Quantum Piett and the Hall of Presidents

[The year: 1994. Herve and Piett arrive....somewhere.]

Herve: Are we here? Are we in time?!
Piett: I dunno! I sure as hell hope so!
Herve: Which way?!
Piett: Presumably where all the noise is coming from! Are you sure--
Herve: Shit, all the noise?! Then we're...oh NO!!!

[Herve and Piett run to a door, and open it. Before them.....well, a great distance before them, they see the 2 figure embracing on stage. The crowd of fans and industry bigwigs stands and cheers, as the TV cameras zoom in to capture this momentous occasion: Michael Jackson and . Herve and Piett, standing in a doorway at the far end of the 1994 MTV Video Music Awards auditorium, stand in disappointment and relative disgust.]

Herve [mockingly]: "Too late...."
Piett: Arghhhh.....uggggh.....guhhhhuhuhuhuhh.....*shudders and makes gagging gross noises to denote how much the kiss freaks him out*

*******

[Elsewhere/when/how, aboard the Executor II, a phone rings. As the ship passes through the vast unknown bounds of the multiverse, a woman picks the receiver up and sits in her lounge chair, gazing out onto the passing stars and cosmos.]

Lucy Ferr: Que?
Piett [on the other end, obviously]: Oh, I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number.
[He hangs up.]

[Some moments pass. Lucy sits in her chair, slightly aghast at what's happened.]

[The phone rings again. She picks up again.]

Piett: ........I thought you were Spanish, dear. Sorry.
Lucy: Que?
Piett: Oh shit, did I call a number in a reality where I married a Mexican? Gross.
Lucy: You putz, I'm fucking with you!!
Piett: Naturally. I knew that all along.
Lucy: Somehow, I seriously doubt that.
Piett: Wha? I couldn't hear you.
Lucy: I said *mwah*!
Piett: Riiiiiight.
Lucy: So did you get there in time?
Piett: We did not.
Lucy: Aren't you time travelers? Isn't this kind of thing, um, fixable? Redoable?
Piett: To be honest......yes, but we're intigued by the backup plan too much to do a retry.
Lucy: Are you serious?
Piett: I totally am.
Lucy: It's an insidious plan, and I don't think our marriage can survive it?
Piett: Shit, really??
Lucy: No, but thanks for the concern. So, plan B then?
Piett: I thought he called it plan N?
Lucy: Oh yeah, he's a clever one. Hold on. [calls out] Hey brainiac! Phone!

[Lucy holds out the phone and extends it to someone standing nearby. He walks over casually and takes the phone.]

Elvis Presley: Hey baby.
Piett: I told you to stop saying that.
Herve [in the background]: Did he call you "baby" again?
Piett: He did. It's really creepy. And sexy. And then more creepy.
Herve: He doesn't call *me* "baby." I wonder why...
Piett: Maybe because you remind him of a real baby. Because you're a midget. Small. Not tall. At all. Heh, that rhymes.
Herve: Fuck you, ass!
Elvis: Are you lovebirds done yet?
Lucy [imagines just....just awful things]: EWW...
Piett: We're done. Go ahead, Elvis, tell us about Plan B.
Elvis: Plan N, baby.
Herve [in the background, shuddering]: Holy hell, it's like I can *feel* him saying "baby" every time!
Elvis: The backup plan is....a risk. One that I can't even guarantee But if it's done right, it will ensure the safety of rock and roll....and all of life as we know it.
Piett: Risks are nothing new to us. It's one we're willing to take, baby.
Elvis: Don't call me "baby", it's creepy.
Piett: The hell!
Elvis: I also have to tell you.....it's kinda dark.
Piett: Those are the best kinds of risks, man.
Elvis: Like, possibly Satanic dark.
Piett: Not a problem. I bang the devil's sister regularly.

[Elvis makes one of those faces that looks like the O_o emoticon as he stares at Lucy, who waves and also thinks Elvis is having a strokes because...let's face it, that emoticon looks like someone's having a stroke. He returns to the phone conversation.]

