At least, in our lifetime it is. In this one.......
A flash of light envelopes a clearing, and when the light dissipates there only remains Firmus Piett and Herve Villechaize, agents of the Space/Time Continuum. They brush off their clothes - as if to imply time travel gets one dusty or wrinkled - and are about to speak when they are overcome by shock and awe at what they see before them.
HEAVEN ON EARTH.
PRAISE BE TO GOD.
[Pause]
Herve: .....oh fuckbags, he went back in time again and kidnapped Jesus, didn't he?!?!
Piett: How incredibly insightful of you, Herv. But not a problem. We just reactivate our devices and go back before he does, thereby stopping his--
[Piett clicks his belt buckle, but nothing happens. Some slight sensation near his crotch, perhaps, but no portal or time travel or any sort occurs. Piett taps it again, and again, and keeps doing so getting harder, until it damn near gets violent. Herve, understanding that there's a problem some tapping just cannot fix, tries to stop him, and they soon wrestling their hands in Piett's crotch area.]
Piett: It's not working! Not working!
Herve: Enough with this, Piett! Oy gevault!
[Suddenly someone appears nearby, and is aghast at what he sees and hears. He points and yells loudly.]
Man: Brothers, to arms! Homosexuals are afoot in the park!
[Piett and Herve turn around and freeze in place, with their hands still in that unfortunate place.]
Herve: Jehovah!!!
Man: And one of them's a JEW!!!
[The man, cloaked in white wearing Mickey Mouse ears and still pointing at them with a white Mickey Mouse gloved hand, is soon joined by others in white robes with Mickey ears and gloves.]
Piett: This would be adorably hilarious if it wasn't insane. And would you GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY JUNK!!! [brushes Herve's hands away]
Another man: Brother Ludwig was right!
Yet another man: Kill them for trespassing on our land!
Still yet another man: And for being gay Jews, right?
Yet another man: Facts are fuzzy, but yes, that too!
[The 4 men advance on the cosmic heroes, who quickly seperate and prepare to fight. Herve suddenly leaps forward and startles Piett but for a moment.]
Herve: NINJA KICK!
[Herve totally ninja kicks the first man.]
Piett: What the hell?
Herve: LETHAL EYE POKE!
[Herve spins around after his ninja kick and eye pokes the second man, pretty much gouging them right out of his head.]
Herve: GNAW ON THE THROAT!
[Herve leaps at the third and gnaws his larynx into a bloody mess.]
Piett: Since when do we call our actions out like that?
Herve: Hey come on, it's fun!
Piett: Uh, ok.
[Piett turns to his attacker, the fourth man.]
Piett: RAPE!!!
[The attacker stops in place and is overcome with fear. He grabs his private parts and runs away.]
Herve [kinda disgusted]: Dude, REALLY?
Piett: I wasn't gonna rape him. Just wanted to see what it'd do.
Herve: Yeah. He ran away.
Piett: Most do. Or at least try to.
Herve: He ran away TO GET HELP, PROBABLY!!
Piett: Oh. [pause] Yeah. The ones who run usually do, don't they?
Herve: Get AFTER HIM ALREADY!!!
[The 2 leap into action and run. They run past some planted trees, and soon come into a greater clearing, where they are now amongst many other people and are able to pinpoint their location in the park.]
Herve: It's a Small World?!? Oh God, I hate this ride!
[Suddenly the eyes of all around them affix onto them. Tourists, guards, a crowd of small international children, a few priests and nuns, and the fleeing man in white robes, who is now amongst others of his ilk.]
Man: There, my friends! They killed my brothers! These....these unbelievers!!
[The crowd seems concerned, but largely unimpressed.]
Man: And one of them is a JEW!!!
[The crowd suddenly becomes enraged, and charges the quantum duo.]
Piett: How harsh and offensive of him to assume that. How does he know our religion?
Herve: The time for logic is not now, Piett! LOOK!!
[Herve points at the small group of stereotypically dressed international children running at them. Mini-geishas, mini-mimes, kids with mini-sombreros.....all of them angrily charging. Herve seems to almost cower in fear.]
