Joe Q. Public: Take that, you disembodied narrative voice! The League of Evil Ne'er Do Wells thus lays waste to anothHUARHHHH!!!!!
[From behind, Jim Ferr hey look I got better apparently....ooh, sorry....from bhind, Jim Ferr tears through Joe Q. Public's chest with a large metallic spear. He lifts up the dying pessimistic representative of the reading audience and heaves him through the air toward the shattered remains of the panoramic window. The energy field prevents him from going through, but the spear sticks him to the shield, and after several seconds of intense exposure the body of Joe Q. Public is incincerated.]
Jim Ferr: Damn, that felt good! Easily the least pathetic thing I've done in--
Herve: Shut up and FIGHT!!!!
[Within the space station, chaos reigns. The Quantum gang, the League of Ne'er Do Wells and the allies of League of Evil Ninjas all do vicious battle. Robot zombie monkeys and apes of wrath cake themselves with the others' poo and savagely beat each other senseless. Alan Alda duels with Karl Rove. Booster Rocket flies around and blasts hapless normal yet evil folk with his energy beams. Flying nuns and cheap knock-off muppets lie dead all around. Nazis and Klansmen salute each other and commit atrocities. Jungle Girl and Nancy the Hot Witch wrestle while several men from both sides stand silently and watch.]
Kim Jong Bil: Quick, unleash our atomic weapons on them!
Alan Alda: We're nowhere near your arsenal! And you'd kill us ALL if you had them here!
Kim Jong Bil: Damn this primate brain and its inferiority!
[Alan Alda runs Karl Rove through with his saber.]
Alan Alda: Haha! I've severed your blackened heart, Karl Rove!
Karl Rove: I HAVE no heart!
Alan Alda: Oh no!! I forgot you were a Repub--
[Before he can disparage the Republican Party, Karl Rove grabs Alan Alda's head and twists it around, killing him instantly.]
Kim Jong Bil: Alan Alda!!!! [leaps onto the injured body of Karl Rove] Open wide, you bastard, because you're about to TRULY be full of shit!!!
[He extends his monkey arm down Karl Rove's mouth and gags him to death with a clump of fecal matter. But before he can extract his arm, a giant anime-looking robot aims and blasts Kim Jong Bil and Karl Rove into molecular oblivion.]
Lasertron: And so Lasertron, digital warrior of the 12th Realm has accomplished a major achievement for the League of Evil Ne'er Do......heh?
[Suddenly, several beings shimmer into sight before Lasertron. Invisible until they wish not to be, they are....ninjas!]
Lasertron: Ha! Ninjas cannot defeat me!
But I CAN!
[Suddenly the ninjas part and yield to their greater power: their master, who leaps forth and, upon landing gracefully on his feet, ignites his lightsaber.]
Kung Fu Kenobi: Your comrades have killed our holy emissary. For this, the League of Evil Ninjas decree.....I decree.....that you die.
Lasertron: But I am a robot! I have never truly lived in the first place!
Kung Fu Kenobi [grimly]: Let us test this theory.
[As Kung Fu Kenobi and Lasertron commence their fight, the body count around them from the countless other battles rises. Graham, the former minion of hell and current insane asylum inmate, grabs the gun of a fallen Cyanlon and smashes at the wall of evil doers pressing onto him, until he is lost from sight and beaten to a dead pulp. The Black Lantern, wailing away at the shrinking number of North Korean robot zombie monkeys with his most precious lantern, stops and comforts his bloodied device. When suddenly--]
Flesh...
Black Lantern: What the--?! Did....[holds the lantern before his face]....did you just speak?
[Suddenly a blackened tar spews out and engulfs the Black Lantern's face, smothering him to death. The lantern falls and retracts its gooey substance, and the Black Lantern with it, until it is just a device sitting on the ground of an incredibly chaotic battle.]
...probably not, though.
