(In Wiki-code, that's a hyperlink to the word "prelude"...)
Herve: What kind of opening is this?!
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[Long ago, in 19-diggity-3, a young boy plays with a set of glass
tumblers like they were action figures. He is blissfully happy. His
mother and father, however, standing in the hallway nearby, are quite
concerned.]
Mother: He just plays with those glasses like they were toys.
Father: He needs friends. Why doesn't he get out more?
Mother: I don't know. Did you drop him on his head?
Father: Why are you blaming me? Isn't it entirely plausible that you could have dropped him on his head?!
Father: Why are you blaming me? Isn't it entirely plausible that you could have dropped him on his head?!
Father: There'll be a day when that statement is rendered utterly moot. Soon, I suspect.
Snarky elder sibling [pops head into the conversation]: Isn't it entirely probable that his issues stem from the fact that this family is fucking nuts? [pops head right out of the conversation]
Father: Someday there'll be a day such snark is legally punishable by brutal and savage beating.
Mother: Or said snark shall be rampant in society.
Father: You're right, dear, probably that.
Mother: So what do we do?
Father: Well, we cannot beat him with the glasses. That'd be rather unexplainable to the teachers and authority figures.
Mother: Should we confiscate them?
Father: That may be the best option. Or perhaps, we instill in him with an understanding that this is not the norm and that they should comply with
Mother: That requires talking.
Father: Yes. And lord knows we're lousy when it's anything but this abnormal yet unnecessary narrative. [pause] Let's just throw them away when he sleeps, and explain the unfortunate nature of reality to him when he awakens.
Mother: This is agreeable.
Snarky elder sibling [pops head into the conversation]: Gods, someday I'll get away from all this nonsense.
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[Some time later, in the Space Mayan rock pyramid that until just
recently was terrorizing the fabric of space and time itself, several
beings stand in the presence of a gigantic illuminated set of McDonald's
golden arches.]
Piett: We......[pause]......ok, so the big bad villain here really
the kid who had those glass tumblers back in 19-diggity-3 and got
severely fucked up with that kind of demented family environment, right?
Herve: What kind of wack-assed plot is this?!Chronos: I'm actually a little uncomfortable being in this story now.
Cosmos: Just do what I plan on doing...standing back here and not saying anything more, letting those 2 take the brunt of the action and eventually re-entering with something clever when things get back to normal or at least calm down a bit.
[As Cosmos and Chronos disappear into the background, Piett and
Herve begin to survey the area. Behind the behemoth golden arches and
its bright gold illumination, they eye a series of buildings. One of
them, a majestic spire which in the 1980's most assuredly looked like a
building of the future, is populated with several moving beings. They
begin their descent into the city structure, and walk through a very
abandoned cityscape. This goes on for some time.]
Herve: Ok, I'll bite. Why is there a giant stone pyramid, built by
Space Mayans, floating around the Space Time Continuum with a giant
McDonaldLand city inside of it? This reeks of every awful story I've
ever been a part of. And I've been in just about all parts of them.
Piett: But it's McDonaldLand.Herve: The core of my argument, you baffoon.
Piett: We wouldn't be in this unless there was something....incredible afoot. My god, man, the swift veer from cosmic disaster story to bizarre McDonaldLand adventure is right up Walsh's alley.
Herve: I defend your life to make sure you'll live to eat those words, sir.
Piett: With a McDonald's theme, I look forward to it. In respectable portions not banned by federal or local law, of course.
Herve [mockingly]: Oh, of course.
[Suddenly a series of objects are hurled - or hurl themselves? - at Piett and Herve. They dock and dodge, and before anything else can happen they savagely kick and stomp the things until they are motionless. They exit their blind rage and see what has happened.]
Herve: Someone's throwing pom poms at us?!
Piett: No, no....[kneels down to examine them] these are......oh good grief. Really?
Herve: What? I'm not versed in things McDonald's, I was always a Wendy's man, but what are--[looks up and points]--GOOD LORD!!!!
[Suddenly a hail of objects appear far above them. Even with the
gold light shining bright everywhere, there is a cloud shadowing the
space above them that grows ominously darker. Piett and Herve embrace in
terror, and duck down, awaiting the inevitable death they fear is upon
them. They close their eyes.......and for the next 2 minutes and 50
seconds are pelted with small foam-like objects. Nearly 3 minutes of
rather harmless horror later, they open their eyes, and find themselves
semi-buried in an emmense pile of....]
Herve: Chicken McNuggets?
Piett: Chicken McNugget Buddies, saints preserve us.Herve: What is this madness?! What's going on here?
Piett: The answer is up there. [points at the spire]
Herve: It'd better be. And honestly, at this point Space Nazis is the only thing that wouldn't make me so insane.
[Chronos emerges briefly from the shadows and high fives Herve for continuing the Space Nazi references, then disappears.]
Piett: I wish they did that more often.
