Army of Hotness

[When last we left our plucky protagonists, Piett and Herve returned to the Space Time Continuum to discover things slightly askew. While Cosmos and Chronos were still their same selves, certain memories and developments are different, exactly as they'd dreaded after accidentally retconning the universe. Sadly, this did not include the fact that Piett was still divorced Lucy Ferr, who is now the ruler of Hell. Lucy has created the most evil porno ever made and unleashed it on hapless perverts all over the world. Piett and Herve travelled to her base of operations - Hollywood, California - where it is Piett's task to once again charm his ex-wife into a state of love and possible confusion to convince her to destroy the most evil porno ever made. They have reunited, in the form of colliding into each other while walking around a corner, and it seems an icy and unpleasant meeting is about to commence. Herve, meanwhile, has run away, because he thinks the Four Horsewomen's feminine hissing means they are snakes.]

Lucy: Why the hell is he running away?

Piett: It seems Herve is afraid of snakes. [smirks] Now that's a change I like and can use to my advantage... [stops] I mean.....hello, Lucy.

Lucy: Hello Piett.

Piett [mumbles to self]: Last name. Ouch.

Lucy: I trust you've embraced divorce fairly well.

Piett: Well enough, I suppose. You and you..........girlfriends seem fine?

Lucy: They are not my girlfriends. These are my Horsewomen: Brooke, Olivia, Ashley and Tracie.

Piett: Hello. [bows his head]

[Herve returns, meekly at first but eventually with great confidence and even some ego, as if nothing had just happened.]

Herve: Sorry. I thought they were snakes. What'd I miss?

Piett: You're afraid of snakes.

Herve: I wasn't before.

[Pause]

Herve: Dammit, apparently now I am. So what'd I miss?

Piett: Lucy just introduced her Horsewomen.

Herve: Please, endulge me.

Lucy: We really don't have time for--

Herve: ENDULGE ME!

Lucy: This is Brooke.

Herve: Okay.

Lucy: Olivia.

Herve: Eh, not bad.

Lucy: Ashley.

Herve: YOWZA YOWZA!!!!

Lucy: And Tracie.

Herve: Ends with a y or ie?

Tracie: Ie.

Herve: Aaaand I have no respect for you.

Piett: He's not exactly, as you'd say, a gentleman.

Brooke: Neither are you, from what we've heard.

Herve: Snap.

Piett: So what lies did you fill them with?

Lucy: Why my dear, only the best. I am the fucking Devil, at least.

Herve [elbows Piett in his side]: And see, heheh, meanwhile you used to fuck the Devil, hahahaAHH!! [screams as Piett elbows him in his face]

Piett: Look, we've come to talk to you about.....

Lucy: About my evil porno?

Herve: Wait, -your- evil porno or the evil porno with the unnameable horrors? [suddenly delighted] Is there another porno I need to see here?!?

Lucy: Relax, pee-wee, there's only one. And after that one....heh, there's no need for any others.

Piett: Why do this?

Lucy: Elementary, my dear ex-husband/idiot. It helps me feed off the greed, sloth and perversion of mankind. [Herve goes to say something smart-alecky, but doesn't] The nature of man is utterly decadent, so what better way to both absorb that sin and torture and destroy man than by creating the single most evil and sadistic porno ever?

Piett: You know I've seen it, right?

Lucy: Oh yes. And the fact that you still resist is.......delicious.

Herve: Whoa, bitches, no hands! [glares at Ashley] But you can touch me. Meow.

Ashley: You do realize my touch kills, right?

Herve: If it's as deadly as your looks, then by all means molester away.

Lucy: Oh Christ, he's flirting with one of my nieces.

Piett: Nieces?

Lucy: You remember my brother Jim.

Piett: His name was Jim? How plain.

Lucy: James, Jimbo, whatever. These are Jim's girls.

Piett: Wow, I.........never knew.

Lucy: You never paid attention.

Piett: Trust me, it's more than that.

Lucy: Oh, trust me, I know. So should I kill you now? Because I've been itching to since you ran facefirst into my rack.

Piett: I'll bet that's another kind of itch, babe.

Lucy: You could never flirt well, Piett.

Piett: I'll stop.

Lucy: So what, do we fight here?

Piett: I......don't really see a point. You've got 6 weapons of death, 2 of which are on your chest, and I've got a horny 3 foot tall bastard who's trying to get it on with a woman he can't possibly have.

Lucy: Sounds like you that time you ran into Lord Warp's fortress with those severed musketeer's arms...

[Both laugh.]

Lucy: Oh lord, we're being cordial with each other.

Piett: Awkward.

Lucy: Horsewomen, WE DEPART!!!

[Lucy stands back and summons fire and brimstone.......and a cab, which she and the others leap into and then speeds away.]

Herve: I totally got her number.

Piett: Which one? The cute brunette?

Herve: No, dude, Ashley.

Piett: Ooh, the blonde. Nice.

Herve: I know you don't need to hear this....

Piett: Then why say it?

Herve: .....but I am gonna DESTROY that.

Piett: Oh come on, man. Excellent choice in women, of course, but horrible respect for her and her gender.

