The Obscure Ones

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Resurrectron 5000 online.

All systems operational.

Identification process underway.




Subject Van Buren, M. Viable. Replication and reconstitution commenced.

Subject Arthur, C.A. No longer viable. Biological data cannot be replicated and reconstituted successfully.

Subject Hayes, R.B. Viable. Replication and reconstitution commenced.

Subject Harrison, B. No longer viable. Biological data cannot be replicated and reconstituted successfully. And besides, Hayes pretty much fulfills the silly facial hair quota.

Subject Ford, G. Viable. Replication and reconstitution....really? He, like, just died, right? Well, whatever, let's do this one for laughs. Replication and reconstitution commenced.

Subject Buchanan, J. Viable. Replication and reconstitution commenced.

Subject Pierce, F. Viable. Replication and reconstitution commenced.

Subject Tyler, J. No longer viable. No good comedy to be extracted from maybe the most pointless President ever.

Subject Coolidge, C. Viable. Replication and reconstitution commenced.

Subject Fillmore, M. Viable. Replication and reconstitution commenced.

Subject Polk, J.K. Viable. But come on, he fought the Mexican War and annexed Texas and California and most of America. To hell with you. Replication and reconstitution not commenced -- showing some Goddamn respect, asshole.

Subject Hoover, H. Viable. Replication and reconsitution commen.....fatal error. Whoops. Oh sh##01011100111101100---*




































[And much like the stock market under Hoover's watch, the behemoth Resurrectron 5000 - located within bowels of the Space/Time Continuum mansion of Cosmos and Chronos - crashes, as it suffers a massive power failure. Piett and Herve look upon the 7 filled human-sized containment tubes and nod in approval.]


*******


[Some hours later, the first of the 7 tubes opens, and the occupant awakens and sits up. As the minutes of revival and confusion progress, the other 6 tubes opens and their denizens also come to. They emerge.....and discover that they are fully clothed, each in their own familiar wardrobes, and in remarkable physical condition. One of them speaks - for the first time in many many years.]

Martin Van Buren (8th President of the United States): Where....am I? Who are all you people?
Calvin Coolidge: (30th President of the United States): Saints preserve us....Martin Van Buren?!
James Buchanan (15th President of the United States): Van Buren? [looks around] My God, I'm alive!
Millard Fillmore (13th President of the United States): As are the rest of us, Mr. Buchanan, though I know nothing of how that can be...
Franklin Pierce (14th President of the United States): .....I have nothing much to add. I'm just bewildered by all of this.
Rutherford B. Hayes (19th President of the United States): I'll bet that bastard Sam Tilden is responsible for this folly!
Gerald Ford (38th President of the United States): I just wish I knew who you people were.

[The room is suddenly illuminated, as Piett and Herve approach the formerly dead presidents, who are descending from their stasis tubes.]