Herve: Dude, I gotta level with you. I've never been good in a fight with kids.
Piett: Wait, you can ninja kick and tear the throats out of normal sized men, but you have a problem with children and other little people?!
Herve: I always thanked Allah we never went to Endor or a Justin Beiber concert, because I woulda never come back! RUN!!!
[Piett takes out his ray gun and starts firing at the small crowd. A few kids are destroyed, but the rest still keep coming. The duo run away as children and adults, dressed normally and as Disney characters, alike pursue. They soon come across the local monorail station and bound up the steps, as a train rolls to a stop.]
Herve: Aw sweet, it's suited up as a Tronorail. Nice....
Piett: Shut up and get in!!!
[Piett jumps in as the doors open, but Herve does not.]
Piett: COME ON!!
Monorail voice: Please stand clear of the doors..........por favor mantengase alejado de las puertas.
[Herve calmly enters and the doors begin to close.]
Piett: REALLY?
Herve: Sorry. But I can't go without hearing it said in Spanish too.
Piett: But the voice is IN the train too!!
[As the doors close and their pursuers are cut off, someone behind them coughs.]
Piett: Oh lord, come on. Ever heard of personal space, m--
[He turns into the face of a man dressed as John Worthington Foulfellow from Pinocchio, who is flanked by as traincar full of tourists, cultist followers and even more Small Worlders (or just colorful foreign kids). Piett gulps, but Herve bypasses that and headbutts Foulfellow in the dick.]
John Worthington Foulfellow: {muffled groans and assorted swear words denoting pain of a great amount}
Herve: I never liked that guy.
[The other people in the car rise up and take both Piett and Herve down. Herve is overwhelmed by the international children, and Piett can only shoot and stomp a few people here and there before he is overcome by the remaining crowd of grown ups and guards and robed men. In a matter of minutes, a crowd of nearly 100 has overtaken the quantum agents.]
*******
....in this reality, my empire was built long before I was even born!
I didn't have to create dummy corporations to acquire the land from the state....the land and the state and the country it was in had been owned by my followers for centuries already!!
I actually LIVED to see this resort open and thriving!
And I LIVED to see my place among man rise above all others!
It is the single greatest achievement of power in the history of man!
Don't you understand?! My time travels achieved something no other man....LIVING GODHOOD!
And as a god.....I cannot die. Don't you see?
I CANNOT DIE!!!!
Dead men tell no tales.....
What?! Hey, stop that!
...this here's the wildest ride in the wilderness...!
This is MY bodyless monologue, you hillbilly bastard! Stop it!!
...por favor mantengase alejado de las puertas.
Oh come on, they already did that one!!
*******
[In another place (yet same time.....well, like, an hour later or something), Piett wakes up in a large room, which seems upside down. He tries to stand up, but is off-balanced, and as he realizes that he is walking in an upside down room, he notices that he is wearing....some very strange attire. He stumbles forward and reaches for the nearest object to lean on. At first, he sees a chandalier, but as he reaches for it the entire room seems to suddenly flip around (except for Piett) and his hand instead finds itself on a small wooden table. As his hand presses down, a small object on the table falls and rolls into his hand. He picks it up and inspects it: a small tube, with a handwritten note attached to its cap. Almost immediately, he drops it and the tube shatters on the ground. Piett looks around, calmly for a moment and then quite frantically as the seconds progress forward, until he eyes a mirror. Or, more accurately (and as a sign beneath it is labelled).....a looking glass. Piett gazes upon and is.....quite horrified by what he sees.]
Piett: It couldn't be the animated Mad Hatter, could it? It HAS to be the Johnny Depp one.
[Elsewhere in the room, Herve awakens.]
Herve: I'mlate!I'm late! AHH!! [confused pause] Wait, is the room upside dowNAAGGGHHHH!!!!
[Herve falls from the ceiling and lands flat on his face. Piett doesn't bat an eye as his friend, dressed as the White Rabbit, stands up and realizes the severity of the situation. Herve is horrified at his hackneed costume, while Piett ignores him and tries to deduce their location (though, now and again, he flicks one of Herve's fuzzy rabbit ears to his great annoyance).]
