Quantum Piett Revisits the Hall of Presidents

[Magic Kingdom, Disney World. Orlando, Florida. The Hall of Presidents attraction in Liberty Square. July 24, 2011.]

Morgan Freeman: And as our journeys continue...
Herve: This is the only way to get him into these stories, isn't it?
Piett: Not really. In this story, he's been redubbed by Tom Arnold.
Herve: Aw...

Tom Arnold: And as our journeys continue, what once seemed revolutionary now seems profoundly simple. That we should choose our own leaders, that our hopes should be their hopes, our fears their fears, our dreams their dreams. Ladies and gentlemen, the Presidents of the United States.

[The crowd applauds.]

Herve: God, shut up nerds. It's just a ride about presidents.

"George Washington..."

Piett: Father of America , huh? YOUR SEED HAS DISAPPOINTED YOU GREATLY!!

"John Adams..."

Herve: 1776 The Musical was a lie. He looks *nothing* like William Daniels...

"Thomas Jefferson..."

Piett: Blacks can't carry the mail, but they can have your children?! HYPOCRITE!

"James Madison..."

Herve: Framer of the Constitution?! He had nothing to do with framing it! He wrote it! Stop taking credit from people who choose to frame their copies of the Constitution!

"James Monroe..."

[Piett throws a tomahawk at him. It misses, but the point is made.]
Piett: The Seminoles may've forgotten you, but I HAVEN'T!

"John Quincy Adams..."

Herve: We can't destroy him. God beat us to it by giving him a fatal cerebral hemorrhage after he denounced honoring Mexican-American War veterans.

"Andrew Jackson..."

Piett: If I had another tomahawk, I'd--
Herve: No.....no. Even his animatronic figure would kick your ass.
Piett: True...

"Martin Van Buren..."

Herve: Megh.
Piett: No, it's "Mergh."

"William Henry Harrison..."

Herve: How's that cough, WH?

"John Tyler..."

Piett & Herve [bow]: Your Accidency.

"James K. Polk..."

Piett: The rivers and harbors of America will never forgive you, sir!
[Herve pokes Piett in the side.]
Piett: Not that kind of poke!

"Zachary Taylor..."

Herve: Ol' Rough and Ready wasn't so rough and ready when he dropped dead.
Piett: Maybe he was.

"Millard Fillmore..."

Piett: Compromise of 1850!

"Franklin Pierce..."

Herve: Lowly yet adequate college in the middle of nowhere, New Hampshire!

"James Buchanan..."

Piett: Dred Scott, Bleeding Kansas, Panic of 1857, Covode Committee, Fort Sumter.....which one should I go with?
Herve: How about "shitdick president."
Piett: Fair enough. SHITDICK!!

"Abraham Lincoln..."

Piett & Herve: You freed the WHO?!?!

"Andrew Johnson..."

Herve: Never forget Seward's Folly! This man gave us Sarah Palin!!
[Piett inexplicably finds another tomahawk and throws it.]

"Ulysses S. Grant..."

Piett: He looks drunk.
Herve: No truth to that. What he looks is destitute.

"Rutherford B. Hayes..."

Herve: He robbed America of the Stephen J. Tilden experience! ROBBED!

"James Garfield..."

Piett: Shot to death because he was not a cat. Lame, but understandable.

"Chester A. Arthur..."

Herve: Polygamy hater!

"Grover Cleveland..."

Piett: You're not a Muppet! [stands up] YOU'RE NOT A MUPPET AT ALL!!!
[Herve pulls him back down to his seat]

"Benjamin Harrison..."

Herve: When your biggest crisis was regarding fishing and sealing rights against Canadians, you know you're not a man. Not a man at all.

"William McKinley..."

Piett: The man who gave us Guam.
Herve: Was that an insult?
Piett: We'll see...

"Theodore Roosevelt ..."

Herve: Um...Boy Scout lover!
Piett: Bully! He got shot and made a joke about it minutes later! That's a man!!

William Howard Taft..."

Piett: Ballinger Affair!

"Woodrow Wilson..."

Herve: I raise you a Ballinger Affair with World War Fucking One!
Piett: Ooh, you win.

"Warren G. Harding..."

Piett: Teapot Dome Scandal!

"Calvin Coolidge..."

Herve: Flood lover!

"Herbert Hoover..."

Piett: You fight a great depression by naming a dam after yourself?! Bah!

"Franklin D. Roosevelt..."

Herve: You can't walk?! BAH!

"Harry S. Truman..."

Piett: The buck stops where?
Herve: Get outta the kitchen!
Person sitting nearby: Will you shut up?
Herve: Finally.
[Herve leaps at him and quickly gnaws his neck to death.]

"Dwight D. Eisenhower..."

Piett: I didn't like Ike.
Herve: That mission to Mars in 2324?
Piett: Yeah. He was a real prick. So glad he was killed by John Carter.
Herve: The ER doctor, folks. Not the Warlord of Mars. Man, I can't wait 'til Walsh tells THAT story.

"John F. Kennedy..."

Herve: Ow, my, er, ah, brains!

"Lyndon B. Johnson..."

Piett: His last 2 initials were BJ. Huh huh.
Herve: And he worsened Vietnam. Not losing sight of the gimmick, kids. Don't worry.

"Richard M. Nixon..."

[Piett's pithy retort is to throw yet another tomahawk at him. Nixon catches it, then returns to non-life.]

Piett & Herve: AHHHH!!!!

"Gerald R. Ford..."

Piett: When you can't assassinate Ford...
Herve: 3! 3 people tried it!
Piett: ...you're just a big freakin' fail.

"Jimmy Carter..."

[A child next to Herve cries.]

Herve: You damn fucking right, kid.

"Ronald Reagan..."

Piett: I forget what my complaint was gonna be.
Herve: Cruel.
Piett: What? I really did.

"George Bush..."

Herve: Read my lips. No new taxes.....[whispers with a frozen face] just raising the ones that already exist.
Piett: Ah, that's how he did it.

"Bill Clinton..."

Piett: Holy shit, I think he just winked at me. Even his animatronic can't help it.

"George W. Bush..."

Herve: The crying kid woulda been even more perfect here. Hang on.... [balls up his fist and turns to his side.]

Tom Arnold: And now we come to the present. A present that is rooted in our past. For all who--

[Suddenly a gang of Republican types burst into the room. White businessmen, Neocons, FOX News executives, Klansmen, 1800's-era segregationists, 1960's-era Southern Democrats, Glenn Beck...]

Herve: What the shit is this?!
Piett: Typical. They cut off the black guy! Allons-ze!
Herve: Stop speaking French.
Piett: Let's go!
Herve: Kill!!! WOOOO!!!!!

*fin*