Elvis: And it involves Disney World.
Piett: What?
Lucy: What?
Herve [in the background]: What? [pause] I have no idea what I'm reacting to!
Piett: Disney World? Oh, oh no.
Elvis: Why not? It's the most magical plac--
Piett: It is not, and some being worse than Satan is responsible for that lie!
Lucy: We were just at, like, all the Star Wars weekends. And we are just totally Star Wars'ed out for at least another year.
Piett: And Disney'd out. I swear, if I ever see another Dwarf or Toy Story character or foreigner who reminds me of the World Showcase, I'll murder them.
Herve: I'm a dwarf! You haven't killed me.
Piett: It would not entertain me to kill you. Yet.
Herve: Yikes.
Piett: Plus I had this whole time travel fight against Walt Disney himself at some point in the timeline of my adventures, and it was very disconcerting. There's no way I'm going back to Disney World.
Elvis: You don't have to do much, man.
Piett: Christ no. Looks like I'll have to go back in time and just get to the MTV Awards earlier then.
Elvis: The Hall of Presidents is barely even Disney.
Piett: WHAT?!
Lucy: WHAT?!
Herve [sitting at computer, still way off in the background]: WHAT?! [pause] It actually cost $350 million to make and market GREEN LANTERN, Box Office Mojo.com?!?! That's sick! SICK!!!
Piett: Elvis! Did you say The Hall of Presidents?!?
Elvis [nervous]: I.....I did, baby.
Piett: Hot shit!!! WE'RE GOIN' TO THE HALL OF PRESIDENTS!!!

[Lucy jumps up and down in glee. Herve continues to bitch and moan about movies costing too much and underperforming at the box office, and also about how despite these vast amounts of money it's still considered a flop. And Piett starts to book a trip to Disney World until he realizes he can travel through time and thus doesn't have to do that normal kind of shit. All the while Elvis, in a case of really not getting it (much like you, probably, loyal reader) shakes his head, wondering if fighting off death all these years was even worth the effort.]

*******

[Liberty Square, Disney World. Piett, Herve and Lucy emerge from a portal directly underneath the Liberty Tree, and walk right into the building. Because no one else cares about the Hall of Presidents, no one notices a time portal and 3 people appearing out of nowhere, and thus there is no ruckus, hubbub, fracas or hullabaloo about it.]

Herve: Eck, this narration is depressing. Remind me again why no one cares about the Hall of Presidents.
Piett: Because Americans these days care nothing for history, whether it be their own or the history of others. How I long for an America that recognizes and worships its own greatness, historical and otherwise.
Herve: But you do.
Piett: Dude.....of course. It's the Hall of Presidents.
Herve: And you do too?
Lucy: We banged here really well once. [pause] Oh, and all the history junk is cool too. But I mostly remember the banging.
Herve: Wow. I do not get it.
Lucy: You will, Herve. You will...

[Long pause]

Herve: Wait, are you gonna bang me?
Lucy: NO!
Herve: Drat, foiled again...

[Some minutes later they enter the main auditorium of the Hall of Presidents attraction. There is pretty much no one in there at all, save one person sitting across the room, possibly sleeping.]

Herve: They have an attraction featuring audio-animatronic figures of every single American president, rambling about American ideals and honor, to an audience of 1 freakin' person. [pause] Tell me again how Disney's resisted the urge to tear this place down and build some annoying Pixar movie attaction atop its ruins?
Lucy: Actually, I always wondered how they haven't destroyed the legacy of this place with a live action movie yet.
Piett: Because even Disney understands that Nicolas Cage did enough damage with The Sorcerer's Apprentice.
Herve: And National Treasure 2.
Piett: That wasn't a Disney attraction movie. And it was based on nothing. [looks skyward] Except the truth.
Herve: So what now?
Lucy: Well, to conjure the souls will take a sacrifice.

