How to Survive a Black Hole, by George Gaynes

FLASH FORWARD!

See, because the last story started with FLASHBACK! so now we're returning to whatever time period we're in these days....

So some time after the destruction of the Executor II and the rowdy funeral of George Gaynes, Piett and Herve find themselves, indeed, back on the bridge of the Executor II speaking to the very sentient George Gaynes. After much puking of amazement at the circumstances surrounding it, Piett and Herve have recomposed themselves and are up for discussion.

Piett: George Gaynes?! But you're dead!

Herve: As is this ship, supposedly! .....shit, are WE dead?!?

George Gaynes: Oh Herve, you're not dead. And neither am I. Kinda.

Herve: Explanation, this requires one.

George Gaynes: When I fell through the black hole in this ship, I not only survived but first off I won that dare.

Piett: Shit. How much do I owe you then? [takes out his wallet and a wad of space cash]

George Gaynes: Well it's pretty pointless now as I'm in.....no shape to ever spend money again. Just know that I was right about something for once.

Piett [to himself]: ...so *I* won... [pockets his money]

Herve: So you're....dead? Not dead? Being very unclear here.

George Gaynes: I'm not dead. I'm more alive than ever, really. See.....I became one with the ship.

Herve: You had sex with it?

George Gaynes: In a manner of speaking, I suppose.

[Herve wants to vomit....but it seems he's all out...]

George Gaynes: As we fell through that black hole in space, natural science and logic seemed to completely vanish. I managed to achieve a cosmic nirvana. I saw and knew everything in that one moment of time. I think possessing all that knowledge led to the fusion, as my brain was combined with the ship's central core and processors so that I could still retain this knowledge.

Piett: So how did you manage to take on the physical attributes of a woman you'd never even met yet who knew us? [pause] Oh god, you weren't that girl all along, were you??

George Gaynes: No, she's out there somewhere. I just took her image and used it. I saw everything about you life, Firmus. Herve's too. Hell, everybody's everywhere and everywhen.

Herve: So you know everything?

George Gaynes: Yes.

Herve: The cure for cancer?

George Gaynes: Ginger ale...

Piett: It CAN do everything!

George Gaynes: ...but only when excreted from a unicorn's anus.

Piett: DAMMIT, so close!

Herve: The meaning of life?

George Gaynes: There is none, it's all pointless!

Herve: Kinky.

Piett: The name of Punky Brewster's dog?

George Gaynes: Brandon!

Piett: Ha.

Herve: Are you all of a sudden evil now?

George Gaynes: Yes!

Piett and Herve: AHHHH!!!!

George Gaynes: Oh, but not towards you! I've always liked you guys.

Piett: Oh good. We like you too.

George Gaynes: Nice job with the funeral, by the way.

Piett: Ooh, yeah. Sorry about that. And sorry about your mom.

George Gaynes: Eh, it happens. You know Supreme Pontiff Hook was gonna kill all of you, right?

Piett: Really??

George Gaynes: Yeah. He had a whole big huge raise-the-dead scheme plan devised. I'm talking, real intricate and everything.

Herve: Boy, sounds like that would be quite the blackest of nights...

George Gaynes: But when your fracas ruined everything, he just left, went back to the Vatican or wherever, and ended up asphyxiated himself to death in his closet.

Piett: Holy SHIT!!

Herve: Just like David Carradine.

George Gaynes: Well, except for the fact that he had a giant metal hook for a hand. I don't think he factored in that part, and may've lived if he didn't have it. I tell ya, what a mess. [flickers, which is what a hologram does when he shuddering it seems]

Piett: Ok, so now that we know your newfound origins...

Herve: And the gruesome fate of a random villain we never thought we'd bring back again...

Piett: ....what's the deal with finding and rescuing us?

George Gaynes: Well, like I said...we're friends. And if there's ever a time you need one, it's now.

Piett: Why's that?

George Gaynes: My friends......Cosmos and Chronos are bad guys now.

[Herve and Piett laugh. They laugh very hard. They achieve a new kind of joy from laughing this much. If joy was like palentology and new discoveries were named after their discoverers, then this new kind of joy would be named after them in Latin. Piettehervyousni, perhaps, or something like that. Yeah. So after experiencing much Piettehervyousni, Piett and Herve calm down.]

Piett: What were we laughing about again?

Herve: I think he was saying Cosmos and...[snicker]...Chronos were e....[snickers again]....evil...

[They laugh--]

George Gaynes: STOP IT!

[They stop.]

George Gaynes: They ARE evil! I've seen the beginning and end of time simultaneously. I saw them become evil, spread their evil, and everything they plan to do. Trust me, they are very evil.

Herve: So how can you prove they're evil.

George Gaynes: With this narrative cutaway.

Piett: Wait, we're doing cutaways now? Oh Jesus, we're just like Family Guy. Mercy kill us, Walsh, PLEASE!!

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FLASHBACK!

