The Evil Head

[When last we left our stalwart heroes, Firmus Piett and Herve Villechaize were walking down a small country road, having returning from an alternate reality where the late Darkseid ruled the Earth. In the process of returning, they have defeated their latest foe: the seemingly resurrected, and now quite dead again, Mortimer St. Charles, Piett's insidously evil clone. Oh, and they may've reset the universe somehow and changed everything they've ever known to be true. It has been several hours on this small country road. With the sun long since set, the duo are still walking. Herve stops.]

Piett: What?

[Pause]

Herve: Ok, are we looking for a ride or something?

Piett: No. I just figured we could use the exercise. Stretch out our legs with a nice long walk.

Herve: That was the plan?

Piett: Yes.

[Pause]

Herve: Christ.

[Herve taps his belt buckle, and instantly a portal in time and space opens.]

Piett: I didn't know you had one of those!

Herve [puzzled]: ..........apparently I do. [pause] Oh lord, there are gonna be all sorts of changes like this now, ain't there?

Piett: Your own fault, dammit. Told you to wish us back to the real world like I did, but you had to wish to try and retcon everything instead. So now we've got some sick sort of amalgam world to live in now.

Herve: This feels weird. Can't put my finger on it. But let's just get back to the Continuum, dude.

Piett: Or the giant farm of turnips, knowing our luck.

Herve: Nothing wrong with turnips. They're a fine source of Vitamin K and folate.

[The 2 enter the portal.....

....and reemerge in the Space/Time Continuum, which awaits them in the same condition they've always known it to be in.]

Herve: Oh thank fuck. Because I really don't like turnips. Lousy fuckin' shit knobs.

[The 2 approach the once-again-glorious palace of Cosmos and Chronos, the lords of space and time: respectively. At the front doors, their attendant Cecil nods and opens the giant doors.]

Cecil: Cheerio, boys.

Herve [confused]: Um.....cheerio?

Piett [likewise confused]: And a...hearty Corn Pops to you too, old chum.

[The 2 walk, then quickly walk, then run past and into the palace.]

Piett: Did he always have a British accent?

Herve: Honestly, I don't even remember. Not because this might be a change, but because I really never noticed the dude that much before.

[As they walk into the vast interior of the palace, both Piett and Herve experience a quiet relief as they return to their abode and see it in the same pristine condition as when they last left it. In the main entertainment area, they approach 2 familiar figures, who are talking amongst themselves in an energetic manner.]

Chronos: Seriously, I have no idea where it is.

Cosmos: How does something like that just up and disappear?! Cecil saw nothing, you saw nothing, I saw nothing.

Herve: Hey fuckos, what up?

Cosmos: Ah, welcome back. Hope you enjoyed your walk.

Piett: Yes.....[looks at Herve for a brief moment]....yes we did.

Herve [gulps]: What's the hubbub all about here?

Chronos: The giant wall of TVs is gone. We went out to grab some food at the Pizza Hut...

Cosmos: And I told you, they call it The Hut now!

Chronos: Never mind that. So when we came back from....that place, the wall of TVs was gone. No one saw anything, it just.....wasn't here when we got back.

[Piett's eyes widen, but moves on.]

Piett: Wouldn't know. But if we see a flying airship of marauding TV pirates, we'll let you know.

Cosmos: Wha?

Piett: Nothing.

Herve: Should we?

Cosmos: Should you what?

Piett: I don't think--

Herve: No, let's tell them.

Chronos: Tell us what? [gasp] Oh my god, you're gay aren't you?!

Herve: What?!?

Piett: No, we're not gay!

Cosmos: I dunno. Usually the ones who strongly deny it are the really closeted ones.

Herve: We are not gay!

Chronos: It'd explain the completely idiotic reason you dumped your wife, Piett.

Piett: Oh get the fuck out.

Herve: DUDE! Of everything that could've changed, THAT FACT REMAINED! HAHA!

Cosmos: What changed? What the Palin is going on here?!

Piett: Listen.....and to reiterate, we're not gay. [Herve coughs] Shut up! Ok, it seems that on our long walk......we may've recreated the entire fabric of space and time.