[Herve looks pitifully at the 1 single person sitting in the seats. He gulps, and feels bad for that poor bastard. Piett's eyes meet where Herve's are locked.]
Piett: Oh good, he IS stil here. [yells out] DISCOMBOBULATOR!

[The person in the seats turns his head slowly. It is an extra moment or two before he lets out a response.]

Discombobulator: FINALLY. You're freeing me from this hell at last!
Herve: Who the shitfuck is that?
Piett: That's the Discombobulator. Remember?
Herve: I do not remember this.
Piett: Oh yeah, you weren't part of that adventure. Or it didn't happen yet. [pause] The timeline's gone to heck since Walsh stopped keeping track of it.

[Piett and Lucy walk down the long empty row of seats to meet the Discombobulator. Herve is confusedly in tow. Is confusedly even a word? Hell if I know.]

Discombobulator: Thank Roosevelt, you've finally come.
Piett: Calm down, Discombobulator. We're not here to free you.
Discombobulator: WHAT?! But...but you said you'd return to let me go! When you imprisoned me here for "all eternity" after the Battle of Camp Crystal Lake - which, honestly, is a fate worse than death because I'm an undereducated American disinterested in anything to do with American history - you said that only your return to this place would mean my freedom. And here you are! To free me! That was your promise!!
Lucy: Well, we are here to free you. Just not the way you think.

[The Discombobulator is silent for a moment. Then he surmises the meaning of that statement, and he also makes the O_o emoticon face.]

*******

[Moments later, the Discombobulator is strapped and lashed to a giant slab of granite, in front of the empty seats and before the Presidents stage. The Discombobulator cries and screams in horror, as Lucy prepares this evil ritual and cleans & sharpens a whoppin' huge sabre. Presumably to stab the guy with.]

Piett: However did we find this giant slab of granite again?
Lucy: Less questions, honey, and more unholy murmuring.
Herve: Uh....that gulp from earlier? I didn't think its foreshadowed meaning would be realized this quick.
Piett: What?
Herve: Nothing.
Lucy: Ok, so this is how it goes. You 2 murmur these Satanic chants, while I sharpen the blade and gut him. Then he shrieks the names of the soul that must be bonded with their mortal forms, and Plan N can begin from there.
Herve: Guys, this is.....new.
Piett: How so?
Herve: Well, um, murdering someone and sacrificing their blood to Satan? I didn't think this was part of the character profiles.
Lucy: It's perfectly in character, hon. If anything, I'm being used properly for once.
Piett: Dude, we're killing a man called The Discombobulator. He killed children and ate their body parts. Then made love to old women while wearing their entrails, and then crushed their skulls with a mallet. Also something about cleansing the world of the black man and the Jew, or black Jews or....well, I was too lost in the blood rage by that point to listen clearly to everything he was babbling.
Herve: Holy shit.
Piett: Trust me, it was all just wrong, man. He totally deserves this.
Herve: Is it wrong that I wanna see this adventure now?!
Lucy: The significance of Plan N's success relies on this ceremony. If we don't save rock and roll....and all of life as we know it, then the world will be destroyed, and what we're about to do here will pale in comparison to the suffering of all mankind.
Piett: And rock and roll.
Lucy: Yeah.
Herve: Enough with the rambling and let's get to killing this asshole already!
Piett: You've done a turnaround, all of a sudden.
Herve: It's the blood rage, I tells ya!
Piett: Actually, I wasn't consumed. I just wasn't listening to him and thinking of banging Lucy the whole time.
Lucy: Which is what we did after we came and imprisoned him here. Best sex ever. [looks at the reader(s)] See, it's ALL connected!!

[Without much more haste, Lucy lifts the giant sabre over her head, and as Piett and Herve murmur various devilish murmurings, Lucy runs the sabre clear through the Discombobulator and into the giant slab of granite beneath him. The poor imprisoned child-eater and old-lady-fucker screams; and as he does, he says the name of the soul which Plan N was created to free and return to mortal life.]

Discombobulator: RICHARD MILHOUS NIXONNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!

