[Prologue: Earth. Normally just a planet full of loudmouth idiots, cultural savages and meddling superheroes, now it is a living inferno of hate, destruction and death. It is the source of cataclysmic chaos, as all around it the very fabric of space and time twists and rips apart. The entire multiverse is beginning to converge and reshape in one location. Within minutes, or hours, or weeks, or even microseconds all that is, was and ever shall be will quite probably be gone forever, recreated by the will of the God of Evil: Darkseid.
But what of life in the universe around the Earth? Is there nothing that can be done by the multitudes of lifeforms throughout the cosmos?
Many millions of miles away, just out of the reach of the cosmic disruptions but still close enough to see the chaos that tears space & time asunder, 2 beings - protectors of the universe charged with bringing law and order to sectors of the galaxy - watch the death throes of the Earth.]
Quasar: So..........what do we do?
Green Lantern: Do? Nothing.
Quasar: Nothing?! But Earth and the multiverse around us are totally boned. We gotta do something.
Green Lantern: But it's Earth. They're, like, the universe's pain in the ballsack.
Quasar: The multiverse dying is gonna be an even bigger pain in the universe's ballsack! And I'll have you know I'm from Earth. I have friends and family on that planet you call a pain in the ballsack. And a lot of really hot chicks who live there too.....who, oddly enough, I didn't mind being a pain in my ballsack.
Green Lantern: And yet you still left.
Quasar: Well, yes. To protect the cosmos and use my fantastic superhuman powers to combat the injustices of evil throughout the galaxy.
Green Lantern: But space has hot chicks, man. All sorts of hot chicks.
Quasar: They're fine. But they don't put out like Earth girls do.
Green Lantern: You ever get it on with a Tryllian female? That's, like, all they do. AND they've got 3 cans.
Quasar: Y'know, ever since I saw that that chick with the 3 cans in Total Recall I have looked and looked all over the galaxy and found nothing like that.
Green Lantern: Oh, they're out there. Trust me, they are....and they are FANTASTIC.
Quasar [sighs as he writes down "Tryllian"]: So you're just here to watch the Earth die, then?
Green Lantern: Yeah. The Guardians of Oa said to just stay here out of reach and videotape its death.
Quasar: Really. That's very surprising and totally unlike them.
Green Lantern: It was this or videotape their big gangbang sex parties.
Quasar: The Guardians are having sex with gangsters?! That is REALLY not like them!
Green Lantern: Only you could be so dumb as to think that's what a gangbang is. Jeez. You are as dumb and pointless as Ponte says you are.
(*^#$*%~$@
Joe Q. Public: Ok, ok, now hold on here. How does that Green Lantern know who Ponte is??
Michael Ponte: I know!! And which Green Lantern is it?! There are 1000's of them; at least name him!! Is it Kilowog? Salakk? The dude who looked like a giant diamond with a mohawk.
Joe Q. Public: Seriously?
[Ponte nods]
Joe Q. Public: This is very silly. Hasn't this story been silly enough?
Michael Ponte: Oh wait....the CHIPMUNK? Tell me it's not the chipmunk, Walsh!
Joe Q. Public: Is there a point to this? To any of this?!
Michael Ponte: And why the fuck is Quasar the Green Lantern ripoff in this story?!
Sean Walsh: It's just a brief prologue, touching on one last minor plot point before I wrap things up.
Michael Ponte: But QUASAR?! WHY?!?
Sean Walsh: Be...because I despise everything you stand for?
Michael Ponte: Well okay then. I can accept your honesty. [shakes Walsh's hand] Let us move on...
Joe Q. Public: I have to stop reading this crap. It's like you two are just writing these for your own entertainment...
@$~%*$#^*)
[On Earth, far away from the admittedly pointless prologue characters, DARKSEID - the God of Evil, Space and Time - sits atop his mountain of the dead. His remaining minions/aspects, Granny Goodness/Oprahseid and an Anti-Life controlled Herve, stand by his side. Before them, 2 figures fade into sight: Piett and the African American Racer, pulled from the Space/Time Continuum.]
