meet Mayor McCheese, the Municipal Murderer!

[Mayor McCheese pulls out a quilled pen, sharpened like a dagger, and bandies it mercilessly. Herve suddenly leaps forward and tears his jugular to shreds with a single bite. He lands on the ground, as CosMc and Piett are surprised and Mayor McCheese dies horribly.]

Herve: I'm mixing it up. Instead of the long introduction gag, I think we should just kill them after they're named. [chews] God, he was delicious.
Piett [shrugs]: You heard the man. Continue.
CosMc: Uh......[coughs].....um....[looks at his other warriors, who are also rather taken aback by this].....Uncle O'Grimacy, sensei of the Shamrock Shakes!
Uncle O'Grimacy: Dear God, man, are you seriOUAGHHHH!!!!!

[A throwing star from Piett's way hits him in the forehead. He pulls it out and a foamy substance which I guess is Grimace blood. Piett then shoots him twice in the chest with a ray gun, and the giant Irish beast falls dead to the ground.]

CosMc: This is not......not going.....forget it!! Warriors, destroy them!
Iam Hungry: Fuck this shit, CosMc! We didn't sign on for a suicide squad!
Captain Crook: Indeed! We're outta here, matey!
Officer Big Mac: But I have a gun. You can run away, but I actually have a chance against these rapscallions.
Herve: Aw, Officer Big Mac. I played in a big jungle gym of your head once.
Officer Big Mac: R-really?
Herve: Yes. And now that I've met you....NRARGHHH!!!!!

[He leaps up and with a single bite, severs Big Mac's head from the rest of his body. It falls and Herve stands over it.]

Herve: ....I'M GONNA FUCK YOUR HEAD WITH A RAKE!
Iam Hungry: Jesus Christ!!!!
Captain Crook: RUN!!!

[The McDonaldLand mercenaries scatter, leaving CosMc a confused mess. Piett grabs a trident and throws it at Captain Crook's chest, impacting him harshly and knocking him off his feet.]

Captain Crook: A trident....where.....how.... [collapses, dies]
Piett: You're a shitty pirate, sir! Running away instead of fighting! What would Jack Sparrow think of you?!

[Iam Hungry jumps on Piett's back and tries to bite him. But he simply falls back and lands on the ground, crushing Iam in the process. He turns and plunges his hand into his wide opened mouth. As Iam Hungry chokes and screams at the same time, Piett pulls and removes several bodily organs. He then flips the creature over and, with the still connected organs in hand, shoves them right up Iam Hungry's ass. Death cannot come quickly enough, so Piett ray guns him in the head for good measure.]

CosMc: This.....you.....my.....horror of horrors, what are you people?!?!!
Piett: We're Quantum Piett, motherfucker.

[Piett shoots CosMc right in the head, and it explodes on impact.]

Herve: Wait, *we're* Quantum Piett? Is that a team name or something.
Piett: Stop ruining my moments of badassery, youuuooooOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[Without warning, the world around them warps and disappears. Piett and Herve scream as their very beings are distorted. Moments later, a flash of white, and consciousness is lost.]























[Moments pass. Perhaps hours. Or more. Suddenly, as quickly as they collapsed into almost unbeing, they are awake, alive and well. They stand up, but before they can say anything--]

The Professor: I've been waiting for you.

[Piett and Herve take a moment to gather their surroundings. They are in a small room, walled entirely by television monitors airing old McDonald's commercials. In front of them sits an older man, dignified and with a trimmed beard and a tied-back ponytail, in a comfortable computer chair.]

The Professor: I am the Professor. I rule this realm. This realm, which you know on the outside as McDonaldLand. You have many questions, and although this adventure into McDonaldLand has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably as you are. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant. Beside you there are two doors. The door to your right leads to the salvation of what you know as the Space Time Continuum. The door to your left leads back to the pyramid, to a hell that cannot possibly be explained. Even by me. And I'm really good with words. As you so adequately must be thinking, the problem is choice. But we already know what you are going to do, don't we? Already I can see the chain reaction: the chemical precursors that signal the onset of an emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you to the simple and obvious truth: you is going to die and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

[Long pause. The Professor sits back, pleased with himself. Anothew few moments of silence pass, until--]

Herve: A God damn Matrix reference? Really? We came all this way for that?
Piett: That made no goddamn sense at all. Just like The Matrix.
Herve: Piett, would you please...?

[Piett grabs his ray gun and, as the Professor holds his hands up in front of his face, blasts 2 shots. Both hit the Professor's hands and zap through into the Professor's head. He falls back and off the chair, revealing the ray gun blasts also burnt 2 holes into his eyes and clear through the back of his head. Piett shoots again, then kisses the gun and holsters it.]

