Joe Q. Public: Oh look, he's back to doing a *regular* opening now--
After securing peace in the Space/Time Continuum Middle East, Piett, Herve, Cosmos and Chronos relax but are quickly thrust into a new calamity: the possible destruction of everything due to the meddling of Space Mayans!!!!!!
Joe Q. Public: Yes. A story that will be outdated by the end of the year.
[Cosmos and Chronos grab the pessimistic (and tiring) representation of the "fanbase" and throw him off the old timey balloon craft.]
Cosmos: This is fun, killing people like this.
Chronos: How did he even get here?
Herve: Well at least we know how he got there.
[Herve points overboard toward one of the comets, where they watch Joe Q. Public's body incinerated in a flash.]
Herve: Yet even with that, he'll come back somehow.
Piett: Guys, I'm kinda pumped up about this adventure. It sounds positively cosmic. We haven't really done that in a while. AND it's Space Mayans, so the bullshit levels are about what we always deal with anyway too.
Cosmos: There's no bullshit here, friends! These Space Mayans are right!
[Piett, Herve and Chronos laugh. This goes on for some time.]
Cosmos: Stop that! You won't be laughing on December 21st!
Chronos: No, but we will be on December 22nd!
[Piett, Herve and Chronos laugh. Assassinating his case, Cosmos also has to laugh a bit too. This goes on for some time.]
Herve: Oh, I do enjoy the art of laugh.
Cosmos: Sadly we won't be laughing for much longer because of the Mayans.
Herve: Don't make me kick you in the dickballs, man. Let's just stop them and refer to them henceforth as nothing but a minor inconvenience in our overall travels and adventures.
Chronos: Really, though [covers his dick], these Space Mayans are going to send an array of comets crashing into every star in the universe, destroying all life and possibility of life with solar storms!
Piett: And all from the comfortable confines of a fucking old timey balloon! Is there a REASON for this damnable contraption?!
Chronos: Face fact, true believoids, this cosmic development is scientifically possible!
Herve: No, it is not scientifically possible [points behind him to the madness of a Mayan pyramid structure floating in space directing comets into suns] TO EXPLAIN ANY OF THAT.
Piett: Jebus, are we being written by Art Bell and George Noury now?!
Herve: Been listening to Coast to Coast AM again, huh?
Piett: Nothing more amazing that to wake up at 2am to the sound of insane conspiracy theories. It's the only time that crap has any plausibility for me.
Herve: Wait a tic. "Solar storms"... Shit, is this gonna be like that movie Knowing?!
[The quantum duo suddenly face the other.]
Herve and Piett [to each other]: Oh boy, if you start quoting fucking Nic Cage I will rape your balls.
[Pause]
Piett [happily]: We know each other so well.
Herve: I've never felt closer to you.
[They hug.]
Cosmos and Chronos [together]: Gay.
[Pause]
Piett: Yes?
Cosmos: We're not hugging.
Herve: Oh, [ahems] I SEE.
Chronos: STOP THAT!
Piett: Hang on, I know how to settle this. Fourth wall!
[SuddeBOOM!!!!!!!]
Darkseid: WHAAAAAAAASUP!!!!!
Herve: Wow, that meme came back out of nowhere. Hell, the word 'meme' didn't even exist when that was a meme.
Piett [points yonder]: Darkseid, is that humanly possible?
[Darkseid looks at the Mayan pyramid structure floating in space directing comets into suns and ponders for a moment.]
Darkseid: Well I've seen worse. But yeah, this is possible.
Piett: Fair enough.
Herve: I'm sold.
Cosmos: This shit is actually happening! When was "possible" ever in doubt?!
Chronos: And you believe him but not us?!
Piett: Dude, it's Darkseid.
Herve: Darkseid is. [pause] The man. [fistbumps Darkseid]
Cosmos: Well, now that you're...convinced...shall we address this threat?
Piett: I don't know how well this old timey hot air balloon can address this threat, but we can try.
Chronos: Do, or do not......there is no try.
[Everyone looks at him, curiously.]
Chronos: I just watched The Empire Strikes Back the other night. [pause] The Special Edition. [pause] I prefer Attack of the Clones as a second entry to a Star Wars trilogy.