Amidst a night of wacky passion, Cosmos and Chronosia - Chronos' sister you'll remember - are going at it something fierce.

But things get.....a little too rough.

You know how these things go...

...you don't? Uh...well....someone got choked to death. There.

And it wasn't Cosmos.

But as her life expired at the hands of a compassionate yet passion-driven man, the very being of Chronosia and her proximity to him....shuttered.

Like a cosmic orgasm.

And curse Cosmos......he liked it.

So did Chronos, who was sitting on the other side of the room watching them.

.....he's a pervert. You know this already.

And he liked it too, dammit all.

So they............they needed more........

But they weren't going gay and doing it to each other. That's just right out.

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Herve: I.........wish I hadn't seen any of that.

Piett: I wish I was dead.

George Gaynes: And I wish my penis had been a foot long. But there we are. They're evil and I experienced shrinkage all my natural life.

Piett: So killing Chronosia.....accidentally.....caused them great pleasure?

George Gaynes: Indeed. The violent release of her connection to the flow of time itself overwhelmed Cosmos, and it greatly empowered Chronos as well. Some would say, especially for Chronos, that their very sense of right and wrong were corrupted completely.

Herve: And that's saying a lot, because Chronos was terrible to start off with!

George Gaynes: After the encounter, they lived off the energy for some time. And upon its depletion, they craved more. So they began to reach out and find other sources of energy and power. The great kingdom of Natori-Vilal, for example, was utterly ravaged.

Herve: They asphyxiated Natori-Vilal?

George Gaynes: I suppose you could say that.

Piett: Wow, what is up with all this asphyxiation? Are we even spelling the word right, I wonder...?

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He stops and checks the dictionary.

Sean Walsh: Huzzah! I got it right!

He resumes writing.

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Herve: So basically, the more Cosmos and Chronos jack off, the worse the multiverse gets?

George Gaynes: In an over simplistic way, yes that's exactly what I'm saying. [facepalms] But seriously, this is a disturbing trend and it's affecting to very ebb and flow of the multiverses in dangerous ways. Because of their...indulgences, their control over space and time is being distorted, and their energy absorption are changing how everything exists. Glitches in time, whole parts of space being voided and folding in on itself. Whole universes have ceased to exist, and others have been merged into bizarre amalgams.

Piett: .....like it's being....[eyes widen]....rewritten.

George Gaynes: Indeed. Your encounter with the Miracle Machine was no glitch created by your hands. It was all part of these spasms in existance.

Herve: So we DIDN'T rewrite reality after all! [punchs Piett in the hip] I TOLD YOU it wasn't my fault!

George Gaynes: Your connection to the Continuum kept you relatively protected from the vast perils that have affected the rest of the multiverses, thus you've been able to notice the changing faults more clearly than almost everyone else.

Piett: We need to talk to Cosmos and Chronos. If not to get their side of things, at least hopefully to talk them out of it and calm things down.

George Gaynes: I fear it may be too late for that, but we can certainly give it a shot.

[The ship begins to move.]

Herve: Are we going into hyperspace?

George Gaynes: No need. We're just going to fly into the Continuum.

Piett: But that's impossible. Only a portal or an extremely super-hyperspace jump can do that.

[But as the ship moves, the stars before them begin to fade away, and a cloudy yet colorful hue begins to come into sight. Piett and Herve are amazed, for they are seeing something they've never encountered: a purely natural passage into the Space/Time Continuum, as the Executor II - thanks to its exposure and survival of the black hole, most likely - miraculously breaches into it and literally soars from one part of the cosmos into the other.]

Piett: Remarkable.

Herve: Redonkulous.

George Gaynes: Mahoney.....what a sight.

Herve: Look, there's the palace.

Piett: Home sweet home.

George Gaynes: Powering all turbolaser cannons, raising shields, and preparing ship for bombardment procedures.

Piett and Herve: WHA WHAT WHA?!?

George Gaynes: Well, they're evil, gentlemen. So we have to destroy their homebase.

Herve: You said we'd talk to them!!

George Gaynes: Remember what I said earlier? I'm evil. So....I lied.

Piett and Herve: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

George Gaynes: Don't worry, though, I've already beamed all your stuff here to the ship.

[Pause]

Herve: Oh. Well, alright then. As long as our stuff doesn't get blown up when you destroy the place where we store our stuff.

Piett: Fire!!!

[Pause]

Piett: Can I still yell that and have the ship fire? I miss that.

George Gaynes: Sure.

Piett: Okay. FIRE!!!

[With that, the Executor II opens fire with a mighty array of firepower. On the planetoid surface below, the palace is blasted asunder and erupts in a series of amazing explosions. In their heads, glimpses of the great building flash to Herve and Piett. The marvelous marble floors. Their individual dwelling areas. The very nice columns. The basement room / laboratory / porn lair. The main entertainment area. Memories of the great video wall. In a flash, they return to reality as the mansion goes supernova. Its debris spread throughout the Continuum, as even the very planetoid it once sat on is even torn apart by the force of the explosion.]