Herve: So we're stuck in a terrible live action Alice in Wonderland scenario. [pause] At least it's not Oliver and Company. I wouldn't wanna be licking my own asshole like a dog constantly. [pause] Because you know that's what I'd be doing if I could.
Piett: Naturally.
[Piett pokes around the room, looking for some sort of escape.]
Herve: Wait, I think there's a door. The story had a little door.
Piett: Herve, I act--
Herve [looks around]: Ah. There it is. I found it. Right there.
[Herve looks down while Piett bends down, and they see a small door. Piett sighs as Herve opens it and sighs as well.]
Herve: Shit. How do we get out?
Piett: As I was about to s--
Herve: Wait, in the movie there's a small veil of liquid on the table. Let's go back and--
[Some moments later, on the other side of the small door (which is now an animated world it seems). A scream eminates from beyond the door as Herve is pushed through, almost like Play Doh, until he is fully on the outside. He vomits immediately and gets up, turning back to yell at his cohort.]
Herve: PIETT!! Why the hell did you do--
[Beside him, a regular sized door opens and Piett walks calmly through.]
Piett: As I was trying to tell you, I found a regular door while you were going on about the little door. Moron.
Herve: Holy crap, Piett.
Piett: I know. *I* use my brain too.
Herve: No, Piett. [points at him] You're a fox!
Piett: What?
[Piett touches himself.]
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
[She stops reading and daydreams a moment.]
Ashley: Mmmmmmmmmmm......
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
Piett: Oh God, I AM a fox!! A fox with.....loin clothes on?!
Herve: Fuck me, you're a hairy Green Arrow!
Piett: No, you clod, I must be Robin Hood!
Herve: They Disney Robin Hood! Of course!
Piett: So much better than the Kevin Costner and Russell Crowe ones.
Herve: So who am I?
Piett: You're still a rabbit. Oh yeah, shoulda noticed you were wearing loin clothes and holding a
little bow and arrow now.
Herve: AwwwwWWWWWW, I'm that cute little rabbit who wants to be Robin Hood?!
Piett: Uh, yeah. That one. Kinda sad that someone would wanna be like Robin Hood, isn't it? A
homeless thief who contributes nothing to society except the belief that it must be degraded and
reconstructed all for the good of the poor and hopeless?
Herve: Enough of your rambling and senseless social commentary, Walsh, it's FIGHTIN' TIME!!!
Piett: My name isn't Walsh, it's--
Herve: FIGHTIN' TIME!!!
[Piett looks ahead and sees a gaggle of Disney characters rushing them. As Herve gets riled up, Piett has to stop and be the talky voice of non-action.]
Piett: Whoever came up with this plot clearly just wanted to work the Robin Hood thing in. And latch onto the popularity of that Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movie too, I guess. But in fact, segue is just the exact same thing we were doing before--
Herve: FIGHTIN' TIME!!!
[Herve ignores Piett's rambling and rushes to fight. He tackles the Sultan from Aladdin and tears out his larynx with his bunny rabbit teeth, then throws his turbin hat into the face of Gyro Gearloose. It envelops his head and he gags for breath and falls aside. Piett takes his bow and sends an arrow right into the animated head of that fat asshole Sir Ector from Sword in the Stone. He fires a few more shots, killing Sir Kay, Gepetto, Gaston and a few other (and let's face it, boring) human characters from various Disney films, then takes the bow and garrotes a revived Gyro Gearloose with its string, twisting his neck until he lives no more. He rejoins Herve, covered in blood (typical) and awaiting further foes.
Herve: I know of at least one person would find everything you're doing completely hot.
Piett: I know. This *is* hot.
Herve [glares up at Piett]: ....uh, yeah. I was talking about you.
Piett: Shit! It's the main event! LOOK!!
[From a door that suddenly appears out of nowhere, several figures walk through. Mickey Mouse holding a giant mallet, Goofy wearing what appear to be steampunk goggles, Donald Duck with a bloodied banjo, and Launchpad McQuack.]
Mickey Mouse: Haha!