Herve: I have a feeling she won't mind.

Piett: Have you even had sex with a normal sized woman before?

Herve: I certainly have, with considerable success.

Piett: I dunno, I just imagine you having sex would be like a chihuahua humping someone's leg. [stops, looks down at his groin] Oh god, why is THAT turning me on?!

Herve: Speaking of respect for women, how did it go with the ex-wife that you divorced?

Piett: I think she gave us the key to defeating her. Unintentionally, of course.

Herve: Oh, how's that now?

Piett: We use her brother.

Herve: The Boss?

Piett: Not the Boss. His name's Jim.

Herve: Jim? How generic and plain.

Piett: I know.

Herve: So what's his name now? Jim Boss? Jim Ferr?

Piett: I don't know.

Herve: So how do we find him?

[Pause]

Piett: Cosmos and Chronos.

Herve: They'd know his last name?

Piett: Dude, they're the masters of space and time...

Herve: Respectively.

Piett: ...so they can find anyone, I'm sure.

[Piett whips out--]

Herve: AHHHHHHHH!!!!

[--his cellphone, and places a call.]

Herve: Whew.

[Suddenly a small hologram flickers out of the cellphone.]

Cosmos: Report!

Piett: Excuse me?

Cosmos: Sorry. Just wanted to sound important. What is it?

Piett: We found Lucy, but she took off in a taxi.

Cosmos: Did you put a tracer on her?

Herve: No, but he walked facefirst into her boobs.

Chronos [off-hologram]: Nice!

Cosmos: Did you at least see where she was going?

Herve: I assume "Hell," for reasons I probably don't need to go into.

Cosmos: Well, if that's true then that's a problem. She disconnected us from Hell after the divorce. Talk about breaking up with your ex's friends. Bitch.

Herve: This is a side of you I'm not sure we like.

Piett: Yeah, kinda spiteful.

Cosmos: Wait, YOU divorce her and I get yelled at for being spiteful?? Good grief. So what do you need from me?

Piett: Where's her brother Jim?

Cosmos: Jim? Jim Ferr?

Herve: Hey, I called it!

Cosmos: Not sure he can help. Not sure.......well, not sure he can help, that's all I should say.

Piett: He should. She's got his kids hanging out with her.

Cosmos: Really? That's........interesting.

Piett: Same sentiment.........I had?

Cosmos: We'll see what we can do. Should be pretty easy to find him, though. He's either at his apartment or at work.

Piett: Really, it's that easy?

Cosmos: Well, not the same job he had before, but......are you sure you really wanna see Jim? We've always been kinda skeeved out by him, and for the life of me I can't comprehend how you 2 have ever put up with him.

Piett: Yeah, we should be good. [Herve shrugs] Just find him and let us know if he can help.

Cosmos: Alright... [his image flickers out, and Piett puts the cellphone back in his coat pocket]

Piett: I'm not liking this particular foreshadowing, man. It sounds...heartbreaking.

Herve: Oh, come on. How much different could the Boss really be?

==

[About an hour later, in another part of Los Angeles. A 1989 Chrysler LeBaron pulls up and parks in front of the main entrance of a seedy looking warehouse. The driver is Jim Ferr, Lucy's brother. He turns to address his car's occupants in the backseat.]

Jim: So yeah, this is where she said she'd be with the girls. Took 'em out shopping first, but eventually they'd make their way back here.

[Piett and Herve sit, starring back at him with stunned and somewhat appalled looks on their faces.]

Piett: Dude, this is..........weird.

Jim: What's so weird?

Herve: You, man. I dunno, but......didn't you used to be cooler?

Jim: What'd'ya mean? I'm still the cool guy you've been hanging out with on and off for years now.

Piett: You are?

Jim: Sure. Ok, so maybe these days I'm a little drunker than I've usually been, but otherwise....[zones out for a moment]

Herve: That explains all the swerving on the way here.

Piett: And the woman he ran over.

Jim: Whoa, sorry. Almost passed out there. The call center's got me working crazy hours these days, and I guess the depression meds don't mix well with heavy stress and booze. Oh hey, listen, I'm ordering that WWE pay-per-view next weekend, and the girls will be at their mom's up in Palmdale for the weekend. You bring the bruskis, I'll bring the.....well, if I have enough cash for pizza I guess I'll provide that. Mini-pizzas, though.

[Jim looks back to see that Piett and Herve have already swiftly exited.]

Jim: Oh, okay. I'll.......I'll just stay here with the car. Not a good neighborhood, this one, don't want my sweet ride gettin' jacked. Don't take too long, I got a errand list a mile lon...[zones out again]

Piett: Oh my God, that is the worst change yet.

Herve: I can't believe he drives a LeBaron.

Piett: THAT'S what you can't believe?

Herve: That, and the insinuation that his wife does not have full custody. Damn, man. Think he's got any of those meds left? I could use a few after that car ride.

[They sneak up to the main doors. Piett slowly open them...]

Herve [to self]: Wait, why the hell would there be a custody issue with--

[...when, without warning, Piett and Herve are sucked inside the warehouse.........which is nothing but a portal directly into Hell itself.]