Herve: Wow, that was easy. Surprised no one ever thought to just fire at the palace a lot and blow it up.

George Gaynes: Hrm. It is as I feared. They've abandoned this place.

Piett: Abandoned? But this was their home.

George Gaynes: In real estate only. Their powers have abandoned this place, which explains the ease of its destruction.

Herve: Oh God, Piett! I just remembered.....the porn!! Lordy loo, all those mountainous piles of porn!!! Gone forever...

George Gaynes: In the microseconds it took to identity and transport everything of value in the mansion, there was not a single bit of porn anywhere.

[Pause]

Herve: .....THEY ARE EVIL!!!

Piett: What??

Herve: Of course! Geez, it all makes sense now!

Piett: Now that you've learned they got all that porn out ahead of time?

Herve: Yes! Don't you see, Chronos is....he's a paragon of perversion! There's no way he'd abandon the mansion without taking all that masturbatory material with him! And remember what Gaynes said....there was NO porn at all. Which means....

George Gaynes: Correct. Not a bit.

Herve: .....HE TOOK ALL MY PORN TOO!!!!

Piett: Whoa. [pause] They ARE evil!! Oh man, he's totally beyond redeemable now!

Herve: No hope of talking them back from the brink now.

Piett: Wait, so we know Chronos is evil because he's an awful porn poacher. What about Cosmos?

Herve: He's always been the brains. Chronos couldn't have gotten this far without him.

George Gaynes: We have to find them. Their new base of operations must be found, or all is lost.

Piett: Wait.......just how bad is this newfound perversion of theirs?

George Gaynes: I should come clean.

Herve: Eww?

George Gaynes: The multiverse is, because of Cosmos and Chronos'....diddling, on terminal shutdown. It could be a thousand years, ten thousand years, ten thousand millennia, or maybe even 12 minutes from now. But the multiverse is....dying, and I think they know this and are trying to feed on it as much as possible before it all goes away.

Piett: So we'll be experiencing more changes I take it?

George Gaynes: Perhaps, but I think more than likely whole parts of existance will just be....erased as the multiverse dies, rather than changed. See, time can only be altered so much before everything collapses at once and takes space with it. So time must remain moreorless intact, else space dies quicker. But existance can survive longer if it's space that is "eaten up" and absorbed. Time can go on within nothingness....but space cannot.

Herve: That sounds so incredibly stupid and nonsensical. [pause] And yet maybe, it's the most brilliant thing ever said.

Piett: If you're right, Gaynes, that means....Cosmos is going to die while Chronos survives!

Herve: Whoa. So maybe Cosmos isn't the brains of this scheme. Maybe......Chronos is?!? [faints]

George Gaynes: He....fainted.

Piett: Like a little girl.

[Piett rubs his hands together.]

Piett: Mwahahaha.

George Gaynes: Come on, let's focus on where we need to go next to find Cosmos and Chronos....


...Epilogue...

[In their space station headquarters, seemingly orbitting the planet Earth (come on dudes, you haven't checked Earth yet???), Cosmos and Chronos have been hard at work. While Chronos buries himself in a laboratory, Cosmos surveys the multiverses from the panoramic window, now covered with numerous digital images.....for information as well as newfound power sources for them to consume. Suddenly, a shock overcomes him. An unpleasant shock. He quickly tunes his digital images onto one place: the Space/Time Continnum, and gasps as he sees his former lair destroyed and littered with debris and at the sight of the Executor II fading away in the distance. He gets up and runs to the lab, where Chronos is buried under and hard at work with a new device which will assurely be used to do great damage and kill or something.]

Cosmos: Have you felt it? They moved into the Continuum and destroyed the palace!

Chronos: They?

Cosmos: The Executor II! It has to be Herve and Piett. They're onto our plans!

Chronos: Yes, I felt that. Though it's purely speculation that it was our 2 erstwhile colleagues. And didn't the Executor II get swallowed up by a black hole?

Cosmos: It got better, apparently. What are we going to do??

Chronos: Once are devices are activated, we won't need to do much. Just lure them here, as their curiosity will inevitably do, and let the machines take over.

Cosmos: This whole situation is getting grimmer day by day, Chronos.

Chronos: I've told you, Cosmos, that's the multiverse revolting against our power more and more. What we're doing is necessary for its survival and ours. Thank the gods you managed to find out how to take control by killing my sister.

Cosmos: So me killing was a good thing?? You're losing your perspective, Chronos. I'm going to return to the councilroom and keep watching. And we'll need to talk to the new recruits later, they're stopping by with the senior staff. [leaves]

Chronos [to himself]: Fool. My plans are going perfectly, and he's caving and crashing exactly like I knew he would. He wanders ever so closer to his end without even knowing it......[stands up and rubs the machine].....and soon, my sweet, you will take his place....

*to be continued...*