[As the Discombobulator departs from this mortal coil, the soul of one who already had returns once more, emerging from the sabre-created wound and slithering thru the air across the view of all present. It finally reaches its target and enters it. Several flashes of light later, one of the animatronic figures begins to move, against its basic programming, and literally comes to life.]

Richard Nixon: Jesus, Henry, that hurts! [pauses] Wait, what.....where am I? [looks at Piett and Co.] Who are y.....why the FUCK can't I move properly?!
Piett: I'm Firmus Piett, and this is Lucy Ferr and Herve Villechaize. You're an animatronic figure, Nixon. Welcome back.
Nixon: Son of a bitch, this is awkward. What is all....wait, what is that?
[Nixon eyes the Satanic awkwardness behind Piett and the others.]
Nixon: Mother fucker, I'm back.
Herve: Holy crap, it's Nixon. Elvis wasn't lying, this Plan N of his really was gonna bring Nixon back!
Lucy: That was the point of Plan N - bring Nixon back to defeat the threat of Michael Jackson. [pause] That sounds so lame all of a sudden. Huh.
Piett: But not just Nixon.
Nixon: Oh, that's right. The others.

[Nixon turns around and eyes the remaining 43 US Presidents standing on the stage with him. One by one, he spots certain individuals, and yells their names.]

Nixon: ABRAHAM LINCOLN!!!

[Suddenly, the animatronic body of Abe Lincoln cracks from its limited robotic position and comes to life. Immediately he grabs the back of his head.]

Lincoln: ....eeeEEEEAARGHHHHH!!!!! Fucking South shot me in the head!!!! [pause] Wait, wha......Nixon?!?
Herve [aside to Piett]: Dude, Lincoln knows who Nixon is.
Piett: Duh. They were both in Hell together.

[Herve stares at Piett with a O_o look on his face.]

Piett: Fuck me, Walsh really *has* to stop using that emoticon. It does NOT translate to the human face well at all.
Nixon: FRANKLIN PIERCE!!!

[Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States, emerges from an eternal slumber and comes to life.]

Franklin Pierce: Oh dear, oh dear!
Lucy: Franklin Pierce sounds just like C3P0.
Piett: I guess it works, then, that he's an awkwardly moving animatronic and will move around like 3P0 too. This could be amusing outside this one scene.
Herve: Or not.
Piett: Or not, yeah.
Nixon: RUTHERFORD BIRCHARD HAYES!!!

[The long-bearded 19th President also arises from the depths of death.]

Piett: Hayes? He was part of the plan?
Nixon: Not really. But the guy never did anything significant in life, I figured he could use a career highlight.
Rutherford B. Hayes: But I oversaw the end of Reconstruction and made the first serious attempts to get the South to accept civil rights laws!
Herve: No one knows that shit anymore! People hate American history!
Nixon: And......ugh. No. I can't do it.
Piett: What?

[Piett sees the direction, and the figure, that Nixon is looking at.]

Piett: Nixon, you have to.
Nixon: I can't. He's the one person I......no, even when......dammit, I WON'T!
Piett: You MUST! The plan MUST be implimented! His presidency ended by the tragedy of FATE! He was the greatest of his time, DAMNED by the era he lived in! In another time, another place, he would've been heralded the greatest of ALL! Do it, Nixon! CALL FORTH his name! Bring him back to US! NOW!
Lincoln: Wow. Fuck you too.

[Herve turns to Lucy.]

Herve: Ok, is he looking at George W. Bush? It looks like he is from here.
Lucy: No, he is definitely not.
Herve: Oh thank God. Because all that stuff he said kinda applies to Bush, in a sick twisted Fox Newsie way. Plus Bush is still alive and well, so that'd make no sense.
Nixon: FUCK!

[Suddenly the animatronic body of James K. Polk comes to life beside Lucy Ferr. He stops and looks at a confused lot of people looking right back at him.]

James K. Polk: .....he didn't say "Polk", did he?
Lucy: He did not.
James K. Polk: Ah. Ok. [returns to lifelessness]
Lucy: How randomly cute was that?
Nixon: Alright, fine. Fine.