Piett: Oh, Gerald Ford. All the parodies were correct, it seems. You really are just a dim bulb.
Herve: Harsh, man. Doubly so, considering Ford died, like, only a few years ago. How is he a....what'd you call them?
Piett: Obscure one.
Herve: Dude, no. You called them weird ones.
Piett: "Weird" sounded better at the time. Though I meant obscure.
Herve: Well, if you were just bringing back the ones with funky facial hair, I could understand.
Rutherford B. Hayes: I protest, sir!
Franklin Pierce: How did you know he was talking about you?
Rutherford B. Hayes: I...[pause]...hoped, though in retrospect I shan't a clue why I'd do that.
Millard Fillmore: Attention whore, anyone?
Martin Van Buren: Language, you uncouth-ed so-and-so!
Piett: I like the mouth on him. Bringing back Fillmore was a good call.
Herve: Don't look at me. I have little idea who any of these folks outside Ford are.
Piett: You can wiki them later. Right now, we have a mission to get to!
Calvin Coolidge: Hold on, sir. We have a right to know what's going on!
Piett: Wait, when did we bring back General Veers?
Calvin Coolidge: What?
Piett: Doesn't he look like General Veers?
Herve: Sadly, thanks to that grand adventure with Wookieepedia, I know what this means. And [sighs] yeah, he totally does.
Calvin Coolidge: Context, gentlemen! This warrants some!
Piett: Never mind. Continue complaining. We'll get this likeness trending somehow.
Calvin Coolidge: They're madmen.
Gerald Ford: Maybe. But he's no Nixon.
Rutherford B. Hayes: You've torn us away from the afterlife, you rapscallions! We were reunited with our family and loved ones!
Martin Van Buren: How can you justify what appears to be a hideous violation of the laws of nature and God?!
Piett: The hows and why are insignificant, gentlemen.
James Buchanan: What about the what-fors, where-with-nots and tally-hos?
Herve: I'm going to kill one of these bastards if the old timey speak doesn't get dialed back a bit.
Piett: Gentlemen, please. If you want me to waste time with explanations, then fine. You've all been brought back to aid us in undoing great wrongs in American history! We would do it, but your fine expertise in this area was necessary.
Gerald Ford: You just called us obscure.
Piett: And who better to right these wrongs than the unexpected! Lincoln and Washington would bring too much attention, FDR wouldn't be able to get up any stairs, JFK would be accosted by too many women. But Hayes and Van Buren and Fillmore and even Ford.....you'd solve these problems with nary a glance happened upon you!
Millard Fillmore: Now you're being condescending.
Herve: Ooh, I do like him too. And he's telling the truth. People these days are so stupid they barely know the famous ones anymore. So if anything, you'd be doing a better job by being even more unknown to the general populace.
Calvin Coolidge: So we're the most obscure of them all? Depressing, really.
Herve: No. You were just the ones we could bring back successfully. Others were attempted but weren't viable.
Piett: Herbert Hoover was close, but....that didn't go well.
Herve: The processor glitched in the middle of his revival. He's literally a big pile of pink fleshy goo now. [points to a small green bucket in the corner] He's over there in that bucket, actually.
James Buchanan: Argh!!
Calvin Coolidge: We did not need to hear that!!
Gerald Ford: Who?
Martin Van Buren: [vomits, because he thinks he needs to outdo everyone else]
Rutherford B. Hayes: Horrifying!
Millard Fillmore: I want to drink it!
Piett: Man, I like...[chuckling]...I like this guy. Very dark with the humor. So now, is that a fine enough explanation for you?!
Rutherford B. Hayes: And when this mission, however complex, is complete...?
Piett: Yes, yes, you'll be back in the grave with your loved ones, and your remains still enshrined and honored by those who still remember you.
Herve: And hell, when it's all done maybe your legacies will even be a bit shinier for these missions you're about to embark upon.

[A long, and possibly dramatic (filled with much soul-searching and ponderment), pause.]

Calvin Coolidge: Alright then, I'm fine with this.
Martin Van Buren: As am I.
Rutherford B. Hayes: I agree with my colleagues.
Millard Fillmore: Well if we're doing the roll call of acceptance, then sure what the hell.
Piett: Can I keep you? Please?
Herve: Now let's get a....wait, where's Franklin Pierce?
Gerald Ford: Who's that?
Herve: The schtick's gotten old, Gerry. Shut up now.
Piett: He's over in that corner. Hold on, I'll get him.

[Piett walks over, and sees that Franklin Pierce is huddled in the corner.....sobbing. He kneels down next to the president and puts his arm on his shoulder.]

Piett: Hey....hey there, buddy. What's the matter?
Franklin Pierce: I'm...I'm too obscure for even this congregation of obscure presidents. What good am I to them? To you? To anyone??
Piett: Hey now there, big guy. Lemme tell you something. [scoots up next to him, puts his arm around him] Let me tell you about a really useless president. His name was William Henry Harrison, and he got a cold at his own inauguration and died about a month later. That's it. Those who bother to remember history know him as "shithead who got the cold at his own party and died from it." And if we had brought him back, he'd just complain and gripe the whole time about that, or just go on about how he feels under the weather all the time. But you....you have a relatively clean slate. What did you do? I don't know. And no one else does either. But now you can do things now that will characterize you with even greater honor for future generations.
Franklin Pierce: But I have a college named after me. Surely I am remembered by someone?
Piett: You have a college in Middle of Nowhere, New Hampshire, where even the cellphone satellites can't locate. That so does not count.
Franklin Pierce: Well.....[stands up].....I suppose I'll do what I can.
Piett: There's a trooper. Now go on, join up with the rest.