African American Racer: ....t are you talking abBLEARGHHHHH!!!!! [vomits, obviously]
Piett: Now you're vomiting? Shouldn't you be used to moving through the ethers of space/time and whatever?
African American Racer: I was talking. Sometimes the ethers gets in your throat and make you gag.
Piett: Gross.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Ahem.
African American Racer: Not now, I'm explaining [sees who it is] BLEARGHHHHH!!!!
Piett: More ethers?
African American Racer: No, dude. It's Michael Clarke Duncan.
Piett: So??
African American Racer: Dude was awful in Daredevil.
Piett: Actually this is Darkseid, using Michael Clarke Duncan's body as an avatar while he conquers the Earth. [aside] Still haven't been able to accept how that's a better idea than just Darkseid conquering Earth.
[Pause]
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: What, no vomiting?
African American Racer: If I vomited anymore, I'd probably die. I can't see how bulimics do it. Besides, we knew you had to be here. [points to all around him] Living inferno of hate, destruction and death, after all.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Yeah.....yeah, I'm proud of it.
Herve: Albeit the headaches, master.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: There is that.
African American Racer: Headaches?
Oprahseid: Yes. Apparently Darkseid is a total newb to taking over millions and billions of minds...
Piett: Called it.
Oprahseid: ...and as a result of dispersing his consciousness throughout so many people's minds he's developed something of a horrible split personality.
African American Racer: That's deep.
Oprahseid: I've seen deeper shit in soap operas.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Guh. You watch soap operas?
Oprahseid: No, sire, you do.
[Sickened with himself for walking right into that one, Darkseid blasts Granny Goodness with his Omega beams and destroys her utterly.]
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Enough of this. It's time for these affairs to end.
Herve: Finally.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: So now, Piett, comes your demise. As I recreate the cosmos from.....where are we again?
Herve: Toledo, master.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Toledo. Well, the annals of history will always remember Toledo as the place where I killed the last remaining hurdle to my ascension to ubergodhood.
Piett: Wait, we've been in TOLEDO this whole time?! No wonder shit went downhill so badly.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: And now you die.
[As Darkseid's eyes glow, prepared to utilize the Omega effect to obliterate his foe, Piett pulls out the gun from Cosmos' lab and aims it at Darkseid. To everyone's amazement, Darkseid backs off......then laughs.]
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: A gun?! You're going to kill a god with a gun?!
[Without speaking a reply, Piett pulls the trigger, and the time travelling bullet blasts out toward Darkseid. As it gets closer, Darkseid's bravado fades and doubt overcomes him. But as quickly as it does, the bullet........disappears. There is a long, and appropriately so, pause.]
Piett: Well.....that sucks.
African American Racer: We should've expected a time travelling bullet to do that. You know, disappear and travel through time and space.
Piett: Maybe it'll reappear and blow the back of his head off.
[Pause]
Piett: Nothing.
[Long pause]
Piett: Still nothing.
[Longer pause]
Piett: .....fuck.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Pathetic. Just as all that preceded it was pathetic as well, Piett. Your life...has reached its end.
Piett: Can I just say something?
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: If you value your life, you will not.
Piett: Seriously? Just one thing.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Did you HEAR what I just said?
Piett: I swear, it's not much.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Are you retarded?
African American Racer: No, but MAN he'll beat your ass with superhuman strength if you get him 'tarded up enough.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: GUH! Fine! Say it and then let me kill you!
Piett: Zarkov.
Herve: Oh sweet, I can finally take this thing off now.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: And--wait, WHAT?!
[Darkseid turns in astonishment and watches Herve pulls the helmet off his head and toss it away.]
African American Racer: Zang!
Piett: Well, something worked.
Herve: By the way, there was no "internal feed of porn" in there, nancy pants. [points angrily at Darkseid] And if you thought I'm gonna stare at the inside of that heavy and uncomfortable helmet and have to use my IMAGINATION to come up with sexual images, then you have another thing coming!
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Inconceivable! You defied the power of the Anti-Life Equation!
Herve: I resisted. Just like Hans Zarkov.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Who?