[Nixon rubs his eyes, in a clumsy animatronic way, and then begrudgingly call out the name.]

Nixon: JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY!!!

[Kennedy, to the delight of Democrat Massholes everywhere, comes back to life.]

JFK: And so my fellow Americans! Ask NOT what your country can do for you.....ask what you can do for your country!

[Herve looks at the Barack Obama animatronic figure and wants to say something, but chooses instead not to make any politically satirical comment, given the ridiculousness going on around him.]

JFK: Ich bin e.....oh, hello, Nixon.
Nixon: Hello, Kennedy.
Piett: Well, this is touching. Now if you don't mind let's get going. You can make out and do any extra plot exposition on the ride. We've got work to do! ALLONS-Y!!!

[Piett hits his belt buckle time device and leaps heroically into a portal. No one follows. Some moments pass before he re-emerges from the portal.]

Piett: That's French, for "Let's go!"

[Pause. No one is impressed. Pause.]

Piett: .......I'm sorry I spoke French.

[Everyone in the Hall of Presidents (in a position to say anything) accepts his begrudging apology in various manners, and file into the portal along with him.]

Herve: Well, it's good to know *that* particular hatred is eternal...

*******

[Seconds later, as Piett, Nixon and others have disappeared, James K. Polk comes back to life anyway. He looks around cautiously, then excitedly (with animatronic movements) moves around the stage, almost unable to control himself.]

James K. Polk: Oh goodness, oh man.....uh.....HEY EVERYBODY!!!

[He yells out, and although he did not specify anyone by name, all the remaining presidential figures come to life.]

James K. Polk: It's happened! There's FINALLY no one in here!

George Washington: By Jove! It has happened!

Andrew Jackson: We can finally do it!

Ulysses S. Grant: Nary a soul in sight to witness it!

Millard Fillmore: Pointless yet on-topic Millard Fillmore cameo!

Barack Obama: Now all 57 of us can celebrate!

[George W. Bush smacks him in the back of the head.]

George W. Bush: Dummy. [pause] There's 82 of us.

[Ignoring Bush (as we all should, really), the presidents eagerly move around the stage, all line up.........and engage in a Rockettes-like dance, arms on each other's shoulders, singing along to the chorus lines of "New York New York" and kicking as high as they can into the air.]

[This goes on for longer than anyone should admit to.]

*******

[Some time afterwards, the group of heroes emerge onstage at the 1994 MTV Music Awards, just as Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley have walked out. Before they can suck face, Nixon leaps forwards and socks them both in the mouth. Rutherford B. Hayes scissor-kicks Michael Jackson, while Abe Lincoln bodyslams Lisa Marie onto the stage. Franklin Pierce belches radioactive fire at several approaching security guards, who melt away in a scene of hideous horror, while Piett, Lucy and Herve look on in amazement.]

Piett: This is a VIOLENT plan.
Herve: You knew that going in, dude.
Piett: Yeah, but this is.......this is rough.
Herve: We just performed a Satanic ritual in order to bring these people back to animatronic life, in order to save all mankind.
Piett: And rock and roll.
Herve: Why do you guys keep doing that?!
Lucy: Elvis kept making that distinction. It sounded important.
Herve: He's from Tennessee! He's too dumb to know what's important and what's not! [looks at the action] Oh look, and now Rutherford B. Hayes is asphyxiating Lisa Marie Presley to death. Lincoln seems grossed out by it, Franklin Pierce is....pulling Michael Jackson's face off, ouch. And where'd Kennedy go??
Piett: Wow, Hayes is not stopping.......he's REALLY not....and now she's dead. [long pause] Wait a minute, Lisa Marie Presley is dead. Was she supposed to die in this plan?
Lucy: No, just captured. Michael Jackson was the one who was supposed to....oh shit.
Piett: What?

