[Earth. What seems like days after are in fact months. Or years. Or even eons. Now fully under the control of Darkseid, the New God of Space and Time, the very ideas of space and time warp around the planet, and all the multiverses and parallel dimensions begin to slowly converge on this one location, folding in on each other and reshaping in the image Darkseid wishes it. Atop a mountain of cities old and new, where whole continents have merged and dissolved and formed from nothingness, Darkseid sits on a grand throne, made of the bones of the long and recent dead. His newest minion, Herve, stands by his side, as the great God of All Evil.....is having a wicked killer headache.]
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Why did I agree to this?
Herve: Agree to what, sir?
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: To do this whole take over all free will thing. My head is just killing me.
Herve: It was my understanding.....OUR understanding.....that this was your single intent in life. Take over all life and destroy all individual thought. The universe and all in it will be the sole dominion of Darkseid.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: But all these voices....all these eyes.....all this jerking off! GAH! I can't believe how disgustingly precise you were with that one! All of this is even too much for the God of Space, Time and All Evil to handle all at once. Can't I delegate this shit or something?
Herve: The countdown to this crisis should've been more organized and handled with grace and finesse. Instead you just tackled too many things at once and made a mess of things by wanting to get it all done as quick and easy and violent as possible.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Are you expressing doubt? None shall doubt the will of Darkseid!!
Herve: Except Darkseid. Because my doubt is in reality your doubt. [taps his forehead] This is you now, remember?
[Pause]
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Fuckbags, you're right. [sighs] Get me some more of those medicinal nuggets.
Herve: They're called Advils.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Advil nuggets. More! Now!
[As Herve steps aside to fetch more Advil from the plunder made at the local Rite-Aid, a group of people approach him.]
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Guh, what is it now?
Oprahseid: All praise great Darkseid! Your mission has been accomplished. Your control over Anti-Life has given you victory! We salute you, master!
[She and the others in her company genuflect.]
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Point of order......keep the volume down, at least until I've consumed more Advil. [looks at the gathered assemblege] Ah, my loyal Elite, who like me fell to Earth and were assigned mortal forms to infiltrate human society and bring it to its doom. Identify yourselves, as I'm not up on the latest volumes of Who's Who On the Planet Earth.
Oprahseid: Granny Goodness, in the form of the voluptuous "Oprah Winfrey," at your command, oh great Darkseid. Although I must inquire of you the location of my Female Furies. This great victory would be sweeter if my armies of Furies could be by my side to help ravage the human morsels of his planet.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Ah, the Furies. I....... [looks at Herve and shrugs]
Herve: Great Darkseid placed in the bodies of Playboy Playmates. They'll be serving a different role in this particular crisis, Granny. [turns aside and whispers] A role in my pants.
Mario Canntoneseid: Oh that iths just thso disthgusting.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: AHHH, who the hell let the human serpent in here?! Who are you??
Mario Canntoneseid: Gloriousth Godfrey, thsir. Presthent and accounted for, oh magnificthent Darkstheid.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: By Izaya's beard, that listhp...ARGH!!
[Darkseid blasts Gloriousth....fuck, now he's got everybody doing it.....Glorious Godfrey with his Omega Beams.]
Oprahseid: I wasn't aware you were a homophobe, sire. Killing that fruit may cost us a valuable asset.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: All it cost me was another migraine. And he's not dead, I just transported him away to monitor duty. Far away. Where no one will mind the incessssent hisssssing. [groans as he tries not to hiss or lisp anymore in this story]
Oprahseid: Still seems a little homophobic...
Ahnald Schwarzeneggerseid: Gott in himmel, woman! Do not mock ze master! His vill is ze vord un iz superior to all other!
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Thank you....um....Hitler?
Ahnald Schwarzeneggerseid: Virman Vundabar, mein liege. [gives the Nazi salute]
Michael Clarkseid Duncan [lowers Vundabar's arm]: Aaaaand we'll just stop doing that now.
Kenneth Branaghseid: And Kanto is here as well. As always, my lord, your loyal and trusted master assassin.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Looking a little paunchy there, Kanto.
Kenneth Branaghseid: You're the first to notice, apparently. I suppose I could always direct my mayhem more from behind the scenes, master.
Al Sharptonseid [speaking into his megaphone]: AND EVEN I AM HERE, MASTER! DEVILANCE THE PURSUER!
All: AHHHH!!!!
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Ok, I must really have problems, because I don't even remember that one!
Al Sharptonseid: OH MASTER, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GAVE ME THE FORM OF THIS HUMAN PREACHER WITH AN IDIOTIC YET DEVOTED BAND OF FOLLOWERS, SO THAT MY VOICE CAN FINALLY MATTER! I AM SO HONORED THAT YOU'VE FINALLY DECIDED TO REWARD ME FOR MY LOYALTY AND MY SERVICE. OH, AND THE MEGAPHONE! MIGHT I ADD THAT I REALLY REALLY LOVE THE MEGAPHONE!
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Someone please take the megaphone away from him immediately and get him out of here.
[Kanto and Vundabar remove it from his hands and lead him away.]
Oprahseid: Begging Darkseid's pardon, but.....we seem a lot more stereotypical than usual.
I'm a fat annoying woman, Godfrey was incredibly homosexual and not the more appropriate reverend preacher which you strangely assigned to the Pursuer, Kanto is a Shakespearian actor instead of a Renaissance courtesan and Vundabar is far more German than Prussian, and not in any of the good ways.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Your point, Granny?