Herve: Dr. Hans Zarkov, from Flash Gordon. Dude, we watched the movie at our place, like, a year ago.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Was that the one with the Queen music?
Herve: Yes it was.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Bluh, that movie was so stupid.
[Herve is shocked and sickened.]
Piett: Yet another reason why we need to end you. Now.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: HAHA! Fool!! What do you possibly have that could kill me?
Piett: Cosmic awareness, dickface.
Herve: So you figured out the cosmic understanding thing? Right on.
Piett: What?! You KNEW?!
Herve: Yeah. Chronos told me when we were drunk one night. Told me to keep it a secret. Then he threw up on me. Twice. Like a bulimic. Man, that was not pretty. Plus we'd been eating Twizzlers, so that stuff was just, like, EVERYWHERE, and--
Piett: OH MY GOD stop talking please!
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Yes, please. Stop talking. The time for you to die is nigh, as I will blast you into atoms and wipe you out of existance. [mockingly, with a smirk on his face] Literally, Piett. Wipe you out of existance.
[Piett stops.....and suddenly it - whatever that is - hits him. Whatever tenseness, worry and doubt filled his mind are gone.]
Piett: I don't think so, Darkseid. I think you're the one whose time has finally come to its nigh time.
African American Racer: Seriously, does Darkseid actually want to kill Piett? He coulda killed him, like, 10 times so far here.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: You think you can take me? Do you actually think you can outfight a GOD?!
Piett: No, but I can outthink one. And I'm about to turn your lowly world of solitude upside down.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: What?
Piett: See, people have told me not to be so literal. But in reality, I needed to be literal to see how we could win this. This cosmic awareness is your undoing, Darkseid, because thanks to your little sarcastic nudge, I've figured it all out.
African American Racer: He's gonna start talking a lot now, isn't he?
Herve: Walsh needs to hammer the whole point of this grand climax across in a frankly verbose and actionless manner.
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[He stops typing and pauses.]
Sean Walsh: Wow, this writing is like therapy.
[He resumes typing...]
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Piett: See, you claim anti-life is the absence of individuality. That life itself is the joy of having free thought and control over your own mind, and that anti-life is the complete and utter imprisonment of those things. But that's too cerebral. It much simpler than that. Anti-life is literally that. The antithesis of life. Anti-life.....is death.
[As an eerie smile spreads across Piett's face, Darkseid's jaw drops as he realizes, and very much dreads, what is about to occur. Herve and the Racer kinda back away, because even they sense something awful is about to happen. And behind all of them, a familiar figure on his big green chair flickers into sight and sits, watching and observing the events with great interest.]
Piett: In a way, I've become...Death.
African American Racer: Hey!
Piett: ...and now I am the master of Anti-Life. [as he speaks, the bands representing the power of anti-life form around him] So I do what you couldn't do, Darkseid, what you truly dared not do, and release the true formula of the Anti-Life Equation across the entire world. To all those controlled by Darkseid and his limited scope of anti-life.......
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: ....no....
Piett: DIE.
[And with that, everyone controlled by the Anti Life Equation simply......drops dead.]
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: NO!!!!
Herve: You just killed.....AHHH SHIT!!! You just killed the whole world!!!
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: You......you've done it. [shudders] You've achieved Anti-Life.
Piett: The real Anti-life, not the watered down version that you dwelt in and were too afraid to expand upon. And now your ultimate victory has been achieved, Darkseid. By someone else, and far grander in scope than even you were willing to commit yourself to. Live knowing that, Darkseid. Live....all alone knowing that.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: I beg of you....show me mercy!! ! Do not condemn me to this hell!! MERCY!!!!
Piett: Mercy?! For condemning me and Herve to this whole god awful multi-part saga? For making me an angel of death who had to beat the shit out of talking vampire TV's?!
Herve: What.
African American Racer: I'll tell you later.
Piett: NEVARRR!! You, Darkseid, don't suffer my literal wrath.....you suffer your own!
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: NO!!
Piett: Darkseid....you are alone. Now and forever. Go back to your Continuum, oh lord of space and time.