[Franklin Pierce runs back to the presidential group, where they welcome him with open arms and hand clasps. Millard Fillmore rolls his eyes, and Piett falls in love with him even more or something. They activate a portal that opens up closely behind the group.]

Martin Van Buren: So when we get to....wherever we're going?
Piett: Don't worry. I think you'll recognize the destination very well when you arrive.
Herve: You'll know who to meet up with, too. Just think about it.
Rutherford B. Hayes: Farewell, comrades.
James Buchanan: We shall do you proud!
Gerald Ford: Bye bye!

[The presidents enter the portal, which, as the last of them disappear into the light, shuts quickly behind them. As it does, Cosmos and Chronos emerge from the ether beside Piett, Herve and the deactivated Resurrectron 5000.]

Chronos: Did you bring those presidents back yet?
Cosmos: Oh shit, did you break the Resurrectron?!
Piett: It crashed while Hoover was being revived.

[Silence.]

Piett: That was a presidential joke.

[Still silence.]

Piett: Never mind. Yeah, we're done.
Chronos: Good. Because we can only take so much of these fucking On Demand highlights and media crap. If I see another Hunger Games interview, I'm gonna do awful things to myself.
Herve: Don't you already do that?
Chronos: Says one to know one.
Herve: That makes so little sense, if any. You need to understand that every thought in your brain doesn't need to exit your mouth and embarrass the rest of us.
Chronos: Fuck me sideways, dude, that smarts.
Herve: Eh, this old timey president shit really got to me.
Cosmos: But you didn't want to do this job. It's your own doing you had to go to these bounds.
Piett: We......we just can't find a way to give a shit about this adventure. I mean, history is cool, and politics.....eh.
Herve: No, history and politics suck.
Piett: Whatevs. But we're totally not feeling this one.
Herve: The Hall of Presidents thing was enough.
Piett: Yeah, the Hall of Presidents thing was enough.
Herve: So we said, get these assholes to do it, and see how it goes.
Piett: Plus I'm scheming and plotting and stuff. Big hush hush thing.
Cosmos: Right.
Piett: No really, I am.
Chronos: Fair enough. Think they'll get the job done?
Piett: And if they don't?
Cosmos: Eh. No big loss. We'll get by somehow. Now let's get back to Walking Dead, please.
Herve: Is this the episode where Shane dies?
Cosmos: And I'm out.
Piett: Oh brother, another dork who never read the comics.
Chronos: Just think about that sentence, Piett.
Herve: Now that's a good one, Chronos. Say more shit like that, please.
Chronos: I.........nope, nothing. Shutting up now.
Herve: He learns....[pats Chronos on the shoulder confidently]....he learns.

*******

Piett: Seriously. I'm really gonna try to get this Coolidge/General Veers thing trending. How does one do that?
Herve: Something with hashmarks and twits and.....I don't know.

*******

[And back to Washington D.C. again. On the front lawn of the White House, the 7 ex-dead presidents appear thanks to the magic of space, time and shoddy descriptive writing.

Gerald Ford: ....and that's how American history has progressed since the early 1800's.
Millard Fillmore: Ok, I'm going to assume you're an idiot because much of what you said is just mindless drivel. Not to mention that the odd spacemen seemed to clearly state you were an idiot anyway, but now I know for certain. [scoffs] I mean, men on the moon? We can barely manage affairs on Earth, why are we flying off into the unknown?
Gerald Ford: You're not a happy man nor have you ever been one.
Millard Fillmore: I just want a hug.

[No one gives him a hug. He scoffs and carries on. As they look around, they also notice that Rutherford B. Hayes looks very different.]