Cosmos: .....really?

Piett: Yes. [pause] You don't seem disturbed by this.

Herve: Or even convinced we've gone insane.

Cosmos: Oh no, it's perfectly understandable. With all the things we've seen and experienced, and all the interdimensional beings we've encountered over the countless eons, this was bound to happen. I just figured we'd be the ones to fuck it up. Or at least Chronos.

Chronos: Totally. I fuck a lot up. Knowing I didn't fuck up space and time gives me a helluva ego boost.

Piett: So....you believe us?

Cosmos: God no. I can believe the overall gist of it, but.....you 2 fucking everything up and recreating all that is?! What are you, on crack?

[Herve snaps his fingers.]

Herve: Dude, it's crack. It feels like we were on crack.

Cosmos: Bad time for a drug test then, I take it?

Piett: Drug tests? Since when did that happen.

Cosmos: Since, um, always?

Herve: That's new.

Piett: Listen, maybe we should just stop noting what's different and new and just move on with our lives.

Cosmos: Or not. What's new? What's going on here?

Chronos: Just pee in the jug, man.

Herve: A jug?

[Awkward pause]

Chronos: So I collect pee. Fine, secret's out.

Herve: Well that manages to surprise me, as I did not think he could get more disturbing.

Piett: Cosmos, Chronos. Look.....we suspect time and space may have been.....altered.

Cosmos: Huh.

Herve: Yeah, in this maybe alternate reality we just came back from, you and Chronos were killed.

Chronos: Dude!!

Cosmos: Really now?

Herve: Yeah. By Darkseid.

[Long pause]

Cosmos: Darkwho?

Chronos: Darkhawk? Did we get killed by some 1990's Marvel Comics superhero? De-pressing.

Piett: You don't remember Darkseid?

Chronos: Why would we remember Darkseid?

Cosmos: We have no idea who this Darkseid is.

Herve: God of all evil? You don't remember that dude at all?

Cosmos: I've been the administrator of space and all in it, as well as a masterful expert of things not in it, forever now...and I've never heard of a Darkseid before.

Piett: Never heard of the New Gods of the Fourth World either, have you?

Chronos: New? All gods are old. Well, except Hermes, that sexy prick.

Cosmos: These...."New Gods"...."Fourth World"....no. They don't exist. No one like them ever has, and they never will. Ever.

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[In his home, Michael Ponte dances a gleeful dance.]

Michael Ponte: Heeheehee....lolHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!

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Herve: Well, okay then.

Cosmos: So seriously, how much crack?

[A begrudgingly long pause.]

Herve: A trashbag full.

Cosmos: Awesome.

Chronos: Shouldn't you be dead?

Herve: We did it in moderation.

Piett: Considerable moderation. Plus we have cosmic awareness so I guess that levelled things out or...[shrugs]...whatever.

Cosmos: Cosmic awareness?!

Piett: Yes. [pause] You are aware we'd eventually become cosmically aware, right?

Cosmos: Sure, sure. Yes. I'm just really impressed that you figured that out on your own. I figured we'd need to tell you.

Piett [pauses before replying]: .....yeah. Figured it out on my own.

Herve: On our own. Yeah.

Piett: So we're just dealing with this?

Herve: For now, yeah. [pause] Or not, because it ends up being a forgotten subplot.

Piett: Shit, that is possible. Whatever.

Cosmos: Our newest mission for you is in regards to your ex-wife, Lucy Ferr.

Herve: Ha!

Piett: Oh fuckbags.

Chronos: Now now, no need for your pet names for her.

Cosmos: It seems your ex-wife has......gone into porn.

[Herve leaps up and punches Piett in the face. Piett howls as Herve lands and grips his hand.]

Chronos: Holy shit, that was AWESOME!

Herve: I KNEW this would happen!! I told you exactly how it'd go down just like that, and it totally DID GO DOWN JUST LIKE THAT!

Cosmos: What complicates things is that your ex-wife is the devil.