[Suddenly, Darkseid and all his remaining aspects are ripped from the bodies of his human hosts. Michael Clarke Duncan can only enjoy his freedom for so long before he falls over dead, his soul and body unable to live without the energy of Darkseid. The ghostly form of Darkseid - his true form, like a neon colored ghost - emerges into sight and is bound by the symbols of Anti-Life.]
Darkseid: Impossible! How does a mere mortal with a simple connection to cosmic awareness defeat a god? A GOD?!?!
Piett: African American Racer: Luck?
African American Racer: Blind luck?
Herve: Blind stupid luck?
Metron [to himself]: Adequate yet second rate storytelling and plot development. [pause] That was a statement of fact, hence the lack of a question mark.
[The bands of Anti-Life constrict around Darkseid's apparitonal body, and he howls. In anger, in defeat and in shame of his utter and complete failure of existance.]
Michael Ponte: This is my most favoritest part of everything!!
[Darkseid's cries diminish, though, as his immortal life begins to break apart and fade, and soon the bands that he wished for so long to control for himself have crushed and consumed Darkseid completely, squeezing him and themselves into almost non-existance. In a flash, Darkseid - the God of Evil, the God of Space and Time - is no more.]
Herve: Really? THAT's the death of Darkseid? Squeezed to death by rings of ancient symbols?
Piett: It was that or I sing.
Herve: That's weirdly random.
Piett: Yes, which is why I went with the hulahoops of doom.
African American Racer: So where'd he go?
Piett: Think about it, he's the lord of Space and Time. And I sent him back to his realm, the Space/Time Continuum.
African American Racer: But, but he destroyed the Continuum.
Piett: Exactly.
[Pause]
African American Racer: Oh. Oh, I've seen what you did there.
Piett: So I guess that's that.
African American Racer: I'd like to think our job here is done.
Piett: I believe it is, yes.
Herve: Ok, you 2 are real chummy. What's going on here?
Piett: Isn't it obvious, Herv? I'm cheating on you.
Herve: WHAT?!
African American Racer: HA! That's precisely what you said he'd do. Act all angry like you were a gay couple or something.
Herve: WHAT?!
Piett: And you told me he'd overreact to the false accusation that he's gay. Man, you're cool, Racer.
Herve [darkens his eyes]: Too cool.
African American Racer: Well, there's an obvious answer for that I suppose. [removes helmet]
Piett and Herve: GAHHHHH!!!!
African American Herve: Yup.
Herve: You're me.....but black!!
African American Herve: African American! And yes, I sure am.
Piett: That explains why I got along with you so well. [pause] Although it seems more like just a last minute revelations out of the blue.
African American Herve: Don't worry, I can provide a reasoned and rational explanation. See--
[Before African American Herve can explain his plot point, Herve blasts him with a laser and reduces him to ashes.]
Piett: The hell?! I liked that guy!
Herve: There's only one me, dude.
Piett: But.....well, that's a good point. Still, we never got to hear his origins and whole relevance in being here.
Herve: I can fix this. Think of something impressive he could've said.
Piett: Ok. [thinks]
Herve: Ok, now whatever you just thought.....forget it, because in reality it was not that good.
Piett: Really?
Herve: Is it EVER as good as we think it might be?
Piett [begrudgingly]: No.
Herve: There we go then.
[Herve looks around, at the complete lifelessness around them.]
Herve: So, what now?
Piett: Now we return home.
Herve: Buh?
Piett: The Miracle Machine.....device that Cosmos and Chronos left us to beat Darkseid, it's time for us to wish ourselves back home.
Herve: Back home? But.....um, dude, this is home.
Piett: This isn't home. We're clearly not in the same existance we've always been in.
Herve: Really? I had figured this was it, but we could use some magic device to undo everything Darkseid did and return things to normal.
Piett: Perhaps. But I doubt it.
Herve: Because you don't believe in miracles?
Piett: More like I don't really believe Cosmos created a miracle. Just something Darkseid obviously thought was one and used as an excuse to grab their power and kill them.
Herve: So this "Miracle Machine." Where is it?
Piett: Lost with the Continuum when Darkseid pulled us back here.
Herve: And how do we use this non-existant deux ex machine?
