Have a Hervé Pervé Christmas

[The Space/Time Continuum. Saturday morning. Christmas. Herve and Piett are sitting on a couch, watching A Christmas Story and enjoying themselves, despite being absolute lazy bores this Christmas morning. Piett, with remote control in hand, sits up and wonders, as Herve watches on while twirling a long wintery scarf with his mittened hands.]

Herve: What?
Piett: .......should we have put a tree up?
Herve: Nah. Too much work. It's stored....[flails his arm in a random direction]....way over there somewhere.
Piett: Oh yeah.

[Piett slumps back down on the, munching on some pretzels and fiddling with something on his iPad.]

Herve: What are you doing?
Piett: I'm just writing.
Herve: That can't be good. You know what happens when Walsh writes. [points everywhere] THIS happens.
Piett: It's all for a good cause. Something cool, someday. Soon. [pause] Or later.
Herve: Is this another slight reference to how wonky the timeline seems, that we're not really supposed to say anything about or notice?
Piett: Yup.
Herve: Guh. Leave the thinking about that nonsense to Cosmos and Chronos.
Piett [snickers]: Good luck with that.

[When suddenly--

KABLAMMMOOOOOO!!!!

[Herve and Piett leap up, as the wall beside and behind them burst into flames and unrefundable construction material.]

Herve: Hilary Swank's ass, what the HELL!!!!!???!!?!

[They stumble and turn, as a sleigh drawn by several reindeer flies through the destroyed portion of the very nice space/time mansion and hovers in front of them.]

Piett: Oh shit, it's Santa!
Santa: And I'm pissed, you godless souls! You've been very naughty this year! VERY naughty indeed!
Piett: The hell?! We've only done, like, 5 stories this year! Granted, we killed a hot chick and Ewan McGregor and Walt Disney and tons of kids all throughout.....but come on!
Herve: And continuity doesn't even apply anymore, so you can't count the old stuff that we probably did or something! [pause] Oh wait, is that the naughty part? Is Santa really geeking out evil over ignoring continuity?
Santa: No, I'm talking about not putting up a Christmas tree!
Piett: That..........*just* happened, dude. How can you possibly say we've had a naughty year for something we forgot to do over the last few days?
Santa: Santa doesn't care! Santa is all powerful!
Herve: Ok, Evil Santa is a bit much, no offense. This is highly odd even for our standards.
Santa: You do not BELIEVE Santa can be so insane that he makes little sense?! That damns you even more!! Enough of this! [points] KILL THE UNBELIEVERS!!!

[Santa points his gloved hand toward the quantum duo, and several figures leap down from the sleigh. Frosty the Snowman, the Heatmiser, the Snowmiser, The 3 Wise Men, Mr. Freeze, Fred Claus, Burl Ives and Megan Fox dressed up like a slutty elf.]

Piett: Holy shit, random people who do and don't represent this particular holiday season!
Mr. Freeze: Ice to see you!

[Everyone groans. Even Megan Fox.]

Fred Claus: Didn't we agree you wouldn't do those annoying cold puns?
Burl Ives: That's right. And you wouldn't use the Schwarzenegger voice, either.
Mr. Freeze: I....he......[long pause, sighs].....snow problem.

[His teammates suddenly turn on him with great ferocity, and brutally beat and murder Mr. Freeze. herve and Piett are stunned by this opening act of aggression.]

Piett: Well that's encouraging. One down, several to go.
Herve: Not really. They're really killin' the shit out of him. I suspect the same will go for us.
Piett: Then let's DO THIS!

[Piett leaps forward, and Herve follows. Piett stabs Fred Claus in the back of the neck with the remote control for the TV, and it kills him dead. Herve headbutts Burl Ives in the dick, which causes him to fall to his knees and puke. But before he can, Herve shoves his mittens in Burl Ive's mouth and wraps his wool scarf around Burl's face. As his ties the scarf behind his head, Burl Ives can only choke on his own vomit and die horribly.]

The 3 Wise Men: JESUS CHRIST!