Herve: Ooh, this is bad.

Piett: But good, since we found her direct portal to Hell for next time.

Herve: You really want there to be a next time?

[Suddenly a giant 3-headed dog beast snarls at them. Piett screams and scatters.]

Herve: So, that's his weakness now....heh heh heh...

Olivia: What, that he's afraid of giant 3-headed dogs?

Brooke: News flash: pretty much everyone would be afraid of a giant 3-headed dog, dumbass.

Herve: But not you, I've noticed.

Tracie: I don't talk to you, dickhead.

Herve: Wasn't talking to you, you misspelled freak.

[Upon seeing the 4th Horsewoman, Herve immediately stands up and straightens himself out.]

Herve: Bitches. [to Ashley] Hey there.

Ashley: Um, hi.

Olivia: No hitting on our sister, asshole.

Herve: Geez, the mouth on you.

Olivia: Oh,you don't know the half of it, mister...

Brooke: Olivia! Now you're hitting on him!

Olivia: What? Really? Ugh. I'm so bad at this.

Tracie: On your feet, dog.

Spot the 3-Headed Dog Beast: Hey, I am on my feet.

Tracie: Sorry, Spot. I meant the midget.

Spot the 3-Headed Dog Beast: Then say "midget." By Allah, you girls have got to learn some better decorum...

[Tracie hugs 1 of Spot's heads and feeds it and the other 2 a treat. Brooke and Olivia lift Herve up by under his arms and carry him away.]

Ashley: And could someone collect our ex-uncle-in-law, please?

Spot: "Uncle in law?" Do people even use that in normal vernacular?

Ashley: When do dogs say words like "vernacular?" Just find him, Spot.

[Spot nods his 3 heads and departs to look for Piett. Ashley walks off first, as Brooke and Olivia carry Herve behind.]

Olivia: Hey, stop staring at her ass, midget!

Brooke: See, Ashley? This is what happens when you give weird men your number.

Tracie: And if you do give men your number, at least give him a fake one!

Ashley: Ok already, I know! I just thought it'd shut him up.

Lucy: Shut who up?

Ashley: The midget Herve, Aunt Lucy.

Lucy: Oh crap. Not you.

Herve: Hi Lucy!

Lucy: Don't hi me, Herve. What're you doing here? And where's your better half....or rather, three-quarter's - my asshole ex?

Ashley [giggling, to Herve]: See what she did there, she didn't say "half" because you're small. Cute.

Brooke, Olivia and Tracie: ASHLEY!

Ashley: Dammit!

[Spot, the 3 headed dog beast, arrives with Piett hanging out of one of his mouths. He drops him down beside Piett and wanders away.]

Herve: That is so gay. Being afraid of dogs.

Piett: 3 headed dog/hellbeast. And shut up.

Lucy: Well well, my dear. Seems you've stumbled upon my portal to Hell.

Herve: Actually we were looking for the warehouse you ran your evil porno business from.

Lucy: You actually thought I did my business in a stinking Southern California warehouse? God, you're dense. [to her guards] Please, just kill them and be done with this. I've got a production schedule to maintain.

[Suddenly Herve unleashes a gun--]

Piett and Lucy: NNNGGGGAHHHHHH!!!!!

[Relax. It's an actual gun. Not a euphemism for his penis.]

Piett and Lucy: WHEW.

[So anyway, Herve unleashs a gun, not his penis, and aims it at Lucy.]

Herve: Alright, nobody moves!

Piett: What the shit?!

Herve: We're takin' over this operation for ourselves and rubbin' ya out, see?

Piett: Since when you do carry a gun?

Herve: Dude, now's our chance!

Piett: What chance?

Herve: Our chance to make pornos, man! Don't say you haven't thought of having your own pornography production house.

Piett: Dude, I was making pornos all the time. [angrily] When I was married. [glares at Lucy]

Lucy: This is so outta left field.

Piett: You said it, sister.

[Lucy kinda gags at the thought of that statement taken literally.]

Herve: Ok, so it's my chance to make pornos. And technically, it's your chance to take over hell!

Piett: I don't want that. The stench of brimstone has never worked for me. And just hire some sexoservidoras, man, if you want to fulfill the porno experience. [Herve looks at him, puzzled] Sexoservidoras. That's Spanish for hookers. It's totally my word of the day.

Herve: Re...really? Just get a la sexoservidora? [snaps fingers] And I could totally tape it! Than that'd be a porno!

Piett [to himself]: Or a medical video on sexually transmitted diseases [back to Herve, without interupption] but SURE! That works too!

[As Piett reachs out to take Herve's gun, Olivia suddenly jumps in and makes a quick move to disarm him for herself.]

Piett: What the--?!

Herve: Ahhh!!

[Herve panics and pulls the trigger. Olivia's head explodes, and all in the general vacinity are caked in brain and skull matter. Her body falls to the ground and twitches, until it is finally still and moves no more.]

Piett: Oh dancin' Jesus, NO!

Brooke and Tracie: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Lucy: Oh no, oh no....sweeties, sweeties it's ok....