Piett: Jebus, I love this thing.
Herve: It feeds a homicidal part of you that I would like to mock but thus ergo, I concordantly dread. [pause] I don't even care if I'm using those word improperly, I love them.

[Another long pause.]

Herve: We're not going back through another distortion and flash of white, are we?
Piett: We are not.

[They look from side to side.]

Piett: Shit, which door is which again? And what one should we take?
Herve: Beats me. I hated those fucking movies.
Piett & Herve [together]: Except for Hugo Weaving!
Piett: I enjoy these moments.
Herve: As do I.

[Piett reaches into his pocket and pulls out a quarter. He flips it, and upon seeing what side came up, he turns to the right and reachs to the door.]

Herve: Was that an Imperial credit?
Piett: It sure was. I keep it for luck, and also because no one will buy it on eBay. How'd you know what it was?
Herve: I don't know why I know what the Emperor's ass looks like, but I'm thinking I know what no one wants to buy his currency on eBay or anywhere else.

[Piett opens the door, and they walk through.]

*to be continued*

Herve: What kind of ending was that?!

Piett: Um......an acceptable one?
Herve: I know. I just had to keep that thing going for the sake of those reading who enjoy the continuity bits like that.
Piett: You keep using that plural when you know you shouldn't....

SPHCACTTTSTCOAOTHAB Part 2: 2012...In Space!

WHEN LAST WE LEFT OUR HEROES!!!!!

Joe Q. Public: Oh look, he's back to doing a *regular* opening now--

After securing peace in the Space/Time Continuum Middle East, Piett, Herve, Cosmos and Chronos relax but are quickly thrust into a new calamity: the possible destruction of everything due to the meddling of Space Mayans!!!!!!

Joe Q. Public: Yes. A story that will be outdated by the end of the year.

[Cosmos and Chronos grab the pessimistic (and tiring) representation of the "fanbase" and throw him off the old timey balloon craft.]

Cosmos: This is fun, killing people like this.
Chronos: How did he even get here?
Herve: Well at least we know how he got there.

[Herve points overboard toward one of the comets, where they watch Joe Q. Public's body incinerated in a flash.]

Herve: Yet even with that, he'll come back somehow.
Piett: Guys, I'm kinda pumped up about this adventure. It sounds positively cosmic. We haven't really done that in a while. AND it's Space Mayans, so the bullshit levels are about what we always deal with anyway too.
Cosmos: There's no bullshit here, friends! These Space Mayans are right!

[Piett, Herve and Chronos laugh. This goes on for some time.]

Cosmos: Stop that! You won't be laughing on December 21st!
Chronos: No, but we will be on December 22nd!

[Piett, Herve and Chronos laugh. Assassinating his case, Cosmos also has to laugh a bit too. This goes on for some time.]

Herve: Oh, I do enjoy the art of laugh.
Cosmos: Sadly we won't be laughing for much longer because of the Mayans.
Herve: Don't make me kick you in the dickballs, man. Let's just stop them and refer to them henceforth as nothing but a minor inconvenience in our overall travels and adventures.
Chronos: Really, though [covers his dick], these Space Mayans are going to send an array of comets crashing into every star in the universe, destroying all life and possibility of life with solar storms!
Piett: And all from the comfortable confines of a fucking old timey balloon! Is there a REASON for this damnable contraption?!
Chronos: Face fact, true believoids, this cosmic development is scientifically possible!
Herve: No, it is not scientifically possible [points behind him to the madness of a Mayan pyramid structure floating in space directing comets into suns] TO EXPLAIN ANY OF THAT.
Piett: Jebus, are we being written by Art Bell and George Noury now?!
Herve: Been listening to Coast to Coast AM again, huh?
Piett: Nothing more amazing that to wake up at 2am to the sound of insane conspiracy theories. It's the only time that crap has any plausibility for me.
Herve: Wait a tic. "Solar storms"... Shit, is this gonna be like that movie Knowing?!

[The quantum duo suddenly face the other.]

Herve and Piett [to each other]: Oh boy, if you start quoting fucking Nic Cage I will rape your balls.

[Pause]

Piett [happily]: We know each other so well.
Herve: I've never felt closer to you.

[They hug.]

Cosmos and Chronos [together]: Gay.

[Pause]

Piett: Yes?
Cosmos: We're not hugging.
Herve: Oh, [ahems] I SEE.
Chronos: STOP THAT!
Piett: Hang on, I know how to settle this. Fourth wall!

