Piett and Herve meet Hitler

On April 30, 1945, amidst defeat at the hands of the Allied Forces and beneath the iron boot of the approaching Soviet army, German dictator and Nazi Fuhrer Adolf Hitler committed suicide in a hidden bunker beneath the city of Berlin.

When last seen by the eyes of man, he had entered a secluded room with his wife, Eva Braun. 20 minutes later, 2 shots were heard, and when the door was unsealed by his Nazi henchmen, Hitler and Braun were dead by their own hands.

No one has ever known the events that transpired in that room for those 20 minutes.

But this is what really happened.

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[translated from German]

Eva Braun: So.......I'm "going down" on you.

Adolf Hitler: Yes. I've heard Goebbels and Goring go on about it, but never experienced it before. Might as well try it now.

[Suddenly a flash of light overtakes the room, and both Hitler and Eva Braun are startled.]

Hitler: What the hell?!

Herve: Hiya HitLAAAAAHHHH!!!AAAAAHHHH!!!AAAAAHHHH!!!

Piett: Oh God, I just saw Hitler's junk, didn't I? DIDN'T I?!?

Hitler: Goebbels! Borrman! Get in here!! Help me!!

Piett: Don't bother screaming, Hitler. They can't hear you. We've slowed time to a crawl. All they may here over the course of the next few minutes is a very slow moan....which oddly enough is probably the sound you'd make when you're getting...[starts to gag, tries to puke, holds it on and coughs instead]

Eva Braun: So am I still doing this, Addy?

Piett, Herve and Hitler: NO YOU'RE NOT STILL DOING THIS!!!

Hitler: Who are you?!

Piett: We're time travellers.

Hitler: Really? Do I make it out of this somehow?

Piett: Oh....oh gosh, you SO don't...

Hitler: Rats.

Eva Braun: Seriously, Addy. You really got me hyped up for this since the wedding. I wanna do it. And if not on you, at least on one of them.

Piett: Can we do something about her? I don't really think she needs to be part of this.

Hitler: Oh, sure.

[Hitler takes his gun, aims and shoots Eva Braun in the head.]

Herve: Whoa! Well that was heartless. She was your wife AND willing to give free beejays. How could you?

Hitler: I'm fucking Hitler, what'd you expect? Besides, this [holds up the still smoking gun] was the point of coming in here in the first place.

Piett: Dude, please, we--

[Suddenly Adolf Hitler......powers down like a robot. There is silence for a few moments.]

Piett: What did I do?

Herve: You said it, man. You said the password.

Piett: I can't believe that's the password. So random yet simple.

Herve: Hey, Gaynes said that NO ONE ever called Hitler "dude," so it would've never come up and cause any problems in the first place.

[As they speak, Hitler begins to twitch and a sound of gears turning becomes slightly louder. Piett and Herve step back as Hitler's body suddenly splits in half at the waist. The torso and head tilt back while the legs still stand firm on the ground. Piett and Herve are somewhat surprised, but also of the demeanor that they saw this coming.]

Piett: How about that? Gaynes was right.

Herve: Yeah, it's.....YOU.

Verne Troyer: You couldn't have picked a worse time to make me do this, man.

[Indeed, within the body of Adolf Hitler sits midget actor Verne Troyer. He stands up from his pilot's seat situated within Hitler's waist and stretches himself out.]

Piett: Come on. Of all the moments in Hitler's life, these 20 minutes are the only point where we had total and complete access to him.

Verne Troyer: So Gaynes let me know you were coming. I knew ever since this whole project began you'd be here. Frackin' time travel. Good thing you did, too, this body's been breaking down and getting all twitchy for a few years now, with no good way of fixin' it.

Piett: Project?

Verne Troyer: Yeah. No formal name, just a bunch of letters and numbers. THX....something....38? But Gaynesy had us masquerade as the major Axis leaders for most of this war because he thought it'd be fun.

Herve: And you just did things the same? Including The Holocaust?!

Verne Troyer: Um, yeah. He's evil, remember?

Herve: Oh yeah, keep forgetting that.

Piett: So George Gaynes, who's evil to everyone but us and you, orchestrates World War 2 to be conducted by midget actors in the bodies of Hitler and his comrades?

Verne Troyer: Yup. He says he'd actually do less damage to the world than the real guys, but we fucked some stuff up, son. It was myself, Kenny Baker as Tojo as Billy Barty as Mussolini. Things did not end well for Billy, though.

Herve: This is still the same George Gaynes, right?

Piett: Dude, Gaynes probably did a lot of crazy shit before he pulled us out of the Blogmaster's lair.

Herve: Time travel pisses me off. Not to mention I'm kinda offended that no one asked ME to do this. Although sitting in his torso seems a bit weird.

Verne Troyer: Eh. I could do anything in here. Gaynes' tech allows me to shrink down and sit in the guy's brain, if I wanted. But considering how he's gonna go.....this seems a lot safer. So when are we heading back?

Piett: We?

Verne Troyer: Yeah. Gaynesy said I'd put ol' Adolf on auto-pilot in here and you'd bring me back to base.

[Pause]

Piett: We have a confession to make.

Verne Troyer: What's that?

Piett: We're not here to bring you back.

Herve: Yeah. We just wanted to see this for ourselves. But you killed Jews, man. Fuck off.

[The bright flash of light reappears and envelopes the room. Verne Troyer closes his eyes, and when he reopens them Piett and Herve are gone, and he is back in real time.]

Verne Troyer: Oh, you bastards! Now I have to go through this myself! [looks around the room] Dammit. Well......maybe I won't take the cyanide pill. Just shoot myself. [pause] In the head, not where I'm sitting. [pause] And then when they go to burn me, I'll just jump out and make a run for it. [pause] Fuckers. Now I gotta make a scene to get out of this.

[He sits back down, and Hitler's body readjusts itself. Upon regaining his senses, Hitler sees his dead wife and goes on with the plan...]

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When the 2 gunshots were heard, the Nazi minions opened the doors and tended to the bodies.

His bodyguard encased Hitler's body in a bag and, as troopers took Eva Braun, they brought the corpse of Adolf Hitler to the surface. Despite the constant bombardment from the nearing Soviet forces, Hitler's last commands were being obeyed. His body, and Eva's, was to be placed in an open grave and burned completely beyond recognition. The Nazi officials stand at the bunker door and salute, as the soldiers douse the bodies with gasoline and prepare to light them ablaze.

Verner Troyer: Oh man, my head. That bullet shook the whole body and knocked me for a loo....hey.....hey wait a minute.........THEY NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT A BODYBAG!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

*fin*