Herve: You know, I'm really glad this whole adventure didn't do more with the Five Weeks in a Balloon movie premise.
Piett: Oh, it did.
Herve: Say what now?
Piett: Yeah. Like, 2 hours in I saw another craft following us. Some Montgolfier monstrosity populated by sheiks, slave girls, traders, pirates, African warriors, British explorers and a chimpanzee, Pretty sure I saw Sir Cedric Hardwicke too, looking as bored and insulted as he did in that movie.
Herve: And what happened to them?
Piett: I shot their balloon with my ray gun and they fell into a black hole.
Herve: Bless you, sir. Wait.....are you drinking a mint julep?
Piett: It is.
Herve: How did you make a mint julep?
Piett: We have a bar.
[Shocked pause.]
Herve: [angrily repeats] WE HAVE A BAR.
Piett: Yes.
Herve: Why didn't you say anything about the presence of liquor on this vessel earlier?!?
Piett: Why should I? The tell-tale signs were all there. Especially the one marked "Cosmos and Chronos have been obviously drunk for most of this voyage."
Herve: They.....I thought they were sick from floating around in an old timey balloon for what seems like a week!!
Piett: Maybe. Or maybe *I've* been drunk. This whole adventure has been a little too oddly cosmic and stupid to be explained as being just cosmic and stupid.
Chronos: Guys, we're landing.
Herve: Well good, drunkie. We'll finally be done with this multi-part mess and I can get some shut-eye in my very firm and stable apartment.
Chronos: And by landing, I mean "we have no idea how to land it, but it's going down and we have no idea how to land it."
Piett: What?! [drops his mint julep] OH GOD MY MINT JULEP!
Herve: Well where's the manual on how to fly this damned thing?!
Cosmos: It's all in Chitauri. [hands the book to Herve] I'm going with that as their name of their language as well as the name of their race.
Herve: Fucking reptilians!!!
Piett: And there's a note. In English, oddly enough. [clears throat] Dear Space-Time Continuum svine.
[Cosmos and Herve seem to sink in place. Chronos' head perks up and his eyes widen.]
Cosmos and Herve [horrified]: What.
Chronos [giddy]: Keep reading!
Piett [clears throat]: "Ve hope you have been enjoying your escapades in zis marvelous contraption. Unfortunately you vill discover upon final approach to your..." Jewzen?..."lair zat ze landing mechanisms of zis craft have been, how you say, disabled un destroyed. Enjoy your fiery death un enjoy your eternity in your damnable..." geez, that word "Jewzen" again...."Valhalla. Sincerely.......oh no.
Chronos: SAY IT!!! YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAYS!!!
[Piett can't bring himself to do it. Chronos grabs the note and finishes it.]
Chronos: Sincerely.....Space Hitler!!!! [throws the note down fiercely] I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!!
[Cosmos, Piett and Herve sigh, as their each give Chronos a 20-oz bottle of Pepsi Next.]
Chronos: Payoff is a BITCH! Land this shit on your own, sons! [leaves the bridge to drink his Pepsi Nexts]
Herve: At least tell me Walsh got a check for this Pepsi Next advertising.
Piett: If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?
Herve: Probably not.
Cosmos [to self]: Really?
Piett: And there's your answer in this case too.
Herve: Idiot.
[Herve punches himself in the dick.]
Herve: NGARHGH!!!
Piett: Ok, Walsh, OK!!!
Cosmos: Can we stop the silly banter and LAND THE GOD DAMN OLD TIMEY HOT AIR BALLOON?!?!!!!
Piett: If only that clayamated Mark Twain was still here! I suspect he'd know how to land this thing?
Herve: Did we ever get an explanation for his appearance?
Piett: It was for an awful Adventures of Mark Twain reference that wasn't really worth it, really.
[Herve runs over to the chair where claymated Mark Twain was sitting.]
Herve: WAIT! [picks something up] Maybe you can use your magic, Cosmos, to revive this piece of clay and reanimated it into a clone of Mark Twain!
Piett: I don't think that's clay. I think that's poo.
Herve: It's CLAY!
Cosmos: I do magic? Huh. What the hell, let's give it a whirl.
[Moments later.]
Cosmos: I just gave life to a giant shit monster.
Piett: It wasn't clay.
Herve: Yeah, it was poo. I get that now.
[As the giant shit monster stumbles about, Cosmos goes to get rid of it somehow as Piett and Herve look out toward the mansion and ponder their fates.]
Piett and Herve [simultaneously]: I think I'd have rather gone out like they did in Knowing.
[Pause]
Piett: Can we hug again?
Herve: Please yes.
[They hug, as Cosmos, covered in shit from having given the shit monster the heave-ho, walks back toward them. Suddenly he sees something and runs to the bow of the craft. What covers him splashes onto the 2 huggers and they react.....accordingly.]
Piett: Jesus fuck!
