The Executor (Two) of his Will

FLASHBACK!

It is the year..............well, it doesn't matter, because these stories are timeless.

That doesn't mean they're good or legendary. They're usually average and sometimes suck very much. But they all tend to take place at various points here and there, in whatever timelines they feel like, since space and time are so fluid and several of the main characters are able to control their ebb and flow with great ease.

ANYWAY!

Some time ago, before the events of the Final Quantum Crisis, came the accidental death of George Gaynes - elderly actor of stage and screen, supporting character, fictional adoptive father and police academy commandant. Lost in a very foolish disaster created by a very foolish dare, he and the very foolish Super Star Destroyer Executor II were sucked into a cosmically unkind and uncaring black hole.

Some days later, in the Space/Time Continuum, a great collection of characters gather to pay their respects at his funeral. Within the mighty fine and wonderful palace of Cosmos and Chronos - masters of the Space/Time Continuum (respectively) - they sit in relative silence before a symbolic casket, as his remains are lost to the cosmos.

Seated together are Piett and his wife Lucy Ferr, Herve, Cosmos, Chronos, Chronosia, Landozzel, HG Wells, Booster Rocket, Jungle Girl, Ben the Spider-Man, Cecil, Soleil Moon Frye, Steve Guttenberg, George Gaynes' mother and for some reason the 2004 World Series champion Boston Red Sox.

Herve: Hey Piett.

Piett: Oh no, the verbal jibes are gonna start already?

Herve: How is George Gaynes' mother here?

Piett: She's, like, really old, ok? That's it. Just stop now before I punch you.

Herve: Geez, just asking a question.

Piett [whisper-yelling]: No, Herve, no. You might start off with a question, but then you make some wise crack and we go back and forth with our "humorous" diatribes and it gets all silly and foolish and the reader starts to bail because they have better things to do than watch fictional characters ramble on and on about nonsense and--

Lucy: Honey? You're doing it.

Piett: Doing what?

Lucy: Going into the verbal back-and-forth diatribes. Right now. It's kinda

Supreme Pontiff Hook: SILENCE!

[Pause]

Supreme Pontiff Hook: Sorry, force of habit. [returns to his preachings and readings]

Lucy: Why's he saying the mass again?

Piett: It's a mass. Even though he's a villain and hates us, he's still a priest with certain responsibilities he can't deny anyone. Plus he works at a shockingly cheap rate.

Lucy: Even though he's a supreme pontiff?

Piett: Hey, the church takes money any way they can get it.

Herve: I dunno. I'm calling shenanigans on all this already.

Piett: He wouldn't disrupt a funeral mass just to try and kill us.

Landozzel: Hey Wells.

HG Wells: Oh lord, are we going to have our own silly back and forth diatribe now too?

Landozzel: Wells. How old is that chick? [points over to George Gaynes' mother]

HG Wells: I don't know. Just ask her.

Landozzel [peers over at her]: I think she's dead.

HG Wells: She just walked in here a little while ago. Did that whole sweet kissing the casket thing, and then walks back here and DIES? I don't think so.

[Landozzel moves toward the old woman to inspect her vital signs. But the moment he touches her, she keels over....very much dead indeed.]

Landozzel: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!

HG Wells [jumps up]: HOLY SHIT, LANDOZZEL, YOU FUCKING KILLED GEORGE GAYNES' MOTHER!!!!

Supreme Pontiff Hook: Oh snap.

Piett and Herve [stand up, although with Herve you can't really tell because he is short]: WHAT?!?

[The formerly silent ceremony is now very boisterous and loud, as people are shrieking and yelling.]

Landozzel: I did not kill her!!

Piett: You did! You did kill her! I so KNEW you being here was more than just "paying your respects!"

Herve: Shenanigans!! SHENANIGANS!!!!

Piett: You don't kill someone at a funeral....especially the mother of the person who's DEAD!!

Landozzel: But I didn't kill her!!

HG Wells: Even if you didn't, there's no convincing these retards otherwise.

Ben the Spider-Man: Hey! I'm just sitting here, doing nothing to anyone! I don't need your goddamn insults!

HG Wells: We weren't talking about you, retard!

Ben the Spider-Man: THE FUCK!!!

Herve: Instigation of shenanigans means death! Punishment of DEATH!!!

Cosmos [pinching the bridge of his nose]: At a funeral, people? [sees Chronos getting up to join in on the ruckus, puts his head between his legs and sighs as Chronosia comforts him]

Chronos: Crucify them!!!

Booster Rocket [aside to his girlfriend]: Why are we even here?

Jungle Girl: Just putting in a cameo, sweetie. Just ignore them.

Landozzel: Stop shouting at me!! I did nothing wrong!!

Ben the Spider-Man: Killer!!

Chronos: Murderer!!

Herve: OOOOOOOOOOOOJAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Landozzel: Fine! You want to see me murder someone?!

[He pulls out a laser gun, aims and fires right at Steve Guttenberg.]

Steve Guttenberg: AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!! [dies]

Soleil Moon Frye: Oh my God!!

Piett: He killed American icon Steve Guttenberg!!!

Herve: Forgot the old bitch, he killed Mahoney!

Piett, Herve, Ben, Chronos: MAHONEY!!!!!

Herve: We'll get you....and KILL YOU!!!

Landozzel: And now we're their foes again!

HG Wells: Deep down, they were always mine!

Landozzel: Time to hide someplace where they can never find us! RUN!!!

[Landozzel and HG Wells run away, as the quartet of the offended chase after them. The remaining mourners are now just horribly embarassed. Booster Rocket and Jungle Girl get up, wave their goodbyes and take off before more insanity befalls this ordeal. Supreme Pontiff Hook resumes his sermon, but then stops, shakes his head and collects his Bible and walks down from the podium.]

Supreme Pontiff Hook [to Lucy]: You know, I was actually planning to raise the dead and kill you all here today, but I think what's happened here already is more than enough punishment. Tell Piett to Paypal me the funeral fees and I'll never bother you folks again. Ta.

[As the dejected pontiff leaves through a back door, Piett and the others re-enter the palace and the shambles of the service. Cosmos just gets up and leaves, followed by Chronosia, and Cecil begins to clean up the mess, starting with sweeping up the late George Gaynes' late mother. Lucy stands with arms crossed at the front.]

Piett: I'm in trouble, aren't I?

Lucy: Oh yes. A long talk.

Piett: Ugh...

Lucy: Perhaps a beating, and not a sexy one

Piett: UGH...

Lucy: .....and then maybe makeup sex later, I still haven't decided.

Piett: .....can Punky Brewster watch?

[Pause]

Lucy: Oh, well now we ARE having makeup sex.

Soleil Moon Frye: What the hell?!

[Piett grabs his wife's hand, who then grabs Punky Brewster's hand, and they quickly depart to their dwelling area.]

Herve: So........pizza and beer, then?

Ben the Spider-Man: I can do that.

Chronos: I call stuffed crust from Pizza Hut!

[Ben the Spider-Man departs to the entertainment area, but Herve halts Chronos for a moment and looks at the 2004 World Series champion Boston Red Sox team standing around nearby.]

Herve: And why were they here again?

Chronos: To remind everyone how awesome the Red Sox are.

Herve: Hells yeah. Now come, my friends, let us feast on stuffed crust pizzas and you can regale us with the tale on how you beat the FUCK out of the New York Yankees.

2004 World Series champion Boston Red Sox: HOORAY!

*to be continued...*