Brooke and Tracie: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[Lucy grab them and hugs them, but the girls continue screaming.]

Herve: This is incredibly awkward.

Ashley: You THINK?!

Herve: We should leave, before--

Piett: Wait, hold on........are they crying?

Ashley: Wouldn't you?!

Piett: No, I mean......they're crying like little girls. Like....LITTLE girls.

Herve: Wha?

[Lucy consoles her 2 nieces, who pull away and begin to.....fall apart?]

Piett and Herve: WHAT THE FUCK?!?

[Indeed, the bodies of Brooke and Tracie break down and turn into small children, who are enveloped by the arms of their comforting aunt.]

Piett and Herve: SMALL CHILDREN?!?

Lucy: Well I hope you're happy, you've completely ruined these children!! They'll be traumatized for life, because Jim certainly can't afford therapy for them on a gay sex line call center assistant janitor income!

Herve: So he DOES have full custody. Oh, I am SO ashamed of humanity and the California court system right now.

Brooke: We don't wanna play anymore, Auntie.

Tracie: They broked Olivia! They broked her!

Piett: So can we please address the fact that these young women were not young women at all, and were in fact BABIES this whole time?!?

Lucy: Don't play ignorant with me. You knew these girls were toddlers!

Herve: Wait, so if they're babies, then....

[Suddenly every kind of shocked, horrified and mortified look comes across Herve's face at once, as he slowly looks at Ashley. She frowns and shrugs.]

Herve: Oh.........oh god.....*vomits*

Piett: Dude, vomitting?! She's totally attractive.

Herve: But, I....I was totally hitting on.....an infant!!! [screams and apparently begins a mental breakdown]

Piett: He's never done this before.

Ashley: Have a mental breakdown?

Piett: No. Reacted so badly to getting it on with a woman. He's such a playa, I just....never knew he had any limits. Even age.

Ashley: Wouldn't it be funny if THIS is how he died?

Piett: You barely know him. How could you say that? [pause] But yeah, kinda funny. You're taking this rather well. He seemed rather fond of you.

Ashley: Eh, it'd have never worked. He's a midget, and I'm.....well....hot.

Piett: Yeah.... [daydreamy]

[Ashley walks to her sisters as Lucy confronts Piett.]

Lucy: You bastards killed one of my nieces.

Piett: It was Herve, not me. Besides, I would think the conniption he's in the middle of would be punishment enough.

Lucy: Sorta.

Piett: And anyway, why the hell were your infant nieces taking the form of 20 year old women? That's just wrong.

Lucy: Hey, if you were Jim's kid, you'd want an escape. Any escape.

Piett: True. He is HORRIBLY pathetic.

Lucy: And also, Ashley's not a child. The others are, but she's really, like, 24 or something.

[Awkward pause. Piett glares at Ashley, then at a distraught and shivering Herve, then back at Lucy.]

Piett: Let's gloss over that fact if Herve inquires further.

Lucy: I think his brain has imploded too much logic here to ever inquire or ponder about anything ever again.

[Some distance away, Lucy's brother Jim enters the picture.]

Jim: Hey guys, um......so I've gotta get to work, and letting the car sit in idle ran me out of gas. Any chance I can bum some gas money off you, then just collect the kids and be off?

[They laugh. Then stop. Piett pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs.]

Piett: Ok. I have to say it.

Lucy: Say......what?

Piett: You......well, I.....I just can't believe....

Lucy: I know what you're going to say.

Piett: You do?

Lucy: Of course. I know because..........because I've been needing to say it myself too.

Piett: Really??

Lucy: Yes. God, it's like a huge weight being lifted off of me. I feel.........so free...

Piett: So......that's it?

Lucy: Yes. It's......it's all good. [begins to tear up] I...........I love you.

[Pause]

Piett: ....that was not what I was going to say.

Lucy: What?

Piett: Oh no. Far from it. Because there is no way that I love you in any manner whatsoever anymore.

Jim: This requires the biggest "oh snap" in the history of the world.

Herve: When I'm fully recovered, I'll get back to you with that.

Lucy [beginning to flare up, as someone who rules hell would do if they're about to kill someone]: You....you BASTARD! I just poured out the remaining shreds of whatever soul I might had ever had to you, and you deny me! YOU DENY ME!!! How DARE you!!!

Piett: How dare I?! Look at what you did!! How can you possibly justify and explain away any of that?!? The unspeakable....unnameable HORROR OF IT!!!

Lucy: Please. Your pathetic little mind and soul cannot even fathom how to address what you saw. No man can!!! And because of that, this porno can never be undone or unseen! I gave the world its one chance to undo my evil, right there on the screen, but no mortal man can even dare to speak its name!! HAHAHA!!!

Herve: Oh shit, she doesn't know he's cosmically aware.

Jim: What does that mean?

[Piett twitches, as Lucy lambasts him.]

Lucy: So just leave and drift back to your Continuum with your little midget lover and those 2 metrosexual bastards who "control" space and time, you sad pathetic little man, and know that the absolutely greatest goddamn thing in your entire life just told you to FUCK. OFF!

Herve: Run. Take the children and run. Far away. [begins to back away himself] This........this is gonna be bad.