Herve: Ooh, kinda harsh there dude. I know pornstars don't have souls, but is that really--

Cosmos: Alright. Clearly your crack addiction has really messed you up, and we'll have to send you 2 to rehab after this adventure is over, because you damn well know that Lucy Ferr IS the devil incarnate. The mistress of Hell, the princess of lies, the anti-Christess, the head Republicanette. She is Satana herself. And now, she's an evil porn producer.

[Pause]

Herve: Dude.....a porn PRODUCER. If my hand hadn't swollen up, you'd be getting another smack.

Piett: So my ex-wife......the porn producer.....why is this such a bad thing?

Chronos: Because in her latest quest to destroy the world, Lucy Ferr has managed to produce and distribute.....the most evil porno ever made.

[Pause]

Herve: Destroy, or fantasticate?

[Nothing.]

Herve: Awesomify?

[Still nothing.]

Herve: Dammit.

Piett: The most evil porno ever made? Really? We returned to walk right into THIS dandy?

Chronos: It is what it is, man. If you watch this porno, you will die.

[Long pause]

Piett: Remind me to read up on The Ring movies at Wikipedia so I can see how they worked around this so that we can do that in this adventure.

Cosmos: No way. We tried that. We musta gone through a few thousand Naomi Watts before we realized all of them died for nothing.

Herve: .........really?

Cosmos: Really.

Herve: .........really?

Cosmos: Yes, really. There was no way she could beat Lucy at this. And she tried everything, mind you. By the way, Naomi Watts is totally not a good lesbian. At all.

Piett: Well that's good. [pause] And sad.

Chronos: So the lezzing Lucy into destroying the movie route is out. And trust me, I know my porn, and this one........this ain't good.

Herve: So you've seen it.

Chronos: I have.

Herve: And you're still alive, so what's the big deal?

Chronos: Because I can't unsee it.

Herve: So?

Chronos: I'm a being of great multiversal powers. I'm practically a god. I can stop time, restart it, reset it, the works. I can travel through time, both in body and in mind. I can reset myself, for cripe's sake, so I should be able to unsee this. But I can't.

Piett: So how the shit are WE supposed to fix this?

Cosmos: Because there's only one person alive who possesses any capability to convince her to undo this thing.

Chronos: Only one who can......stimulate her to change her mind.

Piett: Oh no.

Herve: Ha!

Cosmos: Yes. You must seduce your ex-wife and convince her destroy that movie. Only she can destroy it, for she created it and no other can undo its horrors.

Piett: Ok, I have to know, if I'm....seducing my ex.....what kind of horrors are we talking here?

Chronos: Well, you'll probably have to apologize a lot. Degrade yourself and everything you did wrong...

Piett: I meant the porno! What are the horrors of this porno? If I'm gonna do this, I gotta know what exactly she created and how evil it truly is.

[Cosmos and Chronos look at each other, concerned.]

Cosmos: Should we?

Chronos: I don't think we have a choice at this point. They have to see it to believe it.

Cosmos: Agreed. And they DID say they're cosmically aware now, so that should definitely bear the brunt of most of the damage.

[Chronos nods, then walks over to his shelves of movies and removed an item. The most evil porno ever made.]

Piett: You keep the most evil porn ever made in your entertainment center?

Chronos: Between Dracula: Dead and Loving It and Operation Dumbo Drop, if that helps.

Piett: It...actually does, yeah. [Herve nods in agreement]

Chronos: Now behold, the most evil porno ever made.....The Evil Head.

[Chronos places the tape in his VCR and switches on the TV.]

Piett: Evil Head?! It's a porno spoof of a Sam Raimi picture?

Herve: Hang on. "Tape?" "VCR?" You're practically gods, yet you still have those antiq--

[The movie begins where Chronos apparently left off. Piett and Herve stop mid-sentence, mid-thought, mid-bodily function, and stand aghast at the unspeakable scene.]

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[In a parlor room, sometime during the age of Victorian England, 2 men are playing cards. Suddenly one of them stops and looks into the air.]

Landozzel: Huh.

HG Wells: What is it?