Donald Duck: Thuns of bitchesth mustht pay!
Goofy: A-huck! Murder the unbelievers, my brothers!
Herve: Wait, Launchpad McQuack's a main event player?
Piett [stops in his tracks]: I cannot believe, of all the astonishingly awesome things we were just presented, you chose to point out fucking Launchpad McQuack?!?
Launchpad McQuack: If it helps, I can't really believe it either.
Mickey Mouse: KILL for Disney!!
[The Disney trio (and Launchpad McQuack) assault. Mickey swings his mallet at Herve but misses, and walks into a boot to the face from Piett. Goofy and Launchpad double-team Piett with a beating, while Donald Duck starts screaming and tackles Herve. The 2 roll around and manage to trip up Goofy, who falls into a sleeper hold from Piett.]
Piett: SLEEP!!
[Goofy loses consciousness and falls asleep. Or dies of asphyxiation. Either way, he's done.]
Herve: Hey, that was kinda better.
Donald Duck: Facthe me!!!
Herve: "Face you?" God, Donnie, learn to talk. Your nephews speak normally now. So does your rich Republican uncle. So does Launchpad McQuack!!
Launchpad McQuack: Hey, thanks for the compliment, maAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
[From behind, Piett smashs Launchpad in the back with Mickey's mallet, probably crippling him.]
Herve: Don't get me wrong. I totally have respect for the Disney ducks [aside] though I'll never understand why so few of you wear pants. And the fact that an asshole like you is such an intregal part of the Wonderful World of Disney pleases me to no end and gives me hope for mankind. But....come on, at least try to sound normal.
Donald Duck: Why you, I oughta sutherththgrbblblbarghaWWWWABLBLBLBLBLHHHHHAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Herve: I tried.
[Herve takes an arrow from his little pouch, grabs Donald's tongue and stabs it through. Donald howls in pain and falls to the ground screaming and crying.]
Donald Duck: Oh dear lord, the pain! It's excrutiating!!!
Herve: Really? *That's* what made it work? Ugh.
[Herve kicks Donald in the head and knocks him out. Behind him, Piett is assaulting Launchpad McQuack with that mallet. Mickey Mouse, holding his head where Piett kicked him, stares in horror as Piett smashes Launchpad McQuack into a bloodtastic oblivion. Before Mickey can sulk away, though, Herve stops him and makes him watch Launchpad McQuack become a bloody paste. Finally, the blood-curtling horror is too much for him to bear, and an inhuman (or rather.....quite human) scream bellows through the room.]
Mickey Mouse: ARRRGUUUUUUAAAGHHHHHHMMMMMFFFAAAAHHHH!!!!!
[Suddenly the animated world around them fades away and the tight confines of a secluded room appear in its place. Goofy and Donald's fallen forms turn into lifeless animatronic figures. Piett's mallet attack smooshes a duck's flattened head one moment, then the next crashs down on the shattered remains of a broken mechanical body. And Herve, now a midget human again, finds himself holding a normal-sized man.]
Herve: Holy crap...Walt Disney?!?
Piett: Of course. He was the voice of Mickey all those [stops] Wait, am I still a fox?
Herve: You'll always be a fox to me.
Piett: I meant am I a literal fox!!
Herve: No, you're human again.
Piett: Good. Because I was not looking forward to taking a crap as a fox. [resumes] He was the voice of Mickey all those years. So why wouldn't Mickey in this fantasy realm be Disney himself??
Herve: I'm shocked a man of your age can make that kind of sound...
Walt Disney: You.....you monsters!! You've destroyed my dream....destroyed my MIND!!
Herve: Dude, what? We just beat up your cartoon playpals.
Walt Disney: Not....cartoons.....but extensions of myself....my very mind....
Piett: What?
Herve: Oh no. Dude, you didn't smoke some of Jesus' blood after you kidnapped him, did you?
Piett: Ok. That is the most absurd and idiotic thing I have--
Walt Disney: I did!
Piett: --HOLYGODDAMNFUCKSHITWHAT?!?!
Herve: He totally tricked you, man. [chuckles] Classic Jesus.
Piett: How do you *smoke* blood?!?