Jim: How bad?

Herve: I think he's about to speak of the unspeakable horror of that porno.

Jim: Unspeakable.....oh shit, not that....OH SHIT!!!

[Jim collects his crying kids and runs away.]

Jim: Wait, weren't there 4 of you?

Piett: You......you......think you've broken me? Telling me to fuck off, that I'm a mere mortal man...you think that's the problem? I'll tell you the problem.....I'm cosmically aware! So I CAN say its UNSPEAKABLE name!!

[Herve runs, as a flash of horror overcomes Lucy.]

Piett: CTHULHU!!!! YOU PUT THULHU IS IN YOUR GOD DAMN PORNO!!! YOU MADE A FUCKING PORNO STARRING FUCKING CTHULHU!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE OF ALL THE UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS YOU COULD'VE COMMITTED AND UNLEASHED ONTO THE HUMAN EYES, YOU HAD TO UNLEASH - AND DEFILE - THAT UNSPEAKABLE HORROR!!!! THE CALL OF CTHULHU IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE AN ORGASM, BUT YOU DAMN SURE MADE IT AN ORGASM AND RUINED THAT ELDER GOD FOREVER!!!

[Around them, a tremor rocks Hell itself. A distant cry bellows out, and soon around the world, the unspeakable horror of Lucy Ferr's evil porno is undone - the DVDs and videos themselves dissolve into nothing but dust, and the minds of its purveyors and viewers cured of their conscious nightmares and dementia. In Hell, the hellish guards and minions nearby take notice of the cry - a vengeful elder god, perhaps, about to arise and claim his revenge - and begin to panic and retreat.]

Herve [frightened]: Someone........someone's going to die here...

[Piett continues screaming at Lucy.........folks, I'm not gonna lie to you. It's rough. Really awful and terrible things are said. It's like verbal abuse. Honestly, it just would've been kinder to her if he just started punching her in the face a lot. And I'm totally not for that. No way. Punching women is not cool. But seriously, a good punch would've hurt less than....this...]

Piett: YOU ROTTING SHELL OF A LIVING BEING! WE ARE SO BEYOND DONE, THERE'LL NEVER BE ANY GOING BACK!!!

[Oh sure, it rambles at times...]

Piett: THEY'RE NOT EVEN REAL! THEY NEVER WERE!! AND TRUST ME A "SAD PATHETIC LITTLE MAN" LIKE ME KNOWS HOW TO TELL!!

[....but it's pretty much dead on with the spewage of hate.]

Piett: SO YOU TELL ME TO FUCK OFF?! YOU FUCK OFF!!!

[Lucy stands still and silent. In some alternate dimension, the very breaking of her heart destroys every living thing and the nature of space and time within it. In the Continuum, Cosmos and Chronos manage to feel its effects....and know fear. They don't know the context, though, so they start freaking out because they assume their freshly made peanut butter and marshmellow sandwiches have just begun some multiversal cataclysm.]

[And lo, a single tear drips from her eye of the devil herself.......a sight and feeling unknown to even her, and its impact on the cavernous ground introduces a cavalcade of chaos unknown to anything in existance. Thanks to his diatribe of pure vitriol, Piett has just destroyed Hell itself.]

Herve: And this is the part where we run.

[As Herve opens a portal to escape, the foundations of Hell itself come unglued. Buildings and structures break and shatter, lava erupts and consumes thousands upon thousands of tortured souls and hellish minions. The ground breaks around Lucy and Piett, and the 2 are parted by forces beyond reason and logic, never to be united again.]

Herve: Dude, come on! The narration's getting real sappy and weird, time to go!

[Herve grabs an exhausted and rather dazed Piett by the arm toward the portal with great ease. He enters, and Piett - still somehow looking at his ex-wife through the plumes of smoke and fire - slowly follows. From the uncontrollable and disordered chaos, Lucy stands in one of very few safe places remaining and glares at Piett. She points and screams.]

Lucy: I swear on everything that is, you'll die by my hands!!! I hate you, Ishmael Piett!! I'll hate you forever!!!

[She vanishes amidst the hellfire and brimstone, her fate unknown. Piett begins to enter the portal, but once in........he stops.]

Piett: Wait a minute.....MY NAME'S NOT ISHMAEL!!!!

*fin*

The Evil Head

[When last we left our stalwart heroes, Firmus Piett and Herve Villechaize were walking down a small country road, having returning from an alternate reality where the late Darkseid ruled the Earth. In the process of returning, they have defeated their latest foe: the seemingly resurrected, and now quite dead again, Mortimer St. Charles, Piett's insidously evil clone. Oh, and they may've reset the universe somehow and changed everything they've ever known to be true. It has been several hours on this small country road. With the sun long since set, the duo are still walking. Herve stops.]

Piett: What?

[Pause]

Herve: Ok, are we looking for a ride or something?

Piett: No. I just figured we could use the exercise. Stretch out our legs with a nice long walk.

Herve: That was the plan?

Piett: Yes.

[Pause]

Herve: Christ.

[Herve taps his belt buckle, and instantly a portal in time and space opens.]