Franklin Pierce: Good lord, did you shave your board off?!
James Buchanan: And when....and how?!!?
Rutherford B. Hayes [perplexed, with hands on face]: I....don't know! Although it's nice to finally feel my chin and mouth after 100 years!
Martin Van Buren: This entire affair has been a colossal expenditure of my wits and patience. When I go back to the grave, I intend on speaking to our Lord about doing something about all this nonsense.
Franklin Pierce: I've met God. And Jesus. They're nice, although a lot more Jewish than I'd have realized.
Martin Van Buren: God? By the depths no, I speak of Cthulhu.
Gerald Ford: Cthulhu?
Martin Van Buren: Yes. The dreaming Great Old elder god of R'lyeh. The--
James Buchanan: Just stop.
Martin Van Buren: What?
James Buchanan: I've been dead almost 150 years, but even I know the Cthulhu thing just needs to take a rest.
Calvin Coolidge: I fear something is dreadfully wrong here.
Martin Van Buren: As I was in the middle of exp--
Calvin Coolidge: No. I mean.....look where we are.

[Coolidge points to the building they've all apparently missed: the White House. They are startled.]

Gerald Ford: Hey, I know this place.
Calvin Coolidge: Shouldn't there be Secret Service?
Millard Fillmore: A what?
Calvin Coolidge: Security. Where is it all?
James Buchanan: Oh, look at him Millard. "Presidents get security and presumably always have." How droll.
Millard Fillmore: You're James Buchanan, man. You have absolutely no right to mock anyone.
Franklin Pierce: The same could be said for you and I as well, Millard.
Rutherford B. Hayes: Bazinga. [pause] Heh, that was fun to say with no facial hair. By Jove, why didn't I ever shave *before*??
Martin Van Buren [looking upwards]: By Yog-Sogoth, what is THAT?!?!

[As Buchanan slaps Van Buren, all eyes quickly peer upwards, as suddenly into view appears a presidential helicopter.]

Everyone except Calvin Coolidge and Gerald Ford: DEMONRY!!!! AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

[Pierce, Van Buren, Fillmore, Hayes and Buchanan all scatter to and fro as the helicopter lands. Pierce is even flung a bit by the strength of the winds. Coolidge and Ford run off to the side but in a far more calm manner. They are all intercepted by Secret Service officers, who detain the presidents at gunpoint.]

*******

[Some time later, in a holding cell somewhere in the bowels of the White House. With an armed guard standing outside their cell, the presidents sit in an uncomfortable silence. No one can bear to look at each other. Several minutes pass. Finally, Millard Fillmore clears his throat and decides to speak.]

Millard Fillmore: Alright, so we need to talk about the anal intrusion.
Rutherford B. Hayes [to Pierce]: Pay up. I knew he'd be the one to bring it up.
Franklin Pierce: If I had any legal tender or bank notes on me, they'd all be yours.
Millard Fillmore: Tell me your Secret Service didn't do that to people who violated security.
Calvin Coolidge: No. [shifts uncomfortably in seat] That's a new one to me.
James Buchanan: For the love of all that is holy, this country must really be in some awful place if that kind of act is considered an acceptable action for the chief executive's security force.
Voice: There's a lubrication joke there. But I won't make. Nosiree. Not after the last time I made one.
Martin Van Buren: Who's that? Who's there?
Franklin Pierce [softly]: Is there really a joke in there? Do I want to know?
Voice: I'm the vice president of the United States.
James Buchanan: Goodness! What are you doing down here? Has there been a coup d'etat?!
Voice: No, we're not French yet. Still Americans.
Gerald Ford [to himself]: A man after my own heart...
Voice: This is where the big guy sends me after I make a fool of myself in public. I make gaffes when I talk. Lots of them. So I'm down here quite a lot, to think about what I've done. As you can guess, I've done little thinking down here. [if you could hear eyes roll, you'd here them precisely at this point] They considered brain surgery, to smartenize me, but no one knows if his health care program would pay for that either.
Rutherford B. Hayes: I sense more context is needed here, but from the sounds of it this nimrod should be happy he knows how to breathe and not choke to death whenever he speaks.
Voice: You have no idea how many people say exactly that, friend.
Rutherford B. Hayes [aside, to Coolidge]: Ugh, now I'm his friend.
Calvin Coolidge: Look.....since you're obviously able to leave this place, any chance you could do so now....and take you with us?
Voice: Sure, chum, why not? [yells] Guard!

[The Secret Service agent walks over to the other holding cell and opens it. Indeed, a few seconds later Joe Biden - Vice-President of the United States - walks over to the other cell which contains the ex-dead presidents.]