[SuddeBOOM!!!!!!!]

Darkseid: WHAAAAAAAASUP!!!!!
Herve: Wow, that meme came back out of nowhere. Hell, the word 'meme' didn't even exist when that was a meme.
Piett [points yonder]: Darkseid, is that humanly possible?

[Darkseid looks at the Mayan pyramid structure floating in space directing comets into suns and ponders for a moment.]

Darkseid: Well I've seen worse. But yeah, this is possible.
Piett: Fair enough.
Herve: I'm sold.
Cosmos: This shit is actually happening! When was "possible" ever in doubt?!
Chronos: And you believe him but not us?!
Piett: Dude, it's Darkseid.
Herve: Darkseid is. [pause] The man. [fistbumps Darkseid]
Cosmos: Well, now that you're...convinced...shall we address this threat?
Piett: I don't know how well this old timey hot air balloon can address this threat, but we can try.
Chronos: Do, or do not......there is no try.

[Everyone looks at him, curiously.]

Chronos: I just watched The Empire Strikes Back the other night. [pause] The Special Edition. [pause] I prefer Attack of the Clones as a second entry to a Star Wars trilogy.
Darkseid: You're just.........awful.
Piett: Wanna tag along on this adventure, Darkseid?
Darkseid: I may tag along for a bit, see how this plays out. I got nothing else going on, what with the kid running things now.
Herve: Your kid? Orion? [pause] Oh shit, did you just come from the year 2000?
Darkseid: Yes. What year is it now? What's changed? Am I even cooler in whatever future year this is?
Herve: Oof. Well, listen, in another 6 years prepare to be GREATLY offended.
Darkseid: That can't be good.
Piett: It isn't.
Chronos: I don't understand any of this inside humor.
Cosmos: From what I gather, very few others alive do either. This is New Gods talk, after all.
Darkseid: Oh geez, am I a lunchlady?
Chronos: Ooh, now that's a TINY TITANS reference.
Cosmos: Tiny Titans > New Gods. [pause] That seems right.

[As those on the craft The old timey hot air balloon changes its course and heads toward the Space Mayan pyramid structure. Without warning, laser cannons emerge from all parts of the craft and open fire on the Space Mayan starcraft. All aboard are quite stunned.]

Piett: The old timey hot air balloon has laser cannons.
Herve: God bless the Chitauri race.

[The firefight continues, as the old timey hot air balloon decimates the hapless Space Mayan structure. As the influx of comets begins to wane and the space debris breaks away and flies off into space, Piett and Herve stand at the bow of their craft and await a chance to jump ship and board the ravaged pyramid.]

Piett: This is all too easy.
Herve: Indeed. Something's not--
Voice: NGAAHAHHAHHHAHHHHHRRGHH!!!!!!!!

[Suddenly 2 beings leap from the shadows and attack Piett and Herve. With even more relative ease, they handle their new mysterious foes and send them to their makers, courtesy of a fatal throat assault and a 5 fingered death punch to the heart.]

Piett: Hey, that tasted good! I can see why you do it!
Herve: Wait, did you do that?! [looks at his hand] GAH!!!!

[Herve, seeing that his death punch resulted in the complete removal of his enemy's heart, shrieks and throws it away.]

Piett: For shame. You're not supposed to actually pull his heart out with that punch. Not without yelling "Kalima!", at least.
Herve: I would think pulling someone's heart out of their chest would be impressive enough, but these are the standards we're dealt, it seems.

[Darkseid, Cosmos and Chronos saunter in. Darkseid appears to be checking his smartphone device.]

Herve: Are you texting in the middle of our adventure??
Darkseid: No, I'm looking at hilarious lolcat photos I've collected.
Chronos [looking over Darkseid's shoulder]: Those aren't lolcat photos, they're tortured hobos and denizens of whatever planet you're from.
Darkseid: Well......they're hilarious, at least.
Chronos: Gah.
Cosmos: I want to cry and vomit at the same time. And not from the proper orifaces either.
Piett: Thanks for the help.
Darkseid: I don't do physical confrontations. Makes me cooler and eviler.
Herve: "Eviler?"
Darkseid: God. Gods can make up words too.

[Cosmos goes to turn around and vomit when he seems....something very off about the 2 dead attackers. As the other venture onward, he kneels down and gazes at their faces. His eyes widen. He is horrified. He turns and runs to the others.]

Cosmos: Piett!! Herve!! Others!!! WAIT!!!!!!

