The Final Epilogue Finale

Piett: t?

[Piett looks around, and finds that he is, once again, in a dark room hooked up to tubes and wires and being kept in place against his will.]

Piett: OH SON OF A GOD DAMN ASSHOLE BITCH NO!!!

[Just as he screams, a loud alarm signals, and several lights illuminate the room he is in. As it turns out, Piett is locked inside a giant tank of pink goo, connected to tubes and wires, and as the signal goes off the tank opens up and spills its contents onto the cold yet bright white floor. Piett slides out, the tubes and wires disconnecting from his body parts one last time, and he crashes into a wall.]

[And he's wearing pants, so calm down I'm not providing anymore naked visuals.]

Piett: What the.......Lucas be damned, I cannot believe that was all fake! AGAIN!! All those deaths, all those....how.....wait a minute.....

[Piett, now back on his feet, holds his head and tries to gain his composure.]

Piett: It wasn't fake. [looks around] But how do I know that?! [pause] Oh, ok, that's--wait a minute, who just said that?!?

[Suddenly a door slides open, and a white-suited figure Piett thought he'd never see again emerges.]

Herve: DUDE!!!

Piett: Holy shit! Herve?!?

[Herve runs toward, arms extended, and Piett returns the favor with extended arms of his own. But they don't, as Herve skids to a full stop before he reaches Piett.]

Herve: Oh, maybe when you clean yourself up we can hug.

Piett: Or not.

Herve: ....you have to clean yourself up, dude, this pink junk kinda smells terrible.

Piett: I meant not hug.

Herve: Oh. [kinda dejected?] Ok.

Piett: Herv, where the hell are we?!

Herve: I think we're dead.

Piett: Yeah, ok, we're dead. [pause] Although it explains why everything's white and sleek yet bland.

Herve: I got blown up pretty fucking awful, man. Pretty sure I don't come back from that.

Piett: You REMEMBER that?!?

Herve: Of course. I remember the whole thing. And despite what you might've seen, I did NOT tear up before I died.

Piett: Sure. So.....we're dead.

Herve: Yes.

Piett: And this is....Heaven?

Herve: Or Hell.

[Pause]

Piett: Or Limbo?

Herve: With all the crazy shit we've seen, we could be anywhere.

Piett: And maybe not dead. We've seen a LOT, so until I get confirmation I'm not totally buying the dead thing just yet.

[The door slides open again.]

Herve: Well, that's pretty conclusive.

Jesus: Hey guys.

Piett and Herve: JESUS CHRIST!

Jesus: Boy, that never gets old.

Piett: Jesus, we're REALLY sorry about that whole.....you know....second death thing.

Jesus: Eh, it happens. Trust me, once these things [holds up his hands] get nailed once, you're pretty much numb to it for good after that.

Herve: But you died.

Jesus: No, I was just resting.

Piett [aside to Herve]: Did Jesus just reference a Python joke?

Herve: Yes. Greatest thing EVER.

Jesus: It was the space station blowing the crap up that killed me. And you didn't do that, so no hard feelings. Now come on, let's get going.

Piett: Going? Where?

Herve: To Heaven, dude. We're dead, remember?

Piett: Are we really dead?

Jesus: Just about. This is Limbo, so I guess you could technically be alive too.

Herve: Shit, dude, you called it!

Piett: I didn't mean to, but I guess I did. This *is* Limbo.

Jesus: So come on, let's go meet up with the others.

Piett: Others?

[Jesus, not one for patience or waiting.....which seems to fly in the face of, like, everything they taught at Sunday school about the guy.....leads the 2 out of the bright white room and into a bright white hallway. A snap of his fingers cleans Piett up and clothes him in a white suit, similar to his old Imperial admiral uniform, and they walk toward an open area, where several other figures (also wearing white - seeing the theme here?) await. To Piett's shock....he knows every single one of them, for it seems he's entered a waiting room of Quantum Piett allies and ....and even foes, as the 2 most closest to them in the room, who exclaim loudly and salute them with glasses of wine, prove.]

HG Wells and Landozzel: AYYYYY!!!!

Piett: Oh holy shit, no.

Landozzel: Welcome, old bean. Good to see you made it.

Piett: Ok, clearly I didn't "make it" in the ultimate sense of the term, as we are, apparently, dead. But you two....you were villains last I saw you. And *YOU* [points at HG Wells] were inside out!

HG Wells: Seems I got better.

Landozzel: Yes. This place restores you to some earlier version, where things aren't petty and evil.