[Lucy points at Nixon, who has somehow been fending off the audience the whole time. He is beginning to glow, and those still fighting him stumble back blinded. One bright flash later, Nixon is standing with his arms extended and laughing. Gone are his animatronic features, as apparently.....Richard Nixon is back to his regular human self.]

Piett: Nixon?? What--

Nixon: Haha, you fucking fuckers! This whole plan was just an evil scheme the whole time to bring me back to life!
Herve: What dummies we are!

[Piett and Lucy look at him.]

Herve: Well, we are. Satanic rituals can only result on this kind of malarky. [raises hands] Praise Jebus!

[Piett slaps him.]

Piett: That felt good.
Lucy: While you slapped Herve, Nixon got away.
Piett: Got away?

[Lucy points to Nixon, running down one of the aisles through confused and panicked crowds of music stars and industry big-wigs.]

Piett: This is all just very confusing, and possibly the signs of a very rushed ending.
Lucy: Or at least a mad panic to the climax.
Herve: Oh, Piett should be used to that one at le--

[Piett slaps him again.]

Lucy: That is insanely hot.
Piett: What? Me being all manly with the hitting, or the fact that I smacking a midget around.

[Pause]

Lucy [wide-eyed]: I don't know.
Herve: Ha!

*******

[17 years later, back at the very nice palace of the Space/Time Continuum. Piett is sitting at a computer, as Herve walks by.]

Herve: Hey, FUTURAMA's season premiere is about to start. We'll miss it if you're just gonna sit there and [chuckles] wait, we're time travellers. We'll just go back and watch it from the beginning. [pause] Jesus, dude, are you even listening to me?
Piett: Holy shit, Herv. Look at this.

[Herve walks over to the computer.]

Herve: Ah, Sudden Plot Exposition dot com....
Piett: Just hang in and listen. [reading from the website]: "On December 21, 1970, in what would be become an infamous meeting, President Richard Nixon met Elvis Presley in the Oval Office. As revealed during the 1996 presidential elections by Carl Woodward and Bernstein, it was on that date that Nixon and Elvis made a pact with dark lord Zendo, whom Elvis had been a worshipper of since 1957. Upon Nixon's death, Elvis would sacrifice his daughter Lisa Marie to bring Nixon back to life. Nixon died on April 22, 1994. Mere weeks later, with the assistance of several unknown minions masquerading as American presidents, Lisa Marie Presley was murdered before a live television audience the MTV awards were on June 4. Upon the stage, Richard Nixon returned to life, and began his plot to reclaim the presidency in the next election cycle and take over the world. However, Nixon was stupid and did all this in front of said live television audience. Also, despite winning the Republican nomination overwhelmingly in 1996 after the mysterious and gruesome asphixiation death of then-frontrunner Bob Dole, there was no constitutional way he could legally become president. In the 1996 Presidential elections, he was promptly defeated in a landslide victory.......by a similarly resurrected John F. Kennedy!

[Pause]

Herve: Fuck, we're totally edited out of the real events!
Piett: DUDE. Hang in there. "Upon his inauguration, a new age of America began. Jobs were created across America in scales that eclipsed the positives of FDR's New Deal, unemployment fell to a staggering 0.02%, ingenuity and progress in numerous fields bound into orbit, and the economy propelled the country to beyond superpower levels that no other nation - including the old Soviet Union, the bankrupted oil nations of the Middle East, and even the former supwerpower government of China, rendered insolvent and split into smaller territories in 2002 - have since been able to approach. Former dictators disappeared into the midsts, climaxed by the public suicide of Fidel Castro and the sinking of Cuba into the seas. Attempted hostilities by terrorist factions in Pakistan and Iran were trounced within days and their leaderships executed by the freedom-starved people of those lands, and in 2009 Europe pledged its allegence to America and likewise saw an incredible uptick in prosperiety and peace. In May 2011, a shrine to American greatness was opened in central Florida, headlined by a speech from President Kennedy." [reads silently, eyes gape open] HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!

[Piett jumps up and runs out of the room.]