[In a corner of the room, the torture droids EV9D9 and 8D8 have set up their own "work area." They repeatedly waterboard The Human Parachute - to the point where he's most likely dead - until suddenly the behemoth Man-Mammoth knocks all of them down, breaking several of the droids' fragile limbs in the process. They end up leaning against the wall, their heads just propped up vertical, and watch as the Man-Mammoth, comforting his friend's dead body and enraged by his sadistic death, turns and prepare to stomp the life out of them. The droids eerily accept their fates with much relief.]
EV9D9: Ah, at last sweet death finally claims us.
8D8: Thank God. I was really getting sick of Walsh writing us anyway.
[As the Man-Mammoth smashs his foot down, Piett and Herve meet up elsewhere, standing back to back - or rather, back of the head to Piett's ass - as they survey the battleground.]
Piett: How many you kill?
Herve: Wait, we're keeping count?!
Piett: Yeah, I figured we could that. Like that dwarf and the ponce did in Lord of the Rings.
Herve: Oh, I musta killed......4.
Piett: Just 4?!
Herve: I wasn't really keeping count, dude.
Piett: But 4 is low enough to remember without even trying to count. I'm disappointed.
Herve: Yeah, well how many have you killed?!?!
Piett: Well, I killed Ben Franklin Jr.
[He points to the dead body of Ben Franklin's ficticious son, who is lying face down in a pool of blood and has an American flag shoved right in his ass.]
Herve: Where did you find an American flag in here??
Piett: The spirit of America is everywhere, man.
Herve: That makes no sense. And you never answered my question.
Piett: .......never mind.
Herve: So just that one and LESS than 4! HA!
Elie Wiesel: And that is where it will remain, quantum corpses!
Herve: Oh shit, it's Elie Wiesel the Nazi Hunter!
Piett: AND all the damn Nazis and Klansmen I imagined from Earth-Topanga!! You DICKS!!
Elie Wiesel: We brownshirts stick together.
Piett: Oh, do you now?!
[Piett closes his eyes, thinks and suddenly the Nazis and Klansmen are unimagined and dissipate into nothingness.]
Elie Wiesel: Gott in himmel!
Herve: And now, your death will be even simpler!
Piett and Elie Wiesel: It will?!
[Pause]
Herve: .....seriously? [to Piett] Man, I'm remembering a plot point and you're not?! How about that. [to Elie Wiesel] Well, here it goes.......DUDE!!!!
[Piett stands puzzled while Elie Wiesel laughs. But suddenly, he stops and screams, gripping his head as he moans and hollars in agony. He falls back and down to his knees, as his very face begins to distort and the size of his head expands. Suddenly...]
PAMF!!!
[Elie Wiesel's head explodes in a hideous frenzy of bone, flesh and brains.]
Verne Troyer: Oh thank GOD someone finally said that word!
Piett & Herve [caked in dead Nazi Hunter parts]: DUDE!!!!
Verne Troyer: Yeah, you said it already, once is more than enough. Man, SO glad I pulled that trick off before the Nazis burned Hitler's corpse, retrieved the brain and took us all to recuperate in Argentina.
Piett: Are we referencing the Hitler story AND They Saved Hitler's Brain right now?
Herve: We totally are.
[Suddenly a dead dinocroc commando is flung past, and the 3 rejoin the battle. Piett picks up Verne Troyer and throws him into the chaos, but sadly he is implanted right into the face of Mandrakk, the captain of the pirate TV's, and the 2 are electrocuted and die immediately.]
Piett: Ooh, sorry. All that setup for.....ouch.
[Edgar Allan Poe's evil half twin brother Paco Poe attempts to tackle Piett, but a swift reversal results in Poe's head being disconnected from his body, much to Piett's shock and eventual delight. Nearby, Jim Ferr pulls the gooey phlegm-covered heart of The Booger Man out of his chest, while his daughter Ashley (with her sisters Tracie and Brooke in a napsack on her back) kills Mel Simpson of Hollywood, Florida, and his evil wife Ruth. Elsewhere, Captain Rexxx and his bounty hunters are watching the fight from an unseen alcove.]