[Some time, and a very out of place and uncomfortable security
checkpoint run by the TSA for some reason, later, Piett and Herve arrive
at the top level of the futuristic spire via elevator. The doors open.]
Herve: Seriously, I didn't realize everyone on my Facebook was so right about the TSA! That man put his fingers in my asshole, Firmus!!!
CosMc: Well, this is a horrifying introduction.
Piett: You're telling me. Another 2 minutes and 50 seconds of hearing about him being fingered.
Herve: At least they didn't fondle me.
Piett: Yeah, thanks. I'm gonna have to drink myself into oblivion to forget-- [double takes] Wait, what the--
[Piett and Herve finally realize their predicament. A giant orange skinned alien encased in armor, with several arms all around his body and a silver orbed body, stands before them, and a group of unidentified beings flank his background.]
CosMc: I am CosMc! Deliverer of your DOOM!
Piett: Holy transfat! It's you, the obvious enemy of this particular portion of the tale!
Herve: You're the kid who had the glass tumblers taken away, aren't you?
CosMc: How did--?!
Piett: It's a thing we do......we know we're in a fictional story,
interact with the writer and shit, and we can see the flashbacks and
plot movements and narration as if we were reading the story ourselves.
Herve: It was clever. Once.
Piett: So, you're--
CosMc: I am NOT the. I was his elder and snarky sibling!!
Chronos [pops back into the story]: Or was it?
Herve: Ohhhh.
Chronos [to Cosmos]: Like how I did that? Things are betterish now so I re-enter and contribute cleverness.
Cosmos: You actually pulled it off fairly well, Lord help me. [they retreat back into the shadows]
Piett: Wait, CosMc? Wasn't he in fact an obscure McDonaldLand character?
Herve: What part of your ass did you pull that out of?!
[Piett reaches into the backside of his pants....]
Herve: WHAT THE HELL--?!
[...and pulls out an iPad, which just so conveniently is opened to the McDonald's Wikia site. Seriously. There is a Wiki site for McDonald's. Google that shit, you'll get a hit.]
Herve: Of course. [sniffs] And it smells like poo.
Piett: IT DOES NOT!!
CosMc: Yes, I AM that forgotten McDonald Land character!
Piett: And now you're concocting some ridiculous scheme to destroy the multiverse....a scheme we shockingly defeated with our old time hot air balloon, no less.
CosMc: The damage had been done before you got to us. A solar storm ravaged my system only minutes ago. My people are no more! My overbearingly pathetic family - DEAD!
Herve: And this has been the culmination of your life? From snarky elder sibling to jackass multi-armed alien who commits genocide on his own race? [pause] Wait, that's actually kind of impressive. I take it back.
Piett: You destroyed your people, your family, because.....what, your brother was inconvenienced by the loss of some tumblers?
CosMc: No! My brother was a fool! He fell down the stairs and died 3 months later! No, I destroyed them because before my brother got the glasses.....they were mine!
Herve: And Walsh wanders right onto the traintracks with that one.
Piett: Choo choo. [pause] I have nothing else to say, so I said that.
Herve: So you killed a race of people - hell, an entire solar system of life - because of......[looks up] REALLY????
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[He stops typing.]
Sean: Hey, they can't all possibly be good reasons.
[He resumes typing.]
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Herve: Jebus, this franchise of embarassment needs to end.
Piett: Well, your scheme is at its end. We intend to kill you and blow this damnable Space Mayan pyramid to kingdom.... Do we want to know how you're connected with the Space Mayans?
Chronos: Is it something related to Space Nazis?
Cosmos: Get back in the shadows here, dammit!
CosMc: You probably won't like it.¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[He stops typing.]
Sean: He said you probably won't like it. Ergo, you know what I think.
[He resumes.]
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Piett: Alright then.
Herve: "Ergo?"
CosMc: Kill me.....[laughs] You can try. ONCE YOU GET PAST MY ROYAL GUARD!
[Suddenly a ridiculous group of .....obscure McDonaldLand characters leap from the shadows.]
CosMc: Behold, my arcane antagonists of McDonaldLand!
Herve: Fuck, is it wrong that I'm GLAD we've gotten to this part?!
CosMc: Meet Mayor McCheese, the Municipal Murderer!
[Mayor McCheese pulls out a quilled pen, sharpened like a dagger, and bandies it mercilessly. Herve suddenly leaps forward and tears his jugular to shreds with a single bite. He lands on the ground, as CosMc and Piett are surprised and Mayor McCheese dies horribly.]
Herve: I'm mixing it up. Instead of the long introduction gag, I think we should just kill them after they're named. [chews] God, he was delicious.
Piett [shrugs]: You heard the man. Continue.
CosMc: Uh......[coughs].....um....[
Uncle O'Grimacy: Dear God, man, are you seriOUAGHHHH!!!!!
[A throwing star from Piett's way hits him in the forehead. He pulls it out and a foamy substance which I guess is Grimace blood. Piett then shoots him twice in the chest with a ray gun, and the giant Irish beast falls dead to the ground.]