Oprahseid: ......oh, I don't really have one sir. Just pointing it out to be a bitch.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Wow, this a new side of you, Granny Goodness.
Oprahseid: I know! This particular host is pretty confident in herself. Wouldn't it be great if she were incredibly rich too? I'd up and quit this shit!
Kenneth Branaghseid: I think what Granny is so astutely saying is that it appears you've assigned us personalities that are....not as traditional as they once were.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: I prefer Granny's assessment, that there's no point to this at all.
Herve: Actually, he kinda has a point.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan and Kenneth Branaghseid: Really?!
Herve: I do remind you, master, and thusly you all, that we are all mere aspects of Darkseid. All your characters, all your personality traits....they all stem from one mind, one glorious consciousness. Darkseid IS, and his glory has never been more singular.
Kenneth Branaghseid: Nifty.
[Suddenly, a portal opens and out from a glowing white light walks a confident, articulate, hopeful and awe-inspiring man.]
Herve: Oh shit! It's Jesus!!
Barack Obama: The time for change is now, Darkseid! We will rebuild, we will recover. The spirit of America lies within us all, and together humanity shall overcome the adversity. Yes we can!
[Pause]
All: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Obamaseid: Holy shit, this guy is awesome! I just make stuff up off the cuff and he says it! And the people all buy this crap! Plus he's totally handsome - fanTASTIC!
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Oh, Desaad, you are such a torturous prankster.
Obamaseid: I'm...not Desaad, master.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: You're not?? I swore I put Desaad in that one. So who are you?
Obamaseid: Dr. Bedlam, sire.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Dr. Bedlam?! Why the hell did I put YOU in the body of the American president?!
Obamaseid: Thanks, sir. Those words didn't completely break my heart.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: So where the hell's Desaad??
2 voices: Right here, master!
[Reality TV stars Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag of "The Hills" approach Darkseid.]
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Desaad??
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag: Yes, my lord, it is I.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Wait, why are you speaking together?
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag: Seems in the transfer, master, I possessed these Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag peons at the same time.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: That's complex. [holds his head] Ugh, I'd come up with a name that combines all that into one, but....
Herve: Speidiseid.
[Darkseid pauses to think....and nods his head.]
Herve: Speidiseid it is!
Speidiseid: Thanks a lot, midget. [pause] I mean, uh, thank you, vessel of my lord and god almighty.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: So, how goes our progress?
Speidiseid: To be honest with you, sir, I have no idea. The female keeps wanting to party, pretend she's famous and focus on herself over all else, while the male also pretends he's legitimately famous and hoards over her like a doting brother. Which is disgusting, because they have sex. A lot. [chuckles] I'm having sex with myself, everybody, who knew that day would actually come?!
[Everyone present raises their hand. Once again, Darkseid lowers Vundabar's arm.]
Speidiseid: Thanks, assholes. It's like you planned this, master, for all my years of treachery, sadisticness and deception. Putting me in the bodies of the 2 most awful human beings that have probably ever lived. Plus they're both as dumb as rocks and I think illiterate too, so I really can't do a fucking thing in here.
[Michael Clarkseid Duncan pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. Suddenly, his eyes turn red and he blasts the 2 young actors - and Desaad in the progress - with his Omega Beams. Within a microsecond, Desaad, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are all no more.]
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: And so endeth that melodramatic tale. Well, now my recon is utterly boned. I guess I have to go blind with this whole taking over the earth and then the universe and then all the multiverses thing.
Obamaseid: ...wait, aren't your eyes and ears everywhere? Can't you see all this recon for yourself??
[Michael Clarkseid Duncan grimly stares at Dr. Bedlam's mortal form, and as he presses his fingers against his temple he blasts Obamaseid with the Omega Beams as well.]
Obamaseid: HOPE! [dies]
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: And so another headache goes away. 2 down........billions more to go. Where are those Advils?!
Herve: Sir, you're downed like 40 of them. I think that might be a bit much.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: This impressive physical frame can apparently withstand any adverse side effects. I require more!
Al Sharptonseid: YOU PICK ONLY THE BEST, O DARKSEID!
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: I thought I told someone to confiscate that megaphone! Begone with you....all of you! I must rest...and figure out just what to do when I've exterminated all individuality and free will in the multiverse.
Oprahseid: Wait.....sire, all of it?
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Of course. I'm the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega.
Al Sharptonseid: So you're gonna control all life, even though you're obviously not comfortable with all these eyes and ears everywhere?
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Dammit all, you're confusing me!!
Herve: More like you're confusing you, master.
Al Sharptonseid: Not very much to be confused about. You control life and like it, or you don't....which one is your desire?!
[Darkseid incinerates the Pursuer with more Omega Beams, who apparently pursued nothing but trouble and got it.]
Oprahseid: We'll depart, glorious Darkseid. [aside] What remains of us.
Michael Clarkseid Duncan: Vundabar, Kanto....join Godfrey at the outpost. The rest of you....stay close, but away from me while I.....guhh....while I rest...
[His minions depart, as Darkseid rests in his throne.]
Oprahseid: This is all just very confusing. Darkseid is all, but the all is giving him awful migraines and probably a personality disorder? This was not the plan....this was never the plan...this is all just so confusing.
Herve: You're telling me. [snickers]
Oprahseid: Are you laughing?
Herve: Darkseid's will is complex. And hypocritical. [pause] But that's why we love him.
Oprahseid: You mean we love ourselves. And thus him. [pause] See?! Confusing!!
[Granny storms off, while under Herve's mask.....a slight smirk forms...?]
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