Bossk: Captain, what do we do?
Captain Rexxx: We're bounty hunters, my friend, not charity workers. While we have more honor and respect than most of our ilk, we're STILL loyal to our roots. And we fight.....for a price.
Cecil: How about for the highest bidder?
[Cosmos and Chronos' lackey, emerging from the shadows nearby, approaches and hands Rexxx a wad of cash.]
Captain Rexxx: Ay, this'll do nicely. Your orders, sir?
Cecil: Kill them. [pause] Kill the League of Ne'er Do Wells.
Captain Rexxx: You heard the boss, lads, kill the bunch of retards!
[The bounty hunters cry out and leap into action. Sadly, it turns out they weren't really understanding which side is which at all, and start killing people from both sides, as William James Howard the 3rd and the last of the Cyanlons fall to their savage hands. Soon, though, fragments of the 2 warring factions band together and slaughter the bounty hunter scum.]
Cecil: Well, that was a good waste of my life's saviAHK
[As Cecil turns to lurk away, he runs into a sharp dagger that pierces his stomach. His killer pulls him closer.]
Cosmos: I told you I'd keep my eye on you...
[Cosmos drags Cecil's body away and, in a flash of light, Cecil's body is no more. Meanwhile, a brutally sexy fight has ended, as Nancy the Hot Witch lies dead, her body bloodied and cloths torn asunder to reveal her appealing and supple form, while a panting and sweating Jungle Girl, her heaving busoms glistening in the shreds of light and her tattered swimsuit attire torn just enough to reveal her wet and naked...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
He stops typing.
Sean Walsh: Sorry. But I'm so lonely...
¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸¸,ø¤°`°¤ø
...so Jungle Girl has killed that other chick, and her boyfriend Booster Rocket lands to comfort her, when suddenly the Man-Mammoth runs her through with one of his tusks and flings her out of sight. Booster Rocket is enraged at the loss of his love and goes to blast the genetic freak, when suddenly the Bromancer stops him in his tracks and entrances him with his hypnotic glare. Suddenly, the 2 men are groping and kissing each other. Man-Mammoth shakes his head and walks away from the 2 newfound lovers and their....ok, no offense to gay folks, but EWWWWWW. But soon all goes black for the duo, as the oversized Lasertron falls and crushes the duo dead. Kung Fu Kenobi removes his lightsaber from the temple of Lasertron's robot head and leaps into the shadows, where his ninjas join him. The mission of Kung Fu Kenobi....is fulfilled.
[As the chaos dwindles down and the pile of dead reaches its zenith, Piett delivers a fatal blow to the last of the Apes of Wrath, then moves to the center of the room with Herve in tow.]
Piett: Gather around, folks, I think we're nearing the end of this!
[They are joined by what appears to be their only remaining comrades in arms - the Webmaster, Jim Ferr, Ashley and her sisters. As Ashley tries to speak to Piett, the creature Premartial Rex makes a lunge at them, and Ashley smashes it in the face with a brick (where she got a brick on a giant satellite suspended in space I'll never know), killing it dead in its tracks.]
Ashley: Say NO to premarital sex!
Piett [to self]: Aw...
Jim Ferr: Well done, Ashley!
Ashley: Shit, dad, this is AWESOME! I totally killed people!
Jim Ferr: Language, Ashley. Not in front of your sisters.
Herve: Wait a tic, what about Jesus?? Where's Jesus?!?!
[Herve and the others look around, and as they do an ominously shaped shadow covers them. They turn to see what it is, and.....]
Piett and all: OHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
[It is Jesus, and he is...well, you can probably guess his condition. And can probably also guess the exact visual, too.]
Piett: Not again!! NOT AGAIN!!!!!