Piett: I didn't know you had one of those!

Herve [puzzled]: ..........apparently I do. [pause] Oh lord, there are gonna be all sorts of changes like this now, ain't there?

Piett: Your own fault, dammit. Told you to wish us back to the real world like I did, but you had to wish to try and retcon everything instead. So now we've got some sick sort of amalgam world to live in now.

Herve: This feels weird. Can't put my finger on it. But let's just get back to the Continuum, dude.

Piett: Or the giant farm of turnips, knowing our luck.

Herve: Nothing wrong with turnips. They're a fine source of Vitamin K and folate.

[The 2 enter the portal.....

....and reemerge in the Space/Time Continuum, which awaits them in the same condition they've always known it to be in.]

Herve: Oh thank fuck. Because I really don't like turnips. Lousy fuckin' shit knobs.

[The 2 approach the once-again-glorious palace of Cosmos and Chronos, the lords of space and time: respectively. At the front doors, their attendant Cecil nods and opens the giant doors.]

Cecil: Cheerio, boys.

Herve [confused]: Um.....cheerio?

Piett [likewise confused]: And a...hearty Corn Pops to you too, old chum.

[The 2 walk, then quickly walk, then run past and into the palace.]

Piett: Did he always have a British accent?

Herve: Honestly, I don't even remember. Not because this might be a change, but because I really never noticed the dude that much before.

[As they walk into the vast interior of the palace, both Piett and Herve experience a quiet relief as they return to their abode and see it in the same pristine condition as when they last left it. In the main entertainment area, they approach 2 familiar figures, who are talking amongst themselves in an energetic manner.]

Chronos: Seriously, I have no idea where it is.

Cosmos: How does something like that just up and disappear?! Cecil saw nothing, you saw nothing, I saw nothing.

Herve: Hey fuckos, what up?

Cosmos: Ah, welcome back. Hope you enjoyed your walk.

Piett: Yes.....[looks at Herve for a brief moment]....yes we did.

Herve [gulps]: What's the hubbub all about here?

Chronos: The giant wall of TVs is gone. We went out to grab some food at the Pizza Hut...

Cosmos: And I told you, they call it The Hut now!

Chronos: Never mind that. So when we came back from....that place, the wall of TVs was gone. No one saw anything, it just.....wasn't here when we got back.

[Piett's eyes widen, but moves on.]

Piett: Wouldn't know. But if we see a flying airship of marauding TV pirates, we'll let you know.

Cosmos: Wha?

Piett: Nothing.

Herve: Should we?

Cosmos: Should you what?

Piett: I don't think--

Herve: No, let's tell them.

Chronos: Tell us what? [gasp] Oh my god, you're gay aren't you?!

Herve: What?!?

Piett: No, we're not gay!

Cosmos: I dunno. Usually the ones who strongly deny it are the really closeted ones.

Herve: We are not gay!

Chronos: It'd explain the completely idiotic reason you dumped your wife, Piett.

Piett: Oh get the fuck out.

Herve: DUDE! Of everything that could've changed, THAT FACT REMAINED! HAHA!

Cosmos: What changed? What the Palin is going on here?!

Piett: Listen.....and to reiterate, we're not gay. [Herve coughs] Shut up! Ok, it seems that on our long walk......we may've recreated the entire fabric of space and time.

Cosmos: .....really?

Piett: Yes. [pause] You don't seem disturbed by this.

Herve: Or even convinced we've gone insane.

Cosmos: Oh no, it's perfectly understandable. With all the things we've seen and experienced, and all the interdimensional beings we've encountered over the countless eons, this was bound to happen. I just figured we'd be the ones to fuck it up. Or at least Chronos.

Chronos: Totally. I fuck a lot up. Knowing I didn't fuck up space and time gives me a helluva ego boost.

Piett: So....you believe us?

Cosmos: God no. I can believe the overall gist of it, but.....you 2 fucking everything up and recreating all that is?! What are you, on crack?

[Herve snaps his fingers.]

Herve: Dude, it's crack. It feels like we were on crack.

Cosmos: Bad time for a drug test then, I take it?

Piett: Drug tests? Since when did that happen.

Cosmos: Since, um, always?

Herve: That's new.

Piett: Listen, maybe we should just stop noting what's different and new and just move on with our lives.

Cosmos: Or not. What's new? What's going on here?

Chronos: Just pee in the jug, man.

Herve: A jug?

[Awkward pause]

Chronos: So I collect pee. Fine, secret's out.

Herve: Well that manages to surprise me, as I did not think he could get more disturbing.

Piett: Cosmos, Chronos. Look.....we suspect time and space may have been.....altered.

Cosmos: Huh.

Herve: Yeah, in this maybe alternate reality we just came back from, you and Chronos were killed.

Chronos: Dude!!

Cosmos: Really now?

Herve: Yeah. By Darkseid.

[Long pause]

Cosmos: Darkwho?

Chronos: Darkhawk? Did we get killed by some 1990's Marvel Comics superhero? De-pressing.

Piett: You don't remember Darkseid?

Chronos: Why would we remember Darkseid?

Cosmos: We have no idea who this Darkseid is.

