Herve: Wait, Stamford? I thought you said we emerged in Chicago.
Piett: They moved the show to Stamford so they can tape this and a bunch of their other stuff in the same place. Saves money.
Herve: Shit, I wanted to go see the stuff Heath Ledger blew up in The Dark Knight, only to then go off and die in a NYC apartment.
Piett: That's sick, man. Come on. Honestly. Really, now........dude.
[Pause]
Herve: You're really offended by this.
Piett: No. I just couldn't think of anything witty enough to say about Heath Ledger overdosing. We didn't do this story soon enough to that "tragedy."
Herve: A lot about this story is gonna be very late to the game. We are at a Jerry Springer show after all. His schtick was outta style at least a decade ago.
Piett: And yet still he presses and depresses on.
Herve: So I take it the Springer Show doesn't rake in as much as he used to?
Piett: He's not the novelty act he used to be. So much shit on TV these days, he's nowadays just one of many, instead of a standout attraction that offends everyone.
Herve: Now everything on TV offends everyone. [pause] So maybe his ploy is to be unoffensive, so that THIS act stands out...
Piett: Just watch.
[As Springer comes out and the crowd cheers, the show begins. Piett sits back while Herve studies - with increasing distress - the actions going on around him. Some minutes later....]
Herve [aghast yet calm]: This is the same exact show he's always done.
Piett: Yup.
Herve: And it seems faker than ever.
Piett: Yup.
Herve: We could be at MAURY right now, dammit! He's apparently taping right next door or something!
Piett: Too many people in line for it. The unsavory kind.
Herve: Have you paid attention to our cast of characters these past several years? You'd think "unsavory" is something we're used to...
Piett: Oh, trust me, the MAURY audience is so much worse than our merry band of brothers.
[Fight bell rings]
Herve: What the hell was that?
[The people on stage start fighting.]
Herve: Oh my Christ, they have to be TOLD when to start fighting?! How dumb are these assholes?!
Piett: JERSEY SHORE is a respected television institution because of these assholes. They're not just dumb.....they're dangerous.
Herve: Wait, where's Steve - the bald security guy that broke up fights and everyone liked, including the people he muscled around on stage?
Piett: He has his own show now, also taping nearby.
Herve: And we're not there either?! Damn.
Piett: Actually, it's best we're not. It's very scary. He, like, confronts awful people directly and with a lot of talking.
Herve: And violence?
Piett: No. Just talking, with a strong sense of calm yet angered malice.
Herve: Awkward.
Piett: Very. That answer implies much creepiness.
Herve: If you can't just say violence, then yeah I agree. Is the fighting over?
Piett: I think so.
[Pause, as the taping goes to commercial break...........why would a taping have a commercial break? It's taped - they can just do a brief pause and then pretend to come back from commercial break.]
Herve: Is Walsh ranting in place of us now?
Piett: I don't blame him. This is all just so frustrating.
Herve: I'm gonna try something. [closes eyes]
Piett: Are you sleeping through SPRINGER? Wow, that's a damning statement.
Herve: No, I'm gonna try to zen ourselves to the end of this miserable endeavor.
Piett: What do you--
(!@#$%^&*)
Jerry Springer: And we're back, with questions from the audience. [to some random white guy in a business suit who is obviously either an actor playing a white businessman or some Stamford executive slumming at Springer on his lunch break]
Piett: What the shit did you just do?!
Herve: I just zenned our asses ahead a few segments to the end of the show.
Piett: But Walsh does that for us! We can just do this now?!
[No. I'm just bored with this already myself and let him do it.]
Herve: Snap.
Piett: Damn!
[As Piett rues the moment, Herve raises his hand.]
Jerry Springer: You, sir, have a question...?
Herve: Yeah, I have a question Jerry. What the fuck has happened to you?
Jerry Springer: Um, this isn't the kind of question and answer we--
Herve: No, no, you're gonna hear this. I mean.........come on, dude. You were mayor of a city once. And you host other decent and acceptable-to -society shows. You obviously have a good mind behind you, and seem to be a decent human being in real life. But what is this madness? This is dog shit.
[Piett sits back and pulls out a bag of popcorn]
Herve: This may have been entertaining once - though trust me, as I think back I strongly disagree that it was ever even slightly entertaining - but it's just truly awful now. And stale. And telegraphed so that even the braindead could follow it and the basic cadences without even having to try. And look at these people! They're obviously actors, or just so stupid that they don't realize the obvious reality that's glaring back at them the moment they get wind they're gonna be on this show. [to the stage] YOU'RE ON JERRY SPRINGER, PEOPLE! IF YOU DON'T KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG WHEN YOU'RE BOOKED OR ASKED TO BE A GUEST ON THIS SHOW, THEN CLEARLY YOU SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DO NORMAL THINGS IN SOCIETY! [to the audience] And really, is this the only show you people could get into? I'd take Maury and his foolishly-dramatic pregnancy episode drivel over this any day! Even Steve and his creepy
unfunny and unentertaining show is probably miles ahead of this nonsense!
Jerry Springer: Well, you're here now, sir. Can you explain why you're here when you knew what kind of madhouse you'd be entering?
Herve: Because obviously I thought, like some things, old TV shows aged gracefully. But sometimes, Jerry, they rot. Terribly. You have the stink of death on you, sir. Shuffle off this mortal coil accordingly.
[Suddenly, Piett hits Springer with a chair.]
Piett: There's MY final thought, Jerry!!
Herve: Way to kill my fairly intelligent rant with needless violence, man. [pause] Oh, who cares. [to Springer, laid out on the ground] DAMN, SON, and it ain't the folding kind he hit you with either, son!
[The audience and guests and security and stagehands quickly turn on Herve and Piett, but Herve just pulls out a death ray gun and zaps all of them dead. In moments, the quantum duo are all alone, with remnants of slight chaos and the ashen remains of much of the audience silently laying around them. Herve nods in approval.]
Herve: Didn't even need to do the neck-biting thing. More floss for tomorrow.
Piett: You'd have caught something from this crowd, I think.
Herve: This was fun. Much more fun than MAURY. [still holding the death ray gun]: I still have an itchy trigger finger. Should we--?
Piett: Nah. Maybe some other time.
[Herve and Piett whisk themselves away. Meanwhile, over on the set of MAURY, some.......familiar faces await a perilous verdict.]
Maury: Boss............you are NOT the father!
[The Boss jumps up and starts dancing and celebrating, as his sister Lucy Ferr runs off stage crying, with Maury in pseudo-concerned pursuit. In the audience, there is chaos and celebration as The Boss high fives random black people and shady white trash. 2 people sit in the back, politely clapping yet somewhat concerned.]
Cosmos: So it's Piett, right? He's the father.
Chronos: Obviously, yeah. Why wouldn't she even realize that?
Cosmos: This may pan out to mean something in future stories.
[Pause]
Cosmos: Or not.
Chronos: Yeah, I hope not. Kids suck, we don't need 'em in the supporting cast. Assholes.
*fin*
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