Herve: Who did that! [points] Which one of you SONS OF BITCHES DID THAT!!!!
[Suddenly a man leaps forward.]
Lou Gehrig's Disease: And now, like your Savior, you will die a horrible and slow death too!
Herve: YOU did this?!? YOU!!!!!
Lou Gehrig's Disease: No! Oh Jesus...uh, NO! I didn't!! I'm just using the visual to help convey my desire to kill you! [pause] And I inmmediately regretting doing so as a result!
[The Webmaster conjures up a soda can and tosses it to Herve. Herve shakes it up and opens it, spraying Lou Gehrig's Disease in the face. He gags and coughs, then comes to......anf feels refreshingly better...]
Lou Gehrig: Oh....oh my lord....you cured me! By the crucified body of Jesus....[feels awkward]....LITERALLY by his body, you've cured Lou Gehrig's Disease!
[Piett promptly steps forward and punches Lou Gehrig in the throat. He collapses and struggles to breath, but fails...and dies.]
Herve: You're aware of the wonders of ginger ale too?!
Webmaster: Who the fuck isn't?!
Piett: But seriously, loyal reading audience, while ginger ale cures our ails....it doesn't nothing in real life. [shrugs] Sorry.
Herve: Guys, we have to find Cosmos and Chronos! It's time to finish this.
Webmaster: I did a scan of this whole place moments ago, and those living viruses are not on the station!
Piett: Then where could they--
HG Wells: Enough! Our forces our depleted and dead all around us! Now it's time to finish this sordid affair!
Piett: Are they really?! [he and Herve look around] Shit! They are ALL dead!
HG Wells: Super Collider, Man-Mammoth, Warlock Hemlock, Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist....to my side!
Dr. Tolliver Smith: Damn, son, look at us!
Warlock Hemlock: I know! We did, like, nothing at all and yet we're still alive!
[Likewise, Piett summons his surviving faction to his side: Herve, the Webmaster, Jim Ferr, Ashley and her 2 baby sisters.]
Dr. Tolliver Smith: One side, Master Wells, we'll handle these rapscallions!
Warlock Hemlock: Indeed! I'll use my powers of the macabre to destroy them utterly!
Dr. Tolliver Smith: And I'll look on.....MENACINGLY!
[Behind them...in fact, behind them all, in the coldness of space...the Executor II suddenly turns and faces the space station. All except Hemlock and the Abortionist take notice, as small bright multicolored lights suddenly appear and grow....much larger in size.]
Herve: Oh shit.
Piett: Hey Webmaster? [eyes widen] I think I know where Cosmos and Chronos went.
[HG Wells turns and panics silently, urging the Super Collider to activate his powers. He does, and both Wells and Man-Mammoth leaps into his body, and the Collider swallows himself up in turn. Piett smacks his belt buckle transporter and, holding hands, his group leaps into the portal created and disappear from sight.]
Warlock Hemlock: And they flee! HAHA! Our macabre menace has won the day!! [high fives Tolliver Smith] I tell ya, Doc, things are looking up for us. Soon the universe will dread the hideous threat of Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist and Warlock Hemlock!
[Suddenly those distant bright lights....or turbolaser beams.....strike the space station, and the room is ignited in a vast explosion. Both men burst into flames and stumble into their agonizing deaths.]
Warlock Hemlock: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Dr. Tolliver Smith the Abortionist: Oh God above, no living thing has ever felt so much PAINNNNNNNNN!!!!
[Within moments, the space station is overcome with more laser fire and, in a dazzling display, goes supernova, wiping out all that existed of the great war of the League of Ever Ninjas & Evil Ne'er Do Wells.]
***
[Moments later, Piett and his group emerge on the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer Executor II. They are immediately confronted by a shocked and surprised Cosmos and Chronos, standing before a giant machine. Before Piett or Herve can ask why this has happened with relative ease, they realize the grim reality: beside them sits the ravaged and burnt out console containing the electronic form of the late George Gaynes. He is dead again, it seems, the Executor II now under the control of Cosmos and Chronos: masters of space and time.]