[Pause]

The 3 Wise Men: Oh yeah, THAT'S what we were doing before the fat man absconded us. Let's go!!

[The 3 Wise Men flee and escape the mansion.....where they fall off the edge of the floating mansion, and into the void of the Space/Time Continuum.]

[Don't worry, they end up in Nazareth.]

[....eventually.]

Herve: Aw man, I wanted to kill them for talking in unison like that.
Piett: We're being especially violent today.
Herve: This is what happens when you declare war on Christmas.
Piett: Is that a sociopolitical potshot?
Herve: No. We've seriously at war with Christmas right now. I just killed Burl Ives by forcing him to gag to death on his own throw-up.

[With the remaining cowering away from the quantum agents, they focus their attention on Megan Fox.]

Megan Fox: I don't do short guys.
Herve: Brian Austin Green says otherwise. AWWWWWWW SNAP, SON!!! YEAH!
[Herve starts dancing around like a geeky white guy.]
Piett: Oh no you didn't!
Herve: Aw yeah I did!

[Piett joins in on the geeky white guy dance.]

Megan Fox: Wait, but he's taller than me.

[Herve sighs. Piett takes out his ray gun and zaps Megan Fox into oblivion.]

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

Michael Bay: Wait, did you feel that?..............that felt like justice......

¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø

Herve: I'm coming around on this ray gun of yours. Very effective.
Piett: About time you--LOOK OUT!!!
Frosty the Snowman: RRARRRRRR!!!

[Frosty bounds toward the two heroes, and throws an object directly at Herve's face. Herve screams.....as the object stabs him in the face.]

Piett: HERV!!!
Herve: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[He stops screaming, and throws the object away.]

Herve: You threw a CARROT at me! A FUCKING CARROT!!!
Piett: Uh, that's his nose.
Herve: YOU THREW YOUR NOSE AT ME!!!! You have a top hat that transmogrifies things into living form, yet you fight BY THROWING YOUR NOSE AT ME?!?!
Frosty the Snowman: I was not expecting this reaction whatsoever.
Piett: How can you say that? You threw your carrot nose.....ok, I think we've hammered that point home enough already. Hurry on your way to hell, you snowball asshole.

[Piett aims his ray gun and blasts it at Frosty. The top hat is incinerated, as is the rest of Frosty, who turns into a puddle of slush.]

Frosty: NggggGGGGAAAHHHHH!!!! [melts, dies]
Herve: Oh shit, that's a heat ray gun too?!
Piett: Apparently.

[Piett examines the gun, then aims it at Snowmeiser and shoots him too with the exact same results.]

Snowmeiser: NggggGGGGAAAHHHHH!!!! [also melts, also dies]
Herve: NICE!
Heatmeiser: You killed him! You killed my brother!
Piett: Yeah? And?
Herve: You didn't even like your brother, dude.
[Pause]
Heatmeiser: You're right. [looks around] To be honest, I don't even know why I was even here in the first place. Fuck Santa.
Piett: Wow.
Herve: Was it curiosity?
Heatmeiser: Maybe. Also because this isn't that god damn Rankin Bass special, and it's nice to show up alongside actual living humans for a change.
Piett: So?
[Pause]
Heatmeiser: So.....see ya, I guess?
Herve: God I hope not.

[Heatmeiser erupts into a fiery ball of smoke, and disappears back to.....Hell? Is that where he was from? I don't know.]

Herve: I feel a lot of things are going to waste here. No yellow snow jokes when Frosty the nose throwing dickbag was still alive, no stop-motion animated song and dance number...
Piett: Let's just keep killing.

[Herve looks around.]

Herve: We killed everybody. Huh.
Piett: Hey. We did. How 'bout that.
Santa: Not everyone!!

[Santa Claus leaps from his sleigh and lands on the ground in front of the two. He pulls a lightsaber from his belt and ignites it, then proceeds to do all sorts of Nick Gilliard-trained Prequel Jedi maneuvers. Piett and Herve are horrified that this might not actually be one of those moments when they can just shoot the guy doing all the fancy moves. Piett lifts his ray gun up, though, just for the hell of it.]