Joe Biden: Ok, you can release these fine gentlemen. They pose no harm to us or anyone.
Agent: Mr. Vice President. Uh, hold on a moment. You can go, but these men were trespassing and I have my orders to--
Joe Biden: I can vouch for them. Executive priviledge and all, right?
Agent: I'm still not sure--
Joe Biden: Look, agent, they're, um....time travelers.
Agent: Time travelers.
Joe Biden: Yes. From the, um, past. They're here to observe and report back to their eras in order to better improve their society and ensure our American destiny is properly fulfilled.....

[Joe Biden coughs, as Calvin Coolidge and the others' eyes widen. The agent, looking at them with a stern face devoid of any emotion, nods, and Biden happily waves the others over as their cell door opens.]

Joe Biden: Like that, guys? Even though my bs gets me in trouble up there, it works wonders down here. [chuckles] Time travelers. Heh. Sometimes I amaze even myself.
Millard Fillmore: Yes.....amazing. [eyes widen] That's the word I'd use to describe all this.

[Calvin Coolidge elbows Fillmore in the side, as the group leaves the detention area.]

*******

[In the White House proper, Joe Biden walks with the group of dead presidents through the hallways. To most of their astonishment, staffers and Secret Service agents pass them by with nary a concern. They walk past a group of tourists on the White House tour, and not a single head turns in recognition. One bored young boy, probably thinking about Handy Manny or Pokemon or Spongebob Squarepants, stares blindly at the group. Millard Fillmore flips him off, and the boy cries to his mother about "that awful white man." The mother, though, silences him, because all white people are awful and, really, just accept it and move on, dickhead.]

Martin Van Buren: You are just a contemptable human being, Mr. Fillmore.
Millard Fillmore: I need something to fill the space where my legacy should be. So I fill it with angst.
James Buchanan: So wait, is this Biden dimwit the contact we were supposed to meet?
Rutherford B. Hayes: The space weirdos seemed bizarre, but I doubt they'd be stupid enough to make this blunderer their contact. I suspect it's someone else.
Gerald Ford: This place is bringing back some memories.......have I been here before?
Martin Van Buren: Seriously, what kind of electorate put this man in office?!
Joe Biden: You know, Mr.....Coolidge, was it? You remind me of someone.
Calvin Coolidge [sighs]: I would think so, sir. I'm--
Joe Biden: Were you in For Your Eyes Only?
Calvin Coolidge: What?
Joe Biden: You were. With the fiddler on the roof guy.....Interpol. Or was it Cobol... You know his name. What's he like?
Calvin Coolidge: Ok, I seriously don't know--

[The group stops, and they realize that they are very near the executive office itself.]

Joe Biden: Well, here we are. The main event.
Gerald Ford: Wait, did they make the Oval Office a boxing ring now?
Martin Van Buren: Please let me kill him!

[James Buchanan kinda has to restrain him, but really Van Buren's lunging at Ford just for show.]

Millard Fillmore: This Cthulhu must just like attention whores, I guess.
James Buchanan: On that I think we can finally agree.
Calvin Coolidge: I believe this is where we meet our contact.
Joe Biden: Your "conta--

[Rutherford B. Hayes smashes Joe Biden over the head with a bust of Zachary Taylor.]

Rutherford B. Hayes: Shazam!
Franklin Pierce: Ahhh!
Calvin Coolidge: What did you do?!
Millard Fillmore: Never mind that! If our contact is in here, let's get to it and get out this nonsensical adventure!!

[Fillmore barges into the Oval Office. And behind the desk sits--]

Millard Fillmore: The FUCK?!?!?!
Rutherford B. Hayes: What is THIS?!!!
Martin Van Buren: Dreaming god, this is MOST alarming!
James Buchanan: Horrors most FOUL!