Piett: Is it just the recent dead who are here, or...?

[Landozzel and HG Wells extend their arms toward the remaining crowd, and Piett soon sees for himself how assorted this group truly is. Nearby, Supreme Pontiff Hook converses with The Pastor, who bless Piett (then chuckle) as he walks by. Ben the Spider-Man and Tom Arnold approach and they all shake hands like old friends would. In a far corner, George Gaynes waves vociferously as he is flanked by Cecil and James Cameron. Even Tarkin, standing alone, darkly glares but nonetheless nods his greetings. The Webmaster and Dot Com, holding hands, wave politely and embrace. He and Herve acknowledge others as they walk past a confused and very irriated old (dead) woman.]

Bea Arthur: Does anyone know or CARE how long I've been here?! I died in real life months ago yet they kept me hanging around here so I could reunite with fictional characters?!? Christ...Jackson got in quicker than I did, and he had sex with young men!

Brainia: Well, to be fair, so did you.

Bea Arthur: What?! No, that's disgusting!!

Brainia: Oh, I'm sorry. Women, then?

Bea Arthur: You sick little broad, *I'm* a woman! I had sex with men!

Brainia: Shit, really?? I just thought you were a very butch gay man.

Witchgirl: You couldn't tell she was a woman? [hugs her from behind] That brain's gone all soft, babe. But I still love you.

Booster Rocket: Oh, and don't they love each other. They've just been banging the whole time we've been here.

Herve: Typical. I always miss all the hot lesbian banging.

Booster Rocket: Oh, trust me, it was a bit much.

Jungle Girl: Even for you, sweetheart?

Booster Rocket: I know. I've always been sexist, but even *I* have my limits.

Jungle Girl [turns to the other women with them]: So he's out of the big gangbang. Guess it's a 4-way with just us girls then.

Kara Power: Oh, absolutely.

Witchgirl and Brainia: Sweet!

Booster Rocket [sighs]: Me and my big mouth.

Jungle Girl: Ooh, that's right. Big mouth. Ok, girls, he's back in.

Booster Rocket: Woohoo!

Piett: Hey, wait....Madchen Amick?!

Madchen Amick: What? Do you know why I'm here? Seriously, one minute I'm alive and then I'm dead and....wherever this is.

Herve: Limbo. [to Piett] Holy crap, dude, that was your first Quantum girlfriend from like 10 years ago!

Madchen Amick: Quantum what? Someone please tell me what's happening here. I want to know if my family is ok.

Piett: You don't remember me........Ishmael? Uh, I mean Firmus?

Madchen Amick: I can honestly say I don't even remember you.

Herve: Ouch.

Madchen Amick: Oh, no insult meant. I'm just a notorious whore in my personal relationships, so I've dated and done so many people between you & I being together and right now, that I really don't even remember you. At all.

[Considerably awkward pause.]

Herve: I'm still saying "ouch" to that.

[Piett walks away quickly to avoid anymore awkwardness.]

Herve: Doesn't remember you. I guess we call that....Quantum withdrawal? [pause] Man, wish more people had that. [pause] And to be fair, I didn't remember her either. I'm impressed Walsh did.

Piett: You don't forget her, man. She did this thing......with her.......upside down.....wow.....maybe I should go--

Lucy: Hi.

Piett: Oh. Hey.

Herve: Oh my. [runs away]

Piett: So....you're here too?

Lucy: Looks like it. Figured I'd be dead along with my brother.

Piett: Your brother.....did this?

Lucy: Apparently. From what [points to Jesus, who's apparently found a friendly audience with actor William Daniels] told me, my brother is very much gone. Forever.

Piett: But....isn't he the Devil?

Lucy: Yeah. Hell's gone too. It's just one game in town now...and I guess we're all heading there now.

Piett: Everyone? [looks at a few of the nefarious folk nearby] Really?

Lucy: Yup. I guess given these...bizarre circumstances, it looks like He's gonna waive the usual rules and let us ALL in.

Piett: Wow. So.....where's that leave us?

Lucy: Well, all the evil awful stuff I felt is....gone now, it seems, and we'll probably be seeing each other a lot up there for the rest of....well ever, so......friends?

Piett: Sure. That works. [they shake hands...then immediately make out]

Lucy: Wow.

Piett: I know.

Lucy: Friends with benefits?

Piett: It's still friends.

[They make out more. Herve, from across the room, is with several other allies and friends.]

Herve: Oh my God, she's eating his face!!!

George Gaynes: No, they're kissing.