Landozzel: Did....did you hear someone scream?

HG Wells: No.

Landozzel: Hrm. I swear I just heard someone scream. One of those "fate worse than death, across multiple dimensions" screams.

HG Wells: That's awfully specific.

Landozzel: I know my screams, old bean.

HG Wells: Can we please keep this game going? I have GOT to get that manuscript to my editor by tomorrow morning.

Landozzel: Oh, no one wants to read The Food of the Gods 2 and you know it. I didn't even want to read the first one.

HG Wells: If I don't make this deadline, they're going to make me write a biology book next. A tedious meandering biology book. NOW DEAL!

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[Back in the Continuum, the movie progresses, and Piett and Herve are frozen in horror. Finally, Chronos speaks.]

Chronos: Enough.

[He switches off the television.]

Piett: My...my brain.....I can't feel my brain.

Herve: That...that is burned into my eyes forever. That unspeakable horror will never get off those women. Or out of them. EVER.

Chronos: And that was just 14 seconds. Imagine the other 3 and a half hours of narrative and beastiality and....[shudders violently and cannot continue]

Cosmos: Now you've seen, by Chronos' violent reactions and your disbelieving eyes, the horrors you must undo.

Piett: Of course.....it won't be easy.

Cosmos: It certainly will not, for Lucy has by her side assembled a quartet of, as she calls them, "Horsewomen" to aid her in this endeavor.

Herve: Can I seduce the Four Horsewomen?

Cosmos: Sure, why not. But good luck, for their very touch brings upon death!

Piett: As well as war, pestilence and famine too, right?

Cosmos: No, just death. They're kinda generic horsewomen.

Chronos: But super duper hot.

Cosmos: Indeed.

Herve: So a hands-off seduction, then? [rubs hands together] I like a challenge.

Piett: And--

Cosmos: Oh, not Hell. But an even far worse place imaginable to the human, inhuman and eternal mind.

[A portal opens, and Cosmos and Chronos wave Piett and Herve in. They walk through together, then look at each other and dismally speak in unison.]

Piett & Herve [unenthusiastically]: Toledo again.

[And indeed, they emerge on the other side in..........]

Piett & Herve: .....HOLLYWOOD?!?

Piett: Wait, what has Hollywood ever done that's so bad?!

[At that exact moment, a bus drives by adorning advertisements HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS: THE MOVIE and a remake of CASABLANCA starring Mike Myers and Hilary Swank.]

Piett: And that shuts me up.

Herve: I can't believe Lucy would be operating out of Hollywood. What's so wrong with Hell? It's almost the same temperature and the sadistic torture of sinners far outweighs the fun of mocking tourists.

Piett: I guess she needed a better location for distribution? Who knows. All I know is we have to find her warehouse.

Herve: Warehouse? That makes it seem so sleazy.

Piett: She produces pornographic films where people fornicate, menstrate and (in the really gross ones) defecate for a camera. And other......unspeakable horrors...

Herve: Oh god, don't remind me!

Piett: And these operations always run out of warehouses.

[They walk down Hollywood Boulevard, aimlessly but with some intent. A car suddenly whizs past them out of a parking lot.]

Piett: Holy shit!

Herve: Hey, wha........DUDE! Was that Edward James Olmos driving that speeding car?! How wonderfully random. We almost got run down by Edward James Olmos.

[They continue walking, and reach a corner leading up into the Hollywood Hills. Suddenly, from around the corner, a group of women walk into Piett. They collide, with Piett's head hitting the lead woman's ample busom. Piett pulls away, then quickly stops and gasps.]

Piett: Wait..............I KNOW THESE!

Herve: Ooh, something else wonderfully random: tits!

[Suddenly Herve gasps loudly, for, maybe for the first time ever, he notices the face of the person with said tits. Piett also looks up....into the eyes of his ex-wife, Lucy Ferr.]

Lucy Ferr: You.....

Piett: You.....

Herve: Well, hello ladies....

The Four Horsewomen: HSSS!!!

Herve: AHHH!! They're snakes!!! SNAKES!!! [runs away]

*to be continued*