CosMc: This is not......not going.....forget it!! Warriors, destroy them!
Iam Hungry: Fuck this shit, CosMc! We didn't sign on for a suicide squad!
Captain Crook: Indeed! We're outta here, matey!
Officer Big Mac: But I have a gun. You can run away, but I actually have a chance against these rapscallions.
Herve: Aw, Officer Big Mac. I played in a big jungle gym of your head once.
Officer Big Mac: R-really?
Herve: Yes. And now that I've met you....NRARGHHH!!!!!
[He leaps up and with a single bite, severs Big Mac's head from the rest of his body. It falls and Herve stands over it.]
Herve: ....I'M GONNA FUCK YOUR HEAD WITH A RAKE!
Iam Hungry: Jesus Christ!!!!
Captain Crook: RUN!!!
[The McDonaldLand mercenaries scatter, leaving CosMc a confused mess. Piett grabs a trident and throws it at Captain Crook's chest, impacting him harshly and knocking him off his feet.]
Captain Crook: A trident....where.....how.... [collapses, dies]
Piett: You're a shitty pirate, sir! Running away instead of fighting! What would Jack Sparrow think of you?!
[Iam Hungry jumps on Piett's back and tries to bite him. But he simply falls back and lands on the ground, crushing Iam in the process. He turns and plunges his hand into his wide opened mouth. As Iam Hungry chokes and screams at the same time, Piett pulls and removes several bodily organs. He then flips the creature over and, with the still connected organs in hand, shoves them right up Iam Hungry's ass. Death cannot come quickly enough, so Piett ray guns him in the head for good measure.]
CosMc: This.....you.....my.....horror of horrors, what are you people?!?!!
Piett: We're Quantum Piett, motherfucker.
[Piett shoots CosMc right in the head, and it explodes on impact.]
Herve: Wait, *we're* Quantum Piett? Is that a team name or something.
Piett: Stop ruining my moments of badassery, youuuooooOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Without warning, the world around them warps and disappears. Piett and Herve scream as their very beings are distorted. Moments later, a flash of white, and consciousness is lost.]
[Moments pass. Perhaps hours. Or more. Suddenly, as quickly as they collapsed into almost unbeing, they are awake, alive and well. They stand up, but before they can say anything--]
The Professor: I've been waiting for you.
[Piett and Herve take a moment to gather their surroundings. They are in a small room, walled entirely by television monitors airing old McDonald's commercials. In front of them sits an older man, dignified and with a trimmed beard and a tied-back ponytail, in a comfortable computer chair.]
The Professor: I am the Professor. I rule this realm. This realm, which you know on the outside as McDonaldLand. You have many questions, and although this adventure into McDonaldLand has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably as you are. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant. Beside you there are two doors. The door to your right leads to the salvation of what you know as the Space Time Continuum. The door to your left leads back to the pyramid, to a hell that cannot possibly be explained. Even by me. And I'm really good with words. As you so adequately must be thinking, the problem is choice. But we already know what you are going to do, don't we? Already I can see the chain reaction: the chemical precursors that signal the onset of an emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you to the simple and obvious truth: you is going to die and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
[Long pause. The Professor sits back, pleased with himself. Anothew few moments of silence pass, until--]
Herve: A God damn Matrix reference? Really? We came all this way for that?
Piett: That made no goddamn sense at all. Just like The Matrix.
Herve: Piett, would you please...?
[Piett grabs his ray gun and, as the Professor holds his hands up in front of his face, blasts 2 shots. Both hit the Professor's hands and zap through into the Professor's head. He falls back and off the chair, revealing the ray gun blasts also burnt 2 holes into his eyes and clear through the back of his head. Piett shoots again, then kisses the gun and holsters it.]
Piett: Jebus, I love this thing.
Herve: It feeds a homicidal part of you that I would like to mock but thus ergo, I concordantly dread. [pause] I don't even care if I'm using those word improperly, I love them.
[Another long pause.]
Herve: We're not going back through another distortion and flash of white, are we?
Piett: We are not.
[They look from side to side.]
Piett: Shit, which door is which again? And what one should we take?
Herve: Beats me. I hated those fucking movies.
Piett & Herve [together]: Except for Hugo Weaving!
Piett: I enjoy these moments.
Herve: As do I.
[Piett reaches into his pocket and pulls out a quarter. He flips it, and upon seeing what side came up, he turns to the right and reachs to the door.]
Herve: Was that an Imperial credit?
Piett: It sure was. I keep it for luck, and also because no one will buy it on eBay. How'd you know what it was?
Herve: I don't know why I know what the Emperor's ass looks like, but I'm thinking I know what no one wants to buy his currency on eBay or anywhere else.
[Piett opens the door, and they walk through.]
*to be continued*
Herve: What kind of ending was that?!
Piett: Um......an acceptable one?Herve: I know. I just had to keep that thing going for the sake of those reading who enjoy the continuity bits like that.
Piett: You keep using that plural when you know you shouldn't....
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