Herve: God of all evil? You don't remember that dude at all?

Cosmos: I've been the administrator of space and all in it, as well as a masterful expert of things not in it, forever now...and I've never heard of a Darkseid before.

Piett: Never heard of the New Gods of the Fourth World either, have you?

Chronos: New? All gods are old. Well, except Hermes, that sexy prick.

Cosmos: These...."New Gods"...."Fourth World"....no. They don't exist. No one like them ever has, and they never will. Ever.

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[In his home, Michael Ponte dances a gleeful dance.]

Michael Ponte: Heeheehee....lolHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!

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Herve: Well, okay then.

Cosmos: So seriously, how much crack?

[A begrudgingly long pause.]

Herve: A trashbag full.

Cosmos: Awesome.

Chronos: Shouldn't you be dead?

Herve: We did it in moderation.

Piett: Considerable moderation. Plus we have cosmic awareness so I guess that levelled things out or...[shrugs]...whatever.

Cosmos: Cosmic awareness?!

Piett: Yes. [pause] You are aware we'd eventually become cosmically aware, right?

Cosmos: Sure, sure. Yes. I'm just really impressed that you figured that out on your own. I figured we'd need to tell you.

Piett [pauses before replying]: .....yeah. Figured it out on my own.

Herve: On our own. Yeah.

Piett: So we're just dealing with this?

Herve: For now, yeah. [pause] Or not, because it ends up being a forgotten subplot.

Piett: Shit, that is possible. Whatever.

Cosmos: Our newest mission for you is in regards to your ex-wife, Lucy Ferr.

Herve: Ha!

Piett: Oh fuckbags.

Chronos: Now now, no need for your pet names for her.

Cosmos: It seems your ex-wife has......gone into porn.

[Herve leaps up and punches Piett in the face. Piett howls as Herve lands and grips his hand.]

Chronos: Holy shit, that was AWESOME!

Herve: I KNEW this would happen!! I told you exactly how it'd go down just like that, and it totally DID GO DOWN JUST LIKE THAT!

Cosmos: What complicates things is that your ex-wife is the devil.

Herve: Ooh, kinda harsh there dude. I know pornstars don't have souls, but is that really--

Cosmos: Alright. Clearly your crack addiction has really messed you up, and we'll have to send you 2 to rehab after this adventure is over, because you damn well know that Lucy Ferr IS the devil incarnate. The mistress of Hell, the princess of lies, the anti-Christess, the head Republicanette. She is Satana herself. And now, she's an evil porn producer.

[Pause]

Herve: Dude.....a porn PRODUCER. If my hand hadn't swollen up, you'd be getting another smack.

Piett: So my ex-wife......the porn producer.....why is this such a bad thing?

Chronos: Because in her latest quest to destroy the world, Lucy Ferr has managed to produce and distribute.....the most evil porno ever made.

[Pause]

Herve: Destroy, or fantasticate?

[Nothing.]

Herve: Awesomify?

[Still nothing.]

Herve: Dammit.

Piett: The most evil porno ever made? Really? We returned to walk right into THIS dandy?

Chronos: It is what it is, man. If you watch this porno, you will die.

[Long pause]

Piett: Remind me to read up on The Ring movies at Wikipedia so I can see how they worked around this so that we can do that in this adventure.

Cosmos: No way. We tried that. We musta gone through a few thousand Naomi Watts before we realized all of them died for nothing.

Herve: .........really?

Cosmos: Really.

Herve: .........really?

Cosmos: Yes, really. There was no way she could beat Lucy at this. And she tried everything, mind you. By the way, Naomi Watts is totally not a good lesbian. At all.

Piett: Well that's good. [pause] And sad.

Chronos: So the lezzing Lucy into destroying the movie route is out. And trust me, I know my porn, and this one........this ain't good.

Herve: So you've seen it.

Chronos: I have.

Herve: And you're still alive, so what's the big deal?

Chronos: Because I can't unsee it.

Herve: So?

Chronos: I'm a being of great multiversal powers. I'm practically a god. I can stop time, restart it, reset it, the works. I can travel through time, both in body and in mind. I can reset myself, for cripe's sake, so I should be able to unsee this. But I can't.

Piett: So how the shit are WE supposed to fix this?

Cosmos: Because there's only one person alive who possesses any capability to convince her to undo this thing.

Chronos: Only one who can......stimulate her to change her mind.

Piett: Oh no.

Herve: Ha!

Cosmos: Yes. You must seduce your ex-wife and convince her destroy that movie. Only she can destroy it, for she created it and no other can undo its horrors.

Piett: Ok, I have to know, if I'm....seducing my ex.....what kind of horrors are we talking here?

Chronos: Well, you'll probably have to apologize a lot. Degrade yourself and everything you did wrong...

Piett: I meant the porno! What are the horrors of this porno? If I'm gonna do this, I gotta know what exactly she created and how evil it truly is.

[Cosmos and Chronos look at each other, concerned.]

Cosmos: Should we?

Chronos: I don't think we have a choice at this point. They have to see it to believe it.