Herve: What? You didn't finished reading. [reads the rest of the article] Oh. Fuck me sideways.

*******

[Minutes later. Central Florida, the shrine to American greatness. Piett and Lucy sit in the audience, happy and gleeful. Herve sits behind them, with a scowl on his face and his arms crossed, not impressed at all.]

The Rockettes-like line of American Presidents: YA-DA-DADADA! YA-DA-DADADA! YA-DA-DADADA! YA-DA-DADADA!
Herve [disgusted]: The fucking shrine to fucking American greatness is the Fucking Hall of Presidents.
Piett and Lucy: THIS IS THE GREATEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED!!!!!
Herve: Ugh. [pause] And why are they in a Rockettes line, and dancing? How does this display American greatness? [pause] Seriously, if this doesn't improve greatly in the next few seconds I will blow this place up and rape everyone in this audience with a baseball b--

[Suddenly, an animatronic John Wilkes Booth emerges from behind the line of presidents and shoots Lincoln in the head. The other animatronic presidents all gather and stand around Lincoln, as Booth yells something in Latin, breaks his leg falling off the stage and hobbles away. The audience, though, cheers. Herve makes a seriously unhealthy O_o face.........then stands up in his seat.]

Herve: AND I AM CONVERTED!!!!

Narrator: And thus ends the tale of how The Hall of Presidents became the greatest Disney attraction, like.....EVER...

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Epilogue 1..........January 1997...

[In a small deli somewhere in Orange County, California, a man enters and takes a seat at the counter. He picks up a menu and reads, but soon finds himself distracted - like everyone else - by the events transpiring on a TV above them in the corner. It is the Presidential inauguration of Animatronic John F. Kennedy. Elvis groans ever so slightly and leans back. A man sits besides him, disgruntled and ignoring the television. It is clear by his appearance that he is trying to hide his appearance.]

Elvis: So apparently killing Michael Jackson so sadistically in front of a worldwide audience wasn't a good way to convince people you're presidential material.
Nixon: Yeah, apparently it wasn't!
Elvis: We shoulda waited until he was diddling kids.
Nixon [sips his coffee, then spits it out]: Wait, what?!
Elvis: Yeah, apparently he does that in a few years - or at least, he would've appeared to vengeful white people to have done it in a few years.
Nixon: Well, let's just go jump ahead in time and do it right!
Elvis: No can do. Those time travelin' babies were pissed that I lied to them so aggregiously, so they high tailed it and left me stranded in 1996. Ramblin' about "comuppance" or something. So we're stuck here, baby.

[Pause]

Nixon: I hope you still die on a toilet.
Elvis: Jesus, baby. You are a mean son of a bitch. Auh-huh.

[Nixon sips some more of his coffee, and his eyes catch the location of the restroom. He looks at Elvis, then back at the restroom. He smirks.]

[Note to reader: when Nixon smirks, no good can come from it.]

[Suddenly he grabs Elvis by the hair and pulls him off the counter stool.]

Elvis: The hell, baby?!? AHHH!!! [spots a waitress, talking to other members of the deli staff] Ma'am! Somebody!! HELP!!!
Waitress: Shut up, Andy Kaufman, no one believes you and your shit, you liar.
Cook: I knew you were still alive, asshole!
Elvis: Andy Kaufman?! What?!?
Nixon: Oh yeah, I told them Andy Kaufman was coming to meet me here. So they think you're Andy Kaufman, which means no one will believe you. Ever. Welcome to Yorba Linda -- Nixon country, asshole. Meet one of our any toilet bowls. Face first.
Elvis: AAUUUGHHHAARRGHHHHHHHGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

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Epilogue 2..........Harlem, present day...

[In a darkened Harlem alley, a police investigation scene surrounds the lifeless body of Nicolas Cage. He is bloodied, his eyes have been gouged out of his head, and he has apparently been violently raped to death with a baseball bat, which is still shoved halfway up his ass.]

[There, Disney. Now he can't destroy any more of your movie franchise properties. You're welcome.]


*fin*