Piett: I'm totally gonna try.
Herve: I wouldn't.

[Piett goes to fire, but the lightsaber slashs the ray gun in two. Piett screams.]

Piett: OH MY GOD MY RAY GUN!
Herve [pointing in horror]: OH MY GOD YOUR HAND!

[Piett looks down and sees that his hand has also been lopped off.]

Piett [pointing at his stump with his other still-useful hand]: OH MY GOD MY HAND!!!
Santa: Enough of this naughtyness! Time to DIE!!!

[Santa swings his lightsaber toward Piett's neck, but he ducks and dodges. He joins Herve, and together the 2 flee screaming. Santa runs after them.]

*******

[This continues for, like, an hour and a half, all thoughout the entire very-nice Space/Time Continuum mansion. Piett and Herve finally re-enter the main room - Herve on, as he's short and can't run fast or for very long apparently. They go to collapse on the couch, but realize that it's covered in reindeer droppings, from the reindeer (and sleigh) still hovering in the air. Some minutes pass, and eventually Santa re-enters the main room too, panting and wheezing and struggling to find somewhere comfortable to collapse. Seeing that Piett and Herve have taken the comfy chairs alongside the shit-covered couch, Santa falls to one knee. He tries to talk and provide more exposition for the story, but he cannot, and he finally falls flat on his face. Some minutes pass.]

Herve: ....wait, is he dead?
Piett: He hasn't moved in a while.
Herve: Oh shit, did we just *run* Santa to death?

[Piett gets up and walks over. He goes to check for a pulse on Santa's neck, but instead grabs Santa by the neck and cruelly snaps it. Piett sits back down as Herve glares at what just happened.]

Piett: If he wasn't dead before, he's sure as fuck dead now.
Herve: Colin Farrell's ballbag, that was downright sinister.

[Piett looks up at the reindeer.]

Piett: You're free now.
Blitzen: We are?! Hot shit, boys, we're free!
All of the other reindeer: WOOO!!!

[The reindeer shrug off the ropes and bells linking them to the sleigh and fly off. The sleigh falls down and crushes the couch and all the fecal matter on it.]

Herve: How did you know the reindeer could talk?
Piett: I.....didn't. [pause] Well that's just odd.
Herve: We seem to be pointing out a lot of the insigificantly odd things that we normally wouldn't notice lately.

[Pause]

Piett: Hold on a tic.

[Piett takes a sharp object out of his pocket and jabs it into his cauterized hand stump.]

[....and suddenly Piett wakes up.]

Piett: Ahh!! AHH!! AHHHHH!!!!!
Herve: Oh holy shit HOLY SHIT!!!!!

[Piett and Herve, still on the couch, conclude their screaming.]

Piett: Well, of course. It was all a dream.
Herve: What the FUCK, dude?!?
Piett: Horrible dream. Killed Santa and, um, all of Christmas....or something? ....Frosty.....Ahnald.....nope, it's all slipping. [pause] And it's gone. Yeah. Just a bad dream about some Christmasy crap. Some killing, I think. Made much more sense when I was sleeping.
Herve: Sure it did.
Piett: But I shoulda known it was a dream.
Herve: Why's that?
Piett: Well, I got my hand cut off. That's not a story development for the holiday special. And the ray gun was destroyed.
Herve: How's that anything special?
Piett: Dude, I love this thing. [grabs the ] Never leave me.
Herve: Your head is seriously fucked up.
Piett: That may be, but so is my real life. And yours.
Herve: Can't argue that shit, son.

[The 2 grab their respective drinks and clink the glasses together. They resume watching TV.]

Voice on TV: Coming up next on TNT, it's more fucking Christmas Story. And later, it's Mandrakk the Dark Monitor.
Piett: Wait, what did that guy just say??
Mandrakk the Dark Monitor: I said, "And later, it's Mandrakk the Dark Monitor." BLEH!!
Herve: NO! NOO!!!! NOT THIS AGAIN!!!
Piett: Ahh!! AHH!! AHHHHH!!!!!

*....fin*