Darkseid: You're just.........awful.
Piett: Wanna tag along on this adventure, Darkseid?
Darkseid: I may tag along for a bit, see how this plays out. I got nothing else going on, what with the kid running things now.
Herve: Your kid? Orion? [pause] Oh shit, did you just come from the year 2000?
Darkseid: Yes. What year is it now? What's changed? Am I even cooler in whatever future year this is?
Herve: Oof. Well, listen, in another 6 years prepare to be GREATLY offended.
Darkseid: That can't be good.
Piett: It isn't.
Chronos: I don't understand any of this inside humor.
Cosmos: From what I gather, very few others alive do either. This is New Gods talk, after all.
Darkseid: Oh geez, am I a lunchlady?
Chronos: Ooh, now that's a TINY TITANS reference.
Cosmos: Tiny Titans > New Gods. [pause] That seems right.
[As those on the craft The old timey hot air balloon changes its course and heads toward the Space Mayan pyramid structure. Without warning, laser cannons emerge from all parts of the craft and open fire on the Space Mayan starcraft. All aboard are quite stunned.]
Piett: The old timey hot air balloon has laser cannons.
Herve: God bless the Chitauri race.
[The firefight continues, as the old timey hot air balloon decimates the hapless Space Mayan structure. As the influx of comets begins to wane and the space debris breaks away and flies off into space, Piett and Herve stand at the bow of their craft and await a chance to jump ship and board the ravaged pyramid.]
Piett: This is all too easy.
Herve: Indeed. Something's not--
Voice: NGAAHAHHAHHHAHHHHHRRGHH!!!!!!!!
[Suddenly 2 beings leap from the shadows and attack Piett and Herve. With even more relative ease, they handle their new mysterious foes and send them to their makers, courtesy of a fatal throat assault and a 5 fingered death punch to the heart.]
Piett: Hey, that tasted good! I can see why you do it!
Herve: Wait, did you do that?! [looks at his hand] GAH!!!!
[Herve, seeing that his death punch resulted in the complete removal of his enemy's heart, shrieks and throws it away.]
Piett: For shame. You're not supposed to actually pull his heart out with that punch. Not without yelling "Kalima!", at least.
Herve: I would think pulling someone's heart out of their chest would be impressive enough, but these are the standards we're dealt, it seems.
[Darkseid, Cosmos and Chronos saunter in. Darkseid appears to be checking his smartphone device.]
Herve: Are you texting in the middle of our adventure??
Darkseid: No, I'm looking at hilarious lolcat photos I've collected.
Chronos [looking over Darkseid's shoulder]: Those aren't lolcat photos, they're tortured hobos and denizens of whatever planet you're from.
Darkseid: Well......they're hilarious, at least.
Chronos: Gah.
Cosmos: I want to cry and vomit at the same time. And not from the proper orifaces either.
Piett: Thanks for the help.
Darkseid: I don't do physical confrontations. Makes me cooler and eviler.
Herve: "Eviler?"
Darkseid: God. Gods can make up words too.
[Cosmos goes to turn around and vomit when he seems....something very off about the 2 dead attackers. As the other venture onward, he kneels down and gazes at their faces. His eyes widen. He is horrified. He turns and runs to the others.]
Cosmos: Piett!! Herve!! Others!!! WAIT!!!!!!
[But it is too late. The others have arrived in the vast and hideous inner sanctum of the Space Mayan pyramid. Quickly all their eyes are transfixed on a large object, that rotates slowly and emits a bright bright bright gold light throughout the cavernous innards of the craft.]
Darkseid: The. FUCK.
Chronos: Dear Gods, it's not Space Mayans. Or even Space Nazis. [shakes fist] AT ALL.
Herve: It's......
Piett: It's......
[Ever so dramatic pause.]
Piett: McDonaldLand.
[Pause]
Darkseid: And I'm outs. [opens a Boom TubeBOOM!!!!!!! and departs this story]
Herve: Coast to Coast AM didn't see this one coming, I reckon.
Piett: Probably, though I don't listen commonly anymore so I can't speak fo--
Herve: TRUST ME, THEY DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.
*to be continued...*
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