Cosmos: Agreed. And they DID say they're cosmically aware now, so that should definitely bear the brunt of most of the damage.

[Chronos nods, then walks over to his shelves of movies and removed an item. The most evil porno ever made.]

Piett: You keep the most evil porn ever made in your entertainment center?

Chronos: Between Dracula: Dead and Loving It and Operation Dumbo Drop, if that helps.

Piett: It...actually does, yeah. [Herve nods in agreement]

Chronos: Now behold, the most evil porno ever made.....The Evil Head.

[Chronos places the tape in his VCR and switches on the TV.]

Piett: Evil Head?! It's a porno spoof of a Sam Raimi picture?

Herve: Hang on. "Tape?" "VCR?" You're practically gods, yet you still have those antiq--

[The movie begins where Chronos apparently left off. Piett and Herve stop mid-sentence, mid-thought, mid-bodily function, and stand aghast at the unspeakable scene.]

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[In a parlor room, sometime during the age of Victorian England, 2 men are playing cards. Suddenly one of them stops and looks into the air.]

Landozzel: Huh.

HG Wells: What is it?

Landozzel: Did....did you hear someone scream?

HG Wells: No.

Landozzel: Hrm. I swear I just heard someone scream. One of those "fate worse than death, across multiple dimensions" screams.

HG Wells: That's awfully specific.

Landozzel: I know my screams, old bean.

HG Wells: Can we please keep this game going? I have GOT to get that manuscript to my editor by tomorrow morning.

Landozzel: Oh, no one wants to read The Food of the Gods 2 and you know it. I didn't even want to read the first one.

HG Wells: If I don't make this deadline, they're going to make me write a biology book next. A tedious meandering biology book. NOW DEAL!

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[Back in the Continuum, the movie progresses, and Piett and Herve are frozen in horror. Finally, Chronos speaks.]

Chronos: Enough.

[He switches off the television.]

Piett: My...my brain.....I can't feel my brain.

Herve: That...that is burned into my eyes forever. That unspeakable horror will never get off those women. Or out of them. EVER.

Chronos: And that was just 14 seconds. Imagine the other 3 and a half hours of narrative and beastiality and....[shudders violently and cannot continue]

Cosmos: Now you've seen, by Chronos' violent reactions and your disbelieving eyes, the horrors you must undo.

Piett: Of course.....it won't be easy.

Cosmos: It certainly will not, for Lucy has by her side assembled a quartet of, as she calls them, "Horsewomen" to aid her in this endeavor.

Herve: Can I seduce the Four Horsewomen?

Cosmos: Sure, why not. But good luck, for their very touch brings upon death!

Piett: As well as war, pestilence and famine too, right?

Cosmos: No, just death. They're kinda generic horsewomen.

Chronos: But super duper hot.

Cosmos: Indeed.

Herve: So a hands-off seduction, then? [rubs hands together] I like a challenge.

Piett: And--

Cosmos: Oh, not Hell. But an even far worse place imaginable to the human, inhuman and eternal mind.

[A portal opens, and Cosmos and Chronos wave Piett and Herve in. They walk through together, then look at each other and dismally speak in unison.]

Piett & Herve [unenthusiastically]: Toledo again.

[And indeed, they emerge on the other side in..........]

Piett & Herve: .....HOLLYWOOD?!?

Piett: Wait, what has Hollywood ever done that's so bad?!

[At that exact moment, a bus drives by adorning advertisements HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS: THE MOVIE and a remake of CASABLANCA starring Mike Myers and Hilary Swank.]

Piett: And that shuts me up.

Herve: I can't believe Lucy would be operating out of Hollywood. What's so wrong with Hell? It's almost the same temperature and the sadistic torture of sinners far outweighs the fun of mocking tourists.

Piett: I guess she needed a better location for distribution? Who knows. All I know is we have to find her warehouse.

Herve: Warehouse? That makes it seem so sleazy.

Piett: She produces pornographic films where people fornicate, menstrate and (in the really gross ones) defecate for a camera. And other......unspeakable horrors...

Herve: Oh god, don't remind me!

Piett: And these operations always run out of warehouses.

[They walk down Hollywood Boulevard, aimlessly but with some intent. A car suddenly whizs past them out of a parking lot.]

Piett: Holy shit!

Herve: Hey, wha........DUDE! Was that Edward James Olmos driving that speeding car?! How wonderfully random. We almost got run down by Edward James Olmos.

[They continue walking, and reach a corner leading up into the Hollywood Hills. Suddenly, from around the corner, a group of women walk into Piett. They collide, with Piett's head hitting the lead woman's ample busom. Piett pulls away, then quickly stops and gasps.]

Piett: Wait..............I KNOW THESE!

Herve: Ooh, something else wonderfully random: tits!

[Suddenly Herve gasps loudly, for, maybe for the first time ever, he notices the face of the person with said tits. Piett also looks up....into the eyes of his ex-wife, Lucy Ferr.]

Lucy Ferr: You.....

Piett: You.....

Herve: Well, hello ladies....

The Four Horsewomen: HSSS!!!

Herve: AHHH!! They're snakes!!! SNAKES!!! [runs away]

*to be continued*