Walt Disney: He....I....must survive....must live....my empire....my.....akkkhhuahhh....
[Walt Disney falls limp and dies.]
Piett: Whoa.
Herve: Yeah.
[Pause]
Herve: That was quick. And with so much left unexplained.
Piett: Yeah, like "What'd he do with Jesus?"
Herve: And "how will this all be resolved, what with the park apparently being his kingdom of Heaven on Earth."
Piett: And "who's that black dude sitting in the corner?" Seriously, who is that?
Herve: Hey, that's the black dude from Song of the South.
Black dude from Song of the South: Howdy. [pause] Want me to sing some songs for you?
Herve: No no no no nononono no, please. That did not go well for society the first time.
Piett: We're not racists or into stirring up those racial complexities.
[Pause]
Black dude from Song of the South: But...you're white.
Piett: And we're walking away from him now.
Herve: I think I know where we are.
Piett: The Disney Vault?
Herve: Yeah. Exactly. How did you--
Piett: SNL did a casrtoon skit about it or something. This is probably the part where we find Jim Henson bound and gagged or something.
Jim Henson: Not bound and gagged. Jesus freed me from my bondage.
Jesus: Nice biblical reference there.
Herve and Piett: JIM HENSON?!?
Jesus: And Jesus! Ahh!
Piett: Yeah yeah, "and Jesus." We got it.
Jesus: You have done well, my friends, coming to rescue us.
Herve: Wait, how did you know we were coming to rescue you?
Piett: Maybe we were coming to rescue Jim Henson?
Jim Henson [gasps]: You were?!
Piett: No. We weren't. But you are a delightful happenstance, Jim.
Jesus: I know all and see all, my children.
Jim Henson: He's right about that. I haven't won a game of poker since he showed up.
Herve: So you've been playing poker this whole time?
Piett: With that black dude from Song of the South sitting over there the whole time? Harsh.
Jesus: No. [pause] No, he did not want to play with us.
Jim Henson: He *really* doesn't like white people.
Herve: We gathered.
Jesus: You've succeeded in defeating our captor, Walt Disney. And on the actual date of his death, too...December 15th. And now, your gift....
Herve: Why would Jesus give us a gift? Damn, son, look at all the loot around here. We could totally feast on these lost gems and sell 'em for a mint on eBay. [starts rummaging through boxes and shelves of items] Look, a jar containing Michael Eisner's soul. [rummage, rummage] The severed head of Mel Blanc. [rummage, rummage] The original script of Sleeping Beauty, which....[reads].....is actually the script for Pretty Woman. Huh. [rummage, rummage] Ooh, the original plans for EPCOT Center......and it was in the shape of a Swatzika. Shocker. [rummage, rummage] Ooh! A naked version of The Little Mermaid......oh wait, in this one the Little Mermaid was a dude...
Piett: Are you done rummaging so Jesus can retort?
Herve: I feel I've done my damage to the minds of those reading, yes.
Jesus: Thou shalt not steal.
Herve: You waited all that time to say that? Dude, you have incredible patience.
[Jesus waves his hole-y hands at him, and Herve nods at the further evidence offered.]
Piett: Sacrilicious.
Jim Henson: Oh please, Jesus. You've been drinking Disney's stash of hooch the whole time you were here.
Jesus: And for that, Jim, you shall die of organ failure.
Jim Henson: Oh bother.
Jesus: Anyway, my friends.....your gift.....
[Long pause.]
Piett: Yes?
Herve: What is it?
Jesus: Oh. Really? That was supposed to be it.
Jim Henson: What?
Jesus: The end of the story.
Herve: The end?
Piett: Without a proper resolution?
Jesus: Yeah.
Herve: What about the next story?
Jesus: It'll all be fine by then. Back to normal.
Piett: Really??
Jesus: I can do that. [strikes a heroic pose] I'm Jesus.
[Pause]
Jim Henson: Seriously, organ failure? Lame.
Jesus: You want Scooter's AIDS instead?
Jim Henson: Organ failure it is then.
Herve: DARK.
*fin*
O_o
No comments:
Post a Comment