Herve: Repsectively. [disgusted] Oh, you know what, I'm just not saying that anymore.
Cosmos and Chronos: YOU!!!!
Piett and Herve: US!!!!!
Chronos: Wells, defend us!
[Pause]
Chronos: Wells?!? WELLS!!!!
HG Wells: We...we landed in the crew pit, master! Man-Mammoth landed right on top of me!
Man-Mammoth: Stop fidgeting like that, it tickles!
Chronos: Damnation, must I do everything mys--
[But the Webmaster conjures a series of HTML code and flings them at the masters of space and time. The symbols magically explode and send the cosmic beings flying. Piett and Herve focus on the large device which seem to be the source of Cosmos and Chronos' recent attention.]
Piett: What the hell is that?!
Webmaster: Scans indicate....it's a cryogenic chamber....good grief....there's someone in there!!
Piett: But who--?
Cosmos: ENOUGH! Now you DIE!!!
Piett: Cosmos?!?
Herve: Piett, LOOK OUT!!!
[As Cosmos leaps forward, Herve himself leaps into his path. In a stunning display of acrobatics, though, Cosmos manages to stop himself and land on his feet, grab Herve mid-air, and bites down on his neck.]
Herve: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
Piett: Herve, NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
[As Cosmos, his face distorted by some dark evil, bites Herve's neck (oh, the irony), streams of energy begin to spew from Herve's wound and into Cosmo's physical form. He is literally sucking the life energies out of Piett's miniscule, and loyal, friend. A distraught Piett tries to help, but Jim Ferr and Webmaster hold him back for his own safety. Around both men, swirling bands of energy begin to form. Cosmos, who at first was thirsting and desirious of consuming the energies, is slowly becoming frightened, and begins to panic.....yet still cannot let go. Herve, the life draining from his eyes, looks back to Piett.....and smiles, one last time.]
BADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!
[A forceful explosion rocks the entire bridge. When the smoke clears, Herve is gone, completely and utterly, and Cosmos is at the feet of his friend Chronos, his face and body burnt to a crisp.]
Piett: Oh....Oh GOD NO!
Cosmos: Toomuch!!! NAGHHH, how....how could he contain so much powerrr!!
Chronos: Rest, my friend. Your sloth and avarice have overwhelmed you.
Cosmos: Morrree, Chronos....Imusthavvv.....moore.....MOORRE!!!
[Chronos rests his hand on his friend's chest, and with his other hand grabs a giant wire connector.]
Chronos: No, my friend. You've had....more than your share. Now I take mine.
[Without comment, Chronos thrusts the connector into Cosmos' heart. The cryogenic machine activates and blasts at full power, as Cosmos screams an unholy shriek of hellish death. The figure inside the chamber stirs, while Chronos looks down on his friend and his smoldering body. In a flash, Cosmos' body lies dead and lifeless, burned to a crisp right down the bone. Chronos tosses the connector away and lets the skeltal remains fall to the floor.]
Chronos: Oh Cosmos, my oldest friend........you simply never had it in you to be truly evil. Only this shoddily constructed and uneven impersonation of evil.
[Chronos steps on Cosmos' charred skull and shatters it. As Piett and the others recover on the other side of the bridge, the cryogenic chamber slowly opens and an icy cloud bellows out. Chronos' eyes turn from lifeless disdain to hope-filled delight, as he walks toward the doors and extends his hand. Another hand.....a feminine hand....extends from within the frozen device, and exits much to everyone's shock.]
Chronos: And now, those who are about to die.....welcome the new master...or rather, MISTRESS, of space.
Piett: What the...
Webmaster: Egads....
Jim Ferr: .........LUCY?!?
*to be continued!*
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