Herve: Well, that's ending nicely. Again.

Ben the Spider-Man: Yeah, because it worked so well the first time.

[Herve kicks Ben the Spider-Man in the dick.]

Webmaster: Whoa, geez, what was that for?!

Herve: That was for that crack about you having allies in heaven and then dying after you insulted us from like 20 stories ago, you bastard!!

Ben the Spider-Man: When did....[vomits]....that happen?!?

Tom Arnold: Yeah. He died wacking off to porn too much.

Herve: You can DIE from that?!

Tom Arnold: He found a way.

Herve: Oh wait, I was thinking of that other alternate universe which didn't technically happen or whatever the fuck that plot twist was. Shit, sorry 'bout that, Ben. [helps him up]

Jesus: Ok everybody, it's time to go....

[Everyone gathers together, as a sleek escalator appears out of nowhere. Bea Arthur, fed up with this foolishness, is first and walks up at quite a pace.]

Jesus: Everyone follow the angry man walking 2 steps at a time. It's time to go to Heaven.

Piett: We've been to Heaven.

Herve: Several times.

Jesus: But you were able to leave. You can't now. It's over, Johnny, it's over.

Herve: NOTHING IS OVER!!!

Piett: Jesus Christ....Jesus Christ is quoting Python *and* Rambo in the same story? I have lived long enough.

Herve: I wasn't quoting anyone.

Piett: Dude......let it go.

[The crowd of characters start filing up the escalator. The first few walk, disappearing into the bright light above, while others are lazy and just stand there pissing off those stuck behind them who can't get around.]

Herve: So this is it, man. We're clearly dead.

Piett: Yeah....I guess we are.

Herve: Any regrets?

Piett [holding Lucy's hand]: No, not really.

Herve: Alright then. Let's go.

[As HG Wells and Landozzel turn back and wave as they walk up the stairs into the great unknown, Jesus walks Piett, Lucy and Herve onto the escalator.]

Herve: Heh. It's an actual stairway to heaven. That just hit me now.

Lucy: Wow, you are as slow and dumb as ever. [hugs him] Never change.

[They ascend toward the light. Piett looks down over the edge of the moving stairs, into a dark abyss.]

Piett: What's that down there?

Jesus: Oblivion. Or not. Don't really know, it's a great vast unknown and I prefer it stay that way.

[Piett nods, then looks back down into the darkness, then to Herve, then to Lucy. Finally, he sighs.]

Piett: ...........I have to do this, don't I?

Lucy: Do what?

[Without explanation, Piett kisses Lucy's cheek and leaps off the escalator, into the void below.]

Lucy: WHAT?!?!

Herve: OH MY GOD!!!!

Jesus: ME!!!!!!

Lucy: That asshole just jumped! [pause] He could've had ME for eternity, yet he chose jumping into a dark void!!

Herve: Shit, dude, seriously?! Where's that go?!

Jesus: I.....I just said I don't know!!

[Pause]

Herve: Oh fuck this!!!

[Herve climbs up and jumps down into the void as well.]

Jesus: AAHHHH!!!

Lucy: They BOTH JUMPED?!?!?! To their deaths?!?

Jesus: I.......I have no idea what just happened!! [pause] And it feels awesome! Oh man, thousands of years and nothing has amazed me more than those 2 doing that!

Lucy: What.....how......well, screw those 2, I'm going up to Heaven.

Jesus: Cool.

Lucy: You're not leaping behind after them? Some sorta neverending cosmic chase to get them back?

Jesus: Shit no. I have no idea where they went. And all my stuff is in Heaven. [pause] You know, I've never had a hot redhead over to my apartment before.

Lucy: Are you serious. The Son of God is hitting on me?

[Jesus nods, and Lucy smirks.]

Lucy: My brother would absolutely adore this if he was here right now.

Jesus: And your brother is....?

Lucy: Seriously.

[Pause]

Lucy: ......James Gandolfini. My brother is the guy who played Tony Soprano.

Jesus: Uh, ok. And why would he care in particular about this?

Lucy: Oh Jesus....[takes him by the arm]....the fun we are gonna have...

[And as they ascend, the light overwhelms them and they are gone. The players have entered the light....and entered the darkness. The tale has comes to its conclusion, whether it will continue or not is unknown. But lo, there even comes a time when the adventures of Quantum Piett.........
















Piett: Huh. This really is a void. [pause] Well, I have fucked up here somethin' awful.


Herve: aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!












*fin*

-Sean Walsh, 11/25/09