[Pause]

Franklin Pierce [looks around]: Ok then, I guess I'll have to verbalize it. [ahems, then sarcastically yells] A BLACK PRESIDENT?!?!
Calvin Coolidge: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
Barack Obama: My God, it's true! You *were* coming!!
Millard Fillmore: Pshaw! I....I cannot believe what I'm seeing! What kind of America.....WHAT?!?!
Calvin Coolidge: Holy hell, [turns to Ford] is this really happening?!
Gerald Ford: I worked for Nixon. So this......really isn't shocking to me.
Calvin Coolidge: Thank you for agreeing this man--
Gerald Ford: The racism is nothing new to me usual executive office experience. Black guy as president, though, is a stunner.
Calvin Coolidge: Good lord, I am aghast at you, gentlemen! We are learned men all! How can the thought of an African American being President of these United States be so horrifying to you?!
Franklin Pierce: I *did* mockingly say my piece.
Calvin Coolidge: Shut up, backtracker!
Barack Obama: Gentlemen, please....
Calvin Coolidge: I apologize, Mr. President. This kind of racism is abhorent to me and unbecoming of any dignified man.
Gerard Ford: But it's commonplace on Fox News. [jolts in place] Holy shit, did I just make a witty and relevant statement?!? Did anyone hear me?!
Millard Fillmore: No one's listening to whatever you're saying, Ford.
Gerard Ford: Awww...
Barack Obama: Thanks for that, sir. But now, I need to give you the parameters of the mission. Now let me be clear....this is a dangerous mission, but I believe it's one of the utmost importance to America and the free world.

[Obama goes on about the mission. He speaks in normal and eloquent terms. He is passionate about what he says, and conveys it well to those listening. Some minutes later, after he's explained the task that they've been set out to accomplish, he stops and sits, while his captive audience stands silently. Finally, they speak.]

Millard Fillmore: He's....so inspirational.
Martin Van Buren: It's....it's like I feel hope and change coursing through my very body!
Gerald Ford: I think listening to him actually made me smarter.
Franklin Pierce: This must be like what Jesus was like.
James Buchanan: Pretty sure it's all bullshit, but I feel inclined to believe him because otherwise I'd be called a racist and I just don't need that stigma overshadowing everything I do and say.
Rutherford B. Hayes: I......I cannot do it.
Calvin Coolidge: What?
Rutherford B. Hayes: I cannot listen to these wonderous words and then just go on with my mundane existance. I require something more real and meaningful!
Barack Obama: Of course.
Rutherford B. Hayes: ......and a name change. That'd be nice too.
Barack Obama: It's done. And the rest of you?

[Like a crowd of children clamoring to Santa, the ex-dead presidents flock to Obama as a still-perplexed Calvin Coolidge looks on. With a nod, he grants their wishes, and they cheer. Secret Service agents open the door, and they all leave.]

Calvin Coolidge: And suddenly now I'm the one thinking he's just gonna kill us all in secret or something...
Millard Fillmore: You meanie.
Obama: Hang on.....Julian Glover, can you stay for a moment??

[Calvin Coolidge stops, and twitches a bit. The other presidents leave as he turns quickly back to Obama.]

Calvin Coolidge: No, I'm Calvin [ticks] Coolidge!
Barack Obama: No, you're......well, maybe you're not Julian Glover. Wow, you have such an uncanny resemblance to him.
Calvin Coolidge: People have been [tic] mistaking me for someone else this en-[tic]-entire ordeal. What's going on [tic] here?
Obama: Julian Glover's an actor. Juggernaut - Harry Potter something or other - Empire Strikes Back - Indiana Jones and the Last Cru.....sade....?

[Obama stops as Calvin Coolidge's slight tics and twitches are becoming very apparent. He is also in awe of the fact that Coolidge seems to be aging quite noticably before his very eyes. Before he can call for aid, Coolidge struggled and staggers forward, and grips Obama's shoulders.]

Calvin Coolidge: What's [tic] going [tic] on [tic]--!?!
Obama: Good lord!!
Calvin Coolidge: Wha-[tic]-what[tic]is[tic]ha[tic]ppe[tic]ning[tic]to[tic][tic]mee[tic]eee[tic]eeeeeeeEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

[Obama freaks out as time itself catches up to Calvin Coolidge. Both men scream as Coolidge progresses from older gentleman to decrepid old man to withered corpse to skeletal remains. Obama breaks free of the now-very-dead man's grip, and Coolidge is flung across the Oval Office and smashes into pieces against the wall. A few feet away, the door to the office bursts open as Secret Service and other White House officials. Joe Biden comes to outside the other door and wanders in, then stops at what he sees. He points and angrily yells.]