Herve: Oh god!! It's in my eye! He got some of that sh--
Piett: It's clay! It was clay! Clay in your eye!! Please God, it was ALWAYS CLAY!!!!
Cosmos: You fools, LOOK!!!
[Herve and Piett wipe the.....clay.....off them and, as Chronos rejoins them all while sipping his Pepsi Next, Cosmos points out toward the approaching mansion of the Space-Time Continuum, and all (except Chronos) are quite surprised by what they see: a giant crowd of people with trucks, tents, and a plethora of other objects and things associated with an emmense Pepsi Next advertising campaign, situated on the grounds of the mansion.]
Chronos: Oh sweet, they showed.
Cosmos: Now is our chance. Herve! Steer the craft toward them!
Chronos: Wha?
Herve: Why are you asking the midget to steer the whopping big old timey hot air b--
Cosmos: JUST DO IT!!!!!
[Herve harumphs, grabs the giant wheel at the front of the bridge and steers the craft toward the crowd. Very quickly, the once teeming celebratory masses turn into a chaotic and screaming mob of victims as the craft approaches. Within moments, their fate is most clear: they are being used as a giant and living cushion for the old timey hot air balloon's rough landing. All flee, but not all succeed. The craft lands and a massacre commences. A giant Pepsi icon is crushed, and several people leap to certain cosmic deaths from the meteoroid that houses the mansion. The craft slides across the ground, smearing the blood of innocents across the rocky ground. On a balcony nearby, Cadmus - the house aide - sits in a lounge chair sipping a cool Nestea Sweet Tea. He promptly spits it out at the sight of all this awful carnage.]
Cadmus: THE HELL!!!! [looks at his Nestea Sweet Tea] I blame YOU for this, you monsterous creation! [throws the bottle away] PEPSI IS MY GOD!!!
[Suddenly an anchor smashes him in the head and knocks him out.]
Herve [from afar]: Hey, I found the anchor! [pause] Far too late for a lot of these people, it seems. [pause] And as I further postulate, I'm pretty sure we coulda just used this anchor to tether ourselves in the air and pull our way down. [pause] The gross amount of carnage was worth it, though.
Piett: Where did all these people come from?!
Chronos: So I'm a major sponsor of Pepsi Next and want to see it succeed. It's what I should've done for Crystal Pepsi.
Cosmos: You should be in marketing.
Chronos: What's that?
Cosmos: Never mind.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Epilogue: December 21, 2012. 11:59 PM STCT.
Joe Q. Public: That means Space-Time Continuum Time.
Herve: I told you he'd be back.
[Piett, Herve, Cosmos, Chronos and a mass of other supporting characters sit around a television, awaiting the Mayan prophesy to come true. Cadmus walks by, serving people Pepsi Next, as life itself hangs in the balance.]
HG Wells: Wait, what time does 2012 happen on December 21, 2012? I figured it would've been earlier in the day.
Landozzel: And why are WE here? We're the bad guys.
Ben the Spider-Man: The Lord Jesus will embrace us whether we are heroes or villains nonetheless.
Supreme Pontiff Hook: Oh fuck, not another religious nut. Can't I just die with heathens and bastards in peace?
[Everyone just instinctively closes their eyes as the clock begins to slowly.......reach........the end.......of...................the day? December 21st gives in and December 22nd commences. Everyone opens their eyes.]
Chronos: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!
[Everyone laughs, while Cosmos snaps his fingers and kinda looks upset. Almost like he couldn't destroy the universe himself, being the master of space and all. Or even save it, because he's the master of space and they were just Mayans who went extinct or something. Huh. I think I really discovered a gaping hole in the logic of this entire story. Oh well. Wouldn't be the first. Anyway, the majority of the characters depart, leaving Herve and Piett sitting in front of the television, where FOX News adorns the screen.]
Herve: Hang on, we were about to die with FOX News on?! Good grief.
"Fair" and "balanced" Republican news anchor: And in breaking news [FOX News stinger hits] news from the cosmos, the planet Chitauri crashed into the planet Apokolips today.
Piett: FOX News has affiliates in space. So THAT's how they get the ratings.
"Fair" and "balanced" Republican news anchor: The Chitauri race, or "reptilians" as we can now call them because they're all dead and can't sue us for being careless bigots, were completely annihilated. Orion, the lord of Apokolips, released a statement to the press indicating that he was abdicating his throne in the wake of the calamity, concluding with a blunt "Fuck this, I quit." Moments later, his father Darkseid jumped back into power, releasing his own statement that simply read "WHAAAAAAAASUP!!!!!"
[Piett shuts off the TV and they both just sit there in silence.]
Herve: So it was THEIR 2012. I see.
[Pause]
Piett: I'm going to ignore the cosmic impossibility, shoddy timeline and pure stupidity of all that and just agree with that. Yeah. [walks out of this story]
*fin*
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