Piett: Easy. I memorized it.
Herve: For reals?
Piett: Cosmic awareness. Comes with photographic memory, it seems.
Herve: So then build it, brainiac.
Piett: I can't. Don't have the tools here. But rather, I can form it in my own mind.
Herve: You did drugs with black me, didn't you? So horribly stereotypical.
Piett: It's the cosmic awareness. It's like it downloaded the schematics into my mind. It's given me the ability to just.....use my mind to activate it. All I, and you, need to do to get it working is......hope.
Herve: Wait, so you don't believe in miracles, but believe in the power of hope??
Piett: Yes I do.
Herve [rolling eyes]: Ugh, you've gone all limp wristed on me. So I just.......hope for a wish that'll undo all this.
Piett: Take us home.
Herve: Whatever.
Piett: Right. Let's go.
Herve: Right? Well then.
Piett: Wish now!
Herve: Got it! Here we g
Herve: ....I think I wished too hard and pooed myself.
Piett: WISH!!!
[Somewhere dark, Piett awakens.]
AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
[He looks around. He is aghast to discover that he is now attached to a giant machine, tubes extending from his arms and chest and private parts. He is naked, wet and in a cold dark room.]
Piett: Where--what--Herve! HERVE!!!
[Piett looks around, but cannot see much in this room. His eyesight comes back to him slowly, and all he can determine is that he is in a laboratory. On the far end of it, atop a staircase, is a small room, lit from within and seperated from the rest of the lab by glass and a door. Piett pulls himself off the machine, tubes snapping and flailing behind him, as he rises up and walks toward this light.]
[Above him, 2 mad scientists - one with yellow, white and black facepaint, and a man-ape with a monocle - suddenly flinch as their motion sensors activate and they see Piett emerging from his inactive state and approaching their position.]
Mokkari: Oh shit!
Simyan: Ook?
Mokkari: We've failed! The specimens have regained consciousness and are breaking free!
Simyan: Ook!
Mokkari: Come, brother Simyan, let us flee and live to be evil another day, before we have to explain this particular plot point to the protagonists of this woeful tale of doom!
Simyan: Ook!!!
[Suddenly, the very naked Piett bursts through the glass and into the room, standing in all his glory - or shame, take your pick - before his supposed captors.]
Piett: Where - are - my - PANTS?!?!? [pause] AAAGGHHHHHHHand why did I jump through a plate glass window completely naked?!?!
Simyan: Ook ook oooook!!!!
[Piett suddenly spin kicks Simyan square in the jaw and knocks the monkey man out cold. He pulls the remaining tubes out of his nose, as well as shards of glass from all over his body, and throws them at Mokkari.]
Mokkari: Oh gross! SNOTS!!!
[Mokkari fumbles about and falls out the broken window and far below to his doom. Or death. Or at least a harsh leg-breaking. Piett looks around, looking for answers and his pants, and sighs.]
Piett: Can't find my pants, or an answer about whatever's going on here. This day cannot get any worse.
[Suddenly a metal door, revealing a complex on the other side that far outsizes when Piett's seen so far, slides open.]
Mortimer St. Charles: What's the meaning of this OH CRAP!!!!
Piett: YOU?!?!?!
Mortimer St. Charles: Yes! ME!!!! Your insidious clone, Mortimer St. Charles!!
Piett: Back from the dead...............again?!?
Mortimer St. Charles: Or recloned....or travelled through the ethers of time and space from some alternate dimension....who cares?!? All you must know is that I am your DOOM!
[Piett looks around for a weapon to shut his overly-cliched evil clone up and is stunned to see the time travelling gun on the table beside him. Albeit puzzled, he quickly grabs off the table and aims it at his clone.]
Mortimer St. Charles: What are you going to do, with little consciousness and no pants? Shoot me in the shoulder??
[Without a word, Piett fires......with no result.]
Piett: .........FUCK AGAIN!!
Mortimer St. Charles: HAHAHA! You think I've leave an armed weapon in here, with that monkey man hybrid and the uber Ultimate Warrior - and most of all, you within yelling distance?! And an armed time travelling weapon no less?!? Please. I know it's been some time since we last battled, but you couldn't possibly think I wouldn't have learned from those past encounters and allowed such a breach of common sense like that, could you?!