Joe Biden: YOU KILLED JULIAN GLOVER!!!
Barack Obama: What?! No! He just....he.....I.....?!?
Joe Biden & the Secret Service: RRAAAARGHHHHHHH!!!!!

*******

[The next day, President Barack Obama is thrown out of office. Political chaos and hilarity ensue.]

*******

[The Space/Time Continuum. At what can be best described as the breakfast nook, Herve sits reading newspapers on his iDroidpadphone device, whose headlines detail the amazing events that have transpired in Washington D.C.. He calmly places it down and directs his attention to Piett, who is feasting on Eggos across from him.]

Herve: So let me get this perfectly straight...........you concocted this entire scheme to get Barack Obama thrown out of office.
Piett: How do you figure?
Herve: I don't. I'm only guessing. You know the media, they get barely anything right anyway and just assume and spin the rest. Let's just say it sounds entirely plausible that you used ex-dead presidents to get to the current sitting president, then used this sudden Julian Glover obsession and hedged a shitload of bets that not only would Obama know who he even was but that Julian Glover's death would enrage high level people in the American government into a maddening sense of presidential impeachment. No, getting him tossed for the health care or birther or other political nonsense isn't gonna work......no, a guy who looks like Walter Donovan dying in his office of extreme aging....THAT'LL DO IT.
Piett: And so it did. [eats Eggos]
Herve: So what else was planned?
Piett: The Secret Service agent and Joe Biden were robots. [eats Eggos] Oh, and the trigger in Coolidge's head to start dying when someone actually called him Julian Glover.
Herve: Of course. Though they're not mentioned here, except Joe Biden's head exploding when finding out he'd have to be president. Malfunction?
Piett: Something like that. Whatever.
Herve: And the failed uprising by what remained of his supporters, and all the violent insanity that resulted in the rise of The God-Emperor George W. Bush?
Piett: Totally unexpected and unintended. [eats Eggos] But HILARIOUS.

[Pause]

Herve: Goddamn, I hate your politics.
Piett: Dude, Palpatine was my Martin Luther King. Can you blame me?
Herve: No, but I can despise you.
Piett: Fair enough. [eats Eggos]
Herve: And what about the obscure presidents? What of them?
Piett: I like knowing there are dead presidents alive and well again, running around in 2012 with no idea what the fuck's going on and hopefully causing a lot of chaos.
Herve: And now the segue to them doing something a series of colossally stupid things.
Piett: Yup. [eats Eggos]

*******

[In California, Gerald Ford is reunited with his happy family. In central Africa, Franklin Pierce is helping UNICEF aid homeless and starving children (where he enjoys ample cellphone service). In Fremont, Ohio, Rutherford B. Hayes (now Marvin J. Helms) is the new caretaker of Spiegel Grove State Park. In New York City, James Buchanan has joined the supporting cast of Saturday Night Live as a background extra. Not to be outdone, Martin Van Buren finds his way to central Florida where he resides in Disney World's Hall of Presidents in the place of his own (and secretly discarded) animatronic figure. And in the streets of Niagara Falls, Ontario, the body of Millard Fillmore is found dead in the gutter. Coroners who find the body later say cause of death is just being a big meanie face who needed a good hug, eh. In America those coroners would be fired - or at least hired by CSI Miami as associate producers - but it's Canada, so no one either notices or give a shit.]

*******

Piett: DAMMIT! [realizes he spit out Eggos while yelling] DAMMIT!!
Herve: Well fuck you too, Walsh. We telegraph it for a change and you totally leave us hanging. Thanks a lot, dick.


*fin*

The Obscure Ones: PROLOGUE

[Early 2012. Beneath the United States Capitol building in Washington DC, 2 figures suddenly appear and quickly beging lurking around in relative silence. Within a few moments, they are at their destination: the crypt of the US Capitol. Originally intended to be the burial place of George Washington, it is now the home of a historical and presidential museum, and also serves as the home to 13 statues that represent the original colonies. The 2 beings move toward the middle of the crypt, and, confident that they are alone, break their silence.]