[But it is too late. The others have arrived in the vast and hideous inner sanctum of the Space Mayan pyramid. Quickly all their eyes are transfixed on a large object, that rotates slowly and emits a bright bright bright gold light throughout the cavernous innards of the craft.]

Darkseid: The. FUCK.
Chronos: Dear Gods, it's not Space Mayans. Or even Space Nazis. [shakes fist] AT ALL.
Herve: It's......
Piett: It's......

[Ever so dramatic pause.]

Piett: McDonaldLand.

[Pause]

Darkseid: And I'm outs. [opens a Boom TubeBOOM!!!!!!! and departs this story]
Herve: Coast to Coast AM didn't see this one coming, I reckon.
Piett: Probably, though I don't listen commonly anymore so I can't speak fo--
Herve: TRUST ME, THEY DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.

*to be continued...*

SPHCACTTTSTCOAOTHAB (So Piett, Herve, Cosmos and Chronos travel through the Space/Time Continuum on a old timey hot air balloon) Part 1: Five Assholes in a Balloon

[I'm giving you a cold open. To a multipart story, no less. Yeah, I can do that. Let the scenery and situations be revealed and explained by the characters.]

Piett: Well, this has just been a colossal waste of time.

Cosmos: What do you mean? We just negotiated peace in the Middle East.

Piett: The Middle East of the Space/Time Continuum. And now we're flying home in.....THIS?!

Cosmos: It was a gift.

Piett: No culture I'm aware of has ever considered an old timey hot air balloon a gift.

Chronos: An old timey hot air balloon with a giant craft attached to it, mind you, not a little basket.

[Pause]

Herve: We know where we are, Chronos.

Chronos: I know, I'm just providing some exposition. [pause] I think we got a cold open. It's chilly in here.

Piett: You're not wearing pants.

Chronos [pauses]: This shouldn't shock you.

Herve: I'd say "put that thing away!" but.....well, heh.....

Chronos: Asshole.

Piett: Didn't we see a movie about people in an old timey balloon?

Herve: No. We did not.

Piett: I really thought we d--

Herve: Nope. We didn't. No.

Cosmos: I would imagine this means you have.

Herve: Thank you, Vice-Admiral Obvious. And to clarify, there were actually 2 movies about people in balloons.

Piett: Oh, so the other one--

Herve: Doesn't exist. We didn't see it. No. Nonononofuckno.

Piett: Alright then.

Herve: Anyway, this old timey hot air balloon isn't a gift, it's probably a trap. You know those Middle Eastern folks, they're always attaching bombs to stuff and wanting to blow up white people.

Piett, Cosmos and Chronos: OOHHHHHH!!!!

Herve: Well they do. Those Reptilians do NOT like us.

Piett: It was you they didn't like. If you called them "the Chitauri" like they kept asking, they probably wouldn't think you, and thus "all you other skins," were so awful for repeatedly using what they consider a very offensive name.

Cosmos: Hang on. I'm looking at the story title....

Herve [whispers to Piett]: He can do that?

Piett [whispers back]: Makes sense that he can.

Cosmos: ....and it says there are 5 guys here.

Herve: Oh shit, did a fucking reptilian get in?!

Piett: Dude!

Cosmos: I also think Walsh may've had a stroke coming up with that acronym.

Chronos: Um, guys?

[All look as Chronos points at a being sitting in a corner of the ship. He is smoking a pipe and muttering pearls of wisdom to himself.]

Cosmos: Is.....is that Mark Twain???

Herve: NGAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Piett: This was one of those movies, wasn't it?

Chronos: That's......that's a Claymation version of Mark Twain.

Cosmos: What is this?

Piett: You've never seen it?

Herve: Obviously not. Should we?

Piett: Do we have to...?

Herve: No, we don't. But they do.

Piett: Oh goodie.

***90 minutes later***

Cosmos: That was just awful.

Chronos: I've seen that before. It did not age well.

Cosmos: I have no frame of context to judge how it aged, but I can assure you that it probably sucked back then too.

Chronos: But there was that one segment that was super creepy.

Cosmos: If I was drunk I might be able to be coerced into agreeing with you. But it'd have to be really drunk. On Guinness Dark Ale.

Chronos: Oh lord no. I wouldn't do that to you.

Piett: This is very wordy for them.

Herve: Yeah. That movie may've made them cooler.

Piett: Doubtful.

[Suddenly, Cosmos and Chronos grab the Claymated Mark Twain and toss him over the side.]

Piett: What was that!?!

Chronos: We don't need this baggage, and not just because the movie is awful.

Piett: Did you at least throw him into a comet?

Cosmos: Hillary's Comet?

Piett: No. Just a comet.