[Mortimer St. Charles takes the gun from Piett's hands. From his pocket he unveils....a bullet.]
Mortimer St. Charles: No, but THIS bullet. This bullet is a very special one. With it, I'm going to fire it into the past - or even future - and fulfill an evil act the likes of which you couldn't possibly fathom! Imagine....this bullet could go and blast through Lincoln's skull during the Civil War and cause the victory of the Confederacy. Or it appears in Malta in 1945, killing Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin at Malta and giving Hitler a sudden surge to overtake the Allies that ends the war in favor of the Nazis! Maybe it'll be the magic bullet that killed Kennedy and creates 45 hopeless years of American history! Or even better, this bullet could commit an all new act that tears history asunder! Killing Jesus from out of the blue when he was still a teenager! Or shooting your own mother as she was in labor with you! HAHA!! With this bullet, Piett, I could single-handedly undo your own bir--
[Suddenly, a time travelling bullet reemerges 5 feet to the left of Mortimer St. Charles' head and continues its course, plowing itself through the clone's temple and exploding out the other side. Mortimer St. Charles stands lifeless for just a moment, and then collapses, dead. Piett is still, trying to contemplate what has just happened here.]
Piett: Well....not only was my clone being killed in the middle of a villainous diatribe by a mystery time travelling bullet incredibly amazingly spectactularly unlikely, but also the best thing I could've dreamed to have happened at exactly that moment. [pause] Which makes it even MORE incredibly amazingly spectacularly unlikely.
[Suddenly, behind Piett, Herve crashes through another laboratory window, swinging on the tube that was just up his nose and lands besides Piett.]
Herve: Where the hell are we?!? Is that Mortimer St. Charles, your evil clone?!? And where are my fucking pants?!?! [pulls a shard of glass out of his crotch] I REALLY hope that doesn't kill me. Last thing I remember, we wished to undo what Darkseid did, now we're here?!
Piett: I think they must've destroyed our clothing, because--YOU DID WHAT?!?! I wished us home! I told you to wish us home!!
Herve: Pretty sure you changed your mind at the last minute, dude.
Piett: I did NOT!
Herve: Well, this could be a problem.
Piett: You think??
Herve: So what'd I miss here?
Piett: You.... [calms down, then resumes] You missed surprising awesomeness, it seems. Apparently I, or somebody, shot Mortimer St. Charles in the head with a time travelling bullet.
Herve: I thought we killed this dude. Like, twice or something.
Piett: Oh, who the hell knows anymore. But he's dead again.
Herve: Cool. Can we look for some pants, I've got some serious shrinkage here.
Piett: You're a midget. You've AlWAYS got some serious shrinkage there. [Herve scowls at him] I'm sure our clothes, and pants, are around here. I'd take his [points to St. Charles] but.....fucking clone, man. [kicks his dead clone]
Herve: Oh Christ, are you still wound up about that? Let's go.
[Piett and Herve walk out of the lab. Eventually, they find their pants, and soon they find their way out of Mortimer St. Charles' lair. They emerge from a bunker into a bright sunny day. They walk down a small hill where yonder lies a small country road.]
Piett: Y'know the worst part of this? The dream, or alternate reality, or whatever the hell those last few chapters were, didn't technically end.
Herve: We're walking off into the sunset. That's an ending, man.
Piett: No. I mean the douche in the big green chair never came back to tell me the point of it all. So it's technically not over.
[They walk away....into the sunset......]
Piett: Shit, it's over isn't it?
Herve: Yup.
And as Piett and Herve walk away, a familiar distortion in space and time reappears. The figure sits and watches, surveying the land around him and the 2 figures moving into the sunset. In a flash he lifts off the ground and soars into the atmosphere. As the distant sun shimmers off his blue and silver bodysuit, and as the giant green device leaves Earth behind and continues into deep space, he thinks. And contemplates. And knows.
Not all he has seen is right anymore....it's not right at all....
*fin*
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