Herve: So you're saying this place isn't what it appears to be?
Piett: Yup. History says that Washington's body couldn't be reinterred here when it was finally built, but as you're about to witness, truth says....something different.

[Piett and Herve reach a marble compass in the middle of the room; geographically, it is the exact point where the 4 quadrants of the District of Columbia meet. Piett grabs the compass and, in what looks like a herculean feat of strength, begins to twist and turn the dials around.]

Herve: Jesus, that Shake Weight shit works miracles!
Piett: It's paper mache. Lightweight as hell.
Herve: Really? [looks around] Well, then these Do Not Touch signs work miracles!

[The dials suddenly stop moving and a loud series of clicks, whirs and grinding eminate from underground. They move only slightly at the sounds, all around them, echo throughout the empty corridors of the crypt. Then, with a furious vigor, over 30 devices loudly break through the stone floor and emerge into sight. Each device is labelled with a name, and Herve's eyes widen as he identifies many of them, and points at one in particular.]

Herve: Holy Magna Carta, Piett! It's.....these are....that's...!!
Piett: Toldja the truth says something different, Herve. It says that George Washington is very much here and has been for a long time.....and so is every single other dead president.
Herve: So.....we're doing this? Really doing this?!
Piett: Indeed. It's time to resurrect....

[Long dramatic pause!]

Piett: ....the weird ones.

[Pause]

Herve: Wait, what?!

...to be continued...

April's Fool

[In the lounge, Piett is watching MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC. Don't ask why.........because it's awesome, that's why. Shut up!]


START AGAIN.


[Piett is watching MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC. Herve walks in.]

Herve: Dude, let's call your parents and tell them we're gay.
Piett: My parents died ages ago. Space AIDS.
Herve: Oh.

[Awkward pause.]

Herve: April Fool's?
Piett: I wouldn't. You have Space AIDS too.
Herve: .......what?

[Cosmos and Chronos enter.]

Cosmos: You totally do.
Chronos: Yeah. Sorry, the tests claim quite conclusively you are chock full of Space AIDS.
[2 figures appear on the television suddenly.]

Landozzel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
HG Wells: That's cruel, Landozzel. [pause] Interuppting MLP:FiM like that. For shame, sir.
Landozzel: You even know the acronym? Dude.....

[They disappear. Then BOOM! a figure appear through a Boom Tube. To the shock of all, he looks different. Namely, no skirt and all armor.]

Darkseid: Sorry you have Space AIDS, Herve! [throws a Hallmark card and variant cover of Justice League #6 at him] I KNOW! Don't I look spiffy now?!?

[He BOOMS! away. The floor opens up.]

The Boss: See you soon, Herve. BWAHHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

[A cloud descends from Heaven.]

Cadmus: On behalf of God, allow me to say "BWAHHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"
The Boss: Unoriginal ass.

[More people enter through the door.]

Ben the Spider-Man: Sorry, Herve.
Webmaster: Sorry, dude.
RoboFrasier: My condolences, sir.
William Daniels: Sorry.
Will Friedle: FEEEEENAY!
George Gaynes: MAHONEY!
Supreme Pontiff Hook [makes a hand gesture]: Peace be with you or whatever.
Duplex: You just made a Nazi swatzika.
Supreme Pontiff Hook: I always do that.
Drork and Kfith: Happy birthday!
Joe Q. Public: Guh.
Captain Needa: Happy birthday.
Joe Q. Public: Didn't you hear me say "Guh"??
Villainess: Happy bi--
Joe Q. Public: GUH!!!!
Herve: Alright ENOUGH! I get it, it's April Fool's! You're trying to convince me that I have Space AIDS, which I'm pretty sure both does not exist and--well, that's it, it doesn't exist!
Tom Arnold: Hey, did I get here in time enough to s--

[Herve leaps at Tom Arnold and tears his throat out. Everyone looks on disapprovingly.]

Piett: Dude. Don't you get it?
Herve: What?
Piett: You keep doing THAT. The neck-biting thing. At some point..........you got Space AIDS from DOING THAT.
Herve: Wh....................WHAT?



























¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø


Herve: So I really have Space AIDS, Walsh?


YES. YOU REALLY HAVE SPACE AIDS.


Herve: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


*fin*